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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 15 August 2010 03:37 pm |
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| I have travel anxiety so bad...what is my problem? I'm going to go get some exercise and hopefully that will help!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 15 August 2010 05:08 pm |
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This is The Day
That was great!  Got in a 3.3 mile "run"/walk and was able to do a significant amount of light jogging. Its hot again (what else is new) and I was sucking down water. My cardio is shot, and with the smoking, I get winded pretty fast...but that will come along over the course of a couple of weeks. I'm not going to pretend to try to quit smoking, but the more I exercise, naturally I think I'll want to smoke less. It's like eating..when you exercise, your body isn't as hungry and it wants wholesome clean food, not junk.
It was a nice sunny mood-enhancer / de-stressor set to great music including The The, The Sugarcubes, Bob Mould, and Julian Casablancas. I kicked it off with this favorite and meaningful song from The The, at times like now it evokes such a mix of optimism, coupled with a wrenching away from past painful difficulties...well, it was just one of those moments...
The The - This is The Day - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-32AAp418V4
Well... you didn't wake up this morning,
'cause you didn't go to bed.
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red.
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off.
You've been reading some old letters.
You smile and think how much you've changed.
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes.
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
This is the day your life will surely change.
This is the day when things fall into place.
You could've done anything, if you'd wanted.
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like -- GLUE
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
This is the day your life will surely change.
This is the day when things fall into place.
This is the day your life will surely change...
(repeat to fade)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 16 August 2010 08:37 pm |
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How Socks Lead to Other Things
1st night in England. 1 pair down, 17 to go. Walked close to 3 miles after work, remainder being comprised of walking thru LHR, up to hotel room etc.
I needed the mental break even more than I needed the exercise. Surely, I am physically tired, having not slept more than 3 hours on the flight. [Business Class, by the way, rocks...the vegetable lasagna, salad, appetizer, and complimentary wine were more than enough to keep me awake]. After a gruelling all day meeting, which included working thru lunch and going until 6, I'd just gotten back to my hotel when my cell phone rang. My lead analyst in the US, with news - as I'd suspected, one of her 2 analysts is pregnant again and will be out Feb-May. This overlaps almost precisely with another maternity leave (Jane) in the department. There is a time when you hit the wall, and this was it. My lead analyst herself is just back from having her first child, and isn't prepared to handle the additional responsibility of a 3rd headcount which she really needs to run the department effectively. I was looking at possible options of moving her to another role as an individual contributor. Now, it seems that won't be much of an option, even though it might be the best move both for her and for the department.
Ah, leadership. Ah, responsibiity. It comes with a price and I owe it to both my department as well as the VP's who have put their faith in me to make it all work. And I'm not melting down, but my budget is due at the end of the week and I am nowhere near getting it off the ground. I have to support requests for 3 additional heads (2 in the US, 1 in Europe) and every time I look internally to see if we can leverage existing headcount, my boss stonewalls my ideas. Going for a walk helped me to calm down a bit, and now I am capping the evening with a glass of chardonnay and a chicken caesar salad in the lobby bar of the hotel as I clear my mind a bit.
Manchester United versus Newcastle football (soccer) is on the telly (MU is up 1-0). I've never been much of a soccer fan, but its such a big deal here culturally you can't help but develop an interest in the games.
I ate a lot of biscuits (cookies) in the meeting today. Its a thing they do here, load up the conference table with loads of cookies and fruit...except no one is going to eat a banana or apple in the middle of a business meeting. And I was hungry. I think I had 5 or 6. Thankfully, only 2 more days of this.
I weighed yesterday after my run/walk in the heat and before eating anything. An ugly baseline of 135.5. I look like that entire cheesecake landed on my abdomen. I am glad to say however, my body feels pretty happy that my muscles are mildly aching with the effort of exercising. It is a purifying activity, and the toxins are starting to wash out.
Portishead came on the overhead stereo, still one of my favorite bands. I'll forever be reminded of my favorite resort in Scottsdale, the reflections and journal entries inspired by the music, and the events of that trip in March 2009. It was a crazy time, out of control by some standards, and yet the most in control from the perspective of allowing myself to experience my most creative and liberal self without the usual inhibitions, while travelling under an assumed name. It continues to be one of my favorite places on the planet, and I am already looking forward to heading back there again in January or so...alone. It is my special place, and though I brought PAG with me in 2010, I'd rather go there alone, or with someone truly magical.
Which brings me, somewhat painfully, to reflections I had on the plane. About Pitch for one, who, not coindicentally loves Scottsdale. But about Jason too. About how much time I've spent hoping. I've spent the last year hoping about these two guys. Hoping that somehow what I wanted would materialize. Taking the bits and scraps that they offered, in the hopes that it would someday lead to what I wanted. Fooling myself that a "just friends" or a limited relationship was better than nothing at all and had the possibility at least of leading to more. Putting aside for a minute that these two men are polar opposites in many respects, they represent a lot of time invested, with ultimately nothing to show for it, and I was so unwilling to give up and move on.
A year. An entire year. And right now what is sad is that this realization makes me wonder if it is worth it. I mean, even trying. I guess the right guy will be in the right place on his journey to want to get into a committed situation, and will want that to be me...and there won't be a long dance leading to ultimate disappointment. Jason is gone now, of his own accord. Pitch...well he tried to ring me Friday but didn't leave a message...and I am feeling more than ever that maybe it is impossible for me to just be friends with him. I don't know. What do I do now, with this legacy he has left me, at age 41+, to finally have thoughts about being a mom? It may have been better for me to never have thought it. More time has passed, and I'm a year further now into the age of "shouldn't", without ever having finalized a decision in my mind as to whether I want it. Probably because thinking "want" has impossible repercussions at this age in life.
Yet, when talking with Dr. B last Tuesday, as she quizzed me on what I really want, and I talked about someone who feels like a best friend/I am comfortable with, an intellectual equal, who is into music, has a secure/stable job, and has a sense of adventure and humor. She seemed to think what I wanted was impossible...all that, and they have to be at the same developmental/need phase as me too. But then I said - they don't have to be wealthy, I didn't say they have to be atheist, I didn't say they can't have kids....there are a LOT of areas where I am flexible, those factors aren't as important to me...and she started getting it, getting me, I think a bit better.
Talking with S, I admitted to her that I couldn't tell Pitch at this point that I'd be interested in having kids. Because, absent kids, he seems to be very interested in his on-again / off-again girlfriend downstate, whom he refers to as just about his best friend. With kids...well...doesn't that mean that the fact that I am a baby-pumping machine is the only factor which leads to my favor? And if that doesn't work out, or fatherhood isn't what he imagined, wouldn't he just leave anyway and leave me devastated? He confessed to me of having a borderline mysongonistic past, and trying to change his ways. He drinks and has depression and anxiety, which has replaced a larger-than-life persona (and ego) which he had once-upon-a-time. This is all pie-in-the-sky speculation anyway, but just saying...as part of Mol 3.0 and trying to be more deliberate in who I get involved with, when I look at this objectively, I know that alarm bells should be ringing all over the place. Which means, again, I just don't know if I can be friends with him any more. Every time I am with him, all I can think of is how much I admire and respect him, how compatible we are, and then I get frustrated when he leaves - even though I'd be shocked if he ever made advance toward me again. Maybe I just feed his ego.
It's time to wrap up for the night and find an internet connection so I can post this and get to bed. BTW, MU is up 2-0. :)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 16 August 2010 11:13 pm |
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Thank You, England
Yeah, I should be sleeping, especially due to the bad jet lag and my desire to get up and jog before work tomorrow. Nevertheless, sleep hasn't come - even with a whole xanax, so more to ensue shortly.
I spent a bit of time on the networking site. As it is a pretty good descriptor of a nice "lifey bit", I repeat it here: "Curled up in flannel PJ's and sweatshirt under a blanket, sleeping with the windows open and the chill night air streaming in. Thank you, England!"
I looked up Jason's profile on the networking site (we're not linked on there, but he is publicly searchable. He changed his photo again so I know he's still alive and kicking. The photo, I would guess, is from the center he has been volunteer teaching at, there are 3 other people in it altogether...he doesn't look good, and has developed more of a gut than even when I'd seen him last. Still, I find it doesn't repulse me. I laid there for a minute thinking dang, I was really in love with the guy. I still don't know how it happened. It came on so gradually. But anyway...
Between my bloated abdomen, aching lower back and other signs, I figured TTOTM was imminent, and it turns out that today is day 25. Hopefully, the time change didn't screw me up, as it often can. This lack of sleep thing is just as bad though.
One last thing. Usually when PAG posts something opinionated or controversial on his networking site page, I leave it alone. Tonight for some reason, I called him out on something which on the surface was in conflict with his "freedom of speech" stance. He's now clarified his posiiton, which was my intent to provoke, rather it be me than someone else who is going to put words in his mouth which I know he didn't intend. But this sort of thing happens with PAG, and I was just kindof tired of sitting here and keeping my mouth shut. I mean everyone from #2 knows we have been dating, and I don't want someone associated with me making an idiot of himself.
OK. One final final thing. Apparently one of the girls I made friends with in Amsterdam is in - get this - ROLLER DERBY. Yeah! And she invited me to come practice with them. Now really - all I want to do is get the year on and take some cool photos but how coooooool is that!!! Woo Hoo!!!!
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 16 August 2010 11:20 pm |
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And oh yeah, my ankle seems finally to be able to rotate some without reirritating screeching pain...mending...getting there...optimistic. 
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 August 2010 08:10 pm |
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Worked hard all day today, it was really good though. Went out to dinner after with my analyst here and bounced lots of things off each other. He's so easy to manage, and right on his game, and he's excited about this project we are working on, so things are sitting pretty well.
I am exhausted, and while I intended to go for a jog (and have my workout clothes on), I am going to just crash and run in the morning. I didn't get enough sleep last night and need to play catchup.
Tomorrow I work on my budget for next year. It is going to be difficult, I have 3 heads to lobby for in 3 different cost centers. I'm just getting started writing up the business rationale and then have to come up with quantifiable supporting metrics/facts. No way I will have it finished tomorrow before I wrap up in the UK office, although I need to, for the sake of getting some real time off. I'll give it my best shot! Making so much progress with G tonight was a real shot in the arm.
The Beautiful Roth sent me an email today confirming my schedule and letting me know some events of interest he wants to go to next Friday and Saturday. Ever more reason to get my fat @ss out and jogging in the morning. LOL.
Cheers!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 18 August 2010 10:51 pm |
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A Good Day to Be Mol
2 pairs down, 16 to go.
I have not enough hours to sleep, but have to write a note about this evening.
It was a wonderfully odd occurrence, at the end of 3 days of meetings, meandering down the road toward my hotel....when two joggers went by and suddenly I heard one of them yell "is that Mol xxx??" Well of course it was, so they stopped, and it was rather a fun moment. Here in England, to run across two guys, one from Wisconsin, the other from Ireland, both who work from my company and are staying at my hotel. And informed me of a third, a gal, BD, who is also staying here, they all have a meeting in the UK office tomorrow...long story short after I worked out (which included a walk/jog on my usual favorite route, rounding "2nd base" as I tagged the front step in front of the bright red door of our quaint little office building), I came back to the hotel, got in my uppers in the gym, then my abs (abbreviated) in my hotel room, then met them all at 8:30 for dinner. It ran til 11 and I finally bailed cause I need to sleep before my early flight tomorrow. It was fun. THEY are fun. Two nights in a row, where hanging with people that I like from the office was a really enjoyable time and we got work done too. Brilliant, fun, focused, amazing people. If work was this great all the time, I really would never question what the heck I am doing in the corporate world. 2 of them have only worked for my company for 2 years...they talked about how conservative and old fashioned my company is at corporate where we work; the strict unwritten dress code for example, how you conduct yourself, what you can say...and yet here in a little pocket of England, we just simply had a good time. Yay for this experience, it was a shot in the arm. I normally dread having dinner with people from work...its nice when people aren't afraid to just be themselves.
I'm off to Ireland in the early AM. Packing when I get up cause I am too tired to do it now. I have underplanned this trip and tomorrow is no different, but I at least bothered to print off the bus schedule from Dublin Airport, so I have something to work from when I get there. It is adding a little to the sense of adventure and freedom, I think, to just have to make up certain things as I go.
Not much contact with the home front and that is fine. PAG has been distant since my comments on the networking site, but I also know he is working on artwork, which is usually the time when I don't hear from him for a day or so. It is better off, anyway. Toolboy sent me an email which doesn't require a response and I'll probably just leave until I return. My interest there hasn't been very serious and I find that it is waning already. That's fine. I'll just continue on being "me" as planned, it is how I can best find myself anyway. Heading into 4 full days as a houseguest in nowhere, Ireland, is a bit daunting. I should have kept it shorter. But if it turns out to provide the self-reflection time which I think I need, then it will be a brilliant investment. I intentionally set it up so that I'd have to face my own self, before I went on to Amsterdam, and I am curious to see where my thoughts regarding the Beautiful Roth and indeed the entire "scene" opportunity will head during the next several days.
In any event, it was a good day to be Mol.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 24 August 2010 02:20 pm |
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Ireland
Wow, it has been about 6 days since I posted. That's a record, I think. I ended up not having much access to internet while in Ireland, so I am now at the Dublin Airport waiting for my flight to Amsterdam. I have purchased an hour of internet time for the bargain(?) rate of 5 Euro, which is something like $7.50.
So, I can't really say that I did so very much in Ireland. I was pretty numb really from most of what has been going on recently. I slept solid every night in the cold quiet country air, and didn't get in any running cause it was just so dang unseasonably cold, windy and damp. My friend and I talked a lot, and I enjoyed spending time with the hounds - 13 in total - 11 of them technically available for adoption, though a couple of them I suspect may take quite a long time until they relax and trust enough to become adoptable. My heart kind of broke a little bit when leaving this morning. I think they helped me to not miss CDog, and they were a lot of joy...but this is my dogless life now as long as I am travelling so much.
I had two pints with the locals the day I got there. We went boating on Lough Derg with Brian and Wendy one day. I walked dogs numerous times for exercise. We went to a farm girls' 21st BDay party at an upscale hotel and it was just weird (started late and was nearly all older people, and she had a karaoke keyboardist) so we bailed early. My friend is on a kick to lose weight and she apparently took some inspiration from my massive weight loss, so eating healthier became a focus for her while I was there, she woke up to the fact that she is consuming enormous amounts of carbs (I couldn't get her to admit how much fat she was consuming alas) and I am encouraged that she's going to make some real progress. She's not happy and didn't want to be in any photos, so I don't have any of her from the trip.
Some of the highlights were - she coached me to make an apple pie entirely from scratch, we lit a real wood fire last night and had some good conversation 2 evenings in particular in her living room. Last night we also viewed her grounds in the light of the full moon last night, the moonlight coming through the old 400-year old ruin of a stone mill, and clouds drifiting across in all hues of grey and greyish-pink. It was gorgeous, and the hounds enjoyed it too I think. I was lost in thought during a 6PM walk yesterday and finally starting to think about some of the important things she had said to me, things which help to put it all into perspective, and suddenly I looked up and framed through the opening to a pasture, a perfect view of a rainbow against the clouds, over the greenest grass and a couple of gently grazing cattle. Although Ireland was too cold and damp (especially in her old stone house) to be pleasant to live in year-round, I think, nothing beats it for the brilliance of colors in nature. Its something to do with the light and the ocean surrounding - the sky always seems huge, and the very grass or fields, or stone, or multicolored buildings, or mountains or clouds all seem to burst with brilliance of color, as if every object is putting its full energy into being the fullest "rock" or "bush' or "cattle" or "hedgerow" it can be. There is no comparison anywhere I have been.
I don't know how many socks I have left, I didn't do much 'formal" working out here, mostly walking the dogs, which was decent enough exercise, but I didn't often use my workout socks. It doesn't matter really. I hope to get in some situps tonight at the hotel and then a light jog some time tomorrow in AMS. My ankle is still messed up and I am making an appointment with the surgeon (sigh) for as soon as possible after I get home. There's no denying that this is not going to go away on its own, so I just want to get it over with as soon as possible.
I suppose there wil be more later. I haven't seen much in the way of signs or signals or roadposts to tell me which direction to head with my life, but on the other hand, I am probably more rested and prepared to jump back into the game now. Work made me cry on Friday night, there is so much going on and folks need me to be working while I am away, but I am just trying to prioritize and do what I can do without making myself miserable. My friend was talking about saying 'no' or buying time in an artful way that people don't mind. But then, she is an expert diplomat...I just need to try, practice, and learn from her.
We do have a sortoff oddball friendship forming. She knows I expect to be back in Ireland for work in November, and while not especially close by, she invited me about 3 times and asked me to let her know so that she could plan her trip to Oxford around me. She called me an 'easy houseguest' - of course, I cannot imagine being any other way! And she has got some good things going, as an independent woman from the US, living in the middle-of-nowhere, Ireland, she remains pretty well connected with the academic community and ekes out a living doing various editorial projects as well as helping students edit their dissertations, helping foreign political organizations get press releases ready for publication etc. She lives life on her own terms and while at times it is very unglamorous, money can be tight, and she generally isn't very prettied up, I respect the heck out of her and know that there is something meaningful to learn from her. Many meaningful things actually.
Now I am getting ready to head for Amsterdam. My head and heart are not full of the Beautiful Roth, although somewhere I am pondering what will happen. I just want to stay in the casual mode and relax and continue to get through this rough patch in my life. Staying calm would be a Very Good Thing.
Bye for now...at least I'll have internet in Amsterdam. :)
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 25 August 2010 02:38 pm |
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Pacing Myself
Its about 4:30 on Wednesday afternoon in Amsterdam. Back at the hotel. I'm pretty tired and not 'feeling it' yet. We wrapped up a bit early at the office and arrived back to the hotel around 3:30. I haven't been able to get an energy buzz on but I suppose the travel combined with the work today and not quite enough sleep took its toll. I could use some coffee, that's for sure, I miss the heck out of Starbucks.
Last night I took a monumental bath. In Ireland I was only able to shower 2x in 5 days and then, as conserving of water as I could be. It was so good to let the hot water soak into my bones, after 5 days of being cold most of the time, and also weary from lugging my too-heavy suitcases around. But best of all, was exfoliating. My skin is all shiny and bright and gunk-free again. Yay. :)
In a short while, I am off to the Vondelpark for a jog. I probably won't go out on the town until tomorrow evening, after I work remotely for the day. I made an appointment with the ankle surgeon and will continue scheduling other appts during September. I also want to get on with cleaning out/repairing the house which would put me in a better position to move. I heard today though, a prediction that US home prices may fall another 30% before they come back. Not a brilliant time for me to be thinking about an upgrade. Perhaps this will force me to think about simply remodeling instead.
I'm happy to be here, but not energized, as evidenced by my procrastination and sitting here typing in my journal when I could be out amongst the bikes and trams and museums. Ah well, I shall prefer to think of it as 'pacing myself' :)
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 26 August 2010 05:11 pm |
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Last night I almost started an entry called "My Disappointment" but I left off in favor of falling asleep. It concerned the Beautiful Roth, who, I discovered, not unsurprisingly, played a larger importance in my spending several days here than I thought. So far he hasn't exactly acted overly enthusiastic; in fact, just having gotten back from a concert festival, he took on ill and was off work. When I received his text about a concert Friday and a club event Saturday, there was no particular indication of wanting to see ME, just more as offering up information to casual acquaintance (which, rather, I guess that I am). No "looking forward to seeing you." I don't know what is cultural here, and of course I don't know him well enough to judge. Still, how bitter in the moment, when I realized that once again I tied too much of what I want for me with the "him" and he, being a man, just wants to take things as they happen. How come there are only two kinds of men. Men like PAG, who practically worship a woman who gives them the tiniest bit of attention, and men like Roth, who have been so jaded with women, that they are totally nonchalant. Anyway...
I did make the most of the afternoon, meeting up around 1:15 with Anix, who is another acquaintance here and a dj, who organizes some club events and whom I met last time. A born Englishman, at 53 he has lived in Amsterdam for about 30 years. We had some beers and a nice long chat at a bar called Sound Garden. I spent a couple of hours prior to that working in a cafe (a real one, not a hash bar) and need to do some more work this evening. I think I've napped off the beers now.
Yesterday afternoon, I had a nice walk/jog in the Vondelpark of almost 3 miles, then came back to the hotel and did some uppers/butt exercises and 4.5 miles on the recumbent bike. My body is happy for the exercise. Probably walked about 2 miles so far today, and want to get in some abs.
I'm missing Jason so much it hurts. I'm still checking that email, even though I am not expecting anything. I would like to know if he misses me, the way that I miss him. I know it is best that we are not together, but I just miss our intimacy so much. What I would give to just lay together for a few hours and hold each other. Why is that so gosh darned impossible in this world? Who the heck doesn't want to be held sometimes?
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 27 August 2010 06:13 am |
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Amusingly, I just had a little online chat with Toolboy, who has made remarks on several of my networking site posts during this trip. I asked him if he'd ever been to Europe - he said no, that he'd been meaning to but never made it yet....so with a leading agenda, I commented that he was still young and has plenty of time....whereupon he denied being young...so I just came right out and asked him his age finally. Mind you, I've had him pegged around 28. I almost fell off my chair when he said 38. So...I guess he is old enough to have coffee with when I get back. Something to look forward to.
The weather here is complete #%@&!e and while I was going to jog to the train station this morning to get some Starbucks, I went outside and changed my mind. Rain and wind combined. So, now I am just having a bit of coffee in the hotel room, with a mind to head down and do some working out in the gym in a little bit.
On the agenda for the day - catching up on work which I didn't accomplish yesterday, and hopefully getting a haircut. It is entirely bushy and unmanageable and I'd rather get it cut before I see Roth tonight. I just want to feel put together and my best for a night out on the town, regardless of whether anything transpires. Looking my best helps me get my MEM (Munich Energy Mol) on.
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 27 August 2010 01:04 pm |
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Well, I got my hair cut and colored at a trendy salon called "Kinki Klappers" upon recommendation...with a name like that, who could resist? The color came out nice. The haircut is a quality job, but I don't love it. The stylist (Denny) persuaded a rather reluctant me that it would look better being somewhat asymmetrical, so it wouldn't come out like a mohawk. But I am not caring for it being longer on the one side. It is not dramatic though, it is subtle, and is waaaay better than being a banshee bushwoman with an uncontrollable wavy mop atop her head.
I have about 5 hours til I head out. I suppose the next thing is just to get back to work for a few hours but I am resisting breaking my calmness with the nightmare which awaits on email. Perhaps I will just start by putting my budget into the online system, then go down and sit in the sauna for a while. That seems like a workable deal.
PAG texted me yesterday that he misses me much. I don't return the sentiment. It is nice to hear from "someone" but he no longer represents a 'special someone' in my life and there's just no feeling left. I'm going to have to put the final nail in the coffin when I get home.
I am glad that I didn't email Jason last night as I was very much tempted to do. There will come a right time to check in on him, but it is not when I am still so affected. Will there ever come a time when I am not? It took 10 years until I could think of Cosmic Meltdown Guy without being caught by emotion. I guess that is what happens when your feelings are so intense.
Although my awareness is better, I've never learned how to NOT be such an emotionally intense person and with the benefit of some time now to work on it, I don't think that will ever change. It is easier to try to manage how you behave and react ("do nothing") than try to change the core person of who you are. In fact, you never really CAN change that person, I am finding...you can just try to learn from your mistakes...but there is a universe of difference between "feel" and "think" - the rational and emotional...and I'm just so danged emotional...
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 28 August 2010 10:35 am |
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With what sweet(?) irony I presently being writing. For I was thinking I would write about the Beautiful Roth, and the particular characteristic which fascinates me and I have yet to fully understand. It's not just Roth, but the Dutch in general. They are so...stoic...calm...relaxed...understated...it seems to be a general quality. I completely forgot but when we went to see 9 Pound Hammer on the small venue at Paradiso last night - this is a hard kickin punkabilly band - the crowd doesn't dance, they don't sway, except for a few souls (likely out-of-towners like me) they just listen to the music, and then cheer a bit in between songs. Its the strangest thing, yet probably a bit representative of the culture, I guess.
Anyway, I couldn't even tell most of the night whether Roth was interested in me 'in that way' until he asked if I wanted to meet him this afternoon. I did kiss him once at club and then he kissed me as I got into my taxi to go home, but I know from the last time that there are some complications surrounding that place, I don't know if there is a girlfriend, there was a particular one who seemed more than the usual friends but if so, they are very quiet about it. Walking me to the taxi he said something about things being complicated and he likes to live his life simply. And he made reference to how he lives cheaply and has a fairly straightforward job and music interests and that is pretty much how it goes...and how it is so different from me. But see, that's what I think I like about him. To have carved out your little corner of the world and live on your own terms...and be accountable to only yourself, but also be well spoken of by virtually everyone behind your back. He's just so quietly solid, so opposite of me. But I think that it would be nice for me to have a very uncomplicated "whatever" with this man, he forces me to center because any drama or complications would be totally out of bounds. He makes me want to be a better person, by setting the example.
So anyway, the sweet(?) irony was that I was sitting down to write about the Beautiful Roth and his aura of calm, when Jason popped into my head and I checked the email...and saw something in the inbox. I sat here for literally 2 minutes, staring in the mirror going...should I read it now....should I just wait...how am I going to feel once I read it, is it going to disturb my experience here, and my calm? But I went ahead and read it, it was just a song and some very few words which indicate he is still struggling, and hoping that I am well. Nothing to upset the apple cart, but yet there is something meaningful about knowing he still reaches in my direction...
Other things about last night, after Paradiso, we went to the same bar where I met up with Anix, then off to the club. Roth and his best friend were on bicycles of course, and Roth rode me on back of his, side saddle. I hung on for dear life. Imagine how strong his legs must be to ride someone on the back from a standing start, and up these brick hilly canal roads. I was impressed, once I was done being terrified. :)
At the club, I saw several people from the last visit back in May who remembered and welcomed me. It's so nice, they have a little club community and feel like I just sortof fit into the pack.
I went out for breakfast this morning to try to chase off a hangover. Had a huge omelet and a chocolate syrup pancake. I have a 1:30 checkout but it is already past 12:30, so I need to get showered, packed and move to the other hotel. Then, supposed to meet up with Roth. Why am I nervous? I know HE's not.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 28 August 2010 07:32 pm |
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I'm getting ready to head out soon. Did not end up hearing from Roth until midafternoon, he slept all day (after staying out too late last night and still getting over being sick). I had the good fortune, instead, of landing in the middle of this street festival, it is an annual thing where they promote all the events, plays, theaters, orchestras etc; there is a ton of live music at several pavillions, lots of food etc. I also took my hardcopy journal and wrote a good entry about clutter, of various kinds, inspired in part by Roth.
So it looks like Roth and I will meet now at or near the club event. I am going to go out and have a grand night of it. I will know a good number of people, I'm in the mood to dance, and I'm sure as heck going to enjoy the ride, my last big night out here in Amsterdam. 
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 August 2010 02:34 am |
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Hey Mol, I check in and there you are in Amsterdam partying down. I like your descriptions of the Beautiful Roth. Europeans are cool, huh.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 29 August 2010 07:45 pm |
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My Luggage
I am glad to be here. I mean, to have arrived at this moment. While I am a bit sad at leaving Amsterdam tomorrow, I feel like I have gotten to the point where the adventure is over, and there are some constructive thought processes taking place again. So many, in fact, I hardly know where to begin.
I'll start with my luggage.
First, in my best Scarlett O'Hara imitation, "As God is my witness, I'll never overpack again." I've toted two suitcases and two overstuffed carryons to 3 airports, 4 hotels/homes, and I shift again tomorrow. I paid overweight baggage twice on Aer Lingus (which altogether I think has run me over $300) and guessing I'll have to pay again tomorrow. Not only is it more time to pack/repack all that stuff, you're also more afraid you are going to leave something behind, and its difficult to lug it all. When I needed to switch hotels yesterday, I had to pay 7.50 for a taxi to go 3 blocks because lugging all that stuff that far was not feasible. Next time I need to plan better/tighter, do more with less, and do laundry on the road (I overpacked tshirts, sock, underwear, and boots). One contributing factor was I didn't plan well for this trip - having CDog and L's mom and lots going leading up to leaving. My head wasn't clear so I just brought stuff I liked without planning outfits well.
Anyway, last night I was talking with Roth about how I thought I had simplified my life a lot since divorcing L, but I am realizing that I have a lot of complications still. Clutter. Lots and lots of mental/emotional clutter, as well as physical clutter. In fact, I've actually gained a lot of clutter over the past year-and-a-half. And the luggage is a great metaphor of how muddled you can become and all this stuff is just weighing you down, and how you have to be able to step outside, see it, decide what you do and don't want, and live more simply. Roth has the cleanest, tidiest apartment I've ever seen - guy or gal - it is sparsely minimalistic, but with deep red walls, black accents/furniture - seriously tasteful and a great use of space. His book shelves are perfectly arranged and tidy. Everything is very well cared for and in great condition. I was telling him about taking the taxi to move my hotel 3 blocks away and I said that it was because I have 3 wardrobes - business, casual personal, and clubbing. And all I ever see him in are jeans, boots, and black t-shirts/pullovers/hoddie. So I asked him what he wears to work, and it is the same. (he does the books/financials for a bookstore chain). He could get a job making more money, but he would have to compromise and dress up and I can hear him exactly in his Dutch accent "I just don't want to do it.". Now, here in Amsterdam, he is in a rent controlled housing at something like 250 a month, and he says he cannot have a job for more than 35000 a year or he will lose it, and the housing market is so messed up that he wouldn't be able to rent in Amsterdam for under 1000 otherwise (if he bought a place the cheapest mortgage would be 800-900 a month) - there's no middle, and he's resigned himself that he is stuck where he is at. So perhaps this is something that happened along the way to help him develop his attitude/philosophy.
But so many things are happening to reveal to me just how complicated and cluttered my life actually HAS become in the past year, and why it is breaking at the seams...or at risk of doing so. As an example, Friday night someone took a club photo and it was put on the networking site and I was tagged in it - which means that everyone who is linked to me on there could see it (you can't privacy set someone else's photo, you can just untag from it). Now, I don't hook up to work people on that site, but there are still quite a few people who don't need to know about that side of my life.
I am living in 2 completely different and very active universes which are not compatible - the corporate life and the club life, and keeping them separate requires extra effort, planning, 2 wardrobes, 2 sets of goals...hiding my club friends and interests from my 'normal' friends and interests...it is getting too close to breaking and I need to think of what I will do about it. Like Roth, life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to hide things. I've always known i didn't really belong in corporate life, but it certainly is making things possible for me financially and otherwise, and it is probably not a good idea to give up a good thing. But on the other hand, I don't want to give up the 'scene' just now either, but its time will definitely be coming to an end in the next couple of years anyway.
I also spoke with Roth about being a sentimentalist. I have way too many things from my mom's house, rememberances. I have too many old emails. Roth doesn't even keep photos. "It doesn't matter. That already happened. What is important to me is now." And he just goes on and lives in the moment. That's who he is.
And I haven't even gotten to the 'guy clutter' yet, but that is a hugggggge piece of my mental/emotional clutter too...quite obviously.
Anyway I have to stop now and leave the lounge and head up to my room. It's nearly 10PM and I want to finish writing from bed...
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 29 August 2010 09:01 pm |
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I'm in my room now, comfortably in bed with my clothes still on, and continuing to feel a sense of peace that has been missing for a long time. I couldn't get to this place mentally while in Ireland - it took more time to detox from work and the rest of life and more events, including getting to see Roth again to get me to this place.
So, how things went with Roth, I can say, were definitely directional. We agreed to meet early at the club, but he spent most of his time with other friends. His indifference (or reserve) to my being here was apparent. So, as the club event ended and we were waiting to see about an afterparty, I straight out asked him whether he still liked me...and he said 'of course I do' but he doesn't want complications in his life, and then later at the party he said he was having a conflict about me, he repeated what he told me in May about his feelings for this other girl he knows nothing will ever happen with because she is so young (I know her and talk to her, she has been at all the events, and used to date his best friend). And he repeatedly talks about not wanting complications in his life and after we agreed that things would have to be on a "no expectations" basis between us, he relaxed just a little. But he just drank a lot of beer all night and we just stayed at the party. I did ultimately go home with him to sleep (at definitely sunlight o'clock) and we crashed hard and stayed in bed until 5PM today, but there wasn't any particular attentiveness on his part. At all. He initiated absolutely nothing. I know he was still sick...and tired...and hung over today...but if this constitutes the basis of any form of a continuing interconnection (I won't say "relationship') to this man, I'd be surprised...and I certainly need and deserve more attention and effort, even in a "no expectations" situation, so while I guess we technically left the door open, I'd be in denial to have any further hopes here. It is too bad, because I do like him, I find him physically attractive, he's a thinking person, has a decent job, and is pretty solid and simple. But...the point about meeting the right person or persons, is that you have to be on intersecting paths on a number of planes for it to happen, and I guess we are just not. I AM disappointed, but will just have to accept it and look to maintain a friendship.
That was a long lot, and maybe I am a bit embarassed that it all played out this way, but I want to get it in my journal because it happened, and I don't want to forget exactly how he acted or how I felt. But - you never know until you try, and I don't fault myself for trying. I just fault myself for trying too hard, when he wasn't. I have a habit of doing that, don't I. D, Michael, Pitch, Jason, Roth...why O why Mol do I do it, instead of just doing the "simple" thing, which is to say, "to heck with you then"?
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 30 August 2010 07:26 am |
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Simplify! Simplify! Simplify!
****************************************************
I'm off a poor broken nights' sleep, pretty normal considered I messed up my good sleeping pattern over the weekend. I need to go find some coffee (the option to breakfast here in the hotel is 19.50 - pretty steep, but I will check it out.) My legs have been aching for a couple of days now from the effort of all the exercise at the hotel plus dancing, which I haven't been doing, so I'm electing to blow off an intended jog in the Vondelpark in favor of...well...being lazy. 
It rained all evening and overnight and more expected. Amsterdam has been unseasonably wet and cool, but I figure if I still like a city in spite of its rain, that says something
One of the things I really like about this city is its color palette. The colors of the bricks used are either a dark red, purplish hue, or grey. The people all wear muted fall type colors, and all solids, no patterns or anything. The dress code is function over fashion, utilitarian, sensible. It is just very comfortable to be in. The stores are FULL of boots and I did see a pair that I wanted, but decided to not pay the 175 for them...full price, in Euro, no way. There is a sense of sensibility; there is not great consumerism or overconsumption; they use bikes and electric trams to get around which reduces pollution. The city is small enough that you could walk everywhere. It is culturally rich, although I still have yet to see much of the museums. The architecture seems well protected and preserved.
The locals I was dealing with mentioned all the 'new rules' and an article I saw on the internet was the same. An example is they have to list a strict dress code on the event flyers as a way to decline entry to any folks who don't belong; otherwise they are likely to be accused of some form of discrimination. Permits for bar to have an event with people out on the sidewall. I don't recall some of the other specifics but they had to do with housing and subsidies and while the things they are mentioning seem 'normal' to me, it is not part of the cultural past here and there is resentment along the old timers' about how it all is today, compared to 10, 20 years ago. The younger people though don't know any differently. It is interesting to imagine what it used to be like.
I suppose that I am just procrastinating here. Writing for the sake of writing, rather than because I have anything very important to say. It is my hobby and habit, but in the name of simplification, maybe it is counterproductive, because there is too much here for even me to read and get use of. Hmmmmmm....
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 30 August 2010 09:12 am |
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Stupid travel anxiety again. I'm all packed and ready to go to the airport. I could be off enjoying a last walk for the next hour, but just sitting here in the hotel room, bags at the ready. What a goof. I AM looking forward to getting to the airport where there are several Starbucks and I hope to have my first fix in *2 weeks*.
My body is reminding me that I am getting too old to be lugging all this stuff around...I seem to be aging quickly, physically, I do think there are some changes going on in my body which I need to pay more attention to. Reminds me, I need to make an appointment to see the female doctor...and start taking more vitamins.
Something about the light here right now, is making my eyes and skin and lips look their best and its kinds of nice, as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I don't look so very haggard, in spite of feeling stiff and tired and low on sleep. That's good. I don't know what the people in the office are going to think when they see my hair, but nothing I can do about it. I try to style it as conservatively as I can.
I have a couple of days of intense work for Germany, then a 4-day weekend back at home. My focus is going to be decluttering. And looking at real estate, I either need to remodel my home, or get the heck out of it. I'm tired of living with and working around things that don't really fit - like the pine panelling in the back room or the old appliances and broken cabinets. I don't really need a bigger place, but I want it to be nicer and simpler.
Only I can control how cluttered my life is. I wonder if there is an insolvable conflct inherent in all the things which make me tick. If so, I need to work out some compromises which make it more contiguous, which tend toward a center and not polar opposite lives - cause I am not doing justice to either, I realize, and end up feeling cheated on both ends. It seems like I am living so hard right now, because there is a time limit...the clock is ticking and every day I get older and every year I will be able to do less and I can already tell my body is slowing down. But I also know that I will be eligible to retire in 8.5 years and so everything will change in my life then anyway if I decide to stay this course. I really don't know what else I could do for a living or I would consider changing paths now. I mean, I don't want to be idle at 50 anyway, it is just a timeline for getting out of the corporate rat-race with subsidized medical insurance for the rest of my life. That's all.
The thing about Europe is that medical just comes. That is another reason that the folks here have more freedom. They may have to wait for treatment - like this girl I met who had to wait a year for an operation on her foot - but they aren't beholden to their employer for health insurance, or living in fear of not having coverage.
I live in fear of a lot of things. Dr. B tells me this. I just have a difficult time putting my finger on them. But as we were recently discussing in Jack's diary, you have to put things through a reality check and a "worst case" scenario and see what the real math holds.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 August 2010 03:15 am |
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What? You can retire at 50? I am soooo jealous. Hrmmmph. Ok, well, you're a good planner. You deserve it. 50....so young. 30 or 40 years to live, to enjoy life. Without having to work! You will definitely have to stick it out.
Yeah, that's the thing about medical. It's such a huge thing here, and there, well, you just get it. It makes so much sense.
I was just saying in my diary, if I could retire now, I'd be playing guitar - non-stop. Or learning Japanese. Or playing tennis. Or playing chess. Or learning Spanish/Italian/Chinese. Or reading great works. Maybe take up art. Maybe even to some charity stuff. Try my hand at writing some songs.
Oops, I'm day-dreaming on your diary....
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 31 August 2010 06:41 pm |
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Jack, I LOVE the fact that you are daydreaming in my diary! It makes us all the more real, to have wants, hopes, dreams, fears, and achievements. And I for one am so dang HARD on myself for not having it all...it keeps me more grounded to know that other people (especially someone I respect as much as you) are the same.
I had a great chat with my friend in Ireland one night which I am still noodling on a bit, but her own thinking has become more clear...she is no longer trying to do it all at once, but rather she has a couple of book/research ideas that she figures will be projects for her SEVENTIES...and she just makes notes along the way now, so that when she is past these more formative/struggling/active years of her life, she's OK putting things in some kind of master chronological plan...even though she knows she may never get to some of them. She's 57 now...and slowing down the greyhound rescue because of the physical toil - but getting more active in academia. I am thinking that her example will help me prioritize my thinking...like maybe its OK to start guitar when I'm 45 or 50, because I will be too old to go out clubbing and dancing (and wearing little black dresses and boots). I carry around this huge expectation of all the things I am currently NOT doing, and get down on myself, when the reality is, even the most active, intelligent, and zestful people in life have to make choices and prioritize their time too.
And in the context of "Simplify.Simplify.Simplify.", I need to clarify my thinking on what is most important now, along with working small steps which will set me up for those later stages in life. Most of all, I want to better appreciate who and what I AM today, rather than what I am NOT. Cause I do think that there are kindof a lot of neat things about me and my life, when I am not toxically stressed out. Like working in the Munich office today, where I go in and meet with a dozen various people who know me, have face time with my analyst from the UK, and then take him out for a real Bavarian classic dinner on the Marienplatz, then come back to the hotel and do some journalling over a weiss bier. Or the fact that I just checked my networking site and in the past couple of days no less than 7 people have linked up to me from Amsterdam, who I hope and expect to meet up with again some time in the next 6 months, my little clubby friend network in a 'home' away from home. OK that all doesn't sound like simplification does it....but it WOULD and WILL be simplification if I say "yep, THIS is my priority now, for the next 2-3 years" and other things like greyhound adoption or book writing or crawling around the inside of my head for all of life's answers just take a back seat. The choice is mine on how complicated and numerous I want my priorities to be. But I don't have any kids, I don't have any dependents, and I think improving/selling my home for one that is already updated will reduce those complications. If I can just keep all the guy stuff out of my mind (and yeah, that will be a challenge), I know that things will be simpler and I will have a lot more free time to do other things.
Blah blah blah...and I haven't even STARTED my weiss bier yet...
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 31 August 2010 07:28 pm |
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From Munich to Rome
Wow. I just now realized it...but it coming up on 2 years now, here in Munich, the city where my life changed, where I reached a pivotal turning point where I came into my own as a free, individual spirit, full of life and the joy of discovering the thrill of living in the moment...the epic run in the English garden...the friends I made at the nearby restaurant/beer garden...roaming and exploring a brand new city...more...Munich Energy Mol. How much has passed since. I am more directionless than I might have imagined, and yet, how much I have done, explored, experienced.
I'm going to spare myself the minor temptation of going back to read those journal entries, or the email I sent to a friend immediately after Munich describing what I'd experienced, and how I felt...the exhiliration of breaking the bonds of my past life, "the life which wouldn't hold me any more" and realizing that I was on a path moving forward to new and exciting experiences in my life.
I wouldn't trade it. Not for all the times of uncertainty, pain, questioning, rejection, fear, anxiety, and insecurity which I have experienced along the way. There is to be sure a lot of darkness in my journal in the past 2 years...my journal became a different place after the divorce and became in large part a place for me to indulge my need to document my experiences, along with try to understand and seek support in my struggles coping with my obsessive thoughts and feelings and insecurities around men...and love...and self-love. But to know that I DID it, I made it happen, I did break free where so many others don't for whatever reason. I guess I'm glad, that's all. And I am still working on it, and I am still hoping that I'm on a path to peace with myself, even if the journey is a long one. Rome wasn't built in a day...or a month...or a year...it makes sense that the Book of Mol isn't either...and it will never be perfectly finished, or stop evolving, but at some point, I think, overall Rome eventually became a pretty dang impressive city.
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 31 August 2010 07:41 pm |
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jackbenimble wrote: What? You can retire at 50? I am soooo jealous. Hrmmmph. Ok, well, you're a good planner. You deserve it. 50....so young. 30 or 40 years to live, to enjoy life. Without having to work! You will definitely have to stick it out.
Yeah, that's the thing about medical. It's such a huge thing here, and there, well, you just get it. It makes so much sense.
And just to clarify - I will likely have to work - at something - but if I know I have health insurance coverage at a greatly reduced rate (via the corporate "group" retirees plan) I will as I said, get out of the corporate rat race and probably just work somewhere part time, like a bookstore or a coffee shop or something, or do consulting/contracting work, something with flexible hours where I can work remotely on my own timetable. I will want to stay occupied and will need a moderate supplemental income. But I have saved up a decent nest egg to tap into when I am old enough (59 1/2 I think), and if I have a house paid off as I intend, then things should be in decent shape to bridge the gap beginning at age 50. It's just a question for me whether I really want to do corporate for another 8.5 years, for the insurance and to pad the nest egg. I need more time time make that assessment I think.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 1 September 2010 06:25 pm |
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| The last remains of the serene, glowing orange sunset across the English Garden are so beautiful tonight...I wish I had someone to share it with.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 2 September 2010 07:41 am |
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Being tired at the end of the trip, I just went to the hotel after meetings were over yesterday, had a couple of beers and a salad, then went to bed early. Consequently, I arise on this last miorning having had a good amount of sleep, and am just lounging in bed for an hour before packing and catching the ride to the airport.
Last night with the down time back at the hotel, I found myself spending a lot of time checking the networking site for hits from friends. I need to break that habit. I don't know what I'm looking for there, maybe some kind of validation? Anyway life is "out there" and not on some computer screen...social networking is fine, but not if you are using it as some kind of fix, which I think that I am, at times. Just trying to be honest with myself here.
Gotta dash - much time has passed since writing the above - time to go catch my taxi...to go HOME!
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 September 2010 08:49 pm |
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Mol, hope you aren't flying home via the east coast and the hurricane! 
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 September 2010 02:09 am |
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Hey Mol,
I'm sure you're not the first one to get hooked on facebook. That's one reason I refuse to join - it can be another way of wasting time! And I'm old enough to get away with it. Have a nice trip back - or hope you had a nice trip back, by the time you read this!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 3 September 2010 10:31 am |
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Let The Decluttering Begin
Yaaaaaaaaay. I'm home, and boy did I crash hard once I got here. Somehow I didn't realize that by connecting via Heathrow from Munich with a 3 hour layover, that I was facing an 18-hour total travel day to get from my hotel in Munich to walking in my front door. I'm glad I didn't - I'd have been dreading it! No trouble with the hurricanes Pat - thanks for the concern!!!
I met a nice young student Hugo at LHR who is from France, heading to NYC and Montreal to visit using a couchsurfing website. After I got to know him a bit, I offered him to come stay with me in Chicago if he ever has the desire. There are a lot of nice people out there, and if they have the opportunity to travel cheaply they absolutely should see the world. My way (my job) is too heavy a burden for most. Which gives me something else to think about, since in the back of my mind I tend to assume that I won't be able to see much of the world without this job - but its false. I just need to keep networking and supplemented by websites, you can go a lot of places and stay with a lot of people for virtually nothing. Also, I cannot recall if I wrote about this, but there are also opportunities where you can housesit for someone in a foreign country too for a period of months. It's just a question of whether I can/should let go of my corporate "security" blanket.
Anyway, it feels GREAT to be home, with a 4 day weekend ahead. Peapod will bring me groceries this morning, since I ordered them online yesterday from my hotel bed in Munich. Wonderful service. I am focused on decluttering and making things simpler but I hardly know where to begin. Everywhere I look, there is clutter. Email. Wardrobe. Other "stuff". And I want to go for a run today too. Right now, though, I just want an omelette. Have to rummage around and see if I can at least manage a cheese one.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 3 September 2010 04:27 pm |
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The Email Rodeo
Well, the decluttering is under way. So far, sock drawer, cleaning supplies, refrigerator, and now working on my personal emails. It's sortof like the Email Rodeo. First, I've gotta lasso them all and dump them (by type/sender) into folders so I have a clean inbox and sent folder. That done, I'm starting to go through the low value/high volume stuff like shopping receipts and the like. I also registered for an online webinar next Friday offered by my grad school which is about decluttering/organizing emails and files so you can find things easily. Hopefully I will get some good ideas from it!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 3 September 2010 06:32 pm |
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Stepping Pools of Reflection
I took a break from emails as some memories about dogs and times and events past started making me a bit too reflective. I went over to the neighbors and got the mail - not too much of it, thankfully, and went through it all. A bit of cheer, my car title, and having that little goody was nice. Except for my house, I'm debt free. Then I received 2 check stubs and those were nice too. I'll probably pay bills in a little bit.
But the reason I came here was 'cause I started missing Jason again. I haven't replied to the song email he sent about a week ago (TSTCTC "Ius" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su3nu_-coW4), but I did pull it up and look at it again. I know that I am sitting here feeling feelings about him which he doesn't return for me. How I wish that was enough to just turn it off in my brain and my heart when the emotion comes over me. (Tears in eyes).
I finally watched On A Carousel of Sound We Go Round (featuring The Snake The Cross The Crown) on the plane back, it was the first time I felt like I could watch it without being overly immersed in thoughts of Jason the entire time. It was good without making me sentimental, probably because the songs it features are not the ones which we particularly shared with each other. I followed it up with Almost Famous, which is another rock/road trip type story and an absolutely perfect double-feature.
A short while later, I woke up from a doze as drool dribbled out of my mouth onto the blanket, just as the cute tattooed rock-n-roller in the seat behind was looking my way. My mind was at a loss for how to gracefully recover from THAT one. Classic.
I am tired to be sure, and could probably use a nap. I poured a gin and tonic and am just sitting here now being reflective. I've resisted the idea to get in touch with Pitch today even though he asked me to when I get back and we have a lot of catching up to do. No interest in coffee with Toolboy either. I sense this time is for me right now. Healing is taking a long time. But then, it's been nothing but craziness since CDog got sick, and it makes sense that healing will only now start to have a real chance to work.
But oh, I thought I was beyond these mournful Jason moments now...
Last edited on 3 September 2010 06:41 pm by mollymoo24
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 September 2010 07:39 pm |
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Hey Mol, congratulations on getting the car and *two* pays stubs. How does that work?
Glad you had a good trip...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 3 September 2010 10:28 pm |
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Hey Jack, the two pay stubs is cause we get paid every other week, and I didn't get mail for nearly 3 weeks. Nothing magical, just timing. At least there was more than came in than went out in bills!! I upped my mortgage payment by $200 and will probably increase that, since I no longer have a car to pay for.
I was bummed when I went looking for a replacement band for my very special and beloved Concord Delirium watch...they want $275-$300 at the dealers online. Too steep, but I didn't know if any other brand of band would fit. Fortunately I found one online at an antique dealer for only $35.00. I hope and believe its an original; based upon their reputation it should be fine. I'm not interested in blowing that kind of money.
I'm not getting enough done, but I think the mourning is getting better. I at a lot today, but I tried to at least eat fairly healthy. I did get into a bag of Walker Crisps (Cheese and Onion flavour, of course!) that I brought home and as usual started sneezing, proving beyond a doubt that I am allergic to something in them. Bummer.
I'm in the mood for ice cream...more comfort food. I may cave, I don't know. Toolboy hailed me on the networking site and offered to get together tonight but I'm not feeling it right now. To be honest, I had 2 gin and tonics while I was bumming and just didn't feel like being social. L texted me also and I don't feel like dealing with that today either. But hopefully I'll feel better later and get on with the decluttering. At least, every little bit that I do feels like I am making progress, regarless of what it is.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 4 September 2010 12:08 pm |
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Some Quotes on Simplicity and Decluttering
"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." - Hans Hofmann
"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." -William Morris
"Simplicity and repose are qualities that measure the true value of any work of art." - Frank Lloyd Wright
"I feel quite oppressed by the furniture we have." - Matali Crasset
"Life is simplified when there is one center; one reason, one motivation, one direction and purpose." - Jean Fleming
"The opposite of simplicity, as I understand it, is not complexity but clutter." - Scott Russell Sanders
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." -Leonardo da Vinci
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 4 September 2010 05:10 pm |
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!!! !!!
I'm starting to feel human again. I slept from 9 til 2 last night, and then 7 til 10 this morning, due to the jet lag. But I feel pretty good, especially now that I've got some coffee in me. The sun is shining and the day is crisp and cool. Perfect. Laundry started. Decluttering back in process.
Decluttering is a Very Good Thing. I have to say, I am going thru an entire canvas bag of papers from my job, which has been sitting for a year now in a corner. All of the notes regarding Tormentor and my former boss, all the documentation I had to keep in case it came down to a lawsuit or something, all the documentation I had from when I fought for (and was denied) the Director title in early 2007, and applied for the Global Marketing job in a bid to escape. And it all just doesn't matter now. I survived. It is over. 10 years of bullying and abuse. That is in the past and nobody cares any more. What an amazing release. To be able to chuck it all in the garbage because it is truly no longer relevant to my life.
Talk about decluttering?...I'm freaking CELEBRATING!!!! What a great thing, to be reminded of the adversity you faced, at the time when you have succeeded in overcoming it.
*******************************************************
EF and I spoke; she and her boyfriend are coming to the city (probably) to go rollerblading, so we are hoping to meet up, have dinner, etc. And (gulp) I have agreed to meet Toolboy afterward. I can't believe I am nervous. I am pretty sure it is because I haven't been dating. I mean, other than Pitch, the time I spend with guys hasn't involved a casual "hey let's meet for a drink and get to know each other". It will be good practice.
I haven't talked to PAG other than a couple of texts BTW; he's been working; but tomorrow he should be in the city for an event at #2 and I will have to talk with him then. I don't think he'll be surprised at all, I wasn't in touch from the road very much and haven't given him anything to cling to.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 September 2010 07:19 pm |
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| Mol, I think decluttering is not only good for your space, but for your head space as well. I just recently went through a few things from my divorce and it was so good to just throw them away, know I don't need them anymore, and know they can't hurt me anymore. Happy cleaning!
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 5 September 2010 08:23 pm |
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First Date
Well, the date with Toolboy was a success. I met him in front of his condo building then we walked to a nearby bar for a couple of drinks and to get to know each other a bit without the roommates around. We then bought some beer at a tap room down the street and went back to the apartment to sit out on the huge deck that they have. It was freezing out though and eventually we moved inside. They have a nice fireplace, but no sofas in the living room yet due to moving in not long ago.
He's cuter than I remember, which is good. He's of Irish descent, so has paler skin and lots of fine freckles, and eyes which go from green to blue depending on the light. I really like his voice, which is confident and a bit raspy and resonates in his deep chest when he talks. He's of the Irish farm worker build, I'd say about 5'8" or so with a nice, strong chest and arms. He was in the Army and also has an electrical engineering degree...but he left Ohio due to the lack of jobs there (35% unemployment in his area). He used to be in fight club when that was the thing (he's built for it for sure) but when money got scarce he actually started getting paid to fight to make ends...that's when he decided he needed to get out of there, headed to Arizona, but decided to stop in Chicago and ended up staying after finding a job. He's had some interesting jobs (including putting the pieces back together at the Ohio power plant which infamously failed and caused the east coast blackouts)
I have said before that it was important to me to be with someone who is can keep up with me intellectually. That, he can. Actually, I think we surprised each other in that department. Pretty broad ranging stuff, from calculus to light refraction to new product development to music and movies. We sure covered a lot of ground.
It wasn't my intention to stay, but it was late and I was tired, and I had no CDog to make me come home...so, I stayed over and we listened to music and cuddled in his room and slept...not enough I am afraid, I am in need of a nap today. And I don't know what his deal was but he had this thing about trying to get me to watch Conan the Barbarian once he found out I'd never seen it...something about the ideal woman, it was kind of a joke to him but I just begged off til another time when I was not too tired to pay attention. Hopefully when I see it, I'll 'get it'.
He like most of us has a 'bucket list' but his 2 main priorities are his music, and starting his own business. Even his day job is just a means to an end. He lives very minimally and simply, and I think keeps to himself and a pretty small circle. Given my draw to simplification, I like this aspect of him. Unfortunately, I think he is yet another who doesn't save or plan for the future, and I don't think he makes very good money at his job...at least he HAS a decent, steady job, but so far this is the one drawback I am seeing...I don't care if someone is well off, but they do need to have enough money so that we can do things together, like going out to eat, travelling, etc. I need to understand his situation a bit better.
I don't have him figured out. He seems like a person who doesn't have any hidden agendas, who seems direct and honest. And he seems to genuinely like me...well more than that...he really had been anticipating this date and seems ecstatic that things went so well. All of which makes me...suspicious. I guess that I learned from Michael that the guys who seem so in to you and pay you lots of compliments sometimes have just learned the art of getting what they want. They take what they want and then they leave. So I am approaching this with caution. I don't want to mistrust to the degree that I don't enjoy his attentions, but I don't want to be a fool, either. He wanted me to stay the day with him today but I left after we walked to Starbucks for coffee. (I joked that we finally had our cup of coffee, we just kindof did it backwards.) Anyway, I told him that I needed to stay firm to the priorities and goals I set for myself for this 4-day weekend. If I make the progress that I need to today, I can see him again tomorrow.
It turns out that he is somewhat disapproving of W, and the whole scene and how people (W especially) act to gain/maintain status based upon who they know and being known. He doesn't hang out anywhere regularly, and isn't part of 'that scene', which could actually be a GREAT thing for me. He did tell me that when he indicated to W his interest in me, W told him he'd be lucky if he could even get me to come over. Heh. Being a little bit unobtainable makes me all the more valued a prize.
I did talk to W on the deck when Toolboy was inside and said a few things which needed to be said. Still, I am certain that Toolboy doesn't realize the degree of acquaintance between W and I runs a bit deeper than it seems, and while I would prefer to leave it that way, there are other people in the mix who could say something to Toolboy now or later and so I think it is better that I say something next time we are together. Don't want him to think that I am hiding anything, building trust early is the best thing to do.
Oh yeah...he's into motorcycles...doesn't have one at the moment, but plans to get one. I think I could dig it...yeah.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 6 September 2010 03:37 pm |
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Alert!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around! This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, immediately take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidotes known as Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) or Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Happy Labor Day everyone. : )
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 6 September 2010 06:17 pm |
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Nauseous
Sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy. PAG crashed here after #2 last night and so this morning, I told him that it was time to end things. He didn't react very emotionally, having been rather prepared for this to happen. We still do like and care about each other, but even he offered that because of our schedules we don't spend enough time together and it feels like things get distant when I go away and we always have to restart when I get home. I told him that I refer to him as my "#2 [clubname] boyfriend" and he commented on the truth of it, while saying our schedules never really worked out where we could do other things. The distance is a factor, as is his lack of money to ever do things unless I pay for them. But it is a bit sad, because he has taken care of me and my needs without ever expecting anything in return, and he's a solid decent, caring guy. But he also still has some growing up to do, and hopefully the truthful things I have told him will help to propel him forward in his life. I know he's trying, but it has been a year now (as he noted) and this relationship is not moving forward and I told him that there is someone else I want to start seeing.
All things considered, I hope that this is the right thing. It's not so easy to find someone who is unequivically there for you, reliable, and genuinely good-hearted, but that is what PAG is. I sure hope that it is not a mistake. I know that when he meets someone else, I am going to be jealous...but it is solely my choice, and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think that the right man for me will meet a higher set of expectations. Still...I feel the urge to vomit.
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mollymoo24
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| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 6 September 2010 09:15 pm |
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Working Out Feels Gooooood...
Well, my muscles were in decent form today (could it be the pizza carbs from last night?) and I did a 3.1 mile "jog/walk" which actually wasn't bad...the weather is right around 70 degrees and it helped the breathing. I also got in toning - ULA and that should have been really hard, but wasn't too bad.
I weighed in yesterday and today, I am at 135 even. Things could be worse.
I have been awake since 2AM, so it will need to be an early night. I am heading out in about an hour to have grilled dinner (yay because I have no grill) and chill at Toolboy's; we are expecting storms now so heading to the lake per original plan is probably not the best idea. Besides, the more romantic parts of the lakefront are closer to where I live than he, so I think after tonight I will next have him come up my way (he has no car, but the el which runs by me is within 10 minutes' walk from his house). It will be good to make him put some effort into it in any event.
I decided that Toolboy needs to convince me that he has ambition and not just talk. It seems like he spends a lot of time practing his guitar and "chilling" so far. This dating thing is fun and at the same time not fun. It takes a certain investment to get to know someone, and even if you hit it off, there are sooo many things to be wary of.
Well I should probably motor. I need to finish getting dressed, take a swipe thru the front bookshelf, and then head out.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 September 2010 09:44 pm |
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Hey Mol - cool, a new relationship. Good luck to PAG, as you say, he seems pretty cool. Toolboy fought for work, huh? I find that impressive. If you feel like you can whip the butts of 90% of the guys you run into, that's got to be good for the confidence. It really sounds like you two have hit if off - the best sign is having all these great things to talk about. I'm happy for you --- I hope things continue to work out.
On cleaning up, well, I'm not very good at it but it sure does feel good when you just THROW THINGS OUT! I'm looking forward to the day, whenever that may be, when I can do that at my current job.
Here's the quote that stands out for me:
"Life is simplified when there is one center; one reason, one motivation, one direction and purpose." - Jean Fleming
That's where I need to get to.
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 7 September 2010 10:29 am |
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Yeah Jack, I liked that quote too. I've decided it is not an exclusive focus, but an exclusive priority which trumps all others, it what makes sense. To have an exclusive focus would be too boring of life, for sure.
Sortof related, completely unexpectedly and before I had a chance to tell Toolboy a bit more about W, W had some houseguests who I know from the scene who of course set hello to me right away...he was visibly suprised that I knew them...but it wasn't until an hour later when I got into private that I had a chance to 'do some splainin'. I could tell he wasn't happy about it but he seemed to shake it off...still I think I can see ahead where I may have to make some choices about who and how I am going to spend my time with.
The date also got off to a bit of a bumpy start as he was so completely casual about my arrival he still hadn't showered and was in the middle of an online video game. However...he wrapped it up quickly and showered and gave me his full attention afterward, so he made up for it. This however, is exactly why you have to get to know someone before you get too emotionally invested.
I do like him though. We have so much to talk about. And he seems so solid and simple. We want to go out and see some music together soon...and, if we are still seeing each other, he is going to be my date for The National.
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mollymoo24
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| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 7 September 2010 11:36 pm |
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Good Advices
Well maybe it is what I needed at the right time. I don't know.
Dr. B reminded me today that I hold all the cards. I forget this sometimes when I am attracted to someone I have I high opinion of.
She also told me I am already idealizing this guy and setting up an unhealthy dynamic she's seen before.
She also told me that if he hasn't asked me what I want out of a relationship, his interest (at least at this point) is simply getting me into bed.
I don't know if I missed anything, but talk about getting your parade rained on.
It is probably sound advice at the right time right now, from someone who has seen me make mistakes before.
So...I have to move forward with so much caution and so much suspicion and so much reserve that it completely ruins the whole experience of seeing someone new. So counter to the lively fun and spark and sponteneity and all that. Where's the balance so you don't kill the thing?
...Sigh...Sigh...SIGH....ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!
R.E.M. - Good Advices http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imdbuM1gEYI
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 8 September 2010 12:47 am |
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The Viability Question
Something wants to come welling up but I am not sure what, so I just came here to see. Came here, after a momentary regression in which I experienced an urge to write to Jason. How very interesting. What inside of me has stirred up now, what vulnerability is at play? And what would compel me in the direction of the man least capable of responding to me in a way which would make me happy?
Maybe because I know Jason would never intentionally hurt me, maybe because I can (could) be vulnerable with him and never suspect that he'd take advantage; no, he would go out of his way to make me feel OK about being vulnerable. But why not PAG? Because I never thought highly enough of PAG that his comforting would truly have the ability to make me feel better.
Dr. B says that I have two different approaches or "ego states" when it comes to men, and neither is healthy. There are guys like Pitch or Michael or D who I idealize and put on the pedestal, and guys like PAG or L who are beneath me. With the Pedestal Guys I become very submissive and am not really true to myself and what I want...with the Beneath Guys I am not paired well either. She says I need an Adequte Guy. Doesn't that sound like the bomb. It sounds completely...uninspired.
Anyway, there is absolute truth in her observation. She says the femine part of me, that part that knows what it is to be a woman, and the full powers thereof, gets fragmented and disconnected when I am with a Pedestal Guy. How does one become a fully realized woman, and what happened in my formative experiences to stunt that development? We never got to the answer, but one clue which came to mind was SHB. But there must be more than that. Maybe it is because those very same formative years where when I was going through the issues with my emotionally unavailable father, who I tried to please and desperately wanted to love me.
I didn't expect to land back on that theme tonight, but it is making some kind of connection for me. At a time when other girls were having their first dating experiences, I was still sheltered (as were the other girls I was friends with in h.s.) and instead the male figure at the center of my universe was my own father, who was absent in spirit if not in body. So back to WWLTM (which is still sitting here, unfinished), its about recreating that same dynamic.
I feel disappointed that I've gone from feeling happy and optimistic about Toolboy, to thinking I can't see him tomorrow, and maybe not ever...without any further interaction with him...all because I am weak and incapable of having a normal way of relating to this guy without bringing all this baggage with me. It seems like so much work to have to be deliberate in all your words and thoughts, and yet, if I don't try to make the effort, when am I going to ever fix myself and my way of relating to certain people? Of relating better to myself? Do I let this scare me off, or if I want to try, is it going to take so much energy and focus from me which could best be spent elsewhere right now? Right when I am striving for decluttering and simplification, do I need this complication, this extra homework assignment, can I take on the extra time and effort and mental space needed to make something which seems so simple (a healthy relationship) actually viable? And yet - what is more important to me right now in life than to learn how to take care of myself and be happy and healthy in the way that I relate to men, so I am not doomed to a lifetime of repeating my mistakes? A good relationship means more to me than any job on my life happiness scale, I've said it before.
This entry itself is an example of the type of clutter - mental clutter - I am trying to live without. But, the heavy work must be done, so some other clutter I guess is going to have to be sacrificed, at least for now. I am not sure what that is exactly...maybe work itself will have to step down, even at a time of intense workload and important decisions.
Fire me.
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 8 September 2010 01:23 am |
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On the bright side today, I manged to keep work under control (maintaining my zen-like aura of calm), had a great one-on-one with my top manager, limited the actual hours at my desk due to 2 doctors apptmts - the best news being my ankle is just a bad sprain which hasn't finished healing yet (after 6 weeks)...I have a brace to wear for support and ankle exercises with a theraband; I did those a few minutes ago and they stretched it out nicely - lots of stiffness and popping - but should see a lot of improvement within a few days. I'm stoked. No surgery. So altogether it was a pretty good day, and I'm going to focus on getting to sleep early tonight.
ETA: Oh! And I slept in the bed last night. Dang, that was comfy.
Last edited on 8 September 2010 01:24 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 9 September 2010 12:06 am |
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I guess with a little more time to think about it, Toolboy must have had a change of intention because I haven't heard from him since I left his place Monday evening. My guess is that he cornered W and talked to him further about me. Of course I'll see how things play out from here, maybe it just needs a little time but it just feels like dead air. Maybe its for the better...? I don't know...
I am being a ridiculously bad girl in eating an entire frozen stouffers mac and cheese for dinner, along with some pinot noir and a baked chicken breast. It is safe I think to assume that I'm on the emotional rocketship a teensy bit.
PAG and I exchanged texts last night for about 20 minutes. He wasn't handling the split up very well, went into the "I am a loser" mode. I feel really bad for him, because both of us thought that he was pretty prepared for it. Anyway he seemed to be doing much better at the end and I am glad we can still talk and be supportive for each other.
I have a lot of work which needs to be done tonight, which should keep me from drinking too much wine. I needed a glass to calm down a bit, and will need to get working soon. My first meeting tomorrow is at 7, too. I'm working too much again.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 9 September 2010 01:35 am |
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Work done for now. Having a second glass of pinot.
I hate flakes.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 9 September 2010 10:10 pm |
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Dude. Still nothing from Toolboy. I've been checking to see if he's been on the networking site and he hasn't for a couple of days; however I just now noticed that he's responded affirmatively to attend an event night at #1 on Friday. So - not only is he not leaving it open to see what I might want to do, but he's apparently going to the one place I would be going if I was going out. Curses. F*ck the male species, seriously.
ETA - OK I checked the news feed and also where he stands in the order of acceptances and apparently this didn't happen since we parted ways Monday. Still...dead air.
Last edited on 9 September 2010 10:37 pm by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 10 September 2010 12:17 am |
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So now the question is, how long do I wait before I send him a message and call it out? If he was just some person I'd never run into again, it wouldn't matter. But I will see his roommate, and potentially him, out and about. I'd much rather just directly say we're adults, if you don't want to see me its cool. That way no one has to be uncomfortable if we run into each other. On the other hand, if nothing's wrong to him, then perhaps it would just be too...clingy this early. Ah, I suppose I should "do nothing" tonight, and let it go one more day before reconsidering my approach.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 10 September 2010 03:44 am |
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Assemblage 23 - Lullaby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlzQqToPchM
May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore
And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay
As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change
Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before
As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake
And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay
Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness
Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 10 September 2010 05:48 am |
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| Toolboy hailed me on the networking site a bit after 11...didn't make much small talk before asking about getting together this weekend. So he is coming over tomorrow night and we will see how it goes, but I am realizing that I am a ball of anxiety about things at this point which is totally unhealthy. I've been shopping online for 2 hours looking for a backpack for my netbook and a nylon shoulder bag to replace "old trusty" which finally died on this last trip. This girlie needs to get to bed.
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