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Beachbum82
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2009 |
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| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 2 January 2009 02:56 pm |
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Hi! I'm new here and just wanted to share my story and ask for any tips or advice from people who have been there.
I'm 26 and have ALWAYS been an emotional eater and have always yo-yo'd. in 2006 I lost 50lbs and was able to keep it off until I had surgery in March. I had to have open-heart and one month after I came home my weight gain slowly began. It wasn't so bad in the summer actually, I gained around 5-10lbs but was able to keep it there. Then school started and midterms,. finals and then the holidays killed me. I gained about 25lbs in 3 months. Yes - Twenty-Five! I haven't gained all 50lbs yet, but I'm scared that I may. I've lost all control.
I tried food journals - nada.. whenever I want something bad I just throw the book away. I tried turning my cravings into activities - nope, I just go to the kitchen. I talk to my friends and they reply - "Oh you're the fitness queen you'll be back in shape in no time". This time just feels different. I have no motivation. And you would think it would be the complete opposite becaause of the surgery I had and wanted to live a healthy life. It's just SO hard to get back on track. I don't know what to do.  Once I open the floodgates there's no turning back. I won't stop eating, I can't. It's like i'm possessed! 99% of the time I'm not even hungry!!!!
And, most importantly, I'm embarrassed. I feel like a failure and a person who has no self-control. I feel disgusting. I feel like my skin won't bounce back and...ugh.. I don't know. I just feel... hopeless.
I just needed to vent to people who have BEEN there, and I appreciate your time listening. Thanks everyone!
Happy New Year!
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Sylphide
New Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 173 |
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Posted: 2 January 2009 04:16 pm |
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Happy New Year Beachbum!
I came here to post almost exactly what you just said. I lost 40 pounds during the past year -- I've lost 40, 50 even 60 pounds in years gone by and always regained. Right now I can feel myself getting ready to start gaining.
The last few evenings I've found myself eating ravenously for no particular reason. I shouldn't be any hungrier than usual because I eat the same thing for lunch every day, but now I'm falling on dinner as though it's my last meal. Then I want to go to bed at eight o'clock, just so I can get to my bedtime snack and boy has that "snack" turned into a full out binge.
This morning I tried to describe the feeling that comes over me in the evening and it's almost a panic state. There is a fear and anxiety associated with this hunger that I haven't felt during the past year while losing a nice steady pound a week.
What is this? Is it our subconscious, fearing famine or starvation, turning up the hunger and anxiety to the level of a drowning person wanting air? I think the answer to this question is very important and may be at the root of the weight cycling (yo-yoing) problems we have.
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Beachbum82
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 5 January 2009 01:14 pm |
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That's a good question! and I wish I had the answer. I can't put my finger on what the triggers are. And the sad part is when i stuff my face, i'm not even hungry - i just need to eat. I think it's just like an alcoholic.. they'll be fine, but one they take a drink- they're done. Same w/ eating something yummy, for me anyway, once I have it I want more and more. They're all compulsive behaviors and the sucky part is an alcoholic can stay clear of bars... and not keep booze in the house. But we need to eat, so it's an everyday - every minute - obstacle. I don't know why it's happening, maybe the guilt of not losing weight gives us the ol "Oh well whatever, im not losing any weight anyway, lets have some cake" kinda mentality. And then it just snowballs from there. And I have your same fear/ anxiety feelings, too. Which I usually try to silence w/ food... but not today. Today I'm starting to seriously be constantly aware of everything I put in my mouth and try to redirect my thoughts to do something else when I go to the kitchen. I'm hoping it works. Who knows.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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nairboccor
New Member
| Joined: | 14 January 2009 |
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| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 15 January 2009 06:18 am |
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It's a horrible feeling when you don't feel like you can control what you put in your mouth. Lying in bed after a binge feeling disgusted by what you ate, but numb to the anxiety that preceded the binge due to a stretching stomach. Have faith that you CAN control it. One day at a time, one meal at a time. You're right, ex-junkies and ex-alcoholics can avoid their addiction, we cannot. I know this sounds cheesy, but what helped me get over my disgust with myself was this: After a binge, when I was feeling, well, you know the feeling, I would make myself thing of things I was thankful for in life for 5 minutes or so. After doing that, it put a little perspective on things. Once the self-disgust started to recede I'd be ready to try again the next day. Different strokes for different folks, but give it a try if it doesn't sound too foolish for you
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redcat
New Member
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Posted: 23 January 2009 11:06 am |
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Hi Beachbum, I was browsing the forums when I came about your posts....
I really get what you'r going through...
It's like... nothing! In actual fact you feel nothing when you eat. It's like you're just escaping every thought you've ever had. Food doen't judge you. It's like a free pass on life. It's just there.... you eat and then you feel bad for eating. And then you start thinking... and you know you're messing up, but it's just ... ( I wouldn't say easy)... it's just the way you handle Getting a life altering surgery is very "heavy" on your mind.I know a lot of people who've had bypasses and such surgeries and, now... they are worst then they have ever been when it comes to food and their lifestyle. It's like the brain is a 5 year-old ... If you tell yourself you just can't... Your brain is going to pester you until you've eaten much more then you even felt like! Maybe you should get a hobby ( I know it sounds stupid and arrogant for me to be telling you this), but the I started to turn my life around, was when I joinned the Gym ( fail-safe mechanism: I payed 2 years of fees upfront and then I got a trainer... To feel bad whenever I get weighted. It's the only way I will change).
But I know it's an up-hill battle! I'm concious of my weekness (food) . I have started on a diet that keeps me so full of food I can beare the thought of not having that piece of chocolate ( that will no doubt end up being the entire bar or container....). But I tell you this:If someone showed up here with chocolate or ice-cream or... whatever food I really, really like.... I would leave smoke wherever the food used to be!!!!( Not because I'm hungry... just because I can!) It may be because food releases endorphins... or just the thrill of eatting. Because eating is... I can't even find a word! It's just something I really love... even thought I know I am bound to trip over myself and over endulge... and most likely feel bad in the end. Because when you stop eatting you feel bad on a concious level and your stomach fells like it will just burst! And feeling bad, will just fuel it... It's like that snowball that starts up the mountain, very small and then... by the time it gets to the bottom of the hills... it is massive. The more you feel bad, the more often it will heappen!!!! It is just stupid, but fundamentally we are a stupid race!What we onver indulge on.... could feed and African village. ( That's one of the thoughts that can refrain me from eating... ).
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karizma
New Member
| Joined: | 25 January 2009 |
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| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: 25 January 2009 09:17 am |
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Hello all,
This is my first online forum post ever. It is weird to read what you have written because every word and thought that you guys wrote, I have diaried in the past (a diary was one attempt at self- therapy to deal with anxiety, self-loathing, and didn't really help me, I think I expected too much from it). The feeling of numbness while eating, the self- inflicted pain and guilt that doesn't deter the preceding binge. It is all so familiar to me.
I think one thing that prevents me from losing the last five pounds, or keeping the 50 pounds off is that I don't really believe I deserve to be a thin person. To me thin means happy, successful, etc. It is scary to get within five pounds of my goal weight, and none of my other problems have been fixed. I often do feel better about myself, but not enough to keep the weight off. If I am not thin, then I will always have an excuse for my dissatisfaction. I guess one thing I could do is work on what is actually upsetting me/ work on my self esteem in conjunction with the dieting and exercise. Not sure how to achieve this feat :) Any suggestions?
I also try to assuage my anxiety with exercise instead of food. It works until it is late at night, and then the gym is closed and I tell myself that it must be okay to eat because I already burned so many calories...
The only thing that ever works for me is taking things one day at a time. If I try to see myself a month down the line, or at my goal weight, I somehow become overwhelmed, or fall into disbelief. Reading your posts was also helpful. It is embarrassing to talk to others about the amounts of food I can consume at once, and how often I do it. I KNOW that I am far from alone, but we live in a culture that has little sympathy for over-eating, despite how rampant it obviously is. I don't want to be embarrassed, because that just makes the self-loathing greater, and the likelihood of self-sabotage increases.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 25 January 2009 09:35 am |
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I'm 26 and have ALWAYS been an emotional eater and have always yo-yo'd. in 2006 I lost 50lbs and was able to keep it off until I had surgery in March. I had to have open-heart and one month after I came home my weight gain slowly began. It wasn't so bad in the summer actually, I gained around 5-10lbs but was able to keep it there. Then school started and midterms,. finals and then the holidays killed me. I gained about 25lbs in 3 months. Yes - Twenty-Five! I haven't gained all 50lbs yet, but I'm scared that I may. I've lost all control. I tried food journals - nada.. whenever I want something bad I just throw the book away. I tried turning my cravings into activities - nope, I just go to the kitchen. I talk to my friends and they reply - "Oh you're the fitness queen you'll be back in shape in no time". This time just feels different. I have no motivation. And you would think it would be the complete opposite becaause of the surgery I had and wanted to live a healthy life. It's just SO hard to get back on track. I don't know what to do. Once I open the floodgates there's no turning back. I won't stop eating, I can't. It's like i'm possessed! 99% of the time I'm not even hungry!!!! And, most importantly, I'm embarrassed. I feel like a failure and a person who has no self-control. I feel disgusting. I feel like my skin won't bounce back and...ugh.. I don't know. I just feel... hopeless. yup. nailed it.
i'm your age. i do the same thing. i have the same thoughts. i'm scared about my future. it's a funny think when you can see the future but you don't do anything to change it. you know what i mean? it's a really weird thing to think about.
i hate eating when i am not hungry, but then, when i do it, i only think of that exact moment. i'm wondering if it's a shift in brain activity. maybe the mind hits that state (what some owuld call meditative), where you block everything out and only focus, 100% on the activity at hand, which would be eating. you sort of.... zone out? that's how i get. hhmmmmm.... now that's a though- maybe binging is a form of meditation? i've read that meditation is essentially shutting up the left side of the brain and sort of sliding into the right, where the attention is only set upon the "now". the more i think about it, the more it seems to make sense. -
i dunno....
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 26 January 2009 04:36 am |
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First I just wanted to say that I understand completely what everyone here is saying......very much been there, done that. And I know that, from the first bite, once a binge starts it's pretty much trying to stop a moving train cause nothing you say to yourself is strong enough to control that continued hand to mouth motion. I pretty much binged myself into nearly 200lbs on a less than 5'3 body.
But I also have to say that while there have been times when I've overeaten on occassion, I haven't had a single, actual binge in 3 years and counting.....so I know it's possible to stop the behavior. And, it may not work for everyone, but frankly the only way I was able to stop was not giving myself the opportunity to start. Period.
There's certain stuff I know is gonna trigger me to binge - I'm talking food like ice cream, cookies, chips and pizza. So I don't keep it in my house. Ever. At all. For any reason. At some point I realized that if it was in my kitchen, no matter what my intentions ("I'll eat just a little each day", "It's not for me, it's for the bf, or the guests, or the party I'm going to" whatever) the result would be that at some point I'd get an urge, make my way to the kitchen, and no matter what lies I told myself when I sat down to eat however little bit, I would end up in an all out binge I'd regret the second I was done.
I know some people have limited control over what's in their kitchen and may not be in charge of the shopping. But, honestly, for anyone who has a problem with binge eating who is in control of the shopping - it's a thousand times easier to just not even buy the kind of stuff you know (really you know) you're going to end up binging on than trying to resist the urge once it's already in your house.
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Stephanieboda
New Member
| Joined: | 2 March 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 2 March 2009 11:29 pm |
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Been there, done that,  have come a long way
...being that most "trigger foods" are either sugar or carbs I found it really helpful as a first step to commit to nutritious eating. That meant that if I WERE to do cookies, I'd try to do the healthiest ones possible. They would contain a natural sweetener such as agave or stevia. You can get them at health food stores or make your own.
Likewise, if bread is your thing, get the best quality you can...I'm talking sprouted whole grains. It's really hard to try to go cold turkey so I spent several years working on replacing things like this. Also if you do end up bingeing at least you're getting some nutrients rather than poisoning yourself with toxins like refined sugar and processed flour...Last edited on 2 March 2009 11:41 pm by
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relmeka
New Member
| Joined: | 12 March 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
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Posted: 12 March 2009 10:15 pm |
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Hi Beachbum,
I've struggled with the same thing on and off for most of my life. I read once that food is often associated with comfort for a number of reasons. The one's that hit home for me were: My mother rewarded us with dessert or treats. When I was sad my mother or grandfather would get me a chocolate milk shake. Still to this day when I've had a horrible fight with family or boyfriend I crave a chocolate milk shake. Recently I started religiously exercising at a gym that's close to my house. I started taking green tea supplements and an anti depressant that helps with cravings. I took the advice of a very dear friend who told me to "be gentle to yourself." After my second baby was born I had left my job and stayed home with the kids. I was so depressed. Mostly because I was a shut in and bored too often. I ended up planting my #%@&! in front of the T.V. and going to town on bags of chips, cookies, ANYTHING that wasn't very healthy. I was drinking about 5-6 cans of Coke a day. And yes, I GAINED! So, instead of going from one extreme to the other, I decided I would have to literally take it one day at a time, and only make very, very small changes. I have to say, now, it has paid off. I didn't deny myself a "binge" after I started, but I changed it and set limits. Instead of ordering a Whopper meal, I ordered ONE snack wrap and had diet Pepsi. I was satisfied and I didn't have that horrible feeling from over eating. After exercising and gradually changing my diet I was amazed at my results. My energy was awesome. My back pain was going away. My cravings were diminishing. My mind was also feeling positive effects. It's not just about losing weight, it's about making healthy positive choices and learning self discipline. Learning self control and discipline for your body and health travels to other parts of your life. After all, for myself at least, taking control of my body and health has been the hardest challenge in my life so far. As for rewards and comfort, I convinced my husband that I needed a reward system that didn't involve food but something that was an indulgence I could look forward to. Pedicures, new purse, new shoes, facial, massage, night out BY MYSELF, etc... MUCH better than binging. Plus these rewards make you excited and you don't feel worse afterwards, you feel better!
Anyhoo, that was a long schpeel up there, but I mostly want to give a hug and a pat on the back. It's hard to talk about this problem with friends and family because there is a lot of guilt associated with it. The world isn't a perfect place and it can get pretty hard. Your body is responding to that. Acknowledge that and allow it to happen. And then tell yourself you have control. Because you do
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sweetie pie
New Member
| Joined: | 9 June 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 10 June 2009 04:04 am |
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| flipping horrible i just ate dinner half an hour ago and i want more food just reading this. i need help
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 31 October 2009 06:46 pm |
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hello!
i am an at home busy mom with a 4 yr old, 4 dogs and 2 horses. i do have down time, but i always get in a hard workout, usually a walking interval workout that is at least 2.5 miles all the way up to 5 or 7 on the high calorie days. I keep a food diary at livestrong.com and I do count my calories as my way of dieting. I have lost about 30 pds since i started this challenge for myself almost a year ago Thanksgiving. I started at 196 and am currently at 159-162 depending on my calories that day. I am also addicted to weighing in daily, usually in the morning after a BM...but not always...I am deciding to not weigh in daily, I just put the scale on the shelf in the laundry room closet to keep it away from me. I am in the winter challenge as well, and will weigh in fridays.
My problem is becoming late nite or just evening snacking. I can do great all day, most days and right after dinner I just eat eat eat eat and eat more.......I can have a great low day, then blow away like 600-1000 extra calories in the evening, just between like 6 and 10pm! Its crazy, its out of control, its disturbing my moods and making me an emotional freak. I dont always have hunger pains, its more the seeing my husband dive into his ice cream, or cereal, or chips or whatever he feels like having...some days i can resist eating too, but other days i cant handle it and i eat too. I made myself a nothing after 9pm rule, but i sure manage to get in as much as possible between 7-859! Its awful and its depressing me. My hubby gets upset because I am eating it, then beating myself up afterwards, logging it into the book, the diary and complaining about the fact that i couldnt behave. Its terrible and its hurting me, and my relationship. I dont know how to stop it. I am an emotional eater, I am a stress eater, I am a depressed eater, whenever i get upset food is usually where i go, except I just dont know how to stop.
In the last few weeks, my total intake has been up in the 2000 plus at the end of the day. To maintain i should be no more than 1600-1700 before any exercise...so you can see how my 400-600 calories burned in my exercise routines will end me up in the correct numbers but i dont want to be there. I need to be in the 1600-1700 at the end of the day with the 400-600 taking away from that, but honestly i cant seem to stop. Any stress trigger sets me off, and comment, or something that i can take wrong sets me off. I am scared that i cant get control of it.
I have read online some tips. I want to get around this and succeed and with the holidays i am scared to think i will stress over whether we spend time with my family, how i will get him to agree to going along and how i will avoid eating the high calorie junk that i know i dont need and honestly dont even enjoy that much. I just eat it because something in my brain tells me i need to do it, its like a robot. I sit in the kitchen and eating in silence tryin not to be seen. Its not good.
Is there anyone out there who can help?
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