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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 December 2010 02:59 am |
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| You invited L to eat? That surprises me. Then hooked up with PAG? For real? You never cease to amaze me, Mols. You sound like you're on an upswing right now. I hope you enjoy the dancing. And...thanks for the compliment. How did you know :)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 30 December 2010 07:49 pm |
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On Getting It Back
It's December 30. My 3-year anniversary of joining CPH. Probably fitting that I am taking inventory on an awful lot of things right now.
In talking with Toolboy yesterday afternoon and with PAG and Michael last night it became more real, saying real words aloud to real people who know and care about me, how unhappy I am about many things in my life. I could feel and recognize the sadness differently as the words came out of my mouth. I'm here. The state of being I feared before I took this new job assignment has in fact materialized. As I talked about work and stress and not knowing where my time goes any more, and about missing the life I used to love, I hated what I heard and who I sounded like. Old Mol. I had nothing of interest to say to anyone, nothing to bring to the conversation, just a boring ugly pit of blackness and anxiety. I feel acutely the loss of the way my life used to be, who I was 16 months ago when my period of self-discovery was at its zenith, when "Live Life! Fantastic!" was my #1 priority. When I was fit and healthy and energetic and magnetic and interesting. How can all that was simply be gone? What happened to it? How do I fix it?
Ironically, it makes it ever the more relateable where Jason is at, contrasting his two life phases, and trying to figure out how to "get it back" too.
So. I've never been one to make New Years' resolutions, there's nothing magical or calendar-driven about making changes in one's life. You make them when you are ready to make them. But I do believe in the Book of Mol, in Chapters, in trying to make sense of it all...that "Life is a weave of threads" and that the power lies within me to get a handle on what I am feeling, what I am doing, what will make me happy, and to live more faithfully to what will make me ultimately happy.
I never really finished Mol 3.0. "Mol, Alone". Yet last night, I realized that I am very alone - not in the way I intended, but in a sort of screwed up, twisted, exact inverse of what I was originally aiming for. My boyfriend, Toolboy, still doesn't really know me at all and I find it difficult to open up with him. I'm still in love with Jason, who keeps tall perimeter fences around our limited relationship. And who do I reach for to go out to dinner with if the guy I'm seeing isn't available? An ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend? Seriously? That's alone. None of these however is in the sense of what I meant when I said "Mol, Alone." Mol, Alone was supposed to be about learning how to live independently, to not need a man to make me feel OK.
With all the other backslidings I've made in the past 16 months (which I date back rightly or wrongly to the night of the Decemberists concert with Pitch, August 6, 2009, which among other things is the night I started smoking again, thank you Pitch), "Mol, Alone" is no longer the correct focus. It is still a right goal, but too narrow. And in any event, I must not have been ready, because I was really not making any progress...or maybe, with examination, I WAS ready...until I took this job assignment. How my job change has or hasn't been catalyst for the backsliding needs a lot of heartfelt examination, because remedying the situation can only come from understanding how I got here. Maybe it was not the job at all. Maybe there are some contributions caused by the disappointment but-door-never-fully-closed interest in the 'ideal' Pitch. Maybe falling in love with Jason, the ever-elusive, unattainable, never-resolving soul-bending heartache which has caused me to be distracted...maybe a combination...I don't know yet...
So anyhow, without satisfactory resolve, Mol 3.0 just sort of ends for now without an ending, perhaps to later be revisited. At one point in time I sort of tried to morph it from "Mol, Alone" into "Mol, Anew" but never really gained traction. And it is time to draw a clean break on things and start anew for real. It is time for Mol 4.0. Which at first I was rather inclined to call "Getting 'It' Back", but something was bothering me about the backward-reaching focus implied directly or indirectly. I like the idea of Mol, Anew. The idea of rebirth, the rekindling of the spirit. The reuniting of all the strands of positive energy and aspects of me from wherever they are scattered through the universe right now, back into one shining, spectral spirit, which can blind and conquer and leave one breathless. The resurgence of Fire and Wisdom.
The priority right now, in spite of the chaos in which I find myself at work, has got to be rekindling the essence of me. I can't give over, I can't give in, I can't be this sad person living a life which is not my own, merely surving, passing time toward no meaningful outcome. It can't wait. Everything I do needs to have a purpose. Everything I do needs to feed the spirit. I am a Phoenix. 3 years ago I unknowingly began a series of changes which ultimately transformed an unhappy life into a bounding spirit. I rose from the ashes and while I never reached a state of true self-acceptance, I created a life in which I was so much happier and fulfilled. It is time to do it again, before it becomes too late. I'm not getting any younger.
It is time to start Mol 4.0. "Rekindling Mol". Thanks for your support.
Last edited on 30 December 2010 10:41 pm by mollymoo24
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 December 2010 03:48 am |
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You have all my support, Mol. You know I think you're awesome. Happy 2011 
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