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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 18 July 2009 08:53 am |
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so i have decided that it's about time for a new journal- a clean slate, if you will... sometimes you just need to start over... and i was tired of seeing the same old story over and over. i want this to be like the first time, but for the last time  .
so for those of you who may not know me and would rather save yourselves the pain of reading my old journal, i will give a briefing with bullet points, of course.
- I am 27 years old (i actually had to think about that. i tend to forget how old i am)
- I am a chick
- i am 5'5"
- when i first began the whole CPH business, i was around 140 lbs.
- i lost about 20 lbs in a few months and kept it off for about 2 years
- the best motivator for weight loss is a wedding dress (i got married in 2007 to a wonderful guy called "hubs" or "Mr. Zen")
- my lowest weight was 116
- my highest weight was about 160-ish
- i have issues with eating out of boredom and just because "it's there".
- i love red wine (specifically Pinot Noir)
- i am sort of a hippie
- i have my BA in English literature and i will be attending ASU to earn my Masters in the fall.
- one of my biggest pet peeves is when people misspell "a lot".
- my favorite author is Jack Kerouac
so now that that is out of the way, on to business...
i was considering starting this in the a.m., but i thought, why not now so i can set myself up all nice and proper for tomorrow. besides, i am more of a night person.
so i guess this is where i should list my goals... well, this is sort of a holistic thing- not just looking to lose weight (well, ok, that is a HUGE part of it) but to also treat my body with more respect and honor. i am trying to bring some balance into my little world. the reson i am starting this now at sort of a random time is because of school. i have a little over 5 weeks before i start and i want to make the most of what little free time i have left. i want my head to be clear and focused and my whole being to be energized. to do this, i need a major overhaul of my my habits and my way of thinking. i don't think i can make these changes over night, but hopefully 5 weeks will give me a decent start.
i am going to record my food. i'm torn on counting calories though. i do believe that lead to the problems i am up against now (i will probably write more about that later). on the otherhand, i think i am so out of whack that i don't even know what a proper portion size it anymore and i may need to do it until i am comfortable just going iwth the flow. but the key points are sticking to as much unprocessed food as possible and learnign to listen to my real hunger signals. and to not eat too little. it's about finding that balance...
as far as working out- i have come to realize that it HAS to be a daily thing for me. once i fall off the wagon, it's ages before i pick myself back up again. at least at first. in the last year, the longest stretch i have made is 3 days in a row. i used to workout every day. cardio and weights are a must.
if i can make it through one whole week, i can keep going. this is the third time i have attempted a decent sized weightloss and i don't ever want to have to do this again. i have to stick with it the whole way through, and when i do get to a happy place, i will hopefully have reached the point where it's a life style and i don't ever want to go back to treating my body like the way i am now.
another hurdle i have to leap over is that i started smoking again. i was clean for almost two years. Monday is the official start date for that one.
so i have yet to check my weight. i'm honestly super scared to. i really don't want to face it yet. i am going to work through this week and about next sunday i will step on the scale.
so if you guys are reading this REMIND ME! MAKE ME step on that scale! on sunday the 18th.
so tomorrow it begins. a workout and good food. the first 7 days are super rough. i will pull through. i'm sick of excuses. and for the roughest week, it's ok to find motivation in vanity. 
ok, thanks for listening.
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Integrity101
New Member
| Joined: | 16 July 2009 |
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| Posts: | 25 |
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Posted: 18 July 2009 06:09 pm |
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Good luck!!  . And i'm an undergrad so i also have an idea of how hard school and weight loss can be at the same time. 5 weeks should be enough to set you on the right track and get you started though!
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Sylphide
New Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 173 |
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Posted: 18 July 2009 07:58 pm |
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 Best of luck, Zenobia! I've read many of your posts over the years and I know, you're smart, strong and disciplined. You just needed the right moment in time and I'm thinking, this is it!
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 18 July 2009 10:21 pm |
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Hi Zen...this IS the 18th. Did ya weight yet?
hee hee....just kidding. I know you meant next Sunday.....I'll probably remind ya - cause I'm evil. Seriously good luck with a fresh start. Sounds good.
Last edited on 18 July 2009 10:26 pm by suenos
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 19 July 2009 01:44 am |
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| A new beginning, and new journey ahead with the master's program ahead and a fresh sense of balance. How wonderful. I feel inspired to do some inventory-taking and reset some goals myself. Thanks.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 19 July 2009 07:31 am |
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thanls for the encouraging words. ladies. my motivation is off and on, but i'm just going to ignore the "off" part and stay "on". i'm freaking out about school and things and this is going to be a difficult few weeks, i know it already....
oh, and thanks suenos where did july go? lol
so today i did really well. stayed at about 1500 cals and my work out was unpacking and putting up boxes all morning. it felt like a workout to me, at least...
i should have my workout room all put together by tomorrow night, so that will help a lot. also, i want to cut back my hours so i can spend some time in the library, preparing for school.
ok, early shift tomorrow. g'night!
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Scoobees
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 20 July 2009 10:13 pm |
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| Hey Zen! New diary - cool! Hope you're doing well!!
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 23 August 2009 11:15 am |
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Hey Zen,
School starting soon? Hope all's wall. I've been MIA myself...
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 26 September 2009 12:38 pm |
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Zen,
Btw, I just randomly discovered "Tangled up in Blue" by Dylan, which I'm sure you're familiar with. It's from his "Blood in the Tracks" album. There's something about this song that clicks with me. I've got to get Blood in the Tracks and listen to every tune - or at least youtube it them. I know it's one of his most well-know works...
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 29 September 2009 05:26 am |
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hey jack
yeah. i LOVE Tangled up in Blue. that was one of the first Dylan songs i fell in love with. and rolling stone. and rainy day women 3. lol. blood on the tracks is supposed to be one of his greatest works.
i'm thinking i will be back sometime this week. time will tell. :)
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 30 September 2009 01:14 am |
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zenobia wrote:
hey jack
yeah. i LOVE Tangled up in Blue. that was one of the first Dylan songs i fell in love with. and rolling stone. and rainy day women 3. lol. blood on the tracks is supposed to be one of his greatest works.
i'm thinking i will be back sometime this week. time will tell. :)
Hey Zen, cool, wow, you like that one? I was wondering if you would. Hey, do you like the Black Crowes? I bet you do. How about Jet? Perl Jam? I'm amazed how much I like Pearl Jam.
Take all the time you need coming back...I had to take a break for while, probably will again. I don't even really know why, except I felt like I was trying to impress people or something like that.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 30 September 2009 01:57 am |
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I'm actually not particularly well versed in black Crowes usic, but from what i do know, i really really like.
pearl Jam- i have a love/hate relationship with them. i love that "old woman behind the counter" song, and "better man" (the latter spoke to me during a very rough period in my life). sometimes they sound whiny, other times they have some really great social commentary going on....
lol- trying to impress people? what do you mean?
and yes. i am back now. i have decided officially to be back. i know i've said it before but the feeling struck, the time is right. a resonding NOW echoed through me and so Now it is.
i know it's weird... starting on a tuesday at 6 pm, but ambition strikes just when the mood is right, and the mood is right...
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 30 September 2009 06:46 pm |
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ok, so i have quit smoking (again) and am on the patch. this time i mean it! lol!
there is still bad food in the house and i just have to keep away. there is not a whole lot, but definately more than i would like. i'm distraught that they got rid of my soy milk at my grocery store- it was the only place i could find it. they don't even really carry a "light" soy milk. gggrrrrrr... walgreens stopped carrying my wraps, but i can find them infrequently at my grocery store. eh....
so i am going to be fully aware of my choices today. i need to avoid cheese and sugars (lay off the diet soda, too). i am going to work out today, but i'm not sure what- i think i'm going to start easy with the 20 min TJ. maybe do it twice if i can. starting on saturday, i'm going all liquid for a week- homemade protien smoothies with fruit, green tea, water, broth. just for 6 days actually. that means no alcohol, too. yay! i can just feel all of this #%@&! in me and i want a fresh start. my mom and step dad did it and they both really liked it. then follow a balanced diet from there out. i just need to get over these cravings, which have been awful, and i have been indulging in every single one of them for quite sometime. i just feel gross.
i am not going to weigh myself until the saturday after the upcoming one. i just don't want to know.
i do have a goal to get to around 125-130 by christmas. we are going back home and i can't go back looking like this. no way. i think if i really buckle down and don't screw off i will be able to do it. that's almost 3 months.
goooooo me!
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 September 2009 09:23 pm |
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Yay Zen! Welcome back! It will be good to see your posts again! 
And about not stepping on the scale..............
JK..............I haven't stepped on my scale since about mid-July! 
Actually, at first it was out of fear of what it would tell me...........and then I decided that I needed to concentrate on eating healthy food, and not worry about what the scale was telling me. I'm letting my clothes be the judge! And my clothes tell me that I've lost weight. I'm thinking that when I get into the next size down, I may..........might...........maybe...........step on the scale. But, not sure about that either. I don't want to start worrying about day to day fluctuations, and lose my focus on eating the good, healthy stuff!
Go Zen!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 30 September 2009 10:20 pm |
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Pat- thank you sooo much! i stopped by your journal and left you a note
ok, there are a few things i have to sort out.
first, i want to get my body back. i am more confident and it's just easier to be active! i'm a slug rlight now and i know i have put my body through #%@&! these last six months specifically and it's wearing me down ridiculously.
second, i need to clear my head. my mind is slow and i don't like it. not that i was a whip before, but my brain feels clogged and fuzzy all the time. i know it's becasue of my poor haibts i've gotten into.
third, i HAVE to lower my cholesterol. granted, it's high becasue of the wine and food, but also becasuee of some meds i was on, and it's just naturally high..
i think i'm going to be put on meds to kick start the cholesterol thing.
PROBLEM-- CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH THIS?
the one thing i seem to not know how to deal with is clearing my head. Are there foods or vitamins or anything that can help me in that department? I want to think clearer, i want to find my creativity, and i want to have less anxiety. is this something that can be helped by food? weird, i feel like i had de ja vous.... if i have asked this question before and have gotten an answer, i'm sorry for writing it again. i blame my slow brain
thanks guys! I'm soooo happy to be back!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 October 2009 01:05 am |
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I am soooooo glad you are back Zen!!! I really had slipped lately and wasn't eating the green stuff and slacking off on the workouts, plus adding the smoking, and yeah I felt like a blob, or a slug, or probably a blobby slug would be most accurate.
Good on ya for quitting the cigarettes. I can tell the difference when I run. I hope to take some inspiration from you.
Would love to know how school is going. And life in general.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 October 2009 03:11 am |
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Hey Zen.............I don't know about other supplements, but there is a great article on the Women to Women site. I tried to copy and paste parts of it here, but it wouldn't let me copy (not sure why, as I've done it with other articles, as you can see in my diary).
Anyway, if you have time, read this through.........many causes for it I see (Mine is from perimenopause, but I know it's listed as one of the symptoms of hormonal imbalance too) See the article for the other causes..........
http://www.womentowomen.com/fatigueandstress/fuzzythinking.aspx
Good luck figuring it out!
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 1 October 2009 03:57 am |
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Hey Zen, I'm not all that familiar with the black crowes either, or anything, but they have done a couple of tunes I like. One of my favorites is something like "Hard to Handle".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RchC6cNUAfE
A song I like by jet is "are you gonna be my girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAxUIjJrFKQ
As far as getting focused, I read about some kind of drugs which college students use to get ready for exams - I think it's ritalin or however that's spelled. There was an article in the New Yorker about it that I heard on NPR...wait a sec..here it is "The underground world of neuroenancing drugs"
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/04/21/the-new-yorker-on-th.html
I've never tried it myself. I'd recommend taking up tennis, or some kind of sport, because ultimately excercise is dull.
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Nancy_in_GA
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 October 2009 11:56 pm |
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zenobia wrote: PROBLEM-- CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH THIS?
the one thing i seem to not know how to deal with is clearing my head. Are there foods or vitamins or anything that can help me in that department? I want to think clearer, i want to find my creativity, and i want to have less anxiety. is this something that can be helped by food? weird, i feel like i had de ja vous.... if i have asked this question before and have gotten an answer, i'm sorry for writing it again. i blame my slow brain
I think stress is a big factor. Having a lot of things on your to-do list, or a lot of things on your mind, makes your (one's) thinking not clear and focused. Could that be it? Sometimes just taking a long walk somewhere away from your everyday environment helps.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 2 October 2009 05:57 am |
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Hey Zen...sooooo good to see ya postng again! I think we might be doing a role reversal because I have stuff I KNOW I need to work on right now in the food/exercise department and start keeping up my choices in my diary for accountability, but life has taken a turn for the crazies (yea, like that's new) and I'm not gonna add more to my plate to stress me out than I think I can handle. So I'm just deciding to do the best I can for now and go with the proverbial flow for the moment.
re the brain fog...I know the feeling and it sucks, been there a couple times...for me the causes are always the same are always the same; it's always a combination of too little deep sleep, too much stress, too many balls in the air, too many refned carbs, not enough Omega 3 and vit D, too much caffine and failure to daily meditate. My own personal recipe for fuzzy thinking, anxiety, fatigue.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 4 October 2009 07:04 am |
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thanks suenos. yeah, you know, it always really does come down to the basics. it seems so much i just don't really know where to start. i keep having anxiety attacks about school (had a presentation type thing that didn't go so well) and i am really questioning my even being in grad school. some serious stuff.
my head is just always sort of effed right now. anxiety, social anxiety, everything. i really thik i'm getting even more depressed than i was.
but, i guess to get better i actually have to do something about it. so yeah. tomorrow morning before work i am going to do a rough work out. see where i am at. i know it's gonna be pretty bad. i start a very short 6 day detox on monday- homemade protien shakes, just a good balance of liquids to flush my system. no, nothing super wierd... just try to cut the cravings. my folks did it and they really liked it. i might as well give it a whirl.
yes, i need my O-3s. no doubt about that.
the last tow days there was too much drinking, so i am going off for at least these 6 days. why go hrough all of that just to screw it up, you know? maybe get off this self medicating business.
good clean food, lots of water, and exercize. gotta get off of teh benedryl so i can get into some normal sleep habits (hopefully).
this first year back to school is just so much... i'm rediculously shy. i dn't speak in class. i know it's stupid, but it's just how it is. i really hope this will help to start to get things in order.
ok. so i just wanted to update. lol- i gotta get back to doing this daily. i also really want to learn about meditation. if only i could inhibit my left brain at will. i'm so very quiet, but my head doesn't like to shut up.
ok guys. thanks for listening. 
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 4 October 2009 03:30 pm |
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Hi Zen,
You definitely belong in grad school. It's obvious from your comments and your writing how widely read you are, and what an wonderful artistic bent you have. Trust me, there are millions of people less qualified that you who have gotten a Masters. You belong.
-- edited out most of the sermon, as I decided it was a bit too much of a sermon --
--JackLast edited on 6 October 2009 01:38 pm by jackbenimble
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 4 October 2009 03:43 pm |
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wow. thank you so much jack. i truely appreciate your kind words. i really really do. and you are right, it's really time to push it very hard. go all monk- follow routine. wake up and work. i enjoy it.
not much time. overslept by an hour this morning. i thnk the benedryl lasted longer tahn usual. wait. not, that would have been 6 hours- sleep at 1 wake at 7. i was mostly surprised that i didn't sleep later. but that means no workout. well, at least noght this morning. this afternoon might be a quick cat nap followed by a workout followed by a shower, followed by shopping followed by homework. bed at a decent time, then workout and homework tomorrow. oh, and work on meditation. still looking for a good resource on that. if anyone knows of anything good, let me know. maybe i'll check out more Depok (wrong spelling, but it's like Depok Chopra or something).
ok, off to work. i''ll be back latter. i want to suck up some energetic vibes today!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 October 2009 08:50 pm |
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Hey Zen,
Its a tough patch right now but thinks always seem their bleakest before they get better. Getting refocused is tough but a few "right" days under your belt and you'll have the momentum again. I'm not one to counsel anyone about drinking, but I do feel quite a bit more balanced and focused since I've moderated that habit.
Hope you hit on the right formula here. Anxiety/social anxiety suck. I have a keyboard and 2 guitars and a trumpet and never play in front of anyone. I panic in classroom type seminars where they go around the room and you have to tell everyone a little bit about yourself. However I do know the more often you do it that sort of thing gets less stressful each time.
Even though it makes you sleepy, the Benadryl may actually be adding to your anxiety, either on its own or by virtue of interfering with your natural sleep cycle/depth. Hopefully hard exercise, and right food will help you to a place where you don't need sleep aids.
Wishing you a great rest of the day and look forward to your updates.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 October 2009 01:55 am |
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so work and shopping done. got all the weird crazy stuff that i needed for this detox thing. i just need to get the fruit. #%@&!. i have to get that tonight. no big thing. i need to get something for dinner anyway.
i did pick up a bottle of wine, but i am not going to drink it. i don't know why i did. but it's tucked away in our little wine fridge- out of sight, out of mind. besides, i still need to workout tonight, and get some studying done. i want to feel productive this evening and have a productive day tomorrow. none of the fuzzies.
hubs went to watch the game at the local hangout. i wanted to stay home. it's a fend for yourself type night.
all the bad cereal is out of the house, but what did hubs pick up at my work when he picked me up? oreos. jerk.  lol. no big thing. i can keep away. as long as i don't take one, i will be fine. not having any wine in my system will really help with that.
so i need to figure out something for dinner. of course, i'm craving pizza. or chicken strips. i've been craving both for a while and it just won't go away. hopefully after the 6 days, the cravings will be out of me.
but, there is really no food in the house. i have some romain but no meat. and nothing fancy- just a mix, if you can call it even that. so a side salad with whatever i decide on for dinner. ok.
ugh. off to the grocery store... i'm sick of going there. well, i could go to pei wei- there stuff is surprisingly healthy. but it just sounds kind of gross right now.
and thanks for stopping by! i really love the comments- especially right now
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 October 2009 02:57 am |
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wow. i forgot how easy and tasty it was to make your own pizza. i had mini wraps for the crust, i had chicken in the freezer that i forgot about, 'shrooms and onions, seasoning, trader joe's pizza sauce (which is AMAZING!).... but the only kicker was having full fat cheese. yeah. i know. i gotta get my fat free stuff again. but it wass waaaaaaaaaaaay healthier than what could have happened if i ordered pizza from my favorite pizaria, or even bought a frozen store one. i must have saved at least 100 cals on the crust alone.
i totally forgot about my Forman grill, but when i was doing up the chicken, it was like a flash back to when i used to count cal religulously. it was like, man, i used to to do this like every day- i even measured my food. thinking about it, it's really pretty easy. i can do this.
yay for NSVs!!!! i totally felt really really good that i dind't give in. very happy with myself about that. w00t!!!
now i want to learn something about meditation :)
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 5 October 2009 05:18 pm |
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depok chopra - man I can't tell ya how much I got out of "discovering" him 2 years ago...opened up a whole new way of thinking....highly, highly reccommend checking him out!!!!
I love that you made your own pizza, cause I was reading the post where you said you wanted pizza and I was thinking how we make our own all the time with no-carb tortilla wraps and the next post you said how you did make your own and I had to smile..but you know I don't think it's a big deal about the "low fat" - actually I'm anti low fat - when they take the fat out of food they almost always add sugar....fat is naturally saitiating so you'll feel full and satisfied on a smaller amount than on an equal portion of something that's (artifically) "low/no" fat anyway.
Jack's advce to you was awesome....you can tell he's a good daddy...and he's so right about you belonging in grad school!
man, I used to be painfully shy and public speaking was so hard for me that I ended up almost flunking my "Speech" class (don't laugh) because I always choked when I had to make my stupid little speeches, seriously I eeeked out a "C" based on my written speeches (and the fact that I bawled my eyes out in the hallway to a sympathetic young male prof)...anyway, he gave me some advice along the lines that nobody knew I was shy or uncomfortable unless I acted shy or uncomfortable - and if I pretended to be confident and assured in those situations that's what my audience would see. Sounds simplistic but it worked and after awhile I actually, slowly became the confident, assured public speaker I was pretending to be.
sending you all kinds of postive vibes and thoughts and rainbows and good wishes girl! And I wanna hear all about that detox thing
oh, almost forgot: the sleep thing. I think it's a generational thing in part. seriously, I struggle with getting enough sleep too, and it's not (if I'm honest about it) always about my weird schedule, a lot of times it's about just not really wanting to go to bed and most of my friends are the exact same way - like even when we're sleepy, or tired, or have stuff that we need to be super alert for the next day - it's hard to just say "day's over" and go to friggin bed. But almost every older relative I have (like 40's/50's) have no problem going "oh, it's 11 o'clock, bedtime" and lights out. So there's hope.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 October 2009 10:59 pm |
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hello all!
thanks for stopping by suenos. on depok- i actually bought two of his books, but didn't get through them. i need to find them again for sure.
Suenos- did depok write anything on instructional meditation? i kinda need to learn how to do it. i mean, i pick things up here and there, but it seems like i am missing something to get it to really click. i'm not saying i'll have it down instantly, but just more on teh how-to part. i tried it a bit last night- let thoughts enter my head and just be completely objective about them. don't think about them, don't judge them, don't engage with them... just watch. well that landed me picturing a bunch of people walking on the side walk and i just observing. i dunno if that's what heppens, but that's where i went.
i stayed away from the wine last night, did some homework (though not nearly enough), but again failed to work out. i have ambitions of doing it tonight. heck, can i even say I WILL do it tonight...? why not. i will do it tonight.
started the detox today. man, shopping yesterday felt like a scavanger hunt. i went to GNC and Sunflowers. the weirdest stuff is on the list...
chlorophyll, psyllium husks, aloe vera juice, cascara sagrada caps... aparently it's a lot of laxative type things along with stuff that supposedly heals your digestive tract. the first day is going alright. smoothies for my meals, juice and broth for my snacks...
i can have fruit on the 4-6th days.
i'm not sure what comes after the 6 days. lol- best to focus on the task at hand, then worry about the rest. hopefully i will feel better than i have been for the last year.
i actually took a speech class as an undergrad. by the end of the course, i got "most improved". i used to be pretty decent in high school (well, when reciting), but then i got out of practice i guess. but then i think it was more than that. i just sort of changed and crawled up into myself at some point. i think i really started to become more self conscious and sort of sabotaged myself. the effects are hitting me now, particularly hard. and it just seems like my brain isn't all there. i hope i can really work on healing it.
ok, well i will update later i'm sure. thanks again everyone. i really really appreciate everything you guys say nad i really take it to heart.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 6 October 2009 06:04 pm |
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well, i actually tried to do that last night- the "day's over time for bed thing". it took me about an hour and a half to make it to bed, but i did it without benedryl. harder to fall asleep and woke up a few times through the nihgt, but i did get some sleep, so that's not too bad.
i didn't workout AGAIN. i know i know...... i just gotta make myself do it. but hey, a good day of following the detox is motivational, even though it is a pain in the #%@&!.
i will modify is slightly today because i will be on campus for some hours and nothing to carry a smoothie in. so i will sub a piece of fruit- probably an apple- instead. it can't be that much different than some blended strawberries anyway, and any smoothie i might buy at jamba juice is probably going to have additives and preservatives and other #%@&! i don't really want right now.
so, off to class, try not to be all full of anxiety and get through the day.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 7 October 2009 04:36 am |
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Hey Zen,
I have an idea for motivation - get married again! Just a thought :)
Hope you had fun in school...
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 7 October 2009 10:33 pm |
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hey jack! i know, i tease hubs about it. it would be nice to go back home and fit in my wedding dress again though. i don't think at this point i will be able to get to where i was by then, but it's something to shoot for!
school.... well, the day passed quietly. i got a response from my prof. about he presentation. a B. considering how concerned i was about it, i guess that's not so bad. like you Jack, i have trouble thinking on my feet.i couldn't articulate why i didn't like a particular article. i'm not sure what kind of problem that is....
well, i'm getting tired of smoothies. it did kill any craving i had for ice cream though. honestly, the two things i miss right now are 1 (and this is wierd)- a roast beef and Gorgonzola sandwich and 2- wine. though right now, not the wine so much. last night i really really wanted a glass, but i stayed in (hubs went to the bar) and i stayed home. i was really really depressed last night for some reason. i left the bottle in the minifridge and i'm happy i did.
surprisingly, i feel like i have some energy. not sure if that's from not having any benedryl for the last few nights or if it's from the actual detox itself.
oh, the detox seemed to have really started to kick in this morning. and that's all i will say about that.
so i have to do another presentation for a differnet class at the end of the month. i really hope that this one goes better than the last. i reallyjust need to be really prepared. i also have a paper due around the 22nd. i haope i havn't lost what skill i had at writing academically. it's been a very long time. maybe i can wow my prof. with my writing- maybe that can make up for everything else. i actually passed a history class my first year of undergrad based on my writing (yeah, i didn't show up all of the time). granted, that was by undergrad history standards, but it helped with my self confidence in that. i don't know. i've had criticisms and i've had praise. we'll see what comes of it through this semester.
oh, on another note, i talked to my mom and she said that i am not supposed to do anything moderate or higher for exersize. these 6 days are supposed to be easy days. i have no idea how many calories i have been ingesting, but it really can't be that much. yesterday was really low since i missed a smoothy and had half an apple instead. i'm gonna guess the average is around 1200 cals. now, i'm pretty sedentary at this point so i don't know how much i am at a deficit, but it's gotta be soemthing. oh, i'm also on my week before, so i still feel bloated. my salt intake is pretty minimal.
i guess that's all for now.
Last edited on 8 October 2009 12:59 am by zenobia
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 8 October 2009 01:08 am |
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day 3 of detox is half way done. mom said that for her, the cravings went away by the end of day two. not so much for me. i'm longing for the texture and taste and warmth of real food.
i'm still concerned about how things will go after these 6 days. looking back, i seem to do pretty well on strict setups like these for short periods of time. well, since i first got healthy then fell off the wagon. when i'm on my own, i'm not so good. it's basically like i can't screw up. like today, i certainly could have a roast beef sandwhich. nothing is stopping me really, but i am sticking this through. strangly enough, a large part of this detox is to see the effects on my thinking. of course, there is the whole getting my cholestrol and my weight down aspect. christmas is coming fast and i need to focus on this waistline. i might do this detox thing again before we leave.
3.5 more days of this, then salads? whole grains? lean meat? non binging? could this be the answer to this old problem of mine? maybe after a break of healthy eating, see where a week takes me, then do the carb cycling again? i don't know if i want to do that while i am in school though. it made my thinking cloudier than usual.
i don't know what it is, but there is something about a "diet" or "detox" or "menu plan" set p by someone other than myself that seems to force me to stay "good"- at least, stick to it for a relatively small period of time. 6 days is perfect for this. i am wondering if i could do something like FLFI or soemthing, though it seems that there isn't much room for divergence on that plan. hard to do life on....
well, we'll see what happens...
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 8 October 2009 03:57 am |
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Heya Zen,
Congrats on the B. That's a passing grade. I think you're gonna do fine once you get back in the swing of things.
Btw, whatever the "detox" is, it sounds likes it's working.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 8 October 2009 11:14 pm |
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hey jack!
yeah, a B is not the end of the world. i'm really hoping to get into my swing soon :)
day three of detoxx over and i am past the half way mark. it's getting easier now. see, i just have to keep in mind that the third day is the worst and it gets better from there. still looking forward to the end of it though. i'm really missing salads!! lol. in fact, i was watching Alton Brown and he was doing Ceasar salad and i swear i was drooling.
today i did get to eat fruit whole. yay! i missed chewing! pineapple it was and it was yummy.
i've got a lot of homework coming at me for the rest of the week, so i will be busy, hopefully keeping my mind off of food.
i really want to go out tonight, but i won't. four days in and i am not going to turn back now.
still already dealing with what is going to happen after. i really think i need to do some highly structured limiting plan. if i can keep this only eating a bit every few hours up, i think it will help.
i'm excited to start working out again, too. i really really want this weight to come off and get decent. i wanna fit in my winter clothes properly!!!! almost at two months. i'm not sure if i can do 20 lbs in that time, or if it will get me to where i wnat to be (i have no idea where i am at right now) but as long as i am better than wehre i am now, i will be happy. i think we are planing on leaving for MN on Dec. 17th, so i have till then. gotta keep my eyes on the prize.
the office is on tonight- Pam and Jim get married!!! w00t!
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MidgeH
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 October 2009 02:15 am |
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Hi Zen. Re the sleep thing (quote isn't working for me for some reason)
I think you are right about the generational thing. I'm 39 and at 10 ish I start getting ready for bed, at 10:30 I'm in bed at 10:40 I am asleep. No problem whatsoever. However in the 20's into my mid 30s I wouldn't go to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning on a regular basis even when I had to go to work.
Just one day, snap, I put myself on a schedule.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 9 October 2009 05:30 am |
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Hey Midge,
I have to admit, I've never gotten the hang of a regular schedule, despite being at the ripe old age of 52. I do think I am getting better at not going past 1 a.m., usually I'm in bed by 12 or 12:30.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 9 October 2009 07:30 am |
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thanks for stopping by guys!
yeah, the whole going to be at a decent time has never worked for me. my internal clock doesn't really exist. it might not help that i've been on a funny work schedule and/or being in school for the last 15 years...
day 4 of detox done. hubs had to really really talk me out of going out tonight. wsn't doing so well this evening and really wanted to blow off some steam. like really really badly. but i didn't and again, i'm happy i didn't.
i finally told him my concerns about grad school. it's really hard to talk to him about because i really care what he thinks and i've always seen him as the really smart guy, and he is, but anytime i start to question that sort of stuff, i freak out because i don't want to look like i have failed or that i am giving up or something. sometimes i really don't feel good enough for him. he did say he feels really out of his element too, and he has the same fears and he's just pushing through and hoping for the best. he said to just take it one semester at a time, it's just the first semester. yes, i realize that, but it's other people's first semester too and i just feel really really out of my element and if i don't get soemthing to justify my being here soon, i'm gonna go pretty low. so we'll see what happens. one semester at a time...
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 9 October 2009 08:26 am |
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meat meat meat meat meat. i miss meat.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 9 October 2009 08:12 pm |
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ok, day four down, 2 to go!!! It considered skipping the cleansing part of the regimine this morning, but i figured why not. might as well do it, besides all the ingredients for it was not cheap, so i should probably get my money's worth out of it.
so i haven't been followng excatly, and apparently that will screw everything up, but whatever. this is doing a good job of keeping me out of the bar and away from junk food or overeating.
so i did end up taking benedryl last night. it totally sucks. yeah, i don't want to use it unless i absolutely have to. i had trouble catching my breath, my muscles kept sort of spasming... not cool. very uncomfortable for a while before i finally fell asleep. i'm glad i did take it so at least i know. i aso feel a bit more tired today than i have in the last few days. yeah, no more benedryl for me.
so, off the plan on sunday, which i work. i am going to be good though. well, i might go out. we'll see how i am doing.
k. the day is going by too fast... doesn't help when you wake up after 11...
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 10 October 2009 09:50 am |
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day 5 over though i'm not in bed yet. i accidentally had some stevia with some tea today. oh well, i don't think it's going to make much of a difference.
still have trouble catching my breath today. yuck
homework all day tomorrow. can't wait for it to be over. i'm actually looking forward to work on sunday. just doing something i know so very well and can kind of zone out when i am there.
other than that, saw Paranormal Activity today. it was decent.
thinking of working out some sort of carb cycle that i can live on. but i don't know if that's ok to do when you want to drop 20 lbs.. i know i did it when i just wanted to drop a few and tone up, but now, not sure. i would hope it would at least help with the cravings aspect, keep me on a strict cycle....
anyway, that's all for now, i guess
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 10 October 2009 09:04 pm |
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so i could not sleep last night. finally fell sometime after 4. woke at 10, but still feel good. much better than i did yesterday. i didn't realize how bad those benedryl were really treating me.
last day of detox thank god. went shopping and got a lot of my staples from back in the day.
i am thinking that i am not going to be bringing any cash to work. i want to stay off of the carffine and i don't want to end up buying food for lunch. this will force me to make my own lunches. there will be relatively no temptation at work.
i think i might stick with the protien shakes for breakfast though. it seems to treat me well. i also like the going beack to eating every 2-3 hours, it really seems to help keep me on track. i want to go sort of low carb tomorrow, so steak salad, soy crisps, and veggies are on the menu. also an apple, but that is for energy. i will probably bring an apple and soy crisps to school, so i don't end up getting food on campus and don't starve.
i just want to get through this day on on with the rest of my weightloss in a more normal sort of way, though we may end up going out tomorrow. i want to go sort of early because i don't want to be out all night and fell like total #%@&! on monday. no bar food either.
workout tomorrow, too!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 October 2009 10:59 pm |
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| You sound like you are gaining traction yourself there Zen. Happy for you. : ) Stay focused on a making a steady transition from the 'detox' to the 'new normal' and don't get derailed by dinner out tomorrow evening! Steak salad sounds wonderful! So does working out!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 11 October 2009 03:17 am |
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yeah, that's the hard part- the transition from detox to normal. i'm sort of working on that. i don't want to eat at the bar tomorrow and i want to keep my cals relatively low for the day. 700-800 for the day, then do cardio, then go out. i will eat something light before going. i don't want to be out late by any means so i am not worthless on monday.
i'm thinking i will do TJ 20 min workout tonight. i seem to have a lot of energy and i'm pretty cagey feeling. hubs might go out, so i will need something to occupy my time. since i'm having a helluva time concentrating on anything having to do with school at this point, might as well be productive in other areas.
oh man, i said something really stupid on the discussion boards for my class and there is no "edit post" option. soooooo embarrassing... i did go back and correct myself, but man, it was just really stupid-- like did i even read the selection??? gah. totally embarrassing. it doesn't' help to be the wuiet one in class, either. i know i will be stuck with some of these people for the rest of my time here... hopefully i will come out of my shell soon.
i think a big part of the reason i have a hard time speaking in class is because i have a difficult time articulating my thoughts. i have a theory about this. ok, on those tests that tell you if you are right brained or left brained, i usually get pretty close to the middle (though with right-brained tendencies). so what i am wondering if it's like this battle going on where i can't really listen to either side, it's a big old train wreck in there and i'm trying to pick apart the pieces to put something cohesive together. maybe also why i can't really concentrate all that well a majority of the time. also wondering if it's why i have a harder time retaining information- like i'm not paying attention all that well because my mind tends to wander and i don't really focus.
now when i am talking to people, well, listening rather, on a one on one basis, i can listen to the person talking and concentrate, particularly if the person is venting, or telling a story, know what i mean? i'm a good listener in that aspect. but in school, it's trying to take abstract issues and think about then logically... two sides of my brain are going off and i can feel these ideas forming and i know i've got soemthing, but when trying to put it out there, i freeze and i find it hard to articulate exactly what the idea is. so i have the abstract idea coming, trying to filter it through logically, and it's like trying to hold on to too many things at once.
now, hear me out, when i have had a few drinks, things flow out easier. i don't know if that's because the left brain is inhibited by the alcohol, so it sort of clears up the traffic jam. i'd say 98% of the posts that i have written here that have gotten a lot of positive feed back, as in "wow, that's really brilliant" or "what a neat way to look at it" or "very insightful", i have had a few glasses of wine. this is NOT to say that i want to be constantly drunk, this is just an example. I'm not going to start going to class sloshed, or write my papers with a bottle in me .
i don't know if this theory holds water, but it's a guess.
If anyone knows anything about psychology or the science of how the brain works in this respect, any info would be greatly appreciated.
thanks guys!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 11 October 2009 04:37 am |
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ok, i am so freaked out about stepping on the scale. seriously freaked out. i keep posting that i want to lose 20lbs, but what if it's more... gah.... i'm on my TTOM now and i refuse to step on the scale now. and at night time. i never do it. ever.
i mean, if it's more, i'll just keep working at it, but i really really am hoping to be really close to where i was last year and i'm scared that i won't be. just having a flash of fear right now... sorry. i just really hope the max i am at is 145. i really hope that is it. 20 lbs would get me so close to perfect for me. it would be great.
and the other thing that concerns me is that i am much more sedentary than i was before because of school. I'm only on campus for 2 days a week and i'm sitting most of the time that i am there. i only work 1 day a week, too. so i've got to get more movement into my day than just working out. i am walking to the store more now that it's not like being on the surface of the sun here, but is that enough? i have to figure out ways to get bits of activity in my day, especially since things are going to be getting very intense for school soon.
my RMR is about 1350, even sedentary, it's only at around 1500... i suppose keeping my cals at my RMR and working out might still do the trick. can i work in an hour of working out every day? yeah, i think i can.
ok, plan of attack for tomorrow:
Breakfast- protien shake- 200 cals
snack- soy crisps- 120
lunch- steak salad 300?
snack- apple-120
come home, shower, have a wrap- 130
total- 900 (about)
including a work out and work, i should be fine to go out.
tuesday:
Breakfast- shake-200
lunch, wrap-130, soy crisps-120
snack- apple- 120, soy crisps- 120
8-3 pm (700 cals)
dinner, ??
keep cals at 1350.
wednesday- study at library... keep money at home. bring food. will figure that out later.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 11 October 2009 02:48 pm |
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Hey Zen,
I'm glad to see you're posting consistently again. I think it helps you to keep track of where you are, what you're doing, what you're shooting for, see your progress.
Also, congrats on sticking with this food plan. It takes self-discipline, which I suspect is neither of our strong points.
It's really interesting to read your thoughts on articulating an idea, the left brain vs. right brain thing and all that, how drinking wine clears up the traffic jam. It reminds me how when I was learning french, when I would go to bars and stuff, how much easier it was to converse in french than normally = I wasn't thinking about it, it was just happening. Similarly, when I'm mad enough that my inhibitions go away, I am more eloquent and forceful - I don't care anymore.
But, as you say, it's not really worth it to get drunk or go around #%@&! off all the time to do that. I think we just have to learn to deal with reality. For example, eventually I got pretty good at french in normal scenarios
Part of the problem about being a human being is that we can think about ourselves. This can lead to all sorts of confusing things. Like for example, yesterday I played tennis, which I haven't been doing regularly since it's been raining. It was windy and I just couldn't seem to find a comfort level. I believe that part of it was that I was thinking too much about the mechanical aspects of my game. I need to reduce that temptation to try out a bunch different things, and limit it to one or two at a time. There was a very famous book called "Zen and the art of Tennis" which talked about this concept. Ridiculously enough, I actually read a book which was sort of a counter-argument to this, a Freudian analysis of how to play tennis. It made no sense at all.
In the end, to achieve a goal, I believe it is best to regard it as a skill, and attempt to improve on that skill. This way you are focused on what has to happen to achieve the goal, rather than all the other distracting stuff. I think this is called behavioral conditioning, something along those lines. You're invoking all your resources into that goal - the right brain, the left brain, the conscious, the subconscious, the id and the ego and the super-ego - whatever - your getting all those bad boys lined up and on the same page, working toward it.
The big problem for me is keeping the goals limited. That's a skill I need to work on!
Btw, sorry again for hijacking your thread - again!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 11 October 2009 03:19 pm |
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hijack away, jack!
yeah, i think that is really what i am trying to do, to work on it, but i think i just like to find the source of the problem. i was also thinking about going to talk to a dr. about it, but my insurance is gone now that i am a student.... though i should probably make sure, just in case. they are usually pretty uptight about that- once you drop below certain hours, you lose it, as far as i know. maybe, just maybe, i have it through the rest of the year?
oh, eic fail tis morning. couldn't sleep until well after 3. to work out, had to get up at 6. yeah. that didn't happen....
nap is sooooo in order after work...
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 12 October 2009 05:21 am |
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| wow, I'm blown away by how you managed to dissect the "hows" of your thinking to help you get to the "why's"....maybe your ability to fully grasp the abstract, even if you have problems trying to filter/fit/organize it into logical, concrete "sound bites" is part of the reason you're so incredible creative - you seem to actually "see" abstract concepts in a way I think I envy...I can't explain why, but I think there must be a strong connection to that ability to think in the abstract and your artistic nature.....I say that because I know I'm not in the least creative/artistic/muscially inclined/etc. - and I also know that I tend to not really "see" the abstract, but when I do sense it, my mind sorta automatically dismisses it to focus almost entirely on the concrete. I think you'll get it sorted through - and end up a true force to be reckoned with. You constantly amaze me with your mind....I'm jealousing.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 13 October 2009 03:42 am |
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hey suenos. thank you for the compliments . i really hope things will work out alright. sort of considering nixing grad school and doing something with social work. i dunno. just a thought.
yesterday was a failure. i ended up coming home from work because i broke out into a cold sweat and i thought i was going to pass out. i'm thinking it had to do with the little sleep the night before. so i slept for 4 hours and felt loads better. we then went out to say goodbye to a friend who's moving out to CO. after, we went to our regular joint and yes, i did have bar food . chicken strips and fries. bad bad bad. and lots of wine. and two beers. i was gone. i ended up talking to this random old guy forever and was totally "that girl". oh well. i was drunk.
today has been recovering. hubs wanted to go out for breakfast, but i wanted to account for my cals so i said we should just eat here. i had home made pizza and a salad. then i had some fig newtons and a kashi br. stayed away from the oreos . i'm gonna guess around 900 cals for the day. very inactive today, too. yuck. still gonna have something for dinner, but i don't know what. i would also like to get a workout in this evening, since i didn't yesterday.... stupid, i know
Going to a concert tomorrow, definitely going to drink.
i guess that's it for now.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 13 October 2009 01:06 pm |
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Hey Zen,
Well, good move not going out for brekky. I like the idea of counting calories, I'm just starting in on it. How cool you would take the time to talk to an old guy at a bar. I like that.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 13 October 2009 03:53 pm |
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ugh, don't you hate it when your rational long term mind plans A and your "in the moment" minds just does its own thing? Struggling a bit with that myself at the moment so I feel ya!
Oh, and I'm totally "that chick" sometimes...I love talking to old guys (and Lord knows they sure do like to talk)...well I mean if we're talking about truly old guys (like grizzled vets or something with great stories and life wisdom and that weird, off beat sense of humor they usually have --- i.e. quote from a really, really old guy I was talking to the other day "my wife is going in for surgery on her knee, she's diabetic so they may have to amputate, then I'll have to call her "IHOP"... those old guys, yea. Unless you're talking about just creepy old guys who aren't really that old - just kinda predatory and sad (um, think Jon of Jon & Kate + 8 fame).
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