Molly Moo's Diary - My Diary - Post Your Diary On-line - Individuals

Creature of Habit

Pitch decided that he would go to his mom's Friday evening in the old hometown. He was in a "pissy" state for the past two days. Knowing that I was going to be gone Sat and Sun, I was a bit hurt? agitated? that he didn't want to try to do something Friday night. I don't want to be in his face or needy or demanding. It's just my style that when there is mutual liking, I jump in with both feet, and go for it. I talked it out quite a bit with S and really, I suspect that perhaps Pitch is just a little overwhelmed with so many other things right now that while he likes me, the relationship is not a priority and further, perhaps he isn't fully emotionally available.

Per S's suggestion and good ideas I wrote a letter last night to Pitch, which I intended to read over this morning and if it was still good, I'd send it. I haven't been back to it however, because...well... Friday night only ended about 3:30 this afternoon.

I took that agitation, the Pitch agitation, the agitation over a meeting with my boss regarding Europe and channelled it into another crazy night. This time, had Chris over for pre-club cocktails for a couple of hours, and I had the networking site up while we were hanging out talking on the couch and playing with my childhood Fischer Price Safari Set. Shred popped up and said something about my pre-clubby status and I invited him to come out and meet us at #1, which he did. It was dead as a doornail and we closed the place @ 2A, then out on the curb, Chris eating some fries, I decided to head to #3 with Shred since he wasn't dressed for #2 and meet up with Chris later. Of course I didn't. Shred and I closed out #3 and then spent "the night" ("the morning?") at his place.

I left after noon in a cab, with $25 to my name and missing my house key. $21 for the cab and after finding out that people with the spares were all out of town, walked down and spent my last $4 on hotdog, chips and water. I then collapsed in a patio chair while awaiting a locksmith, and finally around 3:30, got into my house and slept.

I'd joked earlier to a couple of girlfriends and to Chris that Shred had a pretty disproportionate share of women 'friends' on the networking site and he either had to be gay, or a player. Now I wouldn't put him into either category, but its sure easy enough to see why women dig him. He's actually quite a caring person. Has a massive hug that swallows you up.

So anyway I need to do a lot of thinking about what this all means. I've said all along that I felt like I needed to take my time and get done with all the 'nonsense' and that Pitch was the kind of guy I though I should end up with at the end of all my meanderings. And I am clearly not done with all the nonsense and I knew that I was not and even talked this concern over with a couple of girlfriends. I don't want to mess thing up with Pitch, or hurt him - he's sensitive enough as it is - and yet clearly if he's unavailable to satisfy my emotional intimacy needs, especially during this exploratory and exciting phase of my own life, it makes perfect sense that I'd seek this elsewhere.

I even talked this over last night with Chris before we went out, and he asked me a simple question that stopped me without a good response. What do I mean by "nonsense", what do I think I will stop doing, which I am doing now, and what do I think my life will look like? And how I started answering him was that my 'boy craziness' was the nonsense but I realize in the back of my mind, that it probably means all the clubbing and drinking and little black dresses also...and I realized that I have no real vision or intention of giving any of it up. Doing it less, yes. Spending more time on writing and creative pursuits, yes. But out of the mouth of a friend, a reminder that I need to do more serious thinking on serious subjects to help guide me on my journey.

The link here, is that once again I find myself in between two men who represent seriously different paths in life. I enjoy very much meeting all different people from all different walks of life, and it is one of the aspects of my personality which I am pleased with, that I can get along with, appreciate, and value a huge range of people for what they have to offer and the colour that they add to life. There is no rule written or unwritten, which says that I have to choose one or the other with which to spend my time....but the truth is, that in the professional world that Pitch and I inhabit, one has to hide a tremendous amoung of idiosyncracy, one has to compromise, one has to swallow one's own self deep inside. On the other hand, in Shred's world of film there is virtually no restriction, no inhibition, nothing short of patently illegal activity which one needs to hide.

I would prefer I think down the road here to be able to be a more holistic person, one open and honest and up front without all these things which must be hidden. Truly, the more time and experience I get in life, I realize I am not at all "far out there", not nearly as much as I expected, in many dimension of myself. I am actually in some ways fairly conservative. I was just thinking about my earlier comments on Pitch, how he's a "cool cat trapped" and he is, he is a guy who is holding so much inside, far away from the corporate world and from his mom and family and like me, has a pretty normal persona i/r/l with just all this crazy complexity on the inside.

I do think that the path we have each chosen, Pitch and I, of working in the corporate world has probably taken a toll and causes us to be inconguous within our own selves. You cannot be a whole, connected person, if you constantly have to hide pieces of that person, if they cannot be exposed. You have to able to stand up and say 'this is who I am' and let the chips fall where they may. I think back to how much I started letting out my personality more at work over the past year or so, and realize that recently, with all this global position stuff going on, I've stuffed myself back into the box a bit more. I need to make sure that I am feeling that Mol, Munich Energy Mol, the parts of me that I love, can be melded into a new job and a new lifestyle and that Mol doesn't become a shell of a person constantly stuck in an airport screaming for fresh air and life experience.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 16 August 2009 08:26 am

Quote

Well, it does amaze me how quickly I felt rebalanced today, after a nap, a shower, some dinner & coffee @ Starbucks. I inexplicably felt calm and peaceful, and not at all upset by another Rocketshippy night. I ended up at Mol's hill on the lakefront around 10:25PM, and the cops chased everyone out about 10:45, which wasn't nearly enough time but still felt divine. Free, liberating, independent, alone but not isolated. I then went down to Buckingham Fountain (which was off) and spread my blanket on the pavers next to the fountain and laid there for the better part of an hour. Divine. Then up Michigan Avenue past Tribune Tower with its gorgeous gothic architecture, and over to the riverwalk next to Columbus Drive bridge where I stayed for quite some time, looking at the lovely view and the lights of the bridges, buildings, and boats reflecting of the water. Finally, a quick stop in @ #1 which was on my way to see who was about, but it was empty and I just spoke with X for a couple of minutes. By that point I was quite hungry again and I went to the burrito house

Some texting throughout the night but mostly just thinking. More on that tomorrow I am sure, I am falling asleep. :smile:

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 16 August 2009 05:44 pm

Quote

At Starbucks with My Crayons This Morning

Well, my meanderings and writings kept me up later than intended last night, but I still woke up around 7:30AM this morning and after luxuriating on the couch for a spell, I have taken my crayons to Starbucks. It is in the figurative rather than the literal sense today, although I do have a 64-pack which comes out at times; its a recourse which I take when I've hit a stumbling block on a particular issue, or need to regress to mental state of childhood to look at a problem or issue in its simplest possible interpretation, unfettered with life, or expectations or convention or opinions or influences.

So, amongst my lo-fat turkey bacon english muffin, venti black bold coffee, and bottle of spring water, I set out with two goals.

1. Figure out my priorities for the day, the month, and the next six months.

2. Determine what my needs really are right now w/r/t to guys and Pitch in particular, so I can set boundaries and expectations for both them and myself.

However, in order to get to these points I first need to get a few things down to get caught up.

I wasn't the only person doing a lot of reflecting last night. The recently absent Jason, who broke his wrist about 10 days ago, turned on a spigot last night which is pretty interesting considering he was communicating via text.  He was sorting through some things in his head about himself in the context of me, if that makes sense.  I love the deeply reflective aspect of him, and he takes his time and I know when he comes up with the answer he will know himself thoroughly. It's exciting to have someone thinking about their attraction to you on 50 different levels and I only wish I had that same ability to dissect, analyze, and control my emotions. I can learn a lot from Jason in this respect.

Pitch and I swapped a few messages/pictures yesterday, I suggested perhaps a low key movie on the couch; however he's still up in the hometown taking care of mom.  He's not made any further attempt to make plans to spend time with me. His sister is flying in next week to stay with their mom and he is planning to take a few days off work. They are nearly demented with trying to get Mom into assisted living and in spite of Mom's own concerns and deteriorating condition, Mom just refuses to leave the house she's been in since before Pitch was born. It's a matter of time before something like a serious fall happens and it weighs heavily on Pitch. I've got to sit back and realize this doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationship with me. It means that there are other priorities. If I want to spend more time with Pitch, I need to see how I can help be a positive contributor in these areas, not another stressor. Isn't that how good relationships should work anyway?

Shred is no doubt someone who has a lot of interesting experience in life to share, and would be fun and enlightening to spend more time with him. I think he's pretty much all about fun. :) However, I while I am still exploring and don't want to shut off any avenues of where life might take me, Shred's world is not really what I see for myself long term or any kind of a serious relationship. Maybe because I am 40? If I were in my 20's it would make a lot more sense I suppose.

And I come back to Pitch. It seems that I am letting Pitch's actions (or inactions) control and influence my thoughts and feelings about other guys, about what I want, and they should be independent.  He's gotta sort things out for himself and while I can influence and encourage and try to attract, I either have to decide to shift gears and dedicate myself in his direction, or sit back and declare my intention of continuing to see other people. And I need to finalize this and have the talk with him when we next meet. I cannot be shooting off first in one direction and then the other based upon Pitch's mood-of-the-day. But one thing is clear. Pitch is the only one of these guys who I feel genuinely special and lucky to spend time with. And I do miss him.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 16 August 2009 10:46 pm

Quote

A few on-topic remarks today, taking inventory:

Scale @ 126 right now although I believe I am dehydrated. I'm probably still about 128-129 and don't look so great. I skipped meals from lunch Friday to midafternoon Saturday but am sure the drinks provided more than enough calories. I had a burrito late last night and today, a low-fat turkey bacon sandwich @ Starbucks.

I got in a good workout today, 16.5 miles on the bike and then 36 minutes of toning. The bike ride rocked. I ran a couple of shopping errands late morning and the storm clouds started building but I decided to try for it. I got to the lakefront and then it broke open and I hung out under a tree for a bit. I then continued down the lakefront path but the pedestrian traffic from the air and water show made it dangerous for both bikers and families alike. It started raining again after I turned around and rained most of the way home. It was fun actually, the temp and humidity had come down dramatically after the first cloudburst and then the second batch of rain scattered the remaining spectators and I was able to fly back up the lakefront with the wind. Grit and sand all over my bike, wet and windy and yahooing up the path and along with the traffic. It was liberating.

I did uppers/lowers 1&2/abs. The new lowers component I've added really is a whole 'nother dimension in butt shaping and it feels good to take it up a notch.

I'm hungry now after all my exercise, a shower, and some dry clothes. Time to get some food and get on with my serious thinking.

Last edited on 16 August 2009 10:47 pm by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 17 August 2009 02:10 am

Quote

Sundown

I hate Sunday evenings. I'm always prone to be a little depressed as the weekend comes to an end and I have to leave my comfortable little off-kilter world to enter the working life of a corporate professional. I know if I had a 'life's occupation' which I found fulfilling and more synchronous with myself, and/or worked with people I really felt comraderie with, this probably wouldn't be such a bleak time period each week. Eh, Mol, you're not alone...

I have only 1/2 day of work tomorrow AM then off once more to the dentist for a crown prep appt. This will bring me back out near the hometown and all the recently revived memories and people - along with a planned couple of hours with Dad and his girlfriend.

I am annoyed with myself that once more, my absentmindedness has struck. This time, I am missing my driver's license, primary credit card, and cash which I had with me during the bike ride today. I believe I had them when I returned home and set them aside while I stripped off the wet clothes and then I cleaned the grit and water from my bike. Yet, I cannot find them for trying and its obviously a problem I'll have to rectify pretty quickly if they don't turn up.

Even more annoyingly, I picked up emails tonight and there was a message from L, directed to me and a handful from the old club circle, including D. It contained a picture of a watch and "Look at my new Tag Heuer!" Now, this is his favorite watch brand and rather expensive and it completely kills me that he is so mindless to (1) send this to me while I am funding his medical and car payments to the tune of $1000 per month and (2) copy D on the same message as me like we are all one big happy group of friends and all that #%@&! didn't happen. Unbelievable. I don't know if his mom bought it for him or something and it really doesn't matter. X said something last night about "you should take L to Iceland with you" and DJ M said something Friday night about L "all the #%@&! he was saying, really was hard on everyone". L had reportedly been @ #1 a short while before Chris & I showed on Friday. So I sense L's worn out his welcome there a little bit and perhaps he is spiralling down a bit further as the support is waning and the year is nearly 2/3 over without a prospect of a solid job.

More signals tonight that Pitch has retreated, and I have to let it go. He's communicating primarily about fact-based activities, all stressors, and is still not suggesting when we might next get together or that he's been thinking about me in a romantic sense. Maybe this is normal for him. Maybe its not good timing. I wish I knew what was in his head. I don't want to just let this fester, yet given all his stress I am afraid of forcing a discussion right now. Time for me to put this aside, if I can, and just let it breathe.

I talked with Spike for a bit and decided to watch a movie tonight and unplug - but first went to Starbucks for a decaf and a slice of "reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake". This, after a dinner of green salad, pasta, and a Jennie-O turkey patty cooked in a bit of olive oil. Mmmmmmm. Dell was studying at Starbucks with his friend and as usual, hugged me closely, kissed me on the forehead, left a very nice scent on my clothes and pushed me for a date some time. I think he likes how I get shy and run away from him whenever he does that. I've no intention of dating him but I do enjoy his special attention.

My calf strain is still too messed up to run - in fact I aggravated it Friday when I tried dancing a little - but biking and toning are good activities and I feel pretty good physically.

OK and as far as serious thinking - I cannot seem to get beyond a to-do list on a day to day basis. I cannot get my Amsterdam trip planned and I certainly cannot get a 6-month timeline clear in my head. Perhaps the uncertainty of work is a key issue. Not only the moving, but the whole idea that it may be a wrong path. However, as I wrote in the Book of Mol, what am I afraid of? Nothing in life worth having ever came without sacrifice and risk and after being terribly risk-averse most of my adult life, this is a biggie.

It's 9PM and I am going to try to be in bed by 10. It was a full weekend, though not at all what I had planned, and I am going to try to relax and unplug. After the movie is over, I am going to try a meditation exercise and get into a more relaxed state of mind.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 17 August 2009 02:42 am

Quote

I just caught myself sending a message off to Jason and remind myself that I am my own worst enemy, a distracted, fanciful, impusive creature who feeds on her own weaknesses with an appetite for self-destruction which is quite remarkable. If only I would channel this energy, this intensity, this relentlessness into positive things, surely, I could accomplish significant and positive things with my life.

So. Starting immediately and effective through next weekend, I need to implement some principles to help me focus.

Initiate no contact with guys (no text, networking site, etc)

Follow up with girlfriends and relatives I haven't spoken with recently (SB, VM, IR, etc)

Only 1 CPH post per day and keep them short

Finish planning Amsterdam trip by Wednesday evening

Limit drinks to only either Fri or Sat and keep it light

OK time to get off of here and on with life.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 18 August 2009 06:14 am

Quote

The Urge To ______

It's the end of another long but full day. Half day in the office, followed by another visit to the dentist, a trip out to my dad's, a boat ride, a nice pot roast dinner with green salad, a glorius sunset over the lake, and a meet up with EF for a nitecap (that would be two NA beers, thanks), pizza and peanuts. Not very good for the diet, but, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow...and try to burn it off the next day. Crime and Punishment. You know the drill.

Avoided initiating communications to guys - and heard from Jason and Chris via text, and Shred via the networking site. Let those alone. After several days, and some consultation with S, this evening I sent a letter to Pitch I wrote on Friday night. Immediately afterward I felt a strong urge to vomit. It is either the kiss of death or a catalyst for some communication and forward movement. I decided it is not fair to me to be in this current state of limbo, and I also want to give a trajectory to the paths of Jason and Shred - meaning, I don't want to move further along with someone and then drop things because Pitch decides to come online.

I am dead tired, having spent the last hour on the phone with S and its time for bed. Good night.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 19 August 2009 12:49 am

Quote

Yay For Working Out.

Taking inventory on the day:

Foodwise: Usual brekkie, southwestern chopped salad and oat/chip bar for lunch. So I am reasonably in control. Exercise: I got in a workout which seems to have multiple positive effects (1) curbs appetite (2) postpones dinner to later to reduce snacking urge later (3) feels great. My calf muscle continues to give me fits, I walked about 1/2 mile and then did some cautious jogging, it really didn't want to loosen up, and after about a mile of mild jogging it 'twinged' and said enough and I had to walk slowly home. Total workout: 1.6M, 1J .6W 23:30. At least I came home and made myself do my toning uppers/lowers 1&2 (modified)/abs about 36 minutes so about an hour total of exercise. Yay! Exercise always makes me feel better! And abs make my stomach so much flatter.

This workout made possible by the fact that I left the office early to go to my weekly appt with Dr. B and forgot it was cancelled this week because she had to go out of town. Ooops. Was home by 4PM ish.

No response from Pitch yet, not surprised, my expectation is to hear back from within a couple of days but if it takes longer, so be it. He's got a full plate and needs to think about his response. I realized a while ago that the waiting is a possible trigger to put me into the same agitated state I was on Friday, along with whatever his response is, so I need to be mindful. To that end, avoided responding to Chris or Shred, I did send one response off to Jason before reminding myself I am not supposed to be doing that.

Tonight, I am to finish my departmental budget and I intend to do so in the company of my trusty firepit. While I'd love to have some human company and a nice coze, I have to take care of business first, people are counting on me.

Oh, not sure I mentioned late last week one of my key analysts informed me she was pregnant and I knew that would put a monkey wrench into Europe; called Steve and he wisely advised me to put on my "unexpected things happen in business, we can make it work' hat. Still I asked her to keep it under wraps for 3 days to give me a chance to think about how to position this and get to my boss. I had a message in to my boss to call me today and while waiting for him, one of my other managers came in and said that one of her staff, an employee of nearly 30 years, has decided to retire right around the end of the year. Great. I mean, of course I am thrilled for each of them and love and value these employees like my 'virtual' family that they are at times, but this is yet another hurdle on top of a quickly accumulating number of hurdles which are conspiring to keep me out of Europe and firmly on US soil - I just continue to go at it with the mindset that these events simply mean a 60-90 day delay on the execution of our plan, and "we can make it work". A good philosphy under any circumstance, and it feels powerful just saying it. After all, I am Mol. I rule. I've got my Rock Star on. I can make it work. :grin:

Speaking of my Rock Star, one of my shopping errands on Saturday AM was to get a new pair of sunglasses. I always get good quality and polarized, which are multi-purpose and can be used for just about anything. I ended up, however, purchasing 2 pair, which...we won't talk about how much that cost me. However the polarized pair is Maui Jim and they absolutely rocked on my sunday bike ride and for driving, boating etc. The other pair is my "Rock Star Mol" and are unlike anything I've ever owned, but make me feel a bit trendy and energetic at the same time. They make me grin at people and that is a pretty cool thing. :cool:

So I just did a challenge weigh-in and I am solidly at 128. Not so good before dinner. Guess I'll officially book it at 128.5. At least today was a good day!

OK I am off to go "live life"; this is already longer than it should be. Good night!

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 19 August 2009 01:29 pm

Quote

Just a quick stop in to say that I heard back from Pitch last night - a short note to let me know that he'd received my message, that I was both insightful and eloquent (ha) and that he wanted a 'small grace period' to reflect and respond in kind. So...don't know what I am going to get but feel better that its not 'dead air'.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 20 August 2009 02:09 am

Quote

Wow, this is really about nothing.

I failed to mention a couple of not so good trends. I am back on the late night eating (last night was a biggie) and I haven't been able to quit the cigarettes. 1-2 smokes a day isn't much, but I am really ticked that I am so hooked again that I bought a pack today. Crud.

I went out for lunch today and really ate quite too much so skipping dinner, but Chris is coming over and we're having a few drinks and chat before he heads out to #2. I am dying to go out but being a good girl. There's a lot going on at work and I know I am anxious to hear back from Pitch and its a recipe for disaster if I leave the house.

Anyway, having Chris over forced me to clean and pick up and things look a lot better. Going to pay some bills now and get those out of the way.

I am listening to Delerium right now at loud volume. The whole album is good but there is a particular song which features Sarah McLachlan as the vocalist called "Silence" which is extremely good. Too lazy to look for the video right now.

No exercise today. It was raining plus my calf is really not doing well. Taking it easy.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 20 August 2009 07:29 am

Quote

All Alone Again

Well, its fitting that I am all alone here in my journal these days.  An altogether appropriate setting of a hollow hall where laughter and comraderie used to ring and now, solo footsteps echo on the tile as the only sound accompanying me in my journey.

Chris never showed up tonight and hasn't gotten in touch, not sure what happened there, he's never blown me off before. At least it was a catalyst to get a lot of things done around the house, and start the creative process going again.

So, the primary reason for this post is upon me.

I've just had the loveliest, lengthy, thoughful, sincere, and open email from Pitch. He is a beautiful person through and through and it just make my attraction to him stronger. He covers a lot of ground in his message and talks about being attracted to me, our similar minds, the fact that we 'get' each other and have similar interests; about having explosive, powerful emotions and being passionate people...

...all of which makes it harder to say, that in spite of feelings to the contrary he doesn't want to take things further. That, he is trying to stay true to himself at this stage of life to pursue relationships with are consistent with his lifeplan, which is centered around creating a nuclear family, complete with rugrats and Eddie Bauer catalogs. He is trying to avoid a situation of mutual disappointment down the road. I am glad he knows his vision so well and is sticking to it, although I could wish he'd have stopped himself two weeks ago before things escalated between us. It's not going to be a snap to put the genie back in the bottle.

His sentiments are a reminder to get back to the Book of Mol - I still don't know myself and my own lifeplan well enough.  Raising a family has never been a goal of mine, and while I would say there is every chance that I could find it very fulfilling, its certainly not a decision to be made w/r/t any one particular guy. That could only come from looking deep inside after all my meanderings and side trips and deciding that is what would make me happy. Goes to show I still gotta get it figured out so that I can invest my emotional energy in the right men.

I am trying my best to sound rational, but I am partially in denial, only to keep the feeling of utter drowning from overwhelming me right now. I've broken into sobs and thrown myself to the couch several times. I know there are other guys out there, but its so tough to find someone who 'gets' me, who respects me, who thinks I am smart and witty and attractive and sexy, and who thinks my complexity adds to, not detracts from, the package.  Someone who is also brilliant, funny, compassionate, loves music and writing and being a bit off-center, enjoys travelling and exploring, can hold a good job, and who doesn't come with ex-wives or kids or alimony payments.

I am so screwed. I am destined to be alone and miserable.

Well, to complete the night, I intend to sabotage my work performance by staying up all night writing, and then calling in sick to work and spending the day recovering. Writing - first an acknowledgement to Pitch and then see if there's anything for the Book of Mol. Lately I've not been able to focus on the Book much and mostly rehashing the same things. Not making a plan or moving forward. I can see it plain as day, over and over, and over. If I don't get out of this hole, I am going to die here. Literally or figuratively. Or both.

I was recently watching Under the Tuscan Sun and after the divorce, Patty's sister talks about people who get 'stuck' after a divorce and just never get back on track, they are just a shell of a person for the rest of their lives and people can see it in their face and wonder "What happened to you"? Well, I have been stuck some time since March. That's a long time to be stuck. I am afraid its becoming habitual. I keep saying the same things in my journal and the Book and never moving forward and changing or fixing or preventing repetition of the same errors.

And again, as so often recently, I feel the sense of time passing, the rising tide of panic, of getting older, of opportunities passing by, of waning energy, of being a lost soul, of fearing that I could spend the rest of my life, whatever time that may be, and not find fulfillment. That's it. A fear of dying unfulfilled. And how can you ever find fulfillment if you are not clear on what it is that you want?

Why is life so difficult? And depressing?

Beth
Distinguished Member

Joined:	9 January 2008
Location:	SmallTown, Mississippi USA
Posts:	1054

Posted: 20 August 2009 12:22 pm

Quote

Hey, MM! How've you been doing? I see you're still chasing the boys. I say that because when they are 90, most of them are still boys. I've decided they are strange creatures to try to figure out. My hubs tells me when he met me I was very explicit in letting everyone know I didn't need anyone's help with anything and men were uncomfortable being too mannerly to me. They thought it would offend me. And all these years I just thought they were goats!

Maybe I did carry the independence thing a little too far. I could have let men open the door for me instead of me opening the door for them. I think it's part of surviving at corporate. I just felt if you show any sign of weakness, the meanies smell the blood and will start circling. I always tried so hard to be one of the guys to try and fit in.

If I had it to do over, I wouldn't spend so much of my time trying to be one of the guys and I wouldn't work so #%@&! hard trying to prove myself. I would walk very softly and carry a BIG stick. I would also play golf with them because I think a lot of decisions are made on the golf course.

The toughest women I met in business were all smiles and kind words and always looked and acted like ladies. When they were crossed, the tone just got slightly stern and you knew they meant business. Steel magnolias. I think it would help tremendously if more women in business had female mentors. That's how the men do it.

Anyway, those are strictly my opinions. Heck, I can't even find a secretarial job. Maybe I'm scaring them off, too. Maybe I should dumb down my resume or something. I am seriously considering botox!

Take care!

Lami
Distinguished Member

Joined:	14 January 2009
Location:	Edinburgh, United Kingdom
Posts:	900

Posted: 20 August 2009 04:36 pm

Quote

MM it's his loss....don't give yourself a hard time. Appreciate the good things and let the rest go.

How can you know you're not fulfilled if you don't know what it is you want? How do you know? What if you are fulfilled and just don't know it? Imagine what fulfilled looks like and aim for it? What does it sound like, smell like, feel like?

Have you heard of Kolb's Learning Cycle? (you probably have) have a look at that and put you're current situation into the cycle? what do you come up with?

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 21 August 2009 12:34 am

Quote

Mending Activity

Beth and Lami, thanks for your comments and advice. :heart:

After a pretty tough day I am doing much better. I love my friend EF, she and S have been my confidants along the way. I called her at work on her lunchtime, she went out to her car so we could have a nice talk, and I got a lot of it out, tears and all. She's coming down Saturday to spend some time with me.

I did in fact get a message off to Pitch around 3:30AM and then a quick message to S to let her know the outcome. I fluttered off and then she called me around 4 as she was getting up (east coast time). I dozed after and woke up around 7:30 after hitting the snooze several times; finally gave up and did call in sick to work. I did miss an important conference call because I simply could not deal. My job just isn't important to me any more, and its another clue that I need to find a life's occupation which has meaning and passion.

I walked to Starbucks around 11 (tried to jog but calf flared) and got coffee and my lo-fat turkey bacon sandwich. I sat on the patio as usual but the tears came shortly thereafter and I had to leave. Back to the house, got some laundry going so I'd have clean jeans. Then did my toning uppers/lowers 1+2/abs, 36 minutes. Later I ended up going for a walk/jog, really lightly just a bit at a time, I just needed the motion and exercise. Altogether I got in a good 5 miles today and no doubt it is contributing to my improved mood. That, and the fact that I haven't eaten since breakfast, which means I haven't put any c-r-a-p foods in my body like I've been too prone to do as of late.

I decided that for a change of pace, and to get out of the house, and stay away from my darker influences, to go for some live music tonight. There is a swing band playing at the world famous Green Mill and I am up for a new experience. Pitch and I were supposed to go there together for my first time so its a bit symbolic as well. Andrew who is also a non-club friend was the perfect choice and he loves that kind of music, but he cannot go tonight. So I've invited Chris, who at least is a guy I don't have feelings for and someone I can talk to (and have) about Pitch and where I am in life. (BTW, he fell asleep at 9 last night and never made it out). He's coming by around 8:30 and then we will head out.

One other thing I want to get down is the fact that Pitch has set me off thinking about why it is that I never had the desire to start a family. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I never was with someone who wanted kids and who was an obvious good provider and who I felt could and would take care of me/us. I've never really allowed myself to visualize a life like that. And so thinking of one such as Pitch, and trying to picture what it would be like to be a wife and a mother to a couple of little Pitch rugrats, and its not terribly hard to imagine. Its got a pretty warm and comfortable and contented feel to it, actually. Giving up my career and stepping down wouldn't be difficult either, I know that. I've always said kids "nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there"; I enjoy my friends kids and then go home. But maybe there is a different light under which I need to examine the issue. And once I hit my mid 30's I always said that if it 'accidentally' happened with L then I would embrace it and I am sure I would not regret becoming a mom.

Regardless of all that, Pitch is clear that the moving/working overseas scenario is a huge retarding factor. He is sensing his own biological clock ticking (in a manner of speaking) and ready to get started. As well as mine, obviously. So even if I decided that I wanted rugrats, waiting a few years wouldn't be feasible for either of us.

I have to get in the shower and get ready. I am grateful for all the caring friends who have helped me get through this day. Now, I am going to get my 'Rock Star' on and have a great night.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 21 August 2009 04:42 pm

Quote

Lami, I looked up the Kolb's learning cycle (which I have not heard of actually) and maybe its just where my head is at but I can't seem to get my head around it. Sigh. I'll try again in a day or two.

I am not going to post the videos because it will just lead to more wallowing but I've had songs from Billy Bragg's Workers' Playtime album on the brain. Simple, mournful, aching..."The Price I Pay" "Little Time Bomb" "The Only One". In a gesture of - defiance? friendship? trying to maintain the attraction? - I texted a photo to Pitch from the Green Mill last night and we had a little banter back and forth this morning. We both played trumpet and both love swing. From which action on my part I have clearly derived the following: I don't know how to put my feelings or my desire for Pitch into check right now, as I said before "putting the Genie back into the bottle".
I don't want to cut off and cut him out entirely and yet, what good could come of a path where I continue and linger on with bottled up desire for more? Talking it out with Chris last night helped me see what is going to happen. Pitch is determined to fulfill his vision of starting a family. He's an extremely "good catch" and will have no problem, I am sure, finding a nice "girl next door" type to settle down with fairly quickly. I can continue to be 'friends' with Pitch and carry on for now, and then once he finds a girlfriend he will be less interested in spending time with me, and then the said girlfriend certainly will not understand, nor permit, him to spend one on one time with me any more. Girls are jealous, and I should know, I am one, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend/future husband spending one on one time with another girl, either. So, that special time Pitch and I have right now, when we talk about ourselves and our minds and how we view the world, and music, and self-expression, without artificial barriers, with complete uninhibited trust, sharing our barest thoughts, will vanish. I am going to lose the part of him which is the most magical to me and I cannot bear it. This, you just don't find with many people, there is always something held back. And if I keep on in the same train with him, as we have, for now, its going to be even harder to tear myself away later. I guess I need to do some serious thinking about this for my own protection. I miss him already. My heart aches. :(

Well a quick recap of last night: Chris was late getting to my place, we hung out for about an hour and then headed over to the Green Mill. It was completely swinging and I enjoyed it. I stood in back by the trumpets for a spell just swelling on the vibe of old memories of playing in jazz band. After Green Mill no more drinks for me, and staying off the Rocketship was a Very Good Thing or the evening might have ended much differently. Chris and I migrated over to #1 for a very short spell; it was dead; then a quick stop in to McD's for fries and then off to #3. Jason had texted me a number of times during the course of the evening but being a 'dark influence" I had no plans to see him. It turned out however that he was at #3 when we arrived there. This guy has nothing to offer me in terms of stability or a relationship and yet in the short run there continues to be a pretty strong attraction and intrigue between the two of us, and we had a little "conversation" on the stairwell. I was attempting to keep Chris unawares but as it turned out he buzzed past Jason and I on the stairwell while we were lip to lip. Chris was ready to go home around 2, and offered to leave me with Jason but I quickly said no and got a ride home.

So I was home at a decent hour, sober, just tired, and yet stayed up further on the networking site with Spike, who has been another supportive ear, and Shred and I hailed each other. I think I would like to see Shred again, but until I get my emotions in check and my head on straight it will be better to just not see anyone. Duh.

EF is supposed to phone shortly; think I am going to go make some brekkie and coffee. I had a cheese sandwich when I got home last night, I had better get in a walk/run today to keep burning off calories.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 21 August 2009 11:53 pm

Quote

Fulfillment

I am having an absolutely great introspective day today, in the wake of Pitch. I had a bit of a breakthrough and some new thoughts while running on the lakefront path and sat down on Mol's Hill and got them down in the Book of Mol. Generally not anything I want to rehash here just yet and certainly no conclusions, but it felt freaking awesome to get to that special mental plane beyond the rut, the rote, and crawl into nooks and crannies I never knew existed. I want and need more of that, more forward movement, more knowing and seeing and making conscious observations and decisions about who I am and what I want out of this life.

The one thing I do want to put down, is that for me there is more than one path to fulfillment, more than one brilliant outcome, in fact, I am more likely than most people to end up contented. Why? Because, I am so open to what is or what may become. To borrow a relevant bit from my response to Pitch's message:

"I’ve always been more prone in life to follow sentiment than structure, intuition versus fact, and so I find myself at a juncture in life with some questions answered, some good ideas, and a pretty open attitude towards what will fulfill me for the long haul. I know that having a like-minded, committed partner is a big piece of my equation. Your message reminds me that I need to refocus on this priority, knowing myself and creating my vision…what is known in my world as “writing the Book of Mol”.

And so, I continue onward in contemplation and marvel that my own willingness to be easily satisfied, to arrive at any one of many possible outcomes, is a good characteristic to have . That must be and has now become part of the vision. I am more optimistic than before that things will come together and I will yet find fulfillment in this life. :grin:

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 22 August 2009 05:45 pm

Quote

A Saturday in Late August

I took K to #1 last night for her first time and we had fun, it was cool finding a gal who was interested in clubbing together and sharing tales of our escapades. We pre-partied and then ended up drinking absinthe shots along with vodka drinks which was, obviously, a recipe for getting really stone drunk. Chris Ian and Carlton were all there, D of course along with E, and L. The music was good but I overdid the dancing a bit and strained the calf again/further. Need to give it some TLC today, rubs and heat/cold.

K left around 1:30 to go meet a boyfriend and I ended up staying a short while longer and until the alcohol kindof all hit me at once; I ended begging a ride home from L, which was a mistake.

I am so pleased for Ian; his brilliant muscial self and his ability to network are leading to some exciting professional opportunities for him in the scene.

I've just made the most delightful omelet of 1egg+2 whites, with bits of grape tomato, red pepper, ham and feta cheese. My toaster decided to go to toaster heaven, so I resorted to open flame and it worked well enough.

EF will be here in 3 1/2 hours but we will only have 2 hours of girl time and then her b/f is coming down to join us for dinner. I don't have a headache but the drinking has left me lightheaded and I am not going to get much quality thinking/writing accomplished in the next couple of hours. Shame really, I was on such a roll yesterday. My life would be soooo different if I'd just knock off the drinking, but I just keep medicating...

And its just occurred to me, while I had fun last night, this story is getting old. I mean, the part about wasting the entire next day, or some of the things that happened, because of the drinking. I seem to go in cycles where I actually realize this and at least make an effort to stop or cut back, and other times, I seem completely oblivious to my own history and patterns and consequences. I know its typically a reaction to other things going on in my life. It would be nice to figure out a different way to redirect those powerful emotions into something constructive. I know that my bum calf is getting in the way of good workouts right now and that's the #1 way I know to 'take the edge off' when I am on the Rocketship. I think its the aspect of physical activity which helps to reset the chemicals in the body and brain. "Quiet" and passive activities like writing or painting or playing music don't seem to work well enough. It's a problem.

And as I remind myself via the title of this post, time is ticking by. And there is more urgency than ever in coming up with answers. I cannot believe I actually heard my biological clock ticking.

Last edited on 24 August 2009 12:15 am by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 23 August 2009 06:19 am

Quote

A Letter to Pitch

After 2 days of rumination and introspection I've written an extremely long letter to Pitch, which I intend to sit on until a specified date about 6 weeks from now, forcing myself to think seriously and giving myself a period to see if my thoughts change.

EF came and we had 2.5 hours together then some chat time with her boyfriend before heading out to dinner. It was fun and good for both of us.

It feels good to be staying in. I've had the radio on while writing and am falling asleep most pleasantly. Just got a text from Chris asking if I was out, which I was glad to respond to with a negative.

As I refocus on the Book of Mol and answers to the questions, I need to keep my head clear. It's the only way to get to the answers and know that they are real and deliberate. I owe it to myself to move things forward and start living the life I've been preparing for.

jackbenimble
Distinguished Member

Joined:	1 May 2008
Location:	Smalltown, USA
Posts:	2120

Posted: 23 August 2009 10:12 am

Quote

Hey MM,

That bud-lite video was a riot! Sorry to hear about Pitch. I really hope you manage to drop the cigarettes! I have an addictive, instant gratification personality myself, and when I smoked, it was nearly impossible to quit!

Lami
Distinguished Member

Joined:	14 January 2009
Location:	Edinburgh, United Kingdom
Posts:	900

Posted: 23 August 2009 04:10 pm

Quote

Hi MM, You're doing really well through this difficult time. I was surprised you hadn't heard of Kolb's learning cycle.

The thing with Kolb's learning cycle is you start with your experience, reflect on it. Then comes critical analysis looking at why, how, who, wherefores etc. and then taking action.

Everyone has different experiences and some people will have alternative solutions to an identical problem. That's because we are not neutral we have values, opinions, experiences etc which also make us think and act in certain ways. Some times our experiences can get in the way of making an alternative decision and we get stuck in a rut. If we understand some of the decisions we're taking are as a result of our experiences and not through critical analysis, we can try something different from a perspective that is not based on our 'experiences' Start by asking what's the problem/situation/issue? why do I think like that? is my experience making me react? can I view it from a different perspective? what am I going to do about it.

I don't know that I've made sense but once you get your head into gear have another go. It's not as complicated as it seems.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 24 August 2009 12:02 am

Quote

The End of the Hardcopy Book of Mol and More Weaves

Well it was a reasonable night's sleep, for me, nearly 7 hours, and I felt pretty good today. I tried to make the most of a spectacular sunny day, high of 75, cool this morning. I made it to Starbucks around 9 and had an apple bran muffin. The patio tables were all occupied but a man invited me to join him, Leo, and we talked for about 40 minutes.

After Leo left, I finished up the last 3 pages in the hardcopy Book of Mol. I deliberately have avoided trying to force an artificial conclusion or timetable, as though there were some predestined fate that I would reach all the right conclusions and find my way just as the pages ran out. Too easy to see that and say hmmmm...weave of threads...but that's not serious thinking, that's just fantasy. However, I am, and have, taken it as a forced pause. I will not purchase another Book until and unless I reread the entire Book, distill the key observations, and determine what questions are answered and what questions remain. Cause if I just buy another Book and keep on spinning, it will be another year of this aimless churning and I want to take my learnings and move on to another playground.

In another of lifes nice weave of threads however, just to enjoy this one, shortly thereafter Stanley came by and sat down with me, copy of Eat Pray Love in hand. We talked loads and loads about life and making choices and soul searching....He's now past the India part and I told him about how I'd just filled my journal I'd been writing in since last December and pulled out, flipped through and read to him a bit I'd written where her Guru says "Fear? Who Cares?" and how at the time it was as if I suddenly was able to breathe, to visualize, to believe things were possible. It was pretty cool to read someone a very personal bit from the hard copy Book of Mol, I've only shared any of my writing once before. And that whole EPL connection...another weave...

While I was talking with Stanley, someone did a double-take on the sidewalk and then stopped and said hello. It was RLF, one from the old club circle I haven't seen in 15 years and who I've just seen on the networking site recently. It turns out, he was married and divorce and is engaged now to a woman he used to go out with - they had broken up after 6 years, married their rebound partners, each got divorce, and now found each other again and are blissfully happy and getting married soon and raising her 2 girls. How utterly delightful to see someone else at this age, from the old crowd, finding this kind of happiness. Another weave...

After, I came home and sat in the yard with C-Dog for a spell while he enjoyed the weather and rolled in the grass. I decided to give the stinky boy a bath finally, which didn't take long, and then packed him up to take a walk in my beloved woods. But then I got the urge to grab a blanket and we walked to a meadow and spread out, and I began the process of re-reading the hard copy Book of Mol and making notes of Mol's Tips for Self Improvement and Rules of the Eternal Cosmos. Suitably enough, since I had no paper, on the inside back page of S**'s book I was reading while in Arizona, the one which Pitch appears in, the one that inspired my writing project, the one that made me know that people like me do exist, and some of them actually do get paid for their off-centeredness...another weave...

I got maybe about 1/3 of the way through when both nature's call and C-Dog inspired me to pack up. Then I fell to the glorious temptation of Superdawg Drive-In and had a Superdawg with fries and chocolate malt. And loved every freaking second of it.

After coming back home, I took another walk back down to Starbucks for a decaf and am now awaiting a visit from L, who is bringing M-Dog over and picking up mail. I sent a picture text of the meadow to Pitch earlier as in former days, and was hailed by Shred on the networking site a while ago, but am glad it's been quiet. I don't want all that hormonal white noise buzzing on my radio frequency right now. I've got a ton more thinking to do about rugrats and the like and need to do it in a clutter-free zone if I can.

Not looking forward to the work week that is for sure. I do have to get a vacation/trip planned to look forward to and consciously work to maintain my calm. This 4 day weekend has been what the doctor ordered; and I definitely can benefit from some more. Having time off to look forward to will be good.

Oh - and - Occam's Razor : The simplest answer tends to be the right one.

Hope everyone has a great week! :smile:

Last edited on 24 August 2009 12:22 am by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 24 August 2009 06:06 am

Quote

1AM and no sign of sleepy although I am obviously tired. Ended up going to see Inglorious Basterds with L and while he left here by 11:30, I puttered around and then have snacked etc. I just checked mymonthlycycles and Sunday was day 14 so possible I am right at ovulation which is always the time when I have trouble sleeping. Xanax has ensued.

In any event, I just put together a much shorter email to Pitch which may be suitable to send in the next couple of days before things cool off too much. I gotta read it again with a fresh mind and set of eyes.

OK I am tired I just popped on to get that down. GNight!!

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 24 August 2009 09:49 pm

Quote

Me

Oh man, it was not a good sleep night and when I awoke every muscle in my body felt horribly weak and achey. I hit the snooze for about an hour and a half before giving up and calling in to the office. :( Not happy with myself there. However, it turns out I started improving 10:00 after I woke up and had some coffee, and increasingly better as the day went on. I actually went out and got some exercise, about 3 miles walking with just a tiny bit of jogging (the calf is still really tight and prone to pulling). Then YAAAAY toning u/L1+2/a and am feeling pretty darn good now physically and mentally. Wondering if the muscular thing had to do with hormones, or something I ate - I had some pretty big snacking last night which included bleu cheese and oatnut bread.

Today, due to eating so much last night. I've only eaten a banana and my tummy feels nice and flat after my workout. Sweet. Going to have a smallish dinner and then complete my weigh-in. Hopefully it won't be terrible, but I've consumed too many empty calories the past few weeks and it shows.

It was a glorious weather day once more and I am so glad I stayed home and got to soak in a bit of the sunshine inbetween phone calls. I haven't been to the office since last Weds, which was the night that I heard back from Pitch. I'll be back in tomorrow and should be much more ready to focus on work again. Oh, Steve also tomorrow, I'll get in early to make sure I am ready for "coach".

I am going to shower soon and then try once more to plan a getaway. I am going to build a firepit tonight and just relaxxxxxxx. Must resist the urge to invite anyone to join me...so I can stay focused on ME.

TONIGHT ABOVE ALL ELSE NEEDS TO BE A GOOD SLEEP NIGHT!!!!! ONE GOAL, AND ONE GOAL ONLY. I CAN DO IT! :D

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 24 August 2009 11:53 pm

Quote

Challenge weigh-in 128. I am satisfied with that, I've not been eating well and haven't been able to run.

I increasingly feel that oh-to-familiar Rocketship buzz get going, from feeling pretty darn good, sharp and on my game this afternoon to now being lightheaded, fuzzy face, and a little agitated. Why? Deep breaths...

I am trying to make plans, plans for vacation, plans to meet family coming in to town next weekend, trying to handle how to approach Pitch's landmark bday coming up shortly. This is supposed to be fun! Ugh.....all of this uncertainty relating to Europe is forcing a sense of finite time vanishing maybe that is it. Too many moving parts, and all of them important. Deep breaths...

At least I ignored Chris' text about 30 mins ago looking to hang out tonight. :thumbsup:

GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP! GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP! GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP! I must keep on chanting my mantra... :grin:

...think its working...

Sassykat
Distinguished Member

Joined:	14 February 2007
Location:	Smalltown, Colorado USA
Posts:	2345

Posted: 25 August 2009 01:30 am

Quote

Hope you have sweet dreams Molly! Sleep tight. Getting a good nights sleep is important to me too. I keep my bedroom as dark as possible, get off the computer a couple hours before bed, take magnesium and calcium before bed... I use to take melatonin to help me sleep... Ever tried that?

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 25 August 2009 03:41 am

Quote

Ooooh I am glad I came back here cause its 10:30 and I need to hit the hay.

I booked flights to Amsterdam finally and am checking around for a sitter for CDog but am having a much more difficult time than expected finding an affordable hotel. And by affordable I am talking about under $250 per night. I was hoping for a place with a fitness center but have got to face reality. The dollar's so weak right now...

L's been sending me all kinds of email and picture texts since last night, I guess I've made another mistake by going out to the movie with him last night.

I miss Pitch. I got a touchbase text from him in response to my picture yesterday. No indication of getting together again. Things aren't the same. One day at a time I guess.

Sassy - I've got all the bad habits - staying on the computer too late; don't sleep in the bed since the divorce, eating late at night being major contributors. It's too late for me to fix the latter, since I ended up pigging out all night too night (shamefaced). But I am going to bed now, and since it was brought up, I am going to do in the bed and not the couch tonight. Thanks. :) Haven't tried melatonin, I am notorious for forgetting to take my vitamins even, I am just not much of a pill taker, actually, despite how this journal must read.

Good night!!

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 25 August 2009 10:34 pm

Quote

Well I made it to bed a few minutes after 11 which would have resulted in 6.75 hours of sleep had it worked. I was hot and uncomfortable (probably from eating a ton of stuff) and was in the bed for about 45 minutes before giving back up, heading onto the couch and getting back on the computer. I think I went to sleep around 1:30 and then was hitting the snooze relentlessly this morning, got about 5 hours I think.

So - I reaffirm my goal for this evening. A GOOD NIGHTS' SLEEP!

About to head out for a walk/run (see if I can get the calf to let up a bit, fingers crossed). I went on the Rocketship today pretty much all day and am worn out yet wired. Because...

I got an email from my boss that he, the Europe VP and the President met and approved and the job proposal is going to the CEO. The part I am chuffed about is that the decision has been made to NOT relocate me and it will be based out of Chicago with travel to Europe. He didn't say anything about the apartment outside London but that should be negotiable. I am pretty glad to have some directional feedback and I am pleased that I will continue to have decent continuation of the life I have carved out for myself here in the city in the past six months. I love Chicago. I say that in reference to the positive aspects of course, like my friends and my little universe of running/biking and my Starbucks, not the drinking and boys and all that.

Of course I didn't waste any time relaying this info to Pitch. We had a couple of exchanges today but he's just found out he has to go to Denmark tomorrow and back on Friday. Freaking 48 hour run. He also is tied up Saturday night and didn't say what, so I am naturally supposing he has a date. His communications are definitely squarely back in the 'friend' tone, I mean, he's responding quickly but strictly fact-based. However we may get together Sunday eve. I'm the one making most of the effort right now and I wish I knew whether there is anyone else significant in the equation. We've acknowledged that we have both been dating and both not talking about it to the other. I suppose if it IS a date and we are 'just friends' he could have just said so. Eh. I dunno....reading too much into it and am gonna get on my merry way... :cool:

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 26 August 2009 03:43 am

Quote

Ready? O.- K.

Whoops. Ya'll did know I did a stint as a basketball cheerleader senior year in high school. I was showing my super cool industrial clubby friend Chris my photo albums one time and he saw the picture - I thought he would crack up but he said yeah, he could see it, something about my electric smile when I grin. :grin:

Anyway...back from a stint @ Starbucks which I spent looking for a place to stay in Amsterdam. Hotels there are freaking expensive but S turned me on to looking @ apartment listings from Craigslist and that looks like a great option. No room service and no hot tub but I'll probably have a fridge and I'm always good for ham and cheese sandwiches in the hotel room - saves money and keeps me from eating fattening crud.

My calf muscle is much better today! But I still took it cautiously and walked a lot so 3.1M 2.1J/1.0W "ish" totally guessing there, but 41 minutes.

I am already poised for bed and avoiding food, having a N.A. beer and taking my Xanax so settling in for that good nights' sleep.

Oh, I forgot to say, Dr. B was surprised today and that's to be expected. Not critical, she was checking my soundness of logic and I think she's convinced that I am rational and have a good thought process and perspective going....how nice for a change. As I've put it to friends, either its an ephiphany or insanity...only time will tell...

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 26 August 2009 04:13 am

Quote

Dang it! Argh! Snacksnacksnacksnacksnacksnack is the devil. :devil:

I just ate:

1/2 pita with spring mix salad, a scoop of avacado 2 slices of turkey and lo-fat thousand

Followed by:

Baked tostitos scoops and 1/2 jar of black bean and corn salsa

Followed by

1/2 a crumpet with some chocolate syrup

Errrrrr...now let's see how long it is before I sleep.

Duh. :nono:

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 26 August 2009 03:01 pm

Quote

Well I think I finally fell asleep around 2 and woke up to the alarm at 6 and probably was not in a deep sleep all night. Was very warm and just not at all in a good sleep mode. Try to do better today. I don't like taking Xanax either, it always puts me off a bit the next day.

Relatedly, a bit on the agitated & dizzy side this AM, although my sense of humour is abounding and I am rather having fun and connecting with people again. I cannot find anyone availble to go out to lunch with me however but I am still trying!

Regular brekkie today, just trying to normalize, even though I ate a lot last night. Egg+1 bacon+1 wheat toast. Fandango.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 26 August 2009 07:01 pm

Quote

Miscellaneous Midday Meanderings

Lunch @ Potbelly, cannot seem to sit still today, had to get offsite and have a smoke. Too many things on the brain at once. Then M&M's and now a few leftover chips. I wish "the half of me that wants to be good" would make an appearance. Hoping for a weather break later so I can get in a good workout. A 5 miler would be nice. It's been raining all day however.

I am worried about Jason. He had to go in to county hospital for wrist surgery to get a plate put in yesterday @ 7AM and I haven't heard from him in spite of numerous phone calls and texts. I just want to know that he's OK.

I almost freaked - some girl I don't know just uploaded and tagged Pitch in some grainy party photos which were just posted on on the networking site...OMG he said he was with his family the past 2 weekends....then I realized the photos were taken at our h.s. party a couple of weeks ago and the busty blonde chick mugging for the camera with him...was S. :) While he was sitting between the two of us at the group dinner. Dork.

Yeah, I've not unplugged from liking Pitch one bit, have I. I gotta get another true blue qualified real honest-to-goodness romantic interest.

First, I gotta find lodging in Amsterdam. Couple of options I explored last night haven't panned out. Hmmmmm I'll go that that for a spell...

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 26 August 2009 07:46 pm

Quote

He's OK.

Still can't find an affordable place in central Amsterdam. I may have to change my dates. :(

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 12:33 am

Quote

Fall Weather

The weather appears to be cooperating, it's cool and cloudy but the rain has stopped. Happy to be able to wear long pants and long sleeves for a change. I am hydrating and getting up the motivation to go for my run. 5 mile run versus the call of Pizza and Mike's Hard Lemonade and being fairly calm now I am going to win this one. I'm back off the Rocketship finally after a pretty buzzy most of the day. I should start tracking cycle duration again, this one lasted nearly 12 hours.

I feel absolutely fat at the moment and scale tipped 129 when I got home. Well Duh, when you eat enough for 2 days every single day, that's gonna happen. :dizzy:

Gonna try to skip dinner, I've enough to eat all day anyway.

ETA: Yay. I won. 5 miles. Although both of my calves are really snarky, won't loosen up and I have to keep walking in between to keep them from pulling. So probably about 3J/2W and a total of around 1:07. If my legs were working I feel like I could have gone for 10. Just getting that feeling of motion going, of burning it all off, off the cool air on my face, of liberation going down the sidewalk on a dark damp fallish night...what is it about this weather that moves me...

Last edited on 27 August 2009 02:08 am by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 03:16 am

Quote

Had a nice bubbly bath and then ready to go to bed "early" (meaning 10) and wouldn't you know it the cleaning lady comes tomorrow and the house isn't picked up.

Eff. I am just going to try to get to sleep and set my alarm early. Hope it works.

Oh, I had a small salad for dinner, probably 140 cals.

Yay. Gnight! I hope!

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 05:10 am

Quote

I took Xanax, turned out the light, and really wasn't sleepy enough. Got up to read for a bit or something. I'm in a strangely calm place tonight and was enjoying re-reading a bit more of s****s book and the Book of Mol. I sense I have pulled out of the eddy and into calmer waters and while I don't know if will last for just a few hours, days or weeks, its awfully nice to be here. Hello. :smile:

Moments of clarity which are not driven by anxiety or boys or work and are just about me enjoying life, have been a bit uncommon lately. Even my lovely excursion downtown 2 weeks ago was triggered largely by Pitch and the aftermath of that.

I have to get up in less than 6 hours again so I am going to resist the urge to do some good writing, which feels like I am on the cusp of. I want to do some more reading again soon too. It is soothing and calming. I've been desperately staying active to keep my mind occupied and not feel so alone in recent months, and now, I want to get back to that calmer state. Surely, knowing I am not moving to Europe helps. :)

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 05:55 pm

Quote

Peacemaker

I find myself, strangely enough, in the role of peacemaker soothing the ruffled feathers of my direct reports, and other managers, conflicting over matters of policy, process, and common sense. Having delegated, over the course of the last couple of years, most of my day to day activities, it is interesting to sit back now, and see the same issues I faced in that role playing out on the field in front of me. What is cool is, I took the opportunity with my team today to say - we are not going to get wrapped up in that, what is important is to get the work done, the need satisfied, and we'll worry later about pointing fingers, lets "git 'er done". The nods of acknowlegement and the team's satisfaction of taking the high road, and knowing I have their butts covered when the rubber meets the road, makes me feel like a better leader than I know I have been in recent months.

It feels really good, and I am lucky to have such an excellent team of people working for me. They rock.

jackbenimble
Distinguished Member

Joined:	1 May 2008
Location:	Smalltown, USA
Posts:	2120

Posted: 27 August 2009 09:54 pm

Quote

I like the content of your speech. I would be nodding my head too. Some managers are focused on the time you spend at work, rather than the job you do. Like my boss. She gave us a rousing speech the other day. It went something like "work hard so we can give more jobs to other people". Huh?

Last edited on 27 August 2009 09:54 pm by jackbenimble

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 10:52 pm

Quote

I Got A Bad Feeling

S's romantic interest in the other guy from h.s. ended up crash landing about 10 days ago and she's moving on.

So, S knows all the details relating to where things are at with me and Pitch. She knows that the kids thing is a fork in the road and she knows I am off exploring this dimension of myself. Today we were talking and she said she was going to call him, she hasn't talked to him in a while, and added "I think he's the Bomb." Uh.

Now, Pitch told me a story about how at the 10-year reunion he thought S and this other gal were totally smokin. I also know that he has a high opinion of her. And she's at a point where she is, I'd say, aggressively looking to settle down and either start or inherit a family.

Before I told S I was attracted to Pitch I asked her if she liked him, because I thought there was a possibility of a little something there, but she denied it. That's when she staked her claim elsewhere and I was free to stake mine in Pitch. But I guess since he and I are not dating, it would be 'fair game' for them.

I am not sure that they are compatible, I know she likes the rugged, Army, adventurous type and he is much more bookish and music oriented, but S can pretty much attract any man she sets her mind to. It does make me a bit jealous and uneasy. I don't think she'd ever 'cut in' on a relationship of mine, but Pitch has obviously been thinking and has put the kid thing first, and well - there she is, ready to go.

I guess if something did happen there, I can only say 'good for them', I mean, I don't ever want to be with a guy unless I rock his world and he's so sure about me that he's not looking at anyone else.

But, not happy at the moment. Not at all. Hopefully I will look back on this post and laugh.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 27 August 2009 11:50 pm

Quote

Primitives - Sick of It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmOPwMVmVck
don't say you're having fun
there's no fire in your sun
there's nothing here that is real
nothing that I'd stay here for
nothing I'd like to steal
And I'm sick of it all
I'm sick of it
don't say you're heaven nigh
there's no stars in your sky
there's nothing here that is real
well nothing that I'd stay here for
nothing I'd like to steal
And I'm sick of it all
I'm sick of it
there's nothing here that is real
nothing that I'd stay here for
nothing I'd like to steal
And I'm sick of it all
I'm sick of it
don't say you're having fun
(don't say you're heaven nigh)
there's no fire in your sun
(there's no stars in your sky)
sick of it
sick of it all
sick of it
sick of it all
(to fade)

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 28 August 2009 01:07 am

Quote

Well.

I am gearing up for #3 but planning to keep it early. I thought Jason might venture over tonight as a solace and distraction from his wrist but last time I heard he was in a lot of pain, so doubtful. : ( However, Chris is going to meet me over there later.

There are some things which need doing tonight.

1. Find a freaking place to stay in Amsterdam, even if it costs too much.

2. Review CHS project for work and shoot off an email.

3. Manage the Rocketship. 2 drinks.

I owe it to myself to prove I can go have a good little clean fun and still have a good day at work tomorrow. Also I have a fab weekend ahead and if I am a good girl there will be lots of enjoyment, camraderie, and the prospect of a potential Sunday evening with Pitch.

I think I'll gear up, get dressed, and then head over to Starbucks to finish my homework assignments. Work first, play second.

zenobia
Distinguished Member

Joined:	19 April 2006
Location:	Not Quite Sane, Arizona USA
Posts:	3190

Posted: 28 August 2009 06:48 am

Quote

ok, as for finding a place in amsterdam. IMHO, i have found that really, a person doesn't spend a whole lot of time in a hotel room. i have been faced with the question of "well, i can get this place super cheap, but it's a communal shower/bathroom" and then "i can get this place for a few extra bucks and have a private bathroom AND shower. and it's the best location, and really, if i am spending a lot of time in the hotel room, well, is that why i am here? " (sometimes, yeah, that is why... other times, it's the outside of the hotel room part) so really look at your priorities. this has worked for me in the past. and the best times i have had have had pretty freaking close to my "minimums" (i.e. let me have my own shower--- oh, the sleeping area was about 10x12 and the bath was an itty bitty shower and my own toilet... one of the best trips i have ever had). just a thought since you've been searching for a while......
but yeah, essentially it is personal preference. :smile:

zenobia
Distinguished Member

Joined:	19 April 2006
Location:	Not Quite Sane, Arizona USA
Posts:	3190

Posted: 28 August 2009 07:03 am

Quote

Hisgal
Distinguished Member

Joined:	27 March 2006
Location:	Smalltown, Minnesota USA
Posts:	3892

Posted: 28 August 2009 02:21 pm

Quote

Zen! Hi! I was thinking of you on and off, but just recently when I walked in our brand new Walgreen's! I hope you are doing well! :tongue:

Mol..............I think you made a passing reference to some "Mike's" in one of your posts. I don't know your preferences, but "Mike's" makes a Light Hard Cranberry that is only 98 calories............compared to almost 300 calories in a regular one. Just FYI......the hubs and I have been enjoyed an occasional one this summer, on a warm night, so thought I'd share the info. :tongue:

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 28 August 2009 07:22 pm

Quote

Pattern

I did it again last night. Those "first 2" drinks went down super quickly and were followed by mmmm ???? more. Chris and I migrated from #3 to #2 around 12:30 when I should have been going home, and I ended up closing #2.

Sure had a LOT of fun and dancing; but at the same time, the consequences I was pre-aware of from the drinking have come true. Lack of sleep (3 hours) and suffering. Overslept. Not on my best game @ the office (Man...right now light hurts my eyes). Empty calories. Lack of motivation to workout today. And of course there were guy consequences, cause that is what I do. I told Chris entirely too much about Jason and Shred and he in turn leaked something private about me to Ian and his gf...which really surprised and #%@&! me off. I think he was pretty liquored up. Texted Jason to come out (didn't work of course-wrist). Texted Shred to come out (didn't work of course-already in bed). I was super flirty all night and eventually spent some time kissing (in the fishbowl no less) one of the post-apocalyptic regulars I've known for a while and mentioned somewhere in here before, and got a ride home from him. I was a little interested in him before, but had assumed for months that the girl in the photo on the networking site was his g/f...turns out he doesn't have one, just a lot of female friends. [By the way he is the sweetest shyest guy and extremely artistically gifted...and asked me out to dinner tonight. He's already texted me twice today. And, he thinks I am wayyyy younger than I actually am. :grin:

. But a smoker....yuck...I never would have kissed him sober.]

Is this just medicating or intentional self-destruction?

I need to unplug. If I did have a shot at Pitch or someone like him, I'd just be effing it up anyway with all this nonsense.

Oh, along those lines, coincidentally, S's romantic interest unexpectedly poked his nose out of the rabbit hole last night so she's all back on that trail again. Thankfully.

Last edited on 29 August 2009 02:23 pm by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 28 August 2009 11:48 pm

Quote

I had the good fortune of receiving a friend's objective perspective on me. Having direction and goals, while making the most of the journey of getting there, those ARE pivotal to me, how I work. I think it comes from a childhood of "doing what was expected", and being lost when the destination and "rules" weren't defined FOR me. (You are a good student in school because you are "supposed to". You go to college because you are "supposed to". You go to grad school because you are "supposed to". And it goes to show just how directionless I am right now, that I am churning time in clubs with alcohol and boys, which is SUCH an exact replica of what was going on with me during college and for a period after...when I didn't know where I was heading, and before I "settled"and accepted simply what fell into my lap (my job, and L).

I don't know how to decide on the goals. I am exploring everything and considering everything and it is liberating and too overwhelming all at once. Maybe I should start by listening to my friends, they bring objectivity I seem determined to avoid for myself.

Time for a nap. I hope.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 29 August 2009 06:19 am

Quote

Unfortunately no nap and I am now one 'really freaking tired chick' and not even up for wandering around the city aimlessly, which sounds and feels so romantic at times.

Quickly then. Terrible food evening, ate whatever I wanted and then some, I think being so darn tired I was doing it just to try to feel better. L came over to drop off some Walker Crisps because he ordered a case, and I suggested Dairy Queen, had a sm. hot fudge sundae then came home and got into the chips. This is in addition to overeating "dinner".

L and talked for nearly 2 hours. It was more good then bad although he expressed some pretty deeply felt injuries which I can empathize with but generally not apologize for. But the less he knows about my personal comings and going, the better.

Speaking of which, 2 minutes after L left I got another text from xxxx and while I stayed in tonight and have to have an early night tomorrow, we are going to meet before he goes to #2 and therefore I have a date tommorrow evening. Probably won't want to kiss him though :)

OK. Good nights sleep tonight; getting up at 9, going for a run and then meeting family @ 11:30. Sleep + No Alcohol = Peaceful evening. Drifting....gnight...

jackbenimble
Distinguished Member

Joined:	1 May 2008
Location:	Smalltown, USA
Posts:	2120

Posted: 29 August 2009 11:18 am

Quote

MM,

I know what you mean about not having a direction. I don't think the clubs and the boys is that bad, in one sense. You're letting off steam after being locked into a unfulfilled lifestyle for many years. I'd be shocked if you don't let some steam off.

Nonetheless, it's clear that the rocketship needs a stabilizing influence. Maybe some spiritual or charitable activity would be interesting? Of course, this is like the pot calling the kettle black - I don't do either of those. But more's the pity.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 29 August 2009 04:00 pm

Quote

Flushing the Toxins

Actually slept less than expected, lighter and fitful, maybe it was still a leftover effect. Still, any decent nights' sleep is very welcome and combined with an 8AM wakeup, crisp fall weather with sun, and the prospect of seeing family today "its all good". Had a run, about 3.5M 3J/.5W 42:00 "ish". This is the first day since all the lockings up and scary stuff that my ankles and calves were at a point where they didn't feel at risk of pulling, they were decent. I still struggled a bit and walked intermittently, I think I am just a bit dehydrated and out of shape, but it was nice to have a flow and relax a bit more.

When I got home, in a very good and recharged state, I sat on the porch to finish listening to a song (New Order, Waiting for the Sirens' Call) and was surprised by some sudden leaky tears which welled out. What it felt like, was the toxins coming out of my eyes; I had sweated some out and then some leaked out my eyes. It was just a little bit, but it felt good.

Now, to go get ready to see my bro+partner (in from FLA) and my Dad and his gf, we are all getting together for lunch.

I love this fall weather. It's a good day.

Jack, thanks for your post. You are right. I am not a religious person as I think you know, but now that I seem to be able to exercise more I hope to get back involved more with the athletic charity. I am volunteering for them tomorrow at the Chicago triathalon, manning an aid station. :) Getting me up early and keeping me out of #2 tonight. :thumbsup:

Pat - yep, you are right, I like the Mike's Hard Lemonade the best, the light ones just aren't the same but I find if you have a fully leaded one first, you can switch to the light and then they are OK. :smile:

Zen - Craigslist. S's idea. I can get a whole apartment for half the price of a hotel. The issue I've been running into is availability. I may have to change my dates.

Pitch has surely been back from Denmark since yesterday evening and haven't heard a greeting from him. Things are not back to normal and I guess that's the way it has to be. Distance may be a good thing and help me maintain (or gain) perspective.

Happy Saturday everyone!

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6302

Posted: 29 August 2009 08:28 pm

Quote

Well surprise surprise. I got back from lunch with the fam and logged onto the networking site, and Pitch not only sent me a note saying he's back, but indicated that he 'is now available' tonight and wants to get together for a low-key evening if I am still free. It felt pretty good telling him that I have 'other plans' now. Still, feel a little bad for him, after all, he's melancholy about turning 40 which happens tonight at midnight. Oh well...there's always tomorrow evening.

Current time is 01:55 pm

Page:

... 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 ...