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AshIdiot Distinguished Member 
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I have a food/exercise blog on a social networking site. It would be mostly a sideshow curiosity, since I don't advise people to use it. Too many 'anorexic' 15 year olds. I think this will be more of a running commentary diary and for anyone genuinely interested, I can link my weblog that I do live updates on throughout the day. On here I'll do one week per post, I guess. Monday, 21st. Horrible headache this morning, could NOT get up before 2 pm. When I finally got up I remembered Mom saying something about Dairy Queen in the microwave. I only eat two things there, chicken baskets and reese cup blizzards, so it wasn't hard to guess. It was already 2:30 by that time, so I reasoned I would have had breakfast and lunch by then. However many calories were in this thing, I'd even it out later and still stay under my roughly 1200 calorie limit. Their official site is amazing, it lets you take food off your order. Like I took away the toast and gravy from my basket, since I never eat that, and I saved 250 calories for a total of 770. Didn't take my appetite suppressants today, what's the point when you've slept through 60% of the day? I'll probably regret this decision come nightfall. Not sure what I'll have for dinner. My typical breakfast-y plate is 315 calories so I won't think twice about having that. Late night snack will be an apple, diet hot chocolate, and a can or two of Sierra Mist Free. Ta-da, 1190. Tuesday, 22nd. Woke up at 10 today, much better. No headache at all! Well...I'm starting to get one now after exercise and sitting outside with the dog. Very sunny day. Blinding. I'm running out of food so I'm improvising a little. I'm out of bananas, strawberries, white egg beaters, and this morning I had the last yogurt. My bank sent me a letter saying I've broken the law somehow, so I'm afraid to get money out and I absolutely hate borrowing from my parents. April has 7 ish more days, though, I'll have to do something soon. I only have one more apple left! So today my substitutes are whole eggs, a single serving of pancakes [seriously tiny], and pollock. Somehow, I get to eat an enormous amount of food today and still stay under 1200 calories. I've brought out three different calculators to make sure, haha. I should probably mention that my only condiment is spray butter, and I was really careful to pick out one that had less than 1 cal per spray. I only use it on mixed vegetables, which I admit I don't have often. So no regular butter, no ketchup, no syrup, none of that stuff I kinda miss sometimes. I start work in exactly one week and we only get paid every other week to begin with. So 21 days without money. Unless I switch over to my parents' bank like I know I should. Took the appetite suppressants today and found some raspberry crystal light tea in my closet. It is my first love. Exercised 80 minutes today. The pain in my legs is lessening. I'm on a mini newsletter for leg exercises and oh my god, I almost died the FIRST day! Wednesday, 23rd. 80 minutes exercise today, exactly 30 miles. So that's only 10 minutes shaved off my "lazy speed" results. Oh well. My knee hurts, though. The egg beaters were falsely advertised as pure whites. I almost cried when I poured out yellow gunk instead of murky white. But what can you do? You can calm down and stop obsessing, of course :P Very weak and tired today. It seems my body's gotten accustomed to eating every few hours and if I'm even ten minutes late, I get shaky and exhausted. Lovely. I can really use that at my new job. Thursday, 24th. Well, it's Thursday, which means I've had my body fat scale for a week and it's time to check my progress. And I've GONE UP! How the heck did this happen? What am I doing wrong? It's just so infuriating and depressing that I just want to give up and die or something. This is ridiculous. And every time I measure myself, I get something different. Seriously, you friggin stand on this thing, why is it rocket science? Why is it so sensitive to the most retarded things? Am I supposed to do it unclothed? WHAT? UGH! Being fat is the worst thing in the world. Ha, after that minor breakdown I did 3 hours cycling at a low speed. Lotssss of calories burned, and I only ended up eating 985 because I fell asleep early. Friday, 25th. Pushed myself today because I wanted to actually sweat and feel my leg muscles and heart working. 23.9 miles in one hour...good, no? My goal was 23.4 so I'm feeling pretty good. Whenever I hit a mark, like a factor of 10, 12, 15 or the halfway mark, I always try to figure out if I'm "on track" or slacking off. You'd think my math skills would be improving because of this, but they're really not, haha. Decimals. My enemy to the end. Or something like that. My appetite is non-existant until I eat, and then it's humming nicely for about 20 minutes after I'm done. But that's still good progress. Losing some crazy water weight, including 3/4" off each thigh in one week. And now, for the mini-plateau that always follows results! :O Last edited on 25 April 2008 11:31 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Hmm, didn't write the past two days. Uneventful except the weekends mean no exercise without being judged. And last night I had a mini-binge, taking me 320 calories over my limit. SO! To business. Monday, 28th. Raised my calorie limit to 1300 from 1200 and went around looking at my food labels to see what kind of protein, fiber, and calcium I'm getting. I'm doing very well in the latter two areas but I could use about 5 more grams of protein per day. I've got a free space of 90-100 calories daily depending on what granola bar I eat for dessert. Today I returned some of my summer clothes and hoped to get the cash, but instead they debited it back onto the credit card. So I had to go to the bank which I can apparently do now, since I got money with no problems. Spent $45 which is not bad at all, considering I bought two of everything. Kroger is amazing, just by having a little card you can usually get stuff at least 33% off regular price. And the prices are cheaper than walmart's to begin with, except for rice cakes...but I can do without those. The expensive yogurt was cheaper than the store brand and COKE WAS $3 FOR A 12 PACK!  In conclusion, today rocked except for some leg cramping that will prevent exercise today. Three days in a row without a good exercise session, it's killing me mentally. Work starts tomorrow. Tuesday, 29th. Work was good. Only four customers, though, 2 of which I personally encountered. So today I learned (and promptly forgot) general procedures. 2 nights of overeating in a row means I put on a whole pound. But hey, that's life. I'm friggin tired, too, not sure if I have it in me to exercise. My leg cramps up a lot if it's cold or if I do a lot of walking. SPEAKING OF COLD! Oh my god, I woke up this morning and there was snow on the ground. What's up with THAT? It melted soon, though. GRR! Why...can I not just stop when I've reached my limit for the day? Why do I have to find petty excuses to keep eating? Why can't I exercise every day? God, I just hate myself. Especially after leaving at 11 pm to get MCDONALD'S! Ugh. Lots of time on the exercise bike tomorrow. Like four hours. Wednesday, 30th. Hmm, not much going on today. Exercised for the first time since either Thursday or Friday. Oh gosh. Made up a lot of popcorn and put it in portioned bags. Tomorrow will be a very busy day at work. Oh boy. America's Next Top Model made me mad tonight. Binged. AGAIN! God I hate myself. Thursday, MAY FIRST :OOOOO Today was either dead or hectic at work. Literally. I would turn around after wiping down a counter and see a line of 35 people. I only messed up a couple orders I think...I hope. And they weren't TERRIBLE, like I just forgot a sundae topping or used special vanilla instead of regular as a base. It was so busy around the main three flavors that I cheated. But no one cares, including me. My feet hurt so bad and I was starving when I got home, so I had lunch and exercised. I thought I'd never get done with the 65 minutes but I did. In retrospect, I think I was 100% zoned out for the whole thing so it seems like it only took 10 minutes. Maybe I have a bit of ADD...that would explain so much. I'm certainly not deserving of the H in ADHD. Nothing else happened today. At least, so far. I have to replace some of the foods in my diet tonight, I keep getting bored and I think that's what causes the binges. Friday, 2nd. Tired am I. My legs hurt and don't have a lot of strength lately. All that standing, it's no wonder. Almost had to quit my workout 40 minutes early (  ) because my entire abdomen was cramping up and whatnot. But I pushed through and I'm feeling pretty good right now.Making fruit sorbets from concentrated juice. Wildberry is my favorite flavor of juice and muffins, everrrrr. Only <85 calories per cup, too. I'll freeze it up and eat it with a straw. And possibly do the same with some vanilla Coke zero... Yesterday, I only went 5 calories over my limit of 1300. This is pretty awesome, considering I had a giant potato on top of my normal pre-midnight-snack routine. My stepdad got home early, I keep thinking today is Saturday. Which would suck, I hate Saturdays...nothing on tv.... I was munchy-hungry today and grabbed a donut from a walmart box, thinking it would be 200 like a regular glazed krispy kreme donut. But this had chocolate icing and a cream filling, so that's got to be more calories than just a glaze....I put it as 350. Which means I'm 10 calories over my limit at 8 pm and haven't had dinner or dessert yet. Arghhh. If only I hadn't eaten that candy bar for lunch, I'd have 200 calories left to work with..... Oh my god are you serious? Mom brought home KFC. The only thing I eat is the wedges, though....Could be worse. Last edited on 3 May 2008 01:06 am by AshIdiot |
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clarinetgurl Distinguished Member 
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hi there ashidiot, Where are you working? Glad the bank let you get money. Oh, and 1300 seems a bit low-ish to me, especially since you sound like you are doing well on the exercise front. Have you figured up your RMR? CG  |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm working for Velvet Ice Cream. I'm not sure what my RMR is anymore, I keep either hurting my legs or having an upset stomach. I'll probably take a couple days off until I get sorted out. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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It's been 99 hours, so new week's topic it is. Saturday, 3rd. WHOO I can't remember what happened today. It's like the entire weekend in one day, I tell you what (  Hank Hill).I worked from .......#%@&!. I forget when. Something like 11 to 1:15, it was pretty slow today. I made a practice milkshake and I bought a half-gallon of sugar-free moose tracks, so that's $3.50 spent (yay employee discounts!). Then when I got home, my mom and I decided to go grocery shopping with my sister when she got off work. I hope we actually needed to and that I didn't just make her feel pressured to buy stuff...she spent $98 on a bunch of pork, beef, and various other things while I spent $20 on almonds, two kinds of fish, extra yogurt, tortilla chips and salsa, and a couple other fresh snack things. My sister is a nightmare and I can't stand her son. But that's a story for another time. Then to a second store, where cat litter was supposed to be on sale. But it was sold out so I got the store brand. And a bag of baked tortilla chips. And a bag of seasoned curly fries. Which I shoved in the deep freezer outside. I'm proud for not eating them. So after the milkshake lunch and the two bowls of ice cream for dessert, I forced myself downstairs to exercise. Once I started, it was pretty fun. It's my time to dance around and zone out and listen to embarrassing pop songs from the 90s. I did an hour, then some resistance training on my hooptie machine, a couple dumbbell things, and then another half hour on the bike. For some reason after doing leg presses and squats, my legs get stronger immediately for about an hour before they're done for the day. And now, I am showered and fatigued. My skin's so dry and chapped from the weather changes and the new soap I got. Argh. And PS: cherry chocolate diet dr pepper doesn't have dr pepper in it. I know, I was surprised when I tried it too. Sunday, 4th. Hec. Tic. Day at work. Oh well, at least it's over. Didn't get to talk much to the girl I want to be friends with. She greeted me happily though  Tonight is new Simpsons, Family Guy, King of the Hill, I think that's it. They moved Flavor of Love to Monday. Or maybe that was Rock of Love on Sundays, which ended last month. Hmm. Tomorrow's a day off. Whooot. Don't know about exercise tonight, my arms and patience are toast. I suppose I could do an hour or so of exercise. This week's total is 2 hours, 41 minutes shorter along with 66.5 miles shorter than last week's. But considering I skipped three days in a row this week and only did 5 days last week, I think I did just nifty. If I can exercise 6 solid days in a row per week, I should have some amazing numbers. Tuesday, 5th. I didn't write yesterday? Could've sworn I did. Worked today, the person I think I may or may not like didn't really say anything to me. LAME. I keep obsessing over the new flavors all day. I think about food probably 9 out of every 10 seconds. Like today, we got in chocolate-dipped strawberry among other things and I've tasted it in my mind all day. I don't know what to do. Working around food is the dumbest thing I could ever do. I eat less when I don't think about food at all but now that I see it so often, I'm screwed. My willpower is shot lately, I've been overeating and snacking for probably the last 5 days without fail. I hate it. I keep making excuses for it, like my new topic of "Stupid question about calories" if you're interested. Please don't be. Haven't exercised today because my ankle and butt hurt. Like the bones that you sit on when you're sitting. I've been cycling too long or something. I'm still looking for a suitable pillow that has enough traction for me to use it on the pleather seat that doesn't raise me up too high, or my knees will be bashing into the hand hold. Ahhh, me and my excuses. WHY DID I EVER BUY A 1/2 GALLON OF ICE CREAM? SO STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID! People think it's dumb to eat at fast food, which costs more than buying a bag of fries and a bag of chicken fingers. Well, it's because you can't eat 15 chicken strips in one day if you only bought 3. You know? I hate food. I can't say I'm on a diet, I'm not, I'm trying to find healthier subs for all the foods I eat, but it's all such a waste. And a destined failure, since I have no discipline. Wednesday, 6th. Last night I really tore up the kitchen. I had all sorts of things I shouldn't have eaten. I was just too lazy to make real French toast (90 cals per slice), so I grabbed some pre-made sticks (330 cals for 6....). And then I had massive amounts of ice cream and possibly chocolate. Hard to remember. Today's been great food- and exercise-wise. I did 1 hour of brisk cycling, then one where I let myself completely slack off. I still ended up doing 21 miles that hour, which I think is astounding. The fast hour was 25.5 because I had to do a couple extra minutes...I kept having to get up and let my mom in the house since we have to lock the screen door. I forgot, I actually had 2 servings of sugar-free ice cream (which is still 280 cals because of the fudge). So that's about 190 calories over my new recommended level of 1450. But like I said, I exercised 2 hours today, I won't really give it a second thought. The ice cream is gone now anyway, so no more lurking feeling in the back of my head. Well, at least until the longing sets in along with feelings of being deprived by force. Ha, my mind has problems. Work tomorrow. Thursdays tend to be kinda busy. I have nothing else to writeeee! Last edited on 7 May 2008 11:06 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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New post time, it seems. Thursday, May 8. Today was so busy at work. I was the only person working the ice cream bar so I had help from servers and one of the managers. Almost cried a few times, I'm very emotionally weak :P Came home and had a sort-of binge...ice cream, a candy bar, and a baked potato with FORBIDDEN KETCHUP. I really want Captain D's and I think I would have it in my hands right now if I weren't broke. I had all this on top of my designated post-work snack of almonds (170), so I'm pretty mad at myself for all the calories I've taken in. Way too tired to exercise. Stressful food-related jobs are of course gonna aggravate my problems, but sitting around at home with no job would do the exact same thing. Gas is up to $3.78. I remember in February when I only had to wait a couple days for it to go back under $2.50, which was the highest I would pay. Ha! God, I hate money. I never have enough. I want to go get money and get some needed groceries (wheat waffles, soymilk) but if I go to get just those two things, I'll end up getting bad food. Because I can't just screw up ONCE in one day, I get that whole dam-bursting wagon-abandoning trance and eat everything in sight. I don't know how normal healthy people manage to let themselves indulge AND eat all their healthy food. It's impossible. As if this day's post isn't long enough :P I went to the grocery store and realized, at the checkout, that I didn't get money at the bank beforehand. I had to do the walk of shame, putting stuff back where it belongs. Then I went normal shopping with money, then to McDonald's like an idiot. I'm just an emotional eater, plain and simple. I found generic soymilk today with less calories than my usual brand...see, silver lining! I ended up cycling 1 1/4 hours, which didn't even burn off my McD's let alone the binge from before. But that's okay, because I have a nice plan laid out that includes my binge foods like toast, baked potatoes, grilled chicken strips, and ice cream. Oh, p.s.....my body fat results are all screwy. Still. I think I'll just wait until I get the hand-held analyzer. Friday, May 9. Rechecked my body fat and it was tooootally off :P All of my measurements have shrank at least the teeniest bit the past 8 days, except my arms got 1/2" bigger :| So far the food has gone exactly to plan, since I allowed myself 100 free calories. I ate half my rice krispie treat right before I worked out and I'm saving the other half for tomorrow. Today I did some minor resistance/weight training, followed immediately by some interval stuff. I found a very basic time-intensity chart and I'll adjust it over the next few weeks. That workout plan is for every other day; on alternate days, I'll just one straight hour of cycling, which is my old normal routine. I'm trying to build a bunch of muscle because I know I'll be pretty darn underweight if I ONLY take off my excess fat. I'm stuffing myself with some extra protein to try to 'preserve' the muscle. I really don't understand protein so I tend to ignore it. If I eat it, I eat it, right? But now I'm having egg whites, turkey bacon, soymilk, chicken, and almonds all in one day. AHHHH did I mention I found 35 calorie bread yesterday?! Oh my god, it feels amazing to know I can have toast again! :D Saturday, May 10. Oh dear Lord. It's only Saturday? I'd never believe it. Today's been another weekend. Forgot to pick up my check today. Went shopping, got comfy shoes and some graham crackers. And a 24-pack of diet decaf coke for $5. Yeah, I was happy too. All day my leg muscles and joints hurt. I didn't get time to exercise until it was nearly 9 pm, and I did an hour. I got a lot of energy and stamina out of nowhere, it was fun. Until my knee started pulling slowly but surely. All good things must come to an end. I was hoping to do about 24.8 miles but only did 24.1 in the end. I tried flounder today. Tastes just like every other fish on the planet, but with less calories :) And now, I'm tired. And want my egg white omelet and fiber-fortified granola bar. Because that's just how I roll. Sunday, May 11. Had 4 keebler pb fudge cookies after midnight, so those are weighing heavily on today's intake. I'm thinking of letting it go since I'm working on building muscle and could use a few extra calories. Very rainy, stormy Mother's Day. Hopefully there isn't a big crowd at work like I expected. MUST REMEMBER PAYCHECK! :D There's a lot of bad food going around, like MARINATED chicken, chocolate cake, strawberry shortcake, and...well, I don't even like the rest of the food. So it's not a problem. I'm amazing at not eating cake unless I have a mini mental breakdown, and there's zero chance I'll put CHOCOLATE cake in my mouth. I despise it. I do like the fancy icing we put on it, though, it's got rainbow chips in it. And as for strawberry shortcake...I can just eat the berries. Delishus on their own. I wish there were hats leftover at work. I don't like spending so much time on my hair :( -- There's no reason anyone should ever have to endure a holdiay. I #%@&!ing hate my family, I don't ever want to see them again when I finally get enough money to move out. I don't understand anyone who WOULD. Why do people VOLUNTARILY do this to themselves? That's just ridiculous. And today at work sucked. I wanted to quit. And cry. -- Weekly exercise totals—Mileage: 104.1; Time: 5 hrs, 58 mins. Avg: 17.45 mph Monday, May 12. As of 5:12 pm I've done pretty well not indulging in bad things. I had three tiny taste spoons of ice cream (cinnamon, pb choc, and a weird one that turned out to be rocky road). I put that at 20 calories. I popped up a gallon bag of corn and put it in sandwich bags of 3 c each. When I eat them, I'll add some spray butter, and it'll still be 70 cals per bag. My feet and legs are hurting, I'm not sure about exercising. I don't like taking too many days off, though. AAARRRGGGHHH all of this bingeing made me gain back all the weight I lost. I'm up to 142.8 now, which sucks. I'm making a good effort to stop eating ice cream at work, though, since I have half-fat low-sugar ice cream at home I can [stringently] control the portion of. The scale at work can't be right...4 ounces looks a lot bigger than half a cup.... Last edited on 12 May 2008 10:22 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I have a problem with overeating. Again.  |
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zenobia Moderator
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sorry to hear about all of the junk at work and at home. sounds pretty annoying. but man, i gotta say you have a lot of guts to work at an ice cream shop! ice cream is such of a downfall for me- you have no idea. i could easily go through a half gallon in one sitting. i so love ice cream, it's sick. but don't beat yourself up. i know how you feel- i do the same things. i hope you find the will power and the motivation to get over these hurdles... it sucks, but you really just have to keep fighting. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I had a great long post and my stupid cat jumped up on the keyboard and hit the enter button when my mouse was over a link. ARGH! Why am I so easily irritated........or why do I surround myself with such sources OF irritation..... Edit: Okay, I've calmed down a little. The post was about my current problem and how I got out of it two years ago. Since then, I've even REMEMBERED! I tried my hardest to make healthier choices without logging (mentally or electronically) a single calorie. I suppose I should try to do that again, but I've dedicated so much time to memorizing the caloric contents of everything I eat that it will be harder this time around. So for now I'm going to abandon my foodlog xanga and keep my mind as clear as possible. I realize I eat out of boredom a lot of the time so I'm going to reacquaint myself with the Pledge polish and Mr Clean. This house could use some work, and that's a time-consuming job that has a positive benefit. My car could use a good vacuuming. My teeth need whitened. I need to brush more often. But how to make this optimistic, positive attitude last past the danger zone, aka 10 pm when I usually binge yet again? And will I remember anything I wrote by the time tomorrow starts? I suppose I could still log how much exercise I do. Just not how many calories it's burned. That will just refuel my obsession. In summation: Take it down a few notches, dear Ashley. Last edited on 13 May 2008 11:59 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I don't know how long I want to do this whole "allow yourself anything you want in any amount to defeat the mindset of a binge" thing...I'm getting really sick. And feeling dirty and poisoned. I can't abandon it now, I have to THOROUGHLY make myself hate bingeing and the foods that I tend to do so with. Then I can do a one-day detox of pure juice before returning to my actually nutritious diet plan. Bought cinnamon ice cream today. It tastes like snickerdoodle cookie dough, it's DIVINE. The smallest size they had it in was a quart. Or...technically, a half-cup, if I had just made myself a cone of it. The strawberry shortcake is also amazing, I about died when I tasted a little bit on a spoon, but they didn't have any packages of it. I'm getting so sick to my stomach from the fried chicken strips I got at Wal-Mart. So many additives, so much oil, so much breading...barf. No more chicken from now on, except when I pan-grill the fresh chicken I have in the freezer. I had to go to Wal-Mart to buy a bag of fries to replace my brother's that I scarfed down at 2 am. I forgot to get those 100 cal packs of Hershey snacks, which I think have mini kisses, cookie balls, and cocoa puffs in them. They seriously tackle chocolate cravings. Arrrrghhh can't wait for detox! I have such a stomach/head ache. I can't tell how much of it is caused by guilt I'm supposed to be suppressing. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I found a site that's similar to my xanga but it's geared toward dieters and has a lot of fancy tools and stuff. I'll try to work on an account there AND my xanga, to see which one works better. Done with the two-day gorging process....Tomorrow's juice fasting, and then back to my healthy diet. I'm only weighing/measuring myself once a month for a couple months, with the exception of when that GD thing from ebay gets here so I can test it against my scale. If that ever happens.... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Back on the diet. I didn't really follow it but I stayed at my calorie level...well, I went over by five, but I do that all the time even when I'm trying. I went to the store again (OMG SHOCK) and I got 100 cal packs of Oreo candy bites, generic sunchips, lower-calorie bran flakes than what I already have, diet v8 juice, all the sugar-free jello I could carry, and cans of diced potatoes. I realize I'm missing all sorts of nutrients by not eating the skin but right now I'm stuck on calories, and this saves 35 of them. And some manhours measuring and cutting up whole potatoes. I also found ice cream that's only 70 cals per half-cup, and I can't live without ice cream, especially being around it all the time. Today was good on ice cream, I measured out my dessert portion and at work I only tasted one flavor. I rekindled my love of diet pepsi today when I needed some tylenol at work (sprained wrist, still). I have some in my trunk, actually, how nifty. I take a thermos of diet hot chocolate to work now so I have something to swig on there and back. It doesn't keep it hot, at all, though it's nice to know I have chocolate in my car :) An owl broke into our house today and desecrated a few lampshades. And as my stepdad was trying to herd it back outside, it apparently made a pit stop at the top of the fridge. Argh, so much cleaning to do! And....oh lord. Tomorrow is the Mother's Day get-together for the people from out of town that couldn't come last week because of the bad thunderstorm. Thank god for work! The thought of my nieces and nephews running through the house, smearing food on things, digging through our desks, invading my room...oh, god, it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate children. I hate them so much. I don't know why it's legal to take them outside of your own home. Or even have them if you're clearly white trash. Ahem. Back to ME. I love raspberries. |
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zenobia Moderator
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lol... sorry, that last bit was just funny. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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It's 6:45 pm and I haven't gone to the store yet! Something must be terribly wrong with me! (We did run out of strawberries and I NEED those....maybe this evening) Season finale of about four shows I like tonight. WHOOOO!....#%@&!. Two of them are on at the same time. Well, one of them repeats constantly, I won't worry about that one. Added at 10: I'm so restless and agitated and fidgety. I think it's my blood sugar. I ate less than half an hour ago, though. Then I popped some gum and tried to do dishes, but the sink was clogged, and I got into a mini-fight with my mom over that.....hmm. I think my brain has trouble switching from one channel to the other or something. Last edited on 19 May 2008 02:53 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Worked 3 to 7:30 today. Slept in until 1:30, which was perfect timing literally. Zero exercise, poor diet, I'm gonna get so fat. And hate myself. I'm just so easily irritated and when I'm emotionally distressed in ANY direction, I lose all control over myself. Maybe I need pills... Edit: Binged last night, couldn't sleep until 3:30 because of the stabbing pain in my arm. And ZERO PAINKILLERS IN THIS HOUSE, I almost lost my mind. Why am I so injury prone? Even people I'm barely acquainted with comment on how often I have bumps, bruises, and aches. Well, there's also the fact that I'm an avid complainer. Mystery solved, I guess. More #%@&!!: Ate so much today. I can't stand my living arrangements. It's driving me insane. Everyday I get stressed about my siblings, parents, and the actual town I'm in. Hate it hate it hate it. I'd love to get up early and exercise but I'd be exhausted for work. Legs would be too weak to hold me up. Hate work too. No work, no money. But all that time and energy I could spend exercising and relaxing......No idea what to do anymore. But at least I got some advil today. Along with 15,000 calories of chocolate.... Last edited on 20 May 2008 11:38 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was good. Last night was good. I exercised for 90 minutes, which shouldn't be impossible to maintain if I keep the pace slower than usual. I can't stand my mom, she always [complains] about being hungry and fat. Fix it or stfu, you know?  One day she'll give up. That day can't come soon enough. And my god, if she doesn't stop talking to the dog like he's a human that matters, I'm going to slaughter him and drop him off at the Mongolian BBQ. |
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MidgeH Distinguished Member 
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Ash you're killing me! At least you didn't go to the store. Great job on the exercise, too. It's been a while since I've lived at home, but I remember the frustration. All you can do is work your own program. Oh, and prepare yourself for when you are out of the house and get the one hour phone calls to thrill you with all the adorable stuff the cat has done. (Really - it'll never stop. lol) |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I need apples, strawberries, bananas, and cat food. And I don't get paid until Saturday. And I'm terrified to even ask for my check because work will be so busy and everyone will be frustrated and snappy. I guess I could go to the bank and put the money in there when I find time...argh. So frustrated lately. In all the wide internet, no one knows how to make a sugar-free angel food cake or how many calories are in it. And god forbid you stumble onto yahoo answers, where everyone's a self-satisfied troll. I'm sick of being around ice cream all day. I hate calories. I hate money. |
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zenobia Moderator
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1 cup cake flour 1 teaspoon cream of tartar 1/4 cup sugar twin 1 cup egg whites (8 to 10 eggs) 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract Sift 1/8 cup Sugar Twin and flour together four times. Beat egg whites and cream of tartar until foamy. Add remaining sugar a little at a time, beating in well. Add flavorings and beat until very stiff. Fold flour into egg white and sugar mixture, sifting small amounts at a time. Pour into 10-inch ungreased tube pan. Cut through with a spatula to remove air bubbles. Bake at 275 degrees for 30 minutes, then raise the heat to 300 degrees and bake until done. Invert pan over bottle neck for one hour before removing form pan. Makes 12 servings. Nutritional Information (1 serving): Calories: 44 Carbohydrate: 7 grams Protein: 3 grams Fat: trace Saturated Fat: trace Cholesterol: 0 mg Fiber: trace Sodium: 44 mg Potassium: 91 mg Calcium: 7 mg Exchanges: 1/2 starch found this on recipe secrets. i think sugar twiin is like splenda. |
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zenobia Moderator
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or.... (recipezaar.com) sugar free gluten free angle food cake
Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 (69g) Recipe makes 8 servings The following items or measurements are not included below: Splenda granular Calories 95 Calories from Fat 1 (1%) Amount Per Serving %DV Total Fat 0.1g 0% Saturated Fat 0.0g 0% Monounsaturated Fat 0.0g Polyunsaturated Fat 0.0g Trans Fat 0.0g Cholesterol 0mg 0% Sodium 233mg 9% Potassium 213mg 6% Total Carbohydrate 16.2g 5% Dietary Fiber 0.7g 2% Sugars 0.8g Protein 6.1g 12% |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Left for work at 12:30, expected to arrive at 1:30. Instead, I got there at 12:45 which is the usual commute time. All the traffic is coming from the other direction, apparently. So I get more sleepy times! whoo hoo! Today was nowhere near the nightmare I expected. The only thing that made it bad was being reprimanded by a manager because I put the sundaes in the wrong dishes. Bigger mistakes have been made, it's cool. 6 hours on my feet, though, I don't know what sort of cycling I could accomplish. Plus, that's a workout in itself. If the rushing back and forth isn't exercise, the stress sure is. But enough about that stupid #%@&!. I stayed within my diet guidelines yesterday and so far today. I've got so many calories left even after dinner that I doubt I'll go over in the end. Edit: Yeah, I skipped 'real' exercise, but...come on. Gaining 1.2 pounds? LAME! Last edited on 25 May 2008 05:07 am by AshIdiot |
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zenobia Moderator
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I stayed within my diet guidelines yesterday and so far today. I've got so many calories left even after dinner that I doubt I'll go over in the end. YAY Ash! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Braindead. Feet are about to fall off. My scalp is trained into a ponytail. I am truly a working girl. Today was supposed to be the busiest day of the three-day festival, and it ends tomorrow. Ahhhh sweet relief! And this check was bigger than the last, so my spirits are up a bit. It couldn't possibly go lower, but if it had, I would lose my mind. Nephew is staying the night. It's not bad enough that he was here when I woke up at 7, I guess. Ugh. Frickin hate this kid. Just...ugh. Laid awake in bed from 1 to 3:30. I'm depressed at nothing and it's showing itself by making me lose interest in all of my friends and get very fed up with them for little to no reason. All I can think about is my weight and how unhappy I am with my living arrangements. SUCKSSSSS but these aren't the easy things that can be fixed overnight. Last edited on 26 May 2008 02:07 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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No more ice cream festival! Hoorayyyyy. My feet are aching. No work until either Thursday or Friday, I forget which. Food-wise I've been perfect since Friday. Thursday night was when I screwed up. Haven't formally exercised since Friday evening, either. My primary thing is cycling, so I could dope myself up on Tylenol and do that...ehh maybe tomorrow. We'll see. Oh, and when I say my eating has been perfect, I'm of course only referring to the calorie totals :P I ate a lot of junk, skipped some healthy stuff, went long periods without a snack at work. Stuff like that. BUNNY!  |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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This morning I woke up to a beautiful, overcast, hot, muggy day. My favorite! Bought another body fat analyzer on ebay. If I get the other one I ordered, which I thoroughly doubt, I can have them compete with my scale. Oh...I also bought one two days ago online. Wow, obsess much? Working around ice cream all day has made my dreams turn loopy. I'm always wiping down counters, taking orders, fighting with newly-opened frozen whipped cream, and slicing up bananas. But that's cool because I sat down for a bit and found out how to make a sundae for only 195 calories. If I take 1/4 c ice cream off it, it's down to 160. But where's the fun in that? Hopefully I'll stop picking at the chopped almonds until dessert time. I could even get some Chips Ahoy (53 cals each) and replicate a fancy one from work. Down to 138.6 this morning. I'm guessing my weigh-ins have been bad because I didn't eat much in the morning and then scarfed all evening the past few days. But that's changed back to normal. Got an account on a site that tracks calories, measurements, and exercise. It lets you customize everything, which is great if your idea of a serving is different than the database's. Most sites don't have that option and it was discouraging. So today was pretty darn good, in summation. Ah, forgot to mention. On the aforementioned site, I discovered a lot of my calorie estimates were off by about 5-15 calories per food. Some were less, some were more, and miraculously I broke even. But still, this ice cream has to be breaking labelling laws...if you total up the carbs, fat, and protein, you get 15 cals more than what's listed It's STILL less calories than the equivalent at work, though, so why on earth am I complaining?! I made a sundae out of it and it was so good, except I forgot that I hate whipped cream. I just like making flower shapes on stuff with it  Last edited on 28 May 2008 12:37 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Exercised today, only minor pain on my existing blisters. 24.7 miles! I thought I'd be lucky to do 22, but then when I saw my speed I thought "okay, how about that recent baseline of 23.4?" and then "whoa, I could try for 24!" Very accomplished today. Except my hoodia pills are coming back up on me, making a sick-tasting knot in my stomach. But I did notice how much I sweat today and the weird smell of fish left out on the counter too long. Hopefully that's a good thing in terms of weight loss. Last night I broke over and had a diet decaf root beer. I thought I'd try to go a while without diuretics since dehydration is a big issue for me. Been drinking a lot more water, thanks to straws :D They really are so nifty and great when you don't have an extra hand to spare. I need to go lay down a while, plus King of Queens is on. Love that showwwww |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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2,035 calories today. And it's only 5 pm. *whimper* |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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So far, today's been very unusual. I got up at 2:30 after having woken a few times momentarily. Had a headache. It vanished almost right away, though. I had my two glasses of water with pills and then I decided to go wipe down the countertops in the kitchen because they're always gross. That escalated into doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, vacuuming the dog hair out of the fridge grill, and rearranging the pots and pans. Had a banana around 4 with another glass of water and when I finally finished cleaning around 5:45, I had cereal, yogurt, and an apple. Then I decided there was nothing good on tv and that I needed to exercise, even after all that helpful procrastinating. I did 25.9 miles in exactly one hour, which is mind-blowing for me! I was only trying to do 24.6 or whatever I did yesterday to match it, then I thought I could do 25, then 26. Came up just short. There's no ventilation in the basement and I overheat easily. A water bottle helps a little but I don't want to pass out and not be found for a few hours or anything gross. Also, my heart leapt at one point today. Maybe I imagined it, maybe not. But from now on, I'm taking it easy. I'll consider the past couple days a good way to get rid of the ice cream madness of yesterday. 8:30 and I've only had 360 calories....argh, what on earth can I have for dinner to fix that? A giant baked potato and extra chicken, I guess. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Eating's been terrible. Tried to exercise today but I kept seeing shadows dart across the walls from the ceiling windows in the basement. Got scared and ran upstairs :( Did a solid 13 minutes, though. Better than nothing, right? |
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MidgeH Distinguished Member
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Oh, AshIdiot I feel you! I HATE basements (I won't go in one at night). I did find that having a little tv in the basement helped though. (I guess it kept me from dwelling on who was hiding behind the water heater.) |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Tomorrow = payday, which means healthy food and a fan for the basement. Going back to lifting weights along with cycling. Thinking of making a move on someone at work. Never really done it before, this'll be fun to watch : / Prettyfied a little today when I got bored. Clipped all my nails, filed my feet, used a de-aging hand scrub, painted my nails. My toes match my car and my hands are a sheer lilac. Need to do a face mask/scrub combo. List of current wants/needs: Pedometer Fan New athletic shoes Breathable gym shorts |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Diet's been slipping. Exercise sucks because my bike is getting old and worn down. Still kinda down lately for no real reason. I really don't know why I can't just stop and think before I binge on junk food. |
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zenobia Moderator
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hey ash hope you are feeling better. yeah, i feeling all #%@&!ed up, too. it all wokrs ou tin the end... everything is going to be ok... and every other cliche cheesy upper phrase that's out there. but really, just picture a cat dangling from the tree- hang in there (omg, i HATE that poster!) |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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WELL HALLO THAR, ABANDONED DIARY! Tomorrow I shall start writing in you again  Pfft, I could at least bring you guys up to speed. So, my temp job of scooping ice cream is over. Ended Halloween. No more ice cream surrounding me, which is good. I have some 80 cal caramel pecan crunch (...no pecans, no crunch) and some 70 cal strawberry and that's it. I eat ice cream so rarely now, I wonder why I bother. I've been unemployed since then, but not for lack of trying. I'm trying to give up unhealthy food and it's pretty friggin hard. I don't do the fries and chicken nuggets thing anymore. Nothing deep-fried. It takes less time to just freaking cook the fish or chicken yourself than it does to stick it in an oven, even without pre-heating time. So that's what I shall doooo. I need a digital food scale so badly because I love chicken and potatoes but I'm always worried about calorie fluctuations between each serving. They're like $30 though. Maybe for christmas. I'm trying to exercise daily, 60 minutes of sweaty cycling (I have a fan now! it's been such a long time since I last posted, lol) followed by 30 minutes of whatever reduced speed I feel like. My goal is to have 20% body fat and wear a size 4 jean in American Eagle...if those two numbers can peacefully coexist. Right now I'm 29% and an 8-10. My old friend wore a 4 last I saw her and she looks good. I want to be the girl that blends in, not the ultra-skinny girl. OOH! Just now I remembered we have a george foreman grill. You don't have to defrost meat when you use one of those (I think). Dude, cooking just got 40% easier. Last edited on 4 December 2008 11:51 pm by AshIdiot |
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MidgeH Distinguished Member
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Welcome back, Ash! |
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zenobia Moderator
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yay! so happy to see you ash! sounds like you've made a ton of great changes. right on  oh, you should still defrost your food before the Forman grill. it'll burn on the outside and stay frozen in the center if you don't. just throw chicken into a bowl of water about a half hour before wanting to cook it. you may have to change the water once, but it works and you don't have to nuke it. Last edited on 5 December 2008 03:43 am by zenobia |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was one of those weird, busy days. Of course, my definition of busy and your definition of vacation may be eerily similar. I woke up around 10 to go grocery shopping with mom. I got tilapia fillets and chicken breasts to throw on the george foreman. And clementines are now in season. I feel bad about not buying my own groceries anymore and I can tell mom's spending more than she would like. I need to just go to the bank and buy my own stuff like I did as of last month. I exercised for an hour as usual but then my bike started grinding so I tried to fix it and ended up throwing stuff and crying angrily. But it's patched up for now and I did 30 extra minutes like I'm in the habit of doing. I've only had fiber one pancakes for breakfast and some nutrigrain waffles for lunch. I have no appetite this week. Since last Sunday, I've been eating whatever healthy food I wanted and not counting calories, sort of to show myself that I have more options than I usually notice. Then next week I'm going to count my calories, and the week after I'm going to see where I have room for improvement. I ran my errands tonight and got gas. Haven't done that in....a month. I spent $6 on a quarter tank. The pump did that shuddering thing, so I thought my tank was full and stopped. Oh well, as long as it's over half full it should be okay in the winter cold. Lately I'm very intrigued by Aunt Millie's line of products. Don't ever, ever try the muffins. They will make you devour the whole box and try all the other flavors. But on the other hand, their wheat breads and stuff have 60 cals whereas generic wheat bread is usually 70. Ten cals is ten cals, baby. They also have whole-wheat english muffins I thought I'd try. I'm just not into english muffins, it seems, so I gave them to my brother. Egg sandwiches all around! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okkk after a bad experience, I fixed my upright bike and did 35 minutes. Nowhere near my usual 90 but I'll take it. I had bad food today. I let myself get talked into something at Aldi I'm always trying to avoid. 390 calories just in that. I got mini rice cakes and generic fiber bars. Those are good food. Either way I ate too many cals, ate bad cals, and didn't exercise enough. Today = not great. Last edited on 7 December 2008 01:15 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was mostly good. I cleaned, I exercised. I said I wasn't gonna count calories this week as long as I ate only healthy food but I'm a little preoccupied with numbers and guilt I shouldn't even be feeling. I did have one cubic inch of brownie. I don't even miss brownies. Also, I went a little overboard with the mini rice cakes. All of that considered, today's been my best non-perfect day in a very, very long time. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was #%@&!. Who the heck's surprised? I need to never, ever buy any sort of bar again. Or rice cake. I just can't stop eating them. It's pathetic and ridiculous. I can't find those stupid receipts and I can't stop thinking about how much money mom spent on me this week. I just want to take everything back that's still unopened. I don't feel like I deserve it. Part of me wanted to give up and be fat for the rest of my life today. Ironically, while watching Work Out. Something about pointless lesbian drama just makes me want chicken nuggets. I'm so tired of living here and not having a job. I've done what I can to fix that situation though. It's just not happening right now. And it is frustrating. Fourth fiber bar of the day. Hopefully that'll punish me for being reckless and be a long-lived reminder of why I'm not supposed to do that. Dinner was a whole can of diced potatoes with calorie-free maple syrup and five chicken tenderloins. Talk about a backslide. Last edited on 9 December 2008 01:03 am by AshIdiot |
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zenobia Moderator
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dude, i'm the same way on bars or any chip cake like thing. man, it just sucks |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was me trying to be good. I had 11 hershey kisses (295 cals). That was my only bad food of the day. Dinner's another can of diced potatoes because I'm restless and moody. When am I not, though? Trying to resist the pouch of choc chip cookie dough mix I found today while searching for potatoes. We've had a jumbo tube of sugar cookie dough in the fridge for at least ten days, I'm not even tempted. I hate sugar cookies. I have the feeling I'm gonna get mad at something for no reason and end up making the chocolate chip and hiding them in a ziploc in my closet. Oh well. I missed my little bunny So. *cough* 7 more kisses and 1/3 bag microwave popcorn later...... It would have been more popcorn but there was a giant hole in the bag. Thank god for that. Last edited on 10 December 2008 02:49 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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People annoy me so much. Today I did 30 mins intervals, 30 mins freestyle. Same as usual. Already drank my quart of water by 6 pm. Getting kind of annoyed for no reason. Edit: I'm thoroughly convinced that SlimFast is merely Carnation Instant Breakfast. Edit: Wtf....I had cookie dough. That is like. Wow. And I've gained weight. Dude, why wasn't I thinking about my calves and my ankles measuring smaller this Sunday? Why oh whyyyy. I'm throwing the rest away. I only put it in the fridge because deep down I know I'll want more tomorrow. Last edited on 11 December 2008 05:19 am by AshIdiot |
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zenobia Moderator
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AshIdiot wrote: People annoy me so much.lol- just you wait, chicadee. oh lord, just wait. Edit: I'm thoroughly convinced that SlimFast is merely Carnation Instant Breakfast. um- yup... or gas in a can. fact. gross but true. Edit: Wtf....I had cookie dough. That is like. Wow. And I've gained weight. Dude, why wasn't I thinking about my calves and my ankles measuring smaller this Sunday? Why oh whyyyy. I'm throwing the rest away. I only put it in the fridge because deep down I know I'll want more tomorrow.the first place i see any sort of gain is my calves. water weight, real weight... whatever. it show in the calves. i eat anytihgn with salt. 2.4 seconds later, my calves are 1.89 inches thicker. i'm not even kidding. sucks. a. lot. on coookie dough- yeah, just toss it. cookies dough is too good to be true. so... "negative ghost rider". good call on nixing it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Salt and butter are my new frenemies. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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It's 11:15 and I haven't had anything not allowed on my diet. Huzzah! I exercised today too. I almost skipped it. I showered and picked up eggs and bananas. I normally don't shower twice a day but I finally decided I'm NOT too tired to workout and I got all that fixed up. I woke up to a curious sight. A black box on my desk, eh? It's a whole case of Lo-Carb Monster Energy drinks. My mom gets stuff like this free all the time. Heck, I still have half a case of Unbound Energy in my closet. What am I gonna do with all this? I'd sell it on ebay or to online friends but in the winter, it'd just freeze and explode. I don't work right now or I'd sell it to my coworkers. Hmm. I'll figure something out eventually. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Tomorrow night's my weigh-in and I'm still hesitating about exercise. I need to get my butt in gear and stop doing this. I haven't had anything bad to eat in a couple days, I'm definitely going to keep that going. Didn't even touch the peanut brittle I made today. I need to get off here and just do my workout already. The sun's setting and I have nothing better to do or watch on tv. Ok. Let's try this. Edit: Woohoo, exercised. Breakfast was, once again, a parfait and a cappuccino from McDonald's. My mom is in the habit of taking me to fast food after we grocery/clothes shop and today I just rolled with the punches. I wonder why we shop for food so often. I try to get her to stick to her list of essentials but anytime ANYthing is on sale, she has to get it. If it's a 4/$10 sale, she has to get all 4. I don't know why. Maybe I could get a debit card already. Or a credit card to build my credit. I no longer shop on impulse or go for binge food at 11 pm. I think I could handle it. I've been craving chips and salsa so I bought some little mini tostitos (140 cals for 24 chips) which are the best I've found calorie-wise, even considering they're ................ deep-fried. Shoot. That goes against my diet rules. We don't have any baked ones, though. I don't think I have any better alternatives for dipping. I severely doubt caramel rice cakes would work Edit 2: I got a walmart credit card for starters and I did have some tortilla chips. The salsa is too sweet for my liking. I won't be eating either one so this was just a one-time thing. I can totally live with that. I counted my calories today and they were surprisingly low (aka my original intended target). I wonder what my cals have been all week, hopefully the same. I need to start making weekly grocery lists. Last edited on 14 December 2008 03:07 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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A bored and unmotivated Ashley checked her body fat a moment ago. Down 0.7% from last week. 2.7% more to lose by Christmas Eve, lmao yeah right. That's ten days. Monday was the last time I skipped a workout. Wednesday was my last binge. I think it was, anyway. Sometimes I get too ashamed to write them down. I've noticed while I'm doing the high-intensity part of my intervals that my thighs jiggle and move a whole lot more. My paranoid, blindly-optimistic mind tells me this is because "the fat is loosening away from the muscle to be burned off more efficiently." Honestly, what am I doing wrong? I think I get plenty of protein, my muscle shouldn't be wasting away. I hate this whole weight-conscious #%@&!. Fat people are everywhere. I should just give up and be one of them instead of trying to fight the tide. Last edited on 15 December 2008 01:22 am by AshIdiot |
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MidgeH Distinguished Member
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Actually you might be kinda right about the fat on your thighs thing. My guess is that it's not fat that's jiggiling, it's looser skin which means that fat pockets under it are collapsing. You're young, the skin will bounce back. You just have to stick with it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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The past few days I've been doing slimfast and a grilled chicken breast for my daily intake. I got all my nutrients but potassium and fiber, off the top of my head. I kinda needed to confess it. I don't know why I'm trying to impress my dad's family at the christmas eve party. I hate every one of them and let's face it: if I put on 20 pounds in the next week, I'd still be the skinniest female there. But I don't want to have that "safety net", I want self-reliance. I don't want to have that excuse. I want to lower and stabilize my weight permanently. It's slow-going because I have mood swings and I'm easily discouraged with no accountability. I hope I get a friggin job soon, I've applied to at least six this month. Maybe if people saw me on a daily basis I'd have more motivation or something. When I worked at the ice cream parlor I had a phrase written down that worked: "Do you want people to think you've worked here for quite some time?" I don't want anyone to assume things about me based on my weight. Up until I was, I believe, 13 I was constantly asked whether I was anorexic. I was just a late bloomer. And I took that for granted. I don't want to take anything else for granted. I don't want to wait until I'm 25 to lose weight. For god's sake, I'm going to be 20 in February and that's hard enough on me. I wasted all of my teenage years being fat. I don't want to do the same thing to my 20s. Now, I've exercised every day for 8 days straight now and it's something I can very easily keep up. When I exercise in the morning like I've started to do, a binge never has the opportunity to discourage me from putting in effort. I've just got to find ways to avoid night eating and the weight should come right off. I wonder if there was a point to this post at all. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Muahaha! I DID post my weight on here! It's from late May but that's still something to work with. I'd love to be 138.6 again, geez. Tonight is my weigh-in night. Normally I only do it on Sundays but with the party thing, I don't want a last-minute surprise. No, no nooooooooo. Went shopping today, largely using coupons. I was bored last night so I figured I'd go through them while TBL was on and I found all sorts of things. Well, some things were sold out or more expensive even with the coupon so I got generic. I'm re-stocked on bananas, apples, nutrigrain waffles, and diet bread. And VANILLA COKE ZERO was on sale! Oh my gosh. I about flipped when I saw it. It's my favorite drink in the whole world but it's usually like, $4.39 for a 12 pack. I got two for $6. Oh yes indeedy. While I was on my slimfast kick I discovered that steamed soymilk is delicious on its own. Oh, and I found a coupon for a FREE small McCafé drink at McD's. They're really good. The non-fat sugar-free vanilla cappuccinos are, anyway, that's all I've tried. A small is bigger than you think it's going to be, probably around 12 oz, and it's $2.49 regularly. I can get breakfast for a dollar sometime if a parfait mood strikes me. Edit: French vanilla slimfast tastes exactly like pudding mix. This pleases me greatly. Edit 2: My body fat and measurements went up. Arrrrgh. 1,225 calories today. I finally remembered to count. Last edited on 18 December 2008 03:00 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I woke up 3 hours earlier than usual due to a dream about werewolves. I have never been so bored out of my mind. Watching my mom make ham bean soup is just not primetime entertainment. I had about 1/6 batch of peanut brittle (oh god another food addiction, just what I need!), 2 strawberry-filled cookies (they taste like cereal bars!) and a bag of......dun dun dun.....microwave popcorn. That's like six nights in a row. I know I'm "female" but for crying out loud. So tonight I ventured outside to walmart since it's closest. The first parking spot I saw was next to my dad's van so I went inside, expecting to see him in the vision dept or the catfood aisle. Nowhere to be seen. And this guy is like 6'2 with white hair and a mustache. Not a lot of people at the wallamarta look like that. At least around here. So I grabbed my intended item, brown paper bags, and I left. I'm going to start popping all that corn I have. It's orville redenbacher brand, it's pretty good in the air popper. But I'm discouraged from making noise during the day since my brother and stepdad sleep in shifts. Like, 8 am is the only time you can catch both of them awake. It's nuts. I have some ranch sprinkles I found on sale a while back. I mistakenly thought I liked ranch flavoring because at my first job, they handed out ranch Moose Munch snack mix of some sort and it was totally awesome. But I guess it was ranch DRESSING flavor, because this isn't the same at all. It's still edible. I was shocked at how little I needed, too. I saw the "1 tsp" on the nutrition label and snorted. But I had plenty at the bottom of the bag from that little teaspoon. I like plain popcorn, so I don't know why I'm making this fuss. I'd spritz it with my nonstick olive oil spray but I'm terrified of the calories in aerosols. After my first nibbling of nut brittle I did TWO HOURS of exercising. So my guilt is pretty much tepid at this point. I like it like that. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I don't like watching what I eat. Until I realize that none of my clothes fit. Tomorrow is my mom's baking day since we give treats for christmas instead of stuff. Maybe I'll lock myself in my room with fruit salad. Oh, I'll have to get eggs. We went through 17 in like, 6 days. Okey dokey folks! The last time I ate unacceptable food was 10:35 pm EST, Friday December 19th. <a href="My timerhttp://www.timeanddate.com/counters/customcounter.html?month=12&day=19&year=2008&hour=22&min=35&sec=0&p0=805">My timer</a> I don't have a goal in mind of how long to go, because once I make it that far I'll revert. That's not really my plan of action. I just wanna look at it once in a while and motivate myself. And if it helps other people to see how long a fellow CPHer has gone, well, that's dandy too. I bought romaine blend bagged salad at the store, my favorite. I have two stalks of celery I can dice and throw in there. I should be set for tomorrow. I was gonna pre-cook some chicken so I could just nuke it tomorrow but I got lazy and forgot to pull it out of the freezer. I've changed my computer wallpaper to myself looking thin and confident (taken Feb 6th of this year, can you imagine?!). I didn't master the brown bag popcorn technique, my first try resulted in burnt popcorn smelling of vomit. Practice makes perfect though and I have plenty of spray butter and NuSalt. I have no snacks hidden in my room and any nut brittle we make from this point on is strictly for christmas gifts. I think I'm pretty good and set right now. Maybe I'll get up and exercise before my sister comes over. Last edited on 20 December 2008 04:13 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Haven't posted here because I'm just ashamed of my eating habits. That last post I made makes me physically ill. Not sure what to do. Yesterday was good, I ate a normal amount of calories and exercised a little extra despite being very frustrated. My zune was dead yesterday...I thought it was because of the whole leap-year screw up but I have a 120 model, not a 30. Turns out my battery was just dead. Silly me. And my brother's cd player did the same four tracks over and over again on random mode. I'm pretty discouraged because my intervals aren't nearly as strong as they once were. I paused twice last time I did them, and I only did 15 minutes instead of 30. Laaaame. My slimfast can came with a recipe booklet. I do not recommend the apple pie one. Blechhhh. I feel like I'm always hungry. I just want a humongous plate of grilled chicken dusted with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Maybe some ketchup on the side. And some spicy potato wedges. I need spice and protein, it seems. You know, all the pepper and seasoned salt could totally help me clear out this congestion. Maybe I could save up my calories today and have a big dinner.... I suppose I do have some small things to be thankful for. My weight's been stabilized at 140-142.6 the past couple weeks. A lot of my measurements are slowly creeping down, but my fat percentage goes up. I guess it'll all work out eventually. Last edited on 2 January 2009 07:42 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I finally found the walden farm peanut spread. Haven't tried it, I'll open it when I run out of PB2. Which, by the way, makes a fantastic dessert when added to chocolate slimfast....Today I got some low-sodium sunflower chips and a new jar of salsa that hopefully isn't the faintest bit sweet. I figured they'd be a good alternative to tortilla chips. 5.5 g unsaturated fat, that's good. See, I used to be paranoid about the total fat but I never took the time to read how much of it was saturated. I also got four bags of discontinued kettle corn flavored rice quakes. They're awesome. They had a 1/4 of a watermelon on clearance for $1.23, I've been craving it lately. Hmm. Grocery blogging again. I did get a 'work shirt' today on clearance at kohl's, haven't tried it on. We were in a hurry to get the <1 pm earlybird price. My size 11 SO jeans are really baggy. Not falling off but I got a ton of room in there. Tomorrow night when I do my measurements I'll see if I can have any smaller clothes. I made a wordpad document with the measurements of my 'skinny clothes'. I'm feeling so guilty because I spent $35 bucks today that she covered with her debit card. If I knew her bank account number I'd do a deposit slip. Edit: done exercising. I feel like I've got less fat but I'm waiting until this time tomorrow to find out. It's funny, I've usually abandoned all diet plans by friday evening which made my measurements very....consistent, week after week. I'm hoping to see some improvement this week. I started doing a couple light weight exercises with 5 lbs but now I can comfortably do them all with 8 except for the one where you bend at a 90 degree angle and bring your arms up to shoulder level at your sides. Some sort of fly I think. I really miss my old Turbo Sculpt tape. All of my muscles were goooood sore after that. Maybe someday at a yard sale. Edit 2: after all that, I ............. BINGED? Yeah. Now I'm a sad little bunny. Last edited on 4 January 2009 02:19 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm scared. I'm incredibly depressed. I'm just a mess, really, at the moment. I've been all over ebay and walmart.com (new credit card, ha) trying to find some material thing to fill the void and then I thought "why don't I try to fix this instead of avoiding it?" Well, then I did some googling around and read something along the lines of "people who binge out of emotion do so because there is something they are avoiding and have not talked about" and it got me thinking. But then my mind immediately closed off and I felt like crying. I have a good idea of what I'm blocking out but I have to wonder why I don't think about those things while I'm eating. Or immediately after. In fact, the only time I think about that stuff is when I'm watching a tv show with plot or a movie where I can empathize with a character. So um. Back to safe ground here. I think I'll go ask for book recommendations... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Last night was a very weird night. Back to reality! It's 6:15 pm and I've only had 450 calories. I'm not even hungry. I've had 4 servings of fruit so far. And salsa, sunchips, and a single strip of bacon. I'm trying the thing where you allow yourself bad food because telling yourself 'no' brings out your bitter, rebellious side. It seems to be working. I bought myself some cashew lover's poppycock. Yes, it's pure sugar, which is against my previously established diet rules. I told myself no corn syrup (except the stuff in my bran flakes, I cannot live without them). This also makes granola bars off-limits (btw fiber one makes MOCHA bars now!). For those curious, here were my rules:
So am I going to allow 'bad' snacks or am I gonna try to live without having those things in the house.... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I had 101 grams of cashew poppycock for breakfast, which equals...545 calories. Yowza. I burned that off and then some. I made myself do 48 miles in two hours on my bike. My feet hurt but I did it. Pretty proud. It said 1,000 calories, and even though those things are never correct, I'm still happy. So today's gonna be fruit and veggie day...I do have some chicken thawing for dinner. You know what's really good? Sugar-free raspberry jello with cool whip free and low-cal chocolate syrup. All mixed together. Yeahhhh. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Binged on cookies and the dough thereof........ughhhh. So frustrated. I need to weigh myself or something every time I get hungry because I've been in the high 130s when my stomach was empty and right after exercise. |
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mj36 Senior Member 
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I don't like watching what I eat. Until I realize that none of my clothes fit. Your comment describes my situation perfectly! We also share an unfortunate tendency to binge. I haven't figured out a way to permanently get it under control, but I will keep fighting til I do~ Sounds like you do a great job on your exercise bike. Keep at it and you will reach your goal weight! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I went through and read the first page of this diary and wow, I'm slightly neurotic. I've been consistently doing 24 miles in an hour and thought that was improvement but apparently, I was doing that in May. Hmm. Maybe this means I'll weigh less, like I did in May.... Binged today but I brushed my teeth and unwound, I'm feeling pretty good now. Haven't exercised though. My head hurts. Oh my gosh! Last night I made a pouch of peanut butter cookie mix with the hershey kisses on top. Then I found a pack of hershey brand chocolate chips and made half a batch of those. It's so weird because I have zero patience for rolling the dough into balls and baking it and all that. I feel so weird. EVERY time I start creeping back down to the 130s, I start bingeing. It's frustrating. Maybe I'm hiding from something. I need to go to bed earlier and start exercising FIRST thing in the morning again. That worked for a couple weeks. Let's see...my stepdad has another 5 or 6 weeks of phys therapy and then he can go back to work. I've almost forgotten what it's like only seeing him three days a week...ayiyiyi. When he does, things will change radically. Hopefully for the better. That's an awful thing to say, isn't it? Yes, it is. God, I really wish I had a job. I thought a few people would be looking to hire new people once the holiday rush was over, but I guess not....This is just depressing. There's a college down the street but I am just not interested in anything. Plus, my real dad's actually broke now and he couldn't finance it like he did for my brother. Ahhhhhh need a job job job job job jobj objob ob job job job Edit: today was almost a wasted day (no exercise, bad eating) but I finally went downstairs and did 30 minutes of intervals and 30 minutes of regular cycling. I'm glad I did. This means two weeks in a row of zero skipped workouts. That's something to be proud about. Last edited on 9 January 2009 05:22 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm so exhausted and stressed and avoidant. Any time I start to think about something troubling, bam it's video game time. Or keebler toasted cracker time. I applied online for a job tonight. Even if they call me to say no it'd be nice to know someone acknowledged my existence. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Hey, Ash, sorry to hear you are feeling bummed. Looking for a job is tough, especially with the economy right now. I'll send happy thoughts your way that you will get a call about the job. Video games aren't the worst you could be doing when you are down! Hopefully things will get better soon. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I. Hate. This. House. I am so #%@&!ing sick of the tv being on its loudest setting all god#%@&!ed day so I have to listen to Nancy Grace bitch about this and that, I'm sick of being bitched at for cooking FISH! Like I don't have to smell their mother#%@&!ing BEEF and HAM all the #%@&! time! God forbid someone in this house should eat something healthy. And I'm REALLY #%@&!ign sick of being the only person who knows how to open a god#%@&! door and let the dumbass dog out once in a while or how to wipe his filthy paws when he comes in. I've just had it. I say this every day in my head but it's time I let it out. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Do you feel better? It sounds like it is getting frustrating in all aspects of your life. I hope things get better soon. Nancy Grace, ARGHHHH... so grating and negative! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today's just been one failure after another. I went to eat the rest of my grapes and watermelon and they're moldy and fleshy, respectively. I'm just so frustrated. When I try to do something good for myself, it backfires. I could just go to walmart and replace it but I'm mentally exhausted at this point and I just want to scream. And stifle those screams with mcdonald's. I want nothing more than to tear into a big, juicy chicken strip right about now. And some heavily-salted, slightly limp french fries. God. Craving craving craving. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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OK, Ash, what can you do to get things under control and help yourself feel better? You deserve to do good things for yourself. Don't get discouraged! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okey doke, let's see. Yesterday I had a (very) minor crisis unrelated to food and there was some trouble with lack of insurance and whatnot. You know how dentists are. The past couple days I've been very good during the day but at night, I see that I'm still hungry and I don't have enough calories left to fill myself up. So I abandon my plan and just eat until I'm bursting. I don't want to get into that night-eating stuff anymore, though it's true I feel worse about myself when the bad eating starts around midday. My goal is still to drop 2% of my body fat by my birthday (31 days away!), I just need to keep that on my mind. I don't even know if it's doable. I guess it depends how much weight you need to lose in the first place. My body fat analyzer is in kilograms, so I always have to round up or down a little bit and as a test, I did one round of each and the results were...very different. 0.7%, to be exact. I wonder if I should just drink a lot of water until I don't have to round up so it'll be more accurate. Either way, I measured my thighs yesterday and they're getting smaller. That always makes me happy. My jeans are always tight in the thigh and loose in the butt, so this is my main focus. I have a whole pyramid of things to worry about, taking them one body part at a time. I think I'm gonna start putting garlic and onion powder on everything I eat. It's just awesome. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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What kind of body fat analyzer do you have, is it the scale kind? I got tested on a handheld one once, but really would like the scale kind to better evaluate my progress. I think it's really neat that you are trying to go by reducing body fat instead of lbs because you could be building muscle and not losing weight, but that would still be success~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.11321 This is the cheap little thing I bought. When I use my healthometer scale, it says I have 40% body fat and I don't think that's physically possible. The handheld thing tells me I'm 29% all the time, which seems more likely. I had a Taylor one for a day...it told me 21% :P I got rid of that thing pretty fast. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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It's become pretty obvious that I can't stop binge eating at night. So as of yesterday, I started changing up my workout. The displayed calories show about 215 extra per day if I do this routine instead. I hope it helps me maintain, at the very least...which I know it won't, deep down. My baseline is about 1230 calories per day and my binges vary widely. I typically burn 500 cals a day, but now it's 700+. I don't know. I'm never going to give myself ultimate freedom when it comes to eating (frozen chicken nuggets, fast food, etc) but the damage is still pretty bad when you sit down with a calculator. Today was one of those days where, at 4 pm, I had 300 calories left for the entire day. I had two of everything at snacktime, what a stupid idea. I should have just drank hot water to keep my stomach happy and full and had the chicken for dinner. But I never think ahead. All I care about when I binge is that exact moment. Stupid, selfish little girl. Edit: Tonight's binge was a lot smaller than usual. About 1/2 a bag of cheddar chex mix and a pack of m&ms. I had a sugar-free baskin robbins pralines & cream hard candy and my cravings were pretty much done. I love those things. Last edited on 17 January 2009 02:52 am by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ashley, thanks for the link. I'll check it out. I forgot about those little Baskin-Robbins candies to help my cravings. I love the mint chocolate ones. Have to put those on the grocery list for the week! As for the binging, I hope you get a handle on it. I am struggling with the same thing myself, trying to shake up my eating routine and the timing of my workouts. Hopefully we will each find the right formula soon~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I saw on the site that they have STRAWBERRY candies now, but I think they're not available in sugar-free yet. I can't wait. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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They didn't have the baskin-robbins candies at the grocery store today, but I got werther's SF caramel candies that have like 10 calories each, so I will enjoy that treat this week! Glad you reminded me about those little yummies~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was uneventful. I woke up at 9:30 instead of 11 because the tv was too loud in the other room, so I was a little annoyed. Then around noon when people left I kinda laid around eating a little too much, considering the time of day. Well, no, I didn't, but the fiber one granola bar has chocolate in it so I felt like a fat pig. Who eats chocolate at noon? Then I finally exercised after half an hour of procrastination. I did TWENTY-FIVE miles in one hour. 25.2 to be exact. Then I did 30 minutes of other stuff so I think I'm good. The majority of my day was spent playing video games...lame, I know. My calories were under 1,200 today which is very hard for me to accomplish. There was a lot of binge food around today. For no apparent reason whatsoever, my brother picked up 18 krispy kreme donuts from the store...which I only eat if I'm already in binge mode anyway so I wasn't overly tempted. Then when my mom came home she had a pan of brownies from grandma's house. They're plain, though, nothing special. If they were peanut butter chunk, I would be writing a very bleak blog right now instead of this. My sister brought over a pack of those lofthouse cookies which have green icing on them...and GLITTER SPRINKLES. Did you know such a thing existed? I admit two days ago I ate about six of them (180 cals each, wow) but I haven't touched them since. Those were leftover from my nephew's birthday, and there was also a pack of store-made cupcakes (ew) in chocolate (double ew). Dinner was fresh chicken which I abhor. It seems so much bloodier than frozen for some reason. It didn't cook all the way through, which made me really mad, but hey that's less calories in MY stomach so why complain. I always fall off the wagon around this time of night but I stashed away the cheddar chex mix (I have cheesy mini rice cakes instead if the urge strikes) and I'm watching episodes of DietTribe online. Stacy Kaiser is on this show, which is one reason I watch it. She's been the therapist for a couple seasons of Celeb Fit Club. DietTribe is a silly show, I can't relate to it at all, but I still like watching other people do all that work. Makes me tired, and since I just chugged a vanilla coke zero I need something like this to combat the caffeine before bedtime. Edit: I forgot to mention that yesterday I had dinner for breakfast (tilapia, baked potato, sugar-free hot chocolate) after my workout and it was a really good idea. At 11:45 pm I was still cramming things in my mouth to bring my calorie level up. I think I'll do that from now on. Last edited on 21 January 2009 03:24 am by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Fish for breakfast, huh? Hey, whatever works. I watched that Diettribe a few times after someone else mentioned it here in a journal. I agree it is hard to connect with the people on the show. As for who eats chocolate at noon, welcome to my world haha! No, really, if I could I would eat it all day, starting with those chocolate covered donuts for breakfast. But hmmmm, that's the kind of behavior that got me to be such a chunk again, so I'll skip those donuts just like you did! It's a good thing the cupcakes were the wrong kind, the brownies were plain, etc. No temptations! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Woke up and went to the grocery store. Thought I'd take a pic of my outfit to see what I look like in street clothes to other people. The bone in my lower arm is weird because my arms are very squishy. I haven't been lifting weights lately. I can live with the upper body I guess but I'd love to lose about three inches in my upper thigh area. You can't even tell those pants are a size too big. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I have very stupid thought processes. For one thing, the only way for me to make bad food vanish is by eating it. I don't know why that is. I don't think it stems from the guilt of living in an excessive country. It's more like..."there's only one donut left and if I don't eat it, I won't have had ANY in this whole batch." I don't even like donuts that much, they're pure sugar and virtually no flavor. Then there's the chex mix and the brownies that I could put in the microwave with a glob of peanut butter on top...I need to just be good and go watch Top Chef and drink some warm water. Yeah. DAY THREE OF CLEAN EATING? MAYBE? Edit: nope. When I was shopping today I saw that slimfast bars were $1 each (which is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying a box!) so I bought three. And I....ate all three today. 660 calories of granola. What is that? Honestly, I need to make a list of my greatest weaknesses and avoid them like the plague. All I can think about is how I didn't burn the 720 calories that I was aiming for today and now I've got this on top of it. I can't focus on tv, I can't even watch Top Chef. Just frustrated. I should've brushed my teeth after dinner and quit eating for the day. I am a very ridiculous person. It all started when Carla mentioned that stupid cashew brittle. I wasn't even thinking about eating until that point. But I can't blame someone on tv for my bad choices. So from now on.......I guess no more foods that come in bar form. Last edited on 22 January 2009 03:53 am by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Aww, Ash, don't pick yourself apart. You look very cute and have a nice figure. If there are some small things you want to change, I am sure you can make it happen. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I was depressed and sick of winter so I went and bought a few diet sodas. For some reason they make me think of summer. They're light, you can chug a couple and still bounce around all happy. Or maybe it's because I never went to a football game without one. I miss having friends!!!!!!! God it's lonely in this town. I was in a picture-taking mood today because I had to do my car (don't ask, I'm repressing it). Most people put bedding and clothes in their closet. I hoard food in mine :[ http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/8268/foodstashhv1.jpg I also hoard beverages in liquid form. http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/335/popzx1.jpg Oh. I also got Taylor Swift's new cd as a pick-me-up. Haven't heard anything from it. I've decided it's a gift to myself for when I hit 136 OR for my birthday, whichever comes first. Four pounds in four weeks. But that didn't help my depression! No, of course not. I tried in vain to take a nap and forget all about mcdonald's. All day it's been in my head that I will have mcdonald's today. So I go to the gas station for a $1.19 cappuccino (not sugar-free or fat-free) and to mcd's. I'm an inside person, so I went in. But this old chick cut in line with her two kids, one of which was running around and about to knock into me. So I quietly left and went to walmart to buy equivalent items. I only ate half of my chicken (still a big portion). That's something. I know I need to get right back on my diet.....as soon as this cappuccino is gone. I could dump it down the drain, that's only like throwing away 60 cents. Yeah, I'll do that. So at 5:45 I stopped bingeing. Whoo. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My eating problems have gotten to the point where I no longer sit for half an hour at my computer, staring blankly at the screen and agonizing about the idea of bingeing. I just go straight into it. This is very bad. I need to cut up my walmart card. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think I could have any sort of responsibility whatsoever without abusing it. Actually I should take it out of my purse and put it in my desk. That ought to work for about a week. Tonight's binge was...let's see. 1/4 of a carton of potato wedges from Lee's Chicken. About two tablespoons of ketchup. One bite of haagen dazs black walnut ice cream (it tastes nothing like the stuff at work! ew). One slice of Edward's chocolate silk pie.  I think I'm done eating now. Before the binge my total was like 750 calories. Lately I've been asking myself why I want to binge and it says "because I'm depressed and I need something to boost my spirits, even if it is temporarily." I suppose that's legit. But there are other things. Like cartoons and jigsaw puzzles and A-Teens. Hmm. Maybe I just like the motion of eating. I should figure out how to make slushies out of my sugar-free peach tea. You'd think just stick it in the freezer, but you are so very wrong. That's not how it works at all. And I don't have a snow cone machine or anything like that. Another thing I thought of doing was filling a jug with decaf coffee and refrigerating it. I could pour in some soymilk and nuke it whenever I wanted. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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I hope you get control of the binges and figure out what is driving them. It is one of my biggest struggles too. Try not to get too down about it, because that just contributes to the cycle. When I was young and having a hard time controlling my card use, I would take the card and put it in a glass of water, then freeze it. If you want to use it, you have to go home, get it and let it thaw out. Usually takes care of those impulse purchases but then you will still have the card if you really need it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Does it make me a bad person if I think my sister is a nasty, gigantic worthless slob who needs to fall off the face of the earth? |
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cportwine Distinguished Member 
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No, it doesn't make you a bad person. There are times when I can't stand my sister either. It will pass. Just be careful not to say something to her that you might regret later. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Good advice, CPort. If anyone would have told me that my sister would turn into a close friend when I was a teen, I would have LOL! However, time and distance (read: not living under the same roof!) has really helped us learn to like one another. Hope you get there some day. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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Same here MJ. My sister and I always got along fairly well. But, we never liked each other to well, until we went our separate ways. Now we see each other a couple of times a year and it's much better. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Here's the thing, though. She comes over all the #%@&! time unannounced because she lives four minutes away (before we moved, it was 25. yeah, I'm sad too). She just knows EVERYTHING, she's NEVER WRONG, and how dare you challenge her vast, boundless intelligence? She's 315 pounds, 29 years old, emotionally needy, complains about everyone. It's obviously jealousy because she finds fault when our friends get new tvs or computers that are mysteriously bigger than hers. She lives in a free house that our dad (or, as she lovingly refers to him, "MY DAD") gave to her and doesn't charge her rent. She's on welfare, we pay her phone bill for her, and yet she has a new car every four months. Oh, but our stepsister who lives the same way is poor white trash and a despicable example of a human being, there's no disputing that! Then she drops $200 every week on pizza rolls and other nasty bull at the grocery. I just can't figure her out. Like right now she works as a barista in her vocational school's cafeteria (OMG NUH UH IT'S REAL COLLEGE) and she just explained to me a minute ago how she can make a calorie-free chocolate peppermint mocha every day. Okay. That's why she's so freaking skinny, right? She counts her calories? She uses measuring spoons? Coffee has calories. Peppermint syrup has calories. Milk has calories. She even looked at me with a straight face and said hershey's syrup has no calories. She just drives me nuts. Every time I look at her I lose my mind a little bit more. Thanks for letting me rant a little. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Well, sounds like sis is tremendously unhappy and it spills out on you. I would say kill her with kindness. When she tells you hershey's syrup is calorie-free, say I'll have to try that. Thanks for the tip. Man, if only it was true... |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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lol, good idea Mj! Yea, kill her with kindness. It will send her over the edge, lol. Gee, if that's true about the syrup, then I bet the brownies I ate today are calorie free also, lol |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I am swearing off the following foods forever: Cashews Granola bars Flavored rice cakes Sunflower chips Chex mix Cheerios mix Peanut brittle Chocolate chips Every single time, I binge on them and my day is wasted. I am so sick of wasting my days, months, years. I work out way too hard to eat this #%@&!. Edit: Now my room is free of all those things. Fantastic. Now I have no excuses. I wonder how long it takes before I make up a few dozen. I moved my handweights into my room. Hopefully I'll do something on commercial breaks since I spend so much of my time watching tv. Last edited on 26 January 2009 12:59 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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This morning I woke up around 9:20. Worked out, showered, done with all that around 11:40 when my stepdad and I did the grocery shopping. At first I was mad because my mom could have done it if she'd really wanted to, she was up at 9:20 when I was. I go with her a lot of the time so it's not like she does everything herself. Either way I got out of the house. Didn't eat until around 3:15. I forget why. So of course my blood sugar was very low and no matter what healthy food I ate, it wasn't getting back up. A very thinly-veiled excuse. I ended up eating about 3/4 c ice cream (all that was left) with about 2 tbsp melted peanut butter and maybe 1 1/2 of chocolate syrup. Then I got into the cheddar rice quakes. Why do I even have those? Either way I had about 20 of those. They don't taste like rice cakes at all. They taste suspiciously like corn puffs. I went to the store for junk food, can you believe that #%@&!. I thought I swore off that. Either way all I got was a pint of ice cream and a candy bar. I had about 1/4 of that ice cream and I weighed myself out of curiosity. It said 140.8 so for the rest of the night it's fruit and calorie-free drinks. Like the diet root beer I got for 64 cents. I wonder why I didn't just make egg sandwiches when I started my food fest. That'll be breakfast tomorrow, then. That and some burning-hot coffee. I wonder when I'm just going to accept the fact that I binge every single day. If my workout burned off the binge I wouldn't care, but it doesn't. Does anyone subscribe to Weight Watchers magazine? It's kinda pricey but I like keeping something around the house that I can read and re-center myself with. Edit: Whatever. I ate the whole pint of ice cream. Are you gonna hang me for it? Last edited on 27 January 2009 12:51 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I've been sleeping less and less. 7 hours for me is a very small amount...heh. Today, to the shock of millions, I went out and got a half gallon of ice cream, a pint of another flavor, and baby goldfish crackers. We're supposed to get a foot of snow and I was worried I wouldn't have anything to cheat with and I would start feeling claustrophobic because of it. The binge was 1,078 calories, my rough workout was 1,038. So close. Then I've had 740 cals of healthy food on top of that. Not the best, not the worst.  |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I've been consistently doing at least 730 calories each workout, and I've only skipped 5 workouts so far in January. I think it's making a difference, I don't hit the 142 mark anymore until I've binged and/or drank a lot of water. Tonight's binge was about 80% of a batch of peanut brittle...and a bowl of churned moose tracks ice cream. I'd estimate a cup and a third, so that's 340 calories there. The brittle was a huge amount I don't even want to visualize. The night started as a "one-person sleepover" where I had an enormous cup of diet root beer, tortilla chips, and a few tablespoons out of a new jar of salsa (which I also dislike. Why am I so picky?). What is it about a two-liter bottle that just says "MOVIE NIGHT"? My nephew let me borrow Space Chimps. I still haven't watched it, I got completely off track. Now I'm sitting here like "why peanut brittle? WHY? it's pure Karo!" and drinking a big glass of green tea. I cling to the vain, misguided hope that green tea prevents sugar from being absorbed. The claim was 91% I got that idea from a really old magazine ad about diet tea. It was like "You can enjoy your favorite foods, even sticky buns. But beware, [product name] is not a license to gorge yourself." Of course it's absurd but the power of my mind, I think, has influenced the scale more than a few times. Usually when I was in my "if you don't weigh x, you're not going out with your friends" phase around sophomore year. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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I love peanut brittle. There is no way I could of turned my back on it. So, don't beat yourself up about. Just get back at it. And even though you have a few cheats here and there. It's good that you are getting in some good habits as well. Like the green tea. So, just hang in there. It will get better and better as time goes. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today's activities were marred by the discovery of ice cream in my pillow case. Ice cream. In my pillow case. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I'm always brushing crumbs out of my bed and I know I dropped a tiny bit of ice cream yesterday but I never imagined it was in the open end of my pillow case. I had a mental breakdown when I saw it. It's a wonder I didn't smell it. It had to have been there 20 hours. So now I'm never eating in bed ever again, I'm gonna vacuum my sheets really well, and I'm going to start eating at this desk instead with the monitor turned off. I've always known a big hindrance to my weight loss was my need to have something to eat when watching tv. Well, now that's not an option at all. I'm also becoming very germphobic. I can't even think sometimes when I see that someone's microwaved a hot dog without a plate. I can't even use the microwave until I clean it out. That's just disgusting. Think about it. You innocently put your nice, freshly washed coffee cup in there in the mornings. Where do you put that cup when you're eating? On your lap, if you're juggling something? On your table? What else goes on that table? Bills? Coupons? Then you get to carry around hot dog residue all day! I can't stand it. I really need a job so I can just move out and not have to worry about that stuff anymore. My birthday is in 16 days, and of course, I'm going to try to lose 4 pounds by then. I think I'll go back to exercising in the mornings, then lifting weights in the evenings. I would have to shower again anyway because of the 12 hours that transpire between exercise and sleeping. All righty, let's give that a shot. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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I don't know, sounds like your setting yourself up there. With no eating in front of the tv. I would go at it more slowly. Like only allow good snacks when watching tv or something. But, if you really think you can handle it, then go for it.... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Ashley's guide to life. Please read. Forward if necessary. 1. If you were stupid enough to have children, either leave them at home or stay home with them. Everyone hates kids, especially yours, and no one cares what new accomplishment yours has achieved. 2. Pay your own bills. You're not poor if you can buy a new car. 3. Eat your own food. Cook it at your house. Quit laying on my #%@&!ing couch all afternoon and eating our god#%@&!ed wallets when nightfall comes and we can't eat OUR dinner that WE paid for because YOU don't have the sense to go home and stay there. 4. Don't ever make anyone else babysit. Ever. It's your fault you have a kid, now take care of it yourself. You thought you were grown-up and responsible enough for a child but you're clearly not if you're dumping it off somewhere different every day. 5. Don't grocery shop on weekends. I'm dead serious. Thanks for listening and tune in next week for more genius tips from someone who is easily irritated. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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lol, your cracking me up..... I will definitely be tuning in again. Nice to see I am not the only one who gets annoyed... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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What have I been up to, you ask? (Let's pretend). Lately, I am obsessed with tricking the scale. It happens every time I hit 139 early in the morning after months of being in the mid-140s. So I drink a lot of sparkling fruit water, exercise for only one hour instead of whatever my mind makes up, and I eat about 250 calories during the day. Then, because I've accepted the fact that I binge every single night of my life, I wait for my mom to get home around 8:30 ish. If she brought food, which she only does about five times a year, I go ahead and eat it. If not, I'll have some 'bad' food. Like stovetop popcorn with melted butter, or a pack of break-n-bake cookies. My stepdad's birthday is in two days, so I bought him a Hershey's Pot of Gold chocolate box. I have to try really, really hard not to eat it. I actually had it in my hands this afternoon. But I won that battle, and they're still in my closet. I wonder if wrapping them will make me more reluctant to touch them. So, no Sundays since I started this bender, so I can't tell you if my measurements have been affected. I only know that today after a workout and a shower, I hit 136.6. After my cookies I'm 139.4, though On the bright side, I found a way to avoid the horrible microwave. The bathroom sink gets hot water pretty fast, but the TUB faucet gets it instantly. Hot water, tea, hot chocolate, whatever, all in an instant. Love it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm furious 24/7. I can't help it. I'm too mad to even think. I just want to scream and give up and beat the #%@&! out of someone. I feel like doing something hideously irresponsible and dangerous. I'm so sick of being the quiet little girl who never does anything she's not supposed to, never tells anyone how she really feels. You think I'm a loudmouth on here? Well duh, it's the internet. In real life, I'm the total opposite. Maybe I'm watching too much Malcolm in the Middle, but I just want to be a Reese for like, ten minutes. Last edited on 7 February 2009 01:06 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I don't know what I'm doing different. Yes I do. I've been bingeing all #%@&! day for like, three days straight. And yet, I've lost a few inches. 1.25" off my left thigh, oh my god. I was so happy I wanted to cry. And my hips stayed 39.5, but that's nice considering last time I measured I was dehydrated and sick and today, I'm bloated and full of cookies. I haven't exercised properly since Wednesday, though Thursday night I did 13 mins of weights before my shower. I figured, why not? I gotta shower anyway. I think I'll start doing that from now on, lifting if I didn't work out in the morning. Covered in bruises from stupid injuries. Like opening a wood door at the same split second I lift my knee to go inside. I thought I broke my kneecap. Then I was scraping my car and slid on the solid ice surrounding it. Now the SIDE of my knee is black, too. Then, this is the weirdest. I was laying on the floor, sick from an overdose of sunchips. The cat starts clawing my hair, so I turn my head away and the little tab in my ear gets caught on the corner of my mattress. I mean, for crying out loud! I've made myself a binge form that reads food desired, date and time, situation, and steps I'm going to take at that moment to divert it. Hopefully that'll work. I've always had weblog pages of things I could do instead. I wouldn't mind renting some scary movies. Maybe confront some outlandish fears in the meantime. Like werewolves.... |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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You know what? You should speak your mind.....and often. I do the same thing you do and hold it all in. Well, I say the #%@&! with that....say it! and say it loud.... I like to listen to allot of devia music when in this mood...it gives me strength. I usually do allot of pat benatar, j-low, pink, etc. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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I think you should go for it. Next time when you can say something inappropriate, do it. Just blurt it out and see what happens. I doubt anyone is going to be to upset by it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I either need to get better or straight up get sick, this is ridiculous. I almost always have little twinges of nausea in my stomach and my lower digestive tract seems to be on constant standby. Today I was in Big Lots and I broke out into a sweat all of a sudden. I don't know what the temp is but I wore jeans and a thin t-shirt, some other people had jackets here and there. Then when I was about to check out at walmart 20 minutes later, I started feeling like I was gonna spew all over the bag of catfood in my cart. So I hustled over to the register and remembered I parked my car really far away "because it's a nice day, and it's a small amount of exercise." Gosh. I've noticed that these situations get worse when you drink powerade zero. You think they'd get a teeeeny bit better, but I guess not. I'd like to blame the produce I got at walmart. The lettuce, apples, and bananas taste weird. That's what I get for passing up cookies though, isn't it? Birthday's in two days. Kill me now. Today was me trying in vain to spend the $50 my dad gave me. Can you believe it? I couldn't find anything in Kohl's I wanted, $5 of stuff at biglots, and $12 of household stuff at walmart. So I put it on my walmart card, I know I'll use the cash somewhere. Probably Wendy's or McDonald's. I don't know about you guys, but after a chicken nugget kid's meal and a diet coke I was stuffed for three hours. I really miss chicken selects, though :( I'm always like $1 short when I want them, and the groceries around here don't sell edible strips. I guess one good thing is coming out of this. I'm no longer eating massive amounts at night. I do get a good amount of calorie-dense small snacks in the afternoon, though...like Lindt truffles...which I should have bought today, because the bag I ate was my stepdad's.... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I made myself a beautiful nutrigrain waffle with calorie-free butter spray and calorie-free maple syrup. It was all warm and toasty and I retreated into my room to eat it. So what do I do? I dropped it on the mother #%@&!ing FLOOR! I'm considering having my hands cut off, since they can't do their job properly. |
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cportwine Distinguished Member
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LOLOLOLOL, oh my god......that was so funny...  |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Old news, but I still hate my sister. So I wrote her a letter she'll never see! I am just so fed up with you being so condescending. Guess what? You're 310 pounds, 30 years old, and in COMMUNITY COLLEGE. You're not hot sh1t. #%@&!ing go home and cook your own food. I am so sick of you bitching about being so poor and how we have to pay your bills and you're on welfare and you're always brooooke. Well guess what? You spent $50 at walmart today on food, so how broke can you #%@&!ing BE? I'm so OVER how you hang around our house every day expecting to be fed. You know what you need? To stop eating. For five months. Don't ever sit there and try to explain calories and glycemic index to me until you've dropped down to at least 150 pounds, you worthless sack of #%@&!. You aren't losing weight, your jeans are #%@&!ing spandex. Just the act of you sitting down stretches them out considerably. So please, quit pulling out the back of your waistband in direct proximity to me, because no one wants to see a single inch of your disgusting flabby skin. Please move to Colorado like you said you were going to...three years ago. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today's my first full day as a 20 year old. Well, technically that ended at 12:35 pm. My mom had a grocery list and she doesn't exactly love shopping so I did it for her. I got all her stuff and for myself I got 70-cal wheat bread that I loooove, rainbow chips deluxe cookies, lightly salted sunflower chips, and butter-kettle microwave popcorn. Not the healthiest food but I've been craving it. I got home and pretty much started stuffing it all in my face like I was trying to hide the evidence or something. I've been trying to gulp down some raspberry lemonade because it makes my stomach kinda full and sore, which ought to discourage all sugar ingestion. It's 5 cals a glass, so I'm pretty free with it. I weigh myself and I see the 6 turn into a 9 and I think, "at least it's not 140" but sometimes it's been a fifth of a pound away from that. I got two new albums recently, I'll try to listen to them while...dun dun dun...working out tomorrow. I skipped 12 days in a row. Yeesh. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, good luck getting back into your exercise routine. I have been fighting the binge issue lately too, but not doing so well, so I don't really have any advice on that part of it. Just keep being aware, I guess, and trying to derail those bingy feelings when they start. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My body fat went down 0.3% this week, and my measurements are the same. I've been eating whatever I wanted! No working out since Feb 4th! My god, you don't suppose I have diabetes, do you? I'm really dehydrated, according to the texture of my lips, but I don't really have a thirst, per se. In fact, I only drink like two cups of water a day if I don't sit down and make myself. And you know, I've been awfully sedentary the past week. I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series, so that's laying in bed for several hours a day. I noticed I spend very, very little time in front of computer and tv screens when I'm in the reading zone. I turn the tv on to eat dinner and I log on once every couple days if I feel like it. I know I need to start exercising again. Maybe I'll just do half an hour of varied-level resistance training on my bike until I get used to it again. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I hit 143.0 tonight. I'm so freaking embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I have a mind to put on all my tight clothes and take pics, but then they'll be stretched out and they won't fit right if I do lose the weight. I'm gonna wake up, immediately have two cups of water, and when my mom leaves for work I'll go back to working out. I always say that but 143? That's ridiculous. I was 136.8 two weeks ago. It's freaking MID-MARCH. What happened to "December 31st is my last day of living like a trashy pig"? What happened to "20th birthday = start of something new"? God. I make me sick. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I wasn't sure whether that big gain was just water weight or fat, but it turned out to be water. I woke up 139.8. WORKED OUT (yeah, I know!) and had a Healthy Choice for breakfast. I wanted fish but I didn't have any thawed, this was the closest thing. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that their barbecue sauce doesn't taste like death, like some potato chips do. So that was adequate. The side mirror on my car got knocked off in OCTOBER and I am STILL waiting for a way to fix it. I've tried doing it myself but I can't find the plug to just buy a whole new unit. Gorilla glue is a no-go. I forgot to look for epoxy at walmart, which I just came back from an hour ago. I just feel like trash driving around in a car like that. The crater in the side from god-knows-what, the smashed headlight from the stop sign (long story) and now my freaking mirror. It's just everything all at once. And my car makes rumbling noises now, it used to be virtually silent. It's an old car and when I get a freaking JOB I'm going to buy a new freaking car first thing. I have savings for food and everything else I could need. I haven't used the internet in a while because I was busy reading for a week and when I got back on I had a #%@&! virus. It ruined my internet but in the end I got rid of it, so here I am. I guess we're all caught-up now. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My car mirror's fixed and I worked out for the third morning in a row today. I had some generic doritos with salsa, which I figured was 340 calories. That'll be today's indulgence. Chicken for dinner, that can't be bad. I'm craving pepper and garlic powder. I applied for a job at Cedar Point, which is a freaking dream job for me. I'd have to move three hours a way for a few months but that's just fine with me. Give me a taste of what it's like to live on my own. Well, away from home at least. I've been hoarding things 'for when I move out' and I didn't have the heart to put them back. If I get this job, it'll pay off. Matching toothpaste and mouthwash makes everyone happy. I had an idea to make breakfast sandwiches for dinner. I'll definitely have to wait now that I've had all that cheese and oil. They'll each consist of a slice of diet bread, half an egg, and one strip of bacon cut into halves. For both it would be 210 calories—and you get BACON! Hello! Calorie-wise I don't see a reason to refuse it if you only have it like once a month anyway. And as for cholesterol and sodium, read an egg carton ): For some reason I bought turkey bacon for a couple months and it's not worth it if we rarely eat it and my family doesn't like it. Slow days like this on the weekends make me want to get out and do something. But when they're cloudy on top of all that, like today, I want to swing by Kroger for a pint of ice cream and rent tv shows on dvd. But the movie rental place shut down and I have diet ice cream I could be eating right here in the freezer.... Edit: a lot of my measurements went up. The important ones, mostly. I don't know what I'm doing! A couple measurements are the highest they've ever been (while I recorded them, obviously). I'll give it a couple weeks of exercise plus whatever food, though I will make a conscious effort to resist. But we all know how well that works at the best of times. Last edited on 16 March 2009 05:12 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I was kinda productive. Woke up, worked out, showered, dusted my furniture, vacuumed the carpet, cleaned the litter box, took out the trash, took my name off the capital one mailing list. I should have done more because I ended up eating bad food anyway. I resisted an iced cupcake earlier. Then I had like, three servings of dry lucky charms and two in a bowl with soymilk. And three frozen fish portions and a heap of fries. BUT. Now I'm having a bunch of diet pepsi so I can at least counteract the salt bloat. Still, fourth workout in a row, eh? Not bad. I'd love to finish out the month. I should buy some latex gloves next time I see them (which is often...ever since dissection in bio2, I see them everywhere) so I can put on some lotion and heal my hands. They seriously loo like a 90 year old's. Not MY grandma's, though she probably uses some secret designer stuff from France. The sky blue polish makes them look a little younger though. I took a picture of my neck to see whether I had a new mole, since the mirror didn't help. I realized I have a combination of puffed-out cheeks and crazy cheekbones. I'm also one of those people who can NEVER get a picture showing what they see in the mirror. I don't know what it is. But this one comes close. http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/5048/notbadh.jpg |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Tuesday I was a good girl, I ate 1,200 calories and no more. Wednesday I was bad. I had popcorn, a frosted cupcake, a few handfuls of peanut butter pretzels, a lot of cheese and caramel rice cakes, and a medium fry from Mcdonald's. Today I woke up at 5:45 am because of the dog. I put him out and he wouldn't come in until nearly 8. Finally got back to bed. Woke up momentarily a few times and finally got up at 3:15. Yeesh. Worked out, showered, made my usual breakfast. I don't think it would kill me to make the mixed fruit portion the night before. So far I've had 641 calories and since it's 8:30, I'm not sure how many I'll have total. Last edited on 20 March 2009 07:50 pm by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Don't tell anyone, but I spent $10 on binge food at Aldi. I'm done with it now, though. Still a billion calories. I need to have some goals or something to look forward to. Now—April 1st: lose 5 pounds of salt bloat and water weight. April 18th: fit into my black work pants in case they call me to go back to work. May 16th: fit into size 29 boys shorts for Cedar Point. I think they're very reasonable goals. And in case that pair of jeans at Kohl's ever goes on clearance, I tried them on today so I know what size (11!!!) Hopefully it'll be another three years. I saw a girl at school wearing them and I searched ebay for months and months and finally found them at Goody's and then Kohl's. I doubt they'll ever stop selling them. I need to lose weight in my upper thighs and my butt needs to stop being droopy. About the shorts...I used to wear a 29 comfortably and when I put some on today I had to put them at the tiniest part of my waist which of course caused certain lines at my crotch area. I can't believe how much weight I've put on. I can't believe I freaking binged with my cash. That was supposed to be gas money. I pulled into the gas station but I did it the wrong way and I just got embarrassed and left. Maybe I'll do it later tonight when it's deserted. Tonight I stuffed four green tea bags into a 1Q water bottle and poured in hot water. I plan to drink all four cups tonight because of the horror that was this evening. Ooh, I just noticed on my calendar—today was day eight of consecutive workouts! Hooray. And two of those days also got a blue dot meaning I didn't go over 1,200 calories. I should plan out menus...the less excuses I have, the less opportunities I have to slip up. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My wallet is now empty of cash, my brother put gas in my car, my walmart card is living under my post-it dispenser in my desk, and all my change is in my piggy bank. I feel so freaking sick. I knew I would, part of it is intentional. First, I ate whatever I wanted this afternoon. I made a dozen diet cookies (no flour/sugar). They weren't that good. I had more chips from yesterday and some french toast sticks. Then dinner was Lee's chicken. But enough is enough. I have a headache, I look six months pregnant, and I feel like puking. I've been drinking a quart of green tea but that wasn't exactly smart. Weigh-in is tomorrow night...what was I thinking? Speaking of which, I'm now gonna post my stats on here in addition to my private LiveJournal. And probably pics. This is more for my own humiliation than anything and any other outcome regarding other members of this board is entirely coincidental. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Hey, Ash, you snuck back on here when I wasn't looking! Sorry to hear things have gotten out of control for you. I hope you can get back to being focused and get to the weight you want to be. I too ate some junk today, knowing full well I plan to weigh in tomorrow... eating oreos and ice cream the day before is definitely not productive! Actually, I checked the scale earlier today and wish I would have used that weigh-in but that wouldn't be honest... guess I'll have to suck it up and accept either no loss or even a gain this week instead of the loss I thought I would have... Your pic is cute. I take the worst pics ever, sometimes I am thinking WHAT? I was there, that's not how I looked at all... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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NERVOUS! This morning the advertiser had the ad for the ice cream place I worked at. First applications are tomorrow morning so I'm going first thing when I wake up. I wonder why they didn't call me but there's no point worrying. My first thought when I hung up (my stepsister called me, I never read the advertiser so I wouldn't have known) was worry about my PANTS! The black ones I bought last year do NOT fit and I have two khakis, one 9 and one 11. The only pants that fit out of my four are the black ones from Christmas Eve, and I could still stand to lose a few since we tuck in our shirts. Mannnn. Grapefruit dessert, anyone? |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Before I binge, I do think about work and seeing people I haven't in 5 months...but I keep forgetting my PANTS! I always felt they were obscenely tight and that men were staring at me, but I have pretty bad paranoia at times so I'll discredit that idea. I'm making a habit of doing a fruit salad at night with all the calories and everything posted in a notepad so I can grab it without a single worry in the morning. My mom's leaving at 6 am tomorrow for...I think two weeks? Definitely one week at the least. That means I get to do dishes and take care of the dog in the morning and keep the kitchen semi-clean. I'm kind of excited to do it. I'm buying another one of those scrubbers with the dish soap right in the handle (we go through those like no one's business) and I dug out my chamois cloth so I can hopefully clean the fridge inside and out and the outer surface of the stove. We have that clorox surface spray that's safe for food and pet contact, I always want to use it on the countertops but they're covered in crumbs and mystery substances and...yeah. But if I get it clean tomorrow morning and keep it that way, we should be fine. By some mistake we have five dozen eggs, plenty of coffee and filters, a whole bag of nuggets, fresh bananas...I can't think of anything I'd need to grab at the grocery for me or my brother. I suspect we'll do mostly fast food dinners or pasta roni since I can't cook and we don't really talk, let alone cook for each other. I also had a complete DUH moment tonight. I was digging in my closet for a new purse since my current one is a huge frustration and when I opened the suitcase, all my summer clothes were right there. I'd been wondering for two weeks where all my t-shirts went! Yeah, that's me sometimes. I doubt any fit. I should sell some of it on ebay. Now that I have a scale I can have a pretty good idea of postage cost before I get it shipped. This morning I had a yogurt for breakfast, then went to the store to get more since it was my last one. I've been obsessing over Milky Way bars so I finally got one and ate it. I forget what else I had. Anyway, today was just food after food. But I exercised after the candy bar and it was just amazing. I did 26.3 miles and it said I burned 554 calories. My usual result is around 24.1 miles and 505 calories, so you can see what a difference today was. Am I the only person who pretends they're acting when they work out mostly to distract themselves? I like to pretend I'm a cop who has to be in good shape, chasing after people and such, and that on my breaks I have treadmill races with people. Umm....that might have been tmi. Or just plain embarrassing. But it works! You can tell yourself "I'm doing good, but [I've done/they're doing] better!" and you kick it up a notch. All that aside, I easily ate 3,000 calories today  |
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mj36 Senior Member
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I LOVE the idea of acting while working out. Maybe next time I go for a run, I will pretend to be a Baywatch Babe running down the beach... minus the perfect body, hair and tan of course! Did you go down to the ice cream place? Hopefully they will have a job for you! Sorry to hear about your pants, but if you keep working out, I bet you can get back into them before it gets nice enough for the ice cream season! Hope the kitchen sparkles~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Hmm. The summer clothes came out today, which means the measuring tape did too. I make a note of the measurements of the clothes, then every week I can check my own and see if any new clothes fit. Ha, right? Anyway I also dragged out my swimsuit I've had for my third year now. The sun was really bright today, so blessing and curse. http://img183.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=tankinifront.jpg BLAH just awful. I got rid of those stupid brownie-cookie bars today. That's a thousand calories I can't possibly eat tomorrow. Also, I'm back to logging my calorie balance. It's terrible to know, but even worse to ignore. Example: Thur Mar 26th In: 2,584 Out: 533 Balance: +851 I take my rough RMR of 1,200 and subtract it from my intake, then subtract my output from that. I'd love to have a deficit of 700 everyday but I'm not sure I'm the right person for the job. If I don't eat anything else today and burn off 500 cals, I'd only have a deficit of 84. Curse my snacking habit! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Agghhh where did all my calories go? I check my wordpad and suddenly it's 891 and I...am confused. I had my usual breakfast, a small lunch...gah. I made reduced-cal oatmeal cookies today. They're bland, floury, dry on the outside. I think I'll pitch them. I'll have to try really hard not to eat the refrigerated leftover dough. Or the frozen dough when I defrost it. I don't feel like exercising at the moment. I saw an infomercial for something called The Wave from the company The Firm and it looked so freaking awesome, and it was cheap too, like $60 before shipping. I couldn't see a single payment method on the screen during the whole half-hour, but I assumed they wouldn't take money orders anyway. And let's face it, everything has awful problems. Nothing on earth ever works how it should. I googled and apparently some come with sharp edges and they creak when they're used. Anything that creaks makes me POd. Seriously. So I suppose I'm glad I didn't buy it. It just looked so perfect. Cardio, optional weights, muscles all over the models. Of course, models are models, but I'm still in the denial stage where I think "I'm not THAT fat, I only need to lose a few. I bet I could be skinny in a month" which couldn't be farther from the truth. Sigh. Today my stepdad came home and informed me my mom was coming home...THIS SUNDAY. Not NEXT SUNDAY. God. I need to learn to listen. But that's pressure off my shoulders. No meal planning...I guess that's it. I do her grocery shopping sometimes and I'll do dishes so long as she doesn't break the soap-inside scrubber. I bought two just to be safe. So, at........holy cow, it's only 4:32? That's ridiculous. It feels like 6:50. I did wake up at 7 to take care of the dog but I was back in bed by 8:30! I slept 'til 11 I think. I cleaned like a madwoman. I even combed the dog. And it's only 4:30. Suffocating feeling...suffocating feeling.... I think I will sell all my clothes on ebay. I'm freaking fat and I just need to accept that they'll never fit because dietary change is too hard for me. I can easily eat perfectly all day but it seems like I can't get through a day without a binge. I just can't. It's awful. |
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zenobia Moderator
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ok, you are not that fat and you know it. in a month, you could make a lot of progress. i know how rough it is to stop binging, but you can do it if you decide that you absolutely positively will not binge. plan your meals for the day and stick to it completely. everytime you say "no" to that cookie or whatever, it gets easier. make it three days and it's tons easier. just three days and you will see... you've got a great shape to go by. you look pretty proportionate- a month will bring you lots of improvement. just give it a month and you will see. for me right now, i know a month won't bring me to where i want to be, but i can certainly be 5-10 lbs closer... it's better than where i am now, right? |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, I am so glad I stopped to check on you, because I too really needed to hear what Zen had to say about binging... so, let's both try to take that advice and move forward! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm not entirely sure why but today's been fun. Stormy, rainy, windy, those things don't usually end up with me doing a happy dance every now and then. For one thing, I feel lighter and thinner, probably because I haven't gorged. As of 6:40 I've had 741 calories. Part of those came from a delightful cereal called Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches. It's been sitting in the cupboard for months now and I found it while digging for pancake syrup (didn't eat, don't worry). It's 120 calories for 3/4 cup but it's so good that it's hard to care about 30 extra calories. My early evening meal was a healthy choice entree with turkey medallions, mixed vegetables, cranberry sauce, and apple crisp. Their crisp is 80% syrup, 10% oats, 10% apples so I diced half a fresh apple and mixed it in. I was shocked to find out the cranberry sauce was good. I have a vendetta against them because of the constant antioxidant stuff you see on tv and read about. While at the store (grabbing my stepdad stuff for the road) I found walmart brand frozen pre-cooked chicken breasts. They're pretty cheap, 66 cents each when you work it out, and higher in calories than the label says but not by that much. What a time- and money-saver. If the flavor's not perfect, whatever, throw some onion powder on it, right? I had some from walmart a few years ago and they looked like charred roadkill with skin-like stuff hanging off. Sure, the ingredient list is a mile long, but I really don't buy that whole 'additives are satan' stuff. If I just need a quick meal or want to save $3 over a drive-through grilled chicken sandwich, this is a pretty good option. Because really, fast-food is loaded with the same stuff anyway. I also picked him up a box of swiss cake rolls. I felt bad, in a good way. I only eat those when deliberately stuffing myself to the point of oblivion anyway. Haven't worked out yet. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore (KNOCK ON WOOD) so I'm not worried about when it'll happen. Last night I emerged from the basement at 10:45, for instance. Oh, forgot to mention. I bought those gloves a few days ago. No results yet but since I have another 100 pair to go through, we'll see. Last edited on 30 March 2009 12:26 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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All day I've been just thinking "chocolate, crunchy, chocolate, crunchy". I googled sugar-free Moose Munch for about 25 minutes, then I searched around for some weirdo who might have a big box of assorted candy bars. Found one. Well, technically it's a case of hershey bars for a fundraiser. It had all my favorites in it. I seriously considered it. $52 for $52 bars. But I didn't. Instead, I went to walgreens and spent $18.75 on cashews, cookies, poppycock, king sizes of: milky way, twix, kit kat; about five cadbury eggs. My favorite is the vanilla-chocolate creme mixed. I found 6-pack boxes of FullBars too. $1.99 each box! Seriously, it is like getting a box for the price of a bar. I might end up selling them on ebay. But if they work...if they work, I will go back for more. End of story. I wonder why I freaking did that. I think I have a problem : / But then again, what's cheaper? A weekly $20 binge or a weekly $75 therapist appointment? Last edited on 30 March 2009 11:52 pm by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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I think the therapist is cheaper! because you will only go for a short while and then be fine, but the binges will last forever if you don't deal with it! Was that a trick question?? Seriously, I do understand how you feel about getting all that stuff, just knowing you are going to binge. I don't do that as much anymore, but I will search the house trying to find something to make a binge out of- whether it is baking chips, chocolate cereal, or even chocolate covered granola bars that are supposed to be for my son after track practice... I hope you can resist the urge to eat lots of what you got. Try to portion it out and have it as a treat each day. That way, you can still enjoy it, just over an extended period of time. |
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zenobia Moderator
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lol- i think the full bar thing was a mistake on walgreens part. we just got those in and are selling them individually. total score for you, man! and i'm all for the therapist idea, too. no doubt. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okay okay okay my old manager just called and I'm re-hired. The employee meeting is April 14th so I've got a while to lose the weight and get into my uniform pants. Yay! Now I have a real goal deadline and a load of stress off my shoulders. This calls for some Taylor Swift music. Also I'm donating blood today, and every time I do my reaction gets a little worse. I'll try to exercise this evening but you know how that goes. If I do, it'll be day 19 in a row. Edit: I knew it. My good luck couldn't last two seconds. I couldn't find the mother#%@&!ing place to donate blood. I was all over town. I should have known something was up when the map on the website couldn't even find it. So I said "whatever, I'm out of the house, I think I'll go get gas." That, for once in my life, turned out just fine. I pulled up at the right side, my car was facing the right direction, and I had a credit card so no embarrassing money shortage. I thought of going to Kohl's and picking out a new pair of jeans since it's pretty likely I'm going to be this size 'til the day I die, but instead I went to the grocery. Strawberries and potatoes were really cheap on sale AND the ad had coupons in it. So I got the produce and also some little pork tenderloin things and ElFudge cookies. I don't know if I'll eat them, I have them tied away in my bag full of the contraband from last night I'm trying to parcel out. A lesson in self-control, you know. Bad food is never going to vanish so the best thing to do is learn to co-exist peacefully. Did I mention I won one of 25 pairs of advance movie screening passes? Yeah. I thought that was cool too. Until I got upstairs and spent 50 minutes crying and throwing a fit at the printer because it wouldn't work. I've never yet encountered an item requiring an electrical socket that worked correctly for me. But I finally get it printed out and then it turns out my brother doesn't even WANT the stupid things, let alone drive to Columbus to pick them up. Why do I even try? Why? I swear I am never doing anything to ever help anyone else again. Ever. Last edited on 31 March 2009 08:21 pm by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Hey, Ash, sorry to hear the world is crashing in on you a little bit right now. At least you got rehired which means $ coming in again! Plus, getting back into those pants will be a good motivator! Sorry to hear your brother wasn't able to appreciate that you were trying to do something nice for him. Brothers can be like that... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okay, finally a day without a mini-meltdown. I did have 11 EL Fudge cookies but I was cool about it, I didn't get all angry and glare at my reflection for five minutes. I chugged two hot green teas and took a three hour nap. I got up, did 90 minutes of cardio, and burned off 815 of my 1,347 calorie binge (I had other stuff besides the cookies). So I'm feeling fine, I was 19 calories under once you factor in RMR. Now it's time for dinner. I had a nectarine and a fullbar. Hopefully when my mom gets home in around half an hour I'll be able to eat something small if I eat at all. I thought since the fullbars were so cheap I would try them. As I wrote to myself in my private world, "170 calories is a heck of a lot better than a thousand or more." Even if I end up eating healthy all day and the bars carry me over my limit, I'll just lose weight a little more slowly instead of maintaining/gaining. So. To business. The employee orientation meeting is on the 14th and my first day working is the 27th. Please, please let my pants fit... |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, I have the same problem with cookies... ate a whole box of girlscout cookies last night... some people just don't understand how it feels to eat oneself sick... has nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with emotions!! Seems like we are in the same boat. Hopefully we can both learn to control the emotions which control the eating... and then our pants will fit again!! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Ah, GSCs. My philosophy on those is, if you have to eat a whole box, choose Tagalongs because you don't get very many :P I estimate I had three boxes this season and perhaps a box of Trefoils. Edit: You know, every time I binge on sunflower chips, I wonder why I don't just throw them away. So I do and then I think "why did I do that?! I have to have something crunchy!" I need something to fulfill that need. I wonder if there's a household object I can chew on that won't ruin my teeth... Second edit: We were all full by the time our dinner was cooked. But we stomached some down and commisserated on the fact that we eat too much during the day. My brother said he'd gained 30 pounds since graduating high school (class of '03) but I kind of laughed inwardly because at my highest, I had gained over 15 pounds since we moved on Feb 15th 2008. I've lost three of those pounds, heh. It kind of makes me sick that when we moved here I was around 133, maybe 131 in the morning and my goal was 120. How could I have let myself slide so much? Maybe I'll go back to my old ten mini-blogs a day on the social networking site, private of course, and not even bothering to look around for similar users. The site I'm using now is good in some ways, not so great in others. OH, CSI TIME! Last edited on 3 April 2009 02:00 am by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, I ate the Samoas or Caramel delites or whatever they are calling them these days... 15 cookies... better than eating thin mints, right? I have been giving the tagalongs to my teenage son who is 5'8" or so and weighs maybe 130... let him eat the cookies! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Sooo the 4th and 5th of April did not include binges. Two days in a row, then I blew it today for food I wasn't even salivating over. Hmm. I didn't try any of my little tricks to prevent it, either. Just in a lame mood today On the other hand, I only weighed 142.2 when I was done! I'm sure it'll go up a little more in the next few hours and down again by the time tomorrow rolls around. I think tomorrow I'll go to Kohl's to check out some clothes I saw on the website and see what size I am in them. It's a good thing I'm so picky about clothes, otherwise I would have five closets full. I drop money like no one's business on the stupidest things. Like today, I spent $38 on 120 Fiber One bars. I think I'll resell them. Does anyone who reads this want a few? Or a lot?  |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, you are such a little entrepreneur! I am sure you will sell those bars in no time! I hate it when I binge without even trying my little tricks (gum chewing, exercising instead, drinking water, getting on this site) because it feels like just giving in... hopefully next time will be better for you and you will try a few of the tricks. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Since I use a ten-second timer when I take pics of myself, I usually just set the camera wherever's closest and go to my little corner. Today I set it on my cat's condo and I got two shots of my lower body...ankles included. I was always terrified I had cankles because it sure looks like I do in the mirror. I'd love to just blame the angle. So now I have these two new long-shots and two where the camera is closer to the floor. http://img513.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=pose.jpg I'm glad to report they are nowhere near as bad as I thought they were, though they still need work. My lower quads spilling over my my knees just annoys me to no end but whatever, one day at a time. I suppose the point of this post is that nothing is quite as bad as it appears. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Third day this week that I didn't go over my calorie limit. I'm happyyyy. My goal for now is 4 days a week and slowly work my way up until it's 6. I'll be very happy if I can make it to the "one meal per week doesn't affect your weight" thing. True or not, it's a wonderful concept. By the way, did you know PB2 makes CHOCOLATE too? So now I can throw away that nasty chocolate syrup. If I want a reese sundae, just a scoop of that will be fine. That'll even save me more regular pb2 for sandwiches. Oh, happy. Except the price tag. But I'm in one of those moods where I just don't care. The jars really do last for freaking ever. A jar of normal, store-bought peanut butter costs more than a gallon of gas anyway. Might as well have the good stuff, right? |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Yesterday was day four without a binge. Today will hopefully be day five. I'm slightly apprehensive. Since tomorrow's easter, the 'goody pile' is getting a little bigger. I have Take 5 bars, pillsbury bunny cookies, hershey bliss eggs, peanut brittle (surprise from my mom), pretzels, black raspberry chocolate chunk ice cream, sugar-free fat-free chocolate pudding, and sunflower chips. I'm determined to eat just a little bit at a time. I've been telling myself I'm allowed to have 1,450 calories because that's what I started out with last year when I started 'really' dieting and making healthier choices and it worked fine. I barely went over. And yet I haven't gone much over 1,200 which is good because it's my 'real' daily goal. I'm staying home for easter, by the way. Everyone else is going to my sister's and I'm gonna curl up with a Healthy Choice meal and a small pretzel sundae. Maybe get some extra exercise in. I think my bikes need a tune-up, they've been displaying more calories burned than usual. Oh! I won a lot of clothes on ebay this afternoon I'm so excited about. They're size large t-shirts and size 11 bottoms, they should fit me right this moment. And they're so cute, they're even my style. Sometimes I let that slide because I just want a lot of cheap clothes that fit. So it was two tees and 5 capris and 1 pair of shorts for like $13.50. Finally I won't have to wear the same two outfits when I run errands or go shopping. I think I might be happy enough to start wearing perfume again...I do have 16 bottles of it, after all ( ).Hope everyone can resist overdoing it on the sweets and fats tomorrow. Just remember, in a couple days you're going to want some of that chocolate and wish it hadn't all been devoured in one afternoon! At least, that's how my holidays turn out Edit: I did binge today. Darnit. I threw away the goodies though. Except the pretzels, those are fine. The ice cream was 99 cents after a coupon so I don't feel guilty. Same with the sunchips, actually. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and thought "oh yeah, you're gonna look fabulous at your work meeting on Tuesday!" I look 7 months pregnant again. I wonder why I don't think about those things while I'm bingeing. I should go make a post about "what you're forgetting" next to my "please don't binge" one. Last edited on 12 April 2009 12:44 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Everyone was at my sister's today for Easter so I thought I'd do a little cleaning and work out extra (I had peanut brittle and four easter cookies for breakfast...d'oh!) and I thought "what a lovely time to sing out loud to myself!" So I'm halfway through an Ace of Base song and I glance up the stairs, because that's where the bike is pointed, and I see A PANT LEG! God. I have no idea how long they were listening to me. They said they'd "just got home" but that could mean anything. I mean god, I didn't even notice them bringing the dog inside! I thought I heard his toy squeak....Well, lesson learned. Lip-synching is the best thing to do in every situation. Oh! I also made my own poptarts today. I tried to watch my mom make pie crust from scratch this morning but I was distracted by something or other. So instead I found a tube of what I thought were crescent rolls, but it's like pizza crust all rolled up...anyway, I rolled it flatter to make the serving size 8 instead of 6, cut it up, and put a teaspoon of calorie-free fruit syrup in the middle and folded them over into pockets. They turned out pretty good, baked only 6 minutes then dusted with sweet n low. They're 94 1/2 calories each, which is my favorite part. And they're made with pillsbury dough, so you get the good flavor you really want. I'll try it with generic, which is always lower in cals, and then eventually make my own crust somehow. But this will do for a little experiment. I made strawberry and blueberry. I've tried the blue and it's great. The syrup got absorbed into the crust so if the gooey filling in a real poptart is your favorite part, I don't think you'd be too happy with these. They turned out cute, though.  Last edited on 13 April 2009 01:38 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My stepdad went to the doctor again this morning and it turns out he's pre-diabetic and he has to test his blood sugar and everything. I feel freaking awful because this would be a good opportunity to help him out and reinforce my own ideas about healthy eating, less excuses to eat #%@&!, but I just feel like I'm about to break again. I want the filling, bad, salty, fried foods. But now I can't even eat a freaking fiber plus bar in front of him without feeling terrible. They told him stuff like 15 carbs per snack, only half a banana every 12 hours, the carbs are the problem and not JUST the sugar carbs...it's all so weird. I don't know what to do except share my love of sugar-free desserts and drinks. Maybe when he goes up for a nap I'll steal the folder they gave him and try to memorize it all. And I suppose I might as well confess that I've been trying to lose weight for someone I haven't seen in six months and will be seeing again very, very shortly. But it doesn't matter, they have zero interest in me and that's how it will stay. But when I have realizations like that, ALL my reasons for losing weight go out the window, not just the vanity ones. I got my chocolate pb2 today. I'll have to try it later. |
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zenobia Moderator
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calorie free syrup? where do you get such things? and your little poptarts totally made me want cream cheese wantons. yum! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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The syrups are from Walden Farms, and a few chain groceries are starting to carry them now. The meeting today was kinda disappointing because I only recognized like four people. Three people I hoped would be there weren't, which sucks. But hey, a whole batch of new people to meet. Hopefully I'll make an outside-of-work friend for once in my life. I need to go buy more work pants. For one thing, they have to be what I refer to as chinos, meaning slit back pockets. Plus, my regular ones don't fit and I really don't think I'm ever going to lose a single pound so long as I live. I'll just go shopping tomorrow, it's a rainy #%@&! night and one of my headlights is out anyway. My luck I'd get pulled over even though I can't tell you how many one-lighters I see on a daily basis. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Not a lot going on. Talking to someone from work online. Maybe I'll make a friend who wants to hang out in person like I used to have. I got my clothes from ebay this morning. Did I write about those? No, it appears I did not. Well, I found a lot of two t-shirts, five pairs of bermuda shorts, and one pair of regular shorts for like $13.95. They're all too big! JUST big enough to sit low on my hips and do the love-handle thing, you know? The shirts are okay. I wore one of the outfits to the grocery today when I ran out and bought something I shouldn't have. So pretty much I bought all those clothes for nothing. In other clothing news, I was at four stores yesterday and couldn't find a single pair of pants that aren't saggy and baggy on the butt area. I don't know where the teens I work with buy theirs but they sit right where they should and their butts look normal (yes, I checked). I'm kind of mad. If I get invited to the mall this weekend I'll have to go and hope I find something despite who I'd be doing the shopping with. I start work on the 28th. Got pushed back a day. That should be enough time. I've been doing something very bad lately, too. I figure I should get it off my chest. Sometimes I end up having a binge around early evening, late afternoon and I go work it off. But then I get all showered and eat again. It's like........am I just not paying attention to the work I'm doing? I'm just stupid. But enough of that, I'm making myself feel bad when I haven't done anything wrong today. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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OK, Ash, no beating yourself up. You have lots of sadness lately I've noticed. Sounds like you are feeling lonely with nobody to hang out with outside the computer, and somehow some worthless boy has made you feel bad about yourself too, even though he's probably not even worth it! Stop bashing yourself. Do a happy dance because those pants are too big and you don't have cankles! Which is definitely true, because I saw the pics haha! Take care of yourself inside and out and people will be drawn to the happy you- not the skinny one, the happy one. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I really have no idea what I'm doing right now. I'd like to have a friend to hang out with. But then again, there's not a whole lot to do around here and then I've also got this horrible skin that makes me so self-conscious and prevents me from ever moving beyond platonic relationships should I decide they're not pointless. I think I fixate on my skin when I'm scared to think about my weight and need something to distract myself with. And as usual, with 11 days 'til work, my mind is in manic-countdown mode where I alternate between trying to lose weight, not wanting to lose weight, and completely locking down and being criminally indecisive. I've never yet managed to accomplish what I've wanted to do before an event. Today was a very nice searing-hot breezy day. Of course I didn't leave the house. But I did open the window in my room. Haven't worked out yet today. I've done it every day since March 13th, so about 35-36 days in a row. I don't particularly keep track but I think it's a really good streak for me. If only I could go that long without eating junk food. Today I had two kinds of ice cream and a large amount of pretzels and melted hershey kisses. I did notice that I eat a lot less chocolate when it's melted. I need something salty, powdery, spicy, like cheerios snack mix. But I don't think I'll have it. For one thing, I'd have to go buy it. I don't know. I'm just really depressed lately. I've considered anti-depressants but that would require going to a psych and testing out dosages and all that bullcrap. Oh, and the fact that I'm uninsured. They say not to take generic drugs that change your hormones or brain chemistry. But I can't think of anything else to do, not even something I'm merely unwilling to do. I really hope going back to work and getting paychecks will help. And this will be my second year so maybe I'll be more appreciated and get a good feeling out of helping the new people. I can hope. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, if you've been feeling down for more than a month, maybe you should try to talk to a professional about it. A lot of times there a sliding fee scales, or even programs to offer free treatment. Maybe you will feel better once you are busy with work, and also since you kow how to do things, you can kind of mentor all the newbies. Sometimes having a sense of purpose really helps out! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Let's see, what have I been up to? Eating fast food for dinner and ice cream for dessert. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I've also been working out in the morning AND evening when that happens. So the universe balances out. I've been using the programmed personal trainer features as always, but on the highest one I've been kicking up the resistance one notch at every level. It equals about 30 more calories burned. It can get a little tedious, especially since I prefer semi-darkness and squinting at the screen by the reflection off my skin isn't the best way to take your mind off your burning quads. Oh! Speaking oh mah quaddddsss they feel a lot firmer now. Well, during exercise and for about 30 minutes afterwards, but still! My inner thighs aren't so lucky though. And you know me by now, I start a new diet format every morning. I think I'd like to do two big meals a day. They don't exactly have to be 600 each but the total's definitely going to be around 1,200. Breakfast this morning was two extra-large (I didn't buy those!) eggs, a can of diced potatoes, a soymilk coffee, and a nutrigrain waffle for 420 calories. Heh, it's April 20th today. I don't celebrate THAT part of the day, but it's still a neat coincidence. I've got so many coupons that I'm thinking up rewards again. I have a dollar off SoBe lifewater (0 cal stuff, including OMG BLUEBERRY BLACKBERRY flavor) and the Fuze Slenderize flavors (OMG BLUEBERRY STRAWBERRY) are almost always on sale for 10/$10. Also, when I hit 135 (roughly ten pounds away) I get to buy Bon Jovi's Destination Anywhere. I love his music. I have two tracks from iTunes already but I don't mind paying for them again. I don't have iTunes anymore so this is just easier. And when I hit 129, I don't know what I'm doing. I'll definitely be needing some new jeans by then. But I'm 20 years old, how much longer can I wear American Eagle without feeling guilty? And the jeans in the Misses department are revoltingly matronly. I suppose I have plenty of time to think it over. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, it's always a good idea to think up things as rewards. I kept saying I would cut off my hair when I met goal... but it's taken too long and it's below my bra strap, so I'm cutting it and have to think of a new reward hehe. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I glanced at my calendar and realized the last day I went without a binge was April 10th. That's really sad. Whatever happened to losing ten pounds by the time I start work? That's in 5 days and I'm not even trying. I just depress myself  |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Awww, Ash, sorry to hear it's so hard these days. Do you have any sense of what is causing all these binges? Maybe the pressure to lose weight for the pants to fit and work and all that is just having the opposite effect and making you binge?? Just try to take it one day at a time, and do what you can to avoid the binges. I speak from experience... if you can get a few good days in, you will feel better! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I said I'd meet a friend for dinner and now I'm just exhausted and annoyed and I really don't want to go. Why the #%@&! do I ever agree to do anything? I just want to be a happy hermit and the world is determined to not let that happen. Edit: well I went and waited, giving them the 15 minute grace period they wanted, they didn't show. So I went home. And baked snickerdoodles. Because THEY waited for me. You know, if I'd been looking forward to this, I'd be very angry right now, but it is a relief to go home and change and flop on my bed in the breeze. The cat's way ahead of me on that. I wish I was a cat. All it takes to make them happy is sunshine and an open window. Seriously, how easy would life be if we were like that? Last edited on 25 April 2009 12:25 am by AshIdiot |
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zenobia Moderator
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no joke. i think about that a lot  |
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CrimsonAnimus Moderator 
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I've always wanted to be my dog. She gets love from 5 different people, goes for daily walks, gets to play ball. All she really asks for besides her basic needs are some regular love and attention. Ah, to be a dog... Or a cat, for that matter... Hey, I wouldn't even mind being a monkey! I like bananas...  |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Another really hot, summery day. It was fine up until the time my retarded mom invited my sister and her kid over. Seriously. Would she just die of loneliness if that cow didn't come over every weekend and eat everything in sight while bitching about her weight and trying to act educated about nutrition? It's just so #%@&!ing intolerable. I've had it. I ended up eating just so I would have a reason not to talk to her. In other news, my mom was yard saling this morning and someone's willing to sell me the full Urban Rebounding set for $40 which is pretty cool. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, what is Urban Rebounding? Sorry to hear your sis was around again today, I know you don't get along well with her. Maybe you should just leave for a walk or something when she gets there, to avoid her... better than getting stressed because she's there and eating~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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It's like a little mini trampoline that comes with DVDs and a stabilizer bar. Supposed to be good for all sorts of things, but I just thought it would be fun. I changed my mind about getting it though. I never really stick to anything, why waste the money? Edit: I've been doing some thinking as I am prone to do on rare occasions, and I realized I have the exact same mindset of the people on the Biggest Loser. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and thin and healthy and to shine. I eat in private, lying about what I ate, sneaking around behind the scenes. I feel guilty before, during, and after I binge with little to no effect the next time I want to. I think to myself, 'it's so much hard work to get thin' or 'I'm overwhelmed at how far there is to go.' But the strange thing is, I've only gained 20 pounds in 5 1/2 years. That's less than four pounds a year. I was told after a lot of lab tests that I have a very high metabolism but I just kind of snorted. Maybe my body can process dye pills very quickly, but certainly not mcdonald's chicken selects. Of course, most of that was me never being happy with my body and that was the year I sprouted mini love-handles. But when you think about it, I eat about 3,000 calories a day without fail and I'm hard-pressed to gain 2 pounds a week. If I could just stop. the. daily. binges. I think I could be back to a healthy body fat level pretty quickly. Lately my goal is to go longer in between binges but today I broke over between 6:30 and 7 pm, can't remember exactly, and the day before was 8:05 pm. So now I'm hoping against hope I can do 28 hours which would technically mean I didn't binge from sun-up to sun-down. Agghhh. Work starts Tuesday. Back to a daily routine. And I'll start seeing skinny people again! Hopefully being in their presence will shame me away from the moose tracks. I'll take a travel cup of iced tea or decaf coffee to work with me, that usually helped on some days. I used to have a thing of diet hot chocolate that I would chug on the way home. I haven't been getting enough calcium lately. Or anything, really. There's a good site I could use, I'll spend tomorrow putting all my foods and drinks back on there. Last edited on 27 April 2009 02:01 am by AshIdiot |
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zenobia Moderator
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I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and thin and healthy and to shine. I eat in private, lying about what I ate, sneaking around behind the scenes. I feel guilty before, during, and after I binge with little to no effect the next time I want to. I think to myself, 'it's so much hard work to get thin' or 'I'm overwhelmed at how far there is to go.' But the strange thing is, I've only gained 20 pounds... wow. that is me entirely. i mean, that is EXACTLY how i think, feel, and act. wow, certainly something worth thinking about. thanks. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Me too... especially the eating in private part. I always say no thank you to dessert in public, and steer clear of all the sugary treats that would be bad for my diabetes... then sit with a bag of chocolate chips at around midnight and eat the whole #%@&!ed thing. Self-sabotage, why do we do that? Definitely deserves our consideration. As for the moose tracks... LOL... that's what got me last night. It's my son's fave... |
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Lemondrop New Member
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AshIdiot wrote: I hate children. I hate them so much. I don't know why it's legal to take them outside of your own home. Or even have them if you're clearly white trash. Ahem. Back to ME. Oh my god.. I love this!!!!!!! I just feel like I should write this down and put it on my fridge or something. It really makes me laugh out loud! |
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Lemondrop New Member
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AshIdiot wrote: But I'm 20 years old, how much longer can I wear American Eagle without feeling guilty? And the jeans in the Misses department are revoltingly matronly. I suppose I have plenty of time to think it over. Hey- Im 22 and I just love american eagle still... I like to treat myself to a lower pantsize at rewards.. hopefully I get another reward soon, if I can ever lose these dang 6lbs! I also like to get them off ebay and then keep them in my closet and stare at them until they fit. Im pretty retarded. |
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Lemondrop New Member
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AshIdiot wrote: http://img183.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=tankinifront.jpg Heyyy you look goood! Idk what kind of pants you have that says size 9 or 11 I think you look way smaller than that!! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Ahhh work. The whole day I just thought "can I really handle this? can I go through this again?" which is what I imagine a runner's mind goes through before a second marathon. I get tomorrow off which is great, I'll explain in a minute. My work schedule: 30th, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th. And that's as far in the future as it goes. One of those days was a shift I picked up for someone and, to be honest, I'll probably get more or work later because some people aren't showing up. My little dilemma of the day was when I'm going to find the time to work out. I'm fairly sure I'll be getting home around 3:30 on most of those days which means I could work out later in the evening around 7 or 8 because today I worked from 9:45 to 5:00 and my legs are pretty weak and exhausted. Since tomorrow's free I figured I could work out twice. I actually found a nifty workout regimen that's supposed to make you stronger faster, which is what I need. It has a morning and an evening component that I really could do if I just quit making excuses. There's weights and interval walking which I will convert directly to cycling. I thought I might work out before leaving in the morning but please, how likely is that to happen? I admire the people who can do that. Maybe on the days I go in at noon. And definitely later in the year when I go in around 3. I'm so incoherent right now. I'm showered, I could go pass out...in fact, I think I will. Tuesday = nothing new on tv so I wouldn't miss anything. WAIT! Tonight's the biggest loser finale, isn't it?! I hate crying but Filipe is something special, I'm desperate to see what he looks like today. I bet he looks anorexic like Bob with his skull trying to escape his forehead. I can't imagine him any other way. Okay, so, not the finale yet. That's next week. So, time for me to continue blabbering about nothing. I love my new shampoo-conditioner. I love the new diet bread I found. It's Schwebel's light wheat. The crust is fantastic, tastes like real bread. It's so SOFT. It doesn't scrape the roof of my mouth while swallowing. It doesn't taste like an unsalted cracker when you toast it. I do believe it is the world's best bread. And I'm sure you're waiting to hear my binge. I had one cookie equivalent of dough, about 6 pb cookies with hershey kisses in them, and three kisses on their own. Oh, and about 1.5 cups of espresso ice cream with 1.5 tbsp sugar-free hot fudge. OH MY GOD so good. So sinful, though. I'll just put the hot fudge on my diet vanilla. Oh, and for anyone curious, the PB2+choc tastes like...chocolate powder. There's no peanut butter in there at all. It's still nifty for cracker spreads and things like that. And the bad news for today: the happy summer weather has been replaced by typical late April weather. Cold, rainy, and miserable. Last edited on 29 April 2009 02:33 am by AshIdiot |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, I am sure you will figure out how to fit in the exercise with the work schedule. The new bread sounds yummy. I have gotten lazy with eating "diet" breads- I usually just have the occasional slice of the regular stuff. My big thing is low cal wraps, they make awesome sandwiches!!!! Yum... With that hectic work schedule, you will be rolling in the dough before you know it~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today just started off on the wrong foot. Last night I was agitated and angry about being queasy for zero reason and my mom completely ignoring me and proceeding to leave her very pungent dinner sitting out overnight (in fact, it's still on the counter). You know how I am. Or if you didn't, you do now. So I got up with my alarm at a quarter to 8 and loafed around for ten minutes. Then I finally worked out and, with 8 minutes left, I checked the clock and thank god I did. It was eleven after nine! I have to be OUT the door at 9:30 or I won't get to work on time. So I showered really quick, scrambling around, no breakfast, couldn't find my hair brush, get to work 5 minutes early. Then I don't clock in until 9:47 and the computer tells me I've earned a demerit because of it. I was THERE, I just CLOCKED IN late. So I was furious about that all morning. Secretly. Trying really hard to hide that. It was slow and there was another person working so I got to leave at 12:30. Came home and ate breakfast and I don't know what I did but it's 4 now. I can't stop thinking about binge food. That was even my dream last night, eating ice cream. And a banana that didn't need weighed. And some sort of crackers. Anyway I was setting out what I needed to make a sundae when I gathered up my quarters and instead went to dairy queen for a 700 calorie peanut buster parfait. I of course spilled it on the passenger seat when I was turning onto my street. It wasn't a whole lot, just the top part. WHY did I tell her I didn't need a lid when she asked?! I dug out as much as I could with a wet washcloth and sprayed a lot of febreze but now I just feel horrible about my car smelling. At least this is a cold wet week, not a hot one. That would make it a lot worse. Anyhow the rest of the night is green tea. And absolutely nothing else. Another workout should make me feel better about the whole thing. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ash, sounds like your day just started off on the wrong foot and never got back to good! Sorry to hear about the sundae, but maybe whatever spilled cut the calories some!! I bet it is killer to work around ice cream every day. It is my kryptonite! I would go nuts... wanting to eat it every day... arghhh... hopefully you can resist most days and then splurge now and again~ |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My binges have been predictable. Today was slightly stressful as the new people were nervous and it was our first "busy" day of the season (probably 40 customers while I was there, I estimate about 100 for the day) and I just really needed a friggin ice cream cone. But I didn't get one because I was trying to be good. That nagging voice in the back of my head said "you know you're just going to eat those waffle fries when you get home. grab a cone!" But I didn't have that ice cream cone until around 5 pm when I went a few stores down from the grocery to the marble slab creamery. I got coffee and birthday cake in a waffle cone with cashews mixed in. It was so freaking good. I only regret the calories. Usually I say "that wasn't even worth the calories!" but this was. Maybe because I wanted it for so long before I finally gave in. And my stepdad gave me some sort of high-protein low-carb bar that I had as 'dinner'. The label said 360 but when you do the math it's 396 cals. I wonder so much about labels. Sometimes you add up the calories and you get a lot less than what it's labelled as. But of course on the way to the ice cream place I glanced at my side reflection in the glass walls like every woman does and I have That Butt that I hate on other people, That Butt I've always been "so thankful not to have!". Of course I was pretty much devastated but determined to fully, fully enjoy that ice cream. I'm having my ritualistic green tea now and once it's gone I'll brush my teeth and call it a day. I think maybe I need to stop eating at 6 instead of 8, that way the calories don't have to stretch as far. Been doing good on exercising before work, it lets me get into a good, blank, calm mood and after sweating and showering I don't worry about having 'morning face' anymore where my eyes are dead. I skipped ONE morning and I forget the exact reason, something to do with my period. Today someone from last year and I got to jabbering away and she mentioned she's uncomfortable with her weight and there was some really inspiring guy at career day representing personal trainers at her school fair. So maybe she can be my workout buddy eventually! We both love ice cream though we try to limit it. I've never seen her sneak taster spoons and I think I've only seen her get a dish once or twice at the end of her shift. And she's painfully nice, she wouldn't like yell at me if I got ice cream but I think she could be a good deterrent when I feel like breaking over. But every time I get a good idea like this it backfires or never happens, so I won't say anything unless she does first. |
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CrimsonAnimus Moderator
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Hi, Ashley! Yeah, gotta watch the labels. Most of the products I eat regularly come pretty close when you do the math, but some of them are way off - like beans, as well as Kashi products. Perhaps it would benefit you to start taking the higher number, at least for the foods you eat the most often. I hope the workout buddy thing works out for you! Having someone to work out with is great for accountability and encouragement. Great job with staying motivated on the exercise! Fortunately, I do have my mother to keep me on track. Last night, I was in a bit of a frenzy after Nir taught me about the real calorie price of beans. I kept going back and forth between the pantry and my office, and Mom was asleep on the couch. She woke up and said, "Hey, what are you doing? You're not sneaking food, are you?" So...it really does help to have that person to keep you straight. Good health to you. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today I of course fell off the bandwagon sooner than ever. I think it was 1:30 when I had about...1/3 cup of ice cream, under 1/2 for sure. Then I had two tiny tastes of new flavors. And about 2 square inches of cookie with a teaspoon of hot fudge. When I got home I hit the grocery and bought a pint of raspberry fudge ice cream, a foam tray of popcorn chicken, and a pack of peanut m&ms. Then later on I had three hershey kisses melted with 1.5 tbsp peanut butter swirled together. Now I'm drinking some surprisingly good diet grape soda and thinking "was that such a good idea?" Of course it wasn't but I'm so tired of beating myself up. But I'm also so very, very tired of saying "starting tomorrow." I'm getting daaaaangerously close to my highest recorded weight which makes me nervous. Getting very anxious and indecisive. I can't wait for work to get busy so I'll have less time to think about getting ice cream. That stupid thought is stuck in my head though, "You know you'll want it later at home. You'll end up eating something else that's bad. Then tomorrow you can start this all over again." MEH. |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Ohhh, how I have some of those same self-sabotaging thoughts... and we have the same taste in binge foods too, sweets and more sweets... hope you can break the cycle soon and get back to the work you were doing. I used to have a little mantra back when I was actually losing weight on my diet... "The more you say tomorrow, the more you'll weigh tomorrow"... need to refocus on that concept and forget excuses... let's both try to remember this little saying and start worrying about today rather than tomorrow! |
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zenobia Moderator
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"The more you say tomorrow, the more you'll weigh tomorrow"... need to refocus on that concept and forget excuses... let's both try to remember this little saying and start worrying about today rather than tomorrow! hey mj- i was gonna say that! lol! i knw i got it from someone on here, but i didn't know where it came from! it's a great line |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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That quote is pretty awesome, I'll have to post it somewhere I can see it. I thought I posted THIS reply, but I guess my internet fizzled out as it is prone to doing. I don't really have much of an update but just now when I went to weigh myself after two bowls of ice cream I thought "oh lord, here it comes, 147.4" and it was 145.2! I just got so happy. I guess the few extra pounds I've had this week really were water retention. I now have the motivation to eat that salad in the fridge...wiht some grapes in it, of course. |
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KristaK New Member 
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How are you, AshIdiot? Losing weight, feeling great? I sure hope so! GO YOU! You can do it! Come on! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Mini-update! Saturday I worked out AND didn't binge. My weight dropped to 145.4 by the time I weighed-in and the next morning it was 142.8. Like, seriously? When I binge, I eat four pounds of food on average? That thought is terrifying. Right now I...well, don't weigh 142, let's put it that way. Lately I just get frustrated over the stupidest things and it makes me eat when I get home. I'm making a list of stuff that needs eaten like the fresh produce and half-gallon of sugar-free jello I made (80 cals for the whole thing!). No more chips, candy bars, chicken strips, ice cream cones. Going to the zoo Saturday! I'm excited about that. Need to figure out if any of my clothes fit.......you know, I bet those one-size-too-big clothes from ebay would fit perfectly right about now |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was just a good day. For no reason at all. A little while ago I sat outside for a while since the sun came out and the dog was barking anyway. It's really relaxing. I wonder why I had a food problem when we first moved here. My mom was terrified the dog would break his chain and run away so we had to sit there with him the whole time he was outside. Which was a few hours a day. I used to listen to my ipod but now I do sudoku or just let my mind wander freely. I was out there today thinking "you know, this is nice, and it's a good alternative to eating, but it's not burning any calories." I think I need to take up walking again. I'm still excited about going to the zoooooo. Should be good exercise and the website says there's a couple places to get "healthy alternatives" for lunch. Being out in the sun will do me some good hopefully. I haven't eaten anything bad yet today. I cleaned some strawberries and chunked half a pineapple and the grapes are already washed. I could whip up a fruit salad if I get hungry and nuke some chicken. I don't even know what to do tomorrow on my day off. Maybe play video games. Or bake something. I could check out that cookyourselfthin website. The show's pretty good but they never cook anything I would eat. I got some ground turkey that I made into patties that I could make tonight. I plan on loading it with onion powder. I'm also disappointed how many calories there are in edamame beans. I thought Victoria Beckham ate those! Sheesh. I may not wish I looked like her, but I do wish I was just as active....I haven't exercised in four days now. Feeling a little guiltyyy |
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mj36 Senior Member
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Hey, Ash, hang in there. Walking is awesome for both relaxing and losing lbs. I have been taking long walks on my treadmill with the tunes cranked lately! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Holy cow I hate IE8. I haven't found a button on an entry form yet that has worked. Anyway. I haven't been writing because there's nothing to write about. Nothing good, at least. The weather's putting me in a much better mood. Today my slip-up was a twix bar and a pack of pb m&ms. I didn't eat for five hours afterward and then I decided it was dinner time. I steamed some fish in my microwave gadget and it was just awful so I thought "screw this" and went to walmart. I got a big box of rice krispie cereal, a cute skirt I saw on the rack, and a few pints of ice cream. Yeah, yeah, shut up. So here's the skirt: http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/9092/skirtfront.jpg Looks cute from the front, right? I'm only a little lovehandle-y. But look at it from the side. http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/1445/skirtside.jpg A completely different story. This is the only picture that captured how I saw myself. The front-view picture, in my opinion, makes me look 10 pounds thinner. I don't know how. I think I look so much worse than that. The skirt is a roomy 8-10. It's an elastic waistband of course. But I can't imagine myself wearing a 6-8. I'm at 145.8 which is okay, I was expecting upwards of 148. Actually that's very strange, I was 146.0 when I woke up...but I'm not complaining. I'm not the only person who went grocery shopping today, which means we are double-stocked on strawberries and bananas. Which me and my stepdad (vacation this week) are only too happy to eat up. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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My food habits are completely bipolar lately. I eat a healllllthy breakfast, take a diet soda to work so I don't feel left out, come home and steam some veggies and a meat serving of some sort. Then 5 o'clock rolls around and I want ice cream. Badly. It's just been ice cream lately. Any other food I eat is just because it's there. The day before my mom brought me a frosty. Yesterday my sister brought me a sundae. Today I bought myself some no-sugar-added low-fat cookie dough ice cream. It's so strange because I so RARELY eat ice cream at work. I've eaten it twice this year and on two other occasions I took some home. Been working since late April, so I consider this an accomplishment. Speaking of time passing, I'm just getting depressed about everything. It's May 29th for god's sake. Last time I checked it was like the 14th. Time goes by so fast that it's difficult to make myself care about anything silly like weight. I'd like to maintain at this point. As long as I don't have to go up a size in pants I don't care much. Like I said earlier I got a microwave steaming dish and I've finally gotten the hang of it. Veggies don't need thawed but fish sure does. Learned that the hard way. Now that I've gotten that drilled into my brain I want to try some diced potatoes next. All of this started because those Healthy Choice meals got me hooked on broccoli but I couldn't justify spending $1.88 on those things. Now I can make vegetables a lot faster than boiling and fish doesn't smell up the house or ruin good pans. Actually I can't honestly say anything about the smell. I can't even smell fish but my brother can smell it from across the county line. I made some around 2:30, I'll have to see if he notices. It's kind of strange. I'm glad my palate is expanding. I was evening laying in bed one night fantasizing about fluffy, soft, yummy broccoli. Maybe I could do an every-other-day thing where I always eat healthy from breakfast to about 6 and then let myself have one plate of junk food. No matter how you slice it, it's a calorie reduction for me. I'll think about it. In the meantime, I need some cheap sunscreen. I read a three-page article while sitting on the porch and now I'm paranoid about driving down the road. Something new to occupy my mind! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Hem...today was a very good day in some ways and a very bad one in others. For instance, I am currently 5 pounds heavier than I woke up. I had 'bad food' starting at 11:40 am. Also, I am at my highest weight ever. 148.6. It feels pretty bad. Today was just one of those "I'm invincible", "today's a special day", "enjoy life for once and get out there" days. We planned to go to the strawberry festival downtown which we did. I got fries and a strawberry sundae. Then I had a couple chocolates, cookies, granola bars, cheese puffs, large piece of grilled chicken, candy bars, frozen coffee, chicken nuggets....Ay yi yi. Tomorrow I work from noon to...an unknown time, and then we're going back to the festival to grab some stuff I wanted if I get back soon enough. It's just fun to get out and walk around and put on good clothes and drop $5 on a bracelet, you know? I put on my sunscreen, wore my pretty sunglasses, had shaved legs and shorts, I felt pretty good. I didn't worry about my weight once, not even when I gulped down a sundae unnecessarily fast to free my hands for a fish game. I bought three movies today too. I'll be watching those over the course of this week. Good thing too because I noted some dvd sets of a show my brother loves and he really wants them and the store is having a great sale. Not a total loss. So basically I also found some energy gum on clearance at CVS. Honestly it could be a crock but even if it's a placebo effect, I might start exercising again. God knows I need to. Put a dent in my calorie balance. Give me some time to focus and act and lip-synch and all those things I love to do. When I woke up I was 143.6, so I think I could weigh 142 by Wednesday. Some of my water weight is 'monthly', I think it'll be easy to flush out. I also want to walk down to the park and play on the swings and feed the ducks and get some sun exposure. People tell me I'm too pale and I love the smell of my kid's sunscreen. And on that note, I'm gonna go watch a movie and finish my third glass of green tea today... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Today was sort of a fresh start. I logged all my foods back onto a website so I can just click and it'll do the math for me. I put exercise clothes in my car. I put a healthy snack in my purse. Generally, I just feel happier about being healthier. I haven't exercised today, that's true, and I worked two hours less than usual so that's a few less 'run of the mill' (no pun intended) calories burned. I really wish I had a big group of friends that always wanted to go out and run around. Well, I use that term in the 'drive around town' or 'do errands' sense but the other kind would be nice too. Maybe if I lived near the Y I would get a membership and go daily and find something active to do. Or I could start walking down to the park every day and playing on the swings to give me something to look forward to. Being outdoors does help my mood immensely. I'd like to go back to weight training to strengthen my arms too...work is just easier when you can lift more stuff all at once. I think I'll start tonight because my post-work shower was so early that I'll need another before bed anyway. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Soooo freaking faaaat. Sick of it. I hate how I look. I can't believe I go around looking like this. Makes me sick to my stomach. I bought new pants that I knew were an unflattering color but I thought "who honestly cares?" but then I took pics at home and...well, I must have rose-tinted glasses in lasik form because the view from my eyes is just fine. But the camera is a harsh mistress. http://img93.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=newpantsfront.jpg Sigh. In other news, today was the third day this week I didn't binge. My calories are around 1,450. One day it was 1,080 but I was sick. So I guess this is my life now. 1,400 calories. Maybe I'll work out when mom goes yard saling tomorrow morning... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I've been trying hard to commit to a more active lifestyle (walking around the store a lot instead of sitting at home, some scheduled workouts) and a 1,400 calorie diet but I binged tonight. I forget why. Anyway I've had my green tea now and I put every single calorie into my logger and the total is like 2,340. Yikes, eh? But I did burn off about 780 today PLUS whatever I burned jumping on a trampoline. I don't know how long we were out there but we were exhausted. And instead of being horrible to myself I'm going to use my usual technique of writing messages on my desk. This time I put "undo yesterday" instead of "way to go, #%@&!-up" which should help me feel more optimistic and less intimidated. Other things I might write are "improve yesterday" if I was close but no cigar, or "repeat yesterday" if it was perfect. Yeahhhh, I'll do that. Oh, and my freaking stepdad lost another 4 pounds this week. He went from 260 to 210 since January. Oh, how jealous I am of him. |
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zenobia Moderator
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bah. they don't look nearly as bad as you think. and the camera adds 10 lbs, right? hey, you know i've wanted to ask you for a while. have you had much experience writing? have you ever considered doing something with wrting? i think you've got this really great voice when you write and i bet you could really do something with it... just a thought... |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Oh my good god. I found an old xanga I had from 2005 when I was really bulimic and the sad thing is, I'm not much bigger than I was then. The past few years I've been looking back like "oh my god I wish I could be that small again" well the fact is, I only have to lose an inch in my thighs and two inches off my jeans waistline to be that size again. Ha! I did grow two inches in height since then which I'll pretend accounts for the extra 7 pounds in general. I feel so relieved. I think I'll save that entry somewhere when I need motivation to work out or put down the cookie. "Just a couple inches" sounds a lot better than "lose 14 pounds NOW, you pile of #%@&!!" Of course I'd still like to lose those 14 pounds....It'll happen eventually. I don't know whether I'll feel like working out tonight but I will in the morning since I don't work and won't worry about being tired. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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A little before noon I got on the scale and it said 141.6, which made me so ecstatic. I just laughed and danced. Then I weighed myself again later (I won't do it again!) and it was 141.2 so I know it wasn't just water weight. I did my 90 minutes of cardio, so I'm all set. I just have to have a healthy, filling dinner tonight to seal the deal. I made the world's greatest sliced potatoes last night. At first I thought they were terrible and almost pitched them in favor of dairy queen but I let them sit a while and they crisped right up. 375, 18 minutes, let sit for 5, voila. Perfect. I think I'll do that again tonight because we have so many potatoes and I've got a lot of calories left. I was craving bananas and blackberries today so I went to the store and got strawberries, bananas, romaine salad, and some fresh chicken which I normally shun due to the price. But I did the math and it's LESS than HALF the cost of frozen, pre-cooked chicken breast (/shaped patties). So fresh it is. I've got it all divided and I plan on having some tonight. Yesterday I did have 1,610 calories. My dvd I rented and was so excited about started skipping so I got mad and had to find a new way to spend my free time, which is normally food. But instead I just had FOUR cookies instead of all 12 in the package. 1,610 calories is much better than 2,200 which is my average for binge days and it did pay off. Back to work tomorrow which means a lot of bustling around burning calories and possibly one less unpleasant coworker. We shall see. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I weighed myself at 9:08 pm on Sunday, June 28th and the scale shocked me. One hundred and forty nine pounds. You do know that's one pound away from 150, right? Half of three hundred? Three quarters of the way to 200? So I'm back on the healthy eating express. I've been letting myself eat whatever I want, whenever I want, in any quantity I want, for several weeks now. So I think the novelty has worn off by now. It's business time. I haven't seen my friend for over 17 months and I don't want to get a horrible reaction when we hang out Thursday. Well by now that's inevitable but GOD how did it come to this? I did take pictures this afternoon before we went out to eat. It has finally happened. http://img200.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=img3590h.jpg My thighs are bigger than my #%@&!. That is some serious deformity. I think I'll have a ton of coffee tonight. Some of this HAS to be water weight. I do feel slightly crampy. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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New bikinis. Hopefully these will motivate me. They're adorable and they were $2 each! http://img132.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=birdsi.jpg I don't know how clear it is to the untrained eye but the white one has flying seagulls on it. I saw it and HAD to have it. And the lightning bolt one was one I'd seen at Target right before this store and they wanted $7.48 for the separates. Ha! |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okay. I gotta hustle. No more excuses of "if I start now, I won't even be skinny at the end of summer" because let's face it, every season is a good time to be thin. When it gets cold enough to wear jeans, I want cute ones. When it's hoodie time, you'd better believe I don't want an X or and L on that size tag. I wrote out all my calisthenics/weight training moves because I keep losing my old ones, it seems. I practiced on the Ab Lounger today while I was in the basement (my mom got it for $20!). It's so confusing, I don't feel anything. I don't really know what I'm doing I guess. I'd kill for a Bun & Thigh Roller. I think I'll blog myself senseless when I'm in a snacking mood. I had two bumbleberry blossoms (don't ask...) for 740 calories total but other than that, healthy food. Dinner will be a healthy choice I think they're discontinuing soon. I haven't tried running up and down the road yet, I really should. I'm just hesitating about all this, and I have no idea why. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I suppose it's update time. I ordered a Slim In 6 package but my prepaid card got denied so in reality I have nothing waiting for me in the postal service. I've been exercising a lot more. Last Friday was day one, I skipped Thursday, and the first six days of that kick were marked by a lack of binges. Well, that's a lie. One day I had a small one but my calories didn't go over my limit so I count it as a successful day. The Thursday I mentioned was binge city. And yesterday I had around 2,100 calories but I did exercise so it was only a half-failure. I exercised extra when I got up this morning so I should be okay. I'm hanging out with my sister this afternoon, though, and our first stop is the movie theater for Harry Potter. She planned to bring snacks in her purse (which, I admit, is much larger than it appears from the outside) but I'll probably have nothing like last time I went. Afterward is when I want fast food though because there are a few places right by the mall and because that's how I grew up, watch a movie without expensive popcorn and compensate by getting a happy meal on the way home. I'll fess up to cutting out seventeen junk food coupons today. Granola bars, pop tarts, frozen chicken nuggets, an Arby's coupon, a DQ coupon, snack mix, hershey bars, ben & jerry's...and then there are like six for Fiber Plus bars. I went from like 146 to 139 in five days but the second I binged my weight went back to 141. Not too bad, if I just control myself and exercise about an hour I lose a pound a day. I need to be more grateful for my so-called metabolism. I know for a fact it's just the lack of three pounds of fries and ketchup in my gut that makes the scale move so efficiently. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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So umm...I hit the big one on Saturday night. 150. As in, pounds. Anyway. I was really upset for like 12 hours then I got a hold of myself because some of it was temporary. There was Applebee's in my tummy (my first time ever there) and water retention. Now I'm back to 145.4 and much happier. Yesterday and today I did an hour of various cycling and I plan on keeping it up. My mom let slip that it's really cheap to go to Myrtle Beach in October and that's what my aunt does with her boys sometimes so it just might happen. But I won't mind if it doesn't, we need to save up for San Diego next year when my stepdad goes to his Vietnam unit reunion and we get to go to the zoo and stuff. Either way, I need to lose the weight whether I have an event or not. I'm just chubby. And ahhhh hates it. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Oh, I love updating. So much that I never do it! My mom let slip that she discussed going to the beach in October with my aunt who takes her boys there every year because it's cheaaaaap and DESERTED and still very warm and lovely. And I was like "I'm on board!" because the closest thing to a vacation I've ever been on is my dad's house in central Florida which is situated on a canal. I loved how it smelled there though, orange pollen and salt air. And oh, god, I love me some knicknacks in tourist shops! I could spend years in them. But the thing is, we're supposed to have a family vacation to San Diego next summer because that's where my stepdad's Vietnam unit (probably not the right term, technically) reunion is and he's really looking forward to it. And, well, money. Etc. I doubt we'll do both. But I don't even care, I just like the idea of it. I bought those two sweeeet bikinis and I'd love to just daydream about being on a beach for the first time in my life in one of those things. Favorably my seagull one, it's TEH ADORABLENESS. Plus, white makes everyone look tan without having all that UV damage. So I've set myself a goal of 130 pounds by October 1st which is 100% doable. I have to lose 0.295 pounds per day to achieve it and between you and me, I can drop 14 pounds effortlessly if I just don't binge and do 60 minutes of exercise. Not even cardio. An hour of recumbent biking at 23.5 mph has the same effect. So I'm excited to see what I can accomplish during this 44 day .... quest. I hate the word 'challenge'. I've got some sa-weet beach layouts on my private blog to stare at and about 15 new ones for my computer desktop. Something about having pretty things to look at just makes your blood pressure plummet, you know? Easier to focus on things and it really zaps your desire to binge. I've got 13 pounds to lose but this really is a sort of test to see just how much weight I can lose if I buckle down and try. Don't we all want to know that about ourselves? Oh, dude, I saw an infomercial today (I was up at 8, what the heck?) for a workout program called Insanity and it lives up to its name. It was talking about how this nutty guy invented it and it's the toughest workout EVER to be put on DVD and I so believe them. He uses what I refer to as reverse intervals because I forget the real name so it's like PUSH for a long time with a tiny bit of rest in between instead of the other way around. People were on there talking about how they thought they were amazingly fit and how they were like dying during what the inventor introduces as the WARM-UP. I was daydreaming for a while about that but I realized I can't do anything while standing. I really can't. I can pedal a bike but I can't do like kickboxing and things, my heart just aches and begs for relief. Either way, I was kinda curious about it because those people got some freaking sexy bodies after only 60 days. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I've been logging a lot more things on my diary because I was trying to buckle down for 44 days and make some changes in my life. Today and yesterday were failures, but still. I did four days perfectly before I hit that snag. I'm restarting. I think it was around 4 when I stopped eating bad food and so for the rest of the day it's back to healthy. I'll exercise later. I feel so cold and lonely today. It's cloudy and the week is starting over so parents are getting back to work and I'm also getting nervous because in 69 days I'm gonna be unemployed. Later today I'll shave my legs and give myself a pedicure. It helps for a bit. I'm also gonna do a full-body exfoliation because I need it basically and I like how my nightshirts feel on my fresh skin. Actually, I think my seasonal affective disorder is kicking in (I don't actually have it but it really, really dampens my mood anyway) because today was upper 60s, high of 72. I so loathe the cold months. I'm thinking of buying a new exercise bike with my next paycheck since I spent only a little bit of my current one, meaning it mostly went in the bank. The one I have now, the recumbent, is about 5 years old and it still works but it's a bit of a nuisance. It's worn down and sounds like a thumpy washing machine and the EKG handlebar hits my knees. It was only like $250 and that's what new ones are going for lately so I figure, why not? It might even make me all excited to exercise again. You know, I wish my upright had a lighted display. I like exercising in the dark but I can't see the screen. I guess this was a whole lot of nothing, just checking in. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I'm so god#%@&!ed fat I just don't even want to try anymore. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I gave calorie-counting a try today. It's been a while. It's been like...since August 24th, anyway, since I ate 1,200 calories or less. I haven't exercised since September 2nd. Anyway! I'm gonna try to focus on health a little more. I was supposed to go to a WW meeting last night but the church it's held at was having some sort of benefit dinner instead so WW was cancelled. So I checked the website again and there's another location on Thursdays a couple miles down the road so I'm going there tomorrow evening. Today I had a healthy choice turkey dinner for breakfast with a banana. Then I had a fiber bar for an early afternoon snack. As I was pulling the bag of frozen french fries out of the freezer my dad pulled into the driveway so I went out and talked with him for around an hour before my brother and sister showed up...with lattes from River Road. Ahh they're so good. I googled and they said the average was 200 calories. That was around 3:30. Then at about 8 after my very short shift at work I got a (!!!) Dairy Queen chicken basket! Four-piece. No gravy. No dipping sauce. No drink. Standard butter oil on the toast. Oh, it was so good and hot. 1,040 calories of nummy trans fats. Now, if I'd gotten 5 chicken selects and a medium fry from mcd's it would be the exact same calories. And no trans fats. And...two dollars more expensive. Small fries and three pc chicken selects would be 630 calories and cost approx $4.50. Honestly, I need to do that from now on when I'm craving crunchy chicken and FRUH-FRIES! (Does anyone else use that term?) So yeah. I had 1,770 calories today. That's a lot less than my usual binge-fest. So I'm semi-proud of myself. Enclosed is a picture of my outfit I was gonna wear to WW. Attached Image (viewed 55 times): |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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All righty. I've exercised the past three days with the intention of 45 minutes of cardio before work and about 15 more before my evening shower along with weights. It hasn't gone 100% according to plan though. But hey, I'm still trying. Yesterday was the first say since like...August 24th that I didn't binge and my calories were around 1,200. I hope to keep the calories going, definitely, but today I've been too weak to exercise. I had a nutrigrain waffle and a snickerdoodle though, hoping I'll be able to exercise soon. Getting uninspired by the music I have. Well, I have a lot of great music I've put on to different playlists, but it's all like "relaxing" and "floating" and "summer" and "assorted R&B" which isn't A material for workouts. A lot of good music is set to be released...in late October : / In other news, I went in today for my typing test at the job I had two years ago and I passed it with flying colors—even though I accidentally erased half of a page. Heh. So I get a formal interview in late October, early November. I thought the commute would be SOOO LONGGG (compared to what I'm used to) but it was really not that bad. It was almost 30 minutes exactly even with three red lights. And that's just the no-fuss way. My mom says she knows an easier way and she'll show me sometime this week. I wonder how much easier it could possibly be. I keep thinking I worked TWO months last time but I checked my old schedule emails and it says I was only there for five weeks. I have such a bad memory. Five weeks is nothing, I can totally suck it up for that long. I keep remembering like, three bad customers I had. The only bad part about that job is sometimes the computers are slow and it's hard to hear people without the volume adjuster that's only on some phones. I mean, come on. A week of paid training. Huge discounts. Free samples of tons of stuff. Paychecks (and hot popcorn!) every single Friday. Answer a question right during orientation and you get a $20 gift of your choice. It's a sweet gig. I think my bad associations with that place are mostly winter-related and the fact that it was my first job. It'll go a lot smoother this time. Plus, I earn threeeee times as much at this job compared to my current job. My nose keeps hurting worse and worse. I smacked it against the doorframe when I was turning to leave a room :[ But it's not crooked, not swelling, not bruised, and BARELY bleeding internally. So it's all good. Edit: My blood sugar crashed again when I was 5 minutes away from finishing part of my workout. I try to do a half-hour program on my upright bike and finish with some recumbent freecycling but I didn't get to do that today. I still burned some good calories so I'm accepting this as a trade-off. Instead of doing 45 minutes of exercise, I got to do 30 and take a leisurely shower before The Biggest Loser came on. I planned to exercise as close as I could and just sit there in a pool of my own sweat during the show because I couldn't get this done earlier today. If you think about it, I only burned about 120 less calories than I would have and I also reduced my chance of bacterial infections. I say it's worth it. Plus, think of the discomfort. Feeling gross for two hours. No way, José. I'm almost glad I made my family those muffins and snickerdoodles, they sure are coming in handy. The muffins are 186 calories and the snickerdoodles are 82. If I only eat ONE when I NEED the boost, I can still meet my calorie goals. Last edited on 30 September 2009 01:59 am by AshIdiot |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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No blood sugar problems today. Still not amazed? I had a cherry coke zero while at work. No dizzy, no dehydration, no crash. Today was a 6 hour shift, too. Came home, watched one episode of the simpsons, then I did 70 minutes of exercise. Meant to do 75 but I counted wrong. I'm really curious about a couple more Walden Farms products, namely the barbecue sauce and italian dressing. I marinate chicken with italian dressing (or used to, years ago before my weight was an issue) and it really did make all the difference in the world. I'll have to check Kroger next time I'm out. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I believe this is my sixth day working out and my third day not bingeing. One thing I realized today that really helps me is to make whole meals that are low in calories. Tonight is a grilled chicken patty from walmart (123), a low-fat nutrigrain waffle (70), a cup of mixed vegetables (90), 10 sprays of liquid parkay (10), and a can of diet decaf dr pepper (2 ish). Fills a plate and your stomach for just 295 calories. Last night it was a steamed pollock fillet (52), about 11 baby carrots (65), and a small baked potato (101) for 218 cals. Dessert was a diet vanilla latte (17) and a snickerdoodle (82). This is easier for me than snacking on one thing after another every hour or so because you don't look back and think "oh yeah, that totally made me feel warm and full and happy." I think my microwave steamer is my new best friend! Of course, it will always be second banana to my electronic food scale even though its batteries cost $4.00. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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Okay, here's my list of super-lame excuses. Did not exercise today. I was laying in bed around 10:08 when one of my managers called and told me I was supposed to be working today. I thought I checked the schedule ten times a day but I must have missed it. Actually, I rewrote it today and some stuff did look different. Anyway. All caught up on that. I did eat healthy until about 5:30 when I came home from walmart with two candy bars (among other things of course). I planned to eat one and keep the other in my desk. Which I've done so far. But then I had cheerio snack mix and french toast sticks and a small pumpkin blizzard from DQ. Glad I didn't get the chicken basket after all. I have time to exercise before CSI Miami and I really should. I'll feel bad if I don't. It'll be my tenth day in a row working out. But of course the perfect eating has fallen by the wayside even before this evening. I weighed 141.2 this morning which was pretty fun. Of course, now it's ...... only 142.6! Whoooooo! Gonna stash that candy bar in the closet somewhere. I should go exercise. I'll pick out some music and see what happens. I have to shower tonight anyway. That's my number one motivator to exercise. How sad is that? Also I've tried to be a more disciplined person lately. If I wake up early I want to get OUT of bed and take care of the animals, weigh myself, drink some water, etc instead of laying there for three more hours. Every time I think of a chore or a small task to do I write it down at the very least. I think I'll go work out. Sigghhhh. Hope the monitor doesn't restart, I want to keep track of my calories and distance since I started logging my weekly totals again. Here's last week's, to give you an idea: Time: 6 hr, 52 mins (+337) Distance: 154.83 mi (+127.43) Calories burned: 3,898 (+3,260) The numbers in parentheses are how they compare to the previous week. I guess when you tell yourself "I burn almost 4,000 calories per week" it makes you want to contribute, you know? |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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I've got a list of six upcoming music releases and goal weights for each. I'm not allowed to buy or to listen to any of the songs until I weigh the designated amount. And there's even more incentive: the price of CDs nowadays goes up like $6 the day after its release. So I can save a lot of money AND be thinner AND be listening to brand-new music...if I focus. Here's my list: 139 Oct 23rd - Within Temptation, Utopia 138 Oct 27th - Taylor Swift, Fearless platinum 136 Nov 10th - Rob Zombie, Hellbilly Deluxe 2 135 Nov 23rd - Rihanna new album 134 Nov ??th - La-Ventura, nameless EP 133 Nov ??th - tATu, Waste Management The question mark ones don't have official release dates yet and the last one might actually be released in December. But since they're so far off I have high expectations. I've got plenty of time in between each release to hit my goal weight. Of course, I weigh 145.8 right this second because of eating mindless #%@&! for the last like, six days. So I have 6 days to lose 6.8 pounds. Most of which is water weight, I am sure. I bet I'll weigh 143.4 when I wake up. This weekend is turkey and veggies, basically, since the turkey was on sale. That's good and healthy and quick leftovers. I'm gonna stay out of the apple pie. I'm gonna stay out of the barbecue chips. I'm gonna leave the ice cream in the deep freezer outside. I need to eat all the friggin fruit we bought. Half a peck of apples for $2.40, then my mom and I bought bananas on the same day like idiots. I'd like some grapes. Moist grapes, sitting in a sealed container in their own juices for a few hours. Ahhhh is there a better snack on this planet? (no) I also need to be a more active person. I'm thinking of riding my bike up and down the road a few times since it's a lot more physically-demanding than a stationary bike. After I get used to it I'll consider running it because it's 0.8 miles for a round trip. I have to keep reminding myself of that in case I ever get the urge to do it. I also have a lot of fish I could steam. And two big bags of mixed veggies I could boil. See, no excuses not to eat healthy. Nooooone, ashleyyyyyy. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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And she crumbled under the pressure! The past two days I just completely tanked. Ate all sorts of bad food. Laid in bed reading instead of exercising. I have four days until my next cd. I'm gonna have to edit it to 140, most likely. I wish I cared enough to eat right. Today, at least, I had a healthy breakfast. But by lunch, all hope was lost. I've never, ever met a deadline in my life. I don't really know what to do with myself. |
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AshIdiot Distinguished Member
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So I've pretty much given up on my plan. See, these deadlines are basically holding pleasure hostage. Which is never a good thing. Drives you crazy! I've decided I'm tired of being unhappy and not living. So I'm gonna buy all this music anyway, I'm gonna enjoy it anyway, and I'm gonna wear my "half a size too small" jeans ANYWAY. I spent good money on those. And really, I'm never the worst-looking girl in the room. I need to get out of the house more and that's what I'm going. It feels pretty good. Yes I could still stand to lose about 6 pounds but I'm not going to have an all-or-nothing ultimatum. |
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