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pbates1
New Member
| Joined: | 1 September 2009 |
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| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: 1 September 2009 05:42 pm |
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Hello world,
I'm a 20yr old 6'1" male and I weight 300lbs. I have been overweight my entire life and I have yet to have a serious relationship with someone. I have never even kissed a girl before. I feel my weight has severly inhibited my ability to connect with women. I am currently trying to adjust my diet and workout regimen to lose weight. Are there any tips yall have that could help with my shyness towards women because of my weight?
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 September 2009 04:10 pm |
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i would say to just relax and be yourself. your stats make you sound like a football player or the like. Obviously you are a smart young man, and you surely have redeeming qualities that girls would appreciate, if they are smart. Consider the "men" in tv that are overweight that women just eat up! LOL....like Chris Farley ( god rest his soul). He was hilarious! John Goodman, John Candy and i know others but dont know names....but anyway, humor is a great way to get a girls attention! Being a sweet, genuine guy, one who opens doors, listens when we talk etc, is also a bonus to me (and more I am sure!) I remember a sweet guy i knew in high school, we were both heavy but he was larger than i and he was so fun to be with, talk with etc. We used to laugh and talk all the time and we dated for a few months before going to different schools.
Dont make your weight a reason to be shy, if you are shy by nature then that is fine, but dont hide. We all have our burdens, and yours is your wt for now and you shouldnt let it be. There are many other ailments that you could have that would make you realize that you are fortunate to only have this trouble.
Personally, I think its sweet you're so innocent, its a really rare thing! I would just begin by making friends with girls, show them the inside because that is what counts the most, our bodies change each second, and the only thing that remains consistent is who we are inside so use your inner person to shine! If you dont act like it bothers you, then guarentee the girls wont notice because you will be making them laugh, feel special etc and they will enjoy your company.
I would recommend finding some exercise routine that you enjoy, go slowly and build up, even if its just walking a track or your neighborhood. You can change your body! You have to want it! All of my life I was overweight, and as a female that is hard because many guys like the "thinner" girls and so i had a hard time, i didnt like myself for a long time. I still struggle but i honestly think women have a harder time because of media etc...and its not easy. If you can talk to your doctor or a friend, maybe they can help you to get started with a workout routine, if you have credit you can order a bowflex machine and make a small monthly 25$ payment and that allows you to workout in privacy. Walking is excellent! I wish more men would walk! walk for an hour a day, at a pace hard enough that you have trouble talking but you can talk....is great for you!
Stick around here, check out the site, read the diaries, CrimsonAnimus is a great motivator, NIR is a great counselor to talk too, Peter rocks...there are a lot of regulars that are men, Fireman Joe etc...that can offer you lots of advice for losing the weight the right way! :)
GOOD LUCK!
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meridian
New Member
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Posted: 14 September 2009 09:24 pm |
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Pbates, start with little steps; ease into things. You're not going to be the next Charlie Cox, Shia LeBeouf, pick your star...overnight. In my opinion, shyness is easier overcome in groups as opposed to one on one settings. There's less pressure in group settings. Find a new outlets to meet people and engage in group activities. Once you're comfortable in groups, then work up to double dating and then...wait for it....a one on one date! Remember, little steps. It's like anything else; you've got to learn to crawl before you can run.
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 10 October 2009 11:42 am |
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Hello, I have to comment on your topic because this exact subject has come up now more than once in my life.
Bottom line: The shyness will be near impossible to overcome for the fact that women look at overweight guys differently-that is to say they do not look at all. Such avoidance breeds a lack of confidence that can only be overcome by changing yourself.
I myself, grew up being overweight and never having a girlfriend. Out of despiration, I stuck to a plan of eating hardly anything for 4 months and I lost 55 lbs. which got me to my optimum weight at the time. It was absolute magic! Girls no longer turned away and didn't look at me, but rather stared at me and dared each other to talk to me. As it turns out, without the weight I'm a very good looking guy. Who knew? You wouldn't think 55 lbs would make much of a difference, but it seems that I gain a lot of weight in my face compared to most people, therefor completely altering my look when I am heavy.
My suggestion: Use the hope/reward of having a girlfriend as your motivation for committing to losing the weight. At 6'1, I suspect that you need to be about 170 lbs (losing 130), so you have your work cut out for you-but you can do it!
The want has to be greater than anything else in your life. The fascination with losing weight should consume your every thought; everyday. That is what I thought when I was successful at losing all my weight the first time. It lasted me 14 years and now I am unfortunately going through the same thing again, though I am using a much healthier method of losing the weight (but it is coming off slower this time). It is only when losing the weight becomes your #1 priority that achieving the goal is INEVITABLE, not just pie in the sky. (no pun intended...lol)
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MichelleP
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 03:33 pm |
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tourproven wrote:
Bottom line: The shyness will be near impossible to overcome for the fact that women look at overweight guys differently-that is to say they do not look at all.
I have to disagree with you on this one Tour. Of course there are women who only go after the beefcakes just like there are men who only want bikini models. But I think that women in general being emotional types are more able to look beyond the superficial and see what's inside. I know a lot of women who are with overweight men. Of course the shyness is probably getting in the way of him talking to women, therefore they are not seeing the man inside.
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 04:45 pm |
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MichelleP wrote: I know a lot of women who are with overweight men.
I guarantee that the man was not overweight when they first got together, unless she was overweight also or not attractive either.
The way I am treated/looked at between overweight and thin is ABSOLUTELY NIGHT AND DAY. It is borderline ridiculous. There is no doubt about it.
Everything else aside (like money dependance for example), if you simply want to start a relationship with an attractive girl based on initial attraction (which is 90+% of how it is done); if you are significantly overweight, its just not going to happen.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 07:54 pm |
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Michelle I agree with you totally, that there are a lot of men who are overweight and with thinner, pretty women and vice versa. I also think and see with my eyes alot of women who are overweight with good looking men who arent. Its a two way street. Sure, we wonder who, how, what brought them together etc......but man, its all around us. I know that I have liked a lot of guys, boys, men etc who were all shapes, sizes and colors to boot! I dated a man for a period of time who was grossly overweight, we met thru eharmony, but in the end we really had nothing to talk about. You can run out of things to talk about if you arent goin in the same directions, but I didnt stop seeing him due to his size, and furthermore for me to say i did would make me a hypocrite because i was not a tiny gal then. Nor, am i tiny now. Smaller but not skinny bikini girl. I think that men who arent thin are very attractive, esp if they take care of themselves and are happy. I dont think that tours or the young man who started this thread is very happy inside, and obviously that shines thru when talking to others.
if we are happy with ourselves that shines thru and the whole world thin thick etc will see who we are and will enjoy our company. When we walk around complaining about how fat we are, how hard we try (when we really arent) or how bad we are treated for our shapes...then who wants to talk to us? its no fun to sit and hear someone complain. BUT, if any person approached me, who has a weight problem but sais nothing about it, dressed nice and takes care of themselves as the size they are, then i know i see what they are saying not how they look. Not everyone is destined to be small, our genes make that up for us, and 90% of us have to work our tushes off to remain the size that makes us happy.
shyness is huge, and i think that there is a tendency to say that other things are the problem instead of admitting to the simplicity of shyness. Women like confident men, and I dont know how many of the women i know all sit and talk about how fat their men are....whether they were that way first or after the relationship began. Whereas size (to my mind and the men i have met) doesnt seem to matter to the men as much in themselves, but they do give a #%@&! how their women look. I know men who prefer heavy women, I know men who prefer blonde bombshells, and curvy shapes and shallow personalitites etcetcetc.....
perhaps this gent, this young man is more into finding the bombshells than a nice girl he can talk too? I dont know that granted, but more "average, everyday" women are apt to talk to any kind of man than to not, it just takes being nice and saying hello without any pretense or expectations. He is 20, and honestly what are MOST men at 20 interested in? if we look at the tv, the videos out there...its all about the booty and the hotness of the girls not their brains. Its a sad world we live in and its harder than ever to have a decent relationship without overwhelming physical expectations. #%@&!, I am confident in saying that most 20 yr olds now have more sexual experience than me, and i am 35! (wow, i sound really old now...) but honestly its all about sex sex sex and its sad. what ever happened to just goin for walks, holding hands and goin to the movies on date nite?
PS...I just read the other tours comment and I dont agree that this young impressionable mans only goal for losing weight should be to get a girlfriend! There is more to life than relationships. I also think that is insane and setting him up for failure...if he cant find himself underneath the weight, his personality, his likes and dislikes etc......with the weight, then once he has lost this magical number you give him of 130 pds....(goodness me....such a lofty goal for him his first time out....what if he gives himself a heart attack trying so hard based on what you advised? ) and he still doesnt know what he wants, likes, hates, enjoys etc.....then how will he be any good in a relationship? Or as a friend? Losing weight is hard enough without bringing the goal of "oh once i am thin the women will just fall at my feet and i will have my choice of hotties...and all i have to do is smile, take them to dinner etc and i will be a winner".....he has to have something to say, to be, as a young man. He should lose the weight for his HEALTH, his HEART, his BODY, his future, whether with a girl or without. Im am sorry if i am upset about this, but that is not the reason to lose weight for anyone, or at least I dont feel it should be. At that point it simply becomes about that other person out there that sees you as fat or ugly and not about how you see yourself. Its gotta be about what he sees and hopefully he doesnt see that he is worthless unless he has a woman on his arm, because God didnt make him only for that reason. I can feel the pain he is in, and whats sad about this is that we havent seen him back here, telling and sharing his experiences since his first post. Has he given up? has he lost some weight? found a workout? made a friend who is female?
Last edited on 16 October 2009 08:09 pm by BJD74
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 09:01 pm |
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BJD74 wrote: PS...I just read the other tours comment and I dont agree that this young impressionable mans only goal for losing weight should be to get a girlfriend! There is more to life than relationships. I also think that is insane and setting him up for failure...if he cant find himself underneath the weight, his personality, his likes and dislikes etc......with the weight, then once he has lost this magical number you give him of 130 pds....(goodness me....such a lofty goal for him his first time out....what if he gives himself a heart attack trying so hard based on what you advised? ) and he still doesnt know what he wants, likes, hates, enjoys etc.....then how will he be any good in a relationship? Or as a friend?
You speak from that of which you do not know. Men attracting women is far different than women attracting men. Heck, fat women are even a fetish for some guys.
I am not saying his only goal for losing the weight should be to get a girlfriend, but IT IS BY FAR THE MOST INSPIRING REASON. THE REASON THAT WILL GIVE HIM THE BEST CHANCE OF LOSING THE WEIGHT. THe fact that he is 20, I highly doubt there is any real chance of a heart attack occurring.
And trust me, he knows who he is. He knows his likes and dislikes already. That is never the problem. The problem is how the world percieves you, and specifically for him (by the sounds of things) how girls percieve him. It is not a confidence issue nearly as much as you think.
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 09:02 pm |
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PBATES1-
You started this thread, what do you think about what has been said so far?
Who is closer in their responses to how you feel about the situation?
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 09:25 pm |
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alas this is why men and women rarely agree on things esp in regards to how they should look, what they see in others or how others see them.
as you said, what does the originator of this thread think? that is the mystery here. He hasnt responded to anyones comments. perhaps we all just overwhlemed him or he met someone or he has chosen another direction.
i dont think any of us are wrong, its simply our impressions of what he said and obviously women and men perceive things differently.
bottom line is relationships are tough. its a lot of work, i hope he knows what he wants (losing weight) isnt easy to get and keep without hard work. Being 20 doesnt mean something cant happen to him should he try to lose the weight in an unsafe fashion. Ok, i concede a heart attack is extreme, but hey, you just never know his family history etc, anything is possible, young athletes die even in the best of shape. I just want to emphasize he has to lose the weight for the right reasons, and should he lose it and not find a girl then i hope he isnt crushed and left wanting and thinking he is a loser or whatever even after losing the weight because girls arent paying attention to him now as a thinner man. Only he knows himself and if he knows what he is and wants. Desperation wont get a girl, at least it wouldnt have gotten me at 20.
Calling a truce, this is craziness.
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MichelleP
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 October 2009 10:53 pm |
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tourproven wrote: MichelleP wrote: I know a lot of women who are with overweight men.
I guarantee that the man was not overweight when they first got together, unless she was overweight also or not attractive either.
The way I am treated/looked at between overweight and thin is ABSOLUTELY NIGHT AND DAY. It is borderline ridiculous. There is no doubt about it.
Everything else aside (like money dependance for example), if you simply want to start a relationship with an attractive girl based on initial attraction (which is 90+% of how it is done); if you are significantly overweight, its just not going to happen.
Tour - Off the top of my head I know 3 women who's men were overweight when they got together and only one of the women was overweight. These are all reasonably attractive women too. So it does happen. Maybe not much but it does happen.
I will agree with you that overweight people are treated differently than thin people. I am treated so much better now than when I was really overweight. It is like night and day and yes it is ridiculous!!!!
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MichelleP
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 October 2009 12:21 am |
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BJD74 wrote: He is 20, and honestly what are MOST men at 20 interested in? if we look at the tv, the videos out there...its all about the booty and the hotness of the girls not their brains. Its a sad world we live in and its harder than ever to have a decent relationship without overwhelming physical expectations. #%@&!, I am confident in saying that most 20 yr olds now have more sexual experience than me, and i am 35! (wow, i sound really old now...) but honestly its all about sex sex sex and its sad. what ever happened to just goin for walks, holding hands and goin to the movies on date nite?
Oh BJ you are so right. The world we live in now is completely bombarded with sex, sex and more sex. TV, commercials, radio, video, magazines, it's everywhere. It's freaking insane. It is a sad world we live in where physical attractiveness and sex is depicted as more important than anything else. And I am NO prude when it comes to sex.  It hurts me to my soul knowing that my 11 year old daughter has to grow up in a world like this.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 October 2009 12:49 am |
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ugghhhhh michelle, i know!!! My 4 yr old too! My only kid! I want to protect her as long as i can, but I just have to do my best as a mom to raise her with morals....lol....its the best i can do as her mommy. Same for D, he has to be the best daddy he can be, teach her to respect herself and her body and heck if she will have any boys in her room at 14! LOL.....no no no not in this house! Heck, I was 18 my first time, first boyfriend even!!! And he cheated on me because he couldnt contain his hormones....ridiculous to think of back in the 90s and yet, now its like 6 times worse!!! kids are 12-14.....ugh, its terrible. What happened to good parents?????? They are the ones who keep the kids focused on other things.....
times are just getting harder and harder, i wish sometimes we could go back to like the 50s, with the cute skirts and pigtails and simple dances at the high school where a boy was afraid to hold your hand, let alone go to 2nd base!!! Ahhh the good old days! :) lol........
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