Sara's diet journal - My Diary - Post Your Diary On-line - Individuals

Weight: 61,2kg

So I should be overjoyed but it is not under what I have been yet. Sadly. And also because the Summer Challenge weigh-in is in 2 days and I would like to have lost.

I don't think I will run today but that should be ok since I ran friday and saturday, but then I must run tomorrow, which is my birthday btw :shooting_star:

Eaten today:

1 orange

1 apple

2 tiny bananas

a little bit of raisons

So so far so good. Its 10 to 11 and I woke at 9 something. I have things to do, like homework. But I should clean a bit first. I can't work in a mess. Which is quite hard since I love to make a mess, and I am bad at clearing it up! I might just play some Sims 3 first though.

sqzee
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Posted: 1 August 2009 05:54 pm

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I have not had internet so I obv. haven't been able to write here. I prob. won't have internet tomorrow either, for now I have 2 hours more.

I did not weigh myself this morning because I am trying to only weigh once a week. We will see how that goes. My weight had been everywhere so I am not sure what I should believe so lets see in a week.

Personally I think my eating has been ok these past 3 days. But I have not exercised, not run at all. I should tomorrow, but 'should' doesn't mean 'do'. We will see. I am cutting myself some slack because I am working on a school project and this is the last vacation I will be seeing in a long time.

My weightloss is so slow. But I can and will not let that get me down. School is in 9 days :shock:

So...ah! I have no idea what I should feel about school, I know I am really scared. But we shall see, wait wait wait, and be repared for everything and anything I guess.

sqzee
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Posted: 3 August 2009 08:05 am

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Hola amigos :tongue:

!

I am at my mom's work to get my internet fix, since it is STILL not working at home :angry:

Anyway, food has been ok, although I have been snacking a lot at night, but I feel I have been good at my veggies and fruit. Still no exercise but I actually think I will go today when I get home. I have found a running program to get me to 10km instead of '5' which is not even what I can do, I can do 30mins but it is not 5 km... It says run 10mins walk 2 run 10mins walk 2 for the first day. That should be managable. Although I might just go for another 10 mins after but we will see. Maybe the program can keep me accountable. And maybe I can start to experience the same successful feeling I felt when I just started running and was improving every time. I want to be comfortable at 30mins.

I have still not weighed myself and it feels strangely... liberating? But at the same time I like to keep track and see if I am doing right or wrong and also the thrill of losing. But is the thrill of losing worth being upset when I gain? I was thinking I would wiegh myself tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Which means I have avoided like 3-4 days of not weighing. Go Sara :wink:

My goals should be focused around the exercise but I am really not feeling into it. Should I force myself though? I probably should.

I still feel kind of fat. And a bit depressed over having been fatter. I also must come to accept the fact that my weightloss is slow because I let myself have some of the things I crave. I really wonder what normal-weight people do. People who are naturally slim and eat when they are hungry and not when they aren't. What a problem-free life they must have. Ok, maybe not, but I just can't imagine having such a normal relationship with food. Even though the last couple of days have been good. I haven't been stressed about food that much and I have been more relaxed. Good for me.

I also realized that I have just 7kg to go. Which is like insanely little! At least now I think it is. In my head I had 10kg there still, I guess because my goal from the very beginning was 10kg, and then I reached it and went for 10kg more but didn't realize I had lost the 3 already. Well I did, but not conciously untill today. Only 7 kg more. It is almost uptainable :shock:

sqzee
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Posted: 4 August 2009 11:10 am

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Mwuah!

Weight: 60,6kg!

Wow, I really needed that loss. So happy. Yesterday was bad. Yesterday evening, my relationship to a good friend was just ruined, but now all I can do is look forward. Anyway, nice to have lost even without exercise and with the things I like to eat. I am quite impressed although a little worried that some of it is dehydration.

I'm watching Jamie Oliver, I love that guy :smile:

Especially young Jamie, I love Oliver's Twist.

I am going running in a little bit. I was thinking I would run 10 walk 2, run 10 walk 2 and then run 10 again if I am up for it, if not 5. (this is minutes we are talking about here) My food should be digested, I ate at 11 something.

My BMI is now 23,7. And with my weight today I have just 5,6kg to my ultimate goal. Which is really making me doubt my ultimate goal, but again again let's see when we get there. 5 kg might just do the trick, and they might not but it will take time to get them off so there is no point in thinking about that now.

I should also write in my diary (my real diary :wink:

). Make some plans to keep myself in check. Plans that do not involve weightloss :tongue:

Maggie
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Posted: 4 August 2009 05:08 pm

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Hi Sqzee

Love your enthusiasm. Good plan to run 10 and walk 2.

For me I am going to run 2 and walk 10...well it's a start.

Every little bit helps.

Cheerio

Maggie

sqzee
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Posted: 5 August 2009 09:57 am

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Running: :thumbsup:

R10min W2mins R10mins W(around 15-20mins) R10mins W(15-20mins) R3mins

So all in all pretty good with the running. A total of 33mins of running and 30mins of walking.

I haven't weighed myself today, yah for me! I think I will go another couple of days. I woke up late yesterday and it kind of mixed up my eating, not in a bad way but I am not hungry when I should be and not sure when to eat/when not to. Today as well, I woke at quarter to 11 and ate and now its almost 12 but I'm not sure when to eat lunch. I will force myself to get up at 9 tomorrow.

Unfortunately we are running low on fruits and veg but hopefully when my mom gets home we can go buy some. Maybe some of those lovely oranges that we have been buying lately :shock:

! Suddenly being on a diet is not so hard :wink:

! No but the oranges are really good. And we need apples and pineapple, carrots and cucumber. Tomatoes.

sqzee
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Posted: 6 August 2009 08:59 am

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I am switching back and forth between really wanting to run and not wanting to go for a run at all. I just ate because I woke at quarter to 10 and its now 20 to 11. So I'll have to wait for a while. And then have to run in the hottest mid-day sun because it has to be before 2 because I am going to a friends house at 2.

My running program says another walk 2 run 10 walk 2 walk 10. So I'll do what I did last time and add another 10. Food has been ok today:

1 roll with butter

1 orange

1 apple

Yesterday I snacked too much at night but I am trying to get a normal sleeping rythm so that should control the snacking for tonight. I'm not sure what I will be eating at my friends house but she said I could bring healthy snacks. I haven't weighed myself today either, so that's really good, but I can't decide when I should weigh myself again. In two days maybe because then it was 4 days ago. Let's hope for a loss like always.

sqzee
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Posted: 6 August 2009 07:19 pm

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Running: :thumbsup:

R10 W2 R12 Wfor I don't know how long R11

Food: :thumbsdown:

I went to a friends house and ate too much. Then I came home and ate too much... Kind of bleh. Very much bleh.

sqzee
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Posted: 7 August 2009 09:41 am

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So... New day! Still haven't weighed myself... Which is prob good because I prob gained from yesterday! But I think I will weigh myself tomorrow. Today so far:

1 orange

some apple

strawberries

1 ricecake

some pasta

some candy

Bdr. So not that good. Need to stop the sugars and the pasta. I can eat lunch in an hour or so if I want. Woke up at 9 today, so slowy easing into normal sleeping rythm with eating times were they should be. School starts monday and have to figure out what I want with me as a snack. No exercise today, but the plan is for a run tomorrow. I do hope I have lost. At least 200g would be really nice but let's see, I'm not so sure.

sqzee
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Posted: 8 August 2009 01:00 pm

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Argh. I fail

Weight: 60,8kg :up_arrow:

Running: :thumbsdown:

What is with that?! I don't run for 5 days I lose 1 kg, I actually DO get exercise and I GAIN? Does not make sense... I don't feel like running today, not at all, it'll be some other day. Food today:

Pineapple

ricecake

sugarfree hard candies

butternut sqaush soup

1 orange

cashews

So it's not looking good. No wonder I have gained. I have to get back on track.

School the day after tomorrow. Shock horror. I might be seeing friends tomorrow, and my plan was to bake cupcakes for them (and me) because I really feel like baking. I'm even baking bread now. Adr I don't know. I'm craving sweet things and comfort food. Really craving! I don't know what to dooooo...

sqzee
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Posted: 9 August 2009 08:32 pm

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Ok, ew ew, bdr. Bad eating day. Lovely food for dinner, too much cupcake and lovely pizza for lunch. No exercise of course.

But now it is over and tomorrow we are back on track. Fruit for breakfast. Fruit and veggies with me for snack at school and good lunch at home, good dinner later. That is the plan. Running if I feel like it. I will weigh myself tomorrow and take whatever horrible high weight it will be, and let it motivate me.

Tomorrow's a new day :apple:

Don't you just love weightloss? Always the next day to do it right :tongue:

sqzee
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Posted: 10 August 2009 04:23 pm

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Weight: 61,2kg :up_arrow:

But that is to be very much expected. I am not even suprised. I ate badly. I am back on track today. I did eat fruit for breakfast. Had one cupcake at school. I apple and 2 carrots at school. 1 carrot at home, 1 orange and a ricecake. I'm not hungry. I'll have dinner in an hour or 2.

sqzee
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Posted: 11 August 2009 02:56 pm

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Weight: 60,9 :down_arrow:

No exercise. Sorry guys. But the hardest 2 years of my life started yesterday and I am too busy with my school work, organizing things and doing homework. And not panicking. Although I am. Completly panicking. I am not clever enough for school. I feel stupid. And #%@&! scared. Petrified. I don't feel like I can do it.

My weight is down because I ate well yesterday. Nice to see a correlation. So I'll do the same today. And I am well on the way I think. Evenings are the hardest so I never really know until the next day. I'd love to see a 60 soon.

My personal project supervisor Mrs. Burke saw me today and I said hey. "You've lost weight" she said. :grin:

"a little" I said back and smiled. From her it was nice to hear. I usually don't like hearing it but from her it was quite nice for some reason. And nice that people notice! And she saw me in my chunky uniform before.

Oh. I can feel I need a run soon. I can't go now, I don't have time, I will go tomorrow if I'm still in the mood. But I probably will be.

sqzee
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Posted: 12 August 2009 07:26 pm

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Weight: 60,2kg :down_arrow:

lowest weight ever

Exercise: :thumbsdown:

Food: mostly :thumbsup:

Finally back on track. Whoop. Go Sara. School has been such a distraction and of course I have no fridge at school :tongue:

Too bad about the exercise but I have been too overwhelmed. Really. I am not even blaming myself and I feel I have been active. Volleyball starts next week and then it will be 2 times a week and poss. 1 time fitness on friday.

I've been a little bad with cupcake and ice cream. But not too bad I hope. Going to bed in about an hour anyway so there won't be time to get myself into serious trouble :chewing:

sqzee
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Posted: 13 August 2009 06:48 pm

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Weight: 60kg! :down_arrow:

Can you beleive it? Just 5kg to go. I am at the low end of my original goal. I am happy. Very pleased, satisfied, insert synonym here. :grin:

!!!

But I have a feeling that I will have gained for tomorrow. Today hasn't been the best food day, but let's see. I feel better, I feel hotter, I love wearing my new clothes and it hasn't been that big of a problem to stay away from food.

The weird thing is that I seem to lose more when I don't exercise? Ehh muscleloss? I hope not.

I feel so much more confident. It comes and goes but it definately is more dominant now. My confidence in my physical appearance. I think I like it, but I don't want to be too confident either.

sqzee
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Posted: 15 August 2009 09:04 pm

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I write in shame.

I have sucked the last 2 days. Not good with the dieting at all. Geez. Can't even get to the 5 day mark of good eating.

Ack. Must start over tomorrow. Take whatever number the scale gives me and live with it.

sqzee
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Posted: 16 August 2009 09:22 am

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Wow. Scale said same weight as yesterday and before 60,1kg. Well that's good. Not too far a step back. Maybe I can make it under 60 for the challenge weigh-in on wednesday. That would be great.

So far so good today, but its still early.

Tomorrow there is volleyball which is great. Just one hour though unfortunately. Hopefully next week its more than 1 day a week. I haven't been feeling like running at all.

Next week I will be gone thursday to saturday. I am staying at a hotel for the introduction to IB with the school. I don't know anything about the food arangements. If its a buffet or we order or whatever, I don't know. So lets hope that doesn't turn into a large set-back.

sqzee
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Posted: 17 August 2009 06:46 pm

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Spoke to soon. Up 500g this morning. How this is possible? I don't know, so far I have blamed carbs. Because I ate so much bread yesterday, way more than I have done in weeks actually and carbs bind water, so... Let's really hope that that is it. Bdr. Won't make a loss for the challenge. Ishh, can things never go as planned?

I ate reasonably today, I think at least. And I had 1 hours volleyball. Although for a lot of the time I was doing nothing. Volleyball wednesday as well. I should go running soon, but we'll see. I'm trying to cope with my homework as it is, no other tasks please.

Tomorrow is lasagne for dinner. Mmm. Breakfast: fruit and maybe some crispbread. Snack of fruit and carrots. Lunch: maybe some crispbread or normal bread, fruit and carrots if there are any left. We need to shop. Argh. Another stressful task. Geez I will never survive...

sqzee
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Posted: 18 August 2009 12:50 pm

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What the .... ?!

I am now 61kg?! In two days I've gained 1kg?! Argh. I ate well yesterday! Ish.

sqzee
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Posted: 22 August 2009 01:18 pm

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Am so tired. Can barely keep my eyes open. Party last night, went to bed at 4. Slept but it is now quarter past 3 and I am tired. But I need to do homework.

Weight was better friday. 59,9kg. But then the booze might have messed that up although I had very little and managed not to eat junk while I was tipsy. Yah for me. So proud. It needs to be that way every time.

I want to run today but I am just so tired. I promise I will tomorrow. I really do promis. Just short. No need to push myself just need to get out there again.

I am liking my body more and more. I wonder if I will ever have the flat stomach. I have thoughts on weight-loss surgery I wanted to share but I am simply too tired.

Over and out. :apple:

sqzee
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Posted: 23 August 2009 08:35 am

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59,7kg

So that is under 60. I almost never thought this day would come. To think that I have less than 5kg to my ultimate goal. Its a weird feeling. To date I've lost 15,3kg. Round about that. Of course 5 kg is a slow process for me since I allow myself many things.

So far today I've had:

1 roll with FLORA

1 apple

1 carrot

I'll eat lunch in 3-4 hours if I can make it that far. I've been living off carrots sooo much. Everytime I crave something I just eat a carrot. Or an apple. And that turns into a LOT of carrots! We buy 2 kgs like every 5 days. I also eat them as part of my meals of course. And I am glad I didn't gain from the partying. Not that I really expected to have, but its nice that I can do that sort of thing and not mess things completly up.

sqzee
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Posted: 25 August 2009 08:04 pm

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#%@&!.

I haven't been good.

So didn't weigh myself today.

I have not time for anything (other than eating apparently) not even time to get on here an look around properly. This is today's food:

Pineapple

2 carrots

half cucumber

1 apple

eggcake

1 piece cripsbread

15g. chocolate

half cupcake

1 piece bread with flora

1 apple

1 orange

1 light coke

1 hard candy

1 carrot

buuh. Hmm... I don't know. I'll see the weight tomorrow. Crossing fingers and hoping because I have been on an eating rampage. When I get home I just pig out. Why I don't know.

I want my 55!

sqzee
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Posted: 26 August 2009 03:33 pm

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Weight: Puhhh still 59,7kg - Lucky me

So far:

1 orange

1 apple

1 small banana

2 apples

1 small bag popcorn

1 small carrot

1 orange

1 piece of bread with flora

3 carrots

hard candies

And I think dinner will be tomato soup. So all in all not bad. Hope I don't mess it up.

I'm kind of losing motivation. Or maybe not... Maybe it just can't be my top priority anymore. School, friends and my life are. I don't have time to think about it that much. I barely have time to come on here.

But I am eating and wanting food very often. I am wondering if I am actually hungry. Its hard when I am at school because I feel like eating, but I am not actually hungry and I can't relax enough to enjoy my meal so I would rather just wait till I come home, but then I am so hungry that I just eat way too much. Is confusing. Of course I am not doing such a bad job, then I would be gaining obv. That just goes to prove how these habits are so much in me now.

I am also concidering being a vegetarian. I don't even eat meat every day. I mean how hard can it be? I haven't had meat today or yesterday. And prob. not the day before either. For now I will just avoid it if it is convinient.

Maybe I am getting relaxed about my weightloss because now I know the ups and downs of it. I know what works and what doesn't. I've been doing this for 8 months now, I am experienced. Haha, my friends are fasting for the Ramadan, I can relate! Try denying yourself certain food for 8 months! :wink:

sqzee
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Posted: 27 August 2009 06:28 pm

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Weight is still the same. It was undecisive to a bit under.

So far:

2 small bananas

1 apple

2 carrots

1 apple

1 bag popcorn

1 piece crisp bread and topping

1 carrot

Tomato soup

1 roll with flora

1 orange

1 diet coke

2-3 carrots

3 pieces of chocolate

tiny cupcake

And I want more chocolate! I could really drink some hot chocolate. Or have a cookie. Or another cupcake. Why can't I stop this?

sqzee
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Posted: 28 August 2009 08:45 pm

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So I had the best time in a long time.

Followed by too much food.

But hey, I was invited to a friends house to break their fast. We were muslims and non-muslims but the bottom line was food since they are fasting obv. But truely a cultural experience. Geez I love this place. Eating Zanizibar mix on the floor in a Pakistani-Indian home in Tanzania, with the friends I love? Truely divine. And you know what? We were all girls. And we had sooo much fun. Guys my age, take a freaking hike, we really do not need you arrogant #%@&!s.

I love food and its way of bringing people together. I guess I will always be fighting the fat girl. I'll pick it up again on sunday, tomorrow I have another dinner. I gotta live. And I really enjoyed the food and the company tomorrow, and I hope I will tomorrow as well. I will gain, but wtv. tomorrow (sunday) is a new day :grin:

sqzee
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Posted: 2 September 2009 06:14 pm

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I have been extremely off course since friday, but the last two days I've gotten it together a bit more. Resulting in only +100g from lowest weight. Yah. Hope it is less tomorrow.

I am trying to figure out some eating routines and food I can bring to school so I don't buy something (unhealthy) instead. I will re-think this in the weekend when I have time. For now I am just making it up in the morning while considering what I am doing that day and when I am getting home.

I'll report back soon, but I am doing homework so Ciao :cool:

sqzee
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Posted: 5 September 2009 08:42 am

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Mmm. So today is a start over day. I have had a yoghurt so far and a small carrot. I will have pasta and tomato sauce for lunch and probably the same for dinner. Both are homemade. I put basil and garlic in the pasta, its really great. Anyway I will control the portions on these ones. I want to start loosing again. I am losing sight of my 55.

And then I will way on the 9th which I beleive is a wednesday. Fine with me. I might have a chance to turn it around.

Inbetween meals, 1 apple or some carrots. For tonight my diet cherry coke and 1 unhealthy snack, or another apple and some carrots. Or an orange. Or I could drink lots of tea.

I am not going running today. Time pressed.

sqzee
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Posted: 6 September 2009 07:54 am

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I think yesterday was ok, but I also messed up a little, especially towards the evening but I really tried.

So far today I have had

2 carrots

some rice krispies and milk

half a mareng

4 nuts

So from now I will eat in about 3-4 hours if I can make it that far. Pasta and tomato sauce again, unless maybe I chose to have pineapple for lunch. Maybe that's a good idea. We'll see. I want a power low-cal day today as well as tomorrow and untill my weigh-in. I really need to focus again. I am not really slipping, just standing still. I want my 55, if not to look #%@&! good, but to have reached my goal and allow myself a bit extra calories every day. Although I am a bit worried about maintanance, but it can't be harder than this now can it?

And this wouldn't be so hard if it weren't for the fact that I really love food. Not just in general, but I watch cooking shows and read food blogs. I even make my own pasta! I wish I could spend the days baking and cooking, just smelling and tasting and observing the textures of each ingredient. There are so many recipes I want to try...

sqzee
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Posted: 7 September 2009 03:17 pm

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Ok, so just ate a bit too much. I had 2 pieces of bread, one apple, one orange, one ricecake, some candy and a diet coke... Yeah, Sara, stop eating lunch at 4 when all you've had all day is breakfast and an apple!

I think I will do a light dinner. Some fruit maybe. Oh yeah, I had a cupcake too. Ishh.

sqzee
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Posted: 15 September 2009 06:48 pm

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I am alive. Don't worry. But ------

I digress.

No loss. Working on it though, I've gained a little and then lost that. I must just keep at it.

And since I was cut from the volleyball team I will start running again. Exicted about that. Totally. I yearn to feel the ache in my muscles and smell the burnt and dusty Tanzanian air.

I will make this work. I will lose my 5kg. I will be smoking hot. :grin:

sqzee
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Posted: 17 September 2009 03:49 pm

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I'm still positive :grin:

. Weight at 59,5. I have started counting calories again, and my eating is definately in focus. Slowly slowly I am getting back on track. Maybe I can even start running. My plan was for tomorrow because I will be drinking friday and having a very late night. Sleeping over at a friends house again so I hope for a healthy breakfast. And for no drunk stupid eating. And/or having a light lunch and some sleep before I we go out.

Oh. And try not to eat the cookies I am baking for peace-day celebration tomorrow.

sqzee
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Posted: 18 September 2009 01:16 pm

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59,1

very

But party tonight. Ack. Why does there have to be so many calories in alcohol? Why oh why? And before that dinner with my friends. So a calorie death-trap.

But I don't want to be negative. Party yah, weightloss yah, 58 in sight triple yah :smile:

So my goal is a 58,9 for monday? But I mean huge loss from yesterday. 400g, so maybe unrealistic goal without regard for bouncing back but whatever.

Long weekend yah! But LOADS of homework. For those of you with a long weekend as well happy weekend, and others Happy Eid :wink:

sqzee
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Posted: 19 September 2009 04:53 pm

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Well at least I danced a lot. And had salad for dinner. The rest is a bit... iffy. Uhm had too much to drink, caloriewise definately anyway. My legs ache from dancing. My face aches from squinting at the club-light, or maybe something else but then I don't remember it. Today has been ok with eating. But I just had a cookie and I really want another diet coke. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I hope its ok.

sqzee
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Posted: 21 September 2009 06:56 am

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Uhm, 59,6kg today... So I've lost like 100g since last wednesday... So slow.

I've had one yoghurt and 4 crackers this morning. I'll have soup for lunch or veggies and try to stay out of the sweet stuff.

sqzee
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Posted: 22 September 2009 06:45 am

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And so now I'm at 59,3kg

Which is good. Very good considering that I have REALLY been struggling. I really don't know how I am going to get my butt out and run. I really really hope to see a 58 soon. But I am wondering if 4,3kg more will do the trick. Will I be the kind of skinny I want to be? Because I want to be, I want to be skinny and thin like the other good looking girls at school and there is nothing to do but admit it and work towards that.

sqzee
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Posted: 22 September 2009 03:54 pm

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And so I went for a run. And it was nice. Very very proud of myself. Results not something to brag about, but hey, at least I went. I'm thinking I should actually go tomorrow as well. I don't have anything after school and I really do feel better with my body when I exercise. Food so far has been ok I guess. I'm not really sure, but I would really like to have lost for tomorrow. So I can give in a nice number for the Halloween challenge and so I can go to school feeling good about myself.

sqzee
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Posted: 25 September 2009 12:53 pm

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Wow so many diaries here now. If I don't write each day my dairy ends at the bottom of the page!

I was thinking a run today, but I am dead, so I was thinking tomorrow. My plan is to get a lot of homework done later tonight so that I am free for tomorrow to focus on things like running.

I have lost 16kg now. That is a lot. Really! I cringe when I imagine 16kg more on my body. 1, 2, 3, 4, 16kg?!

Now I'm a bit in a predicament because I want to bake peanutbutter and chocolate brownies covered with chocolate ganache. *Drools at thought* But not good! I was thinking I would bake them for tomorrow evening where I am seeing my friends. And skip lunch as well because we are prob. haveing a sort of pizza party. Ahh can't wait. I love my friends.

Because of my diet I have developed an insane love of food and cooking and baking and just anything with food! I'm not sure how good that is because I enjoy making food so much but not the fact that I can't have much of it after. That's why I love to have someone to share it with.

sqzee
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Posted: 26 September 2009 07:07 am

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58,8kg

And when I thought yesterday was a bad day I lose 400g. Yes I am happy happy happy. 55 seems to get ever so close :wink:

I woke up pretty hungry this morning, like stomach growling hungry which I found odd. We have no veggies or fruit in the house so I had 1 bun/roll with Flora butter, 1 piece of crispbread with a piece of ham and one ricecake. No the healthiest but it didn't break the calorie bank and it will keep me full. Otherwise I could have had rice krispies but they don't keep me full for long.

Today is brownie-baking day so we'll see how that goes, and I'm going to a friends house so its my diet day off I guess. I hope that doesn ruin my progress.

I'm also starting to doubt weither 55kg is enough. Maybe I should go for even lower, but I'll have to see in a couple of kgs.

sqzee
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Posted: 13 October 2009 01:07 pm

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Yes I am alive. But not under since last post.

I'm working on it and I just had two days of running.

Self esteem issues about my weight now and before and comments on it have somewhat depressed me unfortunately. I will shake it off. The next place I go no-one will know I was fat. Immature boys argh :nono:

Today is not going to be a good diet day because I already had cake and I am going out with my friends for a dear friends birthday and she is moving to Botwana as well so its her farewell too.

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Posted: 17 October 2009 09:22 am

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The weightloss is going ever so slowly but finally I am working my way down from the unacceptable peak I was at a few days ago. 59,2kg today.

The self esteem issues are really getting to me. I am so ambivilant. People are telling me I look good and the guys at school are looking at me a different way. I feel like I am being stared at. Someone is always complimenting what I am wearing or my hair or whatever. Which sounds great, but its not. I am really upset that I was treated differently before. I am really upset that this is my ticket in, my body. Not my brains or my humor or my lovely nature. No, just my size.

Its a funny thing... I think people are happy that I lost weight, but in a more "oh good she fixed that, now its ok to talk to her".

And that is bad, because its making me not even able to take my friends compliments. And these are my friends, my great friends who have always been there for me and loved me at every point in my life, even when I was my worst, so I should be able to take their congradulations and thank them for it. Not lash out as if they are everyone who has ever judged me.

Yes I do want others to find me attractive, but I didn't know it would hurt me so much that these people have never noticed me before. I just want to hit them on the head and explain to them every single battle in my head I have gone through to not eat this and that and to exercise. Every single day this is a struggle and noone sees it. They just think that I finally got the memo. I am also embarrassed of how I looked before, and that people know how I looked before.

But I still have a way to go. 4 more kg minimum. We'll see if more when I get there, which at this rate seems to be a long way off.

sqzee
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Posted: 19 October 2009 08:28 pm

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I love Lily Allen. Such funny music!

Anyway. I have been doing ok but my scale gives me such varieing results on the same weigh-in! Right now I'm about 59,1. Am really hoping to break 59 soon and be solid in 58. Oh please oh please.

Eating is hard during a vacation :dizzy:

I want to cook and eat and bake all the freaking time! On top of that - I do nothing and have no distractions! Ok not true, but the fridge is oooh sooo near...

I should go for a run soon though. Tomorrow is the movies. I might actually make my own snack to take with me or just buy popcorn there and make that my lunch. Anyhow a goal for tomorrow is def. to eat fruit for breakfast!

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Posted: 20 October 2009 10:23 am

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Its going good :grin:

58,9kg. Very very happy with that. But I only kind of had fruit for breakfast for today. I've had:

1 apple

4 cracker things (37grams in total)

3-4 carrots?

So I can have lunch in an hour or so and then I will make some kind of snack to bring with me to the movies along with a diet coke. Please 58, just stay there!

sqzee
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Posted: 21 October 2009 09:29 am

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58,7kg

Yes that is definately good. I am very happy. And slightly surprised because I had popcorn and alot of it but then I tried to compensate at dinner and it must have worked.

I woke up late today, which is not so good because I am trying to go to bed earlier and not screw up my internal clock just because its vacation. It also messes up with the eating because then I don't know when to have lunch and when to have dinner.

I plan my meals a lot around time. Its the only thing that stops me from eating breakfast lunch and dinner as soon as I get up. I space it out so I know what time I have to make it to.

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Posted: 25 October 2009 12:32 pm

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Ok, so not so great the last 2 days. I am up :sad:

But today so far is pretty good foodwise but let's see. I am not getting exercise at all... I am really not motivated. Its not fun for me. I enjoy running but somehow I never get out the door and do it! I am still hoping to make my Halloween Challenge goal of 58 but I doubt I will be able to.

I have done too much maintaining and not enough losing since the start of school but I have been very very stressed and my mind has been on so many other things. I only have a certain amount of determination and it has all gone to grades! :shock:

But at least I haven't gained. I am under 60 which is great. Now just 4 kg to go :chewing:

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Posted: 29 October 2009 03:03 pm

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I am finally back down from what I was last week *sigh*

But its only my own fault. Its definately not someone else's.

I think I will make fish for dinner. Fish and vegetables. I've done ok so far foodwise. Go me.

I made chocolate cupcakes yesterday and the cupcakes were good, but the frosting, omg to die for. Its like fudge. Its really good. But I still have like half a kg of chocolate I need to incorperate in some kind of baking... These cupcakes needed cocoa powder.

I love food way too much. I really really do.

sqzee
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Posted: 30 October 2009 02:39 pm

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I am so so so not doing very well. And I will be having drinks tonight. Ah...!

This is so so annoying. I hate weightloss. I hate not being able to eat everything I want. I know I sound like a baby but it's simply not fair. I wish I just had a normal relationship with food....

sqzee
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Posted: 31 October 2009 06:49 pm

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I haven't been getting it right lately. I am not losing and I know it is my own fault. I am eating too many calories. That is simply a fact.

So I drank last night, and danced my heart out. It must have cancelled out because I've lost a lot. Even after rehydrating. I don't know what the deal with that is. I hope it stays that way though! I am so stressed at the moment. Which means I eat a lot. And I need stop thinking of food as a reward as well as thinking that I deserve it just because my life is hard.

When will it come naturally to me?

(P.S. here is my blog. Its about the IB (school) and how to get through it alive and almost sane. Its mostly for teenagers in IB, but I want to get the link out there. http://survivingib.wordpress.com/)

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Posted: 4 November 2009 07:45 pm

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I am so darned stressed I almost don't care what I weigh anymore as long as I make it through the day hah! Its not going bad though. Concidering. I am maintaining or losing. I can't really complain. But I really gotta go and do some homework!

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Posted: 5 November 2009 03:31 pm

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I'm 58,1kg now... I'm really impressed. My friend even told me I shouldn't lose more weight. He thinks I look good as I am... Apparently he thinks I only want to lose more weight because I "want a boyfriend"... Uhm no. I want to lose weight for me. Yes I want others to think I look good but mostly I want me to think I look good. I don't know if that sounds weak or what but it is true and it is what I feel. And what is wrong with wanting to feel hot? Is it vain? I don't want to be vain but I will not lie.

I am confused as to what I feel... I am confused as to how I want to look and if I think I look good now. I am definately in for the next 3 kg, but I might want to go beyond that, yet when I speak about it with others I do not get support. Others are generally uncomfortable with any weight (self-esteem) issues. I KNOW that I am not being unreasonable because I am fully aware of my BMI. I am trying to be positive and attribute it to them caring about me but it is still frustrating.

P. S. Since when is a family a "support system"? How about just family? Geez...

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Posted: 7 November 2009 07:05 am

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Wow. Scale said 57,7kg this morning. I almost can't beleive it. I am nearly there. I don't know what I've been doing lately but apparently its been right. It feels weird now so close to my goal. Can I really eat more when I am maintaining? Will it be different? Will I be happy at 55? I am kind of ambivilant about everything, I am not so sure what I feel anymore. I've lived like this for a year now and I just don't know. Its good and I'm happy and I hope that when I start maintaining that I can allow myself a little bit more.

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