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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 November 2009 02:16 pm |
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| What are the top 6 attributes you look for in a man, in the order of their importance?
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DaniMae1
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 November 2009 03:01 am |
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| Well I've been married for over 18 years so I'm not looking. But if I were looking I'd take notice of how he treats other people. Especially women. Is he kind, polite, thoughtful etc....I don't think I can come up with 6 since I am out of the game.
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The Lioness
Member
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Posted: 2 December 2009 06:43 pm |
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LOL! Six is a funny number.
How self sufficient he is
Where his direction is in life
Looks
Sense of humor
Personality
The type of drama/ baggage he carries
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 03:25 pm |
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Now there is an honest answer. I appreciate the answer, I'd just like to read between the lines a bit on your answers...
would it be safe to say the following clarifications?
How self sufficient he is (how much money he has)
Where his direction is in life (How much money he has the potential to make)
Looks
Sense of humor
Personality (how he makes me feel about myself)
The type of drama/ baggage he carries (is he trustworthy)
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The Lioness
Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 04:49 pm |
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No, you're actually very wrong:
"How self sufficient he is (how much money he has)"
No. Self sufficient does not have anything to do with how much money he has. It has to do with if he is able to provide for himself. He can be poor, no car, but as long as he is supporting himself then that's what matters. I don't want to have to take care of him, because taking care of myself is hard enough. If I am a self sufficient person, then he needs to be too.
"Where his direction is in life (How much money he has the potential to make)"
Once again, wrong. Direction does not have to be about money. He needs to have goals. I don't want a lazy bum sitting around my house. I don't want to deal with men who doesn't have priorities. He needs to be able to work hard at what he does, even if it's just working at McDonald's. He needs to have goals and try his hardest to reach those goals. If he has no direction in life, why bother with him?
"Personality (how he makes me feel about myself)"
Now this one kinda offended me. A good personality has nothing to do with how he makes me feel. A good personality is someone who is going to be honest with me, regardless if I want to hear the truth or not. A good personality means that he is caring, and trustworthy, someone I can talk to. A good personality means that he does not have abusive tendencies, like he won't hit me or verbally or sexually abuse me. A man with a good personality. There are plenty of men with good personalities that I would not date. It's what a man does and says and how he treats you enables you to feel good; not his personality. Being in a man's prescence that you care about shoudl make you feel good; not his personality.
"The type of drama/ baggage he carries (is he trustworthy)"
This one is sort of correct, but it's not just about trustworthiness. I don't want to deal with ex girlfriends starting drama, "baby mama drama," things like that. Why would I? If I wanted to deal with stress I'd go find it. I don't need it coming to me.
I hope this added some clarification to you.
Not all women are the same, you know.
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 08:25 pm |
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The Lioness wrote:
Not all women are the same, you know.
My God, I hope not...
- So, if a guy was a millionaire, what does his direction need to be then?
- Also, about the self sufficient: So does that mean you live separate lives and simply cohabitat and screw? In other words...What is the man there for at all? When I look back over my past relationships, I have come to the conclusion that I have been 'expendable' in every single one of them. Why is that? If someone were to fall short in any of your categories, are they gone?
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The Lioness
Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 08:40 pm |
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So, if a guy was a millionaire, what does his direction need to be then?
That is up to him. I can't choose a man's direction.
Also, about the self sufficient: So does that mean you live separate lives and simply cohabitat and screw? In other words...What is the man there for at all? When I look back over my past relationships, I have come to the conclusion that I have been 'expendable' in every single one of them. Why is that? If someone were to fall short in any of your categories, are they gone?
If you're not married, then you need to be able to take care of yourself. If you live together, you need to be able to support your half of the bills and/or expenditures. Only when you're married are you entitled to support someone, because it is for better and for worse. If you choose to support someone without being married, then that is your choice.
A man should be with a woman for companionship, not for any form of stability. A man and woman should be together because of their feelings, not because of the financial and physical things they can do for each other.
To me, honestly, if a man cannot meet my expectations, then they are not the man for me. So, yes, they would be gone. I am a picky person though, and I have no problem being single. If a man is falling short, and he's not taking steps to change it, then I will leave.
Perhaps you were, "expendable," because you were not what they were looking for. Women take a long time to figure out what we want in a man. You cannot hold onto those past occurrences.
If you want to avoid being, "expendable," then it's important that you take more control over the women you choose and who you date. You can only blame women for so long. If you keep running into the same problems with women, chances are it's that you're choosing the wrong women.
It really bothers me when men and women say, "All men" or "All women" are the same. Take some responsibility for who you choose (I know you haven't said this in so many words, but that's what I'm getting from you).
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 10:09 pm |
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The Lioness wrote: "Women take a long time to figure out what we want in a man."
Isn't that just a cop out, and another way of saying "If we see something better somewhere else, your gone", because I'm worried that girls look at relationships like 'no strings attached'. In other words the emotional level is very shallow.
BTW-You sure don't speak like you were born in 1989, I was shocked to see that.
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The Lioness
Member
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Posted: 3 December 2009 10:39 pm |
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Isn't that just a cop out, and another way of saying "If we see something better somewhere else, your gone", because I'm worried that girls look at relationships like 'no strings attached'. In other words the emotional level is very shallow.
LOL! No, it's not a cop out. It's women being women. Women are very undecisive when it comes to men, and it can take ages for them to figure out what they want. It's emotional as well as biological. Think about it; in prehistory a woman needed to find the best man to father her kids. It's a selective process to find out what they want and don't want. We as humans may have become more cilivlized, but our biology is largely the same (though a bit more repressed).
And I actually feel like you get the, "no strings attached" issue from more men than you do women. Once again, it goes back to biology. Regardless, I think you just need to associate yourself with different kinds of women. Women are very in tune with their emotions. If they wanted something no strings attached, you would most likely know right off the bat.
BTW-You sure don't speak like you were born in 1989, I was shocked to see that.
I have seen marriages fail repeatedly, and I myself was a child that grew up with parents in and out of court due to divorce since I was 10 years old. I learned alot growing up when it comes to relationships. Marriage is not something to be immediate. You have to make sure the person you're with is completely compatible with you, from their good qualities to their bad. If people stopped trying to rush things, then 50% of marriages in the US wouldn't fail.
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Hellrazor
New Member
| Joined: | 6 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 872 |
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Posted: 4 December 2009 05:33 am |
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tourproven wrote: The Lioness wrote: "Women take a long time to figure out what we want in a man."
Isn't that just a cop out, and another way of saying "If we see something better somewhere else, your gone", because I'm worried that girls look at relationships like 'no strings attached'. In other words the emotional level is very shallow.
BTW-You sure don't speak like you were born in 1989, I was shocked to see that.
Women do not look at relationships like that at all . If you are thinking that then have to look at the women are wanting be with or have been with like lioness said. Before I met my wife I would have killed for women who though like that
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 December 2009 02:56 am |
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| Hellrazor, I think we could be great friends.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 3 January 2010 02:26 am |
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Very interesting discussion everyone! I think most people are drawn to looks first. It is what catches the eye... but not what holds the attention. The looks thing doesn't mean someone has to be movie-star good looking, just that one person is physically attractive to another. Maybe you like a quirky smile, maybe bald is beautiful. However, once you get past that, there has to be substance. I always look for common values. I was raised to be hard-working, self-sufficient (which means doing my own laundry, shopping, paying my own bills, meeting my own basic needs), and to help others. For example, I don't want to be with someone who believes anyone down on his/her luck should be able to get out, and is lazy/unmotivated or otherwise at fault if he/she cannot get out of a bad situation. I also don't want to be with someone needy. Hard to define when a person is too needy, but basically when I start to cringe when he calls (again, 10th time today) or when he whines if I want to spend time with friends or just stay home alone, I wonder why he cannot occupy himself and why he is so insecure or afraid to be alone. A sense of humor is key because life throws a lot of garbage at us, and laughing is a great way to get through some of it. He has to be personally motivated as well. I have a 30 year old brother who can't hold a job, plays video games all day, and doesn't seem likely to achieve anything in his life anytime soon... so I can affirmatively say, don't want anyone like that in my life as a partner. And finally, I need to feel like he is a positive addition to my life. I should feel happy when I am with him, and he should feel the same. We should be able to have fun, support one another through tough times, and generally add to each other's lives. I don't maintain bad friendships, why would I maintain a bad or unhealthy relationship at this stage in my life? As lioness said, better to be alone!
I suppose it would be interesting to hear what qualities you are looking for in a woman, since it seems you might be having challenges in that area.
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zenobia
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 January 2010 04:09 am |
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yes, this is a really interesting topic! i hope it continues.
tourproven- you are a bit of a cynic (interestingly, something i tend to find myself attracted to in a guy). but anyway, no, it's not all about money or "the next best thing." i've left men with no one else in mind to date, i've never been too concerned about money (never been in my nature), but i have found that i'm somewhat lioness in that he should be self-sufficiant. i played the part of mother/lover/supporter before and it's not that great. oen of the reasons i left him was because of the intricacies of that type of relationship. now, there is an opposite extreme to the overbearing/desperately needy type, and that's just as bad. a guy and i broke up because he was too distant. really, what it is is that a two people need to find the balance that works for them. ok,, maybe i should lay out my BIG 6 (and no, they are NOT in order! sorry, it's just too difficult, i can't say "well, he's got 2 but not 5... ok" sorry--not gonna happen) ....
1. he has to let me have my independence and be independent also, much like what lioness was talking about. you have a life together, but if i want to go out for a night with my friends (or on my own), he doesn't freak out and i will be the same with him. i don't expect to like everything he likes and i certainly don't expect him to like everything i do. things just don't work that way (i.e. i like sitting at coffee shops or bistros for hours reading an he likes video games- i go to the coffee shop or bistro and he plays WoW, so it goes). i hate involving people in things that i like but they can't stand... you can just feel it... like i'm really really not interested in playing WoW, so i don't. it would just be miserable for the both of us. i don't demand that he hold my purse while i try on clothes, either  . we just meet up later....
2. he has to have enough in common with me to be able to hang out and have a good time, to laugh, to feel comfortable, to be able to do things together that you both enjoy and have an even better time becasue that person is sharing it with someone else who is appreciating it as well.
3. he has to be smart, but not condescending. almost nothing is worse than a person that thinks they cannot learn ANYTHING from you (and you should be able to learn something from them...) i guess (to sum that up) that would mean open-mindedness.
4. i ain't gonna lie- physical attraction. the lioness stated it nicely, so i won't detail it.
5. someone who will be strong for me and allow me to be strong for him. there is an understanding with the whole give and take thing. if i need to feel small and protected for a bit, he will let me (but he better snap me out of it if i get too used to it!), and if he needs to feel taken care of, then i will do that for him (and i will snap him out of it if it's becoming a lifestyle!)
6. Passion- AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT SEX!!!!. he needs to be able to get excited about things, to enjoy things about life, to be willing to share those things with me even if i normally would not give a rat's a$$ about it (because it's about seeing your partner excited and happy, which would hopefully make you happy, it works both ways) . and yes, for me, there must be some good sex (to want to have sex and have a good time... well, the majority of the time  ), but i think if you are passionate in life about something it makes everything better-- life in general is fuller if you care about something (now, a guy who is passionate about something negative that he cannot control, well, that's a different story and i have been there and done that... not cool). lol, and i guess this ties in with the open-minded thing as well.... 
but essentially, it's all fit into this equilibrium. too much of a good thing is still too much. passion is great, but i don't want to be a total workaholic (never liked the type that is more focused on their job than anything else). it's just finding this balance in a relationship. no relationship is perfect. sometimes you will over-compensate and hopefully your partner will do the same... but this is worked out deeper into the relationship and i guess if a people are willing to do that and to see that in the person they are with, then, i suppose it's a good fit
so i guess, from dating guys from different ends of the same, and different, spectrum, this is what i came up with. i have been married for 2.5 years-ish, and i think we have a good balance of these things. these are sort of the things i had in mind when i got married and have been articulated in my ideas since then.
and i would just like to add- 6 is a TOTALLY random number! 6 is a rough number to deal with. lol.
Last edited on 4 January 2010 04:33 am by zenobia
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MichelleP
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 25 March 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 685 |
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Posted: 4 January 2010 03:26 pm |
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The Lioness wrote: It's women being women. Women are very undecisive when it comes to men, and it can take ages for them to figure out what they want.
Women being women? Very undecisive when it comes to men and what they want from them? As a woman I really don't agree with that. I think most women know what they want from a man. For most of us it has nothing to do with money.
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The Lioness
Member
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Posted: 4 January 2010 04:50 pm |
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Well, take it from me, most women don't know what they want from men. Just because you know what you want, doesn't mean that every women (or most women for that matter) know what they want. If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many divorces, breakups, and children born out of wedlock.
Now, I will say that as women age, what they want in a man can become clearer. But women in general do not know what they want. Why do you think men complain about this so much?
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 January 2010 05:09 pm |
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I've been away from the site for a while, and thought I should chime in. I see there have been a few more comments on this topic.
I should tell you that I started this topic to simply pick your brains and figure out what you think the perfect guy is, so I can be concious of those attributes and be one myself. My cynical attitude, no doubt stems from my past relationship. 10 years with someone, then dropped like a stone, out of the blue.
I appreciate all the comments, it certainly helps me to point out all of my own faults that need some work. I picked 6 things because its the most I thought I'd get away with. If I could have said 20 things, I would have.
Zenobia, I probably like your response the best. I think it is honest, and sounds like something that I wanted to hear. I guess it sounded like the type of response that I would want my woman to think, but it also gave me a lot to go on. The Lioness, to me, sounded very similar to my ex, which at the time repulsed me (which is why I was perhaps a bit too much on the defensive to your responses). I think I'm finally as over my situation as I'll ever be. When i first asked this question I was only almost over (her). It's only been 3 years (I know thats like forever), but I think I am ready to move on. I've never had a breakup almost ruin me like this one has. I know I'm over it though because my thoughts are only on the future now, and not the past.
Mjremix asked what qualities I look for? Well thats an answer I've never put down on paper before. I guess I just have a mental image of the perfect woman for me in my head. When I think of the perfect woman, I mainly think of an emotional feeling towards her that I have, and more importantly...the emotional feeling she has towards me. That is paramount for me to all other aspects. Other aspects would include: a sense of humor, quirky and a bit daring (spontaneous). Attractive with at least one facial feature that I cant take my eyes off of (eyes, teeth, mouth, etc.). At least 5'6" (I'm 6'2"). Easygoing, loves animals, likes to laugh about things regularly, likes to spend all her time with me, loves movies, and can enjoy tennis or golf, loving, trustworthy, adventurous (without being reckless), and has a good head on her shoulders (common sense). Also very important is the ability to communicate feelings openly to me as needed (keep nothing bottled up). Oh, and I forgot to mention a non-smoker with no kids
Last edited on 4 January 2010 05:12 pm by tourproven
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Tontus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 January 2010 10:50 pm |
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tourproven wrote: ... and has a good head on her shoulders (common sense)...
Enjoy being single if that one's a deal breaker.
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 January 2010 03:28 am |
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| Tontus...now that's funny!
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sheltiemom
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 January 2010 07:51 pm |
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| This is a great thread! The only two cents I can throw in is that what I looked for in a man at 25 is completely different than what I would be looking for now at 45 (I must say that I'm NOT looking for a man--I found mine). The beauty of my marriage is that we both grew into people that are compatible. Does that make sense?
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Jennifer21201
New Member
| Joined: | 21 June 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 73 |
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Posted: 4 February 2010 07:01 pm |
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Relationships are reciprocal just like friendships. If you're looking for honest, trustworthy, fun friends then you need to try to be honest, trustworthy, and fun. Take your list of things that YOU want in a woman, and try to be those things. It's not about what women in general want, because 1. all women are, of course, different and 2. the focus should be on finding the right individual PERSON, not just finding a woman. You're looking in all the wrong places-- I could tell you everything I want in a guy, but it wouldn't matter because you're not looking to hook up with ME. Self-improvement and awareness and all of that is not only important for general happiness but also is the best way to find someone who's compatible with you. This is true if for no other reason than people in general are attracted to people who are confident in who they are and know themselves.
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Bri.K
New Member
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Posted: 7 March 2010 02:59 am |
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lol..fun topic!
1) Intelligence- Face it, good conversation should never start with, "So, wat MTV show do you like best.."
2) Ambition- Always striving for the best
3) Looks- not nec. his body, but a cute face is a must!
4) Empathetic/Open personality- don't discriminate, relate!
5) Romantic- love the mushy stuff
6) Funny- and I love to laugh!
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KristaK
New Member
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Posted: 25 June 2010 02:42 pm |
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1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Someone with same values
4. Good looks
5. Personality
6. outgoing but not cocky
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imagine
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 September 2010 02:10 pm |
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Intelligence
Sense of Humor
Ability to earn $$
A job/career
He's interesting & interested
Regularly exercises
Lucky for me, my hsb has all of the above.
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