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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member 
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góðan dag Hi all (waves).  I have missed you guys.  First, a quick important business announcement: **We are not going to talk here about what happened to my old journal. PM's are fine if you have any questions .** Thanks. Boy oh boy do I need some kind of calorie confessional. I've been totally chowing the calories for the past week or so. I've been exercising too, but not to the extend that I am effectively burning off 1500+ extra calories per day. Mostly it is coming from late night binging, combined with an unsual craving for sugar - chocolate, and assorted scones and Starbucks goodies. My hormones were definitely messing with me last week, and I've been doing a lot of comfort eating. Need to get back on track. Today: standard brekkie; tuna w/tomato for lunch, and leftover chicken kabob wrap for dinner. And a nice long run if my leg will let me. I am sitting here on a Tuesday morning with my large mug of Starbucks, on my couch, working from home. I am staying local because C-Dog is ill and went into the doggie hospital yesterday. I will be able to get an update and visit him around lunch time. Consequently, I spent last night alone, all alone in this house, and thinking about being alone in life, and all that has been lost in recent months was pretty tough. Who has, and who hasn't, expressed concern and support over C-Dog is very telling. About them, and about me, and who really is important in my life. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member 
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Hi Mol! *BIG GLAD TO 'SEE' YOU WAVE* So, how is C-dog? It's nothing really serious, is it? I think it's so scary when your pet is sick...........they can't tell you that anything is wrong, or tell the vet what hurts, etc. In our household, those 3 cats are just about like having our kids around. We love them, and they are very much a part of the family! I hope all goes well for C-dog! Our youngest, Sprite (whose mug-shot graces my diary entries), has been sneezing a lot. I think it's just allergies..........as she seems to do it mostly in spring and fall, and a bit again when we start up our wood furnace........but at times I wonder if it's anything more serious, like an upper respiratory infection. We need to get her in to be spayed (I cringe at the thought of the cost, with the hubs still not working) but I worry if her sneezing/upper respiratory stuff will make the surgery/anesthesia unsafe for her to have? Just like worrying about our kids! Let us know how it's going. Any idea how long he has to be there? BTW............hormones are messing with me as we "speak" Blasted hormones! Last edited on 13 May 2009 05:19 pm by Hisgal |
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CrimsonAnimus Moderator 
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Glad to see you back, Mol. I hope C-Dog gets better! My dog has been under the weather, too. We're thinking it's allergies, and I hope that's all it is. We won't know until we have the money to take her to the vet. Stay focused! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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Yay! Glad you're back! Talk about hormones! Wow zee wow! I'm thinking about peanut butter in every flavor of ice cream you can imagine! Had some in cherry vanilla just now. I'm due to start on friday it can't come too soon in my book. I have managed to keep my erasor handy though for those slip ups. Burned 300 on lower body squat,lunges, dead lifts and 15 minutes rebounding. I found a new exercise I thought I would try , but who am I kidding!; 2minutes of jumping jacks, 25 lunges(each leg), 50 squats, 15 burpees, 15 squat thrusts. Rest for 2 min and repeat twice! Ya know how many times I made it rhrewvthe whole exercise? Not even once! Who can do that? I guess I'll keep working at it. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Eraserhead 50lbs2lose wrote: I have managed to keep my erasor handy though for those slip ups. Great Cyndy! Exercise erases mistakes!!! Nicely done.  I am going to need a bigger eraser for myself, I fear.Today: 1153IN/Net so far. Would like to get in my toning later after I get back from visiting C-Dog. [L will be coming to see him also.] My weight is presently at 126, which is up a pound from last week. My goal for the current Challenge (ending July 4) is 121. Here's my most recent ticker from the start of the Challenge, I am too lazy to update it to 126 right now:  Motivation Takes the Form of Fabric I received a new dress in the mail today, this one from Italy although it is a brand I regularly buy in the states. OMG when I hold in my gut it makes me look super thin and have such a nice shape. When I don't, well, the fabric is going to pull and stretch and bulge in the tummy and ruin the dress. So - more motivation to "DO THOSE ABS". With toning, I suspect that somewhere down around 121 I am going to be really really happy with this dress. Verrrry inspirational on a day where once again I am tempted to have sugar and cheat. I don't know how I managed to already be @ 1153, that's pretty much it for the day. Later, if I want something, I will pick from: a yogurt; carrot sticks, 1/2 a banana, a tomato, or a V8 juice.No eating after 8PM tonight. I seriously am thinking about running string through all the cabinet handles and the fridge handle and tying nots so nothing will open up after 8PM. Chronic weaknesses call for drastic measures. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Give Me a Break Sounds like everyone's pet is a bit under the weather. Hmmmm Pat and Nick I hope they are doing OK. Grass allergies can be rough on them this time of year for sure. C-Dog is stable and is receiving the very best round the clock care that is available, being seen by some excellent vets. Hopefully tomorrow we will see some positive improvements. I decided to not run today and give my leg a break (um perhaps that is a bad word choice, hmmmm?) Ironically, the problem is not the calf muscle strain on my right leg, which blissfully appears to have finally released me from its relentless grip; rather, now I have a shin and ankle strain on my left leg incurred from dancing Saturday night. It has cut short my workouts Sunday-Monday-Tuesday, and I really had been hoping for a 10-mile Super Sunday too. I need to consider the fact that I've had 3 injuries now from dancing and perhaps I have to tone it down a smidge because it is interfering with my running and training. A friend of mine once remarked "You hardly spend any time actually on the ground" when dancing. Perhaps it is my new boots...or my advancing age...because this never used to be a problem. I finished my 30 minute toning routine (uppers/lowers/abs) and it is always spectacular the improvement it makes. I am getting much better at the waistline-targeting components of the abs workout and I think my waistline looks and feels as shapely now as it ever has.  We are under a tornado watch. I was planning to get a 1-mile walk in before the t-storm hit but the thunder was rumbling, the lightning was flashing, the trees were bending in the gusts...so I turned it into a .75mile jog with the last .25 being a run because big fat raindrops started coming down. Nothing like the threat of sheeting rain to motivate your hide down the sidewalk a wee bit faster. So the good news for the first day of my new diary is: calorie goal met - check! fitness goal met - check! no eating after 8PM - check! (so far, but feeling on track) |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member 
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Hey Mol...Missed you!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Why, thank you Doug! Just hopped on quickly to note: Yesterday's totals (with exercise) 1153IN/931Net. I managed to *not snack!!* and as a result, also experienced a more refreshing nights' sleep which is affording me better concentration and less anxiety today. On track with a regular brekkie this morning, although my brain temporarily went "SCONE!" as I walked into the cafeteria at work. Well a few more days off the sugar and it will become much easier. I was noticing my favorite suit really doesn't look as good as it should. The fact is, between weight loss and toning it kindof fits like a sack. I either need to go shopping or see if it can be tailored. In the basement I have a closet full of quality suits that don't fit ranging from 10-18. I said I would give it a year after losing the big weight to ensure that I didn't put them back on, and then would donate the clothes. Looks like I am just about to that milestone. Will put that on my to-do list, I have too many to-do's and not enough time, and am trying to identify some days to take off so I can get caught up around the house. I'll be able to get the overnight update on C-Dog in 1.5 hours. Am hoping he is improving. |
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mj36 Senior Member 
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Poor C-Dog, I will send him lots of prayers and positive vibes! I didn't even know you were on hiatus til I read that everyone has been missing you. I had computer issues and a hectic week overall and missed all the action! Probably for the best, I would have felt lost if you were away!! I think I fell into that same calorie pit as you last week, ate things I never usually crave and with total abandon. Here's to starting this week off better and reaching goals! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Nobody's Perfect I wish I was perfect, but then I wouldn't be me. Stuck to plan for brekkie and lunch.  Got into the chocolate at work again to the tune of 350 calories. Went for a run after work, goal of 5-miles in the gorgeous weather. Left leg a real problem, only got in 1.25 total miles, had to stop. Total calorie management: 1335IN/1242 Net. I'm still hungry. I also have plans to hang @ #3 with delicious-to-look-at-26-year-old-Chris and I really want a Guinness. I wish I could go run to stick some calories back in the bank. I suppose toning is the next best option and would make my gut look better but I just feel like being lazy. Eh. I am gonna have a snack and a beer anyway.I've been a bit on the Rocketshippy side today which explains why I have plans to go out on a 'school night'. Really it is all Michael's fault. I also broke my "no texting" rule today 3 times. I am finding it difficult to write my journal and not include some bits worth remembering. After all, we quickly forget what we ate last week - but I am pretty certain that I will never, ever, forget the text exchange I had with Michael today. Heh. C-Dog appears to be improving, more so clinically/observationally than the tests are showing. Vet says if he gets no worse they will send him home tomorrow evening to continue to recover here. Tomorrow is Friday. That deserves a few |
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Beth Distinguished Member 
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MM, I am so glad you are back. I missed you. I hope C-dog has a good day and can come home. I hope both of you have a good weekend! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Been Bad, Now Be Good. No update on C-Dog, waiting (with increasing agitation) for vet to return my phone call. Well, it is no surprise that I lost control of my goals and boundaries while on the Rocketship. I had a good time however, and let off some steam, which was needed. Damage report: snack before I went out, 5 Guinness, and a huge, huge, "snack" when I got home. Probably 2200 calories in all that and $65 poorer. But fun. I stayed out later than planned, I was toying all week with taking the day off today and getting to bed @ 2:30 I decided to work from home in the morning and take the afternoon off. So here I am, comfortably on my couch. Clutching my giant mug of Starbucks. Catching up with a few friends and trying to plan my weekend. I need to get organized and I need to get my head back into writing the Book of Mol. I need to run, but it is super humid and raining and its hard to get motivated to go out in that with my lungs feeling gummy. Plus my leg could still use some rest. So let me set some "realistic" goals for the rest of the day: Book of Mol - as long as it takes - including, if needed, staying in tonight Toning: done Shower (LOL) done 600 Calories IN (on track) To-do list; prioritize and schedule 3 major activities (Iceland/vacation should be 1) Not drinking tonight if I do go out ---OK, that list should be easy---and enjoyable---A Good Day. C-Dog Update: He's improving and should be discharged tomorrow to finish recovering at home. Good boy! Mol Update: Yesterday's fantastic totals were 3515IN/3422Net. "Good gosh Woman! What did you do??!!" Today after my whopping sweet potato for dinner I will be @279. Going to do my toning now and after seeing those numbers, perhaps I will go for at least a walk in the rain.  Did my toning (love it! love it! sexy waist huuuah!) and since the rain stopped I went ahead and went for a run/walk. 3.1M 2.25J/.85W because my left leg couldn't finish. 34:30ish. Nice, head-clearning, energizing workout. Also ran into my neighbor K who I've not seen in a long time, she was gushingly amazed at all the weight I lost, the running, the healthy eating, the divorce. It's still so nice to find that I have the ability to inspire people. I'll probably take tomorrow off from running - a nice bike ride is an idea - and then aim for a Super Sunday of around 6-7 miles. That would be so sweet. I just looked up the forecast - "Abundant sunshine" and a high of 62. Isn't that lovely sounding? That meteorologist gets a nod of appreciation for his description. Leg, don't fail me, I can really use a nice looooooong work out! Gotta get back on track with the To-Do's. I haven't cracked open the Book of Mol yet!  Shower first...no, a lovely bath, soak and start getting into the mindset...Last edited on 16 May 2009 02:55 am by mollymoo24 |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Mol, so glad to hear that C-Dog is getting better. As for the snacks and the Guiness- been there myself lately when dealing with life's troubles. Stress has us all reverting to our comfort zone- even if that zone is not the best place for us to be! Sorry to hear your leg is troubling you too. I have found the joys of walking lately, to avoid some of that wear and tear on the joints. I don't want to jump back into full-on running and get an injury that totally derails me!! Been there, done that! |
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jackbenimble New Member
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MollyMoo, *Great* to have you back. I *like* the sexy waist. It's an underrated aspect of the female anatomy. It all starts with the waist. Glad to hear C-Dogs on the mend! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Saturday morning. Large mug of Starbucks. Couch. Dappled Sunlight. Rested. So, I was writing in the Book of Mol last night, trying to figure out my life's occupations and rather instead discovered that I have a Fear of Rejection which subconsciously colors much of how I interact with people. Among other things, I think it is the reason why I put so much effort into salvaging relationships with the least worthy of people, those who are not my true friends, trying to stay in the club circle and all that. The truth is, there are people who are "universally liked" and they are very rare and even they have people who don't like them. It gave me something to work on, and helped me refocus on the important people in my life, who love and accept me for who I am. I ended up writing and exploring for an hour on the couch and my eyes started shutting. Get this: I fell asleep on the couch around 10PM. Seriously. And I woke up this morning just after 8AM. 10 hours of sleep. 10 hours? 10 HOURS? STRAIGHT? Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I got that much sleep without being sick. And since I know that sleep is essential for good balance...I am quite happy about it. I missed an event night @#2 but so what? They'll do it again in a month, and there will be plenty of other opportunities. Yesterday's totals (hmmmm maybe this contributed to why I slept so much): 381IN/125NET. Niiiiicccce. Just had a salad for lunch, then a sweet potato (w/light syrup drizzles) and another salad for dinner. If I average the last 2 days' NET together it comes out to 1773, still on the high side but a lot more reasonable. Today's Goals: 1300IN; Pasta for dinner in advance of Super Sunday: 1955IN I ate the whole thing of ravioli between lunch and dinner.  GA Meetup 11AM: done C-Dog come home (hopefully)!: done More Book of Mol: planned Iceland: er-looking less likely ETA: Toning. Try doing abs routine twice. - sigh. Have a great day everyone! Last edited on 17 May 2009 02:22 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Ha. I was just putting my calories in the counter and looking at the "frequency" of common foods view. I am pleased to say White Castle cheeseburgers have made it down next to last.  Ooops - sorry Doug - I know what happens to you every time I mention White Castle. Maintain control my friend. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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There's Nothing Like Retail Therapy Er. A bit spacey today. I got all that sleep but felt dizzy and a little out of it all day anyway. Was a bit unfocused and not very conversational at the GA meetup but it was good that I made an effort to see some newer friends I haven't seen in a while. Then I picked up C-Dog and brought him home, he's not coughing much but also he is not showing any interest in doing anything, not even a walk, which I will chalk up to being tired. I have no less than 5 medications to administer which come in: powder/mix in with moist food; chewable tablets/eat with food; and 4 other pills which have to be given, two of which have to be cut/broken to size. Some are 1x per day, some are 2x per day. Steam in the closed bathroom 15 minutes - 3 times per day. I'm smart, but fuzzy today, and I'm having a pain figuring out a schedule.  C-Dog was one really really sick doggie and needed round the clock care. However, I am really overwhelmed by the magnitude of the bills. Our first vet only charged me $230 for XRays and an office visit, then from Monday afternoon to Saturday Noon, 5 days, it was $4871 in the hospital. (The original estimate was $2-4K with a mid of $3K, they did inform me yesterday it was running over). And we have a follow up visit with more XRays Thursday. So over $5K altogether. There are so many other things which could be done with that kind of money, it seems so wasteful, and so many people are struggling right now financially...but when you are standing there in the middle of the vet office with your dog in an acute crisis, acutely ill yet still standing and walking and probably curable, it would be difficult to think of doing nothing, or putting him down. So what does this have to do with retail therapy? I've realized since I started dating again that my house does not exactly encourage guys to be attracted to me. What I mean is, I have entirely too much dog oriented artwork and knick knacks in the two most commonly used rooms in the house, the kitchen and the den. So I decided that the den, which is the room in which I hang and would spend time watching movies/tv or just hanging with a date, has to get a new feel. So, this is where retail therapy comes in. What better cure for that sickening feeling from spending $5 grand in 5 days on your dog, then to just add a few hundred on top of that - small by comparison - and buy a few nice things for yourself? Yesterday, I found some great new rugs at Costco for the den, today at Bed Bath I bought some new pillows for the couch and they pull the colors together nicely. I moved the dog artwork into the kitchen, where the colors actually match much better. [I also, finally, hung my New Order concert poster and my pensive Crow piece in the front room. They've been propped up on things because I was afraid of screwing up and making holes in the plaster because that's an expensive proposition to fix. I mentioned this to Chris Thursday night and he encouraged me to just do it. He was right of course.] I also got a new porch mat to spruce up the front doorway, replacing one that was about 15 years old. Looks so much crisper.Anyway I think the stress with C-Dog and feeling 'off' and generally overwhelmed is why I ended up going on a mini-Rocketship ride. Spending money. Eating an entire package of ravioli (at 2 sittings). Craving a beer. I am not going out tonight. I am not feeling right, I still feel tired, and I want to rest up and have a good day tomorrow. And I need to order groceries from Peapod. And I am in the mood to watch The Shining. Lights, Camera, Action. Tomorrow, I will run. A 10-mile Super Sunday will burn off a lot of calories. Exercise erases mistakes. |
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suenos Moderator 
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Ahhh, brave girl watching the Shining alone at night....redrum...redrum...redrum I can't do it...heck I can barely watch scary stuff in a theatre full of people! Sorry that your doggie has been so sick - five grand! - I'm pretty sure I would have started bawling - loudly - like a baby (umm, actually I did that with a 1k car repair bill once and the poor mechanic knocked a couple hundred off ) but, yea, what are you going to do? It's one of those things you have to just do. I'm glad for you that you're in the financial position to do what has to be done for him. What exactly did the vet say was wrong?Ohh, and I love me some house "make-overs"....I'd rather spend money on my house than pretty much anything else! |
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zenobia Moderator
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oh mol! sounds like it's been quite the ride. i'm happy c-dog is home and probably much happier than he was at the vet.c-dog has been a good friend to you- i don't blame you fot wanting to take care of the pup! poor guy. i hope he's at 100% soon! give him lots of love ;) totally agree with suenos. be thakful that you can pay for his vet bills i'm happy you brought a diary here. i think it's a very good and healthy thing. hope your super sunday is great. and yes, exercize is pretty much the magic eraser! keep us posted on the pup, and you, of course |
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Terabyte New Member
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Hi Molly: Just got caught up on everything. I am glad the doggie is feeling better, but man that is a lot of pills to manage, sheesh! Vet bills suck! Good luck with your Super Sunday. I have been spending a bunch of time reading outside and playing with my neighbors. I really like being outside. Glad you started a new diary. I've thought of doing that myself, but I just keep tacking onto the old one, at least for now! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hey guys! Well its been a busy day. I stayed up later than intended last night but got a few things done, watched The Shining (Redrum! Redrum!) and it was as chilling as ever. I know it was about 3:30 when I fell asleep because I was just getting ready to doze when I got a message from Chris @ 3:20. I didn't wake up until after 9 and then it took me a while to get into gear but I got my Peapod order all scheduled. I made it to the woods around Noon and YESSSSS it was a Super Sunday!! 10.3 miles, probably 7-7.5 total jogging I've yet to calculate it all, and about 2:15 or so. Will come back with the official numbers later. That was sooooo awesome. And I wanted to be somewhere @ 2:30 and tried to use that to get my butt back to the car faster but I did my best. So I was late, to see a grade-school muscial production a friend from h.s. was directing. It was really neat, and something extremely satisfying to see this old friend in the role now, teaching kids, I mean, man, that used to be US. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years and we'll have to get together another time to catch up, but so glad I went. I haven't eaten yet today so 0IN. Since I went bananas on snacking after I posted last night I could essentially not eat all day and still have plenty of calories left over, I am afraid. Still I will likely have a small snack (yogurt) after my shower. Date night tonight with Michael, picking him up at 8, not sure what we are doing, possibly enjoying the firepit. Have a great night everyone. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member 
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Sorry C-dog was sick Mol, I hope he feels better soon! I'm glad you put some time into your place, but remember your not just doing this for dates, nobody spends more time at your house then you, and you deserve a palace! I hope your 10 miles goes well, it sounds exhausting in this heat! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sudden I was in the midst of trying on outfits, halfway thru makeup, when Michael called to cancel. Unfortunately there was a sudden death in the family, a relatively young uncle whom he liked and respected, and there are a lot of things about the circumstances which are hitting him pretty hard. I left right away to pick him up from work and dropped him home. There's nothing I can really do for him and he needs some alone time to just process. Irony Out of this evening, however, comes a short story of ironic comedy. See, tonight I finally "got my brave on" and dressed in the bustier/stockings/etc. which I bought in November at Victoria's Secret when I had a head full of D. [By the way, I discovered that women don't buy that kind of stuff for men, they buy it for themselves. ] Ooooh la la - it looked good and I knew Michael would like it, and I had to find just the right outfit under which to 'hide' it. All set, just putting on makeup and enjoying the anticipation of my little surprise when the phone rang. And I have to admit, even under the circumstances, while I was driving over, while I was waiting for him, while I was driving him home, I felt soooo sexy underneath it all and just couldn't believe the irony - I finally got brave enough to wear that, the occasion was right...and my date got cancelled.Totals Hey, it was a personal best time for a Super Sunday after I tallied things up. 2:09 and 10.3M 7.6J/2.7W best as I can tell. No wonder my legs ache! I am gonna go get some Ibuprofen. And another glass of water. 612IN/-251Net. Heh. Combining yesterdays 3070Net+today's-251Net=2819/2=1410 average over the past 2 days. Exercise, indeed, erases mistakes. And I even had a decent dinner tonight including...Hint of Lime Tostitos. Yum! Scale: Has a certainly dehydrated, empty belly, nekkid scale reading of 123.5. Hoping tomorrow's Challenge weigh-in will be at 125, back where I started. Well I am definitely tired and I am sure all that exercise and fresh air had a lot to do with it. I just took a phone call from a friend who broke her foot today who was supposed to fly halfway across the country for a job interview in 36 hours, and she cannot do the job until it would be fully healed. Bummer. Don't you wish you could just make things better for those you care about? |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I'm so glad your doggie is better. I have three and they are like my children. Poor C-Dog. He's probably so tired and so worn out from the noise at the vet. I'll bet he is happy to be home! $5K is a lot. I would have done it even if I had to take out a loan. I am envious of you for doing so well in losing your weight. I'm struggling right now. I really do look to your diary for inspiration. Thanks for coming back. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Missing Component I am going in to the office late today, so I can be here when Peapod arrives. I've spend a little time catching up on journals, and then decided that no MM Diary is complete without music! How is it that I haven't yet posted any links?? So, a few standard faves to get started. Now, THAT feels better. Goldfrapp - Oooh La La http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wEzPgXOaHg Portishead - Sour Times http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIcxMuORco Cocteau Twins - Carolyn's Fingers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jax4uBQ2mbc Underworld - Cowgirl (Live) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK7QrVQa7vE Dang, now I am up and dancing!! Starbucks and Underworld...What a great start to the work weekl |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Wow, busy busy busy day today but all good. Made a lot of progress, finally, on scheduling some to-do's which have been like planes circling overhead trying to land, and I've been the ATC without enough runways to land them on. Stressed about them. Walker was very glad to see C-Dog again, he was the one who discovered him last Monday coughing up blood and took him to the vet. Eck. I am going to go get him a gift card tonight, his boss says he likes Starbucks. I agree with his taste. I've cooked an obscene amount of food for dinner. Being single, I find its easier to just grill up a "mess" of chicken all at once, then keep some in the fridge for the week and freeze the rest - good for salads, sandwiches in addition to 'just chicken'. I also cooked up some pierogi which is dangerous because there are 12 in a package and my calorie count tonight will only let me eat 2 of them. I've got to remember next time to freeze them and only take out a few at a time to cook them. Cause lordy if I eat all 12, I am going to need more than a Super Sunday to erase THAT. Anyway, the pre-dinner test weight was looking good, but I alwasy weigh after to make sure I am not dehydrated. So....will do that a bit later. On the way home from work I stopped at the mall to shop for new suits. I grabbed about 6 suits and 3 dresses. Tried on the dresses first, liked 1 of the 3, go that for going out. Then I tried on the suits and something unexpected happened. Everything I grabbed was a 6P. None of them fit. Not one. I went out and got a 4P and it fit like a glove. OMG. I'M A SIZE 4 NOW WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO. I guess exercising does more than erase mistakes, it slims and trims too!!! And so, I am being really good in spite of all this food, I put EVERYTHING in the calculator before I put it in my mouth and am at 1337IN. I am supposed to do toning tonight but jeepers I am really running short on time. OK yeah so get off the dang journal Mol!!! |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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WooHoo!!! Congrats on the size 4's!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thanks Once! You aren't doing to shabby there yourself, girlfriend! Almost forgot to do my Challenge weigh-in! It is: 125.5. Michael sounds a lot better tonight, got himself out of the house and spent much of the day walking around by the lake, by a university, apparently soaking in some old memories. I am going to take him to the wake Sunday, which is out in the boondocks, probably will drop him off, visit an old friend, then go meet him at the bbq following the wake. Irish. Generally, they know how to do a wake pretty well. I told him I was interested in going. I am also very interested to see how Michael handles himself in this situation, he's essentially lived his entire adult life estranged from most of his family. We're also on for Saturday night, which among other things, is slated to include a joint public appearance @ #2. That has the potential to be even more interesting than the Irish wake. "Just full of fun, this weekend will be." (said with Yoda voice). OK Mol, Bed! No snacking, and remember, good sleep is important for good balance. |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Size 4? That sounds pretty good. And all that jogging? Great stuff. Btw, for someone who purports to by shy, you're pretty sociable, MM. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Congrats on the size 4 Mol! I can't even imagine what that must feel like to take a size 4 off the rack, and know it will fit! You are right about the exercise though..........my scale hasn't been moving much, but I can see it in the mirror and in the fit of my clothes. I was going to get the measuring tape out this morning, but ran out of time. I want to leave work an hour early today, to go watch my grandson's soccer game, so I came in an hour early. Maybe tomorrow morning? If I didn't write my measurements down before I got back on track this winter, I always have my measurements at CURVES. Hey Mol............I think I'm sending some 80's your way! Enjoy them! |
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Scoobees Distinguished Member 
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Congrats on the size 4s!!!!!!!!!!  I reached that size once...for a whole 10 seconds maybe!  Continued success to you - you should be proud! |
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CrimsonAnimus Moderator
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Wow, a Size 4! That's magnificent, Mol! Way to go! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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More Motion Motorway Magic Thanks everyone! One of my "inspirees" at work is the CEO's secretary, she is looking pretty good herself these days but she actually got so excited when she saw me in my new suit today. It really does look nice. Got a haircut, then 2 more suits when at the mall. I am excited that my nice black-with-white pinstripes suit is still being made, and I was able to get it in a 4. I had it in a 10 before and had to banish it to the closet some time ago. Need to color hair tonight or tomorrow, think I will end up leaving it til tomorrow. So far 1237IN/881Net. That nice net is due to a 3.1M 2.75J/0.35W"ish" in 33:38 in the woods, PLUS my toning routine after I got home. I am still planning to have some chicken and a Guinness I think which will put me close to 1200Net. C-Dog has figured out that I am hiding the pills in the luncheon meat and I've had to resort to peanut butter sandwiches. He actually threw up earlier today, we think the many meds are making his tum tum sick. Poor dog. I have some work to do tonight, I committed to Steve, the compromise is I plan to start a fire in the yard and go work outside. So I have to run... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Eating Rocketship Holy cow. Anatomy of a binge. Why didn't I stop after I had a salad for dinner and didn't feel hungry? I went ahead and had 4 oz grilled chicken breast, and then instead of Guinness, some hint of lime tostitos which shouldn't even be in the house. Thing is, only 6 of those (large) chips constitutes a 'serving" of 150 calories, and 1 serving wasn't enough to satisfy my taste, so I had 2 and it took me over my calorie allotment. Then here's where it really went south, I went back in the house to put the chips away and went into the fridge and had some more chicken and a pierogi, i.e. better "quality" food to chase those empty tostitos calories. After that I stopped counting or caring. A short while later I dived into more chicken and another pierogi. Then rice cakes with peanut butter. Then I nearly polished off the entire bag of tostitos chips. 1000 calories in chips and the rest of the stuff was probably 800. All because I was trying not to have a Guinness. I should have had the freaking Guinness. Wow, completely out of control. Yeah, well I am sure not hungry NOW. Betcha I am till up at 2AM also in spite of all my good exercise earlier. Well - there went ALL my cals IN for tomorrow, blown largely on crud. Emotionally, I was having a bit of lonliness factor going on and realized I forgot to take my Wellbutrin today. So I am sure this played a factor also. Also broke my 'no texting' rule again twice. Darn me. I am also resentful of having to work tonight, the motivation is not intrinsically there, I am motivated by no wanting to disappoint Steve, versus any intrinsic desire to do this project. I guess I've had the snot beat out of me for so long, that I don't know what difference this effort is really going to make in the end. Aw #%@&!, see, now I am starting to feel sorry for myself and getting emotional. Darn me. And work is really stressing me out again. I am dealing with no less than 3 personnel issues at once and cannot get the h/r representative to move along so we can make an offer to a candidate. I have to eliminate someone's job and am meeting roadblocks with trying to get this person another gig within the company. I have some major freaking important meetings going on next week and talking to Steve about it today only focused my instensity on them even more. Darn me. I just suck tonight. I fell into the pit. This cannot possibly be the same woman who 24 hours prior, achieved a size 4 and just hours ago, did all that fitness exercise....can it? So the recovery plan is as follows: Wednesday: 500 Cals (626, not terrible) Breakfast - Egg (80) done *on track* Lunch - Good and green from salad bar, bit of tuna salad (200) done *on track* (171) Dinner - Yogurt, salad, 2 slices of deli ham (220) (had a bit more than planned, darn tostitos, but I kept it from becoming a late night binge so gold star). Also: I must do laundry (done, just needs put away), color my hair (done), and do my toning (done). A 1-2 mile walk wouldn't hurt either, if I can find the time. Stay calm. Devote the entire working day toward progressing 3 topics: global role, process engineering, and HR issues. Now, I know I am setting myself up to fail because 1 of my direct reports already begged for 30 minutes on other issues and I had no choice but to say yes. Outside of that - be RUTHLESS MOL. Your TIME is worth GOLD! *only so-so on this objective* Folllow the 'no initiating texting' rule. Better yet - no communication with any of the following tomorrow: Michael, Chris, Pitch, and L. Chris, Pitch, and L are no problem. Michael - well - it will do me good to put him aside for a day. *on track* L just called me on a couple of matters of business, but I kept it short. Michael texted me also on a matter of business and I shoved that thing right back in the bag. Last edited on 21 May 2009 05:54 am by mollymoo24 |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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Hang in there, Mol. I must confess I had a Dairy Queen sundae yesterday. Are you a size 4? WOW!!!!!!!!! |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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I had a bad night too Mol, hang in there!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well, I wasn't going to write a separate journal entry tonight, primarily because I kept track of my recovery plan up above, and frankly, unusually, I don't have anything burning in my mind to say or make note of. The fates have conspired to keep me long up past bedtime however. It is a strange night. My friend who had the job interview phoned here @ 11, I chatted way past my bedtime online, and now after I went to bed and couldn't sleep @ 1:15 Michael just called and 'oh, were you sleeping?' WTF he knows I work in the AM. I guess the no texting thing really works though, since I let it sit all day. I heart Terabyte.  Totals 626IN/526Net because I did my toning! And I still think I am low on water but that 123.5 on the scale tonight looked good, that is equivalent to my previous low I believe. Just for entertainment I am going to do it again now just to see. Ah. 124.5. Still that is a good place to be. I was hovering up around 130 after all my birthday-related activities. Got 2 compliments today on my favorite suit that I just got in a size 4. I got to talking with the one gal about my weight loss and she said "You are a 4? You look like a 2 or a zero". So, |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol wrote:
That would be all that running/walking and toning showing up! Nice control yesterday, Mol! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hisgal wrote: Nice control yesterday, Mol! Thanks Pat! Since I have a track record of failing miserably during times when I stay up too late, I am pleased with myself. I opened then shut the door on the refrigerator once and I did not allow myself to go rummaging. I also didn't open a bottle of red wine which I had a strong taste for. I ate a handful of grape tomatoes around midnight and the 'crunchy' sortof helped. : ) Breakfast was 350 today, stopped @ Starbucks next to C-Dogs' vet (he has a checkup/x-rays today) and I had one of those reduced fat turkey bacon sandwiches (whole wheat muffin, no-cholesterol egg, lo-fat cheese). I like it because its just like treating yourself to an Egg McMuffin, without the guilt or calories. I am meeting a friend for lunch @ this Mexican place. My goal is to limit to 600 calories, which will put me @ 950 for the day. If I get in a run later that will still allow enough room for a decent dinner. I am not exactly at maximum productivity today. Hoping to kick it into high gear after I go get another cup of coffee. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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If Only Oops. Too much chips & salsa, and ate the entire fajita salad. At least I left the cheese on the plate but I did demolish the sour cream & guac. 1000-1100 calories. Got busy gabbing and not paying attention while I was munching. Guess I am done for the day. It was good though. This friend J is exploring new chapters in her own life, although they are surrounding her kids being nearly adult, having more time flexibility to pursue new interests. Seeing times ahead in the not so distant future when she will step down from the school board and the volunteering and all that. So while our lives are very different in some respects, we are experiencing some of the same emotions; being happy to be at a point in our lives where we are young enough to have plenty of good time left, and old enough to have accumulated a lot of life's wisdom. It really is a satisfactory place to be in life and we both realize it. I also filled her in on my latest guy news as a always do and the shopping trip I have planned for tomorrow afternoon. Having a good girlfriend is like having a gold mine, seriously, and I am grateful. These moments when I am at peace with the world are so rare, so precious, if only I could maintain this...if only.... |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Hey Mol, Sound like the rocket ship is under control. I like the 124.5, seems like a good place to be. Good idea editing your own entry to see how you did...I'll have to try that. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Eh, You Don't Want to Read This. Seriously Well, this post drips with irony when you first read Jack's post above. Jack, good man, thanks for the support. Actually I am struggling mightily tonight to maintain control. The emotional rocketship is back in full force. 2078IN. It could be substantially worse and I am going to do the best that I can to avoid a catastrophic blowout. I believe the lack of sleep set me up, and I was unfocused, albeit calm, most of the day. A little reflective about a post Michael made on networking site perhaps, but the real turning point came during my session with Dr. B, where, palms screwed into my eyeballs with concentration for 45 minutes, some deeply embedded truths rose up to the surface, unplanned, unrestrained, screaming to be understood, to be turned out to the light, examined, made sense of, and integrated, somehow, into the Mol that is to be. At the same time, a cautionary warning about Michael. And, as MJ also said, define what I need, what I am willing to give, and have a walk away point. This is in the emotional realm as well as the physical one, and I know it is Pure Truth. Know Mol first, then put Mol first. And - well - there's a lot I haven't figured out yet about Mol, and it leaves me vulnerable. So, by the time I left her office my mind and emotions were working overtime, trying to solve the great riddles of my life, and then I got stuck in the holiday weekend traffic heading toward the city. Then, I picked up C-Dog from his checkup and got unexpectedly whacked for another $760. I nearly burst into tears right there. This is for a checkup which included X-Rays and 2 more weeks of antibiotics. They say likely he will need an additional round along with the X-Rays again when we go in for his next checkup. I don't know if I had known in the beginning that I would be clocking in over $6500 what I would have done. It's all been incremental, and now here I am, with this ridiculous sum looming, thinking of all the other things I want and need to do with that money, or people I could have helped, it just makes me sick. So, then more traffic ensued and I intentionally took a congested route on surface streets so I could get to the little mom and pop pharmacy that carries the empty gelcaps I use to put the doggie pill portions in (ever try to measure and cut 3/4 of an oval pill my friends?) and after much exasperation, arrived there, only to be told they don't carry them any more. Frick. Altogether I was in traffic for about 2 hours and came home in such a state. And I wanted a glass of wine so badly just to calm down, and I wasn't supposed to and I fought for a bit then gave in. I was so freaking agitated. Then when I went and got the wine, I also got some food and had a pretty decent dinner, even though I wasn't supposed to have any dinner or just a salad perhaps. I think now, at long last, 4.5 hours after it first started and 2 hours after I got home, the grip of the agitation is starting to abate. The good news is, I fought like heck and didn't do anything crazy like drink 1/2 bottle of wine, or REALLY pig out, or decide to go out to #3 (it is Thursday, but I have an important meeting in the AM, that is helping to keep me in check), or start texting the guys or anything like that. I forced myself to fold and put away laundry and update my to-do list for tomorrow so I can hopefully start over. In a little bit longer, I can probably manage to go for a little walk. I am actually still too dizzy, and buzzing from the rocketship, to be able to jog safely. Isn't this a trip? I wonder what percentage of the human population actually has this intensity of emotion, this agitation, like I get. It is so ironic that I was so calm in my prior post and then ka-WHAM. Maybe this Wellbutrin has indeed run its course and the increased dosage is actually making things worse. Just a thought to keep in mind. I'm tired now. This is good. Mol over and out. |
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zenobia Moderator
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honey sometimes a body needs fuel your food and wine incedent was probably more beneficial than you think. ok, and for as much as i am not a fan of corporate and all of that... i will send it in a p.m. it's about meds for your pup. hey, you gotta try everything, right? |
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zenobia Moderator
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and i am super happy that you kept yourself in check :) |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Failed A little after 11PM I pigged out and ate everything in sight. 4 pierogi w/cream cheese, couple of slices of ham, 2 peanut butter sandwich halves, and tostitos. Another 1000 calories. So I figured I'd best try to not eat on Friday so I can get the crud out of my system and get my tummy flat so I look good for the weekend. What do I do? Had a frosted cake donut along with my egg & bacon strip for breakfast. Ugh. How can I be this weak? Seriously? How lame I am being. De-lame-ing I am gonna go get my Munich Energy Mol on and turn this into a great day.  At least I think I slept hard. It's only 1/2 day at the office and then YAY the 3-day weekend. Planning to do some more shopping this afternoon. I am really happy for the first time in oh say 15 years I feel like I am going to remain the same size for a long time, and can actually finish building a wardrobe where I know everything in it fits at any given time, and finish weeding out the stuff that doesn't fit right any more. For example, I am wearing a size 10 suit right now because it is the only black-on-black jacket/skirt I have right now, and it looks baggy. I need to fix that. Because good clothes make you feel good! Industrial event night tonight, meeting up with Chris and Ian. Others will likely be there as well. OK time to start kicking a-- and leaving all this noise and crud in the dust. W00t! I feel it coming on.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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All Is Right In the World Again, For A Bit OK lets see. Today has been a pretty darn good day. My 3 hour scheduled meeting this AM with Tormentor and a couple of our staff members went like a love-fest.  I guess he must be on his meds or something. Anyway, we accomplished what we needed in an hour and 10 minutes. I got out of the office 2 hours early, got in early at my dr. appointment, and so had extra time for shopping. No, no, wait, that's Shopping!! Let me demonstrate appropriately my level of excitement. I got a new black dress for the wake Sunday, plain, understated, yet with a few rows of fluffy stuff on the bottom to give it a bit of a fashionable look without any glitz. Also got some unplanned jewelry (hey it was on sale, as was the dress), and oh...some 'other stuff' (ahem). I had my own personal fashion show when I got home and it was fun. I have to say, although I am not happy with my saggy skin on my abdomen, top of thighs and butt, my legs in a dress look really fantastic. Must be all the running. So you know what they say, you gotta work with what you have. Anyway, today 1037IN including a glass of white wine I am enjoying right now. 768 Net. 3.1M, 2.8J/0.3W approx 32 (34.00-approx 2 mins to buy water). Plus, I should be getting in dancing later (industrial event nite, my favourite). Anyway, my workout pace is notably getting faster which is great! Today was a nice solid time, really (for me anyway), and I am chuffed about it. Its about time I started getting back to my pre-injury condition. I am feeling good that another 2 weeks and I will be ready to enter a real race/run!! Yes! I love a 3-day holiday weekend. I am in such the best mood. Even Michael's morose state isn't getting me down. In fact, I am rather glad I have my own plans already for tonight. Wishing everyone a great weekend! Mol. |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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Happy weekend to you, too, MM! |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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Happy Memorial Day weekend to you Mol. Come on down. I am loading up the grill this weekend. Lots of pig on the barbie.Last edited on 24 May 2009 11:12 am by John Deere Doug |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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John Deere Doug wrote: Happy Memorial Day weekend to you Mol. Come on down. I am loading up the grill this weekend. Oh boy Doug, does that sound fun! Enjoy! Waking Up Past Noon Well usually I would write an apres club post but I crashed after a long night of dancing and drinking. Went to the industrial event night and delicious-to-look-at-26-year-old-Chris and Ian were the ony 2 regular mates of mine present. "Shallow" Marc was there with a couple of girls he generally hangs with and didn't bother acknowledging my existence. This was perfectly fine with me as it saved me the bother of speaking to him. For added color, though, realize that the portion of the dance floor that I "own" and his "usual spot" at this club are in proximity of about 6 feet. Its stupid to not at least be cordial to people you are going to see regularly. The place started getting busy around midnight and I got most of 1.5 hours of dancing in. The calories burned calculator doesn't have a category for Mol dancing. But I burned a lot. Which is good because over the course of the evening I consumed a lot too. I should know better than to drink vokda but it really is the one thing that doesn't slow me down when dancing. Chris & Ian and migrated over to #2 about 2, stayed until about mmmmm 3:30?, met up with Carlton. Carlton was there with 2 girls for a bit, they were rather young, (but then again, isn't everyone these days)? For some reason people seemed happy to see me last night, ha, perhaps everyone was just in a great mood because of the long holiday weekend or something. K absolutely picked me up in the middle of the dance floor in a big hug which was remarkable considering he weighs about what I do, seriously. Aviator was super friendly and danced "with" me (again, weird) and oh, lets see, this dude Guido (ok, I know I am going to regret calling him that) was at both places, bought me a drink, and amusingly helped himself to a few kisses of my collarbone while I was talking to Chris. It was fun. Chris gave me a lift home and we ended up playing records and drinking the rest of that bottle of white wine. And. I am starting to think if I had a nickel for every time a guy told me 'I think you're a cool chick, but..." eh. I am getting tired of being the cool chick. Heh. At least we didn't fool around and then I get the cool chick speech. That would really suck. I don't know what time he left, but it was definitely getting very light out, probably around 5/5:30. Immediately thereafter, I crashed. I woke up this AM and Depeche Mode World In My Eyes - 12" was still spinning on the right turntable, that way for a good 6 hours, you know, how the needle plays to the inside of the record and just keeps going round and round... So...NOW my large mug of Starbucks has finished brewing and I am very happy to have that first sip to begin waking up. I've already had a large plate of pasta with some chicken. My left ankle strain resurfaced while dancing last night (dancing injury again, sigh) so I won't be running today, I will probably just do my toning. Supposed to have date night with Michael tonight, although he has been rather morose about his uncle and with the wake tomorrow, he's probably not going to be up for much. Have to call him in a bit. After I wake up.  Nine Inch Nails - Piggy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NOYCzRzZIs |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Crime and Punishment I think it is worthwhile to note that still feel like crud from last night. That I've wasted an entire vacation day off and blew off plans to do some volunteering entirely. I don't even feel like seeing Michael, I don't feel like toning, or getting dressed or doing to sit in some stupid bar or restaurant or even talking. The tradeoffs I make - the fun of the dancing and clubbing and drinking and letting loose - and how much it takes out of me in terms of sleep disruption, the drinking, loss of quality time, unbalancing effects...there's no way to reconcile the two, really, its like opposing forces in the universe. I'd like to just rest, stay in, and try to write some more in the book of Mol tonight. Perhaps I will keep my visit with Michael very short. OK I admit it. I am procrastinating. Entirely. I wish there was a magical pill I could take to feel better right now. The coffee just didn't cut it. Sigh. No motivation. None. Someone kick me in the butt, please. |
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zenobia Moderator
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I woke up this AM and Depeche Mode World In My Eyes - 12" was still spinning on the right turntable, that way for a good 6 hours, you know, how the needle plays to the inside of the record and just keeps going round and round... oh yes, i know. i so very know also about the payment for the day after having a fun night out. seriously. the only remedy i find is a shower. even if you have to shower both befor your workout and after, there is nothing that gets me remotely close to moving off the couch. fact. balance. yes, it's a running theme, eh? *sigh* |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sparkler It's 12:28AM and am feeling better again, I mean, where my head is at. I made myself go do my toning after my last post, it really made me feel much better physically and woke me up. I was stumped for what to wear tonight, as Michael and I were not going clubbing so I couldn't wear my usual club gear, and I wanted to wear something more visually stimulating than blue jeans. Lucky for me I started flipping through the closet for inspiration and found - a new dress - the one I bought Monday for going out. Absolutey perfect, black lacey design, form fitting, showing the curves in the right places. Added thigh high stockings and tall boots and a new necklace and voila! Looking your best is certainly a great mood enhancer. A new dress always makes me feel 'sparkly special'. Michael definitely approved.We ended up staying in (yay, thankfully) and listened to a Bill Hicks comedy routine. Very funny. I enjoyed that. I haven't listened to a comedian in a long time and I laughed a lot. It was a good evening. I left around 11:30 and I knew I should come straight home but started heading over to #1 to make an appearance and say hello to the dj - then I managed to put my priorities back in order, changed course, went to the store to pick up a few needed things then came home. I will soon to bed, then tomorrow is lunch and the wake with Michael. I need a snack or something though, I haven't eaten in about 12 hours. That can be a risky proposition for me this time of night so I have to FOCUS and not go binging. I don't have final totals for Friday. Primarily because of all the alcohol plus all the dancing pretty much negated each other I was probably around 1000Net. Totals for Saturday: 839IN/739Net => B.S. (before snack LOL) |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Ah, fared pretty well - about 450 calories - grilled chicken wrap. I forgot to mention, seeing 122.5 on the scale, still think it is due to being low on water, but it surely is nice to see. To bed and sleep!! |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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John Deere Doug wrote: Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now? Thank you sir, may I have another? Animal House - Initiation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdFLPn30dvQ |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Dock Of The Bay Gosh, what a lovely lovely morning. Awoke around 8:30, the sun is out, the temperature is mild, the birds are chirping - and although the neighbor next door and his friend are obnoxiously yelling to each other across the yard already it isn't even that irritating. C-Dog is quietly snoozing in the sun as the curtains over his head sway lightly back and forth. Tranquility. I love this calm and peace. It stems from good sleep, no alchohol, good weather, new clothes, looking physically good, and having a nice day off with my single scheduled obligation promising to be rather agreeable and interesting. OK. I've just had it with the neighbor and put my Ipod on to block them out for the time being, not going to let them ruin this moment for me. I am listinging to Otis Redding Dock of the Bay which Zen mentioned in the Off Topic post. What a good song for a morning like this....in a lot of ways. It is May 24, 2009. I feel reflective, and trying to understand just where this dock is where I've decided to hang out for a spell. I shut my my eyes and smell the salt and hear the waves crashing on the breakers...just being, just existing, just wasting time... Things have surely changed for me in the past year, what is the arc of this story? What force has carried me forward to this place and where is it taking me? No - That is wrong, the idea that there is some mysterious force behind all this. I mean, its me. The force is me, and that force has been like a tornado in some respects, destroying with abandon and without discretion, and yet I have to give recognition to some positive things that have come forward, doing some writing, getting fit, reconnecting with old friends, enjoying music again, exploring, travelling, and learning, slowly to live life on my own terms - just really, at this stage, discovering what those terms even are. There is still so much pain and uncertainty and fear which I need to conquer. And it is times like this which afford the opportunity for me to take a look at it all, and remind myself that I need to be deliberate in my choices, that "do nothing" always has and will continue to be a strategy. I am lonely to be sure, and yet I don't do all that I can and really should to abate that loneliness, at least not with a long term view, by focusing my time with people who are 'real' friends. The relationships @ the clubs are superficial and from the hard lessons I've learned, I would expect them to stay that way. My relationship with Michael continues to serve a purpose, and I have to say his sharp-edged perspective challenges me to think critically about my views of the world and about myself. I hope I will be able to continue this train of thought later, as it is time to go get in the shower and get dressed for the wake etc. I am certain that this day will bring much for reflection about people, relationships, and how the experiences from our past colour our actions of today...let me make something meaningful of it. |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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mollymoo24 wrote: John Deere Doug wrote:Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now? Ok....KIck.  That movie was a classic in my day.Last edited on 24 May 2009 05:25 pm by John Deere Doug |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Rubber Ring The Smiths - Rubber Ring http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpf6gJU3520 A sad fact widely known The most impassionate song To a lonely soul Is so easily outgrown But don’t forget the songs That made you smile And the songs that made you cry When you lay in awe On the bedroom floor And said : "oh, oh, smother me mother..." No ... Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring La ... The passing of time And all of it’s crimes Is making me sad again The passing of time And all of it’s sickening crimes Is making me sad again But don’t forget the songs That made you cry And the songs that saved your life Yes, you’re older now And you’re a clever swine But they were the only ones who ever stood by you The passing of time leaves empty lives Waiting to be filled (the passing ...) The passing of time Leaves empty lives Waiting to be filled I’m here with the cause I’m holding the torch In the corner of your room Can you hear me ? And when you’re dancing and laughing And finally living Hear my voice in your head And think of me kindly No ... Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring La ... No ... Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring Do you Love me like you used to ? Oh ... Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring La ... You’re clever Everybody’s clever nowadays You’re clever Everybody’s clever nowadays You are sleeping You do not want to believe You are sleeping You do not want to believe You are sleeping You do not want to believe You are sleeping Last edited on 25 May 2009 07:38 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Yesterday's totals 2152IN, no exercise. I have a very deep blister on my left big toe since Friday which is making it difficult to walk, let alone run. Stinks. Just when my conditioning was getting better too. I am thinking a bike ride later, but the most important thing to me today is writing. I wrote some offline already, not anything worthy of sharing at this point. I am dizzy. I was in bed by 12 and up by 8 but something is just feeling very off. I am so tired of being unable to think clearly, of wandering around in this fog, it is frustrating and not helping me get my Munich Energy Mol on...hard to think straight, make choices, make forward progress, connect the dots... I got rear ended yesterday on the way to the wake, and at a good rate too which shoved my own car into the car in front of me. So, my SUV has both back and front end damage. Sucks, yet no one was hurt and my lovely expensive tank-built SUV once again proved its strength, because if I was in a little car Michael and I wouldn't be walking away I am sure. I am a freaking accident magnet lately. Am I driving around with a black cloud following me? Eh.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Black Cloud Its almost magical how the world around you can sometimes echo what you are feeling inside. Midday, the sky slowly clouded over and the air thickened, the result of storms formulating southwest of here. The outside world became dim, as if viewed through an opaque lens. Simultaneously, the black cloud surrounding me cast a pall over the house, silently infiltrating the den and the very air with smoky and grey tones, an unwelcome foggy mist over my thoughts, and writing and feelings. Ah, Depression. Thy unwelcome familiar grip is relentless at times. I know too well those sad thoughts of self-doubt and isolation and unworthiness, feeling unloved and unwanted and having nothing to offer, feeling again the losses I've incurred intentionally and otherwise, during the downward spiral. I started wanting to run, run, to get away from it all, to get away from the self-torment, to get away from myself (which, by the way, we know never works because we keep running into 'me'), so I went and got on my workout gear and I went outside with the intent to take a walk. I encountered the neighbor next door who is about 63ish, I haven't seen her since before the winter, she questioned that she doesn't see L's car any more and I gave her the abbreviated version of events leading up to and through the divorce, and where I am at now. It was apparent today as it similarly struck me yesterday when meeting people at the wake - I have writer's block. I mean, the Bool of Mol. Who I am and where I am going. Its all here and yet I cannot seem to put it together. I don't know why. I've had the good fortune to meet amazing people and I feel in awe of them; I know that I should be able to achieve amazing things with this life I've been given, and yet, for some reason I am the most boring, inarticulate, and confused person, with a terrible memory, simply stuck churning the same thoughts and ideas. What is my deal? Where is Munich Energy Mol? Why on this very day of all days, the day I set aside a large chuck of thinking time, is it not "coming to me'? Sigh. Anyway, suprisingly my toe held up well in my running shoes with a hydrating bandage wrap, so I got a real workout in....and just didn't want to stop...I then walked to the convenience store to get a couple of necessities, and then walked and jogged around the neighborhood some more. Why is it that working out, is the "easy out" for me. Being a smart chick and former fatty, it is ironic that in my life, "physical activity" is now easier than "mental activity". Sigh. So far today: 585IN, 180Net. Est 5.3M, 3.3J/2.0W. I seriously need to get in toning later. My belly looks distended and fat today, which is disappointing, I mean, its only been something like 48 hours since I toned. Blech. Weigh-in later. I am going to go take a bath and try to get into a better mode because once again I am just sittin on the dock of the bay, wasting time. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Apathy. The World's Best Medicine. 1728IN, 1323Net. I didn't do my toning after all. At this juncture, I simply am holding out hope a good nights' sleep tonight will have me waking up ready for action as my fuzzy head has gotten even worse this evening. Some good news, weigh-in was 124 after dinner. Dinner being a lovely personal-sized Gino's East sausage pizza. Surely they joke when they say one serving is 1/2 of this little bitty pizza. Not in my world. I ate the whole thing, 890. I love that cornmeal(?) crust, nothing else like it.  L came over for about an hour visit and to pick up mail and money. We talked a bit about nothing, polite conversation really. He still isn't looking very hard for work, it seems, and it makes me sad. Everything else is going OK. I downloaded an audiobook today which I intend to follow up with the full book in soon. It is A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) by Miyamoto Musashi. I was not familiar with it at all, but it played heavily in several points Michael was making yesterday and whetted my appetite to learn more about his philosophies. I suppose if I cannot sleep it will make an excellent way to drift off tonight. And at least I get to sleep until 6 tomorrow. Tomorrow is day 1 of the 2-day faceoff with Tormentor. Sad to say this has been years in the making, and I've been so beaten to a pulp that I literally just don't care any more. Perhaps that is a Good Thing. Letting go. After all, it is only a job. Oh and - no snacking. Time for bed. |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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MM, never underestimate the power of the Cosmic Forces. They do seem to watch over us and carry us where we need to be. |
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zenobia Moderator
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you will have to tell me about the book. i bet it's pretty interesting. so Mol vs. Tormentor, The Great and Epic Battle, huh? No matter what happens, look at the positive. get a good run in to get out the aggression. and yes, you are not your job. I hope the black clouds lift and the sun shines through.  Take care and keep us posted. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Cheesefest 1. I went on a little food fest last night to the tune of 1100 calories. Rice cakes w/peanut butter; ham/tortilla/creamcheese rollup; scoops w/melted jalepeno cheese; olive oil/bread/grated cheese. Nice. As if having a good workout and having a good weigh in yesterday was all the permission I needed to eat whatever I wanted. 2. I went on a little food fest this morning at the meeting including 2 mini-muffins, 1/2 bagel w/cream cheese, a mini danish. (800?) Had a reasonable lunch (400) then went back and grabbed a bag of kettle crisps (250?) and ate that. Then...had an entire piece of chocolately fudge cake (700?) that someone put down in front of me. And I still feel hungry. I know its all that sugar but I really want to put some better quality food into my system. I am dressed in my workout clothes ready to go attempt some form of penance, although clearly I could be out on the streets all night and not burn all this off. Today's meeting actually went quite well and so far there hasn't been a source of great conflict. I suppose people are picking their battles and waiting for the big moment(s) tomorrow. Actually I didn't feel depressed all day again until the drive home when I was thinking about a couple of things. I might as well put them down. Most immediately - Michael, and wondering if/when he's going to walk away and my own neediness which is interfering with my establishing a walk-away point. Somewhat relatedly, my insecurities about my physical attractiveness, and more generally my general attractiveness as a human being right now. This goes back to what everyone tells you. Fix yourself first, then and only then should you worry about dating. Healthy attracts healthy. Quality attracts quality. I am going to go run and try to do something healthy and shake this cloud. Last edited on 27 May 2009 12:49 am by mollymoo24 |
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Scoobees Distinguished Member
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Hope you have a great run, Mol! Nothing like a good workout to chase those clouds away for sure. I was reading about your 'food-fests' and all the sugar making you still feel hungry - and you just can't believe how much I can identify with this right now. I was nodding my head in agreement with crumbs of my second Swiss cake roll falling onto the key board. It's been that kind of day.Sending you lot of sunshine! |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Hey, MM, Crime and punishment. Good title. I generally gave up on the bars many years ago, after one particularly heavy drinking session involving a tequila walk from which it took me *days* to recover. At least the dancing has to be good for you, so that's something. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Rain Rain-rain-rain-rain-a rain-a-rain-a-rain. Yes, as Mol headed for the front door, the droplets began. Thwarted? No. Stretches on the front stoop, eyeballing the sky, willing the light rain to blow over. No such luck. Well. there was no way I was not getting that run in, so I went anyway. Yes, in the steady light rain, sidewalks to myself, knowing the neighbors must think I am nuts, wearing a cap to keep the rain out of my eyes, and spandex gear to keep the worst of the wet from seeping in. Off I went, and all those carbs/extra calories were apparent as it was easy as pie to do my 3.1m in 31:20. I was intent to walk another 2 miles after that but the lightning came and the heavens opened and so...that was the end of that. I had a salad and some tuna and that didn't cut it so I've gone off on another food fest tonight. Thinking back - tortillas, ham, scoops, cheese, rice cakes, peanut butter...900 I am guessing. I am wondering truly if this 2-day food-fest and my depressed mood are linked. Like if they are both hormonal, or something with the wellbutrin or whatever. But my body seems to genuinely want the food and I am certainly feeding it. Perhaps tomorrow will afford better workout weather, it looks like I should have free time after work. I employed 'no texting' since Sun evening and was pleased to hear from Michael this evening. The fact that we didn't fix plans for our next date, however, well, its not unusual but it bothers me a bit. I know we are both busy people and our schedules don't exactly mesh etc. (his changes week to week too) so some weeks there is just no good time, but I always like having something concrete to look forward to. Sigh. Maybe its a girl thing? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Last Gentlemen SPLURP!!!!!! The clouds have parted - not those outside; rather the ones that have invaded my life the past few days. I can't explain it and I am starting to think that when I die, I need to donate my brain to science and they can figure it out. Of course that will be too late to help me though...but maybe it will help someone. Anyway today was Day 2 of the great face-off with Tormentor that wasn't. It was frustrating that we spent a day and a half on this and did not get into the details of what needed to be resolved. I rather think there is an agenda behind it all being driven by the VP. Fine. Not letting it bother me, because there is nothing that I can do. I wasn't feeling depressed today, but I didn't really kick into feeling good until some time after I went back to the office - around 3ish, when I quickly blew through some items with my boss and then took my 3:30 meeting from the car instead of the office, and we knocked out a decision consensus very quickly and painlessly. I was home, dressed and out running around 4:45. And it was during this run, when I picked up my pace, that - for the first time in ages - I got back into the mind-body zone, that connection which has been missing, that adrenaline, that running pace, that clarity of both visual and mental perception that is the best of me. I have work to complete later and it doesn't stress me at all, its prep for a career development discussion tomorrow. Its so strange. I am not stressed, or sad, and feel back in control over my eating and not needy or lonely. Mischeivous, glint in the eye, Munich Energy Mol. I wish I knew what causes this, is it just chemical fluctuations, hormones, or ?? It wasn't the Tormentor meeting I don't think because nothing really got resolved, although it is true that it was less draining than I expected. Is it because I got some things off my plate at work and created some forward motion? Perhaps. I really don't know. Yesterdays revised totals were 3180IN/2913Net. Todays totals: 5.6M (3.6J 2.0W) 1:14:15. 1001IN/553Net. I still would like to do my toning. I think I will skip any form of dinner because I am afraid it will just set me off and I am having a good day at this point. It's not like I haven't added a little padding the past few days anyway. Ha, I just let Michael's call ring and plan to ignore him until tomorrow. Oh, the title of this post was going to be The Difference A Day Makes but that's a repeat. But I was thinking about a song by the same name by a long-defunct band by the name of The Last Gentlemen. Boy, does that bring back a ton of associated memories, including the time a particular guy got me into a show at a bar with a fake ID at the age of 16, I had a bit of a crush on the lead singer - who, I have to guess, is probably gay but I don't know. I ran into him though in Home Depot once years later and had a polite little chat. OK I gotta go tone. w00t!! ETA: Totals after toning: 1001IN/453Net. Last edited on 28 May 2009 02:00 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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#%@&!. I just logged onto the networking site quickly before going to tone and Michael posted, which he doesn't do frequently. He lost his job today. I guess now I know what he was calling about. #%@&!. Alright, toning first, and this is not my problem to get involved in...he's a big boy. |
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suenos Moderator
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well, whatever the mysterious reason...sooooo glad you're feeling on your game. And I learned a brand new term that made me laugh out loud (at an inapproriate moment ) cause it soooo perfectly described something you and I both do (and apparently most of the rest of the world does not do (umm, 'cause they're normal?)....so anyway the term is "meta cognition" which means not just thinking, but thinking about your thoughts - like navel gazing on crack!! \ |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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suenos wrote: so anyway the term is "meta cognition" which means not just thinking, but thinking about your thoughts L-flipping-O-L that's awesome! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Running Warrior Its 4AM, I slept about 3 hours and have now been up for an hour. I am working on a research project of sorts, related to Michael. Hopefully nappy soon. Tomorrow I've have a lot going on including lunch with my boss and need to stay on my game. I haven't actually heard back from Michael. Assuming he either found a supportive ear elsewhere for the evening or just doesn't want to talk with anyone now. Last night around10:30 I went ahead and ate what I wanted. Triscuits (a lot) (360), Scoops (130) ham/tortilla rolloup (200), dollup up peanut butter (100). Bringing my total for the day to 1791IN/1243Net. So, I didn't make any progress against the indiscretions of the past few days, but at least the Net cals were still fine. I suppose however, that late night eating is why I am presently up. I should note that while I am not a fan of the presentation style of this audiobook, A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) has a lot of basic, intuitive concepts which can be applied to any situation. And with the clarity of mind I experienced while running today, (running at a faster pace and visualizing ahead) I felt increased focus, mental and physical intensity, just a fraction of what could be accomplished with practice. In some ways, I realize, I am just out of practice. Professionally, for example, honing in and presenting concepts. I've been dealing with administrative #%@&! for so long I don't get the chance all that often to use my brain on the strategic and analytical issues. Perhaps that is part of what happened for me mentally, yesterday, somehow I got to use different parts of my brain while we were in the offsite meeting and it got my brain cells firing again.  I need to try to squeeze in another appointment after work tomorrow. Then Friday is off and I have a number of things scheduled. Dropping the SUV to the dealer to begin repairs; carpet cleaning, catch up on bills, plumber coming, etc. YESSSSSS Mol is finally going to replace the deluxe supertanker toilet with the smaller version, and reclaim 2 precious inches in her box-sized bathroom!!! OK I am going to try to sleep now.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Ooh, one more thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacognition This topic is also making me think of the book My Stroke of Insight, which is a very good example of thinking about thinking. I would like to reread that again soon, it was very useful for me but I need to start practicing again staying in my right brain. This is what I mean about writing the Book of Mol, I mean "Stay in my Right Brain" should be in a list of Mol's Fundamental Rules of the Eternal Cosmos. Eh, if I keep going with this flow right now I won't get any sleep, darn it all, gotta go... |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Metacognition. In software, we talk a lot about meta-data, which is data about data. The interesting thing is, this seems like the opposite of what the goal of mediation is, which is not thinking about anything at all. Which is better? Like, my boss was bragging about how when she drives into work, she doesn't think at all. "Nothing going on". It seem kind of strange, because my brain is always meandering off to some kind of thing to chew on. It's tough to turn it off. I guess meta-cognition would mean steering that process. It's confusing thinking about thinking. I think I'll go back to my book on Machine Learning. It's easier :) |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Pulp Fiction Sorry to tease, and no there's no pulp fiction in this entry, at least. No, I am just having a Most Excellente Time getting some things organized, watching the movie Pulp Fiction, and having a Mike's Light Hard Lemonade. I have a packed day tomorrow to which I've added more, and am really pleased with what I am going to accomplish through my effective planning. I also kicked butt at the office today and got through tons of decisions and actions. I love it when I am on my game. Lunch with the boss went well, fairly informal, he is enthusiastic about getting me involved in some other projects and an assignment in Europe, fully supportive, needs me to get some proposal options written up and get them on the table. The biggest hurdle is buckling down doing some homework/overtime and making the extra effort to make it happen. I suppose if I'd have channeled all my journaling time on CPH into working on this, I'd have progressed things along, so either there is a procrastination/hesitation factor about it; or, more likely, I simply had to prioritize getting my personal house in order before thinking about professional advancement. It's been painful. I haven't counted my calories today, I know I am over - still, all healthy stuff (before the MLHL) and I am OK with this. I needed a night to just stay in and relax. Actually it was supposed to be a night out but I never did get back to sleep last night and so...I need to get to bed early tonight to get everything done that I want to. I don't even want to go see Michael. Speaking of which, THIS is the kind of determination I admire. Last night he loses his job; he spends the evening reaching out to folks, then this morning works on his resume and this afternoon is already putting in job applications. He's got a lead on working for cash as a doorman @ a concert venue to keep the cashflow going while he's looking for something more solid. The guy is intensely focused and clear-minded. He'll be just fine. He could also sell eggs to a hen. As before - I know what this is, and I know what it isn't - but its sure enjoyable being with such a charismatic character. Contrast this with the ex-husband who, while super nice, had zero drive to educate, train, or better himself and spent nearly two years unemployed and on the couch (he's on 2.5 years now) and it might be apparent why I've gone 180 degrees.jackbenimble wrote: Metacognition. In software, we talk a lot about meta-data, which is data about data. Never heard of that, but love the concept. jackbenimble wrote:
This is super interesting to me. Because, I can never account for the time I spend in the car, or the time I spend running, either. I also never recall my dreams. I wonder if I have two settings - on or off - since I am always running to extremes, this would make some sort of sense to me. I wonder why though? OK - I am going to stop now. Dusty Springfield - Son of A Preacher Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp4339EbVn8 God, I love this movie. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Being Social Mol is putting herself out on a bit of a limb here, there is a group of h.s. people going to see a comedy thingy tomorrow evening, and as I live in the city and directly in almost everyone's path, and I am feeling up to it, I have invited everyone back here for snacks and drinks around the firepit. S, EF & her S.O., Pitch, and an unknown quantity of others. So, because I am incredibly anxious person, I've gone into high anxiety mode and am running around to try to get things done. I always ruin it for myself by focusing on getting the house ready, and everything perfect for my guests, and not on getting ME. So I am going to try to force myself to STAY IN MY RIGHT BRAIN...calm down, make a list, go shopping and then relax. I was supposed to go out and even perhaps see Michael very late but now, I just want to focus on getting ready. Amd I really want to put the anxiety aside and truly enjoy the opportunity to spend time with these folks. CDog CDog was having sudden onset neurological difficulties today (drunken sailor walk in his hind legs, along with a pedaling motion in one), after speaking with the vet they think it may be toxity from one of his antibiotics and so we've stopped it and am monitoring. Thing is, if it happens to be the antibiotic which is making progress against the pneumonia, that is not such a good thing. We wait and see. Catching Up Got a lot of stuff done today. Dropped off the SUV for repairs; had SB over for coffee; peapod came; did laundry; jogged/walked 4 miles; had the carpet cleaned; had the plumber over and got the toilet innards fixed and the hot water flowing to the washer again. Unfortunately he put out his back the job before mine and I couldn't get that darn toilet swapped out. I am doomed to forever have a toilet in my dining room, apparently. Ordered pet meds, sorted out a magazine script and my lawnservice bill, still getting some other things organized/cleaned up and then will head to the store later. My muscles were really really awful, I mean AWFUL trying to run today. Locked, dead, solid, couldn't get them loosened up at all. Not sure if it is something I ate, or perhaps a side effect of a new med that I just started yesterday, but it was a terrible time trying to run, my legs didn't even want to hold me and I thought I might actually fall. I walked a bit longer just to get in more exercise because yesterday was a lot of calories and I also had a bit more than intended at brekkie today because of having company. I was a bit disappointed that my killer new Demonia boots didn't arrive today, I was hoping that I might be able to wear them tonight or tomorrow night. I am sure I'll be back later. Social. I can't believe it. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Toooo tired....sleeeeeepy...pigged out....busy day tomorrow....night night. |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Hey MM, I hope your party turns out well. You're really doing a nice job building up your own social network now that you can't rely on L's. It's key and needs to be done, and you're doing it, which is the hardest part. Don't worry about meta-data. It's boring. Interesting to me how you can space out while driving or jogging. For driving, since I don't do as much, I've found a really good station, almost know commercials. WBOS. It's working for me right now. For jogging, I'm usually thinking about work. Boring, huh? Well, yesterday I thought up a little piece of a song while I was running, and recorded it when I got home. I usually record it when I think of it - which reminds me, I left a snippet on my answering machine a couple of days ago, need to get that on the system. Some day, I'm actually going to construct songs of all these little snippets. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Wow. The day is just flying by. I've got enough food and drink here to satisfy about 30 people and if only 5 show then oh well. Next up: Toning, 30 minute run, shower, dress, makeup, get ice. I've gotta find an outfit that is attractive, but not 'trying too hard'. I'd better get rolling. Whew it is a whirlwind! But fun. Um, I was in a hurry and had McDonald's for brunch. 2 hamburgers+sm. fries. And this after I ate whatever I wanted again last night. I didn't like eyeballing a 127 on the scale last night. Surely much of that is water retention, and I just need to get back on track tomorrow. Because tonight - I just don't want to care. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Super LAZY Sunday The improv was fun, a guy from h.s. performed and we had about 10 people there to watch. My good friend EF was there and I met her boyfriend for the first time, S was in town, Pitch took the train in and carpooled with me/us...after the show we had dinner at the Hidden Shamrock (mmmm Shepherd's pie) then really only the 4 aforenamed folks plus Andrew came back to my place for drinks and conversation around the fire. The rest of the folks wanted to stay out at the bars. [I have a ton of leftover beer and wine if anyone wants to come over. ] Andrew and I kept on until 4:30 and had a rollicking time, another successful networking site reconnection. Having spent a ton of time together in band in h.s. it was amazing to pick up right where we'd left off. Anyway, I aggravated my left ankle again dancing around in the den to the Ipod somewhere along the way, so I couldn't run today, no Super Sunday. You can take the girl out of the club, but you can't take the club out of the girl. Pitch Pitch enthusiastically approved of my humble charming little abode, which he visited for the first time. It was the right day and the right night for it, really, with the weather mild and the light streaming thru the many windows during the afternooon, and with the trees in the large (for the city) backyard, the large bush flowering and the greened up english ivy providing an attactive backdrop for the firepit. Pitch is a really cool cat, or rather, a cool cat trapped...he's like me, how I was for so many years, the artistic and creative core within him still there but buried by the rest of life, waiting to be rediscovered, working unhappily in a successful, high-stress well-paying corporate career and dealing with high anxiety (Mol on steroids, not kidding). He's not only brilliant and highly educated, but funny, quick-witted, comes from the hometown, is musically talented, and likes to write. He's at a transition point in his own life, challenging, questioning, and is just starting the process of figuring out what to do to become happier - because he is not happy, he is a bit lost right now, and lonely. And being about a year ahead of him on the learning curve of reclaiming one's lost self, he looks to me, I think, as someone he admires, someone strong, even though I don't always see that in myself. Pitch took the train in and walked to my house. Inside, he took a quick look around then had a seat while we waited for 3 others to arrive. He asked if I was going to another meetup in the hometown next weekend and I said something about the sheer number of h.s./hometown gatherings due to the networking site, and having missed the clubs the past 2 weekends I wanted to go clubbing at least one night next weekend, so I am not sure of my schedule. I've tried to see if he will go to any of my favorite haunts with me but he feels that he doesn't 'fit' there and makes self-effacing comments about his own "Eddie Bauer" self. He told me how 'hip' I was (and my brain went - noooo - please no not the cool chick thing again ) and said he wishes he was more 'hip' like me. I told him that I think he's cool - very cool - and teasing him said "Hey - I wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't cool". Then time stopped as he said, "I knew you were cool when you put the Cocteau Twins on and you doubted whether I would recognize it." That, from the night I took him to the St. Patty's Day party, our 2nd time out, the connection that moment, both musically and on a higher level, so strong and so right. I drew breath, and smiling but avoiding eye contact, said, "Yeah, that was a moment wasn't it. That was a moment." Why I shied away from looking at him I don't know. Maybe because I am afraid that he only means to be friends, or maybe since I know this has to be a slow burn in order to work, I am afraid to take any step this soon and mess it up.S was staying overnight and I offered for Pitch to stay for the night if he wanted and he was appreciative. He really wanted to blow off some steam and have a good time and not worry about getting home. However, the way the night/group shaped up later in the evening to be honest I don't think he had as much in common to talk about, and we were seated apart and I was playing hostess, and he ended up taking the late train home. Before he left however, I told him that I had something for him and hurried in the house to see him off. Inside, I grabbed the hard copy leather journal I purchased for him a few weeks ago, and put it in his hands. He was visibly touched. We'd had a couple of conversations about writing, and journals and blogging along the way, and he knows about the Book of Mol and had been saying he needed to get back into writing. He's on the same journal of self-discovery, another soul who woke up nearly 40, realized that he is not happy and trying to figure out what direction to head. Anyway, earlier in the evening he mentioned that he has to go out of town again Tuesday - it is a sudden plan - and guess his destination - Munich. Munich. A Weave of Threads. What a strange sense of timing life has sometimes. When I was in Munich in October, in the course of 48 hours I reached the ultimate pivotal point in my life. Achingly, painfully, thrillingly reaching the height of Munich Energy Mol, running in the barren, cold, dank English Garden woods, and along the banks of the river, to run, run away, to free myself from the life that wouldn't hold me any more. Munich Energy Mol, exploring the city, taking spectacular photos, soaking in the energy. Munich Energy Mol making friends at St. E - Dieter's voice ringing in my ears "Life Life! Fantastic!". Munich Energy Mol, finally releasing years of repression and living in the moment. It was October, autumn, and really the beginning of my Winter...the certainty of the need to divorce L having become irretrievably clear, a simple fact that boarded the plane with me in Munich and landed here with me in the U.S. and cleared customs with a permanent visa. Winter had started, yet I didn't see the blizzard warning signs...and the winter storms came hard and heavy...the divorce, a head full of D, driving D away and feeling shattered, losing my footing in the club circle, experiencing loss of other friendships and stability which I hadn't remotely anticipated, swimming in alcohol and depression, making dubious new friends, seeking male attention as a quick fix, and prioritizing the club scene as if it were truly important in life. Along the way though, some signs that Mol was not completely hibernating all winter, but was sowing some seeds which would eventually grow and blossom in the springtime. The start of the Book of Mol, finding solace in wonderful old high school friends, meeting new people, buying lots of fun club gear, travelling, exploring, creating, experiencing, loving music again, writing, stretching the boundaries of relationships, becoming confident to a degree with my new body, and becoming more open to options...I've surely left some things out... If you have read this far, no doubt you are wondering where I am headed with this... Munich. Pitch is going to Munich. On Tuesday. In the Springtime. It is Springtime in Munich. Can it be that it is Springtime, finally, for Mol, on a number of levels. I am growing stronger. I am rediscovering good parts of myself that I like and growing in other ways. And then, on another level, it is increasingly obvious that Pitch and I have so much in common. It is time for him to start writing the Book of Pitch. When he told me about the trip, I had to give him the journal last night before he went. I was saving it for the right moment, and the right moment came. Life creating its own metaphors, it is not an accident, one must be awake, attuned, and aware, to realize these moments when they happen. I hope this is the start of Pitch's own self-discovery, he's an amazing guy, it will be a pleasure and a gift to see him find himself again. I am just going to leave this one right on the track it is currently on. I've got to continue to strengthen Mol and he has to discover and strengthen Pitch. To the extent that we continue to be positive influences on each other in this process then I welcome it. If something grows out of it eventually it will need to be at the right time. But I do have to say, last night, my bud Andrew and I closed out the night after the rest had departed, when out of the blue he said that he thought Pitch and I would make a great couple. Bang. Stopped me in my tracks. I paused, inhaled and then grinned full at him and said "You noticed. I think so too." But he was of the shared opinion that Pitch needs to get his own house in order first and that a slow burn is the only approach that has a shot at working. Which is fine with me. There is no hurry. In the meantime, I get to wait and wonder...is there another "cool chick" speech somewhere in my future or something much more exciting? Only time will tell... ....a LOT of time I expect...Michael Who cares? Ah no, I do care but after barely hearing from him all week, and certainly nothing demonstrating the level of intensity he once exhibited, I've let his messages sit and didn't take his call while I was writing this post. I'll revisit my thoughts about him some other time. |
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zenobia Moderator
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mol. that was beautiful. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Zen - thank you - I should have known you would read and appreciate that lengthy ramble. Could stand some further editing but sometimes you gotta just get the thought down on paper before it wisks away in the wind. Solitude on a Monday Morning I am not at the office. Although last night I slept in the BED for the first time in numerous weeks (applauding myself-it was #%@&! comfortable too), I apparently did not go to bed early enough to make up for the night before. The alarm went off @ 5:40 - I reset it for another hours - went off again @ 7:40 and I still woke up exhausted. My leg muscles are aching badly and it seems a continuation of the bizarre collection of symptoms I've had over the past week or so. No answers, because Mol's body doesn't behave in accordance with the rules established for the rest of the universe. It has me a bit concerned however, that running is such a physical challenge. I accidentally left my work laptop at the office on Thursday night so I am really disconnected, my goal is to both rest and to continue to catch up on personal things today so that I can come back to the office full force tomorrow. I meet with Steve tomorrow too, I need to prep for that. Today's challenge weigh-in will be abysmal. I consumed so much over the weekend (including the following, beer, apple schnapps, tons of cheese, real tortilla chips, choc chip cookies, mini eclairs, Shepherd's pie, and pasta) and didn't get in my Super Sunday to even things about. Today is 'back to normal' eating, the good and the green. I am ready for a nap now. Eyes shutting... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Totals so far: 271IN, -12 Net. I slugged it out through a 3.1M 2.5J/0.6W. 39:29. I shudder to think how bad it would have been if I hadn't had pasta last night. I took a slow pace and even then, my muscles were heavy and locking up, I would run until both of my calf/ankles were so locked and so numb that I was verging on falling. Then I would walk a bit to rest them, then run a bit more. Lather rinse repeat. This isn't just a matter of gutting out some tired achey musclese. I definitely have something going here that is just not right. I still want to do toning, it seems like that is easier anyway. But how is it that I feel like I need a nap again? Goals for the rest of the day: Finish organizing photos (20 mins) Done Toning (30 mins) Done Txt (30 mins) Calories: 800IN 811 Done In bed, no later than 10PM. Last edited on 2 June 2009 01:15 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Totals: 811IN, 428 Net. Challenge weigh-in: 125. Could have been worse. It feels good to be back on track today, although I admit it was fun this weekend. Avoiding snacking tonight will be a challenge. There are all kinds of naughty and tempting things around this house, leftovers from the party. I either need to make plans to have more company, or give it to the neighbors, and get it the heck out of here. I am soooooo drowsy though. The effort seems monumental. I am actually having some coffee which I rarely do this time of night. Hmmmm. Let me check TTOTM status => today is day 22. Drowsiness could def be hormonal. Have to see what happens next few days. Figures though, I am trying to make plans and don't know when it is going to get here. I was cleaning up old files on the 'puter and found some archived stuff from a guy I used to chat with all the time online, from England, oh, around 2000-2001 time frame. He's 13.5 years younger than me (erm yep that would be another 26-year-old, what the heck is it?) Anyway I found him on the networking site tonight and he's just PM'd me so I am going to go catch up! |
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jackbenimble New Member
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MM, Amazing how you're reconnecting with your high school classmates. I wouldn't do that in a million years! But it seems like a good avenue for you and way better than all the club stuff and L's jerky buddies. You move fast when you move! It was just about a year ago I first joined this site. You were about 150 lbs at the time, and have been steady on 125 or so for months. What a difference a year makes :) Last edited on 2 June 2009 02:57 am by jackbenimble |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Jack, I love ya bud. Thanks. :) I Am Trying to Focus and the Boys Are Distracting Me The past hour has been fun and interesting and definitely not in the plan. So I am gonna write this quickly and get back on the plan. Chatted w/UK friend Spike for about an hour. Awesome catching up. He was a bit of a late bloomer, and so is just now finishing a photography degree. He's another one who is at a pivotal transition time and I really want to see him flourish. He's doing some good work and building up his network. We always got on very well, and used to talk about him coming here for a visit, and it seems that now, the only obstacle is money. That would be way fun and interesting, for sure. We spent many a night chatting into the wee hours of the morning for about two years, circa 2000-2001. In fact, he once asked me to marry him...to obtain U.S. citizenship, of course. While I was chatting with Spike, DJ M popped in and said hello, I told him I was trying to get Spike over for a visit to come to #3, which was met with hearty approval and jokes about tea and crumpets, and bangers and mash. So then my text goes off and thinking its Michael hailing me because I hadn't called him, I see it is not him at all. Its delicious-to-look-at-26-year-old-Chris. Asking me what I am up to and then asking me to join him for dinner. Seriously. At 8:45 at night on a Monday night? Given that we've only once interacted outside of the club setting, which is the night I got the 'cool chick' speech, I was surprised. He's an interesting guy, and one who doesn't open up easily, a self-described "ghost" who likes to stay invisible, yet for some reason, has chosen to let me a little ways into his hidden world. So, we agreed "another time". And so...I did finally phone Michael and it rang through to vmail, which is fine as I am no closer to picking a day to get together. Tomorrow back in the office I'll get it figured out. Toooo tooo many things going on including another industrial night Saturday, at a different club, I've been looking forward to for weeks. So - I'd really better meet my goal of getting to bed by 10!!!!! I will do it!!!! And haven't snacked, glory hallelujah amen! |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol wrote:
Mol, my guess would be that you are coming down off of a carb high! Sounds like me after eating too many empty processed carb foods. I'm glad I'm not the one with the party leftovers around the house. I'm just trying to resist some homemade rhubarb dessert bars that I was silly enough to make over the weekend, when I can eat more! So far, I've done well.......eating only veggies and fruits and a ff yogurt today. Now if I can just make it to bed without eating more calories. I'm just over 500 for my DD.........and tomorrow I can eat...........I can practice control for one day at a time! Besides.......tomorrow is lunch at my fav Mexican restaurant No, I will be good! I love their veggie burrito and only ever eat 1/2 the entree..........the rest will be my dinner! Be strong Mol! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I didn't snack! Hurrah!! Pat thanks for the extra push over the hump, I did see that late last night and the extra voice going off surely helped the cause. On track with a normal brekkie today, dev coach Steve coming in at lunchtime so we can have the sushi special together. Nummers. I have to look up cals for that though since I don't have much of a clue. Saw nekkid weight of 122 on the scale this AM. So I am certainly not over 125 which I am happy with. Have one of my new suits on this AM and already got a compliment. I love being a size 4, things fit me so much better right off the rack. Michael called right before bedtime, wasn't much of a conversation, he's looking for work, and business to attend on the home front. I need to figure out my stupid schedule, its packed, this needs to be a priority this morning so I can land some of these planes. I am sooooo happy about hooking up with Spike. I looked up airfare for June/July though and it is nearly $800 so I am afraid his visit will be on hold indefinitely. Bummer. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Yeah Mol! I stayed at my DD calories too............nothing after I posted last night! 2 NSV's............one for you and one for me! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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That's awesome Pat! Nice double victory for us. I'm at 624IN/344Net so far today, having only had a salad for dinner and having gotten in a run today, 3.1M 2.6J/0.5W (Approx) 36:20. I was able to run in my beloved woods today. My legs were in a lot better shape today, and didn't lock up, I was really happy even though I still walked at several points, I was still able to get back up and running again after a minute or so walking. Perhaps I had a virus? Once again, I remind myself that I need to drink more water while at work, to stay hydrated for running after. On the way back to the car, I passed the bridge and thought of the the very first time L and I went to those woods and walked the dogs from the car to the bridge, at that time I was pleased that we had taken what I thought was a decent walk. It's about 0.3 mile each way. Heh. How far I've come. Steve was nibbling around trying to help me to figure out why I am sabotaging myself at work. Why I am just not progressing the global projects. One of the things I cited was my memory/concentration problems which I feel add to my insecurity and inability to perform, and that I also have a lot personal issues going on. I talked to Dr. K about it and couple of key things out of today: 1. Back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and the fact that I am prioritizing the more fundamental needs right now; things at work in particular are not a priority and I am simply not paying attention to things that are not meaningful; she believes that I do not have a memory issue at all. Not sure I agree since I have memory issues in many aspects of my life, but something to chew on. 2. I have done all this journaling and exploration and I still don't have answers. It seems that I still don't know myself thoroughly enough to reach conclusions, establishe new goals and move on - I am still churning, somewhat directionless. She says this is because I don't ask myself the really difficult questions, that I only go so deep and don't seriously look at myself. For example, if I had to make a choice, would I go along with the crowd and compromise my principles to fit in, or would I take an unpopular viewpoint because I believed in what was right? I believe I tend toward the latter, but my answer to that question would probably be 'it depends'. It depends on the situation, who was involved, what is at stake, decisions are hardly usually black and white. "It depends" is probably my modus operandi, and then I micro-analyze each situation instead of having a life governed by certain fundamental principles. I need to look deeper to see if I can uncover patterns and principles and tendencies to better know myself, even if each situation does need to be assessed individually. 3. I remarked that one of the things I really like about Michael is that he has such a deep knowledge of himself, such fully developed principles, is so consistent in his opinions, its really refreshing, you always know where is coming from and he always speaks what is on his mind without mincing words, tap-dancing around the issue, or worrying about what other people think or how they feel. Now granted, socially, this attracts and repels different people and it doesn't bother him one bit. Me, on the other hand, I am always so worried about what other people think, that I often forget to care how I think and how I feel, I always wrap it up and lose it in worrying about what other people think. I have to learn to isolate the "Mol" from the "audience" and ensure that my opinions are informed but ultimately developed from the inside->out. And that what comes out of my mouth is really what I am thinking, and not colored by what the other person wants to hear. I followed my intuition and wrote an email to Pitch better articuling why I gave him the hard copy journal, and how travelling or at least changing setting tends the 'loosen one's brain', and that it is a process to figure out what you want to do next, but you will rediscover a lot of really great things about yourself along the way. I figured either he would 'get it' and 'get me' and my voice of experience, or think I was a nutjob or a psycho. Well - he gets it. I got a note from him from Munich saying "you're right on too many fronts". Michael - simply put, I am not getting what I need. We are on for Thursday but his attention and priority are elsewhere right now. I don't mind 2 weeks between seeing each other if the communication is good in between, but its been pretty sparse since the wake. A little sad, because he has been plugging a certain void, but I guess I need to be a big girl and know that if things don't turn around there will be someone else...eventually...to snuggle and have mumblymoo with. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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Glad the diet and exercise are going well Mol. Good for you for knowing that even if things are hard with Michael right now and he may not be the one, you will find somebody else. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thank you Once. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's just not every day you find one who always makes your knees give out.....sigh.... My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult - Sex on Wheelz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdLyoCgDKFs&feature=PlayList&p=C0ABD3E340579966&index=0&playnext=1 Anyway I just came back by to say *123*, and after two lo-cal+exercise days, my tummy feels so nice and flat. Bedtime now...no snacking!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Holy crud, did I snack. I was so close to going to bed on time, and without snacking too...its that drowsy state again where I lose focus. Of course the 'excuse' of two low net days in a row was all I needed to keep right on going. Let's see. Pasta+sauce, 1/2 hamburger, peanut butter sandwich+triscuits, mini-eclair. 1300? Well, that's 1650 Net for the day, what can I say really, thank goodness for that run earlier. So, now I am being my insomnic self, having slept for 3.5 hours or so before waking up, and I can squarely blame my eating habits. My constant companion "Stupid Bird" is singing away outside the window. Not good for balance or productivity tomorrow. I am looking forward to my scheduled activities in the days ahead, and have 'just said no' to a couple of invitations on the weekend, namely yet another h.s./hometown meetup and a B-Day party for EF's son, I have no desire to spend yet another full weekend out in the hometown area. Thursday eve is Michael and, if that doesn't happen, my backup plan is to hang out w/Chris @ #3 which is always entertaining on Thursdays. Friday night likely I will spend some quiet time around the house, getting organized and perhaps having a couple of people over to drink some more of this leftover beer. I've made seeing my Dad+his gf a priority on Saturday and am taking the train out so as to give myself a break from driving 50 miles each way. If it is nice out we are taking a boat ride and if not we are going to the movies. Sat night is an industrial event night and Sunday, I intend to sleep in then have a Super Sunday in the woods. It does show where my priorities are at. I mean this is Weds AM. There are 3 workdays left. I missed work Monday due to my aches and malaise. I've got serious stuff to do and need to be productive, yet I am sitting here writing away on CPH and checking the networking site. Speaking of which... Nice to see Pitch just commented on my networking site page...from Munich. Its amazing how connected we all are. I am thinking of how my friend S was on safari and was using her crackberry to provide updates, anecdotes, and to stay connected. We have conveniences a former generation could not have imagined, and this is part of what makes me think there isn't much downside to taking an overseas assignment. OK this is even more random than usual and I am just filling up time. I am going to try to catch a 2-hour nap or its going to be a really really long day. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Oh, how I set myself up for a challenging food day today. First, I only got about an hour additional sleep, couldn't get up, kept hitting the snooze, and finally got out of bed an hour and a half late. Late to the office. Hungry for brekkie, had to avoid the scones. Then an hour later, really wanted to rummage for chocolate. At lunch, more urge to be naughty, contained to a southwestern chicken salad with 1/2 the dressing but did include the moderate amount of tortilla chips and cheese it comes with. After lunch - more chocolate cravings. OK this could be pre-TTOTM effects, this is day 24 I think, but I am sure it would not be nearly this difficult if I'd have avoided the binge last night. Pitch mentioned Saturday that he gets a kick out of the occasional photo shots I text to him as something interesting in life comes along. This morning, I saw that my avacado was labelled the same oddball name as his cat. So I took a photo and sent it along to him in Munich and a while later received an enthusiastic reply. Fun. : ) Cats and avacado jokes spanning the globe. There must be another joke in there somewhere. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A Day of Small Victories In spite of all the chocolate urges, stemming from overconsuming, lack sleep, and PMS, I managed to have a successful day! Got out of the office later than usual but plenty of daylight left and such a lovely sunny, crisp early evening run I had in my beloved woods! Mmmmmmmm. 3.1m 2.85J/0.25W in 32:13. Came home, unloaded the dishwasher while talking to S, then went and did my toning. This put me in line to eat dinner around 8:45 which is later than my 8PM cutoff, but the nice thing was, I am not so very hungry immediately after a workout, AND I will be less likely to snack I think. Totals for the day: 1363IN/988 Net. I gotta say, even with my loose rolly skin I am amazed at how much the toning is really improving my physique. I am quite sure I have a baby six-pack, you just cannot tell because of the skin. Now that I am running consistently again also, into my second year of being a runner, I am continuing to build and shape muscles and I like the results in my thighs. I am still going to need cosmetic surgery at some point to tighten things up, there's no way realistically that I can accomplish that via toning alone. My breasts and abdomen are frightening, and my butt sags. *123.5* after dinner. I wonder how much of this weight is excess skin? Disgusting I know, all this talk about skin tonight but it is becoming a real source of insecurity. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, I've worked hard and I want to really feel and look attractive. Goals for the rest of the evening: Not much, Go thru the mail, pick up a little for the maid, get to bed by 10:20, sleep IN the bed. I will more surprised if I do hear from Michael tomorrow than if I don't. My contingency plan is #3 with Chris; I haven't actually asked him yet of course, but I will have to get out of this house regardless. If Chris is not available, I commit to go somewhere and start writing the story concept I've been developing since my trip to AZ. It is time to stop thinking about it and just start getting it down. It's rather an exciting prospect. Ladytron Seventeen just came on the radio. Good place to stop, I rather think. "They take a polaroid and let you go..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncl7New1czM |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Oh, meant to note: temp 1st thing this AM 96.4. After toning/before dinner 95.4. Before bed 97.0. Lower back pain too...spells TTOTM; gonna figure out this bod if it kills me. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well, I got to bed almost an hour late last night, however 1. Didn't snack. 2. Slept in the bed. 3. Temp back almost normal (98.2). 4. Woke up fairly refreshed and sharp, on my game. ANDDDDDDDDD.... I came in to an email which will require me to go to London on business the first week of December which means I can go hang out with Spike as well as some other people. Iceland may get put on hold now so I can use my vacation days for the U.K. Sweeeeeettt!!! It is a good day in Mollyland. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Sounds like more NSV's Mol! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Return of RMM 1404IN/1404Net. Now I am tired. I actually watched my emotional Rocketship launch in action tonight, like a third party observer, like that gal in My Stroke of Insight who was observing with fascination her faculties evaporating, all the time being powerless to stop it from happening. I am still in orbit, but trying to come down. The trigger was hearing finally from Michael @ 5PM, texting that he didn't want to go out tonight, that he is stressed out, no apology, no tenderness. And of course I took it that he just didn't want to see me, but when we spoke on the phone later, I could actually hear in his voice, it's completely true. He's panic-striken over not having found work yet and was online looking at dissolving his 401K because he only has enough cash in the bank for about 2 months' worth of assessments etc. on his condo. He's got a lot of pride and doesn't want anybody to give him anything, he simply wants to work. Period. So I mellowed out some especially once he was more himself on the phone, but the Rocketship didn't go away, the buzz is still there. It put me into a different state of mind now, not thinking clearly, and being unproductive, its been over 2 hours. It will probably be about 4 hours before I come down, I've only really tracked the cycle duration once before. Sooo...I must calm down before going out later so I don't end up medicating my emotions with alcohol. Chris was enthusiastic about meeting up but I don't want to be out late and I don't want to drink too much because I have an 8:30AM conference call. Perhaps I will take a Xanax and see if that calms me down. OK so here's the RMM (Rocketship Management Mode) plan: 1. Take a Xanax 2. Go ahead and get dressed. 3. Drink lots of water. 4. Finish up the TM analysis for the 8:30 conf call. 5. Leave early, 9PM. 6. Be home by 1:30AM I totally want to have a productive day tomorrow and enjoy working from home! And get in a nice run! I won't let a Rocketship ride ruin a well planned, happy, and productive weekend ahead. Right on. XOXOXOXOX |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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OK, Mol, I want to ask this, but I'm not quite sure how to ask it..............so here goes...... Why do you let people (Michael at the current time) send you off on this emotional "Rocketship"? As far as I can tell..........you've got a date with Chris already lined up for tonight..........you're networking with Pitch in Munich..........and Michael just seems to me, to be not very kind, considerate or committed to any relationship. So, why is he enough to warrant taking a Xanax to calm down? You have to pop a pill over him and his behavior? And by the way, if you are really that upset...........I'd add a 5-B to that list..........."Don't drink any alcohol" I hope you don't mind my asking, and you don't have to answer me, but maybe if you think about it, you might answer some questions for yourself. I know we are very different in our viewpoints, but I truly don't understand it! I can see letting my husband of 34 years have that affect on me............or one of the children I gave life to.......but some guy that I couldn't even legitimately call an important part of my life, and not for a very long time span..........I just can't see it. I think you need to find an anchor and purpose in your life. You know what mine is. Hope tonight goes well for you, Mol............you need to find a way to ground that "rocketship", so it doesn't take off ever again! Don't let people or things have that kind of control over you! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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AMEN to what she just said! And I will take a slice of that sword to my own self. Thanks Pat! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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EPIC Failure. Alcohol is the root of all evil. I swear. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. Why is it that I just have no self control. Why? WHY? I opened a bottle of wine and had a glass and a half before I left. Chris was late getting to #3 and I already had 3 more drinks while waiting for him. to get there The Rocketship just kept taking off and I probably had 4 more after that the rest of the night. I was drunk. We went from #3 to #2. Michael found out that his unemployment was approved and was in a better mood and decided to come out to #2 around 1:30ish. I was smashed the entire time. I got emotional and stupid at the end of the night. Certainly not how I want to be around him, or Chris or to be honest, around anyone. According to my texts I got home around 4:30. I vaguely remember the cab ride home, and nothing afterward. Apparently I ate a lot when I got home, but I don't know exactly what. From what remains on the counter, bread, ham, salsa, cream cheese, cheese, and half a leftover hamburger, with ketchup. Then, I overslept my conference call this morning because I passed out on the couch. The conference call with the VP, the rather important call, talk about sabotaging myself. I am supposed to be dedicating the rest of this morning to a global project and I'd better go make a pot of coffee and try to get back on track. EPIC failure. Weak. Ugly. Tired. Ugly. Stuffed. Ugly. Bloated. Ugly. Lazy. Ugly. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hisgal wrote: Why do you let people (Michael at the current time) send you off on this emotional "Rocketship"? I don't know. Hisgal wrote: I know we are very different in our viewpoints, but I truly don't understand it! I don't understand it either. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Getting On With It I've got it back together, more or less, it seems. Sadly I didn't get enough job-related work done today to ease my stress level. Matter of fact, ithe work keeps piling on, its overwhelming and although I was supposed to work on global today, the demands of the day to day right here in the good 'ol US market are plenty enough to keep me good and buried. Not a lot of fun. I went for a run around 1:30 and it wasn't the easiest, but did better than expected. I saw the UPS truck while I was jogging and hailed the driver to find out how much time until he made it to my house, I was assured that I had a good 30 minutes and so was able to finish up my 3.1M 2.8J/0.3W 34:35 I didn't want to miss delivery of my NEW BOOTS!  Simply stated, "they rock". Heh. Anyway, after that I completed a webinar for work and then spoke with S, who is really bumming today after learning her injury is expected to have her laid up for an extended period, she cannot work, she is not suposed to be on her foot at all. Then I got on my bike and rode down to the lake [that would be Lake Michigan], weather was picture perfect and the lake was stunningly blue. I hung out for a bit and texted the usual guys (yeah, I pretty much broke the no-texting rule), Chris is not responding at all today which is disturbing so I am going to have to get to the bottom of that. Pitch had sent me a txt saying he was back from Munich and so I went back and forth a couple of times with him. I took the lakefront path up North a ways and back, then my phone rang and it was Andrew, he was also out bike riding so we met up and had a quick dinner at Big Chicks, and took some photos which we figured out how to upload to the networking site. I love biking gear, it makes me look more athletic than I actually am. My bike computer went on the fritz so I got a new battery @ CVS and that didn't fix it, so I don't have hard biking stats, but about 15 miles. It wasn't bad at all, not much wind, not like the last time. Was fairly sore when I got home and had a nice soak in the tub and started reading Einstein's Dreams. Didn't get too far but seems like it will be a good read once I get into the rhythm of it. The writer has an odd sense of pace, too many stunted short sentences and descriptive prose which seems forced. I'm exhausted, but in a good way, the exercise, fresh air, sun and relaxation helped me to rebalance. I was going to start working on the global project for a few hours tonight, but its 10:45 already, who am I kidding? I am still extremely disappointed in myself, but sitting here kicking myself to the curb won't accomplish anything. Trying to get rebalanced and striving to be a better person, now that MIGHT accomplish something. There is no way I am going out tonight. I am happy in the prospect of spending quality time with my Dad and his gf tomorrow, and also taking the train so that I don't have to drive. Hmmmm I should check the weather in the morning because if it is nice, I could actually bring my bike on the train and then go biking with my Dad. I don't know about cals. I mean 1000 cals in drinks at least plus the apres club grazefest was probably another 800 or so. Today, a salad+v8 @ lunch time (120), dinner was a homemade black bean burger complete with bun, mayo, and potato chips (700?). So if I count that as 2620IN for today, and bake in all that exercise, I am probably closer to 2100Net. I am simply too lazy to put it in the calculator, estimates are good enough. Scale weight back up to 125. And so, an end to this day. I think I am going to sleep now. |
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zenobia Moderator
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those booots remind me so much of my boots. i  them! |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I will always admire you for being able to walk in those boots. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Beth wrote: I will always admire you for being able to walk in those boots. Heh, its going to take a bit of practice, but I've never been so tall in my life. :) Ah, Beth, I always think of you when I wake up early on a weekend morning, with my coffee, the birds outside, the sunlight in the yard, and C-Dog snoozing in a patch of sunlight. When I am at peace. How nice that I have that association with you my strong wise friend. :) Just taking a few minutes here since I do need to do some real honest-to-goodness work for a few hours to make up for Friday, then off to Dad's. I slept like a rock last night, turned off the computer after that post and woke up at 7:30 this morning. Funny thing, I had my phone right here and woke up and thought to myself, I cannot recall the last time a weekend night went by and I didn't get a text from anybody. It felt strange. Then I actually picked up the phone and saw that Chris had texted @ 2:30, apparently he lost his phone for a bit so everything's fine. He'll be @ industrial night later, which I am having second thoughts about just because I need to be productive, rested, and on track, but I've had this event on my calendar for 6 weeks and it would be a shame to not go for a while. If I don't drink at it (thank you Pat dahling) I am sure I will be ready to come home relatively early. I am not going to #2 after, no no NO! Sooo sore from yesterday's ride, I get it in the neck and shoulders, just from not being used to the position, plus the patchwork-repaired pavement in the city can be jarring in places where it is in bad shape. My legs ache a bit too. I guess I won't be getting in a workout today, but if I magically get my work done, I will squeeze in toning which I haven't done in a couple of days, before I leave to catch the train. Gotta get this day started, I am so glad to be back on track again. How different my life would be, how much better I would feel about myself, if I could just stop medicating... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I'd like to think that I am just tired, residual effects from Thursday night, but the truth is, Michael says he is tired and doesn't want me stop over tonight and I cannot pretend that it doesn't matter. I am severely melancholy, riding alone on the train back from the suburbs, alone with my thoughts and with tears creeping into my eyes. OK so this is probably PMS too. I've texted with both Pitch and Chris and could have invited Chris over for company, but decided 'do nothing' was better. I am not really good company right now. I know I should just blow off event nite, stay in, and do some reading/writing and get a good nights' sleep so I can have a Super Sunday and do work tomorrow - but I won't. My head is buzzing again. I have to go get one of my little outfits on. I have to make a point of it that Michael can't get me down. What am I trying to prove? Seriously? OK my stop is coming up I gotta run... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Back at the house, getting my gear and makeup on. Feeling a wee bit better, not much but just trying to work on my frame of mind before going out. This really is largely PMS, it must be, I know Michael was the catalyst, but its a pretty severe low and the timing is such. Well, I will go out, have a good time, stay sane, perhaps I will make some new friends, and potentially get in a little dancing to burn off the DQ hot fudge sundae my Dad and gf finally tempted me into. Good news for me, I stayed away from the popcorn and picked a healthy entree @ the chinese restaurant, while they ate buttery popcorn and had fried crabmeat/cream cheese appetizers. I wasn't impressed with their eating habits at all, in fact, I've never seen them be so unhealthy. It actually saddened me to see all the crud they were eating. We saw the movie Hangover, and while there were a few very early instances of bad pacing and bad acting, pretty soon it took off on a solid and accelerating trajectory, crude at times, but downright hilarious. I enjoyed it a lot. Here's to pulling it back together and having some fun Mol time and then getting a good nights' sleep tonight. I know I can do it. Gnight all. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Industrial Strength Now, that was fun. I did a bit of writing, had a bit of red wine and was listening to Portishead when I got a text from Chris just after 11 - "you want me to swing by and scoop you up?" That sounded just perfect. That's what I needed, a "scoop up" by a friend. He meant a ride of course, but it fit the bill for me emotionally as well. He came in for a bit of wine and chat then we headed out to the industrial event at this smallish place. There was a nice-sized crowd. Ian was there, and Carlton along with his new gf, who, I rather approve of.I did meet a few people, nothing major though, and saw a regular from the old club, who I haven't seen in years, (not part of 'the' circle though). The music was awesome, I danced my legs off, I drank a ton of water, I was drenched in sweat. Was there for about 2.5 hours, don't know where the time went, cabbed it home. It was around 3, now it is nearly 4, again don't know where that time went either. My legs are telling me that there won't be a Super Sunday tomorrow, but I will def want to get in my toning. I need to buckle down and work on the global project. But first, I gotta have a snack - I am starving! Ugh, and even after all that dancing and sweating I am at 126.5. Bloat city. TTOTM. Go away please!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Circling Overland Saturday 2198IN/1963Net. Gawd, my legs ache, in the best possible sense. The weather conditions are good for a Super Sunday, but I can tell I need to rest my legs for now. Perhaps later on they will be up for a regular 3-miler. Today, 476IN so far. Avoiding the scale. Today is a pivotal day as far as I am concerned. Because the gauntlet was laid down by Steve and I've not been able to get myself focused on writing up this global project. Either I don't really want to do it (quite possible) or, I am so distracted by the other things in my life that it is not presetnly a good time for me to do it (also equally possible). The only thing that should matter right now is putting Mol back together like Humpty Dumpty. Instead these outside forces conspire to distract me and pull me in other directions and muddle up my priorities. I am really realizing this. I cannot do it all at once. I am not superwoman. And I am crashing and burning on every front trying to meet all these expectations for my job/career. Once again the air traffic controller with too many planes and not enough runways to land them on. Eventually, something is going to crash. And when it crashes, its a pretty major freaking event. So....what can I do to get some of these planes on the ground? Or if you know a crash is inevitable, how do you chooese and then manage to live with the consequences of your decision? Do you save the most lives? Do you make sure that a Head of State gets landed safely even if there are fewer people on his/her plane? Michael told me about samurai decision-making. Wow, decision-making. It should be simple, decisions must be made and you need to get on with it...somehow my modus operandi is always about 'preserving options' and resisting change instead of choosing a path and racing forward to see what is ahead. If only my mind's eye could see more clearly...Ugh. This overanalyzing mind of mine is really on a roll... Front 242 - Circling Overland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym5SyuxgQ-o |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well I guess I have my answer - sort of. I've spend the bulk of the day literally just catching up on many things, trying to land some planes, but smaller, necessary stuff and not the 777's. And all personal stuff, nothing for work - bills, insurance stuff, sorting thru a pile of miscellaneous junk. SB asked me to hockey and I declined, as I am at least making some progress. Still I do not relish the thought of going back to work tomorrow and not having made a dent, nor a prioritization, in everything bogging me down there. But its clear enough that my personal life is the priority and work/career just simply isn't. I made and ate pasta and turkey sausage for dinner along with a salad, and frankly ate what I wanted of it. I want my legs to feel better and feel the need to go for a run later, even if it is dark and not ideal for safety. I am full and bloated and know that my weigh-in tomorrow wont be good. My TTOTM is ticking me off, I have all the symptoms but it hasn't come and the last two cycles, the first skipped altogether and the second lasted about a day and a half. This is getting old, nothing is a constant in my life. Speaking of which - Pat - you had me thinking last night about anchors in life and I've really had two which were long term, . My mom, and L who came into my life when I was 24 and for 15 years. My mom died in 2002 and I ended up deciding finally to marry L later that year. So now without either of them, I have no anchor. Being atheist, I cannot turn to my 'faith' as so many others do. And I am in such flux over my career, friends, guys, interests, well....it would be nice to have an ephiphany and say "yep, that's the answer" but it hasn't come, and I don't really expect it to take that form, just be more of a process. But it sure is painful, both for me to live through, and for the people who care about me to witness. After a mostly okay day, I've again become melancholy about Michael. His attentions to me have gone from incredible intensity to marked indifference. I knew this was a temporary thing, and that I was using him to fill a void, but I do miss his attentions, the way he made me feel, strong and desirable and adventurous and...well frankly he's a pretty cool and interesting guy and artistic and knows a lot of intresting people too... ...I guess if I had other cool dudes lined up for my phone # I would still feel pretty awesome, but I don't, and so now I just feel stupid and boring and ugly again.... I miss that feeling, that thrill, that excitement...#%@&!. I can't believe the tears are welling...not over him exactly....but over the idea of him. Pretty fundamental need, I guess, to be with a someone you respect, who you find interesting, and attractive, and who makes you feel good about yourself. I knew this was coming though, hopefully it won't be too difficult for me to get over... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Ok, you know, The Smiths are one of those amazing bands, who manage thru the art of lyrics, vocal, and guitar, to capture incredible emotional depth, and at certain times, well, sometimes a song can say it so much better than words... The Smiths - I Know It's Over http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2e4V3Xh17w Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head And as I climb into an empty bed Oh well. Enough said. I know it's over - still I cling I don't know where else I can go Oh ... Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head See, the sea wants to take me The knife wants to slit me Do you think you can help me ? Sad veiled bride, please be happy Handsome groom, give her room Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly (Though she needs you More than she loves you) And I know it's over - still I cling I don't know where else I can go Over and over and over and over Over and over, la ... I know it's over And it never really began But in my heart it was so real And you even spoke to me, and said : "If you're so funny Then why are you on your own tonight ? And if you're so clever Then why are you on your own tonight ? If you're so very entertaining Then why are you on your own tonight ? If you're so very good-looking Why do you sleep alone tonight ? I know ... 'Cause tonight is just like any other night That's why you're on your own tonight With your triumphs and your charms While they're in each other's arms..." It's so easy to laugh It's so easy to hate It takes strength to be gentle and kind Over, over, over, over It's so easy to laugh It's so easy to hate It takes guts to be gentle and kind Over, over Love is Natural and Real But not for you, my love Not tonight, my love Love is Natural and Real But not for such as you and I, my love Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ... Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ... The Smiths - You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVmlpuaXLMc If you're wondering why All the love that you long for eludes you And people are rude and cruel to you I'll tell you why I'll tell you why I'll tell you why I'll tell you why You just haven't earned it yet, baby You just haven't earned it, son You just haven't earned it yet, baby You must suffer and cry for a longer time You just haven't earned it yet, baby And I'm telling you now ... If you're wondering why When all I wanted from life was to be Famous I have tried for so long, it's all gone wrong I'll tell you why I'll tell you why I'll tell you why I'll tell you why But you wouldn't believe me You just haven't earned it yet, baby You just haven't earned it, son You just haven't earned it yet, baby You must suffer and cry for a longer time You just haven't earned it yet, Baby And I'm telling you now ... I'll tell you why I'll tell you why Today I am remembering the time When they pulled me back And held me down And looked me in the eyes and said You just haven't earned it yet, baby You just haven't earned it, my son You just haven't earned it yet, baby You must stay on your own for slightly longer You just haven't earned it yet baby And I'm telling you now ... You just haven't earned it yet, baby Oh ... You just haven't earned it yet, baby Oh ... Oh |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol wrote:
Yeah Mol, I know! Knowing I believe, and what an anchor that is to me....... and knowing that you don't, and hearing/seeing the turmoil you are going through......and knowing that God loves you so much, and wants you to know Him and wants to take away your pain and insecurities...............well, Mol, it often makes me feel like my heart's being shredded when I see your pain, and I cry for you, and I wish I could be there to tell you about the joy and love in my heart, and how easily you could have that too! I wish I could help, Mol  |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey woman! Just catching up with you and had a random thought (like all my thoughts are logical and not random right?.)...when you mentioned your period, it crossed my mind that you have a lot of symptoms of being perimenopausal - difficulty sleeping, fuzzy thinking and inability to focus, short term memory problems, anxiety, mood swings, etc. - basically what happens when your hormones start going wonky.... a lot of women don't think about the "peri" part, just think "I'm way too young for menopause" and don't even have it checked so I thought I'd throw it out there as something you might consider having your gyno check for ya. Have a great week!!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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At 8:50, I decided I'd better motor if I was going to get a run in. Belly still uncomfortably fullll because I also ate a couple of mini-english-muffin-ham-and-cheese-wiches after dinner tonight, (really just going with the flow on the whole eating thing today, can't fight hormones). And man, its amazing how much easier it is to run, how much more energy my legs have, when I've had a nice pasta dinner and plenty to eat. Finished the first 3.1M 2.85J/0.25W in 33:39 and just decided to keep on going until I was tired. So I grabbed some water and kept on walking but the storm hit and I had to end it at an additional 0.75M 13:05. If the storm cell blows over soon I am going back out. It's the best thing I can do with myself right now, with the possible exception of a good cry-out to just get it out of my system. Well ha ha it was just a storm cell did blow over and I popped back out of here like a rabbit to do another 2.0M in about 26:00. I was actually in mind and mood to keep going another 4.15 miles to finish the Super Sunday 10-miler, when I hit uneven sidewalk (thank you kind neighbor) and rolled my right ankle. The ankle is OK, but the knee hurts a bit and so does my back. There is certainly more of a risk running at night when the trees are full of leaves and block light from the streetlamps from reaching the sidewalk, I usually watch the footing pretty close but admittedly at that precise moment my mind was elsewhere. We'll see how I am in the morning. As usual, getting in a workout was a bit of a mood enhancer, I am sure completing the 10 miles would have felt nice. As it is, 5.8M and 1:09:44 is decent and although it doesn't erase the vast amounts of food I've consumed this weekend, I sure feel a lot better than if I'd sat around on my rear doing nothing. I haven't yet figured out what to tell Steve in the morning. I guess I'd better think about that while I am in the shower. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Pat, thanks dear, I appreciate your support, even though my beliefs are so very different. Suenos, I was just recently at the gyne and she knows about a lot of these symptoms, what 'testing' are they supposed to actually do? I've thought for years much of my challenges were hormonally related and no one seems to think it possible or worthwhile to actually monitor the hormones in your system on a daily or weekly basis...perhaps it is cost prohibitive to do things like that. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Overpass One last experiential entry. It concerns the nearby highway overpass, with its many lanes and ramps of inbound and outbound traffic, along with the curving el tracks on their way out to the airport...the one I wrote about before, with the travelers hurrying on to their destinations while I was trapped, careworn, exhausted, burdened...just over a year ago that was...when L was incapacitated after the surgery. Last night walking back from the train, at night in the dark, with my melancholy thoughts, I paused in that same spot again. I felt the passage of time, and the frustration and emptiness I have now, I felt angry, angry that a year has passed and how much change and unheaval I have gone through to try to save my own life, and yet there I still was a year later, still standing in that same spot on that bridge, while everyone else hurried on to their destinations. Still stuck in life. I moved onward without lingering long, that short moment spoke a simple truth. And then tonight, when I went back out for the second time, I headed over that way, off the usual track for my neighborhood runs, but not really thinking about it, just gravitating toward the well-lit area. I went over the overpass and into the view of the El, and was gripped by an impulse to just go get on the train and ride, ride ride ride all night until I was tired of riding and had figured things about. Perhaps I should have just done so. In any event, I passed by, made it to the other side, then started crossing back. And suddenly I found myself there again, that same spot along the fence, that same view, head and taillights streaming white and red respectively, an endless, hypnotic stream of light in motion, set against a backdrop of train tracks gracefully curving toward the left out to the airport. Traffic was thinner on a Sunday night, fewer travellers for me to be resentful of, and yet suddenly I wanted to break something. I had a strong desire to hurl my water bottle or my very body against that fence...smashing, lashing out in anger and frustration at my own impotence in life, my own inability to reach conclusions, make decisions, move onward, and become part of the streaming bustle. Metaphorically, those many thousands of people are all moving on to somewhere and I am fragilely clinging to a little cocoon of an existence, because I cannot figure out whether I want to be coming or going or what my next destination should be. I've said before, I have this terrible fear of failing to realize my potential in this life; I have to belive that all this upheaval, pain, doubt, fear, anxiety, and change, will eventually be worthwhile, and necessary to what I need yet to accomplish - believing anything else would, frankly, be pretty devastating. But I sure wish some things would become clearer and I could get a sense of forward motion going... |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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mol, just wanted to stop in and tell you I completely understand the inadaquacy, insecurity, and frustration you are feeling! I believe it is called "the fatal flaw of mankind". And ya know what? All those cars passing, seeming going somewhere, go through the same exact things you are. They might deal with it differently but the flaw of fallen human beings is ever before them. Where is the hope to change? Keep searching. Go cry out like you said. I'm sure in your desperation you will get an answer. I did. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Speaking as one of those peri-menopausal women Suenos was talking about, it's the pits! I can't imagine menopause itself being worse than this! I could wonder why I didn't think to mention that Mol, but that answer is obvious..........my thinking gets fuzzed, and then I can't remember! Have you ever journaled.........or gone back through your diary, to see if these "rocketship" episodes coincide with TTOM? Or any of the other major troubles in your life? Or those introspective moments? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Rational-Emotional Currents I should probably go more closely over the history but there are so many possible factors including TTOTM and other factors that I am not sure it is clear. It's almost a chicken and egg - does TTOTM/hormones make me more susceptible, or do they just get the blame when my emotions take off? That's why I was wondering if there is something more fact-based, like blood tests for hormone levels or something, that can be used in connection with a journal. In any event, I stayed home from the office today, I used my strained ankle as an excuse to work from home. In reality, I didn't fall asleep last night until after 2 and the alarm went off @ 6; and I though I reset it, but it never went off again and I woke up at 8. So at least I got sleep. I am getting some work done, or I should say that I was - until I started thinking about Michael again and just wishing for some form of communciation, some form of closure, something...and just thinking about it my brain started buzzing again, my face is fuzzy, my focus is gone, it's simply just emotions running amok. I know I never learned to manage my emotions. And, #1 on the list of emotions for me = guys. The last thing I need to do is to talk with Michael while I am in this state yet I want to more than ever...what do I really think I will happen though, will I really walk from the next conversation feeling less rejection, or more? I suppose I am doing better than if I had allowed myself to get emotionally involved, right? (LOL - that is a joke at my own self). Still, at least I knew what this was all along, and that is something i did right. Alright, I need to get into RMM, and manage much better than I did on Thursday. Indeed, I am already feeling a wee bit better after getting this down. End of post, onward, time to get some work done. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I ordered out lunch because I have no food in the house and didn't feel up to grocery shopping; in fact I ordered online and having Peapod delivery tomorrow eve. The food got here, and between something that happened at work and Michael, I just flipping pigged out and ate as much as I could of broasted chicken - including skin - and southwestern salad including the bacon strips. It's not my style to purge and I am not entertaining it, but just want to stick a pillow over my head and crawl into a fetal position and turn off all the noise and stress I am feeling. I should seriously reconsider taking a leave of absence from my job. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Crescendo I just spoke with Steve via phone, he phoned in response to an email I sent him. The same old tap-dancing around, there's other "stuff" going on, personal stuff, just "life", because of course he is getting paid by my employer after all. Can't exactly tell him the nature of my issues (the drinking, the self-esteem, the guy-craziness, the body image and little black dresses) or that I feel like I am teetering on the verge of the abyss. I've told him I know I don't want to keep doing what I am doing today for a job/career (example: the renegade situation I've spent 2 hours dealing with today and still not done, clock ticking), but also that I do not know if my failure to focus on global is because I don't really want it (i.e. I am running away from my current job and not running towards a specific goal) or if its just because I am dealing with other things right now and its all just too much. I simply. dont. know. Of course he took the heat off me in terms of not getting this project done, he wants me to just do little bits to build momentum, but actually I've tried that before and it has not worked. It really does require immersion time and a well though out and presented proposal work product. I hung up the phone and cried and came here, still crying. I am really down in the dumps today. I am trying to also get ready for a staff meeting tomorrow and tie up some loose ends and do some planning before I show up there. I have to have it together, I cannot let the team down, they need and deserve leadership. I know that coming here and writing and spinning and spilling it all out on the page is not really a way forward. Its just a different form of medicating my emotions. Just as running and alcohol and eating are. They are all crutches. I know there are lots of other people out there like me. I am not so special as to think I am unique in my insecurities or frailties. I am so envious of people who are so confident, so together, so focused. I have so much in my life, but I am missing the essentials... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I went for a walk, in spite of the multiple crises erupting for work, staying here was killing me. [The knee and ankle do need a little recovery from last night]. I deliberately went back to the overpass in broad daylight, on the way there tears threatening to burst through my thin layer of composure in full public view. I swallowed hard and repeatedly shook my head to chase them back. Once there, I stood and watched the rush hour traffic below me. Which as you can guess, for the most part, wasn't rushing anywhere. Cars stopping and going, I could see down in thru the sunroofs and windshields. And guess what. Most of those people didn't look happy to me. Folks with their handsfree earpieces glued to their heads, on the phone trying to stay entertained, or take care of leftover work, or deal with the nanny issue or the car repairs, or the kids homework issues while time relentlessly marches on for them, also. Commuting is not a happy thing Motion = happy; lack of motion = frustration. Hmmmmmmmm.... I am not sure that it is a happy notion knowing that so many other people are unhappy either...its actually a pretty sad, bleak prospect and I am fairly certain that my path to happiness does not match those people's lives...I guess that is something. Anyway I finally filmed the images on my mobile phone camera and then took my stifled sobs and walked back past the house, and on toward the convenience store. Where, I finally laid on a secluded park bench and let the sobs start coming. Then, before I'd really gotten my cry out, EF called and we spent about 20 minutes talking. She and I frankly share a lot of the same insecurities and subconscious people-pleasing personalities and we had a good talk about it which brought me back out of the pit. I was really on about not hearing from Michael. I said to her "How can a guy affect so much how I feel about myself one day versus the next - I am not any more or less attractive, or smart or whatever than I was a week ago." She said "I don't know, but you said the exact same thing when - what's his name, the guy from the club - ("D" I prompted) - right "D" - you said the exact same thing when it ended with him too." From the mouths of friends. I know that is right, but having a good friend say it to me, rings loud. Ironically, 10 minutes later I did hear from Michael, via text, at first I felt better but it ended up being a short little exchange and nothing other than what he might send to a friend. He's still got no leads on a job and seems more than a little disheartened. Fine. I'll continue to just leave this huge open space because I think he just doesn't want to deal with me right now. If he doesn't want to be with me, then he doesn't, forcing him to talk about it won't change a thing. Steve buzzed back while I was on with EF but I couldn't click over, he certainly must have sensed today that something was seriously wrong, it sucks that I cannot really talk to him, in a way he understands me pretty well, and I think he reads between the lines pretty well also. So anyway here is the plan for the rest of the evening, trying to restore some balance so I can restart tomorrow bright and early and with a more even keel: 1. Do toning. 2. Get out of the house; go to Starbucks (decaf) 3. At Starbucks, work on the airplane list, so I can talk with Dr. B about this tomorrow. Figure out which of the airplanes are real, honest-to-goodness 4. Skip tonight's weigh in. I am officially postponing it until Thursday. 5. Quit posting on CPH. It's already 7:30. Duh. Dilbert. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A Better Hour For what it is worth, that hour @ Starbucks was great. It's nice when they brew up decaf for me, and pleasant that I get to hang out and talk while it brews. The whole ambiance of the place is warm and inviting, and it was not crowded, and quiet, which is the best. Then The The "This is the Day" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X43ZyUGOPyw comes on the sound system and I get lifted the rest of the way out of my funk. One of my all time favorite songs, and one that always makes me feel like I am moving onward toward good things in life. I got in some writing in the Book of Mol, mostly a rehash of some things that have come out here in the last couple of days. But the cool thing that happened was the result of my printer no working before I left the house. I spent 25 minutes and couldn't get my to-do list to print. So I went without it and just had my calendar and worked from memory and the important stuff rose to the top and things just started sorting themselves out and I got a ton of good, positive, things scheduled out with friends (not with GUYS with the possible exception of Pitch) like trips, and coffee meetups, and the Irish Festival and even a ballgame this Friday. It's like clarity started spewing out of my mind onto paper and I am shortly now going to finish transferring it to my official calendar on the computer. Not nearly done, but on the right path. So in short, I am feeling loads better again and thank goodness because this day was just emotionally horrid. Hormones? Again, who knows. Today was day 29. I've been around 24 recently. I think I may be skipping it again. |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey Mol! I wasn't going to log onto CPH tonight because I have a small stack of paperwork that I have to get done so I can fax it out by 9am - good times! But, for some reason you crossed my mind and I thought I'd check up on ya! I hate it for you that you're having such a hard time right now chica. 1) yea, there's a couple ways your doc can check your homone leels for an indication that you're peri, one is a simple saliva test. If you've never been tested before, you don't have a baseline to go by, but if you've got a good "work with ya" kinda gyno she/he can take a couple of tests over a period of time and put 2+2 together with your own records of changes in your cycle and any related pattern of sleep/cognitive difficulties...the thing is there are treatment options, both natural and pharma which can make a big difference - so, IMO, it's worth ruling it out as a factor if even a part of what you're going through has a 100% physical rather than emotional basis. 2) man, on the "happiness" thing. I know what you mean about not taking comfort in knowing that lots of other people are unhappy and/or have similar or worse problems. And I also know exactly what you mean when you say it sometimes looks like everybody "else" is busy humming along doing/having everything all together. Honestly though, it's just like weight loss. Comparing ourselves to people who are fitter/fatter ultimately makes zero difference in our own body. In the end it just comes down to how much/little we are willing to do the work on our bodies...like if you devour a whole bag of chip I'm not gonna gain a pound and if you go for a five mile run I'm not gonna lose an ounce. Only what I DO myself s gonna make a single bit of difference to MY BODY so why bother comparing? It might make me FEEL better/worse, but, at the end of the day, it's not really important. EXCEPT surrounding yourself with happy, positive people will help make you a happier more positive person and vice versa (ha - I can quote studies to prove it! seriously). It's like if you go running with someone of a lower fitness level/motivation and half way in they're all "I'm tired, this is hard, let's stop" you feel your own energy draining - but if you go running with someone who's a little fitter or just more psyched about running, even if you feel like quitting you'll usually end up stepping your own game up to meet theirs......and (of course 'cause there's ALWAYS an "and") I feel you on the job thing. Even though a lot has changed and I'm loving, my job TODAY, there was a whole year long, "kill me now" period when I hated going to bed at night because it meant I had to get up and go to work again in the morning. But I gotta tell ya Mol, right now I know A LOT of really smart, well educated, hard working people who have been laid off and are finding it darned near impossible to find new jobs at their old salaries - heck, or even new jobs at all. Florida is probably much worse than Chicago because so much of our economy is tied into the housing/construction industry - but still. As a friend I'd suggest you think long and hard and then think again about doing anything right now that would negatively effect your work. Boys, clothes, clubbing, etc are fun (and I'm a fan of all of 'em ) - but having a steady, dependable income and being considered a MVP in this economy trumps everything x 2.Okay, chica, off my soap box now on onto my pile of paperwork that is sitting there staring at me....if paper could talk it would be saying "any time now Mrs. Procrastinator, any 'ol time now".... ...luv ya babe and sending seriously positive vibes your way. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Man, Suenos.............you are a wise woman! Are you sure you aren' t really about 65 years old? You have got it together. I'm glad you brought up the "and", cause Mol, when I hear you talk about work I do think to myself, that I wish you appreciated more the fact that you have a job. I hope you do everything you can to keep it! Remember, out of the last 18 months.........my hubs has worked only 5 1/2 months! He wants a job so bad.........he goes to the companies every single week looking for work! At least we have my income, but he made more than me.........so even with unemployment, we are bringing home just over half of what we were living on! The only trip we can plan is to our daughter's where we can stay at their house, and eat at least 2 meals a day with them. When the hubs is laid off, it's a good time to take a vacation.............except for the money aspect..........lack of it being the problem!  Sometimes we forget to stop and count our blessings! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Holy #%@&! people. Consider yourselves warned before you read this... Approved Wow. That was fast. Just last night I applied for membership in the Church of the Emotional F*cktards and today, I was officially approved. I am a flipping card-carrying member. No joke. As in, today, Dr. B made a new pronouncement after listening to my recap of the last 5 days, how I went on the Rocketship again Thursday night over Michael, and sabotaged my work on Friday, how I was bumming on the train Saturday and then up and having a blast @ industrial night Saturday night, then back down in the pits over Michael on Sunday and Monday - only to come back out of it on a real roll last night - that, and the fact that I don't know what "normal" Mol feels like.... ...coupled with all the other stuff over the last months, dating back to the euphoria of Munich...the Rocketships, the buzzing face and dizzy head, the "ohm", the impulsive self-destructive behaviour, the medicating with alchohol, the creating my own excitement with the dresses and boots and clubbing and texting... Yes, today, Dr. B has informed me that she is diagnosing me bi-polar. DING-DING-DING-DING. I win the stupid effing prize now, oh boy. Hormones, the cause - oh no, just contributors. Emotions, the cause - oh they are real, but extreme. Repressing for 15 years coming out - nope, she's not buying that either. On the one hand, there's no way I want to even attempt to validate this. I know I am hormonal and I know I am emotional and I know I have been repressed and am making up for lost time. On the other hand, it makes a lot of sense to explain why I go on the Rocketships and cannot control my behavior. I am back in the same mode I was so many years ago, before complacency, acceptance, adult life, and the stability of L sucked me into the Great Sleep, the Great Depression, which consumed most of my adult life. I feel angry with Dr. B although I know she truly wouldn't be going there without a lot of careful thought. I can tell she's been leading up to this. But sure was a bomb she dropped. Next week I go for a consult with the meds Dr. who is going to be asked to give a confirming opinion, and then I will have to face a choice. Walk away from Dr. B who I have been with for 15 months now, or start taking meds which will change the essence of who I am. I need my creativity, I need my outlet, I need to feel alive. I cannot bear the thought of getting on some drug, some adult Ritalyn, which is supposed to make me not feel, not experience, so much. Excuse me, but F*ck This. Oh, and I've heard from Michael and from Pitch both this afternoon and am not responding, I could honestly give a flying hoot about either one of them. I went for a rage of a workout, best I could with tense ankles, 5.3m run/walk in 1:09 in my woods. If my legs would have let me, it would have been 10 miles easily. Now I am home waiting for Peapod, I had dinner (I was going to fast) and am having a glass of wine and trying to figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the evening. I cried a bit, but mostly am just feeling really agitated and angry right now. How can this really happen to someone at 40 years of age? And, its like this dirty little secret I'll have to hide from everyone. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Forced Aura of Calm I crashed from exhaustion for about 2 hours and now got back up for a bit. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I do need to get some tonight. I did a little bit of reading up on bipolar and while some aspects of me match the textbook definition, some things don't, like the frequency/duration of my mood swings. So...I am not going to rush into anything here in terms accepting the diagnosis or the meds. I need to keep an open mind though. My text went off a few minutes ago, I couldn't bring myself to not peek. Michael. I am so not dealing with him tonight. I am so not dealing with anyone or anything, and just eating too much. I am sure I have put 2 pounds back on over the past week. Not in control over the eating at all. So, starting right now, I start over and will simply break the pattern and have my normal brekkie-lunch-dinner tomorrow. I got a sweet message from a friend in Charlotte and folks there are conspiring to get me to come down for a visit. Perhaps I can get down there for a weekend. Right now I am squirreling my vacation days away and need to get serious about Iceland or it is not going to happen this year. And, I think it is important, to my journey of finding and fulfilling myself, to make this trip happen I find I don't mind the prospect of going to the UK alone since I know people there, but I am a little intimidated about doing Iceland on my own for something close to 2 weeks. Still, once I do some more digging and planning I'll be fine and perhaps I can find a singles tour or something. Matter of fact, think I will go to Amazon now and order pop up/laminated maps and a Frommer's or Fodor's, those are always great tools to move me forward. Great idea. Gonna go now so I can get back to sleep soon. I'd say 'to bed' but I'd be lying. There are clothes all over the bed which need to be hung up and I'm too lazy to do it now. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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InaccessibL I couldn't sleep so booted back up. Thought to check L's page on the networking site and see that's he's completely blocked me again. Funny, the past couple of weeks we've barely spoken, and when we did it was all business, very brief, he's cut me off again. Not that it matters as much as it used to, thankfully, but it makes me sad. I can finally say he's not my best friend any more. The emotional separation has taken place. We are both presumably going to be at the same graduation party on Saturday, so I will see how things go then, perhaps I can find out what is going through his mind. ETA: I figured out that L made the change very recently, since Sunday, because I remember each of us had commented on DJ M's post, and I went back and looked at it and now his comments are no longer visible to me. Perhaps he was @ #2 over the weekend and someone told him about me being there with Michael on Thursday; this would be the most likely scenario but guess I won't know til I talk with him. Also interestingly, my house phone rang @ 6:30 this AM, it was a personal trainer from the gym confirming L's appointment later in the day. Our home # was still on record at the gym for him. I gave her L's new #. But I find it interesting that suddenly now he has an appointment with a personal trainer. Maybe he's finally getting serious about getting in shape. Maybe he's #%@&! I am seeing someone. Maybe cutting the cord with me is going to make it easier for him to focus on the future and moving forward. If that is the case, then, good for him. Last edited on 10 June 2009 07:57 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I don't normally post before work on a weekday but two things I need to get down. I've for a while now been thinking about a new tattoo, about my two existing dragon tattoos, and saying to myself and others that I want something that integrates the other two, but not another dragon, because "I am just not that angry any more". Monday on the way to the overpass, for the first time it struck me - you know, I really am angry, I didn't realize I had all this anger in me. And then again yesterday, during and after Dr. B dropping the bomb, and since, I've felt true anger, in its raw form. I cannot recall the last time I felt just this angry, period. This morning letting the shower beat down on me, I looked over at the transparent curtain liner, and noticed the tiny little dots of water clinging to it. No pattern, none quite the same size or spacing, just a display of beautiful tiny little randomness. And I wondered to myself, is this the last time I am going to notice things like this? I who see wonder in snowflakes and taillights, who thrills when the windshield wipers move in time with the music, who hears a song as a soundtrack to so much in life? Dappled sunlight and bursting green trees upon bursting green grass upon muddy brown riverbank as if it were nearly a living, breathing, thing? The proposition seems to be, to give up that edge of vibrance, of feeling, of intensity. It would be like going red-green color blind or losing the high/low frequency of your hearing as you age. You still have most of your capacity, but you lose the edge that really allows you to be different, to experience and express yourself., to live to your full capacity as a human being... OK. I gotta get going to work... |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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Mol, I have been very busy and something poped in my head telling me to check up on you. WOW...I have not read everything and caught up. What I have read is all over the chart though. Here is a suggestion I gave a friend after she had her divorce many years ago. Transfer or find a new job in another city and get out of there and start your life over. It worked for her. You have too much baggage around there. AND GET OFF THE BOOZE. Not even a sip. Now that I have scolded you. I am having another cook out this week end. Come on down. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol wrote:
Mol, I did the same thing last night, after I read your post......lots more out there to read about, than I had time for, but I thought the same thing, after the little I read. But, one of the drugs mentioned (not the first choice) was Wellbutrin, which you already have a prescription for. Could that account for some of the differences? I think you are right to take this slow and easy. Don't jump into anything right away...think this through. There seem to be varying degrees of being bi-polar.....different severities. Take a deep breath! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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I've said many times that I could related to what you go through, rocketships and all. My momuse to call me Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde. Before she died when I was helping her a year a go she responded to me after I recounted an incedent with someone, "oh yeah you and your bipolar syndrome". I cracked up laughing because I thought yeah, just like society, they have to have a label to place on those who are a bit extreme in our emotions! But today when I was a little intense in communicating with one of the women about a situation and my son came into the kitcen being a bit outrageous, she turned to me and and said "your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear. Do what your heart is telling you not someone who is paid to level you out. You are who you are. You are who your creator( whether you believe He exists or not) made you to be. Maybe He is trying to reach somthing deeper in you. Have a nice day. |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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I've said many times that I could related to what you go through, rocketships and all. My momuse to call me Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde. Before she died when I was helping her a year a go she responded to me after I recounted an incedent with someone, "oh yeah you and your bipolar syndrome". I cracked up laughing because I thought yeah, just like society, they have to have a label to place on those who are a bit extreme in our emotions! But today when I was a little intense in communicating with one of the women about a situation and my son came into the kitcen being a bit outrageous, she turned to me and and said "your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear. Do what your heart is telling you not someone who is paid to level you out. You are who you are. You are who your creator( whether you believe He exists or not) made you to be. Maybe He is trying to reach somthing deeper in you. Have a nice day. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I appreciate everything everyone has posted, truly. Suenos, with all your work to do and still staying up late to offer up support - gee, Chica....thanks. I know what you and Pat are saying about keeping your job - but honestly, I was initially told that I had a pretty good lawsuit against my company for PTSD, the things I put up with went on for years...in any event, I am at the point where I've not been able to voluntarily leave; getting fired is probably just as good as any method of forcing me to move on to other things. I am not worried. I have a fairly extensive rainy day fund and would qualify for unemployment. I am more worried about just getting going down the "right" track. Suenos, about surrounding yourself with "happy people" - no doubt that is true. I actually had reached out today to a gal from work I like (the one who had the St. Patty's day party) who exudes positive energy about going to a ballgame Friday - she can't - but just messaging back and forth with her was infectious! I am always amazed, grateful, humbled, and inspired by the positive people in my life [present company included]. Why I have an affinity, then, for those who have a dark streak, is one of those mysteries of the heart I may never understand. Its funny there are so many possible explanations but there really is no 'scientific method' for process of elimination - mental, emotional, hormonal/cycles, sleep deprivation, sunlight deprivation, vitamin imbalance, toxicity, allergies, etc etc. I think it is a function of all these "specialists" in the medical community who treat a "part" of a person or a particular disease state - who is responsible for the holistic view? After all, I am a human being, I am more than just the sum of my parts. Doug - thanks for the whipping and I'm on the next plane. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow morning. Hanging out with normal people doing normal things like a bbq away from all my toxic influences is what the doctor ordered. Time for me to get away...this is dedicated to you my friend: Lenny Kravitz Fly Away 50lbs2lose wrote: "your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear. Thank you. I am not crazy, I am rational, creative, beautiful, inspiring, and "quirky". LOL Having had a little time to digest this, I am inclined to stand up and just say "no". Because the creative side of me is the side that needs, wants to come out and be explored right now. Yes, I need to manage better, but I don't buy that it is bipolar, I think most of my emotional swings are triggered by either guys, or circumstances at my job. I know bipolar means that my moods just go to extreme, Dr. B was at pains to explain that moods and emotions are not the same thing (whaaaa?) but I still don't get how in reality you can separate them. I refuse to be 'evened out' or numbed. I gotta buckle down and really develop, and master, an effective RMM (Rocketship Management Mode) methodology.All right, there are some other things I am going to write about today and I'll start a separate entry. Last edited on 11 June 2009 01:35 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK, I am going to keep this short, or try, that's challenging for me lately. 1. I am on my second (and last) glass of wine. 2. I did reasonably okay eating all day including a salad for dinner, and then pigged out once I started drinking the wine. 3. The trigger for this is - you guessed it - Michael. I guess I was holding out hope that he was just in a funk, but....anyway today I left it "the ball is in your court" and I will be surprised if I get anything further except the occasional friendly hello. Sucks but I have to have a little outward dignity too, even if inside I am soooo wanting him to come 'round. I still really do give these guys so much influence over my moods, its like I am addicted to...attraction I guess. That's probably a theme for a very interesting not-for-all-ages ramble some time. 4. After I got home, I learned that someone died today. J. I wrote about her one time in my old journal. She was in h.s. in the band with me and S and Andrew, we spent quite a bit of our daily lives together for those 4 years. She was only 39 and had 5 kids and a husband. She was diagnosed only last summer with ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and while they thought she might live up to 5 years, it moved very quickly and she was in the hospital 10 days ago, went home on Sunday or Monday to pass on. Weekend before last S spent the day with J and her family. S read our personal notes to J and then hung a graduation day picture of the four of us on the wall where J could see it; she was very happy to hear from us. I will think about that, always, even though we hadn't spoken in 20 years, how that little gesture meant a lot. I will never forget her, or her fun, happy disposition, either. 5. This is just a good song that is new to me, i heard on the radio tonight. Bell - Echinacea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4SuUCnmHfg |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Alright. I also forgot to mention that I am under the weather, swollen glands in my neck, white swollen tongue, sore throat, gums hurt, a little muck in my lungs, occasional trouble breathing, temp between 97.2 and 98.1 - eh - not trying to complain, rather, just get things down. I still haven't had TTOTM and the symptoms I think are starting to abate. Looks like I may have skipped again. Yippee-skippee (pun intended). More proof something is just messed up with this bod of mine.So I really came back here quite a while ago to try identify a couple of constructive things to do while on the Rocketship, with 1.5 glasses of wine and a goodly amount of rejection to stew in. I was thinking along the lines of oh, writing to friends I haven't talked to in a while (IK, SF, IR) to say 'thinking of you'. Updating my to-do list. Instead, what do I do in my agitation? The quick fix - pick up the phone and send out texts, Chris and Ian, just a 'How's your week" kind of thing. I guess I was seeking communication, a friendly 'voice' in a manner of speaking, more medication, lest I be alone with all-too-powerful thoughts. Then in the middle of the texts the phone rings, and its L. We had traded messages earlier today, I needed to see if he could help me track down the electrician who was here 2 years ago. Talking to him provided a much-needed a shot in the arm. He was in a mood to chat decently so we did for about 15 minutes, and so I asked him about being distant, and also about changing my visibility on the networking site. The being distant is that yeah, sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me. The networking site wasn't directed at me, it is because he has ***started getting earnest about his job search***!!! and wants to ensure no one except his 'friends' can see his stuff. Right on! Oh, I did order my Iceland books and map last night and had them sent 2-day so I'd have them to look at no later than Frida. I can see that this next four days will be void of any particular male attention/anticipation for the first time in months, and while it shouldn't matter, it just plain does. Even Pitch is going to be out of town. I am bloated from overeating and I didn't tone today and my tummy looks huge and I really don't feel good. Well anyway it is now 9:51 and I'd say for about the last 20 minutes the buzzing and lightheaded has gone down and I am in a much better state. So the Rocketship was smoldering since late morning with some texts and really took off with a text @ 5:48 so yeah, this is another 4-hour cycle, but with precursors - the whole last darn week has been precursors really. Just trying to look for patterns... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I went on the networking site and Michael was on - we've never chatted there before - indeed he's rarely on. It took all of about 30 seconds for him to hail me all cheery and so we talked for a bit, then he accidentally booted himself so we ended up talking via phone. No emotional Rocketship ensued, indeed, nothing went beyond the bounds of friendly chit-chat. However, I ended up extending an invitation for Sunday, which was left open-ended by both of us for now. I don't know if this has moved into 'just friends' mode or what, or if this is just how he acts when he knows a girl is solidly on the hook. Either way, its not very satisfying. That's a good thing. But I do want to talk to him in person and hear it from his own mouth. I've been sucking down throat lozenges and am tired. So much for getting to bed early. S just hailed me on the networking site, she's tired and making her way back into town. I gotta get to bed before any other distractions pop up. I so need rest, and focus. Sleeeeeeeepppp... |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey Mol! Sorry I didn't see your earlier posts sooner!!! Hugs, hugs and more big giant hugs!!!! It's got to feel like your doc threw ya a curve ball. And with so much going on in your life right now it's got to be crazy hard to decide whether to accept the dx and move forward with the meds or find another doc and rule out other factors first. I really don't have any idea what I'd do in your shoes. It's one heck of a situation. If she is right, and you do get on meds to stabalize your moods, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. "Cause if you're rapidly cycling it's pretty impossible to move forward if you make logical, rational plans and then have your mood swing in the opposite direction before you can execute them. Except in the minds of really, really ignorant people, there is no stigma to having a so-called "mental illness". I mean, if you truly are bi-polar and need medication to help correct the imbalance, it's no dfferent from being diabetic and needing insulin to control that illness. I made a list about 2 years ago for a friend who was bi-polar - it was a 2 page, single spaced list of names of famous, creative, talented, successuful men and women who were bi-polar. Right now I can't remember anyone except Robin Williams . But, anyway the point is (and yes, I do have a point), if her diagnosis is correct, you are in some darn good company and controlling the illness does not have to mean the end of the creative, aware side of Molly Moo.That said, she could be totally wrong. Sometimes, if all you see is cows, even horses start to look like cows! There could be so many other things going on - or a combination of things and like you said, you may need to find an open minded doc who is willing to try a holistic approach to helping you deal with all these factors one by one and as a whole before lumping it all together as a single, "easy" diagnosis that can be medicated. Tough choice. Do you opt to take medication in treatment for an illness you might not actually have? Do you opt to not take medication for an illness you may actually have? I have no idea. Frankly, this is the sort of thing I would pray about and I know that's not you..... and I mean that totally without judgment of any kind - we all find our own way ya know? But, you already know how highly I think of you, and, up or down, good or bad, I'm always cheering for you, and I've got total belief that you'll end up doing what's best for yourself...(plus I've already said a great big prayer for ya ' )now about that "getting fired is a good idea thing".... eta: oh, oh, I just had a thought...instead of letting Micheal string ya along as a chick solidly on his hook and/or waiting to hear the "I'm just not that into you anymore" line from his mouth...what if ya just sent him a text (yea, an impersonal, casual text) telling him that you've realized that you're just not into HIM anymore???? Last edited on 11 June 2009 05:38 am by suenos |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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What time am I picking you up at he airport? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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John Deere Doug wrote: What time am I picking you up at he airport? LOL |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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suenos wrote: Cause if you're rapidly cycling it's pretty impossible to move forward if you make logical, rational plans and then have your mood swing in the opposite direction before you can execute them. Except in the minds of really, really ignorant people, there is no stigma to having a so-called "mental illness". I mean, if you truly are bi-polar and need medication to help correct the imbalance, it's no dfferent from being diabetic and needing insulin to control that illness. Suenos, if you ever get tired of what you are doing for living today, I am pretty sure you would have an excellent calling as a life coach, you have a knack for taking your life's wisdom and using it to help people. I like idea of 2-pages of 'good company' heh. Yeah, I have a horrible time even making plans a lot of times because I lack the focus, but when I do, they certainly are logical and rational. But once the rocketship takes hold it's like I am almost watching a movie, the rational part of me is sitting in the theater watching the action take place on the screen. So....I suppose I could try this to see if it helps, but these meds are nothing to joke with....and I feel like I would need to take someone into my confidence, a friend, who will help me judge the effects of the meds....living alone its a bit scary. There's only 1 friend who lives close enough who I could also trust to help and keep it confidential, I just hate to burden anyone with this. Eh, well, I guess I am already burdening people with this, aren't I. Sorry folks. But I have to write, and this is my place....and I do appreciate your support. suenos wrote: eta: oh, oh, I just had a thought...instead of letting Micheal string ya along as a chick solidly on his hook and/or waiting to hear the "I'm just not that into you anymore" line from his mouth...what if ya just sent him a text (yea, an impersonal, casual text) telling him that you've realized that you're just not into HIM anymore???? Oh, I more or less did that last Thursday, after he left #2 and I was all drunk. He called my bluff and I caved. Yeah. Stupid drunk Mol. Thanks tho. This goes back to my theory formed a while ago. Until I get serious about someone, I should try to maintain 3 guys I am interested in at all times, 3 lines of interest/dating, so if one of them dries up, there are 2 others to fall back on. Makes it so much easier if it doesn't work out, like with Ian. Right now the only other interest is Pitch and I don't know if that is going to go anywhere. Well, remembering back to Sunday night, I started forming plans to do things with friends and friends need to be my focus. S will be in town Friday, and I am supposed to go to Cubs game and meet a friend in town from Denver @ Goose Island. We still need to hear about the plans for J's wake. SB's daughters' graduation party Saturday (this is really an excuse for the adults get together too), possibly coffee Sunday with another gf I haven't seen in while....yes friends, friends, friends and Mol, Mol, Mol, I need to just keep chanting the mantra to myself. XOXOXOX Thanks. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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So Mol..............TTOM skipped again? Don't rule out hormones for these mood swings, sleepless nights, etc yet. Some peri-menopausal/menopausal women really get extreme symptoms. Maybe you should chart the emotional ups and downs and TTOM? And, although I know it's not your thing, like Suenos, I'm praying for ya! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hisgal wrote: So Mol..............TTOM skipped again? Don't rule out hormones for these mood swings, sleepless nights, etc yet. Some peri-menopausal/menopausal women really get extreme symptoms. Maybe you should chart the emotional ups and downs and TTOM? OMG Pat - I forgot - the whole reason I logged in here this morning is because TTOTM came! Hurray! But yeah it is day 32. My recent cycles have been 24 days. So suffice to say my body is whacked out. Maybe it is because I was so sick 2 weeks ago, it threw everything off (my bad concentration around memorial day, along with my muscles all messed up, and a few other symptoms). Continuing from last night, I still have a sore throat and swollen glands today, but not so bad, but added a bit of headache and light sensitivity. It's like my entire system is all messed up. But yeah, it is possible that I've been PMS-ing/hormonal for the past 8 days or more... Yep before my Dr. appointment next week, I want to go thru my diaries and also my TTOTM which I do have charted and see what, if anything, correlates. I think its going to be difficult to know for sure. I do need to somehow find a doctor who can take "All these things" and chart a course, not just assuming that medicating it with adult Ritalyn will mask/manage the symptoms enough just so I can get by numbly for the next 40 years... |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Well, Mol, you'd get no argument from me on that one! I am definitely an "alternative" type of person. I'd rather not pop a pill, if I don't have to! There are times I need my Advil/Aleve.........but not until after I make sure I've taken my magnesium, iced it, stretched it, etc. I quit taking antibiotics for sinus infections years ago.......I rest, drink lots of fluids, and use my netti pot. I'm glad you are checking further into it........there are Dr.'s who take a more wholistic approach........treat the whole person, not just write a 'scrip! We're here for you, Mol!  |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Drowsy Hi everyone. I'm exhausted and dizzy, but at least calm. Not even tempted to go out tonight even though it is Thursday and I only work 1/2 day tomorrow from home. No....voluntarily or not I am set for a night of quiet respite on the couch. I think this is a virus. On the way home from picking up C-Dog (who, by the way, is still steadily making progress) I received a text from SB asking if I want to go watch league hockey tonight. That is our code for 'girl talk' where we can sit alone on the bleachers and converse and half-watch the game. I am too exhausted to even be tempted; it doesn't start until 9 and I want to be in bed by 9:30. Challenge weigh in 125.5 after dinner. Not pretty. Not worried. I'll get going in the right direction again, now that TTOTM came I am sure the food cravings will level out and I'll drop some bloat and water next day or 2. I wanted to do toning tonight but hopefully with some rest and a good nights' sleep tomorrow I will get in both a run and toning. Tomorrow I am going to skip the ball game in order to have an electrician come. A couple of weeks ago my rather new light fixture in the basement went out. Then this week, the rather new fixture in the kitchen went out. Not just one bulb, the whole fixtures won't work. Given the wiring in this Very Old House, this may be sign that the electrical apocalypse is upon me and I'm going to have to have it rewired. Hmmmmm....perhaps I need to keep my job for a while longer after all. I cannot even keep my eyes open so I'll just say good night. XOXOX |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A Grin and a Giggle Just caught S on the networking site, she's driving up for a couple of weeks...she just told me she is bringing up a box of old notes and letters she kept from h.s. She says that she organized them all and has about thirty, THIRTY that I wrote to her. Oh lord. We are going to go thru them together I am sure it is going to be such a laugh, seeing who I had a crush on, or whatever the heck else we were talking about. I know we used to put "Mol hearts [insert name]" and band names and stuff on the outside. We were giggling just chatting about it. So...this means I also am soon going to be pulling out 'that box' from the basement. The one I found, still sealed, around XMas when L moved out....the one I opened and my knees gave out when I saw what was in there, and I closed it back up for another time when I wasn't already dealing with so much. This is somehow, somehow, all meant to be. A Weave of Threads. Because, I need to get that box open to get out my ticket stubs and be able to progress some aspects of that story concept I am working on. I started writing it Saturday night but haven't felt ready over the past week to go into that box. But with S here, yeah, this is meant to be. My friend from the past will help me. She will be able to share in some of the contents of that box, as I am sure I kept some of her letters too, and it will help me move forward and move on, with closure on the past, and my writing, which is my future. I cannot wait for her to arrive here, and to have that time together. Yay! I will likely now go to the wake Sunday, there should be many others, a drawing together of a lot of people I've recently reconnected with, and a lot of people I have yet to reconnect with. Pitch is out of town, but S says she talked with him yesterday and he is going to the funeral Monday. Now. S told me a while back that she's not interested in Pitch...she doesn't know that I like him though...but I wonder sometimes if he's interested in her - I know he admires her - well that would suck for me wouldn't it....ah - threads... ETA: Funny, my books on travel in Iceland will arrive tomorrow too...S was my friend who wanted to go together...interesting...ah - threads.... Last edited on 12 June 2009 03:07 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I don't understand what I am still doing up and primarily want to make note of my bad bad habits. No wonder I get sick, when I don't take care of myself and get enough sleep. [Shaking finger @ self - Tsk tsk.] Lets see. I worked a little on my to-do list but too sleepy to make much order of it. I looked @ Cubs tix on Ebay & Stubhub but decided to wait and see what time the electrician comes tomorrow. I ate. I don't know what else I did for the past couple of hours. (?) I wasn't even chatting, which is frequently the culprit. I did however notice that Michael is branching out and adding new friends in the past couple of days on the networking site, the majority of them attractive and cool/artistic looking females...its not surprising really, but I wish I still commanded his attention...he (unsolicited) made reference yesterday to being really preoccupied about his uncles since the wake, plus losing his job etc and his longtime friend moving away Weds, he knew I'd understand...but it feels dead...argh, I want and need some mumblymoo, I just love to cuddle and have pillow talk. He was filling some needs... ...OK, back to the friends, friends, friends, focus!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Performance Plan Well, I see my tendencies are trying to peek out and I am trying to be especially diligent today in managing my outcomes. [triggers: missing Michael and not hearing from him, not having set plans for rest of day/tonight; uncertain about going to the wake Sunday; texting; networking site.] Clear goals and a plan! Including - doing something about what is now a 1-2-6 on the scale this morning. Since consulting L about the electrician this AM (about an estimate we got in the fall) I've already impulsively invited L to bring MDog over since it is gorgeous out and the dogs haven't been together in a while. However, he is hungover from going out last night and just staying in today. We are both going to the same graduation party tomorrow evening. Here's what I need to do - to stay a busy, focused, on-track Mol today: 1. Go thru to-do list and make the phone calls/appts I need to make. Decide on plans for Sunday's wake. 2. For work, complete performance review and SDI analysis; check in w/my analyst on sales stats for Mondays' meeting. 3. Hydrate, go for a run, and do toning. 4. Track cals and eat normal things today. Have a salad+eggs for lunch. 5. Continue doing laundry and put everything away not on my stupid bed. 6. Clean up the clutter and wipe down the counters. 7. Forget the ballgame, other things need to be done this afternoon. Depart 3:15-ish for Goose Island to meet my Colorado friend. 1 beer OK. 8. Come home, and do some writing for a bit - or - take a bike ride (ladies choice). 9. No texting, at least until I have already going out tonight. No networking site either. This will help me stick with the plan which is: Depart @ 10:00, head to #1, leave @ 12:00, head to #1. I get to have 1 drink @ #1 and 1 drink @ #2. I am in control. I am Mol darn it, and I want it to stay that way! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Oh Well, Not Brilliant But I Did "OK" I had a "checklist' post of things I did and didn't do well today but lost connection. I am really really glad I used the calorie calculator - I am at 1251IN for the day, 643Net. The Net is the product of 5.3 4.3J. 1.0W 1:07 which I really had to slug out because my calves and ankles were locking up again. I still have gummy lungs too. Hopefully soon this will all be over. It was a perfectly gorgeous day here. I had the brilliant idea to change my running route to go by the bike shop and stop in and see if they could fix or replace my bike computer. Turns out they knew exactly what to do with it and 60 seconds later, free of charge, I was on my way again, and a "to-do" out of the way. I cooled off after I got home and then did my toning, altogether about 1:40:00 of exercise today.I did get to see my friend from Denver and it was a bit of a let down. I am hoping it was due to her being quite tired, flight delays yesterday, baking in the sun @ the game today, and having a local wedding reception tomorrow after having been married in Vegas about 6 weeks ago. Lots of planning etc., I hope her normal self is a bit more engaging cause I was ready to part ways after about 90 minutes. I did have a fun time brushing up on my social skills with 2 guys at the bar for about 30 minutes. I had dinner @ Goose Island, since I made my hard boiled eggs for lunch and never had time to eat them. Salad when I got home. I thought I went over on cals but right where I want to be. I absolutely passed out with exhaustion when I got home...and, unusually for me, had a 2 hour nap. I really could stay home tonight and just read and/or write quietly, which means I really should, but since tomorrow night is already spoken for, I do want to get in a little club time. I forgot about no texting/no networking while I was out @ Goose Island, and was getting ready to send a photo to Pitch, when I heard from him, and we went back and forth a few. I also checked the networking site a few times and posted a couple of things. Ah, old habits. Nonetheless, I regrouped and have ignored the networking site and the text received a while ago from Delicious-To-Look-At-26-Year-Old Chris. I am sure I will see him later. Since I put on a few pounds, this dress is tight and doesn't look as good as it should. However I am pleased to say, I really think all this running and toning has made my legs look decent and I am not afraid to wear shorter skirts. And yeah - I am not a 40 year old in fantasyland, because I asked Chris his honest opinion recently. He's not afraid to tell me when he disapproves of anything I do, or what he likes and dislikes, I like that. Dont' always agree with him, but I like that. And sooooo....I am still tired but the nap was good and I am altogether pretty calm and not my usual pre-club agitated self. Don't even feel like drinking. This is a Good Thing. It's all related to my Rocketships I am sure. I hope I have good clean fun, a little dancing, and get home at a decent hour. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Skinny Rabbits, Sparse Crowds, Writers and Omelets All right. This post started out as some kind of confessional and I just deleted that. Because while I woke up in the shame of breaking my vows, I'm in the mood to poke some fun at myself and have an enjoyable time composing my very apres club post. So, let's begin, shall we? Arrived @ #1 around 11. I haven't been there in weeks. Friendly hello with X @ the door, and he promptly alluded to my presence there being disruptive. He clarified that he has no beef with me, we are on good terms, but that 'other folks' do. I am not sure who is collectively captured in 'other folks', obviously D of course... There wasn't a large crowd, DJ M was spinning and we chatted a bit, I also met the promoter of the event nite (best described as Anthony Michael Hall on ecstasy) and at a later point we walked through the vinyl he was toting with him - very overlapping tastes we have. He's only 24, another guy 'born in the wrong musical generation' - music is the common thread with these youngish guys I meet in the scene, they like the stuff I was listening to during my high school and college years, very cool in a way, and I think they enjoy talking with people like me, who actually lived that time it was happening musically. This promoter has got some neat ideas and has a Clockwork Orange theme party coming up and is baking some ideas for a Terri Gilliam night and an acid/house party. Word. I spoke with L for a bit, shouted hellos w/E, DK, B, and H but didn't try to converse with any of them as they were crowded at one end of the bar and D was in the pack. DK came over later and said hello. I met a strikingly cool new bartender subbing in for this event as the regular guy is apparently in the hospital. I didn't recognize said bartender, but he says he worked @ #2 for 7 years and also he's 'seen me around' #2 lately when he was hanging out, that I was newer there, did I recently move into town? I gave him the short scoop and it turned out to be a mistake, a conversation killer. Ah well. Lesson learned. Man, I have got to speed this up. OK. LOL. Cover included a free absinthe drink which I tried, it was OK, I had a second while hanging out waiting for Chris. 30 minutes after he arrived he got a message that Carlton was downstairs and didn't want to pay cover for the event nite, they were going to #3 instead and then over to #2. So, not having anyone else to hang with, nor my own ride to #2, I went along and this is where 'the plan' went off the tracks. #3 was really really empty, the thinnest I've ever seen it, we had a drink in the upstairs bar where asian porn was playing on the big screen. It was pretty dull but thankfully in about a hour C&C were also ready to migrate to #2. Yay, Mol dancing time! There was good music on and I hit the dance floor straight away. K was there and I paused long enough to enjoy our usual big hugs hello...then back to dancing...and then I looked up over to the railing over the dance floor where I usually hang, and knew the night was going to get more interesting. I've really got to speed this up. See. OK. There is this loner type, Jason, who I've seen/talked with just twice before. After meeting him again last night I am convinced he lives in his own world, his own self-spun filter on reality. (Does this sound like anyone we know?) He's a writer, actually a computer guy by trade but he comes out to #2 with his notepad and writes. Which is something I would do and have an appreciation for, that creative flow you get when you write in a different setting. We met in Jan and Feb, so I haven't seen him there in 4 months. We had a lovely time last time we met, probably about 2 hours talking and there was definitely chemistry going on, so I gave him my # that night but he never called. Last night when I looked up from the dance floor, he was watching me dancing. Then he watched me getting a drink, then he watched me come over to the railing down a ways from him, and every time I'd look his way he'd be looking elsewhere, avoiding eye contact. So, see, I am not the kind to just sit around and stupidly play that game so I went up to him and did the 'Hi, how have you been?" and got him warmed up. He says he hasn't been there since the last time I saw him, that he rarely goes out or goes there. I am having great difficulty speeding this up. LOL. So I finally got around to mentioning that he never called me and he said that he's a 'chicken' and that it has been a really long time since he's been with anyone or felt that he wanted to. And then he said that he wanted to pay me a compliment but that he didn't want to risk offending me. I said "I can't think of anything that he could say that would offend me, so 'fire away'. "I think you're a beautiful girl and really I want to kiss you right now". Oooooh that was good. And so nicely delivered. And I wanted to kiss him too but oh Lord not in the #2 fishbowl, not having been there just last week with Michael, not with Chris, Carlton and Ian just down the way, or DK who had migrated over, or the numerous other staff and regulars who know me well enough to have their noses in my business. And I certainly wasn't going to leave there with him, the guy who never called me. So we spent about another hour just talking together, and I made him write my phone # down in his little notebook. He had planned to go home @ 2:30, but when that point came he changed his mind and stayed and bought us both a drink, and after that when he was ready to go home I walked - not with him, but rather at the same time as him, you see - outside till we got a bit down the block and had some privacy, and then I finally let him kiss me. He's suprisingly quite good, I wasn't expecting that. After saying goodbye I went back inside and resumed my evening, and then a short while later, he came back in, to see if I'd come with him, but I just told him to 'call me this time' and sent him on his way. He won't, he knows it and I know it, and I know that's why he came back in one last time. I am as certain of it as I am sitting here typing this. It's too far out of his comfort zone to actually do something like call me up and go out for dinner or a cup of coffee or something. So who knows when our paths will cross again, or if I'll be inclined to care.So, concluding this not very short post: Chris, Carlton, Ian and I went out for breakfast @ 4 and a had a lovely ham and cheese omelet with potatoes and dry toast. I was starving, didn't leave a crumb on my plate. I cannot remember the last time I went out for breakfast with my mates after clubbing all night. Fun. Carlton drove us all home, which was a haul out of his way, I should have insisted on taking a cab - yet we had such a lovely drive up Lake Shore Drive with the sun starting to come up over the lake, we were struck by the beauty of the moment, all of us, it was really nice. If we weren't all so tired, I am sure we would have pulled off and just sat and enjoyed it. The end. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Just tallied up my totals including drinks, omelet, and today's lunch - 1495IN / 1417 Net. My legs don't seem up for a run. I am going to go do my toning and then see where I am at. The day is also evaporating rapidly and I need to be turning my thoughts to getting stuff done and going to that party, which starts @ 3, will probably run until 10 or so. I think I will plan to not spend more than 2 hours, 3 max, and am not really planning to eat or drink much, cause of where I already am for the day. A maintenance day would be fine but I don't want to be going overboard, considering I am in a gaining mode, and need to right the ship. I also gotta get on with my to-do's. So a new plan: 1. Toning - Done 2. Walk/run, just 2 miles if legs will permit - Done, apx 2.5M 2.15J/0.35W or so, 29:00 3. Shower & dress - Done 4. Put away rest of laundry, clean bathroom, pick up den. - running behind... 5. NO TEXTING. NO NETWORKING. NO CHAT. for the rest of this evening. Perhaps I will even turn off my phone and the internet. OK so far 6. Spend any spare time working on either (1) iceland or (2) story concept. Dont' have any 7. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will I go clubbing after tonights party...because tomorrow I have to focus catching up for my job, and bringing value to some important meetings Monday and Tuesday. I will get a good nights' sleep. Mmmmmm that would do a body wonders.***Update: Totals after exercise: 1520IN/1217Net. I Heart Exercise.**** Last edited on 14 June 2009 12:05 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Treats I really let myself go at the party last night - not so much in the 'getting drunk' way cause I didn't, I had about 4 glasses of wine all night - but I did however, living in the moment, eat some unusual things, including 3 cookes & 2 fudge-caramel brownies. They were all small, but potent, that's probably 700 cals or so, then I had some chicken and german potato salad and a bit of pasta and tortilla chips. Essentially, then I am pegging 2200 calories in all which I am just going to count as "today" instead of adding on to yesterday, and work from there. So while I am busy and have work priorities today, and my legs need a break from running, I need exercise badly today, and am going to ride. Last night I spent some time chatting with 26yo K, who was truly a girl when I lived over there but now a woman in her own right, and I just adore her. She is training for her first triathalon but a big girl, not athletic, just determined out of sheer force of will. She's also got an interesting love life and she's beautifully honest and attuned to herself, and we have really bonded, I told her about the relationship with Michael and where I am at and how my thinking about relationships and people has evolved...hopefully she is going to come ride with me later. I would like us to become real friends. I wore a dress which looked really good on, and it was nice to receive compliments about my weight loss, from folks I haven't seen in a while. I was also having a good hair day, ha ha. Nice to see a couple of other folks had dropped a lot of weight too. Very very glad to see people getting healthy and taking their lives back and feeling better. Time to go get productive, I have really sooooo much to do today. Not going to the wake. But time is not on my side right now. And yeah, I haven't heard from Michael. His networking site status reflects stress and anxiety and his focus is on his work and his art. Its no way to treat me, but the more he disappoints me, the easier it is to say "I don't want what he has to offer anyway." : ) Time to refocus on ME, fitness, friends, writing, Iceland. And oh yeah, work, if only for the personal pride of being a team player and helping move the common cause forward to vanquish the competition. After being there for sooooo long, it would be a shame to let personal distractions get in the way of a team victory. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Give Me Twenty Well, we rode 20 miles which was something like 600 calories burned however, I was ravenous when I got home and in addition to a nice salad ate the majority of the grilled chicken, cheese tortelliniw/ sauce which I needed to cook up. 3451IN and 2825Net. Yeah. It's really a shame I went ahead and at dinner, but I did. And I simply do not have time tonight for further 'erasing' because I need to buckle down and get to work. I took great pleasure however in being seasoned enough now to give some input to K on next steps to help in her biking training, and after our ride I took her over to the world's greatest bike shop, where they were absolutely fantastic in talking to her about costs and options and also asking me about how things were going with my clipless pedals. Truly great people, I am not just a fan, I am a fanatic for these folks. All right. Time for a shower then off to work. I am going to work over @ the Starbucks I think. It was such a huge success last Sunday night I hope I can repeat it, buckle down, and manage to get home and to bed at a decent hour. Hope everybody have a lovely weekend. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I am starting to groove on this Starbucks work thing. First off, getting out of my rut (i.e. my Den) is good for productivity and creativity. Second, they brew fresh decaf for me, it is cozy, pleasant, clean and I can plug in. Third, when I need a break I have my phone, laptop, journal etc and can 'take 5 easily'. Fourth, the sweetest moroccan immigrant gave me his #, kissed my hand, and told me I am beautiful. I could get used to this. Life is good. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Food, Glorious Food I need to do better, much better, eating wise. I polished off the cheese tortellini last night before bed. Then, when I couldn't sleep (from eating late), I went grazing and had: triscuits with cheddar cheese; a 1/2 english muffin w/peanut butter, and then a while later, some ham. This morning I came in and still had my usual brekkie, figuring I'd just try to go back to 'normal'. That was fine, but why did I just go over and eat about 6 hershey's kisses? Seriously, this chocolate grazing at work has to stop. That's been going on for about 2 weeks now. Baaaaad habit. I gotta get back to logging everything and being accountable. Seriously. Today's weigh-in is going to be abysmal. My clothes are fitting tighter and I really don't feel so great. I am also still dealing with virus, sore throat, plugged ears, yellow crud, coughing coughing coughing. Maybe if I'd eat right and get some sleep, I would get better, eh? Here's to righting the ship the rest of the day!! I want to run later (if I can breathe, that is). |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Travel Companion? So, Pitch found out 2 days ago he has to go to Denmark for work, leaving today, will be gone til Friday. In response to his stressed and dour note, last night I said something about him needing a break, a vacation, and then just flippingly added "You want to go to Iceland"? just as an amusing rhetorical remark. He just wrote back and asked me "When?" Wow, at first I was excited...but then...how come the thought of it actually terrifies me? Why am I afraid of something starting with him? Is it because his relative conservatism would temper in certain respects the exploratory and liberated life I am currently leading? Is it because I think the world of him and don't want something to screw up the friend-based relationship which has grown up over the months? Is it because I still think the timing is not yet right? Well, if a trip together does happen, I've got to go into it thinking 'just friends', 'cause I am still not yet in the right mindset to keep from effing it up. And I don't really know if he is interested in anything more, anyway. Exciting development nonetheless. Stay tuned for the next exciting installment. |
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Terabyte New Member
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that IS pretty cool! travelling with a beautiful man is always fun!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Today's totals including my aforementioned personal midnight food fest: 1273IN/1005Net. 3.05M 2.65J/0.4W 34:30. "ish". Went to the woods, still struggling with ankles and calves, thinking that it is time to get my stride/shoes assessed. I've got sore throat, swollen glands and tongue, coughing fits with crud and my eyes are shutting. My temp is 97.1 Sure would be nice to shake this soon. I have to get some sleeps tonight. Weigh in 127.5. Abysmal, as predicted. Ah well, today is the start of getting back on track - I hope. I was thinking about taking Nyquil until I saw that 2 tbl is 93 calories. I'll just take some Xanax instead I guess. |
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Scoobees Distinguished Member
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mollymoo24 wrote: I was thinking about taking Nyquil until I saw that 2 tbl is 93 calories. OMG, really?? I honestly never thought of checking! I did look at my cough drops once though...was going thru them like candy. Hope your bug  and the crud passes soon, Mol! |
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jackbenimble New Member
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I've got to get a job like yours. At least, the working from home/Starbucks and the hours sound good. What is there about Iceland that makes everyone want to go there? It sounds, I dunno - cold? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Reclaimed Perspective I laid down for an hour in a sort of semiconscious state and am now back up for a bit. Conflicted about the Nyquil as I am already trying to not go grazing. Had some grape tomatoes as a 'snack buster.' I am presently in a funk over Michael, but thankfully those thoughts seem to go away as quick as they come. Indeed, I knew what this was when I got into it and I am going to be a stronger Mol for the experience. Update: Funny, I know my funk comes from not hearing from anyone (including Michael)all night and not staying busy, and being alone with my thoughts. That voice of rejection and doubt starts creeping in. Then I was thinking about Friday night an how no one from the old circle, except L, did more than say hello and all just stayed clustered together. And just then I hopped over to the networking site and found an invitation from a very cheery, positive girl I used to work with, to come bike with her in a charity bike ride on Sunday. Of course, needing to be somewhere on Sunday @ 7AM means committing to 'being good' on Saturday night - and you know what - that is perfect! Good clean positive recreation which doesn't disrupt my sleep is a Good Thing! I've already gratefully accepted. So I just want to take this useful example to myself, of something I identified months ago in my old journal. I tend to see things as a 'best case' or a 'worst case', I overreact to what is occurring right now, at the moment, and not see things in the larger context. I forget what it is called, but there is actually a psych term for having the propensity to do this. So I just gotta keep it all in perspective; there are really a lot of great, positive people out there in my life who value and love me and I am just fine. ETA: And I just got a lovely text from EF and also text and a photo from Pitch who is on the plane. I really am a total ding-dong sometimes. Last edited on 16 June 2009 04:22 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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So why I had to go snacking I don't know. It's always when I am in this drowsy state, and frequently I have had xanax so perhaps there is a link there. Anyway, new totals: 1926IN/1658Net. That's probably around maintenance. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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It's amazing to me that, being both sick and exhausted, I still didn't manage to fall asleep until 1ish. I guess it is a combination of the coughing and all the food. I am getting positively fat I feel like I have belly rolls. Anyway I had perhaps another 300 calories of snacks - ham/cheese, scoops/salsa, dollop of peanut butter after that last post which I will just count towards todays totals. I had normal brekkie and will just have a normal lunch and then small dinner this evening. Goals for the day: 1. Track calories; 1100IN; no chocolate or anything else containing sugar 924IN so far after lunch, skipped dinner altogether. 646Net. Sometimes I think it is better to forgo dinner if I am not all that hungry, rather than have a small snack that could set me off. Also - getting out of the house for the evening helped immensely. 2. Stay focused on positive things I want to do: charity ride; get running shoe eval; find a 5K to run; plan trips/vacations. If I am well enough, go to Sbucks this evening to do planning/reading; staying at home is not productive and sucks me in. I did go to Sbucks, have charity ride pretty well set, read a little on Iceland. Read my old journal looking for clues, if any, tied to mood swings and rocketships. I ran out of time. 3. No texting, chatting, or networking site with any boys. It's going to be a boy-free day. How liberating! I was doing OK, let myself get affected when I forgot and checked texts and nothing from Michael. Then I read #2 above and regrouped. ETA: Never did hear from him. I've decided I need to really cut back on all the texting, networking etc, I've started noticing how often I check and that its really taking away from my focus. Good job Mol. 4. Toning. Run only if I am up to it. I did my toning but was really craving a run. I ended up running 2 miles in the steady light rain, dodging puzzles, and flashing huge grins at people stuck in horrible traffic staring @ the crazy wet girl running in the rain. 5. Do something nice for an old friend who isn't expecting it. Failed, and I am out of time. 6. Sleep IN THE BED. Be in the bed no later than 10. Period. Exclamation! Argh. I went grocery shopping because I needed dog food and cash and got home $300 poorer. And I still want to write a short post re: Drummer. Most of all, keep my perspective on things. I really maintained my calm much better today, certainly focusing specifically on this helped, I think no boys really helped, and a good day at the office helped, and finally, getting out of the house and taking an hour for myself helped. Last edited on 17 June 2009 05:05 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Darn this rain! No hope for a run, its coming down waaaay too hard and the radar doesn't look good. They may cancel the Cubs-Sox game, there is no break in the hours ahead. And I want/need a run badly. I am trying to keep a +++ mindset but coupla of things bringing me down, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want exercise, shower, and then coze up making plans over a nice decaf @ Starbucks. CMon Mol, dig in and make it a great finish to the day! At least the scale was back down to 125, due to a lot of coffee. |
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Terabyte New Member
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molly: I can relate to how your emotions/moods seem so labile, especially when it comes to attention from men. I think I have stated before that sometimes one call or one text can change someone's day into a beautiful day full of sunshine and rainbows where as the lack of a communication from a man (or men) that we care about can make the stormclouds roll right in. I think this is definitely a normal thing--I mean, let's be honest, one of the things that is most important to people everywhere, in all cultures and throughout human history has been romantic relationships. Most people, unless they are a monk or a nun or something, really want a husband or wife or life partner or whatever you want to call it. I think that is a pretty basic desire for people. Think of all the songs and paintings and poems that are all about how totally fantastic and complete people feel when they find true love, that special person they can share their life with. I mean come on, everyone knows that's a big deal. Having it feels wonderful and not having it, well doesn't feel so great. I always find it a bit laughable when married people or people in long-term relationships look at single people and say geez why get so worried about a guy (or girl?) and its like, yeah easy for you to say, you HAVE a man (or woman) you aren't experiencing this loneliness i am feeling. it's sort of like someone with a great, high-paying job telling someone they don't understand why someone would get so upset about not getting called back after a job interview. its like hello? ITS BECAUSE I WANT A JOB!!! Or like my friend Gloria one time was saying that she felt a bit sad about her figure, as she is pretty flat-chested and she's always wanted a bigger chest, she's never felt quite sexy or desirable beause of it, and my friend Kristie (who has big ol' beautiful D cups) said "boobs aren't that big a deal, you dont need them to feel sexy" and gloria was like, right, so speaks the woman with the huge marvelous rack!!! don't get me wrong, i know those people are well intentioned but they really just don't understand. so anyway, i think that it is normal to feel happy when it looks like things are going somewhere with a man and it is normal to feel disappointed and sad when it looks like things aren't going somewhere. It's painful when we lose something, even if it's just the loss of a hope we had for something. Its like of course Michael (or D or whoever else) wasnt a husband of 40 years so losing them obviously isnt the same as losing a beloved husband of 40 years but it's painful because you are losing the possibility of them BEING that beloved husband of 40 years. Its like well #%@&! back to the drawing board... once again. As you probably know from reading my journal, i experienced some seriously painful stuff in the last few days when I lost my top advisor consort but the way i tried to look at it was that space was being created for someone who WOULD love me back the way I loved them, space was being created for that great guy, whoever he might be, to come and fill and that really made me feel happy instead of |
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Terabyte New Member
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oops, i didn't mean for that to end post right there. but anyway, I think it is totally normal and human to get sad and disappointed about love-related matters, that is powerful stuff. And if I am not mistaken, this is what sets you off on rocketship mode, it's the relationship stuff. but hello--that is probably one of the strongest influences on people, like i said there are more songs and poems written about love and heartbreak than any other subject, so i think it's normal that it is powerful in your life I think the main thing is managing how powerful you allow it to be and I think a lot of that comes from just changing your perspective on what it means when michael doesnt text or whatever. It means that screw him then, your phone can then be filled with texts from some other guy--some guy that LOVES to text you and call and say hi, whether it's pitch or some guy you haven't met yet. I would NOT try to control the happiness you feel when men do pay attention, just the sadness you feel if they don't. which brings me to my next point... about bipolar disorder I work in the mental health field and I think bipolar disorder gets WAY overdiagnosed and people who are more intens/passionate/emontional get labeled as sick and i think THAT'S sick. As a matter of fact, it really tees me off, I think it is wrong. I think it is a horrible thing that the psychologial AND pharmaceutical community is doing to people, making them feel they need medication to control how intense they are. I will not argue that there are probably some bona fide cases of people that truly have such a bad chemical imbalance that they are just completely haywire and dangerous to themselves or others and therefore need medication, but I don't think it is nearly near the number of people that are prescribed psychoptropic medication. we all make mistakes, we all go off the deep end, we all goof up and get upset and drink too much and make horse's butts out of ourselves from time to time. I have been reading your journal for a while and i think you are an intense person but you always try to look at the problem and take steps to solve it, you are able to see your destrutive patterns and then you do something about it. You have a job, you are self-sufficient, you havent tried to kill yourself or hurt anyone else due to your intensity, you can take care of a pet, you can handle your finances, you aren't in trouble with the law, etc. I think it is pretty much horsesh.it that Dr. B said you have bipolar disorder and need meds. I think it is just a matter of doing some hard, arduous inner work and making some major changes in what you do,which you've already been doing and seem determined to continue to do. I mean for Christ's sake, in the last year, you've completely changed your body and exited a marriage. What does Dr. B expect? not to talk too muh sh.it on Dr. B but I just think you have gone through some radical changes and you are getting used to how it all works now with so many changes. It is obvious to me that you try very hard to analyze and figure out the best course of action and you ask for the help of others if you truly feel confused about the best course of action. A true bipolar person does not act like that, in my opinion. Real bipolar disorder is really scary,like bodily harm, prison style scary. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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TB - thanks for your post, and I know some of that comes from personal experience so thank you for sharing. I know you've been dealing with your own affairs of the heart this week and it says something about you that you put together that lovely, detailed, supportive post to reach out and help someone else. I think I fundamentally agree with you on just about everything you said. Although, Dr. B isn't actually a fan of meds and she only goes to them when she feels they are needed; and keep in mind that, believe it or not, in spite of my prolifigate entries, not everything pertinent makes it into this journal. I am giving that matter a lot of thought and your comments are very helpful. Thank you, simply, thanks. I want to get down 2 other things. One is pretty neat. At Starbucks, I was pleasantly surprised to arrive at the same time as Drummer, who was part of the broader original club circle, but no longer affiliated with anyone. I haven't seen him in oh, 10 years. He's in his early 50's now I'd say, hispanic, puerto rican I think. And the twinkle in his eye which I don't remember from before. What struck me, is that he was radiating an aura...comfort? ease? satisfaction? as if he is simply well satisfied with his life. He had a pretty good memory and recalled a few things I had forgotten; I in turn caught him up to speed on various things, including the recent death of V. How nice to talk with someone from the old days who isn't caught up in all the B.S. and drama. He is not on the networking site, but when he left, he handed me this printed (newsprint type) magazine and said he wrote an article and one of his bands was in there and his email was inside. After he left I opened it to the page where he'd folded down the corner and circled his email addy. My eyes traveled the pages and he actually was sprinked fairly liberally through the magazine, in pictures and articles and whatnot. I only had the chance to skim but looking forward to reading more. The other thing I want to get down is how much more awesomely comfortable my tummy feels - and flat - since I got rid of the crud, didn't overeat, and got a workout in. I haven't felt this good in probably close to 2 weeks. On that, I must now to bed. IN THE BED. Gnight all.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I didn't snack. I slept in the bed. I hit snooze and the alarm didn't go off the 2nd time. Got an extra hour and still here in time for my first meeting. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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On My Game Its worth noting that while I am still congested and coughing some, I am feeling a heck of a lot better today, and having a very productive, rapid firing day. Mol in command, confident, capable, back to life. Practically Munich Energy Mol. Is this the result of an in-control eating, and good sleeping day yesterday? Or is the good eating and sleeping a result of a mood/hormone cycle my body is going through? Getting the better of this virus? It is a chicken-and-egg scenario, but I gotta just keep writing things down and maybe someday a definitive pattern to all this will emerge. On that score I also will note that I wore my old shoes for my 2-mile run yesterday. There seems to be a difference in the pronation between the two, and I am figuring out that I haven't consistently been able to get my running up where it should be since my calf injury several months ago, which is also around the time I switched to these shoes. OK I am going to schedule an eval with the running store today. (update - done - going in Monday afternoon-Yaaaay. Finally). It is helpful that I've raised my awareness of how often I am checking for texts and the networking site. 6 months ago, these "tools" were not part of my everyday life. In recent months, they've become a central part of my life. I know this is an evolutionary function of reconnecting with old friends, and also getting out and dating again. I've just got to put parameters around how much time and focus I am investing there. It's nice to be back again. BTW, scale 124 this AM, 'empty' weight, made me feel a bit better. Eating on track so far today, off to put my food so far in the counter then back to work...ETA: 542IN after lunch. Last edited on 17 June 2009 06:07 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Your Crisis is Not My Problem 920IN/920Net today, includes a glass of white wine I am presently enjoying. No workout, no time. I am whipped. Busy day at work, then a crisis (which didn't need to be a crisis) erupted over a large customer, my analyst got the analysis to me at 3:30 when I was just ready to leave, I spoke with the GM for the business, gave him the facts, and told him I was going to be where I could not use a cell phone between 4&6. If he felt that they could make the best decision without me - do it - otherwise, schedule a call for after 6PM or tomorrow AM. Then I left. To go to my spa appointment. I had a haircut and 80 minute hot stone scheduled and I didn't want to cancel. Primarily because when you cancel at the last minute, you are taking money out of people's pockets. Secondarily, well, darn it, it just wasn't my fault that it turned into a crisis and usually with these things there is wiggle room, I was not falling for that. Guess I've learned a thing or two. Anyway I had my haircut, then checked in with the GM before my massage and he determined that we can finalize it in the morning. That's the best anyway, so we can all mull it over overnight. After that, I picked up my car which is was finally ready after the accident 3.5 weeks ago. Not sure the repairs are completed to my satisfaction but going to deal with that soon...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped. I received a text finally from Michael which arrived aroung 6PM during my massage but haven't read it. I am so busy I cannot afford to get distracted but really the primary driver is, I don't know what I want it to say and how I am going to react, so I decided the best thing was to exercise some control/restraint, and let it sit for now. Trying really hard to manage the Rocketship. And you know what? Staying in control can be empowering. Speaking of which, scale at 122.5 before dinner. Yeah, that's a bit of water/being empty but still I feel like I have adequate distance from that 127.5 which popped up the other day. Yikes!!I also need to note that this afternoon around 3:30, I did notice that I was going on the Rocketship, it was so stressful and frenzied at the office over this crisis primarily, and my head got light again and not anywhere the same focused, impactful mode I was in during the morning. I am so glad that I had plenty to do tonight to keep me busy who knows if I'd have done something like meet up with Michael or Chris or whoever midweek, etc. I still was feeling some residual effects through my spa and even now but they are really mild, I did a pretty good job of calming down while I was getting my massage. Then I used the steam bath and nice long shower, that was really good. OK, I am going to take my whipped self and be in the bed again within 15 minutes. I don't have the house fully picked up but I did a lot and can do another 10 minutes before I leave in the morning. Cheers. Or as DJ M would say, "Chowder". |
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suenos Moderator
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mollymoo24 wrote: ...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped. This cracks me up cause I have two aunties and a girlfriend who do the exact same thing.....seriously if I ever have a maid I will spend the day before she comes just wallowing in squalor while reveling in the thought "the maid comes tommorrow"....and just typing that I realized probably not 'cause whenever I stay in a hotel I clean up really well before housekeeping comes just so they won't know what a piggy I am sounds like things are going well for ya and I'm happy for ya! Yey for Mol being in control and feeling good!!!!!! |
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suenos Moderator
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mollymoo24 wrote: ...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped. This cracks me up cause I have two aunties and a girlfriend who do the exact same thing.....seriously if I ever have a maid I will spend the day before she comes just wallowing in squalor while reveling in the thought "the maid comes tommorrow"....and just typing that I realized probably not 'cause whenever I stay in a hotel I clean up really well before housekeeping comes just so they won't know what a piggy I am sounds like things are going well for ya and I'm happy for ya! Yey for Mol being in control and feeling good!!!!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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You know, I think when I get into this drowsy-tired-almost asleep mode is when I lose control the most easily. See, I convinced myself that I was calm and in control enough to go ahead and read Michael's text. And, it was completely generic, something that could have been sent to 10 people at once, and perhaps maybe it was; in any event there was nothing personal to me in it. At all. After 5 days. And so...don't do anything Mol - don't - no - wait - up oh no...I had to go ahead and fire off the cannon. I figured either the phone would ring immediately or I'd never heard from him again. And, since the phone didn't ring, alas...I guess it will help me move on...I've been in denial...I still close my eyes and the memories are intoxicating... ...oh yeah, and I snacked, about 450. Could be worse for the day anyway. I am going to bed now for real. Wish me luck. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sadly, I am still up. And, tomorrow is an important day. I am going to blather on about it because frankly it will give me something to do while I wait for my Xanax to kick in. Anyway tomorrow I have 'coaching and sushi' with Steve, we are getting offsite and doing a less formal development meeting. I think it will be good to break the mold of our usual stint in my office. Later in the day, importantly, the meeting with the meds. Dr. and then Dr. B. About the bipolar thing. I am inclined against starting the meds and then...look at tonight as an example...I get so emotional that I do things I wouldn't do if I was in a steadier frame of mind. So, I don't know. Maybe it would result in me being happier over the long run, if I were less impulsive. But its so hard, because I still want to be ME, not some doped up version of me. OK that's all the 'stuff' I have so I am going to take a different tack and try for a fun post next. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well I am sitting here trying to come up with a good humorous story along the lines of The Panty Run or If One More Thing Jumps Out of This Refrigerator. Cause I really enjoy those. But I guess those just sort of spontaneously happen and I just observe them, it is not like I make them up, and I cannot think of anything that funny that happened recently. Or not recently. Sorry. I guess I have really been in a rut. So. I think I am going to pick something from childhood to reminisce about. Ice Fishing The Ice Fishing derby. My Dad took me. Oh, I must have been between 6 and 8 years old. The local mens' club hosted it as part of a winter festival. Incidentally and I just now realized this, this was one of the few times I was ever at the beach next door to the house where Pitch grew up. It's sort of funny looking back with my mind's eye over thirty years later with a new perspective. Anyway, it was daylight hours, and they had augered at least two dozen holes in the ice to fish through. But no one really showed up to participate except for me, and then there was a non-competing adult ice fisherman out there in his little shack just having fun. There was snow on the ice where the wind hadn't blow it clean. The weather was clear but cold. And I sat there in my little bundled up outfit, which had a red puffy coat with white fringe on the hood and sleeves, and tried and tried and didn't catch a fish. I am not even sure that I had any bites. I think we had something like 4 hours to 'compete' and after the 3rd hour, since no one else showed up, the men's club president came over and awarded me all 3 prizes 1st-2nd-and-3rd place, just for sticking it out and participating. First prize was a portable AM/FM radio, shaped like an oil can and branded Exxon. I sort of wish I still had it for old times' sake, I remember it quite vividly and had it for probably 15 years. I cannot remember the second place prize, but third place was a silver dollar. How cool to a kid. I remember being surprised and little embarassed since I didn't think I deserved any prizes, for not catching any fish. But it was nice of them. It is nice reflecting on the sense of community and volunteering that was prevalent in that place and time. I believe it to be a small town phenomenon, as I have observed it in the towns L and I frequented in Michigan, and we would often participate in those community activities. Funny, this is leading me back to an entry I made Sunday in the Book of Mol, first one in a while... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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After that last post I went to bed and shortly thereafter, 2 texts from Michael. Not containing any apology, just saying that his future is uncertain and that finding work is his all-consuming focus right now. Then I went on the networking site and a couple hours later he sent a rather lengthy message to me that is on track with the same thing, just in more detail, but at least begs forgiveness for his current inattentions. Apparently, as I feared, his employer is trying to fight his unemployment and he only has about 2 months of funds in the bank right now. He's updated his networking site status also to telegraph a similar message to the population at large, saying that people won't be hearing from him, he is spiraling, depression is settling in, and "this means Michael that has left the building". So, OK. Clearly nothing is going to be going on near term and somehow it seems unlikely that we will pick up again in the future. But, I am glad he stepped up to the plate and at least I know happened - in that respect he didn't let me down. There's not really much I can do for him for right now. More later. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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. A Moment of Happy. I mean like simple, pure, content, happy. Not Rocketshippy happy. Not hormonally happy. Just...grinning. Sushi and coaching went well today with Steve, I think he arrived at a better understanding of what I've been going through emotionally, where my priorities are at, and what I can and cannot handle right now, and that I won't be investing time outside the office right now advancing the global stuff. It is not productive, and not a personal priority. Inside the 4 walls of the office - absolutely. I didn't have to give him specifics and frankly still couldn't even though I would love to be able to confide in him. Some day, when I am no longer working there, I know we will be real friends. Yesterday's crisis was also resolved to my satisfaction. I was able to spend more time mulling things over, made a recommendation based upon a nice bit of competitive strategy which went off like a lightbulb for the GM involved. I felt like I brought some value to the decision making process today, a positive feeling which has been lacking for the most part the last couple of years. After work, the crucial meeting with the meds Dr. T and Dr. B. Dr. T wasn't at all what I expected. She drilled me on my memory problems and drinking and told me I needed to get the drinking under the control and scripted me some vitamins to take for memory. She suggested AA and also an anti-craving drug for alcohol but I was stubborn. I told her my problem is the Rocketships and managing my emotions - sometimes I drink to medicate, but sometimes I eat, or do impulsive things like texting, or I run or I write or just have to get the heck out of the house and go somewhere, but that its all these emotions, usually guys or work or relationships setting them off...or anticipation of the weekend/clubbing. There are definite patterns. She doesn't think I am bipolar. So then I saw Dr. B and I never saw her so agitated in my life. She clearly disagrees. She clearly thinks I have an underlying disorder feeding it all. However, she supposes that OK, I get the binge drinking under control and then we try to see what my baseline is before making a diagnosis. Sounds good to me. I haven't been so animated, so assertive, so full of opinions and life as I was with Dr. B today. I amaze even myself when I am firing on all cylinders. The alcohol rules are: no more than 3 in a night, no more than 7 per week. And I intend to be fully accountable. OK...but why am I happy? Because I pulled into the garage, grabbed my phone to go into the house, and saw there was a text from Pitch. He's back home a full day early. A little back and forth, he asked me what I am doing this weekend, and we made plans to get together tomorrow night. Clearly, I am interesting to him, regardless of whether he's "interested" in that way. How nice. A perfectly nice, genuine, well liked, brilliant, educated, well-travelled, music-loving, good looking man is going to grill out for me at his place tomorrow night. We will likely play music all night on his brand new stereo system. Regardless of any romantic interest, it makes for a lot more balanced and soulful evening than going out clubbing. I also just grilled skirt steak to perfection, am enjoying a glass of white wine (A glass) and just got an invite from Chris for tonight which I turned down because I need sleep and don't need to be going out. Yay. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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3281IN. And no exercise. I am sooo tired and sleepy but thinking about going for a run anyway. Problem is I have a fairly full belly. I grilled up meats from the fridge earlier (skirt steak and chicken) - and pigged out on them. Very tasty but it was an all around high-indulgence, high-cal day. Yeah, OK, I will at least go for a walk. I had no workout yesterday and it could be raining tomorrow. ETA: 3.1M 2.8J / 0.3W 34:09. 2982Net. Yep. I left the house around 10:40 and arrive home at 11:15. It was easy-peasy too, except for the side stitch I had from all the food. Sweated profusely, I guess the humidity here. Now I've had a nice shower and will go to bed and be able to set my alarm a tad late in the AM. Must not snack. Don't know what my little piggy problem is...Good night! Oh yeah, and the scale is solidly @ 125 today. Last edited on 19 June 2009 06:17 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Yet another sleepless night. Sigh. I was so close but didn't fall asleep so back at the keyboard again. It wasn't food either since I didn't eat since dinner. This is pretty frustrating because I don't want to be tired tomorrow night. I am going to push my alarm back one more hour and go in a bit late in the morning I guess. The snacking has started... |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I've been wanting to suggest AA for a long time. I just didn't know how to approach it. That is where you'll find your solutions and meet friends just like you. I'd suggest finding a group with lots of recovery. If you run with the winners, you will be a winner. The energy you're putting into not going to AA should be a red flag for you. Sorry for interfering. I do care about you. You are a part of my recovery. Incidentally, I would be dead or in jail if I hadn't found Alanon. I just LOVE alcoholics. I just want to fix them. That is my disease. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Gastronomic Delights The evening with Pitch was everything I could have wanted...except romantic. On top of his other fine qualities Pitch really enjoys cooking and he spent all afternoon doing his thing. He did it for the love of cooking and the joy of having someone to share it with, not to impress...nonetheless, it was impressive. Seriously, OK. 4 different types of tasty spread w/bread and chips (dude, I mean homemead spreads). Gaspacho to die for. Chicken marinated in pineapple and mango and other stuff and grilled w/tasty cole slaw and mango salsa. All this stuff was made from scratch. Red and white wines. We never even got to the desert (which I now feel bad about). Seriously I ate about a million calories, I liked everything a lot but the portions were huge. I gotta watch out for that, by the way, because L was a foodie and that is how I got so fat starting 15 years ago. We talked a lot about things which matter, one of my favorite things about Pitch because he isn't a typical guy. He talks about feelings and people and relationships, and is barenaked honest about his own insecurities and struggles and sincerely cares about other people's as well. We listened to a range of music on his lovely new stereo and told a few stories and a few confessions. It was a good (albeit platonic) night. He did at one point however comment on how remarkably similar our minds are. I said "Yeah, you noticed." It's pretty cool that he sees it. About time. If nothing ever gets going here, I am still going to be one lucky chick if we stay on long term as friends. I got home a bit after 1 and was whipped but decided gear up and head over to #2 to see if Jason had showed up, so that I could give him some more encouragement. But he wasn't there, and I guess our paths may not cross again for a long time, if ever. That sucks. I mean, attraction and chemistry don't happen every day, its a shame to not pursue it. But, everyone has their issues. I wore those gorgeous new boots with the 5" heels and while I think they look pretty good on, Carlton was teasing me and trying to get me to hit the dance floor "You are going to have to dance like a girl in those, cmon I wanna see you dance"...which, Beth will be impressed, I did manage to do, and yeah - I pretty much gotta dance like "a girl" in those. Burns way fewer calories, and not at all good for the feet or shins, those boots are def not made for that purpose. Chris never migrated over from #1, apparently he and Ian were hanging @ #1 and then he went home and crashed, Ian had a girl with him and they went no-one-knows-where. However Carlton showed up @ #2 and we closed the joint then he gave me a lift home and came in and hung out for a couple of hours. I baked him a mini deep pan pizza which is better that the White Castle we almost went to. I def wasn't even hungry The last 30 minutes I was falling asleep standing up and practically to lead him to the front door, he was so busy talking. But that's Carlton. OK now for accountability. 3 glasses of wine with Pitch along with glasses of water. That was fine. I had a couple of diet cokes @ #2 and then where I went off track was when Carlton came. I offered to buy him a drink and then it seemed the right thing to have one along with him. (Why did I really do this, to make chatting easier?) So I had a vodka drink which was the second error because vodka always begets more vodka. So I had a second one, and then after we got back to my place I had a glass of wine. Soooooo....6 drinks. Now, its not like I was drunk or anything like that because that was over the course of nearly 10 hours. But, while I can crack a joke "technically that was 6 over 2 days - 3+3", its not what I set out to do and therefore a failure. Well at least now I should be in the clear because I am staying in tonight, early bike ride tomorrow, then lots of other activities until next week. I can do this. Other accountability: I have no freaking idea how many calories I consumed yesterday. They had the breakfast buffet @ work so I had 2 cheese blintzes, sausage and eggs; small lunch, and then that wonderful, massive dinner @ Pitches, and the alchohol. I am loosely estimating 3500. I did do my toning yesterday and walked a mile. Whoop-de-do. Today - well thankfully, I was able to roll over and go back to sleep several times after initially awakening @ 9:30. I got about 6 hours and now that I've had coffee and a bit of lunch, I am feeling decent. So here's the rest of my day: - Hydrate. Done - Go for a long run/walk around 4-ish. Done, not esp. long, just the usual. - Update to do list, get plans set for the next week, see what's important. - Organize the "pile o stuff" which I shoved out of the way for the cleaning lady. - Pay bills. - 700 calories, including some pasta for dinner to aid the bike ride tomorrow. - No liquor. None. That simple. Even if/especially if Chris swings by later. - Finish laundry. In process. - Work on grocery list. - Smile and have some fun. I feel flirty. I don't know yet if or when I will be seeing S, if she is going to make it down to spend the night on Sunday. I wish she'd make up her mind. If not, I will plan to spend a few hours @ Sbucks and/or another coffee shop writing in the book of Mol, thinking about Europe, and digging deep down to find out, at the core, whether I really want to go. I need to make a decision about that, because if I do want to go, I need to put my energy into making it happen. And if I don't want to go, I need to stop dabbling in thinking about it and wasting my energy. Scary. I wonder sometimes if its just this little fantasy and I am talking myself into it because it sounds interesting and adventuresome. Its difficult to be just settling in to some rekindled friendships and new friendships and then move away and start over. I don't deal well with isolation, but I do have some faith that I can meet people and eventually make friends. I'd better get on with my goal to take a German language course. Last edited on 21 June 2009 12:53 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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3 hours gone and not much accomplished. In additions to still fighting this upper respiratory thing I woke up the past 2 days with mucousy eyes and my eyes have been red and painful. So I got dressed to go for my run and decided to first head to the clinic while they are still open. After about 90 minutes - diagnosis - double pink eye. Then off to WAG which took forever since they forgot to call me over the speaker when my script was ready (grrrrrrr.) So, I am back home now and pretty tired, contacts out, glasses on and trying to motivate for a run and/or toning. I am just tired. I still feel flirty and smiling though. OK I'll go for a jog and flash grins at the cute boys. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Today's Totals: 618IN/290Net. 3.1M 2.8J/0.3W 34:00 + toning uppers. Was so overheated and sweating profusely; really wanted to do abs but had to stop the toning. After dinner weight 125.5. Not progressing toward my Challenge goal one bit. And it is entirely attributable to overeating and drinking alcohol. Simple. I declined antibiotics today for my upper respiratory but if it is not better in a couple of days I will go see my regular Dr. It does seem to be improving 'a little'. I think of myself as so strong and healthy now because of getting fit and eating better but clearly physically my body is not in great shape at the moment. I nearly fell asleep on the couch writing this post. I also gotta go get the vitamins Dr. T wants me to start taking for memory. I stopped mid-workout at the nearby Marathon to get a water and ended up buying a lottery ticket on a whim. That would take care of a few concerns. I sent a nice email to Pitch and hopefully hit the right tone of friendly+enthusiasm. On Thursday I told S that I like him after she told me about another guy from h.s. who she is interested in. A couple of months ago I thought she was into Pitch but she's declared herself elsewhere and I've "staked my claim" now. LOL He does, I know, think very highly of S, and perhaps she will have an influential role at some point - certainly not now.I should hop in the shower in case Chris does end up wanting to come over on his way out tonight. |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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These boots are made for walking, And that's just what I'll do. One of these days these boots are going to walk all over you. (That is Tina Sinatra from the olden days - just right after the wheel was invented.) |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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Duh... it was Nancy Sinatra. (early senility, sorry) |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Exercisin Fool This morning I participated in a 20-mile charity bike ride, I could have riddin further. The girl I was riding with, however, was suprisingly slowing me down and was pretty toast by the 20-mile marker. 1:35 which is only average 12.5mph. I enjoyed knowing that I was capable of more. I met some triathalon swimming and biking coaches, but I am not real interested in swimming at this point. "I'll think about that next year". 1/2 banana and bagel chunks after the ride - that was quite possibly the best-tasting banana ever. Picked up new dog beds @ Costco (mmmmmmmm....Cedar) and went to Jimmy John's for lunch (mmmmmmm....Big John). Came home, passed out on the couch for a while, and then went for a run 3.1M 2.9J/0.2W 32:58. Not bad after riding this AM. I need to do my abs but have already showered and don't want to sweat. We shall see. I got a mystery text @ 2:30 in the morning while I was sleeping last night. I had a feeling I knew who it was but didn't find out til today. Yep. Jason poked his head out of his shell after all. I was pleased. But we texted back and forth a few times this afternoon and it made me miss the early days with Michael, he was so good at this, knew exactly what to say to really stir up my interest. Jason, well, he just keeps digging a bigger hole for himself. Well I knew he was an odd bird. I asked him if he is an axe murderer. He swears he is not. But that did get me off thinking that unlike Michael, who has a long history and is well known, I don't think Jason is known really at all. Which means I have no one to vouch for him and he really could be an axe murderer. I was talking with Carlton Friday night about saftey and possibly taking some self-defense/martial arts type stuff. It wouldn't hurt. Carlton's answer was 'just get a gun'. I don't like guns. Well the day has gone by so quickly and I cannot get focused on my to-do list for some reason. I really just want to take a nap. My body just wants to curl up for a while and that would be alright, I need to get healthy again and need to listen to my body. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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1665IN/810Net. I even got to eat Ghirardelli chocolate squares and pretzels today. I heart exercise. Dunno why the scale says 126.5 though...hope it is back down for the weigh-in tomorrow. **ETA: I was hungry so I ate what I wanted - more pasta, chicken, peanut butter sand - then realized I missed a couple of things in the calc earlier, mainly I had a bag of BBQ chips @ Jimmy Johns. So with all the additional stuff: 2887/2032. Eh. Maybe that kind of thing is why the scale isn't where it should be. Oh well!! Tomorrow is my running shoe eval, I cannot wait, although I am a bit nervous about having someone actually watch me run. I am such a nerd. Last edited on 22 June 2009 12:45 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sunday Night Pilgrimage Well, it appears that I am settling in, pleasantly enough, to a Sunday evening routine of a nice decaf at my nearest Starbucks, whilst getting prepared for the week, taking care of loose ends, etc. My sweet little Moroccan friend whom I met last Sunday eve was apparently out on the patio for several hours, then spotted me in the shop on his way to his car. So he drove his friend home and then came back to spend 30 minutes or so with me. He brought me a pair of earrings which match his keychain, I'll have to put up a picture when I get time, it was sweet. He told me he likes me and wanted to know when he could see me again. I don't really see myself dating him, he's not my type really, yet he so sweet and persistent I haven't outright said no, I just told him I am too busy, he can come see me next Sunday night for 30 minutes when I am at the Starbucks again. And its "Game On" with Jason, although I think this guy just wants to skip the appetizer and the entree and move straight on to dessert. For a guy I supposed to be too shy to call me, he's certainly turned into quite the aggressive persuer, even asking me about getting together tonight. Well - I'm in the drivers' seat and I call the shots. Pencilled in Thursday but depends on how my week goes. And I am going to run a background check on him. I reverse googled his cell phone earlier and didn't find anything. Did I mention he's only 29? And...frankly, I'd still rather be seeing Michael. I do miss him occasionally. We said hellos today but nothing special. Same with Pitch. I need to get to bed soon, finishing up something for work first though. Eating Triscuits right now. Don't know why, really. Last edited on 22 June 2009 05:03 am by mollymoo24 |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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We have a place here that evaluates running shoes. I'm thinking of asking them to evaluate my walking shoes. Seems like my feet hang over the sides too much. I tightened them up and that helped a little. How often do you have to change shoes? My brother used to run and would give his old (really new) running shoes to my dad. He said you can't run very long in them. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Beth wrote: We have a place here that evaluates running shoes. I'm thinking of asking them to evaluate my walking shoes. Seems like my feet hang over the sides too much. I tightened them up and that helped a little. How often do you have to change shoes? My brother used to run and would give his old (really new) running shoes to my dad. He said you can't run very long in them. Beth: 300 miles or 6 months. I had heard this before and one of the triathletes said the same thing yesterday. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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So, my sore throat, swollen glands are back badly to where it is painful to talk again. Although I was exhausted yesterday and rested quite a bit, and was OK @ Sbucks last night, here I am. Perhaps I am allergic to Triscuits? Just run down? EBV? Anyway, not well enough to tolerate going to the office and so will work from home. Darn it. I need to get well! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Michael just texted that he misses me. Oh boy. My heart skipped and my breath caught. Darn boys. I am just too easy (emotionally, that is). OK back to work... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Man, this has been a terrible sick day. I've been totally dopey and I think I finally figured out it must be the Zyrtec they are having me take to dry everything out a bit which is supposed to help my eyes and my sore throat. So I cannot think straight and keep lying down but not falling asleep; in between I am trying to get things done for work as best I can. My throat really hurts, my glands are really swollen, and it even hurts in my ears when I swallow. How is that for sucking? I read Terabyte's post about receiving a :( sad face from her top advisor consort and not responding. I also 'did nothing' about Michael's message this morning, it was probably a passing moment. Pangs to be sure, but as always, having other men interested in you is a great way to moderate those 'breakup blues'. I am trying to do a low calorie day to offset yesterday. Plus it is a weigh-in day. I desperately need to do my toning and perhaps if this Zyrtec ever wears off I may be able to do that. But there will be nothing else today, too dangerous. I am not sure I should set any other goals for the rest of the day, just surviving it seems to be a good plan. |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I hope your day gets better. I absolutely cannot take Zyrtec because it makes me a zombie. Can't think, can't react, can't reason, makes me depressed - bad stuff. Thanks for the advice about the shoes. I got a new pair today. I think they will help. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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So, sitting here with a now yellowish slightly swollen tongue, and glands and throat at the worst pain since I woke up today, I am guessing its not the Triscuits. I have, however, started wondering if its the Starbucks. I had that decaf yesterday evening, woke up with sore throat etc this morning. Drank a bit more than usual today trying to fight the "Zombie-Med" and here I am. Shudder to think. It could just be EBV again too but may be worth it to try to get off the Starbucks for a week or two and then try coming back on to it. It could be an additive they use during the roasting or who knows if there is coloring or something added. I've just had dinner and will weigh-in shortly. 734IN/734Net for the day. A little early to be done eating for the night but I am going to try to go to sleep around 8, if that works I should be OK. I hate not doing my toning but what a mess I am. I can hardly stand. OK. Weighed, after dinner as always. 125.5. Sigh. I cannot complain really, I mean, I've been overeating quite a bit recently. This is one drowsy Mol...signing off....nothing else on the to-do list is getting done today, its all about me, rest, reading and then sleep. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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An Interesting End I guess after the 12-hour Zyrtec wore off I woke up a bit. I couldn't bear the thought of another day without toning, I lose it so fast. So, I did it, my full routine, although not 100%. Then I decided to go walk for about 1/2 an hour. Without my usual IPod jammed into my ears, I enjoyed the sounds of the summer evening in the neighborhood. The kids playing softball. Dogs barking. Joking with a young couple with a boxer, the gal carrying her man on her back. The tap-taps of little girls learning Irish dancing, coming from the 2nd floor windows of a school nearby. I elected to go by way of "the" overpass and traffic was thin and really whizzing along. And observing it felt a lot better today. I allowed, and rather forced, the vision of me whizzing along too, getting on that train and speeding off to the airport to move overseas. Leaving behind that overpass and the neighborhood for a few years, getting a sense of what it might feel like to actually be in that moment. And it wasn't terrible. It felt adventurous and fulfilling. I need to go do that more often - and envision - just stay away from it during rush hour. I also did a good deed for a complete stranger and bought a lottery ticket, perhaps my luck will hit. And I just noticed that I can again see L commenting on a mutual friends' posts on the networking site, so he must have changed a blocking setting again. I spoke with him earlier today to let him know he could pickup his mail and his monthly check and he volunteered to bring M-Dog over which means he was set for a lengthy visit and chatting with me. However when I wasn't feeling so great there around 4 ish we agreed to pick another evening. Totals: 734IN/472Net. My throat and glands and ears/swallowing still hurt pretty bad right now. Hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling much improved, and trying to drink a TON of water to flush *crud* out of my system. I will be very happy if I can wake up tomorrow feeling much better. Time for a bath, a little reading and then bed. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well I did wake up feeling a bit more rested, having avoid *snacking* and managing to sleep IN the bed. My glands, tongue and throat were still swollen and I am still generating *crud* from my pink eyes so all around, Mol isn't bouncing back quickly. I guess stemming from the low calorie day, I got into a scone around 11AM and ate the whole thing. It was tasty, but that along with 2 glasses of wine and no exercise leads to 2090IN/2090Net. I hate this heat. I am so run down that I cannot run in the heat it takes to much of me. It was 95 and sultry when I got home. Now it is 83 with a heat index of 86. Perhaps, perhaps, I will go running @ 10. I don't know. I still cannot even put my contact lenses in. Frustrated. Had my first-ever mammogram today which is just one of those things you have to do when you reach 40. I don't mind except I am hating my breasts these days. Fast forwarding, I saw Dr. B today and told talked about getting plastic surgery (which, again, I never thought I'd ever do) and I am pretty much decided its the only way I am going to be free from this prison. The prison used to be fat. Now, the prison is skin. I don't expect to be perfect. I just want to be at least acceptable. I am just generally in a mood. I am worn out. I forgot to take my Wellbutrin all day. Michael's unemployment got denied today and there's just no room for me in the equation; his situation is however, a distraction, like Beth I always want to 'save them all', to take care of everyone else's problems, to see out the neediest people to help; luckily, Michael is very prideful and doesn't want anyone's help - so it forces me to sit back and "que sera, sera". Chris was looking to do wine and dinner tonight, and I hated to say no because I've turned him down for dinner and/or drinks like 3 times in the past couple of weeks, but I may do it tomorrow eve depending on how I am feeling. Dr, B challenged me a bit today, especially after learning about Mike; it was a sparring match over all the guy craziness and what I am really after and why. I think part of it is liberation/experimentation after 15 years and also knowing that I am in likely the "last great phase" of my life in terms of being relatively attractive and youthful and energetic and being able to 'fit in' to the scene. Somewhere in the not too distant future this whole equation will just no longer work; whether its because of age; career; serious relationship with a normal guy; or whatever. It is almost like 'now or never' to experience and experiment and to think that I should adhere to some social norm, which isn't how I feel or want to be right now, right at this point, seems like a wasted opportunity, a path to "what if?". I also think that, having been overweight for so long, that being thin and attractive now is a bit like a drug, when guys are attracted to me it feeds my ego, its intoxicating, I want that fix. So...while she made me think twice about seeing the introverted and somewhat unsettling Jason, I do want to at least go see him and see what he has to offer. My plan is still to see him Thursday unless work or something else (i.e. stupid exhaustion) derails me. I don't think I am going to make it for a run tonight. If not, I'll have to grit my teeth and bear the heat after work tomorrow. Having a snack attack now too. Sigh. I sense peanut butter in my future... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Snack out. Nooobody does it half as good as me.....baby I'm the best.... Rice Cakes+Jif (210) Ham/bleu cheese/tortilla rollup (240) Baba Ganoush (a lot) w/Scoops (260?) Biscuit w/swizzle of hershey's syrup (70) Woo hoo 780. That's not good. Well I am most definitely full NOW.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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As usual when I eat so much so late, I am still up at 1:20AM with no relief in sight. Time for a bit-O-Xanax. My throat is really killing me too. Ian told me tonight about a movie to check out - Donny Darco (sp?). Perhaps I will go see if I can find a trailer or something online. Things are not boding well for a good day tomorrow. I think I need to see the Dr., but its Wednesday, so I probably won't be able to get in. Er. Shiny happy people holding hands. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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It is 2:05. Pathetic. The best I can hope for is a few hours...yeah, my throat still hurts badly too. |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey Mol, hope ya feel better soon! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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Your weight must stay low because you don't eat that much during the day? But maybe if you ate more during the day you would not snack sooo much at night? Just a thought. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK I Admit It. I need to chill out. My throat was on fire this morning along with problems swallowing (read=fire) swollen glands throat etc all as bad as ever. Cannot talk, stayed home all day IMing with the office. So - no, not a Starbucks thing, nor a Triscuit thing...apparently it really is a virus thing. Wanted to wait and see my regular doc Thursday cause I am obviously dealing with a stressed immune system right now, but around 3PM, pain and frustration and reality got the better of me, and I fled to the clinic and got antibiotics. Strep negative. It's a 5-day course of Zythromiacyn (sp?) apparently more of a power punch, since I've been sick for like 4 weeks now. Hopefully I will be much better tomorrow. I think its making my tummy sick though. I did treat myself to some ice cream. I am relieved to have a legit excuse to not entertain Chris this evening cause I really didn't have room for him in my schedule this week anyway. I think Mike might be flaking on me - if he is, it will mean one fewer complication in my life. I am also going to sit back on the Pitch line of interest for a bit. Last night I saw a blurb that a band we both like a lot is coming to town; rather than saying 'hey let's go to this' I just sent the link and said "This should be good." He replied overnight "It should be great. Hope I'm in town." Hmmmm I was hoping for something implying that he wantd to go together. I'll make myself crazy if I try to read to much into every little message we trade but something tells me to just sit back for a week or two and let him initiate the next few contacts. If I allocate my 780 from last night into today, I am at 1135IN (only had a yogurt plus the ice cream). Goals for the rest of the evening:
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I hope you can get some rest and feel better ASAP. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Promotional Plug Thanks Beth and Suenos for your get-well wishes. I am expecting a major difference by tomorrow morning now that I am firing the "big guns" at this bug. As an added bonus, antibiotics = no alchohol. I can sure do without those empty calories.And now for the plug: Marie Callendar's Turkey with Stuffing frozen dinner. Only 350 calories complete with mashed taters, stuffing, turkey medallions, gravy, green beans and a coupla cranberries. Talk about comfort food without blowing out the diet. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm its like Thanksgiving at Mol's house. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Total 1642IN for the day, including the 780 I 'rolled over' from last night. It sucks not exercising. I am just not up to it. The meds are making me dizzy; as it is, I still cannot put in my contacts due to the pink eye/eye drops. OK, so here are the cute earrings my morrocan friend gave me @ Starbucks on Sunday night. I am sure it means something, he had the exact same keychain, I need to do some browsing unless someone can clue me in. I am wearing them right now:  And unrelatedly, this bug was in my house today. Does anyone know what this bug is, is that long black thing a stinger or something innocuous?  I am so drowsy, dizzy, drained, but I gotta get down what just happened. L just called, didn't text, me about coming over to get his stuff. Calling is a good thing, it is a sign of being in a mode to communicate. Anyway, he told me he was getting ready to go into the pool, that he's been using the pool every day since it got nice, he actually bought swim trunks, so I know he's feeling better about his bod. When said he was going to come over tomorrow night to pick up his stuff, I told him it would need to be at a specific time, because I have plans - those plans might be cancelled in which case I could let him know and he could come over - otherwise Friday. He sounded a little funny about me having 'plans' which he knows means 'guy' because normally I would have been more specific and said 'oh I am going to the movies" etc. So, keeping in mind he normally hates conversing on the phone...he then proceeded to tell me how he's going up to the MI house in 2 weeks, first time since April when he brought my stuff home, going to have a house full of people including SB/hubby and some visitng relatives and they are all going to wineries etc. It was just a pang. I know SB/hubby are very careful not to 'pick sides' but that's just such a strong echo of the kind of thing we used to all do together, and just another reminder that L hung on to almost everything of our old life, and I am the one who has had to start over. I let him have everything and don't even want to fight over it. I was dead silent and got the 'HELLO! HELLO!' and finally all I could get out of my mouth was "That was painful". And I don't know if that gave him joy or what but he just ignored that comment and prattled on. So I just said 'have fun' and hung up the phone. Mol fiery emotions zero to 100 in the blink of an eye. I don't know why THAT in particular hurts so much...I guess it was because that was OUR house, that was OUR life, that area is where we planned to retire, trolled for days on end looking @ real estate...that is where such a huge amount of our good, stress-free happy moments were, that is the place where we went from friends to being more...15 years in that house....awwww #%@&!. And now I've hung up on him which probably was unwarranted. I don't think he meant to hurt me, I think he is legitimately excited to have some company and be able to enjoy the house again. But I do hurt now. Unexpectedly. Out of nowhere. KA-BAM! Emotional storm. It will pass soon I am sure. Flaky Mike just texted me twice, I am just not going to deal with it. In fact, I am turning the g*d phone off for the night. |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Hey Mol, Hope you feel better. Don't be to tough on L in this case - maybe he's just a little insensitive. I know I can be totally clueless. p.s. no idea in the bugs... Last edited on 25 June 2009 04:13 am by jackbenimble |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hi Jack, good to see you bud - you too Cindy - thanks for dropping by. I just hopped back on to say I went for a walk/jog to try to get my head clear of the L situation. 2.6M 0.9J/1.7W didn't track time. During said walk, since I always take my phone in case of emergency, I got a text from the gal who is going to sit C-Dog for me over the weeknend, so then I just went on texting for a mile and a half. I told Mike I cannot make tomorrow work, then I told L to come over tomorrow. He agreed, but is terse, I'll work it out tomorrow. The walk/jog didn't cure my pangs of emotion, so I comforted myself with LOTS of food when I got home. ham/bleu cheese sandwich. pb&j sandwich. bread/cheese/olive oil. and more ice cream with syrup. I actually really enjoyed it. What the heck. I am supposed to feel guilty and instead I was so happy that I just let myself feel some real normal emotion, and do a real, normal thing like eat. I mean, that's life right? Suddenly I feel like Renee Zellwieger in Bridget Jones' Diary. Ah, it would really hit the spot to watch that movie right now. I need to go to bed, but I am gonna take some Xanax and then find that first bit on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D0zfB1l1x0 Hmmmm you know, it's dawning on me that there is an awful lot to relate to in this movie...and awful lot...I gotta buy this flick and watch it again. Soon. Who'd have thunk any movie with Renee Zellweiger, Hugh Grant, and Colin Firth would show up in this journal? |
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Terabyte New Member
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are michael and mike the same person? and the stupid top advisor called last night and ignored it. i was playing final fantasy with a much better man!!!! go team!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Terabyte wrote: are michael and mike the same person? Go team!!! I love what you said about making room in your heart TB, it is a simple philosphy yet so true. And no....not the same guy. Michael's the polyamorous gothic comic book artist and super charismatic sexy dude I met back in Feb, the one I am missing....Mike is a computer geek and writer I am just trying to get to know a bit better before I decide if I want to start something up....he's an odd bird but there's some undeniable chemistry going on. I am not magically feeling 100% today, but probably 50% which is way better than 10%. Incredibly dizzy though which is a side effect of those meds...and of lack of sleep. I reset my alarm this morning and then an hour later in an awwwwwsh*t moment leapt awake when I remembed I needed to get CDog to his vet appt. Just barely made it, stopped @ Sbucks for coffee+turkey bacon sandwich, then got to the office it is someone's birthday and I had a donut. I seriously am not being serious right now about my eating an my clothes are starting to fit tighter again. Must do better, I am sure it will be much easier when I am feeling better and eating and exercising regularly. Oh.....and I cannot believe it but I am eyeing a sprint Triathalon coming up in a few weeks but I don't have any swimming training nor much experience and that is probably not enough time to get ready to swim 1/2 mile sprint. I am asking my friends about it today, but I also think that given my sickness it is not a good time to 'overexert myself'. And an amazing thing happened through the networking site last night. A completely random comment by a girl from h.s. who I haven't even yet spoken with, led to some private email exchanges and I had totally forgotten that I had bought her trumpet from her when she went to college. She remember the brand, then I remembered the model, and then I found one just like it for sale on the internet right now which appears to be in good condition, for a decent price, and I am trying to buy it. That would be brilliant. I haven't played in 18 years, but with all the recent h.s. gatherings reunions and memories etc it would be just brilliant to pick it up again. Keeping my fingers crossed... Back to work!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Clockwork First, last nights foodie festival abbundanza is estimated at 1400 so revised totals: 3042IN/2808Net.Today, I pulled off a very carefully constructed time management plan after work and got in a workout of 3.75M 3.4J/0.35J in est. 43:30 in this heat no less, sweating like a pig felt fantastic! No time for toning, alas. I picked up CDog @ 4 and he's still going to be on antibiotics for 2 more weeks. Was a little longer than I expected getting home, Thursday evening traffic in the summer always builds early. I pulled in the alley at 5:17 and knew I needed about 34 minutes to get in a 5K. Peapod was coming between 6 and 8. I bolted into the house, dropped off the dog unceremoniously, stretched for a minute and then got on my way. Nearly done, just as I was going for the last 0.1, I saw the Peapod truck already in front of my house. Stopped, let them in, put away the cold stuff, then proceeded, still sweating, back out to finish and then added a bit more just for the fun of it. Back home again by 6:20, quick chat with the neighbor, then shower, dress, and ready for L's visit at 7. Your Silent Face...or Twiddle Twiddle What a waste of 2 hours. He pretty much sat and didn't and would 't say much. So I asked him why he was there; response "to pick up my check and so you can see M-Dog". And I am thinking to myself - "OK, well that's done, if that's all why don't you leave?" I kept thinking he must want to talk about something or say something but I couldn't get anything out of him. He sat across the room in the recliner the whole time. At one point he remarked, as I tried to get him to comment on my possible job opportunity in Europe, "MY opinion means NOTHING, YOU wanted this divorce, what, did you think we can be FRIENDS? " "Why are you being hostile?" "I am not hostile." "Well that sounded hostile to me." Silence. Nothing. Blank looks. I thought about just asking him to leave so I could get on with my evening, but I kept thinking, hoping, we'd hit on something and there might be something that would come out of it. But nothing. He had his mind made up when he walked in to throw up a wall and keep it there. And he did admit last night, that he was half glad in a way when I was feeling hurt over the Michigan house. So, all the things I try to attribute to L - how he'd never deliberately hurt me, and he will always have my back - they are just wrong, they are just concepts that I hang on to, to justify why I decided to be with this man and stick by him for so long in spite of some serious gaps, someone so far below me on the social ladder, a nice, genuine, good person who just got lost... but the fact is, and I am sad about it, that I might be better off despising him and cutting him totally loose. It just doesn't seem right, but I cannot have him coming over and upsetting my life in this way, either. I guess it must be time to sever, for an undetermined period of time. We barely even said goodbye anyway, I guess that's enough said right there. I will miss M-Dog. But tonight I realized - truly - I don't miss him. I care about him, I want to know how he is doing, I want him to do better but I don't miss him. I am sure he has every right to be bitter, but then, simply, I don't want to deal with him. The Other Stuff Anyway: Today's totals: 1062IN/675Net but that IN includes not only 1 but 2 doughnuts at the office today. Tomorrow I will eat healthier. I have tons of good and green back in the house. Scale after sweating 124 so I think I am hanging in there around 125.5 or so inspite of some severe recent blowouts. I am hitting major peaks and valleys when I have a blowout then try to make up for it, I do end up binging. My strategy for when I make mistakes must be to have a 'normal' next day and not a low day, counting on exercise to eventually make up lost ground. Its a steadier approach and one that has worked over the long run. Just took my 2nd of 5 days of antibiotics and have started on some vitamins recommended by the ob/gyn and the meds Dr. Time to sleep soon. Glad I postponed Mike tonight, I am not rested/healthy enough yet and really, there's no rush. On the networking site, Pitch made a brilliant comment on the picture I posted of the trumpet I am buying: "That is nothing but pure, unadulterated rock and roll in a protective hardcover case." Oh my. My heart fluttered. He really gets it. I remind myself that I am sitting back a bit on this, I know it is the right thing right now...but I can at least do that here in the privacy of my own journal... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hamsa The earrings: http://www.luckymojo.com/hamsahand.html http://www.luckymojo.com/evileye.html So, does my Moroccan friend just give these as a normal courtesy he would do for any girl he liked, or does he see something in me, personally, that he really thinks needs some extra protection...perhaps I will ask him Sunday night... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Awake Not sure why my body decided I needed to be back awake @ 3:15am tonight. Likely hormonal, mid-cycle stuff. It is a bit late to be taking Xanax 'cause I will wake up dopey. No one is around on the networking site so I am left up to my own lonesome. Go to check texts? Nope. Nothing. This is good actually. I like the relative calm and quiet which has spawned from being sick. I just have to keep the isolation from spiraling...and on that front, am looking ahead to a full weekend. Tonight, Friday, probably will stop and see DJ M @#1 and then over to #2. Mike says he is busy until late but I have a feeling he will come over to #2 late if he knows I am there. Of course my usual mates will be out. Sat I am going out to where I grew up for a friends' 40th bash and staying overnight, then Sunday over to my Dad's for his bday. Sunday evening, Starbucks and my Moroccan friend. I am pleased to have an excuse to work from home next Monday because I have to go to nearby traffic court, so it will seem like a longer weekend. Michael had a 2nd interview today but says it didn't go so great. I haven't actually seen him in 4 1/2 weeks now. I do miss him. Tough sh*t though. Nuff of that. I am trying to not snack during this useless late night awakening. I think I'll try to take just a smidget of Xanax and try to go back to sleep. Zzzzzz. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Heal I am immersed in a moment of peace. I often these days am alone in the house. Of course the TV is never on, but often have no radio/music playing either. My evenings, after workouts, dinner and little duties around the house are generally spent on the internet (in this journal, email, or the networking site) or having a small crisis trying to prioritize and organize my ever-expanding to-do list. Most of the time it seems I am emotional for some reason or other, agitated, stressed, melancholy, easily knocked off kilter, generally still treading water. Then once in a while I kick in and things start happening, which leads to getting all charged about feeling good and being productive and full of life and fun...then I take that irresistable ball of life energy out and go on a clubbing and drinking spree that sends me off into the abyss to start over from deep in a hole. Is it intentional self-sabotage or inability to control my emotions? In any event it seems that is my cycle, the cycle I have to recognize and consciously break. I may not make it to the clubs tonight after all. DJ M is not going to be @ #1 after all and the only compelling reason to go to #2 would be to see Mike, who has other plans until late anyway. I am still very far from well. It is a good night for a fire, in fact it would be a darn fine night for a glass of wine by the fire except I cannot have one right now. The meds are making me dizzy but I still want to do toning and go for a run after I digest my dinner. I kindof ate a bit heavy, but healthy, for dinner, and then added a bowl of ice cream so I have to go throw all that in the calculator. I won't be seeing Michael although we talked for quite a bit. He's going to work on his comic book tonight, with the clock ticking he's wigging out about not having landed a job, and the book is his outlet. Ah, how I can relate to that. I am thinking of running over and getting a decaf @ Starbucks but trying first to get my pink eye med refilled. Not working. Perhaps I contaminated the bottle. But I cannot get the darn doctor's office and Walgreens on the same page after 4 hours of trying. Anyway if I head out to WAG/Sbucks perhaps I can rent Bridget Jones' diary and watch that tonight. Out by the fire. That would be nice. We will see what happens. I am tired. I am quiet. I meant to take a nap but lost too much time making dinner talking to EF and talking to Michael. Perhaps I will just lounge here on the couch and go to sleep very early and not do anything.... Zzzzzzzzz |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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Sounds like you feel better! Good! Sorry about the L thing. It wasn't working before you were divorced, so why should it work after the divorce? I'm glad you just moved on to something else and didn't let him push any more of your buttons. I don't know why they always have to try the head games. Vengence, I suppose. Take care! Beth |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well it is a long story but its 12:42AM and I am just starting to watch Bridget Jones via a streaming video site called Graboid Video. Seems to work pretty well and its a free trial. I am in the backyard with the firepit going, and a bunny rabbit sitting near off to my left as Renee Zellweiger swigs a glass of wine and sings "All By Myseeeellllf". Earlier an opossum went skedaddling down the alley. A bit o nature in the big city. I've had another huge midnight snack, if I'd have gotten this movie going 5 hours ago I'd be in bed. No exercise today either too exhausted. Planning a sleep in and then a nice run in the morning. Mike passed on an opportunity to see me this evening, he was tired, but as far as I am concerned (and as Terabyte would tell me if I didn't tell myself) - I am not investing any more energy there. Michael's stress is revealing weaknesses I am surprised and sad to see, I thought he was rock solid, he's regressing and withdrawing and acting to a certain degree like a child. Even my mates didn't check in on me tonight, yeah they know I've been sick but still....and Pitch has been quieter than usual since our fabulous dinner last Friday. So things are way quiet for me right now, compared to recent times, it feels empty but its probably a good place to be. I can focus on my friends and family and to-do's and planning and vacation....and start preparing mentally for what is coming next week, I think some major stuff at work, including not only a potential opportunity in Europe but possibly a reoganization which may affect me. Gonna go watch the rest of my flick, then bed, quiet, calm, contemplative... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I only slept 5 hours but am feeling pretty good this morning. Having some Illy coffee which I'd heard was good but its an expresso coffee and a little bland when just brewed regular. It was worth a try. I got good ol Starbucks on standby and will give the Illy to someone with an espresso maker. Or join them in a cup. Pitch perhaps. ;) I am getting ready to go for what I hope will be an extended run this AM. I am frustrated by still having to wear glasses but the pink eye is much improved this morning, which confirms my theory of having contaminated the old bottle of drops. I drink a little coffee to wake up, then water to hydrate, so I don't dehydrate on the run. Going over to the woods. I'll leave the house around 10ish, I won't have the time to do a 10-miler today - or if I do, I'll push back my schedule for the remainder of the day by about an hour and a half. So guess I will see how much fun I am having. Ooooh I also forgot I need to purchase Decemberists tickets which go on sale @ 10AM. This will all work out pretty well timing-wise. In the meantime, I will start laundry and plan what to pack and to wear for the next day and a half. I want to look good @ J's bday party, going to see some people I haven't seen in a long time, and there will be lots of photos to be sure. Also EF is going to come over to the party since I will be only about 7 miles from her house. Isn't it funny when your different 'worlds' of friends collide. Some people have a big general set of friends who know everyone or could generally all get along. Me, I have specific sets of friends, some of whom might get along, others would be scratching their heads to say 'what does she see in that person'? But me, I like all varieties of people, the more unique, the better. OK - off to start my day, who knows when I will be back. "whether you be glad, sad or bad you've got to know that there's fun to be had" Nitzer Ebb - Fun to Be Had http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fedgPYMuSs&feature=related |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Magic Eraser Back @ the house, quick post - 10.3M 2:12xx estimating 8.3J/2.0W although I have to see if that really adds up. Changed schedules around w/friends but gotta get packed dressed and on the road soon. If I get a minute I am going to put my calories and run into the counter cause I erased some bad stuff today! Yay for the magic eraser. :) |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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Yaeh times 2 for the great eraser! |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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Sorry to hear about the pink eye! I hate wearing glasses too. |
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Terabyte New Member
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you are right--I would tell you not invest any more energy in someone who is not investing it in you. It sucks when it doesn't happen, but then it feels great when someone IS investing energy. Plus, its kind of like a path that is laid out for you, so that you know the right things to focus on because they make themselves heard and known instead of trying to ride a dead horse. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hi guys, and thanks for your messages. I wrote a post earlier from home but for some reason couldn't get on CPH. Perhaps I'll put it up later. I am presently at Starbucks, 3rd week in a row from 8-10 on a Sunday eve. Wouldn't have headed over here except I didn't want to disappoint my Morrocan friend although I suppose I am hardly good company right now. I need to get focused, I planned to come over here and really spend some quality time thinking about what my decision parameters should be about moving to Europe, and planning my trip to Iceland. But all I can seem to do is fight tears. More than likely this is being fed by forgetting my Wellbutrin most of the weekend and eating too much including a large quantity of sugary stuff. I am listening to songs which are fitting my mood, like Jevetta Steele's "Calling You" and Dirty Vegas' "Simple Things". I've eked out the faintest bit of an existence in the past 6 months and while it isn't much, and I could probably pick up and move across an ocean just as easily as anyone, I have a difficult time knowing whether that is the right thing to do. Last year when I was contemplating taking the position in global marketing, the President of the company, in a moment which stripped me bare said "Mol, are you running toward something or running away from something"? Astute. And I don't know what this is. Am I running toward a new life, toward something I really want? Or am I running away from Tormentor, from loneliness, from being lost, in the hope of waking up somewhere else and finding myself in the middle of new life? It doesn't work that way of course, and perhaps I second guess my own motives as an exercise in trying to talk myself out of something which might ultimately make me happy. Mol. Perpetually in a prison of paralysis of analysis. So much for samurai decision making, huh? I guess I don't trust my instincts or rather, I've buried my instincts so deeply especially when it comes to work, career, and my own needs in general, that I've lost how to get in touch with them. I could really use a good cry tonight and much reflection, and instead I am sitting here like a dumba$s waiting for my Morrocan friend to arrive in 27 minutes and take up more of my precious time. But I don't want to stand him up. How much differently I might feel at this point in time if I was receiving particular attention from one of my preferred boys, or if something exciting were happening outside of work, like triathalon training or something with friends, etc., I don't know. This stupid greek boy keeps smiling and making eye contact and saying hi to me from the next table even though I have my IPod jammed in my ears and am tap tapping away. I am so tired of it all.... Where is my center? When and where am I going to find it? And I've just realized that my Ipod has no Velvet Underground which is a shame because that would be good right now. I'm settling for Joy Division "Dead Souls" instead... At least I know when I detox from the clubs and the alcohol I have a better shot at figuring it all out. I wish I could just stay here and stay up all night and just keep going because it is in here, somewhere, it wants to come out...it doesn't want to get lost and stuffed away while I talk to a Moroccan immigrant or while I figure out the million dollar answer for tomorrow morning's call or while I go to mandatory court tomorrow over a stupid traffic ticket. "Life" gets in the way of "LIFE"...I never get to the answers, only more questions... "and so it goes...." |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Back home, and still for some reason I cannot access CPH from my home computer while I can access it from my work computer just fine. However, I really don't like posting or even visiting this site from my work computer. It's weird. I have super anti-gravity firewall protection on my home machine and wonder if the LS evil doers have set the CPH site up to kick out anyone whose domain they cannot recognize as an existing user or something like that. Anyway, my Moroccan friend, who shall henceforth be called Dell, did show punctually, and departed punctually, we spent the time talking more about our backgrounds primarily, he never knew his dad, who died in a motorcycle accident the year after he was born. Brother and sister live in Germany, mom in Morocco still but not any other close living relatives, certainly none here in the states. He has travelled around quite a bit to various countries doing his line of work. He brought some photos and told me a bit about what he likes to do (the beach, and certain nightclubs, not Mol clubs though). He's trying to get me to commit to going down to the lake or to a movie or something but I just keep turning him down and while a little sweet attention is nice, I just don't have the time to be spending on a sweet guy who clearly has no prospects for someone like me. I continue to be blue about not hearing from any of my 'preferred guys' (as I seem to have dubbed them) today, not Jason, not Pitch, and especially not Michael. That last just has an ache to it, but I gotta just let it go. Maybe that good cry out will come soon and help clear my brain of some negative chemicals. I've been on an incredible eating spree, not caring, just wanting to shove it all in and enjoy it as much as possible before accountability returns. In fact, I am about to go get more ice cream. Tonight thankfully is the last night of the antibiotic pills. I can't wait to get off them, they have been dizzying for sure. Bed in a few. Here's to a better (and exciting) week. |
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Terabyte New Member
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for some reason, i feel like the morrocan guy is annoying. is he? |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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MM, if I want a bout of depression, I can't think of a better way to find it than to omit my Wellbutrin and to eat a bunch of sugar. I'm as self-destructive as anyone. I don't know why we do it to ourselves. Re the Europe thing. It just sounds so wonderful to me. Do you have to be running away to change what you're doing to do something more enjoyable? Seems now would be the time. You are single, you'd have a good job, the co. might pay for the move, and if you didn't like it, couldn't you come back? It's your life, but I'd be hopping all over myself trying to make it happen. I'm 55 and I don't feel like I've ever been anywhere and will never get anywhere. I'm apparently washed up in the job market because of age discrimination, the economy and I've laid too low too long to have any real business contacts. It's my own fault. I'm stuck in MS because of family and other asinine responsibilities. It's my own fault. I spend too much time thinking about the what ifs.... Is that how you want to end up? Just passing along my knack for throwing opportunities away. Most of what I've thrown away was because I was chasing a man, looking for a man, living with a man, etc. I figure I owe most of my mistakes to hormones. It never occurred to me that I could move them (hormones) to a more interesting locale and that the oportunities might not always be there. I guess I thought I'd be young forever and could always just grab what I wanted. NOT! Well, it's off the soap box and on with the day. This website has been screwed up for at least a week. The daily plate is jumping days and is very, very slow. I don't know w hat is going on. Seems like this site was ok until today. I'm seeing these strange lines on my posts. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Ahem. Challenge weigh-in 129. OK now for the good news(s). It may not be perfect, but I came up with a solution for todays' conf call which was 'a good start' and supported as initially written by the team after debating pros cons and alternatives. I then cruised into court where in a true act of justice, the judge called everyone's name, got us all standing then called me first, said 'charges dismissed, leave by the front door'. Umm it went so fast my head spun. Apprently there are more important cases to hear than my little trumped up moving violation ticket. Yay. And here is the big one. I Have An Answer. In spite of those good things the depression and isolation was following me around, as my text remained silent and I know Michael's not even thinking about me any more...and then of course tomorrow is the day I should be hearing about a bone fide job opportunity overseas and my head felt so unclear. I've lost control over my eating and my desire to feel sexy. I haven't done toning in a week. I am still walking around with glasses on. I needed to go for a run. Then in a burst of inspiration, on what was a pretty darn nice day...I checked office email one more time, then grabbed all my work stuff, the Book of Mol, and headed for the lakefront with my running gear on. One way or another I had to do something, I had to make progress, I couldn't just sit in my den, I needed to have some experience, something, some movement... I went to Mol's hill, that special place on the lakefront where I can sit up on a slope and see water, beach, boats, shoreline, famlies, people doing all sorts of activities, mexican food vendors with their little carts, grass, trees, rocks, waves....I grabbed a blanket out of the back of the car, put the IPod back on Jevetta Steele's "Calling You" [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk7mCmgzpPE] ..and finally the tears just came in buckets. Finally. I needed that. I must have listened to it 1/2 dozen times while I opened the Book of Mol and started writing. It was some amazingly good stuff today. About why music is so pivotal to me and my purest form of expression because it is not tainted with filters, of pleasing people or acceptance seeking, or any of those terrible self-effacing thought processes I have which are so ingrained I barely can see them. About how I saw with my 'mind's eye' that day when I was with Dr. B with my palms screwed into my eyeballs for 45 minutes, when the deep truths came welling out; how unusual, how rare it is for me to channel thoughts and emotions from the depth in their pure forms. That is the 'me' I want to be in touch with, because if I don't really know me, than no one does or ever will....I will blow away like dust in the universe and my eulogy will be some irrelevant innocuous drivel... If you have ever seen the movie Baghdad Cafe, you will realize the significance of the song and of this movie to me right now. If not - I suggest you rent it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagdad_Caf%C3%A9 This vacationing German couple is touring in the dusty deserty middle of nowhere - the guy is emotionally abusive and the wife finally has had enough, she gets out of the car with nothing except a suitcase and a thermos of coffee...and starts a new life in a foreign country knowing no one, not even the language. Its not easy and she has to work hard to overcome prejudices, make friends, fit in, it is painful, but eventually she becomes a positive influence in establishing a happier little community among the folks where she has landed, achieves love, fulfillment, friends, happiness...all because she got to the point where she was so unhappy, she took a gamble that ANY potential path forward was better than the life she was living. And that is me. That is the divorce. And that is why - deep breath - I came out of that introspective session with an answer. Yes. Yes to moving and working overseas. Moving overseas isn't the final destination. It is simply the final act which will catapault me forward, away from the past and things weighing me down, and forward into a new time, where I will be free to explore, and to be me, without all the preconceieved expectations, ideas, etc which exist today. Three years is a long time and I might prefer something shorter, for starters, but YES I will go if it is a job I am interested in. It just may be the gift opportunity of a lifetime. And to think that I cannot come back if I am really unhappy - is wrong thinking; I am not a slave, I may have to pay my own way back but I can do it. I will not be a prisoner. On the contrary, I will be free, free, free, free, free, from a lot of the past, mistakes, negative stuff - and the people who really matter, will still be there for me. Oh there's a lot more but hopefully this is an interesting synopsis. I did update my status on the networking site a couple of times ending with a "The Answer Is Yes" and throwing out a general invitation for anyone willing to meet up for a beer. I didn't hear from anyone (not really a surprise because I could only think of a couple of people who might have been in the area) so I went to my (and L's) favorite mexican place, sat in the corner of the patio outside, and had a glass of Sangria and some fabulous shrimp for dinner. When I finally arrived home, I saw that Pitch had commented on my post about he and his friend would have come, but they have hockey tonight. It was good to hear from him in any event. I still cannot log into CPH from my home computer. I tried futzing with it again tonight and cannot figure it out. Frustrating, but will have to try again soon. Wish me luck in my meeting tomorrow, cannot wait to find out what my boss has in mind. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I was about to report not heinous totals for the day but ended up getting into the food again while I was busy staying up too late taking Wellbutrin and arguing with my internet provider about the CPH weirdness. Rice cakes+PB&J (270); Scoops (100), Brownberry Bread/Cheese sandwich (240), ice cream w/syrup (300) = 910. I did toning earlier plus 3 mile workout along the lake and am at 2550 or so net. Good grief. Beth, the 1/2 of me that wants to be good has left the building. HELP!! |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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MM, Good!!!! It sounds your head is twisting around to the front so you can look forward and move forward. Congratulations!!!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Beth wrote: MM, Good!!!! It sounds your head is twisting around to the front so you can look forward and move forward. Congratulations!!!!! LOL. I love that, and love you for saying that Beth. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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My lunch meeting with my boss didn't occur and he has now scheduled me for a late day meeting tomorrow. Which usually is a sign of not good news. In any event, a bit more time to prepare for it. Meantime, I am back online with my internet service provider trying to figure out why I cannot get to CPH on my home machine. He cannot get to it either, so , feeling fat and motivating for a workout after this (toning and at least 2 miles my leg muscles are still weak), and then having a salad for dinner. I had 10 (at least) mini Reese's peanut butter cups. My tummy is absolutely blubbery right now, I look and feel like crud. And no wonder. 5 pounds- FIVE POUNDS - I have put on. Pffffffft. Time to get back in charge. Heard from Michael, his unemployment appeal was granted. At least he bothered calling me to leave a message before I read about it on the internet. But, nothing about seeing me. Tough time with Dr. B today, I am not really comfortable talking about it until I get my home computer up and running. Bogus, these problems with the site. And I am freaking tired of being dizzy! I thought it was the antibiotics but now suspecting it has something to do with the vitamins I started taking per doctors instructions. I read somewhere today that some brands may not be all natural, have additives and food colors and therefore some people can be sensitive to them. And I just finished with my ISP who wasn't able to help me and time is a wasting. This is really distressing because I HATE not being able to use my home computer. Last edited on 1 July 2009 12:32 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I've done my toning and had an approximate 3 mile workout, not great, couldn't really get going. Took a different route so I could get some Pepcid for CDog and then swing by SBucks but I decided against going in and getting a decaf because I might be tempted to purchase something to eat and also I wanted to try to run a bit more, not walk the rest of the way. I am trying to skip dinner altogether. I have found that when I tend to eat this late I have an extremely difficult time limiting myself to something small, and a binge ensues. Anyway my tummy feels flatter now and I like that feeling, I am goind to savor it. Its 9PM and I am still wrestling with the internet issue. My ISP has given up. I am nearly at my wits' end myself. Kindof makes me wonder...if this happened to other people and they didn't have access to another computer - they would think CPH was gone forever. Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I started getting a stronger urge to eat and then I remembered my Sleepytime Tea which can be an effective snackbuster since it is flavorful with no calories. Mmmmmm just the ticket and the warmth in my tummy is pleasing. I am in RMM now, having been on the networking site for the past 30 minutes while waiting for an IE update to dowload and install. Michael was on the networking site at the same time, I suppose it is possible he didn't see me on chat but I did see a flirtatious public exchange between him and another gal, then he wandered off and played a game. Well, if I'd have kept emotions out of this in the first place, I wouldn't be feeling jealous and shoved to the curb like I am at this moment. Anyway, I am PROUD that I am doing good RMM. I haven't flown off the handle and done any texting or eating or anything. Yep, all the warning signs - buzzy face, light head, tunnel vision but not too bad and I am going to be stronger for getting this one successfully under my belt. Back to the basics...managing emotions 101...experience them, observe them, then let them pass. Breathe deep...exhale....deep...exhale...and think about positive people, places, events, and the possibilities ahead which will open up as I move on.... |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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I know what you mean Moll. I had my momentS of anxiety yeasterday and I'm seeing if I could just sit back with my mouth shut and just let things play out I would be so much better for it. And hear I am 45 with 7 children! I guess we are always learning! |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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mollymoo24 wrote: Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back... Im still here Mol. |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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mollymoo24 wrote: Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back... Im still here Mol. |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey Molly, Just had the urge (????) to drop by and offer ya a virtual hug and tell ya that I was thinking about ya during my run this morning and it hit me how tough this entire last year has been on you mentally, emotinally and physically - and I totally admire your strength in just keepin on....it just sorta struck me that you're pulling your little red wagon all by yourself - never a time when you've been able to really depend on anyone else to say 'wow, you must be really tired/stressed/worried, you rest and I'll pull the weight for a while".... you really are a tremendous woman deserving of the absolute best! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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What suenos said times 2 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Awww Cindy, Doug and Suenos, thanks for thinking of me and dropping in. It is so nice to hear from you and I really appreciate the support. XOXOXOX Yesterdays totals: 921IN/621Net. 3M 2J/1W didn't time it. I stayed in control last night and didn't snack or binge, got a decent nights' sleep, my tummy feels better now and my nekkid weight this morning was 125.5 so I at least feel like I am back in the right direction. Did fairly well with the RMM last night...it was nice waking up and not feeling bloated and yucky from the night before, and my quality of sleep I think was better, I slept through solidly. Today RMM is continuing for sure, focusing on maintaining control. Had a pretty normal brekkie, subbed in less bread and 1/2 a banana which was calling my name. I have to get off and stay off this high and get focused on preparations for this afternoon's meeting. I am turning off my office phone and my mobile phone, and disconnecting from the internet so no possible surprises can throw me off kilter. Hopefully when I next post, I will have something exciting to talk about. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am being offered a chance to go work in Europe for 2 years based out of our UK office. It would involve significant travel within Europe - Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Netherlands regularly. This would be started by the end of this year. It likely would not be a promotion but would be advantageous financially since they give you a housing allowance and a company car. I would hope for some form of salary increase if I can swing it. I could also push to do the work but structure it differently under my current job; I have concerns that adding to my current responsibilities without taking some things away will be simply too much. I am at a defining fork in the road of my life. I am 40 years old. I am single. I have a small house which can probably be rented easily and not a real huge amount of posessions to put into storage. I've always had an affinity for the UK and I know people who have lived there previously, and will put me in touch with new acqaintances. It is probably the defining moment of my lifetime. I am nervous as all heck but it is starting to seem real...and when I force myself to look ahead to what 'could' be, compared to 'what is', it seems like a pretty good gamble to take. More later...I gotta go to Starbucks and just think for a while. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK spent nearly 2 hours working @ Starbucks and then I don't know where all the time has gone. I am still up - nearly 3AM and I have to be back up in 3 hours. I had some important things to do, like figure out how far the office would be from London and whether I might be able to live in London proper (seems unlikely). And of course I had to look up the Starbucks locator. Because, while one cannot let a coffee brand rule their life, it would be so comforting wouldn't it to have one nearby...dreamy... Yesterday's totals: 1895IN No workout. I had a ham/cheese baguette @ Sbucks and didn't realize I was quite so over, so I added a packet of fruit/nuts which was healthy but still 400 more calories. Eh, who cares. What is more important is that here @ 3AM when I finally started crashing off, I once again slipped and went binging - 499, which I am going to just count toward today. I was tentatively going to get together with Chris tonight but now with lack of sleep that seems unlikely. I got a hold of Pitch earlier when I was completely wigging with excitement and turns out he has a job change cooking for himself as well, so we are hoping to meet up this weekend over a glass/bottle of wine and talk. I also spoke with Michael today and he is in a better mood and talking about getting out once he gets some money in the bank, but I am not sure where I fit in those plans; he knows I want to see him and he knows I can see him this weekend and what he chooses to do from here on out...well...I guess from this point if he doesn't do anything he has to go by the way of Jason, whom I also haven't heard from since Friday and am refusing to initiate anything further. I guess none of it really matters any more anyway, if I am leaving, except for Pitch. He's the only one I know will keep in touch with me and will care regardless of where in the world I land. He's truly a spectacular guy. OK bedtime!! Tomorrow is another big day. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Yep that was 'fast sleep'. Back at the office, I already had egg, bacon(2) and instead of dry wheat toast I had a scone so that would probably put me about 200-300 calories left for the whole day. If the scone puts me on a carb roller coaster, which it probably will, I am in trouble calorie wise. However, I just need to stay focused again today. This helped yesterday so: Turn off phone & cell phone. Log off and stay off email and the internet. Stay focused, keep interruptions to a minimum, and be productive like crazy!! |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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Wow! Congratulations Mol! Europe would be so amazing! I can relate about the carb roller coaster. Once it starts it sure is hard to stop! Keep up the good work though, it sounds like your very focused and you definently know what you want. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Brilliant Yesterday (Thursday) was a tough day. Not only was I working on 2 hours of sleep, but I had a few meetings in the AM where I needed to be 'on my game', one of them was a surprise; Tormentor scheduled it and intentionally left me out of the loop and I crashed it anyway; ended up making 2 important points which I'd brought up last week only to be ignored; the VP (Tormentor's boss) seized on them and ordered that we do some further analysis that I'd recommended all along. It turns out I may have caused myself some unexpected trouble. Apparently my boss had a meeting midafternoon with said VP about planning ahead, organizational change, and the VP told my boss that they cannot let me leave for Europe in 6 months because no one is ready to replace me. And they don't want to hire from the outside to have to replace me either, because it would be too expensive. All of which I agree with, but the compromise the two of them discussed was to try to streamline my work here in the US down to 60% and spend 40% in Europe. Which means, I stay here, do two jobs, and take 10-14 days trips overseas, overseeing an analyst in the UK. Now, while this surely could be a promotion I am not sure I have it in me to go back to 80 hour+ workweeks, taking conference calls at all hours to accommodate schedules on 2 continents. Even if I DO have it in me, it is not what I want. I have a personal life now, and I am not giving it up. I also don't trust the VP completely - he may very well have other plans down the road for himself or other team members and has a history of orchestrating things to get his favorite people ahead and exactly where he wants them. If I asked him to tell me straight to my face that there was no ulterior motive, I could read his body language and know for sure. So when my boss delivered this perspective he called "new information" to me at 4PM, I was pretty upset. Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you. And then when asked for my reaction, I just said "The scenario you are describing, is not appealing to me." I was upset, yes, but in an ephiphany I realized that I hold a tremendous bargaining chip right now - ME. And then we both agreed that there is no one ready to replace me and that problem needs to be solved, that will be another 18 months to 2 years before someone else is ready to run my team and this European assignment needs to get going much sooner than that. Over 2.5 hours we brainstormed some possible solutions and compromises and may have reached one which will work. So now, this holiday weekend, which I need to relax and blow off steam and try to connect with people, and catch up on 'things' I am going to be spending working on solutions, org charts, presentation materials, and strategizing how to obtain an outcome which would make me and others happy. And defining just what would make me happy - happy enough to stay; happy enough to move to Europe. My demands are not large at all, and the priority is quality of life versus money, prestige, power, or title. But as I told Steve, its like Wednesday I jmentally jumped off the cliff and parachuted away from my miserable job to an exciting new opportunity; why would I want to stay in a position where I feel unwanted and unappreciated and downright hated; I am worn out all that and I have so much to offer and am excited about being part of a new team where I know I can really contribute. I just don't want to work 80+ hours per week. Let's see if I can figure this out. I am at a point where I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by making a change, and leaving the company is definitely an option - economy or no - because I am, after all, brilliant. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Just to cover this in a separate post, I also ate whatever I wanted yesterday. Steve was in the office with another client and had lunch with me so he could get current and offer some advice. I had more than planned for lunch (500); mini bagel dogs, ketchup, hummus and baked scoops for dinner (650?) and believe it or not, got dressed up and went out with Chris to #3 for a couple of hours diet cokes and a Guinness bottle (150?). Then I came home and snacked on a ham/cheese tortilla, pico and scoops (400). So that is 1700 on top of what I'd already had so probably 1400 or so more calories than I wanted. Well, I want to do toning and a nice run (if my ankle agrees) or otherwise a nice bike ride today, and really really would like to get in a Super Sunday this weekend. 10 miles ROCKS! I really want to get my home computer access to cph fixed. This is a problem. I think my spyware blocker or firewall is objecting to some of the ad sites which demand media has added. I don't know. I've invested possibly 6 hours already trying to get it fixed. I am not having problems with any other sites. Anyways I took some pics last night of my new boots on and I thought they looked pretty good for a 40 year old hag. I am hoping to catch up with everyone's journals soon, this community has been such an important part of my life for a year and a half now, I seem to go spiralling into a dark place from time to time, and then come up for air and catch up with everyone. But the journalling is teaching me a lot about me and my tendencies, and it is really cool to have been pretty open here, to say things that I could never express openly or adequately i/r/l, and have had so much input, advice, support, and friendship. My voice is in my head and on paper, and doesn't come out through my mouth. Does that make sense? It is unfortunate in a way, because it makes it difficult for people, even my friends, to know me well i/r/l. I haven't figure it out quite, I think its a social anxiety thing, or perhaps its just growing up in a family where you just didn't talk about things. Maybe that's it. Or both. My mom never talked about her childhood (or about anything, for that matter). Tough as nails, never let on about disppointment or difficulty. Regarding her childhood, I got bits and scraps only twice from her and bits from other people, even a bit recently from my Dad. Her own father committed suicide, she and her older brother were in foster care, which she called the time in her childhood when she was happy; her mother remarried, 2 more kids, abuse, poverty, messed up etc. She married to get out of the house, had my brother, got divorced within a year, then eventually married my Dad. She never talked about ANY of that stuff. Her older brother, my uncle, went to prison and we kids/cousins never learned why until we were adults, it was just not talked about. She never admitted to being out of love with my dad or wanting to leave though it was painfully obvious to everyone that the marriage was dead. My mom's way of dealing with the birds and the bees was to hand me a book and to read it and come talk to her if I had any questions. My dad never talked about things either, he just worked, and did his own stuff, and was around but not personable. My brother didn't tell anyone about being gay until he told me when he was like 26. Two more years before mom was told and then another 2 years before dad was told. The topic was implicitly forbidden and my dad refused to come to my brother's formal commitment ceremony to his partner, just a few months before my mom died. No one ever talked about their feelings, or what they really thought, EVER. I was an avid reader all through childhood. Hours and hours everyday It makes sense that the written word has become my outlet. That is something. That is progress. If I can just learn how to talk i/r/l, to break down the barriers, it will open up all kinds of new opportunities for fun and friendships with people, I am sure. I just was thinking again about parachuting in to a foreign, english-speaking country for 2 years. I mean, how cool is THAT? I look around at my house, my 'things', my yard...yes I would miss 'the familiar' but how quickly we adapt and other people and places become 'familiar' too...my whole life and friends and familiar places have completely changed in less than 12 months, more like 8 months...and it gives me all the confidence in the world that moving overseas would be a tremendous experience for growth and happiness, and just living this life. I've developed a saying lately, Don't let "life" get in the way of "LIFE!". Amen. And on a final note, out of Monday's journaling session on the hill overlooking Lake Michigan - Santogold - "I would say I hope it will be worth what I give up". I believe that it will. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jn4qoX2iWI "Change, change, change, I want to get up out of my skin tell you what if I can shake it I'm 'a make this something worth dreaming of" |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A short recap and then I must head to bed. Wasn't very productive this morning. Eventually started functioning around 11 and saw Walker who came for CDog and he actually is interested in taking CDog if I move. Then my trumpet arrived ; I made some remarks on the networking site which Pitch responded to and then he invited me over for grill and chill this evening. I walked over to the music store to purchase a cleaning kit, and then jogged over to the bike store to pick up the gloves they special ordered, then jogged up to the dollar store to get a couple of things. Came home, got the trumpet cleaned up, rammed in the mute and with anticipation, started playing. I thought I would be dreadful but was pleasantly surprised. I phoned Andrew who was my trumpet buddy in h.s. and he was excited as all get out and wants to get together and play soon. After that, quick shower/dress/makeup and off to Pitch's. Another fantastic evening, red wine, grilled veggies, steaks and butterflied shrimp on the barbie, tons of companionship and...that's it. Sigh. We did have a slight friendly argument on which one of us is the most off kilter though, that was kindof funny. Zen would have appreciated it. Well I fell asleep a bit after 10 without posting the above, reflecting how tired I really was. I see Chris texted me around 10:30 to status check and I just got back to him 3.5 hours later. I will head back to bed for part 2 of "sleep" but not before documenting that I ate probably another 1300 calories after I got home and gotta stop eating so much. OK...sleep now. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Liberty 11 hours of sleep last night and I woke up feeling really good. I went for a 15 mile bike ride (1:06:04) and then a 2.5 mile run (29:38) immediately thereafter. My friend S says the triathletes call this a 'brick' because your legs feel like that when you make an immediate transition from bike to run. It wasn't bad, I actually rather liked it because running is easier when your heart rate is already going. Plus, I am sure that it wasn't as difficult as it might be; since I bike in the city I get red lights and the like I am not able to really put in a hardcore biking workout. I ate a nice rewarding midafternoon 'dinner' of pasta with grilled turkey italian sausage and chicken. My legs are feeling the burn a bit but in a good way. It is an awesome feeling. As I was riding back up from Diversey harbor, and past the Belmont area I was struck with the double meaning today of the word "Liberty". Liberty as in the 4th of July, the Declaration of Independence, and the sacrifices people made 200+ years ago so that our country became free. Then I transitioned to thinking about my own liberty now, how I can bike and run and have health and strength and motion which was absent for nearly 15 years. How I am no longer encumbered by a marriage and a husband which were holding me back. How I can do what I want, go where I want, and when I want, and am accountable to only myself. I am truly fortunate, because so many people will live the rest of their lives not knowing this kind of freedom, this opportunity to really live life to its fullest. I've shaken the doom and gloom, and yesterday realized that I am pretty darn close to being 'happy' with my life right now. And I felt it again today, too. They say that time heals and that is true, I feel like I've reached a turning point where I am looking ahead more than looking behind, where I am more confident and more in control, and better able to appreciate the very good people and things in my life. I have to acknowlege the fact that this balance comes at a time where I've been away from the clubs and drinking for the most part, away from the guy craziness, and focused on my future. It is the chicken and egg again, but certainly there is a correlation. If the rain doesn't stop it will be a slight damper on the evening, I was planning to have a firepit in the yard with a movie and a bit of red wine. However, I can still enjoy movie/wine inside or perhaps I will mosey on over to the little pub/cafe down the street for a bit. Everyone has their own plans going on for the 4th but I am spending it on my own. I am not bothered really by being absent from the annual 4th of July picnic, which includes about 15 from the old 'club circle' but is hosted by L's best friend. I guess I've been prepared mentally for it for a while. I think hanging out with Pitch last night really helped me to keep from feeling lonely. Later I should count cals and exercise and try to get back in that habit after a couple of 'whatever' eating days. 127.5 is today's weight although I will check later as per usual before posting my final Challenge weigh in. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Get Straight. Go Forward. Move Ahead...It's Not to Late, To Whip It. Whip it Good. So, I woke up at 1:15 in the afternoon today and if this isn't the sign that I needed to get straight, then I am hopeless. Yesterday I spent about 4 hours in Starbucks mapping out org charts etc to try to make a case to support me going on this assignment. I wasn't nearly done, but I was ready for a break so I headed home, stopping at Jewel to pick up some more of the fab pinot noir which Pitch and I had on Friday evening. Chris had texted me while @ Starbucks and I decided to go ahead and tell him to come over for a bit around 9ish. "I'll be there in 7" he replied and he was, with barely enough time to start picking the place up. Anyway he consumed most of a bottle of white, and I, most of a bottle of red. When he first came over I had no intention of going out. I was tired, in a good way, full of exercise, fresh air, and hard work and prospects for the future. 3 hours later full of wine and listening to tunes on his IPod, I got wired up and decided to go out to #2 with Chris. So...I was going pretty well when I got there and it just got worse. To make a long story short, Michael was there, having decided last minute to come out with a couple of friends. One should never try to discuss or diagnose complicated interpersonal matters after drinking and in a loud crowded nightclub setting, and especially without planning what one has to say on the subject. I was totally stupid. Actually, I give Michael credit for not just turning his back on me and walking away. Now, I am not all that upset about making an idiot of myself with Michael. Because of course, I wasn't getting much if anything out of that relationship any more (even though he insists he has just not been talking to anyone since he lost his job). But what I am upset about is that I was totally not in control of my actions; that I stayed out until close and consequently didn't get home until 5AM; I've lost most of this gorgeous day; my balance state is wrecked and I am dizzy, not in condition to go running or work on my proposal or even talk to anyone. I sabotaged myself. I started out just wanting a little company and a glass of wine and it turned into 8 hours not counting the physical, mental, and emotional aftermath to deal with. So yeah, Mol, get your freaking head out of denial, and take a good hard look at yourself today, what you did, and how you got here. Don't forget this. Learn Mol learn. Other tidbits for the journal, it turns out Chris' dad has worked with the next door neighbor for almost 20 years, they know each other. I did do a lot of dancing last night and that was fun. Good dj back in rotation and playing all stuff that I like. That bodes well for Saturday nights, although next Sat is an event night which is going to be super crowded. I am having my Starbucks right now in the back yard under the shade of the pine trees while typing this. The sun is shining brightly, the greens are really green, the blue sky is really blue, punctuated by white puffy clouds, the birds are chirping - loudly - and the neighbors are splashing around in their pool. It is a crying shame that I am not absolutely enjoying every brilliant vibrant second of this day to the fullest. I cannot believe it is already 3PM. I'd better get my game plan together for the rest of this day and make a heroic comeback. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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No worries mol, I have complete faith in you. An occasional slip up is human. I know you beat yourself up over it because that's not how you want to be, but that's why you ARE in control, because you realize the slip up, make adjustments and grow from mistakes. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thanks Once for your supportive words. Its nearly 6PM now and I am still dizzy and haven't gotten anything done. I am nearly in tears because I've sabotaged myself and don't have this proposal together and cannot think straight. I am on the verge of failing myself on the biggest opportunity that may ever present itself for carving out a better life. Stupid girl. Stupid alchohol. Stupid boys. I got an email from Michael a few hours ago and wasted nearly 2 hours working up what ended up being a short response. I suck. I want to continue a relationship with him but we are differing in our wants and needs at this point. I cannot bear the thought of being 'just friends' or worse, just another girl he says 'hi' to when he sees me at the clubs. And it seems that 'just friends' is where he is at. Well I gotta put it out of my head for now. One thing to cry about at a time, please. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Digging Out I am fighting the rising tide of panic to be sure and will stay up all night to get something good put together. Do the best I can do. Dell phoned but I am not doing my sojurn to Starbucks this Sunday eve. I told him next week. He wanted to try to get together during the week but I don't have time for that unless I go for coffee or something. I don't have time for boys I am not interested in dating. I was feeling pretty blue about my horrid self and how I've completely made a mess out of things with Michael, I keep checking for an email back from him with the hope that he will agree to get together and talk soon; and then I just got a picture text from Pitch of a sunset over the lake where we grew up and it was a little 'scoop up'. I considered reaching out and calling him to talk, because he's been facing some of the same demons that I have recently, and would understand where I am at today - but I don't need to pollute that too. Instead, I just sent back a compliment and 'Life is Good'. Which it is. And I want to keep things with him on an up note. I need to put things back into perspective - the one and only thing wrong with my life at all right now, is that I am letting alcohol wreck it. Period. My one true demon and I am going to wrestle it to the ground. Effective immediately - I am going "Dry for the Month of July." Just a short term goal for now. After writing that, I just realized, this puts me smack in the middle of the class reunion party at the end of the month without my social crutch. GOOD. Yay!!! It sucks to think I may have to give alcohol up entirely and permanently but duh, sheesh, I keep doing the stupidest things because my brain just starts going "more more more". I am seeing a clear pattern of wrecking relationships and losing people's respect due entirely to my drinking-related behavior at the clubs, and people and relationships and oh and self-respect are wayyyy more valuable than drinking. In my case, it appears to be a choice between one or the other. Chris just invited me to sushi with Ian and Carlton at 9:45 tonight. Even if I didn't have this proposal to be working on, what in the world would I be doing going out for dinner this late on a Sunday night? I cannot afford to be hanging out with those night owls unless its during "my" hours. I need to get going back on my work and hope at least to get in a nap some time tonight. I am already freaking tired that is for sure. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Its 7:30AM on Monday, I got up @ 3 then laid on the couch until 4 then got up and was in the office by 5. The sun coming through the windows is bloody ugly. My eyes are slits, my brain isn't working and the coffee is not having the necessary effect. It seems important to record my misery for posterity. Cause maybe eventually it will sink in if I keep seeing it here in black and white. I don't have this proposal figured out. The reason is, because it won't work the way I want it to. I really seems that I have a choice between going to 80+ hour work weeks again with a probabe promotion and intensive travel, or giving up the thought of Europe entirely. Crud. |
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suenos Moderator
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Hey chica! Sorry for the present low. You already know that itwill pass...cause everything, good or bad, eventually does...and like Once said, nothing good ever comes of beating yourself up - unless you're into bruises. But ya know. the "pattern" you've pointed out is the same one you've noted several times in the past...just a couple weeks ago you mentioned something about deciding to limit yourself to a specific number of drinks a day/week...and a couple times before that I think you had simlar plans, and once (months & months ago) to go cold turkey for a certain period. I'm just thinking that sometimes, no matter how strongly we feel about keeping them at the time, when the remorse is still tangible, making resolutions without outside support might just not work. Sorta like eating too much at a single meal and feeling like #%@&! and declaring (when the tummy is still full) "OMG, I'll never do that again"...um, yea, until next time. If you're seriously ready (and willing, and seriously see the need) to break the drinking/bad decision connection...it might be time to go beyond resolutions and decide if you have a problem that requires assistance beyond trying to use sheer willpower to control. I dunno...it's probably easy for me to say 'cause drinking just isn't one of my "things"...it honestly would make no difference to me if I never had another drink in my life - I don't think it's a "character" thing though...seriously, I have such an addictive/compuslive/impulsive personaliy it's fairly amazing that drinking isn't an issue. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Another Slow Recovery Well today was a brutal day at the office. From being physically unwell and emotionally on the dark side. I am not liking what is presently on the table in front of me at work, the thought of 80+ hour weeks along with overseeing people and participating in important business issues on 2 continents just isn't what I had in mind. I am trying to restart a life here. I don't want my life to become work again, in fact, it is like a doomsday scenario to move to England and face this wall of work on 2 continents 6 hours apart. There seems to be an exquisite hurry to put a proposal on the President's desk on Wednesday morning, when we don't have inputs from people I want to get input from. Behind the scenes, it seems the deck is getting shuffled in a major way. The defining moments are here. On the way home from work, I was still really lousy in all respects and instinctively and without premeditation reached out to L. We had a short conversation which I pretty much had to do all the work. Then a few minutes later I was surprised that he called me back and suggested we go to dinner @ our favorite Mexican. I took him up on it, I wanted the comfort of his 'good will' which seemed to be flowing. After dinner he came in for a bit and he sat on the end of the couch which was an invitation to come lay down with my head in his lap and hold each other. Anyone care to guess where this story heads next... Anyway, I feel and felt better actually, with some intimacy and companionship taking my mind off things for a bit. I would have love to have had him stay longer but I had to get a hold of Steve and get his read on where things are and any ideas he might have. He gave me some great pointers (set expectations low, so you can over achieve and preserve some quality of life; express enthusiasm but temper with reality; be honest about what can be achieved and what your value system is (i.e. quality of life)). EF also just called and I told her about my crazy mixed-up ness since the bender on Saturday night. I am much better after all this comfort, advice and companionship, we had some good laughs. Suenos, thanks for the gentle kick in the rear. I am not sure what is going to work for me but I must take a more proactive approach to management. You are completely right about making resolutions while the regrets are strong and then not sticking with them later. I talked with L tonight about my problem because I wanted his perspective and observations. He confirmed my recollection that while there were a countable number of major one-night 'benders' during our relationship, they were reasonably isolated(boat cruise, New Years' party; certain events out of town). It was not until November and the divorce and D did all the pattern abuse re-emerge, the pattern which was last seen late in college post-Cosmic-Meltdown guy and for the ensuing year or two. Stability and structure came into my life, and the drinking stopped. Stability and structure are now missing and I am careening. But I see clearly that I do 'have the gene' as Dr. B would say. There is no doubt in my mind. It hit me in talking to L too, I cannot believe that I've been doing this now for 8 months. Wow. That's a long time. Definitely not just a post-divorce rough patch. And again looking at the relationships I've smashed, time and energy I've wasted, it's not just stupid, it paints me a fairly tragic light. I don't want my life to be tragic, I want to be someone who contributes something to the world, some legacy, some art, some poetry, some music, some sunlight, some inspiration, some good. While talking with EF I identified tonight that Chris is an enabler for me and I need to see if I can turn him into an ally - if not, I can't hang out with him. I am going to look and see what local support group I can try out. I can at least give it an opportunity to help. On a more optimistic note....Mol. XOXOXOXOXOX |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I Love Sleep The difference a sleep makes, I suppose, along with good advice and support. Feeling much better this morning, the job thing doesn't feel quite so overwhelming. I want to note that Saturday night, inviting Chris over was the step that led to the downfall. I was tired at that point, after 4 hours straight in Starbucks wracking my brain and putting together org charts for a scenario that was about to ruin my life. It was a total impulse to get back and tell him to come over for a bit and some wine before he went to #2. I seem to get impulsive, lose control, and not think straight when I am tired - just like my binging and drinking. All good to build my awareness of. It's going to be a very busy day, but I am feeling up to it and have that glint in my eye again. Staff meeting this morning, followed by a welcome lunch for 2 new associates, then some HR work regarding a position elimination, and in between all that gotta finish up striking some kind of deal regarding this new position. I am back to being enthusiastic and optimistic that somehow this can be pulled off in a manner which will still permit me some quality of life. So, I gotta run and tackle this day head on. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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I'm glad to hear you got a good nights sleep after some comfort and support. It's moments like these that we realize we can't go it alone, we do need our friends. Go get 'em Mol! Have an awesome day! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Wow. It has been a high intensity day for sure and still going. I had a scone @ breakfast because it was too early to get my egg & bacon. I went and got the egg & bacon later for protein. Then this group lunch out - chopped salad+tuna melt muffin. So I am done on calories it would appear. I want to get in a run later and then perhaps a salad and small amt of protein later for dinner. And another good nights' sleep cause I am getting tired. Ah, just reminded myself to hydrate... : ) |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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"Swinging"...I Mean, "Back in the Swing of Things" Once, honey, your new pic is absolutely adorable. Quick update, weight seems to be holding in the range of 125, so I think some of that big blow up was water retention. Thank goodness. Dinner tonight was some leftover pasta, some chicken & a bit of turkey sausage; a few scoops and bean dip, a peanut butter 1/2 sandwich. Protein and carbs after all - because of my good workout. I arrived a few minutes ago, 9ish @ my usual Starbucks and am enjoying a decaf after a nice bath. Taking a few minutes to myself before resuming work on my job proposal. Spoke with the US-VP and it sounds like he won't stand in my way if we can work out a transition plan, most indications are that I would move 8 approx months from now, and retain oversight for at least 6 months after that. The important thing is to get the expectations nailed down and not sign up for anything unrealistic. Quality of life (i.e. free time to run and write and meet people) must be preserved, and if it means staying here and starting to look for a job elsewhere then that is OK. I had a good run tonight in my beloved woods, I wasn't getting tired at all, but I am still having some issues with the ankles/lower legs which I attribute to the shoes. Gotta get to the running store very soon. 6.8 miles, in approx 1:18 or so, my stopwatch function stopped for a little bit, user error. It was good to sweat, I got into that endorphin zone where you are on automatic and all the uck is sweated away. What a great feeling. I actually for the first time didn't want to face Dr. B today at all but I did, and caught her up on the events of the past several days. It was useful. She can tell when I just need a listener instead of tough talk and that's how most of today went. She absolutely laughed aloud when I got told her what happened with L - and seems surprised but happy that neither of us appears to have attached false feelings or remorse to that. Whereby, it seems to have served a need I have right now, a need to have someone close by, caring and sharing, and there is no one meeting that need. And I think she's right when she says I am projecting onto guys that they care more than they really do (D, Marc, Michael, Chris) and its no wonder they flee when I drink and take things too far. I really hope I can salvage things with Michael enough to maintain a friendship of some kind at least. Its hard to be alone I guess, and that's probably why I invited Chris over Saturday even when I was tired and had no intention of going out. In my life, I've always had someone I liked or someone I was seeing (sometimes more than one) and I don't know why, but its like I am always seeking some kind of validation that I have something to offer which is attractive enough for someone to "like" me. Well anyway, I am having a good end to the evening here, in the pleasant relaxing environment with my decaf and my Ipod on listening to Goldfrapp. Meeting with the VP Europe and probably the company President tomorrow. Gotta finish my 'plan for conquering Europe' which is what I have taken to calling it. Thanks everyone who has stood my me during the darkness, it means a lot. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I finally figured out the problem with accessing the site from home. My IE security was on Medium High, Protected Mode was on and the box was checked that requires https// secure sites to put a site into the trusted zone. I had to uncheck that box and then put CPH in the trusted zone and it worked. Just in case it happens again, now I have notes! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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 I love these new boots. Not so crazy about the dress. But this self-portrait came out just perfect where the flash hides my face, so thought I'd show how far my fat 202 blubbery body has come since I started CPH and took up exercising. w00t! CPH rocks! |
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Beth Distinguished Member
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I do so hope you make it to Europe! |
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zenobia Moderator
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that is super cute, moll. i've finally read through everything that i have missed and you have certainly been through a lot in the past few weeks. amazing how many things can get flipped up side down, turned inside out, and you still make it through ok. i'm sorry i couldn't be around more while things seemed so bleak... i think it's great that things are coming into focus for the EU plans. i really think moving will do you good. you mentioned something about wondering if you are running away from soemthing or running towards something... well, ii think it's both and i think it's ok. it's thinks proper. you need a change of scenery anyway and now is the perfect time. besides, you need to get away form those boys! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Balance of the Universe The balance of the universe is off. For what seems the umpteenth time in the past couple of weeks I am stationed @ Starbucks with a grande decaf working on this job proposal. I haven't been getting in regular workouts and I surely haven't toned in a week. I am working 12 hour days again. I feel horrid. I got hit with a 'wave of sleepy' on the way home from the office and it has stuck. I am whipped from stress and frenzy. I am feeling blue about my usual things. My toning has slid way downhill. I am not counting calories and I had pizza for dinner that I know put me 400-500 cals over. I don't want to go back to working these kind of hours; no sleep time; no friend time; no flirt time; no real writing or reading or music time. Well I hope it is just a passing frenzy, caused mostly by my boss and a frenzy of HR/position/organization-related matters which were mostly unplanned for the week. On the good side, in a few more weeks I will have streamlined from 5 direct reports to 3 in preparation for a new role/additional responsibilities/whatever. I have dirty dishes in the sink dating back to Saturday. In desperation Monday night I did laundry (inbetween going out to dinner and snogging L) because I was on my last pair of underwear. C-Dog is so upset at my lack of physical presence and attention that he's taken to pissing on things in the house a couple of times, which then I have to clean up. So yeah, I am not getting work done right this second because I need to take just 5-10 minutes and rebalance and think about the good things. I probably should not have just put "Dont Speak" by No Doubt on the Ipod. Mistake. "Don't tell me cause it hurts". OK I turned that off and threw on Iggy Pop and am now jamming to "Lust for Life". I am an emotional musical creature, its amazing sometimes how my mood can be altered with a few clicks. So, despite temptation for a little comfort/connection, I haven't texted Pitch or Chris or Michael and instead dialed up a bunch of girlfriends this afternoon on the drive home. OK I admit 3 times I had a text going to Pitch that I made myself delete. I don't need to become "all Mol all the time"; we exchanged photos and texts yesterday as it is. Ended up connecting with 3 of them live and that was sweet. Girlfriends are good. I'll give myself 3 songs to play and then get serious again. Zen, it is sweet to see you again. Iggy's playing "Nightclubbing" right now. Life is amazing. All right. My goal is to spend 80 more minutes on this proposal. Bolt home. Do my toning (30 minutes) Short run (20 minutes), shower, unload the dishwasher, then bed. I am gonna get the balance of the universe back in alignment because I deserve it, I worked hard to claim a life and I'm keeping it, darn it!!! OK loves, Iggy's singing "The Passenger", third song, and that's my cue to check out... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Iggy Pop Rocks I'm really chuffed that I stuck to my timeline and got some good thinking/working in AND got in toning (u/l/a), a short run (1.5m), a shower, and took care of the dishes. Having a deadline really helped. Now for a good nights' sleep. And Pitch commented on my networking site status this evening. If nothing else, its like a little 'thinking of you' that even as a 'just a friend', put a smile on my face. Sleeeepppp....meeting with the Europe VP and my boss in the AM! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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1 hour 37 minutes left to the big meeting. Putting together a short powerpoint picking up on some of the ideas the VP-Europe mentioned yesterday in an email. Steve's suggestion - a good one. Other than continually getting around 5-6 hours of sleep when I need to be getting 7-8, I am back to feeling pretty good today. The Starbucks is doing its thing. I haven't committed to any firm plans for this weekend. I want to invest most of my time in calming activities (planning vacation, writing, getting caught up around the house, maybe going to see some live music in a small setting or at the Irish festival). I need to get the ball rolling on the roof repair and the bathroom remodel. And get another electrician in. Perhaps I can set aside a vacation day to have more contractors come in and get started. Not sure I am going to be getting to Iceland this year after all, TBD. Will update later with the latest. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I don't know exactly why I have found myself here but the emotional Rocketship is firing up so it is just as well that I take a time out, breathe deep, and get perspective. I haven't yet had the meeting, it got delayed and I am 'on call'. I had to cancel and reschedule 1 performance review this morning and now it looks like the rest of my day will be impacted too. So #1 trigger - trying to scramble and get prepared for this meeting while #2 - adjusting to a constantly changing schedule and #3 - new expectations work requirements are flooding in which I don't have time for and #4 - I think I need to go for another run. I also had a scone. I am sure the sugar is not helping. I've also caught myself on the networking site 1/2 dozen times looking for comments on my status which is probably a rocketshippy emotional reaction looking for attention/validation/support of some kind. So....deep breaths. It is gorgeous outside and I am #%@&! or high water getting in a run today. From here I gotta just pretend that the meeting is not happening today and get on with the rest of things. 1. Amb. feedback 2. JD Peformance rvw/dev plan 3. Baby Shower 4. Restructuring meeting 5. Elimination meeting 6. By 4PM be @ running store + Get new shoes. Go for @ run by 5:30. 7. Pick up overflow work from 8-10. Possibly around the firepit. This can be done. No going out tonight and no Chris. No checking in with Michael. Period. Too many important things tomorrow. And want to set myself up for a spectacular weekend. |
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Storm Distinguished Member 
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Sounds like you have a pretty busy day ahead of you. Don't worry, you'll get through it, and tomorrow will be a whole new day, hopefully also less stressful! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Moon is a Giant Walkers' Shortbread Cookie Ha. I hit the send key on that last post and 30 seconds later my boss called me into his office. Great meeting, things gelling, I am clearly being courted, it seems a done deal that everyone agrees I am the 'resident expert' at my company to tackle this need. So I def gotta turn my clout into a nice raise promotion if I will be taking on more. Its great for my professional ego, that is for sure. My last post actually helped keep me from doing anything monumentally stupid on the guy front. However, I just substituted reckless eating for boys or alchohol today. I am presently at my Starbucks where I just consumed 2 shortbread cookies, after having 3 sizeable pieces of pizza for dinner - earlier today's mistakes included a scone and a piece of cake @ the baby shower. Oh and 3 mini-twix. Altogether a solid 1300 of calories of sugar on top of my usual egg-bacon-toast brekkie and, unusually, a hamburger for lunch. I did make it to the running store after work and got some new shoes I am not 100% convinced of. I went to the forest preserve but my left ankle was bothersome and I ended up walking, my thoughts and emotional finally breaking into tears. Interestingly, I was mournful over Michael and mournful over my binge drinking train wreck behavior causing my own problems - all of which is true - yet I think the source of the emotions is elsewhere and I am projecting them onto Michael right at this time. Job stress for example, the uncertainty of moving overseas and living this scenario day by day without knowing my next step. And further, the fact that tomorrow morning I have to wake up, go in to the office, and take someone's job away through an elimination. Someone I hired, someone who has worked for me for 3 years, someone who trusts me, and who I trust implicitly; someone I tried to help, someone who is a mother and a wife and has family obligations and who has no idea this is coming because I was not permitted to tell her; someone who is well liked and a hard worker and who doesn't deserve this. I've known for months that this day was coming; but it just really hit me this afternoon, it is nearly certain that am never going to speak with her or see her ever again. The rest of the department is going to be shocked and angry with me. But it was my decision. It sucks sometimes doing what you have to do and making the tough call. So I came to SBucks to get my script straight for tomorrow AM and when I pulled up, saw that Dell was here. Studying with a friend. I should come with a warning label I swear "Sweet guys need not apply. Beware. Toxic." He's all attentive and wrapped me in the warmest hug, charming, sweet, "I meeesed you". So he scheduled some time to talk with me, from 9:30 to 10, its kind of cute. I've got to let him know in all fairness however that he has zero chance for anything except friends. Speaking of friends, Pitch commented on my networking site status this morning again. I am such a retard. I mean, if he knew the little thrill I get every time he posts something, it would probably scare him away. I seem to have that effect on men. Card-carrying member of the Church of the Emotional F$%^tards, that I am. Generally speaking though, the Rocketship is under control and I am settling down quite a bit from the peak. A successful RMM day which avoided (1) alcohol (2) preferred guys and (3) clubs. Yay Mol. Now I gotta get through @#% tomorrow without flying off the handle. I do want and need to get some dancing in this weeekend and there are event nights abounding at the usual spots, but I'd like to find a place off the beaten path for once. Perhaps the brainy place. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sweet? Uh.... Holy #%@&!. Well, alright it seems that Dell is not all sweetness and light, no...he almost had me fooled. No, instead, he tonight in between telling me he 'likes' me and 'likes' my eyes, he also asked me if I'd had sex since my divorce and propositioned me and told me that he is 'very good in the bed'. Why couldn't he just be some sweet lingerer-on who meekly pines for me and looks forward to the 30 minutes every Sunday night when he gets to talk to me? I so was enjoying that and he took it too far to put it back now. Chris texted promptly at the #3 witching hour asking about my week and then let me know he was going to #3 and was probably going to bring a book. He actually is a very nice kid, I am going to find myself a little jealous I think when he gets a girlfriend and stops being a reliable part of my routine. Chris and I are friends now on the networking site which provided access to a few additional photos he has posted. Every picture has a different 'look' to it but he's delicious-to-look-at in all of them. Including a nude which he is sitting cross-legged with his hands cupped you-know-where. Dude has light muscle definition everywhere. He's vegan too, there's not an ounce of fat on his bod. Lovely. I am not lusting after him or anything, just appreciating his loveliness. And that's about all cause I am going on about the men tonight which I don't mean to do. I gotta get some sleep. And then...finally...the weekend. I surely need it. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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double post. Last edited on 10 July 2009 04:59 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Duh. I've been way too long on the networking site followed by eating more stuff. Why is it that I don't seem to care, in fact, seem to be rebelling and eating anything I want? Hopefully I get back on track tomorrow. OK Mol Sleep! Sleep! You know that sleep is the magic ingredient. Good night, off with this darn 'puter. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK. It worked yesterday so I've come back again. It's definitely the work stress thing putting me on the emotional Rocketship. So deep breaths, make a list and prioritize. The world is not going to end by 4PM and you can catch up over the weekend too. 1. Short presentation for Tues sls mtg 3. Set up training CB: PCA, Mail, Grp Outing, This wknd 1. Finish conquering Europe 2. Analyst position desc. 3. EP promo review 4. Nice long bike ride 5. Book a vacation/trip/downtime. ESSENTIAL! 6. Get a roofer lined up and get more remodeling quotes for the essentials in order to rent the house: bathroom, kitchen, back windows, garage repairs, electrical overhaul. Sheesh that sounds like 30 grand. I don't have that kind of money...hmmmm...OK I commit to prioritize my repairs and get estimates. Monday 1. Pack & ship; computer access; email & files 2. Seating arrangements I have to come back this later. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Long Awaited Friday Evening, 8PM Already The remainder of the afternoon got away from me on stupid little logistical details. Around 4 I had to bolt. It was a long week and a hard day and I need to get out and clear my head. I got into the mini kit kats at the office again (3). Got home, did my toning then went for a run/walk after all. I wanted to try my new shoes; as I thought they just don't fit right with the expensive inserts they sold me, rather than return them I took the inserts out and went. Still having probs with the left ankle so I'd walk then run then walk then run all the way but I did finish 3.1M 2.5J 0.6W or so - 38:30. The exercise really helped to burn off the stress I was feeling and bring me back to a more relaxed state. Its a bit muggy out and I sweated a ton. Which can feel kind of nice some times. Now I had a salad and a lean cuisine panini for dinner (still hungry but going to wait for it to settle). I am hoping to do some writing after my shower - try to maintain a more peaceful flow, possibly over @ Starbucks for a while, then I am likely going out later for some dancing and companionship, I may not head to #2 at all because if Michael happens to be there I don't know what I will say to him or how I can get closure on better terms than what happened last Saturday, and I need to think about that - but not tonight. I miss my writing terribly, and my free time, that's maybe why tonight feels so special and comfortable and the calm is so welcome. Working crazy hours and under intensive stress for the past 2 weeks or so is a pretty stark contrast and a reminder of how my life used to be, the life I cast off and ran away from 18 months ago. |
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Terabyte New Member
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i don't blame dell for cutting to the chase though--- who wants to just sit and chat week after week with someone you are sexually attracted to? Not me! lol, after about 2 weeks of the ed norton animator being a gentleman, i was like dude are we going to f/ck or what???? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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TB. I am crashing here and need sleep so quick recap: Starbucks. Presentation. Not finished. Progress made. #1. Chris. D&E&L&X&B Adam N and Adam B and DJ M. Fun. Good music. Danced a little. #2. Carlton. Who was trying to get me to help him break his car out of the parking lot (ummmm..."No."). Shallow Marc saw me parking and strode off down the sidewalk. Multitude of people including that cute bald guy who wears a kilt. Gothica was there, that was a surprise, rarely see her out, but she clearly knows everyone. She's not attractive in the 'beauty' sense but its obvious why people like her and want to be friends with her. I was glad Michael was not there. I was starving afterward and stopped @ the burrito house. Met Damien who it turns out was @ #2 earlier. I will hope for the opportunity to get to know him. Seems like a sweet nervous little blonde skinny thing. Not my type, but neither was Ian and he turned into a friend. All right I gotta get some shut eye. But not before celebrating a fun, alcohol free evening of sanity, comraderie, dancing, and hey it was less expensive too! Yay!!! BED!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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 Bunnies for Breakfast Early to bed, early to rise...I mean late to bed, late to rise...I mean good grief - 3 hours of sleep. The difference however in not having been drinking is notable. Or perhaps I just got lucky. In any event, working evenings and weekends again is depressing. I've made up my mind that I've got to do things quicker, better the first time, not editing to my standards of perfection but simply to the standard needed to do the job effectively. I see that during the past 18 months of withdrawing from work and not investing myself, I've had a fantastic balance and have been fortunate. Especially during the times when Tormentor has been occupied elsewhere. I am conflicted. I am investing a lot of time and effort now, hoping I can manage to forge a balance later, taking that risk that this is just a small hill to climb and then I'll be back on the downslope. The fear is finding that I am climbing a mountain with no way to go but up. Yes, its arguably for the next 6months and then (minimally) 2 years in England, but it could very well go longer. I guess part of me realizes that right now, this time, this energy - the Book of Mol and the dancing and exercise and cute clubby dresses and young boys - is not going to last and is subject to a premature end. After 15 years of 'being asleep' I've reawakened (for both the good and the bad) for 12 months and in spite of an overall theme of a few major issues I've been very happy 'feeling alive' again, like a living breathing honest-to-goodness free person with choices and interests and opinions and things to say about life. So, I am off to work on my presentation for Tuesday again. I will give myself 1.5 hours to finalize it then I am done. Then I want to go shop for a swimsuit I can actually do real swimming in and head for the beach, I think. My ankle is messed up for sure, I've got it in a support now and won't be running and probably not biking either today. We shall see. I always say that but end up craving exercise and pushing it anyway. Besides, I have a rather large late night burrito to burn off if I want to eat anything else all day today. That had to have been 1000-1400 so I will call it 1200 plus had some Triscuits and peanut butter when I got home. I was starving for some reason. The scale is not my friend because I have been eating without restraint lately and I am up to 127 and feel the pudginess. I gotta get back to logging everything in, its the only way to really gauge the cumulative effect of a scone here, or a few mini twix, or triscuits or what have you. All right - time to stop procrastinating and go get that presentation done so I can have some more "me" time and quite stewing about it! Hope everyone has a fantastic Saturday. MMmmmmmmmoi! |
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Terabyte New Member
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You will feel great once you get some of that presentation out of the way; as for me, I have to train some foster parents and I am hoping they don't show up lol!!! so i can go home and eat all the doughnuts myself! |
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suenos Moderator
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work - yikes! I'm cutting my own vacation short to go back on Monday - but I'm not really bothered by it...seven days is just about what I needed to recharge and I'm getting antsy anyway - heck, despite my intentions I couldn't resist calling in "just to check the status of xyz" every day this week. Hi, I'm Suenos and I'm a workaholic! I wonder if it would be different if you actually really liked your job. I know when I was in the throes of hating my job I appreciated the income but at the same time just felt sorta resentful of every moment it took away from what I considered my "real life" and I was always on some tilting at windmills quest to find what I considered "a balance" between work and the rest of living. When work changed and I started loving what I do, I stopped feeling like my life was unbalanced even though the amount of hours I spent working didn't change...like because I enjoy(ed) what I do so much, even though it's stressful beyond words, it doesn't feel like something that intrudes on my life so much as something that's just part of my life....a fun, exciting part even. Hopefully the European assignment pans out for you and work will become something that you look forward to and enjoy rather than just a source of income. Hmmm, maybe it's like being with the wrong guy vs. the right guy....I lived with a guy for a year and towards the end it I just resented the heck out of all time I had to invest in the relationship to make it work (so I dumped him )...but being married (as I'm discovering anew every day) takes a heck of a time investment, and not always getting to do things my way (like actually having to put laundry away instead of just dumping it on the kitchen table), and sacrificing a whole heap of "me time" (I like me time)...but even though the actions are the same - i.e. laundry is still laundry - my feelings are so different about the guys involved that I'm happy now to do what I hated doing then.Maybe this makes sense - and then again maybe not? |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Wonderfully Packed Day My dryer wasn't working this mornig and I discovered a bird's nest (sparrows I think( in it. I had to rip the vent off the side of the house to get inside and get it cleaned out. I did get the presentation 'adequately' done and was at Dick's sporting goods before Noon. Not only did I get a suit, but goggles, 2 pair of running shorts (also good for biking and a nice thin under armor hoodie in a medium grey. I love under armor. Couldn't park at my house, police had the block cordoned off, found out later that it was someone holding someone hostage at gunpoint. I am guessing domestic, these things usually are. After fitting my goggles with a smaller nosepiece, I headed for the beach. Spoke with Chris about a particular beach he favors but changed course and went up north. It was a perfect perfect day but the water, to me, was frigid and took my breath away. In fact I couldn't get my breath at all, until I realized I was trying to breathe with every stroke. So I just went in shallow and practiced trying to breathe and take a few strokes. I have a lot to learn it seems and it wasn't pretty. I need to start a bit smaller and go to a pool or something until I get the fundamentals down. I thought of Andrew since I was in his neck of the woods; we connected via phone and sure enough, he was at the next beach over. We decided rather than either of us walking a mile out of our way, we'd just meet up later at the Roots and Folk music festival. We spent about 5 hours together at the festival, including a spectacular time in the dance tent listening to a salsa band jam on the horns. Lots of side stage entertainment, booths, and food vendors. I stuck to my Starbucks and water, while Andrew had some beers. I grabbed a blanket out of the car and we settled in on the lawn for the closing acts on the mainstage. The diet carnage today was extreme (including a corn dog and pizza and kettle chips) but it was really a lot of fun. Andrew's co-worker was performing in a play; she got us 2 tickets for free so we went to the 10:30PM show which let out around 12:30. I developed a pretty painful tooth/jaw ache during the last several hours of the evening; not sure what is going on but it is not a good sign. I blew off a huge event night @ #2 this evening, Chris and Ian were there, and Chris texted me that a lot of 'old people' were there. Meaning, old school, probably a lot of people I used to know. But I am not sad for missing it really. The diet carnage concluded with a stop @ White Castle on the way home for 4 burgers and fries. I am going in the wrong direction again for sure but just gotta try to get restarted tomorrow. My ankle won't take a long run I fear but perhaps I will attempt a "brick" again. I also have a TON of work to do for my job. Speaking of which, Suenos, I am quite sure I wouldn't mind work so much if I liked the work, no doubt, but the fact of the matter is that I enjoy my leisure activities including exercising and am not interested in giving them up for a job. I just love a day like this, it just kept going and going and going and I did soooo much. It would have been the cherry on top of my day if Pitch had been able to join us, He had also intended to go to the fest and wanted to see the headlining band but family needs sent him to the hometown for the weekend. I was thinking about him throughout the day, and hope we get to spend some more time soon. My eyes are shutting, I hope to get a LOT of sleep tonight!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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First Things First In a way, I am glad that I didn't sleep until Noon, although I do surely need to catch up on some sleep, because lots of things need to happen today. So first things first, I gotta create a realistic to-do list covering both personal and work stuff and then chart out the week ahead. I am feeling optimistic that I will get through it just fine. In fact, I am rather looking forward to Tuesday because it is a sales meeting downtown and I have the whole day blocked off on my calendar, but really will only need a couple of hours and should be able to catch up on several things then, instead of cramming them in today. Yay for trying to restore the Balance of the Universe.My ankle was a bit painful/uncomfortable this morning although its one of those things that seems to get better once it loosens up. Well it is nice out so I may bike a bit although my left ankle is the one I clip out of. I could swim, but I don't know a good pool to use while I get the hang of things. The park district and YMCA pools frankly scare me, no offense to anyone who uses them, and they are also probably very crowded. Foodwise, I need to have a solid, very healthy day today. On le menu: salad, turkey, yogurt, more salad, and perhaps a bit of whole wheat ravioli I have thawed if I am feeling like I must have some carbs. Oh! The Humanity! of my food festival yesterday. I feel the 5 pounds I have regained, I assure you. I am not sure what I was dreaming of last night, I virtually never remember my dreams, but I woke up feeling the sting that Michael hasn't followed up yet in setting a time to get together and talk. I am sure that he has other priorities but right now it feels like a dangling participle - to me, I am sure not to him - but I do so want to hear the things it may be tough to hear about myself, so that learn from this. I also want to have this conversation one on one before I see him again at a club, because that would kill any chance there is to ever have it. Well I am not going to beg or plead, the control is in his hands as it always has been. But it seems as if I either need to "demand" and force this very soon for my own peace of mind or just give up and have him completely out of my life, which I think would be unfortunate and unnecessary. Dealing with this issue has to wait until I get my other things done, however, so moving right along... After that brief dark interlude, I am feeling good about the day, the weekend, the weather, the prospects, and life in general right now. It is amazing what decompressing and regaining some balance can do for you. I am off to make the most of this glorious day. Work can be done in nearly any setting one chooses, with the miracles of laptop computers and wireless internet access. |
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suenos Moderator
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sounds like a really fun day yesterday and cheers to today turning out even better! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Other than staying up too late, which I will regret tomorrow, and blowing off some work thinking time, which I will also regret tomorrow, it was a good night. I made a fire around 7:30. There was an exquisite moment when I was just relaxing and it was just about sundown and there was a bagpiper plaing about 6 houses down. The music floating washed over me like a wave of love for the simple things in life. Chris came over around 9. What an amazing guy he is and what a nice friendship we are developing. He is so honest and understated and unassuming and just plain nice. He shared a lot of his stories which in turn, led me to be open with a few of mine. There are certain things it is difficult for me to talk about but I am slowly getting more comfortable with him. He stayed until 1:30 but I wasn't in any hurry for him to go, it was wonderful. I drank an entire pitcher of lemon water; while I was tempted to have 'just 1' coctail with him, I didn't. Chris in the past 4 weeks or so has been starting to get to know D at #1. He said something to me last week and I just dismissed it. He brought it up again tonight. He says that D is a pretty cool guy. He's noticed that D & I don't talk to each other. Chris also told me that D was asking questions, wanting to know if Chris and I are involved. Chris told him no, that we are just friends and that I am a 'cool chick' to hang out with. Ostensibly D's question would be because Chris and I are frequently together @ #1 and tend to arrive and depart around the same times. However, D thought back in November/early December that something was going on with me and Chris. D was in fact jealous of Chris at the time. For what it is worth, D now knows that there is not and was not. Oh, and I had some good texts with Pitch tonight, he's been doing very good with working out lately and swam 2 miles today. Dude. I can tell he is feeling better about himself and neat that he gives me credit for inspiring him to get into shape. There's probably more but I am sooo tired. Bed! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I overslept this morning - don't know what happened exactly - but woke up @ 8:30. I felt rested at the time but progressively throughout the day have been in a fog. It is at its worst right now. Not sure if it is just the lack of sleep thing it almost feels like allergies; I had a whole package of whole wheat ravioli yesterday; todays' brekkie included wheat toast and I had 1/2 bagel for after lunch snack and started sneezing and getting fuzzy face. Coffee isn't helping which is also a clue that it is not lack of sleep. Since I was thinking a while back that I might be having a reaction to Triscuits, perhaps I should read up more on wheat gluten allergies. Although, yesterday they started me on 300mg tabs of Wellbutrin (from 150 2x per day,which I often skipped the 2nd pill) and that change could be doing something as well. Also my contacts have been fuzzy all day but I attribute that to the fire last night, I will change them out when I get home and see. The tiredness/haze is having an impact in terms of out of control eating. I had probably 400 cals in mini kit kats/peanut butter cups from the girl next door, and then that 1/2 bagel with a pretty thick portion of cream cheese. Just because it was there. While you could knock me over with a feather right now, I am hoping I will bounce back and bet able to go for a run after work or this evening. Because right now I feel like I cannot go to my next meeting without falling over. Hoping for some improvement, soon. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Lost Key I am sitting here hydrating and planning to try for a run. Head still foggy and face still fuzzy tingly but hoping run will help. Anyway this post is about a lost key. I woke up this AM and went to go let CDog out and realized the back door was unlocked all night. Now, I have the kind where you need to have the key to get out as well as in - a double deadbolt. Long story short, I look for it this AM, didn't find it, looked in my car after work thinking perhaps it had gotten in one of my sling bags - no luck. I dug into my memory banks to recall the last time I think I saw it - yesterday afternoon while I was taking out garbage/recyclables. I remember I had it in my hand while tossing the trash and thinking oh, why am I doing this with the key in my hand, I need to be careful; then dumping the recyclables. I don't remember anything past that point. I've retraced all my steps. I've been through the garbage at a very...detailed...lever. So, it disappeared between 4PM and 6AM. What sucks, is that Chris was over during that time. Now, I trust him, I really do, I don't think he would ever steal or want to break in or anything; in fact, he's pretty disgusted by some of Carlton's less than honorable shinanegans. But it freaking sucks when you have to include that in your list of possibilities. I would say 99.5% chance I did something absent-minded with it and 0.5% chance Chris has it. I am not upset about losing a key, I have spares; it is having to even consider the possibility that Chris may not be the Chris that I know. I hope it turns up, somewhere, somehow, but I've looked EVERYWHERE. ARGH!!! OK time to go for a run. Gotta review 2 things for work tonight and then get to bed early so I can be on my toes for my presentation tomorrow. Weight 127.5. Awful. I am getting chunky. Last edited on 14 July 2009 02:58 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Rigidity I am back to where my lower legs and ankles are locking when I am trying to run. The rest of me is fine and I really really wanted to run hard it was so frustrating. This was with not my new pair of Muzino's but my most recent New Balance. I managed a mile, then walked and got some more water from the gas station. I really don't see how this could be dehydration since I also drank a lot of water yesterday and my usual amount at work today. I finished my 3.1m route but it was a lot of stop and go. I'd guess around 2.3J 0.8W? in 42:30. Barely got my heart rate up. Maybe I'll bike tomorrow after the morning rush. I am working from home until early afternoon when I have to go downtown for my presentation. I wonder if the muscle rigidity is in any way related to my other health complaints of the day. I hope getting this stuff down will help me some day. I just have not been able to get my running fitness level up to where it was last fall and it is frustrating. Got Gut(s) My gut stinks. I am not going to tone tonight but I must tomorrow. Along with packing on a little bit of fat I am losing my definition. Well, we all have little backslidings, it time to get back on that horse!! "My Baby's On the Level" I phoned Michael today after having let things breathe for a week and he was friendly enough. If he didn't want to talk to me I supposed he'd not have answered the phone. He gave me the lastest updates and then rattled off his schedule which is booked the next 2 nights and leaves Thurs on a trip out of town to visit a friend in Florida until next Monday. Still he offered up to get together when he gets back so it looks like I will have an opportunity to get some insight and some closure. I am not sure I am going to be able to be 'just friends' around Michael though. Dang. Its not every day you meet a guy whose kiss makes your knees give out. I rather miss that intoxicating feeling. Although in the whole scheme of things I'm probably a bit more level headed when I don't have "a head full" of a particular guy. Raconteurs - Level http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sblEd3VOQK0Gee, it's been a while I guess since I had some music in here. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK time for bed. I am in that drowsy suggestive Xanax state. Musssstttt...resist....snacking.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I couldn't get to sleep. After an hour I got up and then lost the snack battle. It was a lot. 975. Dang. Not going to hlep me get to sleep either. And tomorrow is a big day. And I was so tired today too. Let me see if I can come up with something resonant to write about for a spell. I am now resetting my alarm for an hour later in the AM hopefully that will still permit some decent sleep. And I just sneezed after eating so I am going to have to write down everything I consumed. Ready? 12 grain bread, chicken salad, bit of grated cheese 225 smartpop 100 rice cake, peanut butter 125 banana 100 tortilla, ham 150 a few triscuits 70 12 grain bread, turkey, with sauce/more grated cheese 205 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Suddenly On A Roll Wow, I felt so-so this morning after hitting the snooze for at least an hour. Eating all that food was just stupid. I finally had some eggs and a piece of 12-grain toast (230) for brunch and at the sales meeting some Garret's popcorn (caramel & cheese) which is completely famous and decadent but really tasty (300). For dinner now, green salad with grape tomato, red onion, little bit of feta, and light raspberry-walnut dressing (125). The roofer who came by about the leak I liked, until he refused point blank to warranty a repair. "New roof - warranty. Repair - no warranty." Tony told me in a husky, thick polish accent. Shortly thereafter, my doorbell rang and someone looking for work, long story short let the guy clean and caulk my gutters; I got overcharged and theres an area which clearly is in worse shape than when he found it. I'll just have to deal with that later. There's another guy coming over Thursday to look @ the roof and perhaps he can clean up that little problem. Anyway, what is remarkable is that my energy level and alertness seemed to come back all day - and oh-gee I just realize that I totally forgot to take my wellbutrin 300 this morning and also put in clean contacts this morning etc etc so things are just funny and I don't know why. But even though I urgently need to be prepping for meetings tomorrow, I came home and did my toning, and then went for a run. And I did struggle, and had some problems with my lower legs again, but they weren't as bad, and the walking parts in between were shorter. My speed was up and I hit that fantastic mind-body connection again. Sweated great, it was one of those workouts that felt so good, so clear, so cleansing, that I just didn't want to stop. It's just that my legs kept going numb. However I did do an extra mile just because it felt to good today to be working out. 4.1M 3.7J 0.4W The first 5K was in 35:02 and I didn't time the extra mile. But ddaaaaang that was awesome. Hit the shower and now am off to Starbucks to get ready for important meetings tomorrow. I just sent off a proper invitation to Pitch for the pleasure of his company for dinner and a nice fire either Friday or Saturday. Weather should be perfect for it and I would love hanging out. Although I am realizing I would like to compromise the 'dry for July' rule under that scenario but I will talk with Dr. B about it. It is like giving myself permission for an exception if I adhere to certain conditions. And I just got a text from Chris - I don't know how it happened, but he does have my key. It usually sits on the recliner and I had offered him the chair because I don't like it and never use it (it was bought for L and it doesn't match the other furniture.) More than likely he picked up the key when he went to sit in the chair and then without thinking ended up putting it in his pocket. Yay. All is right. Perhaps I should get a lottery ticket on my way to Starbucks. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Foodie I love to eat. Sigh. That is the conclusion. Since I wasn't hungry, not really, yet I had a bit of hummus (35) a tortilla/ham rollup with a bit of cheese (180) and 5 triscuits with peanut butter (190). And now I just want to keep going. I know having a good day of 655IN and about 155Net after exercise is a legit excuse - but I really wasn't hungry, not in the 'tummy rumbling' sense. Well - it stops now, I am going to get to bed and have a good nights' sleep, get up early and finish conquering Europe. For once and for all. Things progress forward tomorrow or 'the bill gets stuck in committee' as they say. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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You know, if I could only fall asleep and stay asleep I'd eliminate a lot of calories from my diet. Got back up and had a light and fit yogurt (80) and 6 mini bagel dogs with ketchup. (365). I put the a/c on as it was really quite stuffy in here and took 2/3 of a Xanax. Hoping for sleep soon...I've set my alarm 2 hours past my original plan, sacrificing prep time for sleep time. Rationale - I need to be able to think on my feet in this meeting tomorrow. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Bacon and scone. My my my there is a decided lack of weight-loss goal orientation right now. Blame it on Europe, I guess. My head is full of distractions. Wish me luck! Lunch with the European president and my boss today. |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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So, Mol.....................I think you are giving yourself permission to eat more at night. Do you think? If you can't get the mindset..............I'd put a big old padlock on the fridge, and another on the food closet (put ALL the food in this closet)...........and have a standing date with your neighbor to deliver the keys to him at a specified time every single night! With the understanding that you can't have the keys back until after 5:00-6:00 a.m. Maybe you need a Sleep Number (Select Comfort) bed? When my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep with my glasses on..........and wake up in the same position the next morning, glasses intact! Good luck  at lunch today, with the European Pres. and your boss! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Pat, I probably am. I feel like I am in survival mode all of a sudden. Especially today my stress level is as high as it has been in recent memory and I feel all of a complete panic. I don't have time to write all that I would, which is probably a relief to anyone reading. In a nutshell, the dialog is centering around me doing both jobs to some degree on both continents and travelling at least 50% of the time. This not what I signed up for and I am terrified of living out of a suitcase for 2-3 years and more terrified of not setting up 'roots' or a support network and just being in no man's land. Considering how long it is taking me to establish 'a life' here in the states, and only working 40 hours per work, what will it be like when I am a ghost, the neighbor no one ever sees? It is not an enviable existence. I don't know that anyone else on this site has a similar job which requires them to be on the road a lot. If they do I'd like some more perspective on how they handle this. I think it would be different if I had a spouse or rommmate or someone as 'home base' who could be an anchor. But I have no one. I can make friends anywhere, but it takes lots of time to establish meaningful bonds. I don't want to be alone. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well I had a lovely long workout, although it was a struggle the whole way. Run walk run walk but I think I got in close to 4 miles. I went an unusual route, and stopped @ Sbucks for water. Dell was there with friend, studying as usual, and I can't wait to see what happens next. I sorta did this on purpose. They were out on the patio and I just waved and went in and got water, then out the side door by where they were sitting. Dell chatted me up as usual and then a few minutes later I said goodnight and went on my way. It was only at that point that I turned my back to them, my tank top revealing my dragon tattoos as I walked away. Heh. My guess is Dell won't be bothering me any more. Maybe he will finally understand that I really am in a completely different league. Even the running seemed to take him by surprise. But then....he has surprised me before. So, as I said, I can't wait to see what happens next. And I got a nice message from Pitch, we are on for Friday night. I didn't need one more thing on my schedule but I expect we are going to have a nice time decompressing together. Two extremely high anxiety freaks getting together for dinner, drinks*, fire, and music. *conditional provision :) Today's eats: Scone+Bacon (540); Usual chix salad/salad bar lunch (300); stupid biscotti (140); stupider kit kat (200). I added 2 V8 juices for dinner (60) due to hardly any green and lots of sugar. 1240IN, rougly 830 net. I need to schedule a haircut. I am trying to find time to get a root canal at my dentist 50 miles away. I got roped into volunteering for something Sunday which went from a 4 hour commitment including an hour biking; to a 6 hour commitment with no exercise and standing around handing out literature and talking to people. I should just have said No but this was for someone I really like and want to help out, as she affords me opportunities to meet and get involved in athletic events. So, the good with the bad I guess. I gotta go get ready for the maid. Help! I am stressed! I don't want to live like this again! I feel my freedom slipping away... |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol, I've never been in a job situation like you are describing, but..................the year 2007 was high stress for me. Too many things going on ALL THE TIME that I had to handle or be involved in. That year was almost the end of me! I felt like I had no life, I was just existing to do things for everyone else...........I felt like I had no down time.........and even though I wasn't traveling or living out of a suitcase, I still kind of felt like I had no roots. I think because I was hardly ever home..........it wasn't a "home" anymore, it became a "house". I ended the year with that bout of depression. I called it quits at the beginning of 2008..........resigned or gave up all the "positions" I'd volunteered for. When you are used to saying "yes", it's hard to just say "no" and to step back. That almost killed me.............but the stress was killing me (and my relationships) faster. So, I made myself do it! That's my 2 cents worth! |
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Hisgal Distinguished Member
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Mol, one more thing, my dear..................think back............read back over your diary, if you have to.................what has stress, lack of sleep, no time for exercise done for you in the past? That might help you think this through. At least when I had that awful year, I had God as my anchor........my lifeline..........the one I could cling to, who would always be there for me...........the one whom I knew would get me through. You don't have that. Who/What would be your lifeline when it got to be too much.............who in your life would always be there for you, no matter where you are or what you were going through? Being on the move, and being high stressed doesn't make for much time to establish supporting relationships. Would you turn to alcohol and popping pills to sleep and popping pills to wake up and keep going at that pace? I'm just not sure this is a good move for you. I hope it's OK that I spoke up..............I don't want you to get into something that you can't handle or that would destroy you. Pat *big hug* |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Pat - exactly! I have seen the difference! My life is not perfect by any stretch, but I have been waaayy happier and healthier overall by having a good diet and fitness and time to explore and do new/fun things. In fact, it has come home in the last 2 weeks as I have been working evenings and on the weekends again, and not eating right and not taking care of myself, how much more stressed I feel! Further, while I haven't been investing in all 'good' relationships I am slowly building/rebuilding 'some' good relationships and those are an important part of my life as well. I love to travel and explore, but I also like to come 'home' to the familiar. It is that sense of "home", of "belonging", of "place" that I need as an anchor. It is the same reason why I went to #1 even after all the fallout happened; and why I go to #2 even when I know that I stay out too late and fall to temptation. It is absolutely essential that I have personal time and time to grow and develop a network or I will be especially vulnerable. So, I have to figure out how to make this work for me! And I am talking with my coach Steve this morning for some assistance and advice. Thanks for your support! Will update later... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Such a strange state I am in. Overwrought and overstressed, yeah work and personal demands are colliding and that is driving most of it. Still, I didn't realize how bad my anxiety used to be, until I just started experiencing it again. Rocketshippy today. Not sure the 300 dose of Wellbutrin is innocuous in this. There is an overcurrent (not undercurrent) however of calm, which I suppose is the Wellbutrin hanging overhead like a low cloud cover, preventing the Rocketship from fully taking off. It's a freaky and uncomfortable feeling, like my mind is in conflict with my mind about what emotional state, energy level, intensity, to be in right now. Peapod just came and I love having everything healthy stocked. There is some new organic salsa I am psyched to try. Its amazing how much I spent on liquor which is not intended for my own consumption (gin for Chris, Honker's ale for Pitch). For myself, I am going to try an NA beer which is made by the makers of Guinness, called Kaliber. Looks way more promising than Sharps. I have to resist inviting Chris over, it is a Thursday night and that is often our 'going out' night to #3. But I need to stay on track, I have an awful lot of work to do and am thinking of heading over to Starbucks in a bit. Blowing off toning and exercise altogether tonight. At least calorie wise I did OK today. Brekkie - SBucks turkey bacon sand (350) - Lunch dry cheeseburger (600) - Dinner yummy salad (130) and yogurt (80). 1160IN. Nekkid weight 126. I went to see my regular physician today about the issues with my rigid muscles and other symptoms which all seem to be waxing and waning at the same times. This may be a long process. We started with some Xrays and an MRI is planned. He thinks it may be a problem originating in my lumbar spine that has a really long name. We shall see. Then I went to see Dr. B and she decided to be harsh on me today. She believes that I am in denial about a lot of things still and she was giving me the objective reality. For example, Pitch, who, she says if he wanted something more than friends, would have done so by now. Perhaps. I have 'reasons why' this one could and should take a long time (the high school factor for example). She says I am fooling myself in thinking there's a chance 'down the road' and if I found someone else I would not find any need to invest so much attention into Pitch. She's probably right and I probably need to move on to other interests. I know myself however, and I always have to have 'someone' that I like or who likes me, always this need to seek validation as a woman. So I don't ever just move on to "nothing". I have to move on to "someone" or I don't move at all. Tomorrow I am working only 1/2 day. Going in early, then my dentist is sending me to the endodontist for a tooth that is sending out warnings (btw I don't have any idea what I am in for, I've never been to one). Then back to the office, a haircut, a couple of errands, possibly a bike ride/toning, and lastly, evening with Pitch. No wonder I am freaking exhausted all the time. Glad I don't have too much going on Saturday. Sunday, I am volunteering in the very early AM, and then I gotta get some of "MY" stuff done. Pat - thanks for sharing earlier. I've not yet climbed out of my own pit yet, and while the transfer wouldn't be for another 6 months at least, I am not thinking there is a magical time frame I can point to and say "I'm good now, thanks". Some of the demons I am facing I've faced for most of my adult lifetime (lacking confidence, negative self-worth, etc). This is playing heavily into my thinking but I need to reach a satisfactory conclusion and drive that conclusion to fruition next week. So that, whatever my course, I can embrace it with gusto! and get on with living life! Last edited on 17 July 2009 02:14 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Whatever happened to Samurai decision making anyway? Laughing at self. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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All right. I just snacked tonight. Baked scoops with loads of salsa (160) and Turkey 1/2 sandwich (200). 360 total. At least it was healthy stuff (thank you Peapod). Bringing me to a grand total for the day of 1520. The little part of my brain is going more more more (peanut butter). Must be the same little part of my brain that goes more more more (alcohol). Maybe I am just substituting one impulse gratification for the other. Maybe I should just sub in good sex instead. Any sex would be nice. Bed!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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So I did succomb to the crave last night. Rice cake. Then a dollop of peanut butter. Then some more scoops and I finished the tub of salsa. Another 230 or so. At least it was lo cal stuff. Today I've been doing great. I had an usual brekkie - 1 egg (80), 1 sm bacon (35), and a bit of the 'breakfast bar' @ work - yogurt, granola, blueberries and strawberries. It was a nice change and I am sure however there were a lot of cals in the yogurt and granola cause they were super tasty. 180. Other than that, since I had a root canal I didn't have any lunch and just had a piece of reduced fat banana bread w/choc chips @ Starbucks. Gotta look that up but I am guessing around 230. "ish". Starbucks was my reward after completing a 15 mile bike ride to the lake and back. 15.3 1:09:54, avg 13.1mph. I hate looking at my averages when I ride in the city because there are so many busses and stoplights and plain idiots who pull into the bike lane and sit there. I'd love to see how I did on a 15 mile actual route. I guess I will have to join an organized ride to see. I am estimating my average would be closer to 16. After Starbucks I went by the bike shop and picked up the tent and supplies for volunteering Sunday. Pitch will be here in a little while. It rained a little which had me worried about the firepit plans tonight but I think we are going to be OK. We are to go out to dinner and then if it rains, I will propose we go to the world famous Green Mill, which I have never been to. I am amazed it has been 7 hours since the root canal and there is zero pain. They fed me 800mg Ibuprofen immediately afterward before the novovcaine wore off and I haven't needed anything else. I will probably take another dose just to make sure any swelling stays gone but this is nothing short of amazing. Lucky me!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Boys Are Stupid Well an uneventful evening with Pitch. With certainty now, nothing is going to happen romantically. And as Dr. B predicted, I want to go out clubbing to soothe my feelings of wanting to feel attractive. Put on my little black dress and tall boots and go. And, I probably will, Chris is already out and has texted me to join him at an event, and I already know if I don't go tonight, I cannot go tomorrow night or next weekend. On the other hand, what the #%@&! is hanging out another night with Chris going to do for me either. Woo hoo for being the 'cool chick' to hang out with. Well I guess Dr. B had an impact on me this week and I am seeing things through a different lens. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Prince Albert in a Can. #1 - Chris & Ian, Prop was supposed to be spinning but checked out most of the night while some EBM chick took over. Music sucked until very late a 3rd dj came on and played some Thrill Kill Kult for me and I was able to get some dancing in. A couple of Michael's friends were there, (a female couple) ones he introduced me to the night we last crossed paths @#2, 4th of July that was, when I was a wreck. They didn't even acknowledge me until late. D was there and several times I caught him looking down the emptyish bar at me; eventually he went downstairs after L and DK migrated to #2. DJ M & his sidekick were there; B & X also and were cordial. It was pretty empty and I spoke quite a bit with E. She bought me an apple shot (which I accepted) but other than that I stuck with pop and water. Things are better when I don't drink. The boys and Michael's friends hung out quite a bit then when #1 closed the gang couldn't decide what to do next. They ended up going to #3 (no cover and some live entetainment. I just wasn't in the mood to go. I split off with the thought I'd just hop a cab home, but then I decided to just go to directly to #2. Maybe someone would be there. As it turns out, no not really, Carlton was there but absorbed w/a new girl; but Ian and Chris arrived within 45 minutes anyway. Al from the last industrial night arrived and enthusiastially tried to chat me up and kept telling me how good I look. It's nice to hear that once in a while, even if from a less than desirable entity. The boys later took to calling him the "Kung Fu Master" and teasing me about his obvious 'thing' for me. These two youngish dark-haired girls were there again, the shorter of which Carlton was previously trying to interest Chris in. Carlton's approach to girls is to find easy ones and lots of them and he's trying to push that off on Chris who wants none of it. I asked Chris to remind me of their names and the reply was "Dumb" and "Dumber". Errrr. That was rude, I guess he's a little annoyed with them or the whole situation. Anyway just for a lark I looked at him and said "Wow. I hope you don't talk that way about me behind my back." And he got agitated in his little way and said "No, I say great things about you behind your back." and he meant it. And I said "I say great things about you too.". : ) It was nice. Cause out of the 3 of them he's really the only one who really matters to me. I don't know what in the heck he even sees in me as a friend but on some level, it works. Better to not question it too much. It is going to wayy suck when he meets someone and I don't get so much of his attention. In any event #3 was a bit sparse and they got to closing a bit earlier than normal. DK&L left about 10 minutes after I got there. It was more EBM but just before they started the 'chase you out of here' cheese music they played Ministry - "Just One Fix" to close the night and I got to beat the snot out of the tile. Not running as much or as hard due to my ongoing lower limb problems, I can see the difference in my stamina on the dance floor. Afterward the 4 of us headed out to breakfast at the same place. DJ Prop was there with an apparent gf. We were sitting in the window and Kung Fu Master walked by the place; more jibes and jabs ensued. Ham, cheese and mushroom omelet, home potatoes, toast - with butter and jam. I was bursting out of my dress. Today (since I am finishing this on Sunday), I must find a way to run or get some other exercise. Ian has been dating a "known" entity, and the boys are going to an underground once-a-month invite-only soiree tonight. To which I am invited by association if I didn't have to be a good girl and go to bed early for volunteering in the morning. I am curious and may tag along next month if things are still in this train. Ah, learned from Kung Fu Master that another industrial night is planned for 2 weeks. Which is a weekend I am free. Yay. Its sooooo rare to have a night where I can dance to virtually any song and just keep going and going. I got a whole 3 hours or so of sleep again. Right now its either nap, or coffee, then hopefully a run in the woods. The mild weather is a real gift not to be wasted. Last edited on 18 July 2009 04:28 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A Gift Not to Be Wasted The gift I received today isn't the one I contemplated above. Rather, I fell back to sleep at 10:30AM after hitting the send key and didn't wake up until after 4PM. Refreshed and rested. Calm. Unusually calm. No boys or clubbing or black dresses or boots or anything else. So I grabbed my journal and headed over to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a bit of journaling on the patio. And when I get these moments of clarity, it is so soulful and painful and optimistic and depressing all at the same time. I had tears in my eyes and then felt strong and then actually the tears started rolling out and I had to bolt for my car and leave. The flood of empty and questioning and possibility and regrets and skewed priorities and energy wasted on wrong people (Carlton, really, what am I thinking?) and lack of knowing what I want, was clear, too clear...and as the grey cloud hovered over my SUV on the way home, and the tears kept swelling out uncontrollably, I turned into the alley toward my garage and dreaded going home to my quiet house, all alone with my thoughts... ...just then my cell rang and it was S...I almost didn't pick up because I didn't feel like I could respond in kind to her usually super-positive self...but I did and told her up front that I was having a melancholy day...and she responded by admitting the same...and we had an hour-long girl-to-girl talk which eliminated my sense of isolation, of wrong people, and included a huge belly laugh about a networking site thread gone wild from last night which included Pitch, S and a couple of other folks. In addition, next weekend is a h.s. reunion weekend and S is flying up and expects to spend the night over next Sunday, at which time 'the box' from the basement, the one I had to put aside until I was ready, is expected to be opened and amongst its contents we can share in those notes which were passed around in h.s. I am going to try to take the following day/morning off just so we can make the most of our time together. I've nearly tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat right now, thinking how THAT quality of a friendship, a relationship, is something to be valued, and all of these shallow people from the clubs who are NOT my friends, who are just out to have fun, and who are the WRONG people to be attempting to cultivate 'friendships' with, because they don't have that expectation or intention in the first place. Now, this is natually obvious to most people, but me being how dumb I am about people and relationships, and being an emotional F-Tard to boot, well, I just don't 'get it' most of the time. My gift today was objectivity. Sure hope it sticks around for a while. Sleep is a huge factor. I am happy to be volunteering tomorrow and I am trying to get to sleep by 10:30 tonight as I expect to get up at 5 in the AM. Seems like spending the rest of the night thinking about goals and what I really want out of this life is a good idea. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Spend the last hour or so reading Loose Girl a memoir of promiscuity which Chris just finished and loaned me on Sunday. So far it is very good. I've missed reading and its nice to have something which has really grabbed my attention where I don't want to put it down. I just came back online before turning out the lights because my tongue swelled up again and is a bit painful and white looking. In the past two hours I have eaten: baked scoops; organic salsa; and - again - a number of Triscuits (maybe 6 or so). It has to be a food reaction because I am certainly not sick. Rising Moon Organics Salsa Medium Tango w/Black Beans & Corn INGREDIENTS: Water, Organic Black Beans, Organic Diced Tomatoes (Organic Tomatoes, Organic Tomato Juice, Calcium Chloride, Citric Acid), Organic Tomato Paste, Organic Corn, Organic Onions, Organic Green Pepper, Organic Apple Cider Vinegar, Organic Cilantro, Sea Salt, Organic Dry Minced Garlic, Organic Cornstarch, Organic Jalapeno Powder, Organic Spices, Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C). Tostitos Baked Scoops! Tortilla Chips INGREDIENTS: Whole Corn, Vegetable Oil (Contains One or More of the following: Corn, Sunflower, and/or Soybean Oil), and Salt. Nabisco Triscuit Crackers Baked Whole Grain Original Last edited on 19 July 2009 07:52 pm by mollymoo24 |
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zenobia Moderator
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you should go get yourself tested for allergies. they could be cause more internal problems than you may know. oh, and i just googled "swollen tongue" and there was a page that listed 245 causes of a swollen tongue. save yourself the guess work and go to the dr. i think it's great that you have a friend like S. everyone needs a someone like that. i hope you have a good night with your thoughts. take care. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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No Good Deed Goes Unpunished So I set two alarms to ensure that I wouldn't let folks down this morning - got up, stopped @ Starbucks, and was at the event site at 6AM sharp. After tussling with the tent and totes and giveway stuff, which was much heavier than I expected, I found out where I was supposed to set up and recruited a few 'neighboring' tentmeisters to help me set up. Good thing, because the "6 or 7 other volunteers" for whom I was recruited to be "point person" without knowing my @ss from a hole in the ground, never showed up. Not a one. I manned that booth by myself, collecting email addys, talking people up etc. When I broke down and hauled everything back to the car (lighter now thankfully, having given away several hundred Power Bars), I got to tackle the flat tire I got because of a nail. I called Roadside then was proud of myself as I figured out how to use the onboard air compressor and inflatable spare. When Roadside finally arrived 1:15 later, it was discovered that my lug lock was missing. My freaking dealer is responsible. So, Roadside can't do anything to help me, as there is no dealer open on Sunday and there is no lug lock to be had. Only option - flatbed my SUV, store it for the night, and they will take it to the dealer in the AM. They had to order a flatbed which arrived 1:15 later. Finally, then I got to take a cab home. Ah well, look what I accomplished all by myself today and the girl who I was helping was really grateful for my support. Plus, at least the lakefront harbor was an interesting place to be stranded. I'd drive over now and treat myself to a Starbucks but don't have a vehicle to drive and my ankle is hurting so I can't walk. I really need to go for a run because I am getting to be Molly fat@ss again, I had a hot dog and chips down by the lakefront while waiting for the flatbed. Power of suggestion. Well, I guess I will do toning a bit later. Righ now I will get on with my myriad other to-do's including work on the overseas transfer front. Brewing up some Starbucks here @ home and will take quiet the rest of the day/evening. Neediness I did have Loose Girl with me so I continued reading while I was waiting. I am just about 1/4 way in and there was a passage that hit home. A guy she was seeing/sleeping with broke up with her. He wasn't very serious, just having 'fun' and broke it off when it (she) started wanting 'more' and that stopped being fun . She on the other hand, exuded a stink of desperation as she went grasping, trying to understand, trying to win back his interest, and even though she knew recognized her neediness it didn't stop her from pulling out all the stops including getting him drunk and throwing herself at him...she recognized that her friends didn't act this way about guys, but it was something inside her that needed that constant attention, reassurance, all the time, to feel 'okay' about herself, that 'someone' liked her enough to want to be with her. It reminds me somewhat of me, to be honest. The good thing is that, based on the synopsis, she'll get it figured out in the end and end up happy. So, I think this will continue to be a very good read. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sunday Hue I suspected I might be headed down this path when I arrived home via cab @ 1:30 on a grey Sunday afternoon, with work ahead of me and no vehicle to transport me to Starbucks or somewhere - anywhere - else. And an ankle which is too injured to run or even walk far. Sunday afternoon/evening is always tough for me, and being stuck here is the worst. The house is silent except for the hum of the refrigerator. There is always the dread of the work week ahead, of being behind on things I was supposed to get done, of feeling lonely and alone, even if that solitude is self-imposed due to planning to work. I gravitate to the networking site and check for messages too often instead of staying focused and plowing through the work which needs to be done, so perhaps I could justify watching a movie or calling a friend or something. It could be from forgetting the Wellbutrin earlier and from screwing up my sleep schedule and from getting up early today; it could be coming to terms with the fact that there is 'no one' special right now, not even anyone I can claim interest in. It could just be Sunday, or it could be a whole bunch of things. But I just ate more food that I really didn't need and have no motivation to do toning. Eh. I don't even want to try. I just want the world to go away for a while. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Eh. And as I hit "send" the phone rang and it was S. I knew what it was about and good friend that I am, I took the call anyway. She's recently met up with a guy we graduated H.S. with a few times, he lives in another city, but they've been keeping up via the networking site. She wrote to him earlier today and they've just confirmed 'mutual like' in advance of the reunion next week. So, I am happy for her. She's the kind of gal that many men fall over to be with, she generally has no difficulty getting what she wants. Me on the other hand, well, I am sitting here with a plate of pasta and eating #%@&! I don't need for about the 20th day in a row, dateless and depressed. It might be time for some chocolate and a nice girlie movie. I don't think I am going to get much work/planning done. Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite and it is so good for a day like this. The Cure - A Night Like This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joHcumCAkCM&feature=PlayList&p=EF117323B9C703EB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=45 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Getting "Chirpy People" Help Just took a little walk with C-Dog. We both enjoyed it. We saw several bunnies and quite a few other dogs. I was thinking about going to get ice cream to cap off my comfort-eating day, but with no car its either a walk to the 7-11 or forget it. I was thinking a hot fudge sundae from DQ but no mind. L called a while ago. Unexpected; he was driving back from visiting some old friends of his (who became my friends too, until the divorce). I'd asked him yesterday via text f I could use the Michigan house one night during a festival, but he responded that he wasn't sure, he might be using it that weekend for the same purpose. Well today he's no more sure than he was yesterday; but he was talking about wanting to go up, but not being able to get anyone to go with, and what were my plans, and how long did I want to stay, and what about the following weekend for another event. It seemed he was feeling his way around to suggesting that we go up there together, or at least "at the same time". Part of me likes the comfort of the idea, of old times, of our favorite place in the world, the place where we were always happy and relaxed, with an old friend. But the rational side of me knows it is not a good idea, we are not in a place where we could go as 'friends' and my neediness right would likely impair my judgement and wreak havoc. Well, at least the funk has cleared a little bit. It was pretty ugly for a while. I'm busy getting my calendar updated and responding to emails. Not progressing Europe tonight like I should be (perhaps this is a sign I don't really want it; or more likely, I am avoiding the stress I have come to associate with the whole scheme). And...for a good laugh, coach Steve sent me this tonight: Newsroom / FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4tugPM83c Gotta love the Onion. |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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I can't wait to show my husband that video! It's just like me! Thankful though my bipolar condition keeps this anoyance in check! He he |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Haagen-Dazs chocolate. Pure. Simple. Sinful. I walked over to 7-11 and actually lightly jogged about .3m, my ankle said..."hmmmm you are at the limit and tempting fate here honey, one false move and you're done"...still I am such an addict, the motion felt divine. Walked back though. Somehow, Salsa Verde Doritos jumped into my bag too. Comfort eating? I should be pretty darn comfortable the rest of the night! Debt repayments start tomorrow. It's difficult without the magic eraser. I will have to see if I can clip out of my bike, its my left ankle, the one I clip out with. In fact, I think that is how this strain started, when I nearly wiped on the bike Friday due to a stupid driver stopping across the bike lane; and I am sure I made it worse Friday night out dancing "pounding the tile". Would sure be nice if I could keep my calves and ankles healthy. Some of the tests I am going to be having run in the near term are aimed at why I have muscle rigidity and lack of sensation in my ankles sometimes when I run. Its been waxing and waning most of this year and I cannot get back into solid good condition. It's bilateral and they are initially checking to see if I have some kind of spinal compression going on. XRays look alright. MRI this week. My maternal aunt has been having issues with peripheral neuropathy the past couple of years and it will be a sad thing for me if I suffer the same fate. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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Mol- Hope you find out what's wrong with your ankles soon (and that it's not serious!) I love haagan daz too! *drool* |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thanks Once! I hope I didn't send you on an ice cream detour by power of suggestion! Michael has been out of town the past 5 days and just posted on the networking site to a (fabulously gorgeous female) friend about coming back into town tomorrow and needing a night out, did she want to go out. Well I shouldn't expect he'd be knocking down my door wanting to hang out with me, even though he said something about getting together this week. I am too busy anyway but the point is, it would be nice if he still wanted to. I am just like that needy girl in the book. Wanting to hang on to something; wanting some validation that I have something to offer that is still interesting or worthwhile to him; willing to be friends with him because its better than having nothing at all. Its not really him per se. I mean yeah, he is super sexy and cool and artistic and has a magnetic personality. Physically he's built rock solid and immoveable. He's smart too, experienced in many ways and really gets people. I'd love to be with someone like him. But he is also extremely controlling and dominant. He has a fierce mean streak if you ever cross the line with him, you're done. He also doesn't come close to realizing his full potential as an artist (I haven't figured out why, either) or in any other occupation. Anyway, rather, its the "idea" of him, the way that he made me feel back in the beginning, when the chase was on, when I finally was won, when he took me to #2 and we made an appearance together, when my texts went off several times each day, when I had his attention. How is it that losing the attention of a guy can make me feel bad about myself? Could I have done anything different and would I have wanted to? Wasn't I just being me? I'd better get back to reading that book so I can learn how she manages to change her mindset in the end. Boys suck. Nyah! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Subconscious Workings My subconscious must have been working all night. I awoke with a single cry, a sob, nearly demented for an instant. Sheer recognition of the fact at this point, should Michael and I somehow get together and actually talk, it is probably so far removed in time from the actual events that he won't have much to say about the actual words or deeds which are seared into my own brain, in part supported by my journaling. Even before we got involved, Michael had shared with me his perspective, being polyamorous, that romantic relationships come and go and eventually run their course. He has had two very long term exlusive ones so I know he doesn't mean necessarily weeks or months. That when the relationship has run its course he prefers to remain 'friends' but it is up to the other person whether that it possible. So, it is increasingly unlikely that there will be a meaningful conversation or provide a real sense of closure or transition with him. Michael has a lot of life's wisdom and knows himself thoroughly and that is someone it would be a benefit for me to have a friendship with. He challenges his friends to question and then move on through the answers. He's a samurai decision maker and he 'gets it', mentally hard as nails. I greatly admire and value that aspect of him. However, I think that I also cling to the 'friendship' concept to avoid the other outcome - the insecurity of feeling discarded, forgotten. He'd never consciously "use" people. That is not his way. I know that he didn't use me. I also know that he feels no animosity because, as he pointed out, I'd know it if he was angry with me, there would be a brick wall. The fact of the matter is, that between my neediness and how I acted when I was drunk the last two times I saw him, I have felt like I had no right to "demand" a conversation or his attention. Perhaps that is a mistake, but I didn't want to push it too far, and I probably benefitted from having some time to let raw emotions settle a bit. So as a former girlfriend, I don't want to be calling him, but as a friend, well, he expects people to call him. He doesn't typically initiate, he lets people come to him, to make plans. However, if I initiate right now, it looks/feels I am going begging, even though he would not see it that way at all. Eh. This blows. Some kind of closure would have been nice. Why does it ache so much this morning? I don't have the emotional bandwith this week to afford thinking about this. Its amazing, he was out of town 5 days and I was fine. The minute he gets back here, this all stirs up again. It's amazing the mark some people can leave on you over a short period of time, isn't it? I gotta get my day started. I am sure I will be back. I've been here a lot lately. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Before I go....and probably all of you know this song... Green Day - Good Riddance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClhNPb3mmpI "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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I love that song, it has just the right amount of melancholy. As a fellow survivor of dating and men my advice to you is to play the "cool" chick card and strive daily to be "that girl". The girl who walks through the door and everyone asks who she is, because she's glamorous, confident and amazing looking. Or at least that's what I do! lol, in a small town I have to keep my dignity somehow! The idea is that every guy who was too stupid to snatch you up and beg you to marry him (because you are mol, know that, you're absolutely amazing) will think, "why did I let her go?" |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl wrote: strive daily to be "that girl". The girl who walks through the door and everyone asks who she is, because she's glamorous, confident and amazing looking. Or at least that's what I do! lol, in a small town I have to keep my dignity somehow! Ah, Once, this is good advice. I did my toning and went for a bit of a walk/run/walk/run with my ankle in a support. My back and hip are bothering me and I am noticing more of a sensation emanating from my lower back into my right leg, which is the side where I have an old SI injury. Perhaps this IS all related. Something else, when I do certain toning exercises, the muscles in the arches of my feel always "pull" and cramp, like the side-swing-curl thing during my abs. Anyway the exercise felt great and I completed I'd say close to 3 miles in 44 minutes. It is so important to my well being, liberating, balancing to have physical exercise. Definitely cannot continue to let my job get in my way. I've lost track of time and need to hurry and get a shower and a cab downtown for another sales training. One thing to get down though that occurred to me during my run. This book Loose Girl has cause me to revisit the topics of attraction, and neediness lately and today, I was thinking about L. How I picked the nicest but neediest guy, the guy who only had 1 prior girlfriend, who didn't know how to be independent, the one who would never leave me on his own. He had me on a pedestal. Not only did he love me for who I was, but there was no risk that he'd ever cheat or go astray or want to be with anyone else. It was giving me what I needed to feel more secure about myself, more settled, to move beyond the doubt of attractiveness, but at the same time it wasnot really giving me what I needed. So profound...to be continued... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Rock Star Mol So, Once, inspired by your comments, I decided to get my 'Rock Star' Mol on for the sales meeting today. It doesn't matter the setting really,because it is a habit one should get into in all aspects of life. In fact, I know when Michael was first attracted to me (and D for that matter), I was exuding an awful lot of 'That Girl'. That was also when Marc was in the picture, and Ian. Even Pitch. How I lost "it" then I don't know. "It" pokes its head out occasionally but hasn't been a regular part of my routine. I've got my favorite suit on and funky Mol jewelry that just fits me, not quite corporate but not too far out there. Lookin good... I made a point last night of slowing down and making eye contact and really saying 'hello' to people, and try to make more of a connection. Because I tend to treat interpersonal interactions as "transactional" by default - like the bike store owner the other day. There are probably loads of things I could learn from him and he'd probably enjoy teaching and talking about, not just selling me a pair of high end gloves. Eh. Social nervousness and anxiety. I get over my presentation anxiety by assuring myself that everyone in the audience wants me to succeed, and I think the same thing can be true for interpersonal. You can make engagements anything you want them to be, and I have a bad habit of making them not worth very much - again presuming that I have nothing to offer people. I am looking forward to presenting today, it's going to be fun. I am going to connect with people and no be transactional. In the cab now, heading downtown. Oh, and the dealer just called, my tire is fixed and they ordered a new lug lock for me. No charge, because I am a 'good customer. You bet I am, I've sure kept them busy this year! OK back later to report on the "rock concert". |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Best Mol I Can Be A quick stop in while my cell phone is charging before I head off to Starbucks. It was really fun channelling "Munich Energy Mol" during my presentation and before and after, and people responded. I have known some of these folks for so long, and what joy it can be to really stop, and listen, and look them in the eye, and trade a real hug instead of sitting disracted and anxious in a corner until it is my turn to present. And - I am really glad I looked and presented as well as I did, as one of our Board of Directors was in the audience, a critical person whose approval will be necessary if my new position is to pan out. Afterward in the cab to go get my SUV, and on the way back to the city I connected with a few friends and my Dad. I am going to have a nice breakfast & walk with my Dad on Saturday AM, and take a boat ride with J & M on Saturday afternoon in between the h.s. events. A full weekend with some of the very most important people in my life. It will be very grounding I am sure. Thanks Once for inspiring me today to be the best Mol I can be. OK I am off to FINISH plotting my takeover of Europe. I think I had an ephiphany on the cab ride. I feel irresistable and extremely flirty. Off to Starbucks and my evening awaits! |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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mollymoo24 wrote:
I bet you charmed their socks off Mol! People can really tell when you feel like a million bucks, it's an aura you exude and believe me, when you're putting off that vibe you really shine! Have fun tonight! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Traffic in Starbucks has been light and there really wasn't much opportunity to turn my aura into genuine mischief. However I managed to drop off the supplies from Sunday's event @ the bike shop just after they closed and the last staff member was still finishing up some work. I made the point of connecting personally for a few minutes and it felt good. There are some great guys that work at that shop for sure. I've put in some good focused work tonight on my proposal and it is taking shape. One thing I have to figure out is the cost if I ask them to get me a furnished apartment I can use as a 'home base' in the UK. Compared to the cost of relocating me altogether. I could stand to come over for 3 months initially and then periodically thereafter, and that might be the best plan for the business. However I am falling asleep now and am going to go home and call it a night. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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My back was really bothering me this morning and I can actually feel little numbness or electrical charges radiating down my legs so I guess there is something going on. Still trading messages with the Dr. to get the MRI set. Further, I just got a period surprise which is usually when my back hurts anyway. Well that certainly explains the chocolate ice cream and Doritos!! Its a surprise because on my online period calendar it says I am on day 41 yet I didn't think it had been that long; I think I had some spotting somewhere in the middle that I forgot to log but cannot find anything in my CPH diary to give me a clue. Needless to say, day 41 doesn't compute, at all, to any cycle - whether its 24 or 28 days. My body is simply screwed up.Gotta run. I ate too much sugar today and Rock Star Mol is presently sugar coma Mol. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Heh. I failed to mention that I thought the guy from the bike shop was super nice and rather 'my type' physically. Not sure I want to even think about exploring whether I might like someone from there because that would be an altogether different pool to start peeing in. However, my friend was in there today picking up the stuff I'd dropped off and unsolicited he told her I was "very nice" and "cute". Yay! Told you I was irresistable yesterday. I am heading over to Starbucks and will likely see Dell as he is reguarly there on Tuesdays studying with his friend whose name I never quite catch as its Morroccan and my ears can't grasp the sound. Guess I will find out what effect the dragon tattoos had on his burning desire. LOL. I feel mischievous again though so this should be particularly fun. Anyway believe it or not I am going over there to finish working on Europe. I made a lot of progress last night, really moving forward, but its still not finalized. I 'have to think of everything' that is how I work, no one catches Mol sleeping on the job. That's why I am so good at what I do, it just takes me a lot longer cause I am more thorough than most people. All righty then... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Swoon So I was sitting on Starbucks patio and bike shop guy walked by after work. He didn't see me, I don't think, but I sure saw him, striding with intent...and motorcycle gear on, helmet in hand. Black jacket with skull on the back. He disappeared around the corner of the building and then a minute later I heard the engine and he popped out of the alley and disappeared down the street. Bestill my heart. Guess Mol has a new interest. I can't wipe this smile off my face. Stay tuned. And oh yeah, Dell's friend is here, but "himself" is not. Good. I can simply enjoy my moment in peace. |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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that is so hilarious. I was going to write to you after your last post and say wouldn't it be something if bicycle joe piped into starbucks while you were there tonight. Decided against it but I sure thought about it. So there you go. Just never know. Have a nice night mol. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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Oh motorcycle gear! I'm a sucker for a man on a bike! What site do you use to track your cycle? I'd be really interested in using it to track mine, they're kind of all over the place too. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl wrote: What site do you use to track your cycle? I'd be really interested in using it to track mine, they're kind of all over the place too. http://www.mymonthlycycle.com It's been a great tool to have some insight as to what is happening. I've got something like 4 years worth of history on there but once you have 6 or 8 cycles you should really start seeing the value from it. Last edited on 22 July 2009 10:09 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I am on break from the conference again. Today is the offsite team workshops and team building events. Eating is waaaayy out of control again. I have no will and am consuming whatever I want in whatever quantities including sugary things. I also am dying for a cigarette. I This is my 3rd or 4th day off the Wellbutrin, I wasn't feeling right on the 300's and stopped taking them every day but I guess other things are coming out of the woodwork as a result. I sitting in my car in the parking lot, looking for a quiet place to sit and decompress before we do bowling (which I am going to sit thru since my back and left ankle are giving me probs) followed by a 2-hour dinner, which I don't need at this point. Earlier we played bocce, that was kind of fun. I think after this I will go take a Wellbutrin and see if I can avoid anything except salad and a small amount of plain protein for dinner. No more carbs. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I am back out in my SUV in the parking lot. I found one of the other managers to sub for me in the bowling and sat on the sidelines for about an hour as a general cheerleader and goodwill person. Unfortunately I also ate the veggie/cheese panini and calamari they had out, while also completely forgetting the 'dry for July' pledge and joining in with a draft beer. Either my back is getting worse or I am more attuned now to the sensations after seeing the doctor. The numb pulses going down to my toes and also the ones at the bra-line going out to the elbows and fingertips and the old ones in the neck even acting up. I am having a fit of depression and I came back out to grab the Wellbutrin (which I forgot) and just get away for a few minutes. This bites. Why can't I be a normal person? Why in the #%@&! do I have to get so freaking depressed to the point I can't hide it and have to run off to avoid detection? And about 15 people have asked why I am not bowling and I don't want to make a big deal out of my back because it could eff up everything about going overseas. It's probably better that I am not in there, because 'out of sight, out of mind'. I've been also checking text all day which is really stupid because who do I think is even going to text me these days? Maybe I am just looking for stimulation, these workshops were really dry and I am rather ADD... |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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mollymoo24 wrote:
I feel like this all the time. Medication seems so ridiculous, until you stop taking it and everything starts falling to pieces! When I start feeling this way I step back and take a good inventory of everything I have going for myself. For example: You have a career that pays well in a #%@&! economy (how many people can say that?). You've taken steps to control your eating and your weight. You look great in a mini dress and boots! And you're so down to earth Mol, don't forget what a great person you are. Your flaw is daily medication, that's my flaw too! It's not a very big or bad flaw to have, and it seems like you have it pretty under control. Awareness is half the battle. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thanks Once. Sometimes we just have bad days and we have to regroup and recommit. It will always be a struggle and we will never be perfect, being wired the way we are. We just have to try to keep the mistakes from being too bad or too prolonged, forgive ourselves, and move on. Tomorrow will be a better day - I promise myself!! Taking Inventory Well the damage was far worse than I expected. I really didn't do anything to curb the caloric train wreck and ate every darn bad thing available. My stomach is distended. I had another beer and 1/3. There was so much food. And dessert. I've had terrible gas. However, I did come home and go for a brisk walk of 3.25 miles in 53 mins. I've got myself stressed. Tomorrow I have very focused and clear goals and cannot let anything get in the way 1. Turn in position proposal to Europe Veep 2. Straighten out HR's issues with Reorg 3. Do laundry and pack for h.s. reunion weekend (what to wear)? 4. 400 Calories 5. Toning 6. Wellbutrin (which believe it or not I totally forgot again so it is a fresh start in the AM) I just got hit with another wave of angst over Michael; really more about me, starting to get angry with myself for giving him more credit as a human being than possibly he deserves, same as I did with D. Like I want to project some redeeming qualities onto him because then I am not such a schmuck for liking them and making the choices and sacrificies and giving them them parts of me that I did. I guess I am not going to hear from him and I will eventually cross paths with him at one of the clubs and its going to be a wall and it just seems so unnecessary for it to end like that. But I cannot invest any more in trying for a softer landing. I have to let it go, and I know that it will become less and less important with every day and week that passes by. Pitch just called; highly unusual, he is saying I should have let him know about the bocce thing because I was right by his house and he'd have invited me to dinner. [If he only knew how much freaking dinner I ate, ugh.] We don't talk of the phone often so its a surprise, especially this late and also knowing that we are going to be seeing each other both Friday and Saturday nights. I don't know what gives, perhaps he's just in a mood. Maybe he's getting anxious about the h.s. reunion and needs to reach out to a friend for reassurance. That is probably it. Andrew also called a little while ago to ask for some carpooling assistance to the reunion events which I can readily help with as his sisters' house is right on the way to the events. When I went for my walk, I went into Starbucks ostensibly to purchase water but really to see if Dell was there but he was not. However, there was a fine dark-haired, dark-eyed god working on his laptop on the patio who I wouldn't mind running into some time. Rock Star Mol was in action and it really is amazing how much attention one gets when one is exercising their aura. I also walked past a tattoo place which looks very interesting and the eye candy in there was quite fine also. New band to check out called Blank Dogs. Too tired to post links right now but reminiscent of She Wants Revenge; influences seem to be early New Order/JD, even a little early Duran Duran. Mmmmmmmmmmm. OK this post is going nowhere in particular. I am going to grab Loose Girl for a bit then sleeeeeeep. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Restorative This luxurious moment deserves to be remembered. I may pay for it later, but, well, today is like eating a piece of chocolate creme pie. Being bad can feel soooooo good. I overslept. I don't know if I forgot entirely to turn on my alarm, or if I reached out in my sleep and turned it off because I was so exhausted. In any event, an hour and a half of extra sleep and I feel much more rested. I am missing part of the conference, but it was part I had planned to pull out of so I could work on Europe. In any event, I feel sooooo much better and now, after a nice shower I am just gathering up my things so I can head to the office and have a "power day". The sun is out and it is unbelievably gorgeous. Quietude, with some birds chirping. C-Dog moaning agreeably as he stretches over onto his side. I don't think I can run much today yet because of the ankle but would like to get in a walk and perhaps a little jogging in the woods this afternoon. I miss my woods. I am still yucky bloated (actually I almost threw up this morning) but hopefully a lo cal day and a little exercise will take care of that. Have I not reflected before on the Importance of Sleep? Amen. I just had to come here in a gorgeous, re-set, re-balanced and re-stated state of being. Today is going to be a Very Good Day. I think I will dilly dally just a few moments extra and stop @ Starbucks on the way in. Too err is human. To make the most of it - divine. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Sleep is a Wish Sleep is NOT going to be in the cards tonight apparently. I've been editing Europe, nearly ready to send it, tired as heck, doing laundry, and still have to write a position description and figure out what I am going to wear to the reunion festivities and pack. Its going to be a very very very late one but I am doing my best and it is all important stuff. I did go for a run after work, the first mile and a half the left ankle injury needed to be treated gingerly but it actually did a bit better after that when it was really warmed up. On the other hand, still had the issue with the lower calves/ankles/feet locking up and going numb under me, where I run for a bit and then have to walk a block or so and then can run a bit again. Finished on a strong note though, and I was happy at times to be moving along at a good clip. 3.1M 2.8J 0.3W 35:15. Yay. Food today - no dinner - was probably around 1200IN. Egg+toast for brekkie then I added a piece of banana bread (450). Salad and pizza for lunch (600). Managed to NOT eat a cookie or any other dessert type offering, it is good that I successfully managed to say NO to something, finally! What a caloric week! Don't know when I will have another chance to post. But I am frustrated that Pitch sent a text this morning saying how great it was talking with me last night. WTF am I supposed to do with that? OK gotta run.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Europe is in the hands of the Europe Veep for now. I have a call with him first thing Monday. Hope to get a favorable reaction to the proposal because it is a lot of work for naught. Working on that job description, is also a ton of work. The guy who holds the job is multi-talented but he's a detail guy and fails miserably at a 60,000 foot view of his responsibilities. So I am writing the dang thing for him. He apparently has not had an updated job description since 2001, so it is about time. I found out at 2:45 today that I have to have 4 positions updated by Noon tomorrow to meet a timeline to make changes effective August 1. At least only one is a "radical" rewrite and I have the other 3 done. I guess I just stopped in for a much-needed a break for a few minutes. I am really tired. Its going on 1:30. Laundry is done but I haven't packed yet. Had my shower, did the dishes and got the spare bedroom ready for the housesitter/dogsitter. I will pack in the morning I think. Once I get past this crud, I will hopefully have a great time this weekend and really be able to relax and get some fresh air. That is, if I am not asleep on my feet! Hope everyone has a great weekend. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Am presently sitting by the lake, a venti Starbucks at hand sitting on the little bistro table. There is a strong breeze and warm sun, the sound of the waves rushing against the seawall is so pleasant...few boats this early and mostly just the sounds of nature surround. I am glad to say that I don't feel like writing much this morning, maybe because things feel so good right now. I ran/walked a bit more than 5 miles yesterday (1:19) after arriving at dad's to burn off the big stress of the week and get into a more balanced state. Funny I was jogging along a busy road and a car pulled over - in it were S and another friend and it was a funny coincidence, they were just back from visiting Andrew at his sister's house, another weave of threads. I dilly dallied getting ready to go out and tried on several outfits....sexy clubby Mol? artsy bohemian Mol? understated casual but slightly sexy Mol? Bingo. Ah it was a very good time at a bar in the heart of the hometown. S, Andrew, and Pitch of course, plus a veritable slew of other people from the networking site. Ooops low battery. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK charged up again and to finish... Had a great time, did some dancing. Both the dj (who was hired for the event) and the doorman were trying to place me...turns out we THINK it was from back in 1992, I dj'd at this one place a few times and they both worked there...funny, I mean that was 17 years ago...no one forgets a pretty face I guess (LOL). I am off to see J&M in a little while, then joining up with folks over @ Andrew's sisters to ride wave runners and use the pool. Good thing I look decent in a swimsuit these days. :) Life is Good. It is really really good. I mean, in the sense that, I am so fortunate that I have a good job, and I have my Dad and his gf, and this lovely backyard on the water, and friends who help me to feel grounded, and how people seem to think 'the new Mol' is rather interesting. I mean, my story I guess, the whole Rip Van Winkle/rabbit hole/weight loss/divorce, clubby, fun, travelling, musical, writing Mol who is thinking about relocating to England. It's rather fun to go to a h.s. reunion and have something to talk about other than "married, 3 kids, yeah the oldest starts h.s. next year, I still live in xxxx and my life is my kids". I mean, I respect the heck out of everyone and love them for who they are and the choices they make and that's all cool. They have great lives too. I am just saying, I find that people are well...just darn interested in someone who has taken a different path and who has all the freedom of choice that I do, that I have created for myself. It didn't come easily and there surely have been difficult choices and times along the way, but yeah, people seem to wish they could be me, at least for a little slice of time. And it reminds me of how good I really do have it, when I can only stop and appreciate it like I am right now. Life is Good. And now I am going to get back to living it.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Party Barge I visited with J&M for about 2 hours, then headed off to Andrew's sisters' place. I thought we were going to use the Waverunners. We did after a fashion but only to shuttle to one of those huge party barge parties where everyone hooks up the boats, there was a live band playing and ironically, the dj from last night was working the sound. I only know this because he told me last night; I didn't actually see him. J was supposed to give him my phone # later on because she was going to the same bar where he normally works - but alas she couldn't get near the booth, the place was jammed. I wasn't attracted to him but his vinyl collection rather, I just like meeting interesting people and wouldn't mind hanging out and playing records. Pitch was his usual self. Meaning, his usual self around crowds - jovial, putting on a happy front, having a bit of fun but not really enjoying himself. I got really frustrated tonight around him as I again came face to face with the fact that we are, and only will ever be friends. Further, I am starting to wonder if the intimacy of our friendship is waning. At this point, I intend to have no further contact with him unless he initiates. I want to employ this for a while. Perhaps through August. And we shall see what we see. On the other hand I now have to talk about someone new. "Shred". He apparently graduated a year after us and while I don't specifically remember him, we seem to have a mutual interest. He offered me his card last night and then I saw him tonight and while we didn't talk much before he left he said he wants me to call him and to do something next week. Another city dweller who came out to the festivities, although he headed back down to finish the evening in the city. He lives downtown and I don't know his full story but so far know that he produces "D" grade horror flicks and that he is working on a website design for a gal from our h.s. who designs motorcycle fashions for chicks. He also says that he has a large pad and hosts a lot of parties, having a theater room, pool tables, etc. We will see. He's not very fit which is a turnoff. And I've got a feeling he has "been there done that seen it all", having a "cocksure" attitude like Michaels which means that there is nothing that I can say or do that they haven't seen before. Jaded. Andrew didn't make it tonight, too imbibed from the boat party. I see the tragedy there which is echoed in my own life with the alcohol. I adore him but need to watch out. I enjoyed meeting folks that I wasn't really friends with in h.s. to begin with. One who vacationed in Iceland for example. EF came out with her bf for a bit, but I was annoyed. They had dinner, didn't mingle much and her bf wanted to go pretty quickly. I am not a huge fan of said bf, though I don't dislike him, I don't like him either and think that she can do much better, and I wish that she would. Well this is a post about nothing. I wanted to write a post about my agitation earlier tonight and trying to understand it, but it didn't happen. I guess it is for another time and I have to be satisfied for now with the short bit I wrote in the Book of Mol today. Gnight. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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"Me" Time I stuck to my plans for the day. Got up early and had brekkie w/Dad and his girlfried; he took me a for a boat ride and then we took a 1.8m walk. As it turns out neither S nor Andrew were ready to head back to the city, but I knew that I wanted to have some down time here and so I went ahead on my own timetable. It's nice to have had some 'me' time. I weighed myself. 129.5. No kidding. I am paying the price for my poor eating. I think I am retaining a little too though because I could barely get my rings on the past couple of days. I went for a 15 mile bike ride in 1:07:20 and also did my toning uppers/lowers/abs. Ordered dinner because there isn't much food in the house. Southwestern salad and broasted chicken. Sounds healthy but not really. I am around 1400IN for the day. I was looking for something and found a stack of mail. I have been so busy the past 2 weeks that I've apparently been shoving some of the basics aside. Need to catch up on them, but may do it tomorrow night instead. I am sleepy and somewhat relaxed now after all that exercise and I want to keep it that way and be in a calm, confident state for my telecon with the Europe Veep tomorrow morning. I may go to Starbucks for a bit; after all, it IS Sunday evening. What do I really have to say, why am I here, what did I learn this weekend? One cannot go to the hometown I suppose and see people one hasn't seen in 22 years, and not have an impression. One cool thing was my Dad standing in the doorway of the bathroom talking to me Friday night while I was putting on my makeup, in my tank top with my tattoos hanging out the back. My mom was scandalized by my tattoos and I always kept them hidden around her. My dad could care less and tells me how proud he is of me losing the weight and how good I look. It made a real impression on me, that I feel like I can bit more of my true self around my Dad now. And how I actually have been able to be pretty open and talk with him about dating and my interest in Pitch and my going out clubbing all night etc. I had a sense that maybe, my getting older, wiser, and a parental relationship which isn't conditioned upon conforming to a set view of the world helps me feel a bit more of a whole person. Like I don't have to hide who I am. And this was the same with the h.s. crowd. I didn't have to dress in accordance with any expectation really; I liked the way I looked and I liked showing off my tattoos and doing a little Mol dancing. I guess it was pretty cool in general being comfortable with myself, who I am, where I am at in life, the choices I've made - not answering to anyone but me. I struck up new acquaintances which was great, and felt quite comfortable and happy with the feeling that at least I have something to offer some people, that I am not just a wallflower of interest to no one. Shred for example, the motorcycle chick, the Iceland chick and hubby; renewed old acquaintances (another trumpet gal), all have reached out and provided contact information or joined up on the networking site. That's in addition to the few dozen I was already in touch with since December. That's pretty cool. : ) EF, S and I were in the same room together for the first time in nearly 20 years. It had no 'build up' and indeed it only occurred to us rather late on in the evening. I wish I could say that it felt joyous when we realized it, but indeed, it felt a bit tired and ragged. Perhaps we've all been reliant on each other pretty intensely for the past 6 months, and with EF's bf not being well liked, and all the other activity around it wasn't like the 3 of us got to have a private moment. Perhaps some time soon we will do better. I also have a loose sense of time getting away from me. Through the divorce and the past months I've felt that I was still young enough to change my life and move on and have plenty of living ahead. But this midsummer event has now arrived and left. I am at the halfway point in 2009 and still don't know where I am headed. Not panicking or anything. But just the 'best part' of summer being here and knowing that it is halfway over and beyond that, when fall comes, I will hit the anniversary of Munich, and the one year mark of my falling for D and all the craziness of those days...well, I just hope by then I am heading in a defined direction, that some goals exist, that some clarity has come, that the year of self-discovery has borne fruit and I have started a new journal. I am looking forward to the weeks ahead which are in fact full of promise. I have a pretty busy social calendar; the weather should be decent for exercising, and the murky picture relating to my career and living circumsances for the next 2 years should be cleared up. It is an exciting time. I am tremendously fortunate. I hope for the wisdom and strength and vision to make sure that I make good decisions regarding the overseas opportunity, so that I can move forward in some direction with enthusiasm and confidence, not anxiety and fear. And on that note, I am taking my peaceful aura, my journal, and some blank paper over to Starbucks - no computer, for a decaf nightcap and a bit of relaxation. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Tonight I Had The Vision This is so cool. Tonight sitting on the patio @ Starbucks I had a clear vision ahead - I don't know 6 months, 12 months, 2 years...but I was sitting on a patio outside @ Starbucks somewhere in Europe, journaling, midafternoon sunshine, not hot out, surrounded by familar people and feeling an immense feeling of self-actualization. The Mol of the future drawing forward the Mol of today. It was divine, a sense of comfort, fulfillment, achievement, confidence, and it was all coming from inside of me, and without respect to anyone or anything, and particularly had nothing to do with any guys. Just me, and my own success, the thing that I made happen, that I conquered my fears and doubts and struggles to emerge whole and rich and satisfied. That I'd had richness of experience, of life, that only happened because I took the risk. Happy. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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The Veep postpoined our call until later in the week. Nothing specific just said that today was not going to work for him. I hope nothing's going wrong behind the scenes, at least as far as my job prospects are concerned. I am eating out of control again today. I think its the rocketship/stress related to the job. Not happy about that. Want to get it down to restore credibility to the day: Breakfast #1: yogurt, granola, strawberries, blueberries, egg white: 160 Breakfast #2: egg, 1 bacon, english muffin: 280 Lunch: Large (very large) deli wrap, turkey, including avacado spread + cheese (800) AND a bag of Miss Vickies sea salt/vinegar (200): 1000 So that puts me at 1440 which means no eating for the rest of the day. It is actually not quite as high as I expected so if I get in some working out and manage to have strictly a salad or yogurt later all will be OK. Glad I decided to count, just motivated me to avoid the chocolate which has been on my mind all day. I stepped on a clipboard last night and have a painful blood blister on my heel. I am thinking it would be best to try to drain it with a needle but not sure. Advice welcome. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Transition I am home from the office a bit later than usual, drained my blister somewhat and will be interesting to see how I fare. Planning to go for a run in just a little bit, here in the city. Later I have to script my communications surrounding the reorg tomorrow. I am feeling very tired. But I had a good day today. My midyear performance review was very good and went quickly. Then my boss and I talked about Tormentor and how things have been so much better lately and how I nearly derailed a year ago. He also told me for the first time that there were conversations at the top level during development/succession review 2 years ago where he specifically called out examples of bullying behaviors and used the term "bullying" to describe them. So what was positioned by Tormentor's boss as a "personality conflict" was also positioned by my boss as "bullying". So when the President asked me last year if I was running away from something or running toward something, he was working from more information than I ever guessed, I thought my boss and Tormentor's boss had been trying to keep this from being escalated, but in reality my boss, another VP Bob, Tormentor's boss, the company President, and a representative from HR were all in the room when my boss provided specific examples. So even HR knew about this. And in the end, Tormentor did get reprimanded, because over time it was a pattern he directed at other people and not just me. My boss insinuated that Tormentor was sat down and talked to about his behaviour and I am pretty certain this had something to do with why he did not get the promotion he desired. He made his own bed. So, taking inventory today through this surprise conversation, I felt really happy. I felt how far I have come, how much better things are at my job - really - I do like what I do for a living, and am being empowered and supported to make the changes to develop my organization and people and to be positioned to take on new challenges. I told my boss that it must be pretty rewarding to be in his shoes, to have stuck through all the pain and tears with me and try to help to save me....and to have me sit across from him and say "Things are good. I am happy." Kind of ironic to get to that point in my job just when I am positioned to move on. Perhaps the unresolved conflict for all those years contributed to my inability to move past it and get on with my life and my career and take on new challenges. It certainly killed my self-confidence and contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. Can you believe...10 years of dealing with that horrible man, with things escalating steadily since 2002, and 2007-2008 being just shattering. No wonder I was so close to the edge. Between that and L's health problems and related depression, and my marriage falling apart. No wonder. I know that the angst I experience was self-imposed, I mean, I could have chosen to 'not care' about any of it, but that is not how my mind works. I couldn't give up on any of it for years and years and years and kept getting unhappier and in a deeper darker black hole where I almost disappeared forever. I know that CPH didn't save my life, but it has been here, a tool, an outlet. It gave me motivation and the confidence associated with weight loss was a catalyst for making other changes in my life. Someone early on said "You CAN do it MollyMoo". I am living breathing proof that is true. There's a little lump in my throat right now. Last night at Starbucks I noted that I am nearing the end of my hardcopy journal which is the Book of Mol. And it seemed like this transition point in my life is nearing an end. I am looking ahead now and starting to envision, to dream, to embrace. It is no longer all about surving today and medicating the pain away. I suspect that this version of Molly Moo's Diary will come to an end soon. I will be around but there is a new chapter which, I think, is about ready to be written. I hope I still get to wear little black dresses and knee high boots in the new one. And stay thin. I am going for that run. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I actually liked the thought of ending it there but something I want to get down and not ready to start the new one off with this. I went for that run, and the muscle stiffness and pain were the worst they have ever been. Ankles, lower calves, feet. I struggled but didn't quite finish the first mile and I just couldn't going. When I tried, I got everything from electric flashes in my left arch, to both calf muscles feeling like they were going to 'pull'..The whole rest of the workout the most I could do was a block and even during the walking parts and even at a slow pace the muscles just were not stretching out or relaxing. I thought back to see if I was excessivly dehydrated or if I ate something weird today and nope. But I maybe, just maybe, have a clue to what is going on. See, I am not certain but I thought I might have double-dosed on my Wellbutrin today. I am already up to 300 from 150 and if I took 2 then that is 600. Anyway, I just now googled for side effects from Wellbutrin and lo and behold "Muscle Pain/Stiffness" is a rare but known side effect of Wellbutrin. http://www.iguard.org/medication/Wellbutrin.html I will have to read back in my journal and see when we first started upping the dosage to 300. I've been on-again off-again as far as dosing. I've had muscle issues dating back to pulling that calf musle dancing. I've never been 100%, never gotten back to the shape I was in during my last 5K. Challenge weigh-in is 129.5. I am definitely retaining and bloated right now so a bit of that should come off readily. I am ashamed of what I have let happen to my body the past couple of weeks. Those little black dresses aren't going to fit so well and I plan to go out Thursday and possibly Saturday. Toning tomorrow! Todays stats: 1233IN 977Net 3M 1J 2W. I am quite tired. Bed! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Last night I couldn't sleep although I was exhausted and I rebooted the computer to get on the networking site a bit. As the computer was booting, I had a 'hallucination' nothing major but the spinning windows logo took off the screen and was all 3 dimensional and funky and I felt like I was spinning. I was amused at the time and thinking that wow, I must be really especially tired because I don't normally hallucinate even if I take Xanax. Then this morning I was looking at Wellbutrin side effects again and one of them is hallucinations. Erm. Okay. I will admit that I am afraid of going off this drug which is the only one that has worked for me and not made me stoned and lifeless. I am afraid of being depressed again, of slipping back to a life not lived, of overeating and not exercising and just being tired all the time. But if these are real side effects, showing because of the increased dosage, then what choice do I have? Oh, mood instability and manic episodes are also side effects of this drug. Time to see the meds doctor, I guess. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Couple of other random things. Question.  How can one go to bed weighing 129.5 and wake up the next morning weighing 127.5? I didn't pee out 2 lbs of water. Does it evaporate? At least my bloating seems to be coming down a bit.I am melancholoy at the moment, party due to stress of work today and lack of sleep. Also the lack of contact from Michael got to me for a bit. The President is on vacation overseas and hasn't responded overnight to approve the final reorg communications so we can move forward, so I and certain other managers are "on call" at any time. Its stressful and we may be dealing with some emotional reactions. I am not 100% sure if took my Wellbutrin this morning. I am pretty sure that I took it a while ago because I know I had the bottle in my hand and was looking at how they have the accompanying instruction book taped to the bottle so tightly you cannot get it open and read it. I need to get a pill-minder, I am so absent-minded. I am a bit dizzy-lightheaded-tunnel vision-fuzzy face. [I did sneeze so maybe its a bit of food allergy. Note - Had a scone this morning along w/1 bacon+egg.] Rocketshippy, earlier I was craving to go out clubbing, but at the moment I don't have the usual energy/burning desire to go out and "do something, anything". The opposite, really, like I need to curl up under my desk and take a nap for a bit. That would be nice. I've left message for both my regular physician (who ordered the MRI) and the meds Dr. to see what they have to say. I have lunch with an old friend today. I am going to be greatly tempted to go out tonight for a bit, I can see that. But I have other things that need doing including bills and laundry. Maybe a good workout (toning+bike or run) will take care of the Rocketship. Meantime. Back to work!! |
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artistjohn Distinguished Member 
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Hi Molly Question. Answer: I read somewhere that you can breath out/sweat 2 pints of water a night. In winter you can see that moisture on the inside of bedroom windows.Artist John |
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jackbenimble New Member
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Hey Mol, I'm sneaking time at work to get this out. I just through your last postings. Congrats on the great review! So, Tormentor has been put in place. Nice! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Artist John and Jack! How awesome to see both of you. AJ thanks for answering the question, I honestly had no idea. I always do my weigh-in's after dinner in the evening because I'd rather know my 'high end' weight and know it will not be higher later in the day or something. I am still a bit dizzy and tired, but at least got in a 3 mile (estimated) workout (Perhaps 2J and 1W) after work. Haven't put cals in the calculator but egg+1 bacon+2/3 scone+sm chopped salad+tuna muffin melt+power bar+southwest salad (pulled out most of the bacon and tortilla chips). "Around" 1400IN and "Around" 1200 net. "ish". LOL. Lazy tonight I guess. I saw Dr. B today and she got the meds Dr. to squeeze me in. They both buy into the theory that Wellbutrin is causing my ankles/calves to lock up when I run. Based on what I observed yesterday it certainly is a strong probability. They have such different approaches, but everyone agrees with my history of bad luck with other drugs (Paxil, Effexor, Prozac, Cymbalta) that Wellbutrin is probably still my best option. I was considering getting off completely for a little bit to confirm that it is in fact the culprit, and Dr. B was rather of the same mind but the meds dr. is just going to cut the dose for a couple of weeks and see what happens...I am signed up for a 5K in 11 days, it was supposed to be a 10K and if this doesn't get better I will be walking a lot of it. It's the anniversary of my first ever 5K though and I really want to do it. So I may cut back further than the meds Dr. wants for a couple of days and see what happens. Reminds me I gotta run to the pharmacy and get this script filled for 150's. Guess I'll stop in @ Starbucks too and then back here to pay bills. Laundry can wait; the bills cannot. Guess I don't have anything riveting to say at the moment. Except Blank Dogs are on the radio again....cool.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Blah. Stopped @ Starbucks to pay bills but Dell and friend were there and I ended up spending about an hour with them just chatting and then they showed me some pictures online from various cities in Morocco. Now I am behind and have to go pay bills but first... ...one of my grad school friends is coming into town and I expect to see her Friday night and then she is trying to organize a time for us to get together Sunday with a few other friends. Nice. S was thinking about swinging back this way before flying home but I don't think its going to happen. Thursday night I think I am going to #3 with Chris or inviting him over. I am working from home Friday and will be able to go out and I do so need a drink and a little clubby time. Industrial night Saturday. Lots going on. I guess tomorrow night I will phone Shred and see what is what. Not really in a rush but nonetheless curious to learn more. Gnight all! I am soooooo sleepy..... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Just because its playing in my head tonight Sweet and Tender Hooligan The Smiths: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=526GPD_hCi4 Last edited on 30 July 2009 10:01 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well it was a decent day all in all, I think. Work was frenetic from the get go, with the reorg taking place in the AM; meeting with dev coach Steve; tons of other important things going on in the business, I was just fried of stress. I was on track with the eating but got home and instead of exercising right away, I had dinner and that was the derailer. I "treated" myself to some red wine because I "deserved" it and had 4 glasses. Still, no real regrets because I think I needed a little relaxing, but I just didn't get in the toning and easy run which I had planned. I also ended up snacking and would have otherwise been below 1200, probably ended at closer to 1800 with no exercise. Tomorrow is a group outing at work and a welcome change of pace. We have a short meeting at 7:30 then the busses leave around 8:30. I was at the office quite late. Made a few phone calls on the way home including phoning Shred. We had a nice little talk and both have a lot going on but he invited me to sushi next week if we can nail down a good day. He is in business for himself and has a lot of schedule flexibility for the most part so I am sure we can work something out. Although he is fairly well downtown and meeting up during the week won't be the easiest option. So we will see. It sounds to me like he is another charmer, a creative type (graphic artist and video producer) and oh yeah, makes just a passable living. After hanging with Pitch, I see how much easier he has it. I hate to sound like money matters, but yeah it does. After supporting someone else for 14 years....yeah it does. Still, Shred seems a bit of a character and it can't hurt to meet up with him. There was 'something' there. I would like to get to know the Bike Shop Dude but it's not easy. Or perhaps I am lacking the balls to just march in there and say Dude - here is my number - call me lets go out some time! Ahhhh, perhaps I should? I broke my vow to not initiate contact with Pitch. Only reason, he is supposed to learn tomorrow whether he gets this job he applied for and since it has been a major topic between us as of late, I felt that not acknowledging was going to hurt the friendship. So I just sent a plan, innocuous "Good Luck Tomorrow" message and left it at that. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hmmmmm late night snacking, and I am up in the middle of the night in spite of being exhausted. Just pointing this out to myself as a reminder... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Quel Nightmare...of Sugar Group outing for work today, baseball game and brewery tour, with probably the equivalent of 4 beers, a brat, a portion of waffle fries - that would have actually been OK - but the "bakeoff" contest on the bus, which contained 9 total entrants, was just too much. Brownies, apple bread, cookies, even breakfast burritos...its entertaining but just tooooooo much so I have had empty calories galore. Overall it was a fun day. I am not sure I will get in any exercise at all tonight - again. I only arrived home about 7:15 and just finished paying Handyman who fixed my roof today and the dryer vent I ripped off the house a few weeks back (due to the birds living in the duct). I wanted to go to #3 tonight and hang with Chris but it is impossible. First off, I am tired and having a sugar coma problem. But the key is I have to get ready for meetings in the AM and am expecting to finally speak with the Europe VP for perhaps 20 minutes. I have to get my list of questions and issues clearly outlined, with options and compromises, to get this deal sealed. I guess I'd better just get on to the work prep stuff now so I can get some sleep tonight and have a fantastic next 3 days. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Misanthrope So I am on the networking site relaxing a bit before getting on to work stuff. Uncommonly, Michael happens to be online and he just updated his status to read: Very sick and tired of the world at large today. I am glad its raining. It makes the people stay indoors so I can walk the streets alone and think to myself without being disturbed by "the others". Being misanthropic sometimes make me sad. I wish I had more patience for folks. OK. Now seriously...why do I even miss this man? I've been tempted to say simply 'hi' every day for about the past week and see what I get back. But, I haven't. I know relationships are a two way street and if he's not going to make the effort than I should have the dignity to say 'screw him'. Why is this so difficult for me? Back to work!! And logging off the networking site now... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Up and Excited Your Mol got a hard solid nights' sleep (yay!) and is working from home. I went to bed/sleep at10 and got up at 6 to get started prepping for the all important "seal the deal" phone call with the European Veep. I hope! The sun it out, the temperature outside is 65 degrees and still, the trees grass and buildings shaking off the dew of an overnight rain. This could be a great day. : ) I love feeling more calm and balanced and rested. Its soooooo rare.... Ah, the Starbucks is done brewing, back later!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I had to come here even though I don't have the time. I am at war, literally, with the Rocketship. I have failed to accomplish my key objectives for the day. I had a good call with the Europe Veep which resulted in a few tweaks and adjustments which he wants me to make. I need to get those done tonight. As the afternoon wore on I got more and more agitated and had to go for a run. Jumping out of my skin. I did go to the forest preserve and my legs still aren't working. I did 5.1 miles but a good half of it was walking and I just cannot go very far at once. So I didn't burn off as much stress as I wanted. I didn't get a few other major projects done which needed to be, got another crisis added to the plate at 5:30 tonight (thank you Tormentor) which cost me the 2 hours I was at Starbucks to be working on Europe and my work computer is running abysmally slow trying to access the files I need. I had invited Chris over for a pre-club drink but it is just as well he is running late because it doesn't look like I am even going to be able to go out. I am stressed to the max, frustrated, completely wired and angry. Probably the caffeine, the cutback on the Wellbutrin, the not being at the club last weekend, and not going to have much time the next two weeks; uncertainty of plans with my Grad School friend, and work work work work work. I needed a drink but grabbed an N.A. beer as a proxy. Hoping it will fool my brain cause I really don't want to get drunk especially in this state. Who knows what would happen. As an added bonus I just check on the networking site and Michael is on again, and oh well it doesn't matter does it. Flip. I am crawling out of my skin with agitation right now and my face is all fuzzy and I cannot focus. This is fun, I tell you, fun. All I want to do is calm down and then go to #1 which should be very good tonight, lots of music that I like. Guess I will try to get back to Europe. Maybe setting a time deadline - 1 more hour. If I cannot get it done by then and off to the Veep, then I don't deserve the job anyway. Business has to move fast... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Abbreviated Chris came over and picked me up around 11:00. I got my key back and he got his book back. He had a drink then we headed over to #1. The music was good. Prop was spinning in part. Crowd was sparse. D was there and E was tending bar. D seemed to be watching me again. I hate it because when our eyes connect for just that split second I feel it deep inside. I met Ian's new gf, I like her. Jason met me there about 30 minutes later and we hung out for a bit then left (not at the same time, of course) and took a cab back to my place. He's still here, sleeping. He's supposed to be at the studio, mixing down a recording I didn't get my work stuff done and that needs to be a priority today. For now, I am just having some Starbucks and realizing that I need to pick up the house. It is a wreck. Industrial night tonight so my only workout today will be toning. Admittedly I am not even motivated to do that. Just gonna drink my coffee for now and try to wake up. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Woefully Unproductive Hard to believe it is past 7PM. After taking Jason home I came back and laid down on the couch. Haven't gotten a thing done. Haven't spoken with my grad school friend. It's not that I drank very much last night, probably just from screwing up my sleep and having been so incredibly agitated yesterday. My throat hurts too. It was worth it though. Whoops that reminds me I haven't taken my Wellbutrin (150) today, doing it now. Jason has let his once-tight beard grow out - a lot. He wasn't dressed for the nightclub last night either, having been on his way back from a show on the south side where he'd been playing drums while people were reading poetry. He rather looked like a vagrant. Its rather symbolic of the chaos in his life right now. Still his eyes are the same. Deep pools withdrawn behind understated expression, set in a timeless face. I do hope that he is not an axe murderer, so far I am still here. I say that facetiously; he is no doubt an odd bird but I am very comfortable with him. I don't have any idea or expectation of when we will next meet or talk and that's fine. He's not boyfriend material anyway. Speaking of boyfriend quality, Pitch has been 'around' on the networking site and made a few friendly comments, including one about wishing he could 'tag along' with me tonight to the industrial night but has other plans. I wonder if he remembers that the Decemberists concert is Thursday night and if he is still coming with me. I suppose I had better ask, because he may be politely waiting for me to confirm that he is still invited. I am not happy with where I am right now. Nothing, nothing, nothing got done today and my focus is really poor. I know that I should simply stay home tonight and am actually tired enought that it may happen. Imagine. Blowing off industrial night. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Silver Lining Well I stayed in and was rewarded with a 2-hour visit from Chris on his way to industrial night. I adore my 26-year-old friend, in a platonic, sisterly sense. We listed to Belly and Bjork and Sugarcubes, and talked about movies, biking, Veganism, and dating.Chris nibbled around several times to find out where I disappeared to last night. After an initial "abducted by aliens" earlier today, I just changed the subject and he finally dropped it. Clearly he didn't figure out about Jason and that's a good thing. It is nobody else's business I received a nice message from Jason tonight. Rather glad lingering attraction over the past few months has resolved in such an agreeable manner. I am watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and then will be off to sleep. I now have plans to meet my grad school friend for lunch tomorrow and expect to be much more rested. Restoring the balance is always a Very Good Thing. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Side Trips Oddly enough for me, it feels like I don't have a lot to say this morning. Kind of like when you've spotted a long dirt road weaving off into a field and disappearing beneath the tall grass. Feeling like an explorer you drive down it, wondering who uses it and where it leads to. It could be anything, a house, a barn, a lake, train tracks. Driving to the end of it, you are disappointed, there is nothing special there, just a locked storage barn for equipment of some kind. And before getting back into your car, you get out, slowly walk around, feeling an empty appreciation for the experience of life which brought you here, but dissastified. Then after a couple of minutes there is nothing left to to but to get back in the car and drive back to the main road, feeling that the little side trip was not worth the time you spent on it. I know that other times, though, that little side trip can lead to joyful discoveries, special moments in life which will stick with you always. Perhaps you might discover a lazy creek and a man throwing sticks out to his labaradors on a gorgeously sunny day. You stop and introduce yourself and it turns out the man has an interesting life's story which will influence you and shape you in some inestimable way. So you never really know what will happen but its key to life that you take these little side trips and explore, if you want to make your life truly your own. Its is your own unique set of experiences, and your responses to them, what resonates with you and what draws you, which makes you who you are. It is important to explore. It is important to experience. It is important to live. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Afterword I was thinking a bit more about today's post while meeting with 5 friends from grad school, particularly with Jane. She is on a personal spiritual pilgiramage herself, having been laid off and deciding to take a year to find herself. I spoke with her a little bit about my own exploration right now and I need to add something. Even more important, and what needs to come first, is to ensure you have a strong center to come back to. Side trips are additive to, not distracting from, your destination. The center is the part I haven't figured out yet. I need to get back to making it a priority. It is all here. Its should be the source of my strength. I also need to use it to take a good hard look at this job opportunity and possibly admit that the way things are going, I am unlikely to be happy doing both the new job and the old one. I know I don't want to work long hours again. ******************** I am sleepy and even though I have tons of work to do I may actually doze. I was at the beach for 3 hours with grad school friends and then went for a run in my beloved woods, 3.1M 2.85J 0.5W in about 34 mins. My ankles and calves were quite improved, not fabulous but never turned into that horrible rigid painful lockup and I didn't lose feeling. In my book, that's a GREAT run and I was very happy about it. I don't like being on the lower dose of Wellbutrin but it would be great it that is all that is causing my problems. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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It's great to connect with old friends, and it's good to see that you're not the only one struggling with who you are. As our motivations in life change, and as we go through rough times it's so easy to lose our identities. The point of exploring ourselves and our passions is to find ourselves, not lose ourselves more in the process. I'm glad Jane gives you some perspective and helps you keep on course! |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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Hey mol! Just poking in to say hello and hope your da is going well. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Surprise Visit My friend S called @ 10 last night and needed to stay overnight before heading back out of town. Yay, what a nice little surprise, even just for a quick hug and a chat. I was exhausted but I had to get the spare bedroom set up, and then she arrived just around midnight. Went to bed @ 1 (IN my bed how unusual) but was awake 30 minutes later, got back up and went on the networking site for a while. Pitch was up and commented on my insomnia post. Shred was also and chatted me up a bit and sent me a link to the trailer for his latest movie project. He's to call me tomorrow to make plans. Michael came online and in a moment of "whatever" (weakness?) I sent him "How are you Michael?". It was a polite, arms length update conversation which I kept short but not until after suggesting that I call him in a week or so after my schedule calms down to get together. I don't know what type of closure I expect to get out of it but I hope there is something. Later on I noticed that he recently changed his relationship status from "In an Open Relationship" to "Its Complicated" so I don't know if that means he's got another girlfriend now, if he finally split up with Gothica, or what. Jason and I texted back and forth a number of times today while I was in my all day offsite meeting. While he is not boyfriend material, it was fun knowing that we were thinking of each other. I am writing this while my hair color is processing. It's been a stressful 24 hours with an emergency proposal deadline which wrapped at 7:30 this evening. My eating today was abysmal and my challenge weigh-in was 129. I am tired and my energy level is low and I think the lower Wellbutrin is partly responsible. I feel blah. I am not Munich Energy Mol or Rock Star Mol, I'm quiet, anxious, ugly, mousy Mol today and I don't like her at all. Not having the time to run tonight has put me in a foul mood. Not having salad in the house nor time nor enery to shop also has put me in a fouler mood. I had canned whole peeled tomatoes, artichoke hearts, and some leftover ravioli for dinner after eating sugary crud at an offsite meeting today. I am pretty sure I would feel better if I had a workout. And a Starbucks. Blech.  Last edited on 4 August 2009 04:07 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hey Once and Cindy. Sorry for not giving you a proper greeting earlier. I appreciate you coming by! I haven't figured out a magic elixir to my foul mood tonight. At least my hair is black again, my house is pretty clean, I have survived another day at work and I am getting to bed soon. I got a nod from a friend I haven't heard from in a while on the networking site and it put a smile on my face. I just determined I need 4 things to get my sense of balance and vigor back. 1. Get the eating under control; back to the good and the green 2. Be able to run or other exercise regularly, + toning 3. Focus on the Book of Mol 4. Plan another trip/vacation Did I mention Pitch has confirmed he is coming to the concert with me Thursday. He was all down on himself yesterday after what I think must have been a 'bad' Saturday night and also for being too "Eddie Bauer" and not "hip enough". Dude. Don't you know I think you are one of the coolest people I know? Preppy clothes and shiny appliances don't make the man... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Missing the Juices So, I am still up. I guess I needed some more time to myself and to decompress before going back in to the office in the morning. I admit, the work stress level reminds me of the old unhappy days and I am disappointed in myself, that I have fallen so easily back into this lifestyle. I suppose in a way, maybe it is a familiar, safe, comfortable place for me, a place where there are "rules" and "boundaries" and "expectations" and "structure" which my everyday life has been lacking. I just came across the file which contains the beginnings of the story concept I finally sat down to write, I guess it has been 4-6 weeks now and I haven't been back to it. I reread it and it is like it was written by altogether another person. The flow of, the heartfelt intensity, the passion, the very words...I miss being in that creative state. I have been there and I know that there is something inside me that wants to come out, yet the more I work and "allow life to get in the way of LIFE!" I fear that this opportunity, this moment in time, this narrow window which I have to 'get it right' is slipping away from me. It is now August. Perhaps I should have walked away from my job and taken a year off to get it figured out. For if I take this assignment for work I will be consumed with the realities of an intense job, logistical challenges of living in 2 places part-time, trying to make friends and establish a sense of 'home' and familiar surroundings away from home...it is a lot of work and distraction and energy. Yes, the excitement will no doubt inspire new creativity and that is something to look forward to. Maybe its just the cutback on the Wellbutrin talking but I just don't feel as capable or energized as I want to. I am struggling. I hope I get back on track soon. I want to LIVE! to FEEL ALIVE! again. Time for a trip. Any suggestions this time of year? I don't care for warm beach vacations, something more along the lines of Europe, but not England since I will be going there anyway. Oh, Jane wants to meet in Brussels beginning of December, that may work as I am in London right about then. Perhaps Amsterdam. Yes. And perhaps my platonic friend Pitch will go as well. This is an idea... Last edited on 4 August 2009 05:55 am by mollymoo24 |
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sqzee New Member 
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Denmark? I'm from Denmark. and its along the lines of Europe, because it is in Europe and there are definately no warm beaches - beaches yes but Denmark is quite cool. We have a ton of history and a very old monarchy so lots of castles and things preserved from way back. Copenhaguen is lovely always I think, and again has very interesting history. Just a suggestion, you should always advocate for your country I guess |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thanks sqzee! Denmark is an excellent suggestion. I will definitely go there at some point because my company has operations there so I might wait until I can get the trip paid for. Plus I also know a gal from Denmark, she moved to Ireland years ago but still goes back there, and I will hope to coordinate schedules with her. Thanks for the idea! ******************************************************* I had to come post this morning because while I went to sleep extra late again last night, I slept in enough that I got 6 hours. Suddenly I am mischevious Mol again, springy, flirty with the glint in my eye and connecting with people. Good music all the way to work and I've been singing and generally bouncing around. I just went to check mymonthlycycle.com and am on day 15. The past 2 days 13&14 I was out of it and now I am all bouncy again. My cycles have been all over the board but it is possible that I am right in the middle of a 26-28 day cycle. I've been remembering the Wellbutrin 150's so its not that. Maybe it is the excitement of planning another trip, thinking ahead that yes, time off and vacation in 4 weeks IS possible. W00t~! I've GOT to make this happen. Amsterdam it is. I've declared myself on my networking site page and am giving 24-48 hours to see if anyone wants to come with before I purchase my tickets and lock in dates. I am going to go put my calories in the calculator and get on with an in-control day focusing on all 4 of the above key points. Weather looks good right now, albeit warm, for a run in my Woods after work. |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl Distinguished Member
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I'm so glad you get a vacation Mol! I think some R&R will do you a world of good, it sure would for me! I really need to plan one soon, I'm way too over-whelmed! |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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Cruise is my vote for vacation...I Loves me some cruises Mol. Last edited on 5 August 2009 12:12 am by John Deere Doug |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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OK, I completely don't have time for this but its so funny I gotta get this down. Tonight I had dinner at the Irish place while doing some work (i.e. finishing up the latest round of changes on the global proposal) and decided, smartly, rather than sticking around after dinner and having a second Guinness that I would go over to Starbucks and have a coffee instead, and finish up there. First, when I get there this regular waved at me from the patio. So I went inside first to get coffee while the guy at the counter chatted me up and shared his personal philosophies. Anxious over time I rather walked away from him mid-sentence so I could go out and say a quick hello to the guy on the patio. He's an immigrant, Polish, not bad looking, nice smile, friendly, quiet - this is the first time we talked. His name is Stanley (what a shock, that, imagine, a polish guy). LOL. Anyway he rather roped me into sitting down for a few minutes and showed me the book he is reading. Anne of Green Gables. He said that he just finished it and it is for teenagers and helps him with his English. OK, so I've never read the book but from the synopsis on the back it also seems like it is a book for teen girls. Anyway, we had a nice little chat and he told me about being a light metalworker in a factory on the south side, for another polisy guy (this is how Chicago works, remember). Then I went inside because I need the outlets for my laptop. Ah, finally. Time was getting late but here I was. Coffee. Laptop. Power outlet. And I put on my Ipod to drown out the overhead music and concentrate. 10 seconds later.... Awwwww @$%^#$^&. A tsunami of coffee. I knocked the cup, and it all flowed straight into my keyboard. Napkins everywhere bits of paper flying as I scrub the keys like mad. Counter guy trying helplessly to help me by offering words of sympathy. Precious time ticking away. Coffee running out of the machine - through the bottom and out of the keyboard, a total mess. I got it as cleaned up as I could and then I sat there in futility for the next 30 minutes trying to get it to work but it kept typing all kinds of crazy letters and I could not even get logged on. Just as I was angrily blasting Combichrist and Nine Inch Nails into my own ears to take out the frustration, while pounding fruitlessly on the keys, sweet, gentle Stanley comes over to say good night. I unplug my headphones, look up with my sweetest smile, and pretend that everything is swell, I mean why ruin the guy's good vibe. Then I think of Anne of Green Gables and start giggling at him. And me. And I just give up, pack everything up, and come home. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I made good headway on the global changes, having had the good fortune to be able to salvage the files to a USB drive and onto my home computer, which, lucky me, is running a compatible version of MS Office. So I came back to touch on a few other things from today. First, from session with Dr. B. Talking about needing a 'center' and not knowing my center; her philosophy is that it does change over time over life and that many divorced people feel this way, anchorless. Then she asked me if D had stayed with me, had things worked out, would I be doing all this crazy stuff and drinking and experimentation. And I realized what she meant. My center was/is there. D represented what I wanted, what I was gravitating to, what I thought would complete me. And I burst into an unexpected wave of grief and tears because I might have had that with him, except for being a card carrying member of the Church of the Emotional F*tards. I set my criteria for my ideal mate and found him already in my life. I had repressed a lot of what happened, but now his words echo in my head the night he confessed that he liked me for 15 years, and how he navigated the waters for me and gave me strength and forgave my weaknesses until it all got to be too much for him to manage and he fled into the arms of E...and how I have started to wonder what is going through his mind when I catch him looking at me recently (*sob*). Dr. B says that I have 2 strikes against me which cause me to be always hyperanalyzing everything, and accordingly make it very difficult for me to choose and to be content with one 'center'. My IQ, and being a woman. Most people don't choose a center with full deliberation and consciousness. They rather fall into it with some degree of awareness and acceptance. People who choose to start a family and forgo a career. People who grow up to be doctors or run the family business because that is what their father did. I didn't have a strong role model in the relationship between my parents and that didn't give me that center. And I question and doubt and examine and explore and enjoy experiencing one end of the spectrum to the other. It is the cause of much joy and happiness in my life right now, and the source of the most pain and uncertainty. But she keeps coming back to the fact that I won't be settled again until I have a solid relationship. It's just who I am. And again I think of D and cry. #%@&!. And it was a pretty anguished 5.1m workout today in 1:16. I had been really optimistic that today was going to be a good day, having been on the 150's for a week now, and having a better time of it on Sunday. But it was not good at all. Horrible. I am even wondering if it is in my thighs as well, it seems I just cannot get a good run going and lift my legs up. It is very scary and depressing but I just choose to stay in denial for a bit longer while I give the medication theory more time to be tested. Sorry to follow up with a downer post, but its all important. I am sure there was more but it has whisped away and I am getting drowsy. Time for bed. |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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Two years ago my ,then 18 year old and14 yrold watched the whole series of Anne of green gables on CDs we borowed from the library. Everyone should watch or read this atleast once in their lifetime. Some hilariously good lessons to learn. And not just for teen girls. Last edited on 5 August 2009 03:36 pm by 50lbs2lose |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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PBS ran that series. I even liked it. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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A veritable conucopia ..of stressors and emotions right now. Some good things - my IT department kicked butt - I called them on the way in to the office and they had me squared away with a new computer with all my files by 9:45AM. I finished up the latest round of changes to the global position and sent that off. Bad things - Workload is out of control and sales managers are screaming that they cannot get things turned around which they need. Everyone's emergency is the most important and no one can wait. Staff is getting frazzled and then my time is being consumed trying to sooth relationships and get it all sorted. Activity I don't enjoy. I've got to review 2 huge things yet which were needed by Noon. They will now bleed into Thursday and Friday as we get feedback from others which means I won't be taking the vacation days I scheduled. In addition, Tormentor scheduled a conference call for Friday. I wanted to go out. Tonight, and tomorrow night (potentially after the concert with Pitch), because I could, and because the weekend I am going out of town. Everything is falling apart on my relaxing, 5-day-break plans which I need very much. I need dancing. I am not getting male attention and it is bothering me. I know it shouldn't and I need to phone some girlfriends. Primarily, Shred didn't call last night and I haven't heard from Jason in 24 hours. Such an addict I am to the male attention. And I just reread that post above about D and wish that I hadn't. I am getting fat. My eating today is out of control again. I ate a too-large dinner last night and then still had tortilla chips at midnight. Today I've had a bagel and a half, along with cream cheese, which someone brought in for a birthday. My legs are in sorry shape, dull ache, I can just tell that I cannot run. And I want to run, I want to burn off the calories, the stress, use the magic eraser which makes me feel so good. I need my outlet. I am ready to either cry or do something nutty. I am dizzy. Rocketship Management Mode... I have another thought about the thing with my legs although it may be a stretch. I started doing more Starbucks (in the past few months.) I think however its mostly been since April or May that I really started going there. But just thinking, perhaps there is something in the coffee affecting me. I really should consider going on a 2-3 day WF next to see if that helps. And yeah, the MRI. This really sucks. I am getting more scared with each passing day. I want/need to go hide in a burrow for a few hours with a bottle of wine, my journal, some music, and a big fat lock on the door so I cannot go out and get myself into trouble tonight. |
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John Deere Doug Senior Member
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Slow down and take deep breaths Mol. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA!!!! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well things have improved quite a bit. I still have some lingering things hanging over my head for work but they are on the back burner for the rest of the night. I had a GOOD workout day. I did my toning (uppers/lowers/abs) while uninspired it felt good to wake the muscles up a bit. The arches of my feet are pulling and cramping when I do certain parts of the abs routine. But, I went for a run after and while it was not good at first it was ok all in all. Still a lot of stopping and walking but it was better than yesterday. I wore my most recent New Balance and not the new Muzino's I got when I got fitted. So, I will stick with those a bit. 3.1M 35:10. 2.8J 0.3W "ish". When I got back to the house sweat was just pouring off me in the best way and my head was so much clearer. I've missed being able to really get in a workout. Also the extra benefit is that I am not hungry and so I will probably be in fine shape for the day overall. A salad would have been nice for dinner, but I have nothing in the house. Now I've been toodling around on the networking site, listening to old Razormaid remixes, and texting around to see who is going to be out later. Unfortunately midweek the most I've gotten is 'maybe'. Still I am going to get dressed and go out, bring my journal and possibly my laptop and do some more writing tonight. I am still a bit rocketshippy but waaaaaaay more in control than I was this afternoon. Tonight is all about me. Mol is back. Nice recovery. Doug = thanks for your caring words... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well. After a nice shower, and putzing around, and not able to find the cap I wanted to wear, it is now nearly 11 and I am dressed but no makeup. I want to just go have a quiet nitecap and write a bit I think and maybe a stop in to #2. There's no rocketship left, no sense of energy. Quiet, but not a calm quiet. A restless quiet. A quiet that is not comfortable with itself and is trying to create its own noise as a distraction from the deafening silence. I'd better get on with it. It is getting late and I don't want to be out too late. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Tonight was a good night I think, at #2, a slow rebuild of credibility while being sober. 2 hours, 1 guinness, 1 water. Arrived @ 12, it was super empty. Talked with the doorman a bit and then not long after a guy bought a drink next to me and we ended up talking for quite a bit. Roan is, as most people are @ #2, an interesting fellow, with delicate patterns under his eyes...they look like permanent tattoos but not sure. As with most of them, not boyfriend material...his work history consistes of a bookstore, a bike messenger, and security. He's now a full time student with the aim to teach physics. Which means, as with most of the people I find interesting, he's smart. I reached out and texted Michael beforehand (oh, and about12 other people) to see if he wanted a ride over. Weds is his favorite night, and I thoiught it might be a chance to talk in private a bit if I picked him up. He wasn't sure at the point if he was going to go. He did end up arriving later. He made the rounds as he came in, said hello with a hug as is the custom then immediately went off to buy a beer and then off to say hello to folks at the end of the bar. Then he planted himself, by himself, at the end of the dance floor. It was painful that he'd rather sit alone than talk with me or with anyone else as he certainly had a number of friends/acquaintances there. At one point Roan sat down with him and I went over and joined them and asked a few questions. He doesn't look good, he doesn't sound good, he is angry, he is disinterested, frustrated with the job search, no positive vibes. He did ask me about Europe but not much in the way of general conversation. Then he finished his beer and strode off to get another. When I made my way in the direction of the bar a couple of minutes later, I was surprised to see both Chris and Ian. I was glad to see them, to have some friends to hang with, so that my mind wasn't on Michael. Chris said something about when he walked in, they were like "Oh, there's Michael. and Oh, there's Mol with him." I told Chris that I was not there WITH Michael, as I told him weeks ago, that's over. Chris nibbles around about my private life, never demanding information, but since I am not forthcoming with everything, I think he likes to go probing from curiousity. After I disappeared without explanation last Friday, it would make sense he'd think I was back with Michael....anyway... Ian hadn't apparently yet heard about my Europe opportunity so I filled him in. I met a friend of Chris', a blonde girl I rather like. Some of the regulars there are such a clique but she seems to be more down to earth. Hope to get to know her better. She's also divorced and loves tattoos. It would be extremely healthy for me to get some female friends in the scene. She's smart too, a laboratory researcher. I like all people but I really like smart people. Not much else to tell. I went back over and said bye to Michael before leaving and asked if we could get together and talk. So we are on for Monday evening but he's so far down the hole and stressed right now I have doubts whether I will be very satisfied from it. He doesn't want to be bonding with people right now. And like Beth, I always 'want to save them' but he doesn't want to be helped or saved, he just wants to be left alone. It's such a shame, because he really is a shell of the amazing guy I know he can be. Anyway he grabbed me with a hug goodbye, enveloping me as only he can do. My knees didn't go weak, but I had a rush of some powerful emotion, it was a sensation of comfort and liking and respect I hope someone else in this life will provide for me eventually. That's about it I think. Nice getting home @ 2:30 although I fell asleep with the computer on my lap close to 4AM. Last edited on 6 August 2009 10:06 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Equation for Happiness So today was a picture-perfect day here in Chicago, sunny, few puffy white clouds, light breezes. It was a wonderful day to have taken the day off. Although I ended up having a work call from 9-10 and another from 2-3, I got up and had my coffee and eggs and then rode down to Fullerton "Rocks" and waded around in the water. I was supposed to have swum be apparently I have "something", a mental block, holding me back and I am going to need a plan to overcome it. Chris smartly informed me that Fullerton Beach is called Fullerton "Rocks" because there is so little sand, lots of pebbles more than anything else. He cracks me up. At the beach, I met a 60ish guy from Switzerland, in Chicago for a year learning English. He goes back for a month of skiing in September. The dude rode his bike in and did some laps and laid out on the 'rocks'. Amazing physical condition, that's just super cool. Now I am @ Starbucks on the patio, kindof wondering if I should make up some excuse to go into the bike shop, but deciding to just relax and hang here instead. Some day I will maybe get to know Bike Shop Guy but I've got so many other things going on there is no need to add something else to the mix. Pitch gave me a clue to his mindset last night. I sent him a playful text around 9PM saying "I am in danger of being a naughty girl tonight". Now, he knows I had the next two days off. He wrote back "What else is new?" "LOL. So that is your opinion of me." I replied. "Prettymuch" was his response. It was a slap in the face, a wake up call. I cannot believe that was his response. And yet I am glad he said it, because, OK, I can examine this. This is what I thought for a while now, he thinks that I am too wild for him. But unless his response was partially tongue in cheek, then he really doesn't get the whole 'me' like I gave him credit for in the beginning. That this is just a phase, that I had a settled life for a long time and things are just in transition. I spoke with S today about this and she thinks I should flat out have a conversation with him whereby I acknowledge that this not what I want longer term, and that this is just for now, I go where I am going to me interesting people and have fun, and it just so happens that they keep late hours. Anyway I see him in a couple of hours, he is driving down and we will go out for a bite to eat and then to the Decemberists show. There is a lot to talk about with him and I hope we make some really good progress. If nothing else, if we are to be friends, then I want to be good friends, with right understandings and respect and care and concern. Because club friends are transient. Pitch is 'quality'. And so, what do I mean by the title of this post? Well, since yesterday and then my really awesome day today, I've been reflecting on how good I feel today and what the elements are which compose that. Sunshine and good weather (cannot control this, but mood enhancing) Leisure time (most of the day free) Good workout (bike and swim) and back on track with toning Going somewhere new (Fullerton 'rocks') doing something a new way (wearing my suit and locking up my bike down there so I could do both, it was liberating to not be anchored to a car~!) Eating healthy foods (good and the green! Connecting positively with people (Swiss guy, Starbucks peeps, doorman, blondie and Roan last night) Letting others make a decision about a proposal today (relinquishing intensity) Keeping in control of the emotional and alcohol Rocketships while clubbing Reflecting on myself and my life, journaling, thinking ahead Making plans to travel Staying in touch with friends (live or txt or networking site: SF, EF, S, Pitch, Chris among others) On the way back from the beach, in traffic at a light I came up on an SUV on the left, a little doggie sticking his front half out the window, owners' arm anchoring him while he sniffed and barked and yapped at everyone and everything he found interesting. I connected with the driver who was a lovely, built, yet obviously gay guy, and we had a nice friendly and fun exchange. That kind of thing is really a memorable moment in life. If every day were like today, I think I'd be excrutiatingly happy. AND GUESS WHAT? THERE WASN'T A STUPID BOY "I LIKE" OR WHO "LIKES ME" IN THAT EQUATION ANYWHERE!~ Last edited on 6 August 2009 10:55 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Lucky Girl I didn't expect to be writing this post today. Ironic, after the above post, and yet completely fitting and right. I feel all kindof warm and breathless and nervous and happy and scared and hopeful all at the same time. In the cab on the way back from the Decemberists concert we finally got it on the table. And it turns out that Pitch likes me too. He's been holding back for a number of reasons. Some of them his own demons, not wanting to ruin the friendship, not wanting to risk hurting me, the fact that I might be moving overseas soon... We built a fire in the backyard and after getting everything out on the table, I was amazed to find myself in his arms. After becoming convinced he only wanted to be friends, it was so unexpected that it seems surreal. He spent the night and left this morning to go in late to the office. It was so comfortable it seems like we've already been doing this for months. He's such a brilliant and analytical and neurotic creature "Me, on steriods" is how I have often described him. And he has been 'doing the math' and 'all the equations have been running through my mind'. Knowing that he has arrived at this place with deliberateness of mind is a source of strength to my own thoughts and feelings this morning. There are parallels to D in getting to this point; a level of intimacy forming over a period of months, the dance of uncertainty, the withdrawing, the eventual confession...and yet this has all the chance in the world of having a different outcome, at least on my end, because I have come so far in knowing myself. The stresses and complications which doomed me to self-destruct along with D during those dark and crazy months, just simply don't exist any more. I am comfortable, content, and looking forward to the days ahead. A Very. Lucky. Girl. |
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Lami New Member 
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Ahhhh that's fantastic news .......I hope it all works out for you both. |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Thank you Lami. I still have a goofy happy grin on my face. Let's see. Friday I hit the road and stayed overnight at the old house for which I still have a key. The familar surroundings, both in the house, the neighbors, the streets, the lake, the golf course, everything, from the last 15 years felt cozy and sweet, but not achey, and not necessary to my happiness. And - it didn't make me miss L. I am surprised that there was so little pain, actually. At the house I found and brought home a few more things - I forced myself to leave things behind that were 'mine' but that I really have no purpose for; old toys and books from growing up, and an old wooden trunk which was my mom's - I really don't need the clutter, and I have what is most important. This morning I ran 4.4m (only walked a smidge) in 45:14, in the rain. That's an average of 10:16 per mile and I am quite pleased. My feet and ankles didn't go numb. I used sports creme and spent about 30 minutes stretching and walking and warming up and I wore the last-generation shoes and it went all right. I was really pleased to have accomplished so much running, in light of my recent struggles, and I don't want to be overly joyful, but I did enjoy it. I am sore now though! And I have eaten like a pig all day ever since! I drove back to the city and then over to visit some greyhound people and CDog and I are both now exhausted. I've spent the evening in, doing laundry, lying about on the couch, watching a movie, having a glass and a half of pinot noir, and oh yeah, eating. I finally ordered Peapod, thank goodness, the house is totally devoid of any healthy food whatsever. Delivery Monday morning. Cannot wait. I miss my big salads with grape tomatoes. Tomorrow I drive out about 50 miles to spend the afternoon boating (and having dinner via boat) with old amusement park friends. So I guess I will probably stay in tonight. I got a text from Jason yesterday afternoon and I put him off until after this weekend. The game has obviously changed now. I need to tell him that I can't see him, but I want to do it face to face. My friend S has got some lines of mutual interest going with another guy from high school, long distance. She's actually tiring me out with her talk about her strategies for flirting and dating in this situation. However, she's one of 2 friends who knows about me and Pitch and so there is a bit of fun we are having giggling and talking together. Speaking of Pitch pretty quiet as expected, he has foreign business partners in Sunday thru Weds and was behindhand in preparations due to the time we spend. We had a little 'thinking of your' type of exchange this evening and I am content. Although I sure hope I will get to see him next Thursday, as I want to club on Friday and then off to another greyhound event Saturday to Sunday overnight, out of town. Hmmmmm wonder if I can kidnap him to that????....heh.... |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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I am so glad I've been keeping a journal now for over a year and a half. I can go back and see, for example, the night that I was introduced to Pitch, December 21, 2008, for the first time in 21+ years at a mini-reunion, and barely said 2 words. But then we chatted a few times on the networking site weeks later. And then, amazing to me to read these entries from the old journal: February 21: "Absent any real date possibilities, I think I am going to try to get [Pitch] to go out with me next week. Perhaps Sunday or Monday night. This is a guy from HS who was part of the reunion in December, class clown type, lives not-too-far from me. We are not each others' type really, but kindof made this pact to get together with each other on the spur of the moment some time and the other day on the networking site he said 'send me your phony so I can stick it in my thingy'. Funny but we exchanged #'s so I perhaps can go out with him for social practice - I could sure use it."February 25 Only 2 hours of sleep last night. I called [Pitch] when I got off work as we planned and he was all for meeting up for dinner so I just ignored my tiredness, ran home, changed and picked him up. Went to a Cuban-Mexican place I knew, just right. I am not sure dinner with a guy constitutes a "date" if there is no romantic intention by either party? Yet, it felt nice, there is a lot more to [Pitch] than I expected and I would definitely do it again. And he said he wants to do it again some time. I hope he wasn't just being polite. We both just prefer spur-of-the-moment and are both single so it would work out even as just friends. We had real conversation about mutual friends and roots and his (and my) mom and family and career. If he was bored, I suppose he'd have made the excuse that he needed to rush back to his packing. From my end it was a good night with good company. March 1 Traded messages with [Pitch] today as well, sending some photos of where we grew up, short and strictly friendly communication at this point, and that's OK. I was thinking about asking him to a St. Patty's day party since Marc cannot go. Holding off for now. March 10 Well, I've been working on a date for Saturday night's St. Patty's Day party. ... All along I thought perhaps [Pitch] would be the perfect choice and might like to go and get away from all of his stress right now - but I am trying to keep my interactions with [Pitch] somewhat infrequent while I get all this craziness out of my system - [Pitch] seems like the kind of guy I should end up with at the 'end' of all my churnings and wanderings and meanderings and I don't want any potential long-run path with him to get contaminated by my current mixup. But a house party is a pretty safe environment to just have a nice friendly get-to-know-you-more chat for a couple of hours so I went ahead and invited him last night and he said yes. : ) I still don't know if it is called a 'date' if its not intended to be romantic in nature (?) But it should be fun in any respect.March 15 The second event was the St. Patty's day party with [Pitch] and my new friend from work. This was just a blast. I haven't been to a good house party in ages. It was fun, there was a ton of food and beer and music, and fun people. [Pitch] and I mostly just hung on the fringe of the party by ourselves and talked for a couple of hours. I wanted to help him de-stress for a few hours and I think it worked... I think [Pitch] may like me as more than just a hanging out bud. Last night when I dropped him home he said he had a 'nice time' and reached over and touched me on the arm as he said it. Then he sent me a text today AND a message on the networking site reiterating that he had a good time. Little signs are there. We shall see but this is the one that I don't want to take flight right now...this needs to be a slow slow slow burn before anything would happen for a lot of reasons, for the right reasons. I totally think he's long term material while the other guys I've written about recently I know are not. It gives me the urge to run away from him until I get my head on straight. There's a lot to like though. I may see him again on Friday, a mutual friend is organizing a general get together. March 23 I was happy though to get another decent message overnight from [Pitch] via the networking site. He's the whole package: funny, clever, creative, brilliant, personable, nice, somewhat neurotic and more knowledgeable on music than I am. I don't think he will be at the meetup tonight but hasn't said either way for sure. Weds he goes out of the country on a dreaded 4-country business trip that will take him away for 17 whole days. I offered to check on his cat for him while he's away. Just friendly. I hope for another one-on-one after he gets back. We loosely agreed to go to the Green Mill (jazz club) some time but I'd like for him to initiate since I asked him out the last time....[Pitch], on the other hand, showed at the meetup. About 15 minutes later EF arrived and squeezed in between us (not knowing of course that I particularly wanted to sit next to him). It was an enjoyable time with a small group of 6 but not the same as when we communicate one on one. That class clown comes out in groups and he's funny as heck but it is the other side of him that I really like to be around. Still it was nice seeing him. I am not vain enough to believe that he showed only because he knew I was going to be there, and yet...wouldn't it be dreamy if that were the case? We had a nice big hug good night and he called me 'sweetie'. Mini swoon. He had to leave to run all the way home to pick up forgotten hockey equipment and then back out again to play a game, so he really did come out of his way to spend time at the meetup. After everyone else had departed I confessed to EF that I have 'a little crush' on him and the couple of 'little signs' but explained the 'slow burn' theory which she totally agreed with. May 4 My disappointment and agitation in that quarter transitioned quickly to pleasure when I came home and there was a message from [Pitch] via the networking site. I had sent him a note yesterday just touching base and just generally trying to cheer up his stressed out self. Not only is he up to attend another h.s. 'happy hour' (which I'd told someone else I would organize), but he added 'Alternately, stop by some time on your way home sometime in the near future'. Sweet! Ummmm OK twist my arm. OK Mol just remember, slow burn, blah blah blah...oh god, what if he really does like me more than friends? The mind reels.*********************** This is fun. I am falling asleep but tomorrow I think I am going to move on to part 2, the new journal ************** |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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May 31 ****Ah, this was a monumental entry**** Pitch Pitch enthusiastically approved of my humble charming little abode, which he visited for the first time. It was the right day and the right night for it, really, with the weather mild and the light streaming thru the many windows during the afternooon, and with the trees in the large (for the city) backyard, the large bush flowering and the greened up english ivy providing an attactive backdrop for the firepit. Pitch is a really cool cat, or rather, a cool cat trapped...he's like me, how I was for so many years, the artistic and creative core within him still there but buried by the rest of life, waiting to be rediscovered, working unhappily in a successful, high-stress well-paying corporate career and dealing with high anxiety (Mol on steroids, not kidding). He's not only brilliant and highly educated, but funny, quick-witted, comes from the hometown, is musically talented, and likes to write. He's at a transition point in his own life, challenging, questioning, and is just starting the process of figuring out what to do to become happier - because he is not happy, he is a bit lost right now, and lonely. And being about a year ahead of him on the learning curve of reclaiming one's lost self, he looks to me, I think, as someone he admires, someone strong, even though I don't always see that in myself. Pitch took the train in and walked to my house. Inside, he took a quick look around then had a seat while we waited for 3 others to arrive. He asked if I was going to another meetup in the hometown next weekend and I said something about the sheer number of h.s./hometown gatherings due to the networking site, and having missed the clubs the past 2 weekends I wanted to go clubbing at least one night next weekend, so I am not sure of my schedule. I've tried to see if he will go to any of my favorite haunts with me but he feels that he doesn't 'fit' there and makes self-effacing comments about his own "Eddie Bauer" self. He told me how 'hip' I was (and my brain went - noooo - please no not the cool chick thing again ) and said he wishes he was more 'hip' like me. I told him that I think he's cool - very cool - and teasing him said "Hey - I wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't cool". Then time stopped as he said, "I knew you were cool when you put the Cocteau Twins on and you doubted whether I would recognize it." That, from the night I took him to the St. Patty's Day party, our 2nd time out, the connection that moment, both musically and on a higher level, so strong and so right. I drew breath, and smiling but avoiding eye contact, said, "Yeah, that was a moment wasn't it. That was a moment." Why I shied away from looking at him I don't know. Maybe because I am afraid that he only means to be friends, or maybe since I know this has to be a slow burn in order to work, I am afraid to take any step this soon and mess it up.S was staying overnight and I offered for Pitch to stay for the night if he wanted and he was appreciative. He really wanted to blow off some steam and have a good time and not worry about getting home. However, the way the night/group shaped up later in the evening to be honest I don't think he had as much in common to talk about, and we were seated apart and I was playing hostess, and he ended up taking the late train home. Before he left however, I told him that I had something for him and hurried in the house to see him off. Inside, I grabbed the hard copy leather journal I purchased for him a few weeks ago, and put it in his hands. He was visibly touched. We'd had a couple of conversations about writing, and journals and blogging along the way, and he knows about the Book of Mol and had been saying he needed to get back into writing. He's on the same journal of self-discovery, another soul who woke up nearly 40, realized that he is not happy and trying to figure out what direction to head. Anyway, earlier in the evening he mentioned that he has to go out of town again Tuesday - it is a sudden plan - and guess his destination - Munich. Munich. A Weave of Threads. What a strange sense of timing life has sometimes. When I was in Munich in October, in the course of 48 hours I reached the ultimate pivotal point in my life. Achingly, painfully, thrillingly reaching the height of Munich Energy Mol, running in the barren, cold, dank English Garden woods, and along the banks of the river, to run, run away, to free myself from the life that wouldn't hold me any more. Munich Energy Mol, exploring the city, taking spectacular photos, soaking in the energy. Munich Energy Mol making friends at St. E - Dieter's voice ringing in my ears "Life Life! Fantastic!". Munich Energy Mol, finally releasing years of repression and living in the moment. It was October, autumn, and really the beginning of my Winter...the certainty of the need to divorce L having become irretrievably clear, a simple fact that boarded the plane with me in Munich and landed here with me in the U.S. and cleared customs with a permanent visa. Winter had started, yet I didn't see the blizzard warning signs...and the winter storms came hard and heavy...the divorce, a head full of D, driving D away and feeling shattered, losing my footing in the club circle, experiencing loss of other friendships and stability which I hadn't remotely anticipated, swimming in alcohol and depression, making dubious new friends, seeking male attention as a quick fix, and prioritizing the club scene as if it were truly important in life. Along the way though, some signs that Mol was not completely hibernating all winter, but was sowing some seeds which would eventually grow and blossom in the springtime. The start of the Book of Mol, finding solace in wonderful old high school friends, meeting new people, buying lots of fun club gear, travelling, exploring, creating, experiencing, loving music again, writing, stretching the boundaries of relationships, becoming confident to a degree with my new body, and becoming more open to options...I've surely left some things out... If you have read this far, no doubt you are wondering where I am headed with this... Munich. Pitch is going to Munich. On Tuesday. In the Springtime. It is Springtime in Munich. Can it be that it is Springtime, finally, for Mol, on a number of levels. I am growing stronger. I am rediscovering good parts of myself that I like and growing in other ways. And then, on another level, it is increasingly obvious that Pitch and I have so much in common. It is time for him to start writing the Book of Pitch. When he told me about the trip, I had to give him the journal last night before he went. I was saving it for the right moment, and the right moment came. Life creating its own metaphors, it is not an accident, one must be awake, attuned, and aware, to realize these moments when they happen. I hope this is the start of Pitch's own self-discovery, he's an amazing guy, it will be a pleasure and a gift to see him find himself again. I am just going to leave this one right on the track it is currently on. I've got to continue to strengthen Mol and he has to discover and strengthen Pitch. To the extent that we continue to be positive influences on each other in this process then I welcome it. If something grows out of it eventually it will need to be at the right time. But I do have to say, last night, my bud Andrew and I closed out the night after the rest had departed, when out of the blue he said that he thought Pitch and I would make a great couple. Bang. Stopped me in my tracks. I paused, inhaled and then grinned full at him and said "You noticed. I think so too." But he was of the shared opinion that Pitch needs to get his own house in order first and that a slow burn is the only approach that has a shot at working. Which is fine with me. There is no hurry. In the meantime, I get to wait and wonder...is there another "cool chick" speech somewhere in my future or something much more exciting? Only time will tell... ....a LOT of time I expect...******************************************************************* June 2 I followed my intuition and wrote an email to Pitch better articuling why I gave him the hard copy journal, and how travelling or at least changing setting tends the 'loosen one's brain', and that it is a process to figure out what you want to do next, but you will rediscover a lot of really great things about yourself along the way. I figured either he would 'get it' and 'get me' and my voice of experience, or think I was a nutjob or a psycho. Well - he gets it. I got a note from him from Munich saying "you're right on too many fronts". June 3 Pitch mentioned Saturday that he gets a kick out of the occasional photo shots I text to him as something interesting in life comes along. This morning, I saw that my avacado was labelled the same oddball name as his cat. So I took a photo and sent it along to him in Munich and a while later received an enthusiastic reply. Fun. : ) Cats and avacado jokes spanning the globe. There must be another joke in there somewhere. June 15 So, Pitch found out 2 days ago he has to go to Denmark for work, leaving today, will be gone til Friday. In response to his stressed and dour note, last night I said something about him needing a break, a vacation, and then just flippingly added "You want to go to Iceland"? just as an amusing rhetorical remark. He just wrote back and asked me "When?" Wow, at first I was excited...but then...how come the thought of it actually terrifies me? Why am I afraid of something starting with him? Is it because his relative conservatism would temper in certain respects the exploratory and liberated life I am currently leading? Is it because I think the world of him and don't want something to screw up the friend-based relationship which has grown up over the months? Is it because I still think the timing is not yet right? Well, if a trip together does happen, I've got to go into it thinking 'just friends', 'cause I am still not yet in the right mindset to keep from effing it up. And I don't really know if he is interested in anything more, anyway. Exciting development nonetheless. Stay tuned for the next exciting installment. June 18 OK...but why am I happy? Because I pulled into the garage, grabbed my phone to go into the house, and saw there was a text from Pitch. He's back home a full day early. A little back and forth, he asked me what I am doing this weekend, and we made plans to get together tomorrow night. Clearly, I am interesting to him, regardless of whether he's "interested" in that way. How nice. A perfectly nice, genuine, well liked, brilliant, educated, well-travelled, music-loving, good looking man is going to grill out for me at his place tomorrow night. We will likely play music all night on his brand new stereo system. Regardless of any romantic interest, it makes for a lot more balanced and soulful evening than going out clubbing. June 20 The evening with Pitch was everything I could have wanted...except romantic. On top of his other fine qualities Pitch really enjoys cooking and he spent all afternoon doing his thing. He did it for the love of cooking and the joy of having someone to share it with, not to impress...nonetheless, it was impressive. Seriously, OK. 4 different types of tasty spread w/bread and chips (dude, I mean homemead spreads). Gaspacho to die for. Chicken marinated in pineapple and mango and other stuff and grilled w/tasty cole slaw and mango salsa. All this stuff was made from scratch. Red and white wines. We never even got to the desert (which I now feel bad about). Seriously I ate about a million calories, I liked everything a lot but the portions were huge. I gotta watch out for that, by the way, because L was a foodie and that is how I got so fat starting 15 years ago. We talked a lot about things which matter, one of my favorite things about Pitch because he isn't a typical guy. He talks about feelings and people and relationships, and is barenaked honest about his own insecurities and struggles and sincerely cares about other people's as well. We listened to a range of music on his lovely new stereo and told a few stories and a few confessions. It was a good (albeit platonic) night. He did at one point however comment on how remarkably similar our minds are. I said "Yeah, you noticed." It's pretty cool that he sees it. About time. If nothing ever gets going here, I am still going to be one lucky chick if we stay on long term as friends. June 24 I am also going to sit back on the Pitch line of interest for a bit. Last night I saw a blurb that a band we both like a lot is coming to town; rather than saying 'hey let's go to this' I just sent the link and said "This should be good." He replied overnight "It should be great. Hope I'm in town." Hmmmm I was hoping for something implying that he wantd to go together. I'll make myself crazy if I try to read to much into every little message we trade but something tells me to just sit back for a week or two and let him initiate the next few contacts. June 25 On the networking site, Pitch made a brilliant comment on the picture I posted of the trumpet I am buying: "That is nothing but pure, unadulterated rock and roll in a protective hardcover case." Oh my. My heart fluttered. He really gets it. I remind myself that I am sitting back a bit on this, I know it is the right thing right now...but I can at least do that here in the privacy of my own journal...July 2 I guess none of it really matters any more anyway, if I am leaving, except for Pitch. He's the only one I know will keep in touch with me and will care regardless of where in the world I land. He's truly a spectacular guy. July 5 and then I just got a picture text from Pitch of a sunset over the lake where we grew up and it was a little 'scoop up'. I considered reaching out and calling him to talk, because he's been facing some of the same demons that I have recently, and would understand where I am at today - but I don't need to pollute that too. Instead, I just sent back a compliment and 'Life is Good'. Which it is. And I want to keep things with him on an up note. July 8 So, despite temptation for a little comfort/connection, I haven't texted Pitch or Chris or Michael and instead dialed up a bunch of girlfriends this afternoon on the drive home. OK I admit 3 times I had a text going to Pitch that I made myself delete. I don't need to become "all Mol all the time"; we exchanged photos and texts yesterday as it is. And Pitch commented on my networking site status this evening. If nothing else, its like a little 'thinking of you' that even as a 'just a friend', put a smile on my face. July 9 Speaking of friends, Pitch commented on my networking site status this morning again. I am such a retard. I mean, if he knew the little thrill I get every time he posts something, it would probably scare him away. I seem to have that effect on men. Card-carrying member of the Church of the Emotional F$%^tards, that I am. July 12 It would have been the cherry on top of my day if Pitch had been able to join us, He had also intended to go to the fest and wanted to see the headlining band but family needs sent him to the hometown for the weekend. I was thinking about him throughout the day, and hope we get to spend some more time soon. July 13 Oh, and I had some good texts with Pitch tonight, he's been doing very good with working out lately and swam 2 miles today. Dude. I can tell he is feeling better about himself and neat that he gives me credit for inspiring him to get into shape. July 15 And I got a nice message from Pitch, we are on for Friday night. I didn't need one more thing on my schedule but I expect we are going to have a nice time decompressing together. Two extremely high anxiety freaks getting together for dinner, drinks*, fire, and music. *conditional provision :) July 17 Well an uneventful evening with Pitch. With certainty now, nothing is going to happen romantically. July 22 Pitch just called; highly unusual, he is saying I should have let him know about the bocce thing because I was right by his house and he'd have invited me to dinner. [If he only knew how much freaking dinner I ate, ugh.] We don't talk of the phone often so its a surprise, especially this late and also knowing that we are going to be seeing each other both Friday and Saturday nights. I don't know what gives, perhaps he's just in a mood. Maybe he's getting anxious about the h.s. reunion and needs to reach out to a friend for reassurance. That is probably it. July 23 But I am frustrated that Pitch sent a text this morning saying how great it was talking with me last night. WTF am I supposed to do with that? July 26 Pitch was his usual self. Meaning, his usual self around crowds - jovial, putting on a happy front, having a bit of fun but not really enjoying himself. I got really frustrated tonight around him as I again came face to face with the fact that we are, and only will ever be friends. Further, I am starting to wonder if the intimacy of our friendship is waning. At this point, I intend to have no further contact with him unless he initiates. I want to employ this for a while. Perhaps through August. And we shall see what we see. July 29 I broke my vow to not initiate contact with Pitch. Only reason, he is supposed to learn tomorrow whether he gets this job he applied for and since it has been a major topic between us as of late, I felt that not acknowledging was going to hurt the friendship. So I just sent a plan, innocuous "Good Luck Tomorrow" message and left it at that. August 1 Speaking of boyfriend quality, Pitch has been 'around' on the networking site and made a few friendly comments, including one about wishing he could 'tag along' with me tonight to the industrial night but has other plans. I wonder if he remembers that the Decemberists concert is Thursday night and if he is still coming with me. I suppose I had better ask, because he may be politely waiting for me to confirm that he is still invited. August 3 Did I mention Pitch has confirmed he is coming to the concert with me Thursday. He was all down on himself yesterday after what I think must have been a 'bad' Saturday night and also for being too "Eddie Bauer" and not "hip enough". Dude. Don't you know I think you are one of the coolest people I know? Preppy clothes and shiny appliances don't make the man... ...Oh, Jane wants to meet in Brussels beginning of December, that may work as I am in London right about then. Perhaps Amsterdam. Yes. And perhaps my platonic friend Pitch will go as well. This is an idea... August 6 Pitch gave me a clue to his mindset last night. I sent him a playful text around 9PM saying "I am in danger of being a naughty girl tonight". Now, he knows I had the next two days off. He wrote back "What else is new?" "LOL. So that is your opinion of me." I replied. "Prettymuch" was his response. It was a slap in the face, a wake up call. I cannot believe that was his response. And yet I am glad he said it, because, OK, I can examine this. This is what I thought for a while now, he thinks that I am too wild for him...there is a lot to talk about with him and I hope we make some really good progress. If nothing else, if we are to be friends, then I want to be good friends, with right understandings and respect and care and concern. Because club friends are transient. Pitch is 'quality'. *******And now, here we are. ***************Last edited on 9 August 2009 03:57 pm by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Well, I've realized the above posts are ridiculously long and will probably pull them off when I have time. Wonderfully Exhausted I had a fun day boating with friends and we had a big storm blow up so we got off the water and had dinner at a Mexican place while the skies cleared. Fun fun. Ate a ridiculous amount. Did do toning earlier along with a 3 mile run. It was so sultry here that I sweated buckets and it felt great. Legs not completely better, still struggled some, but could be residual from yesterday. Also the arches of my feet didn't to that crazy cramping thing today during the abs workout. I did a different "legs" workout than usual and want to note that. TTOTM came, on day 21. Someone's hormones are totally hosed. I gotta go back and see how that correlates to my moods around day 11. I just finished uploading the pictures from today to the networking site and need to get to bed. Shred popped up and chatted for a few, we actually got a story idea going which might have some legs. But I am tired and my eyes are shutting... |
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artistjohn Distinguished Member
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Hi Molly Iv'e been doing the stretch in the clip attached. I tend to keep leg straight and stretch. It has helped my achilles and foot pain when running. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPQI156-syk Artist John |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Hey ArtistJohn, thanks for the video link. I am going to give those a try! |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Wish You Were Here This morning being the last of my short "break" from work, I was a little mournful. In spite of being exhausted last night I couldn't get to sleep and finally nearly 4AM I took some Xanax, so I woke up rather tired. After Peapod came, I decided to go to Starbucks instead of making coffee here, in order to sit outside on the patio in nice weather and to do some journaling in the Book of Mol as there are a few things that are timely and important. There is a growing sense of the waning year, starting to come around to Autumn again soon, nearing to the full year point from radical life-altering events. And, while things don't have to neatly fit into a 'year' package of course, there is an external, artificial pressure in that my job may completely uproot my life in a few months. And the key there is "my life". Not long ago, I wasn't sure that I felt I had one, I mean, I was so ungrounded that I was freefalling on a scarily frequent basis. I haven't had that feeling in a while now, and further, yesterday and this morning, I reflected on the satisfaction of 4 very full days and I realized, that this is my life now, and it is good. An independent woman of 40 who reads and writes and goes to concerts, who has friends to laugh and love with, who enjoys bonfires in the backyard, who values all kinds of people from all walks of life, and more than ever takes the time to get to discover the nuggets of uniqueness and worth that each of them brings. A woman who has the leisure time to do things which make her and her friends happy. A woman who bikes and runs not because she is good at it, but because it helps her to feel good about herself. A woman who enjoys experimenting, but who still has to work hard to 'get her brave on'. And without realizing it, now the Starbucks and numerous folks there are part of my life nearly every day; the old friends I've reconnected with and stayed in touch with; #1 and the circle there and Marc and others barely carrying much meaning on a daily basis. I've healed a lot and I've built a lot, and I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I am becoming very content, and uprooting myself and moving overseas now and starting all over will be too difficult, in spite of the obvious benefits. So, I am uneasy that I have put myself in a position now that my work will artificially force some conclusion to this phase of self-definition, and it inspired me to get back to the Book of Mol. I sat on the patio and listened to Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd) a good half dozen times while writing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXdNnw99-Ic That song has been playing in my head the past couple of days as an association with Pitch. Which is really strange, because I've never been a Pink Floyd fan and it was only because of L that the song is even on my IPod. The line I keep hearing is "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year", I guess that's probably representative of why I think Pitch and I 'get' each other. I think we've both come a long way in terms of lost souls, but we know that we each have further to go on this journey...and there is mutual comfort and companionship we have to offer along the way... ...and then right as the session was ending, I thought of another dear friend who I feel the same way about, who I found myself missing, and as the lyrics went on "Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here." I got a huge lump in my throat. In other business: 25-mile bike ride tonight, that felt great, made it to Navy Pier and was still home before dark. My butt is whupped and I am falling to sleep. Hopefully tonight's sleep will be much better than last night! I haven't heard from Pitch since Saturday eve. While I know he's got other priorities with international people it; but it takes very little effort to say "I am thinking of you". More days than not we always were sending something back and forth. So, from my perspective either he is freaking out or he just plain isn't very good at this. Well, establishing and communicating expectations will be important. Just an aside, I saw Bike Shop Guy this morning; he was talking on the phone in the store window but we smiled and waved. He has an awesome smile. And that's all I am going to say on that topic because there is no point. Other things going on, life is filling up fast, October is jammed with concerts and I have to get a vacation planned soon. The house is still a mess cause I went riding instead of doing chores tonight, but it was a good tradeoff because of the weather. Hopefully I can catch up tomorrow. Good night all! Last edited on 12 August 2009 01:19 am by mollymoo24 |
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mollymoo24 Distinguished Member
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Back to the office for good today. I am subdued and a little sad. I had to to Xanax again to go to sleep last night; slept hard and know I was dreaming, although cannot remember what, but woke up tired again and hitting the snooze. Cannot seem to kick it into the next gear. I think part of it is waiting to hear from Pitch. I took a look at my schedule; meeting with the attorneys at 9, staff meeting at 10, couple of other misc. meetings later in the day. None of which I am ready for. Well, no mind, I am sure something sparkly special will happen soon enough to put the spring back in my step. Gonna finish up here quickly, go put on my makeup, get another cup of coffee, put on my "that girl" (thanks Once) and try to have some fun. Most of work is just not all that serious. Cheers. |
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50lbs2lose New Member
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