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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 13 January 2010 02:33 am |
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Priorities
Well, "tired" continues...although I am now pretty much packed, have fed PAG and I some dinner, and generally picked up the house. I am out of toothpaste, but too tired to run out for more just now.
It wasn't a good eating day, primarily because of last nights' uncontrolled binge. Two tortillas, two hot dogs, loads of hot sauce, 3oz. of chihuahua cheese, a PBRC, some baked scoops plus two gin and tonics. Hope I am not forgetting anything. Today: Breakfast - Starbucks turkey bacon sandwich. Lunch - caesar salad w/1 tbsp dressing, grilled veg, a bit of pasta marinara, and a small piece of sausage...large helping of guacamole & chips. Dinner - marinated chicken breast, portion of mashed potatoes and green beans. Another gin and tonic and probably one more to come.
Worst, no workout again, home late, busy, now exhausted. Best I can hope for is either an early awakening to do toning, and a nice "run-in-the-sun" after we check into the hotel. Work is creeping into my vacation of course - mandatory conference calls, loose ends which need to be addressed, tons of things I am behind on. All I can do is all I can do. I really need to relax, see the sun, do some writing and running, and try to relax. It's an awful lot of money to be spending, to spend it working.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 13 January 2010 02:39 am |
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| Here you are pouring out your emotional eating list... and all I can think is they make baked scoops? RIDICULOUS, I know, but hey... that's what hit me! I do know how you feel, when life gets hectic it is sooo hard to make time for exercise and soooo easy to overeat. Enjoy your minivacation and try to get in some run time if you can, but otherwise the task will still await you when you return, recharged!
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zenobia
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 January 2010 05:48 am |
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i hope you have a fabulous vacation! the weather is great in AZ right now. super perfect, especially compared to Chicago! have fun, relax, don't think too much about anything, and just have a good time being.
and have a safe trip :)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 15 January 2010 04:44 am |
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Gamers Paradise
Hasn't been any time for writing. I've been working an awful lot since I got here. I think around 3PM today, I finally got things to the state where the rest can wait til I am home on Sunday. 1 project, my boss hasn't replied, so I may still have yet to work a couple of hours tomorrow. Sigh. It's not really fair to PAG nor to me. But we're having an OK time. Been to Camelback mountain twice, we climbed most of the way up it late this afternoon to take pictures. Have been eating too much. RA Sushi last night, and tonight, the Yard House and a big cheeseburger - and onion rings.
I tried to jog today but the right calf muscle was giving me a problem. Its really sad because running outside was the primary reason a dropped over a grand to come here for 3 nights.
We have also sat by the firepit and tonight, soaked our aching feet in the hot tub. That was nice.
Well tomorrow is another day. I expect to get to bed soon, and get up early to do some writing. Primary topic is....what am I doing with PAG and what should I do at the end of this trip about him.
Texts, emails, messages, etc tonight flying around with rumors that #2 closed. When the dust settled, it turns out that the manager was fired. Don't know the story yet. But, when #%@&! like this happens, usually its not the last person to leave or be fired...expecting tumultuous times ahead.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 15 January 2010 01:39 pm |
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This song has been on my mind lately, and as I finally, finally, sit alone in the lobby inf front of a huge fireplace with a cup of coffee and my journal, preparing to write, a particular line from it seems to fit:
Where you been darlin' - we've been holding this moment for you".
Yacht - Psychic City - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8ipqEk3ZPY
Ahhhhh...time to get back in touch with my inner Mol. I miss her so.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 15 January 2010 06:05 pm |
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Awww bless PAG's heart. After sleeping 12 hours (the man has a capacity to sleep like no other adult person of my acquaintance) he came and said hello then wandered off alone into town to get coffee and breakfast and leave me to my own devices for a couple of hours more.
I'm presently in a cushy recliner in the sand by the sandy end of the pool, it was in direct sunlight until just now, keeping me warm and feeling awfully good penetrating into my sore shoulders and back. It is warm enough to have a nice day hanging out by the pool and when I get to the right point in my day, to get my suit on and go for a dip.
I had about 45 minutes of email for work this morning; at least my boss responded and says I can turn in my project on Monday. I still need to complete it on Sunday, but don't have to work on it for the next 2 days. I also learned that my candidate in the UK accepted the job offer, so I am glad to have that out of the way, although I need to get on with developing an onboarding plan, and thinking through more about how to make this work.
I seem to be having trouble getting into a deep thought process, part of it is having PAG here and part of it has been work and the whole set of responsibilities I am dealing with right now. I really need to figure this out. It should be pretty easy. I have been trying to understand the reasons that I am reluctant to end it. Basically, the best I have figured out, is that it is a more comfortable, happy state of being, to be in a relationship than not....and the other 'relationships' that I have don't have the simple happiness that this one does. But in part, it is that simple happiness which draws me to PAG, and at the same time which repels me. Because I know that I can't be fulfilled long term with a guy who spends a lot of time playing video games and drawing in his free time, simpy passing time pleasantly enough instead of laying groundwork for his own future. At times, he does do things which are on a course, certain of his drawings for example which he is cleaning up and trying to get a portfolio of drawings together to support a story he wrote a long time ago which he believes in...I don't know. Maybe part of it is that he lives with Mom and Dad. Part of it is that I, as with L, find myself paying for way more than my fair share of things...because I want to go out to dinner and travel and go to movies and all that and he simply can't be spending money like I can. But I get back to my "criteria" for a mate and he's missing in several key areas...financially secure/good job, able to keep up with me intellectually, and being into music. He also doesn't even own nicer clothes to go out to a nice restaurant or anything...jeans, t-shirts (black, with his designs on them), camo pants...somewhere he owns a suit for weddings, but that's it. He's not someone I could ever take to work functions, he would be a part of my life, like L, that's not congruous with the other part of my life. This is why it is so hard for me, because I DO play in both worlds, and well...its hard to find a guy who is "all that", and single. I find that I do still see Pitch as my ideal mate, I don't suppose that will ever change, but that's of little use to me. We swapped texts a few times while I was out here, I haven't mentioned that I have a companion on this trip and he hasn't asked...last night I said something positive about Scottsdale and he wrote back that he was thinking of wintering in Phoenix. Another interest we have in common. Sigh. I wish he'd see what is right in front of him...
I spoke with Ian last night in all the fray around #2...he mentioned that Jax is having a soiree Saturday night and he will be spinning. Our plane lands around 9. I really should go for a couple of hours, guess I will see how tired I am. I also wanted to see Jason Saturday night. There seems an urgency to spend time with people before I spend a good chunk of the month of February on the road. I am also thinking about coming back down here in March on a solo trip, the weather will be a tad warmer (80 instead of 70) and I know I would enjoy it.
All right, its time to go put the suit on, I think, and get back to the Book of Mol.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 January 2010 08:01 pm |
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Hey Mol,
I see a bit more clearly your ambivalence about Pag. A bit of a pickle, for sure.
Kind of a working vacation, huh? Well, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it. I wouldn't mind being able to pull that off. Better than being in the office, at least.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 15 January 2010 11:24 pm |
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| So PAG is not someone who fits into your life, or meets certain essential elements of what you want in a mate- this I get from what YOU wrote. Yet he is still around, and you are contemplating continuing a relationship with him? It seems to me as though there is either a) some intense connection between you or b) you are hanging on to him for some other reasons. Because you are a smart lady, and in reading what you wrote, it seems he doesn't fit your life, and would therefore be unable to fully live in each moment with you. Hope you figure it all out soon!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 16 January 2010 03:51 am |
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Mol Hates Television
OK. Well, I am back here because its the last night in Scottsdale and PAG seems to want nothing more to sit here in the hotel room and watch TV for the rest of the evening. Well, I suppose that this is part of getting to know someone better. Me, I spent a ton of money to come here, and be outside, and I find television completely annoying. So, I've jammed my IPod in my ears and decided to get lost in my online journal for a spell.
Yeah MJ, I am trying to figure out what those 'other reasons are'...I think at some level it just boils down to being with someone who really likes you, whose company you usually enjoy, versus being alone. Much as Jason and Pitch are part of my life, those situations are extremely delicate and fluid, whereas PAG is extremely solid and constant.
He just looked up from the bed where he is sprawled and shot me his goofy grin. He is adorable at times, I must admit.
Tonight after dinner (Kona Grill - NEVER AGAIN) we went to Starbucks for a cup of coffee. It hit me that he has an incredible opportunity to sell a bunch of shirts here, as #2 has come under new management and is threatening a 'format change' which would mean the end of the place as we now know it. It would be incredibly sad for a lot of people, but they would enjoy having shirts and other souvenirs and PAG is positioned to feed the need and at the same time, make some dough. I said it, and he said, yeah, I already thought about that. We started batting around a few concepts then talked about coming back here and sketching some things up....then he came in and turned the tv on. I even said something to him about drawing and he said, no that's OK, I'm fine...and continued to watch tv. Well just as it is difficult for me to write with him around, perhaps it is difficult for him to draw around me, and not at his usual desk. I am curious to see what hay he makes out of this the next week or so.
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zenobia
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 January 2010 12:49 am |
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man, i HATE sitting around and watching t.v. on vacation!!!!! UUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
i remember one day in San fran, hubs didn't want to go out and about, so i went on my own. and it's not like we had cable in that room or anything, like 4 channels and it was kinda fuzzy. man, it might have even been a dial t.v.... i don't remember because i didn't watch the da.mn thing!!!! honestly, i think the only time i set eyes on the t.v. on that vacation was after a wine tour we took where we bought artisan bread and some yummy cheese spread stuff. we sat on teh bed, and ate, and i think i was more or less trying to look out the window...anyway, we ate and i was ready to get out there again. screw t.v. on vacation!!! that's one reason i like camping. no t.v. available 
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 02:16 am |
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| I HATE watching TV on vacation too, but my son (age 15) is already a mini-man and wants to know if we are staying in a "good" hotel room (translation = lots of TV channels and a big TV). We were just talking about this in my carpool the other day, as one of the men is married to a woman who wants to go go go on vacation and he would rather just sit around doing mindless things to balance their usual busy lifestyle. I do like camping, when I can hike, read, and sit around a campfire, but I also like vacationing near beaches more than anything! Hope you enjoy your last night and come to some conclusions about the questions before you. I ran tonight (on the treadmill) and thought of you!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 05:08 am |
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Who's Using Who?
Well - I HAVE figured out that part of my reluctance to end it with PAG has to do with losing the position I have at #2, which in part is intertwined with being with PAG. I end it, and I'm just another gal who goes there a lot...it changes relationships with people who are PAG's friends especially those who work there...it's L all over again I suppose...they are more friends first with your guy and that's who they'll be loyal to; and I'm not ready to lose stature at another club I've invested a lot of time in. Brutal, honest truth here, it is feeding into the equation, although I've just identified it tonight.
Anyway, we were all packed up ready to leave the hotel when PAG mentioned that he got a hold of someone to take his work shift tonight. My jaw dropped...he had this option before, but we went home on Saturday instead of Sunday because he wanted to be back for work...I said, well, we could stay another night...or take a later flight now...naw....he said, let's just go home like we planned. Well I figured it out a bit later...with all the fray around #2, he really wanted to go there tonight to show support and talk to people. When I called him on it, he admitted it. So I said, I didn't know what I was doing tonight, that I should really go to Jax's party where Ian is spinning, but I should really go by#2 and show support there too, and that I was so tired I really didn't know what I was going to do. In the back of my mind, I had thought I might have Jason over tonight, with PAG tied up at work and all. Well, I did decide to just stay in, I am really tired and didn't sleep well last night...so PAG asked me if he could come back here and spend the night later, cause its easier" for him than driving back home to the burbs. Hence the title of this post.
That blows any chance of Jason coming over of course.
In other news, this afternoon while walking around Old Town, I got a phone call from L which I let ring to vmail. Ding-dong indicating that he'd left a message. A minute later he called again. Ding-ding indicating he'd left another message. Well typically when he calls, and especially twice in a row like that, it means he's agitated about something, so I left the message sit until I'd got home tonight. And yep, its a rant, about how I didn't get his check to him yet (I mailed it Weds from AZ) and that means I am trying to 'hold on' to things and drag it out...then when he called back it was to say he's going to the Michigan house in a few weeks and the stuff that is still there I asked him to bring back, including something of my Mom's, he is going to throw out. I've decided to not let it bother me, because I can't do anything about it, and after all it is only 'stuff'...and if he wants to prove himself to be a heartless a$$ then he can do so, it only makes it easier for me to stop feeling sorry for him.
I also got an unexpected phone call from Pitch about 45 mins after getting home, while PAG and I were just settling down to eat dinner delivered from Leona's. He'd been drinking, spending a good amount of the day at Goose Island with his 'younger brother', Holden. He thought I was still in AZ and was amusing himself; he said he thought it would be fun to have on the off chance caught me by the firepit a the resort with a certain friend...it was obvious that it has never occurred to him that I took a companion with on this trip, and I am still not saying anything about it. But honestly, I was too tired to talk with him in that unfortunate state and told him to call me tomorrow.
I know that staying home tonight is the best possible outcome, yet again, I am frustrated with being the absent one...relationships are difficult to maintain and take effort, but with this new job, the "late night" crowd in particular is going to be difficult for me to maintain proper ties with. I wrote about this quite a bit in my journal, about losing things to this new job and being disappointed with myself. No doubt, more writing to do on that front. But for now....
I've eaten entirely too much each of the past 3 days on this trip, and so tomorrow I need to have a good workout day. Full toning, and at least 3 miles. I was glad to have had a 4+ mile workout yesterday, of which I think I jogged nearly 3 miles, intermittently. My calf muscles are still giving me problems, but I continue to be careful, and yesterday was the closest I have been to a 'run' in 4 weeks. It felt great, happy, liberating again. I also will weigh, although the official weigh-in isn't until Monday, I fully expect to be back up to 131. But those cheeseburgers were #%@&! good. 
Last edited on 17 January 2010 05:10 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 05:32 am |
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This quote has stuck with me since I came across it this morning:
"Life was something you dominated if you were any good. "
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Crack-Up
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 08:36 am |
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Intermission
Sonofagun. A bit after 12, I picked up an email from Jason "wish you were here". Well I AM here, and PAG messed me all up for tonight. I was pretty exhausted anyway, but PAG said he was coming back here "early" and now its 3:30 and yeah, I could have at least seen Jason for an hour or two to say hello. The workweeks ahead are looking so busy with work that weekends are really the sensible time to see him and Pitch.
At least I refused to turn on the TV when we got home and had the radio on instead. I don't want to hear a tv for the next month!
I guess this is "intermission" of sleep, I think it was so warm in here it caused me to wake up, now I haved turned down the heat and cracked open a window. I have a headache, probably caused by that massive delivery dinner I consumed. Mind you, it wasn't what I initially ate, it was getting into the leftovers about an hour later and eating them all which really blew the lid off any calorie-limiting efforts.
Gonna try to go back to sleep now. After I look at a few Scottsdale real estate listings.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 03:16 pm |
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Sunday Morning Awesomeness
So, here I sit on my couch with my large mug of Starbucks. The sun is shining in Chicago, peeking through a crack in the red-striped curtains of my Den. C-Dog is snoozing on his bed about 4 feet away, looking extremely relaxed, eyes closed. PAG, of course, is still sleeping, and I have little fear of his emergence before Noon. In fact, I likely will have to rouse him to make sure he gets to work on time, he got home around 4.
I was up when he got home, in fact, intermission lasted around 2.5 hours last night. However - HA! - I thwarted the gods of non-productivity. To wit - I went shopping online and got: a spare razor for my overnight kit, hair gel (the discontinued stuff I can only get on EBay), a baby shower gift for my lead analyst, and I did my Peapod, for delivery tomorrow evening. 2 of the 4 were actually to-do's for today, so its like waking up ahead of the game! A-ha-ha-haaaaaa (evil laughter erupts).
So, I did fall asleep for what must have been a REM cycle cause it lasted another 4 hours, and I am feeling pretty good at the moment. My plan is to go for a jog, and the sunlight is quite an agreeable accoutrement to said plan.
But first - coffee.
Its at times like this, that I think of Beth. Seems like such a long time since I've had a moment of rare peace like this on a weekend morning.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 07:19 pm |
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| Wow, too much going on for me to even read about, I wonder sometimes how you actually LIVE it! I hope you get the good workout in today. Last night I got a really good run in on the treadmill. My thighs and calves are yelling at me today, but it was well worth every minute of it! It was one of those times when you just start out, tentatively, to see if you can do it for just a little teeny bit, and next thing you know it's 1/2 hour later! I sometimes think if I stopped pushing it, and let my body cue me, I could get back into my running so much easier. But my body isn't cuing fast enough
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 08:14 pm |
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Hi MJ - as a matter of fact, I did! 3 mile workout, most of it jogging, intermittent walking, approx 2.5W/0.5J. My injured calf was in good shape, the uninjured one still locked up and not relaxing. I was sooooooooo happy though, and felt great! The sun has been out all day and the temp was in the 30's when I ran. Happy indeed!
I'm presently camped out at my favorite Starbucks to work for a few hours. They have these new hot panini sandwiches and I wanted a warm meal so I had the Santa Fe Chicken (390 cals). Earlier, I had apple-cinnamon oatmeal for brekkie (160). I am really glad to be here, seems like it has been too long since I was able to just hangout here. Haven't heard from Pitch and Jason is busy all day...it appears that I am going to have a nice quiet night before a VERY busy workweek.
Spend a little time this morning putting some more music on my IPod that I have been meaning to get around to. There is so much good stuff out there.
Have a great rest of the day!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 11:41 pm |
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Well, its a bit of a cheat to restart accountability when you are having a good day, but I am seeing limited benefit in going back and trying to reconstruct the past few days of splurging just to put them into the counter when the scale and my clothes will pretty much tell the tale. Today, however is going much better. So far: 571IN/303NET. I am planning to do something with turkey for dinner.
I am tired though and not making the desired progress with things for work. If I can get to bed early (9PM, eek!) and get to the office around 5:30 tomorrow AM things will work out all right, I think. That means getting up around 4:40. Eek again!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 17 January 2010 11:58 pm |
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Final totals for the day: 912IN/644NET. Lite & fit yogurt and a turkey sandwich for dinner. It was pretty easy to have a low day after all that calorie loading the past few days.
I am ready for bed. Have made sleepytime tea and taken 1/2 a Xanax. Seriously. It's 6:56PM. I do need toning in the worst way though, so that is a priority for tomorrow.
Pitch commented on my networking site post about that band I was listening to while working at Starbucks but that is all. At least he checked to see what I was up to.
I'm outta here. Gnight. Seriously. (fingers crossed). I need to be on my game big time tomorrow...starting earrrrly.
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Terabyte
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| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1587 |
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Posted: 18 January 2010 01:23 am |
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Good luck on the weigh-in tomorrow! And the toning will make you happy--guaranteed!
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 18 January 2010 02:01 am |
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| Hope you get a good night's rest! I brought home work this weekend, and had nooo success in getting it done. I tend to work better under pressure and it is not due til Friday, so I will bang it out by going in early or working during lunch, etc! Hopefully you actually fall asleep and stay asleep so you can get in early tomorrow and do the same!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 18 January 2010 06:16 am |
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So...I fell asleep a bit after 9, after spending over 2 hours trying to get my CD burner to work properly to copy digital photos which L requested. 45 minutes later, I was awaked by my cell phone ringing. PAG. I freaked, thinking it must be an emergency. After all, he responded to my 7PM post on the networking site about going to bed, and I had left him a voice mail a few minutes later saying if he didn't get a chance to call me back in the next 10 minutes, that I was going to bed and don't call.
So - he called. "I was just returning your call". Bloody stupid Eff, PAG. You know I don't sleep well. You know you are supposed to check via text first before calling this late. WTF? I was really ticked off about it. Now its after 1 AM and I get up in about 4 hours for work.
The owner of the bike shop just chatted me up on the networking site, I saw him pass Starbucks earler and we waved. He apologized for not stopping in and surprised I said "I didn't expect you to." After a bit of light and fun conversation out of the blue he says "you're cute". I didn't know what to say. He's married and just had a baby six months ago. When I didn't respond right away he goes "no reply?" Then I said "Um. Not sure what to say...let's just change the subject." He then went on to say that he meant it innocently and he reread what he said and saw how it could be interpreted differently and now he feels "weird" and awkward. I hope and think that he wasn't trying to lead up to something, but it weirded me out too. I just said "dont worry about it, dont get weird, that would suck" and he smiled and then excused himself and signed off for the night. Darn it all. Especially if he was trying to lead up to something on behalf of BSG. Anyway, I tried to smooth it over, as did he, and hopefully it won't get in the way of whatever good relations are slowly building.
Allrighty, I need to try once more to hit the hay. Xanax isn't getting it done, unfortunately.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 18 January 2010 11:19 pm |
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| Wow, everyone knows not to wake you on a work night. How disrespectful! I guess he really doesn't get how stressful your job is, or how much responsibility you have. Not sure you can "fix" that because it seems it would just be common sense and courtesy!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 19 January 2010 01:56 am |
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T.M.S.C.B.S.F.S.
So said my networking site status last night (feel free to guess); however PAG has since apologized most sincerely, without promping, and I think he simply just didn't put 2 and 2 together...and hadn't listened to my voice mail. OK, he is duly advised. 
Whomp. Whatta day. As I sent a note to Steve as an expression of my drowningness, I am trying to "maintain my zen-like aura of calm". Unfortunately, I am experiencing the kind of calm which occurs when you are stressed beyond the break-point. Sort of like when you are so angry that you whisper, and it scares the #%@&! out of people.
In addition to all the European stuff - big project, having a guy starting in a newly created position on another continent and figuring how to get him started...the US stuff is hot and heavy; year-end reviews, first staff meeting of the year tomorrow, sales managers in for a 1PM meeting tomorrow where I have nothing prepared covering my 2 hour time slot, major project deadlines everywhere...and then phone call that tipped me into freak-calm-zen-land...my lead analyst phoned me from her car at lunch time and said with a laugh "I have to cancel our 1PM meeting, my water broke, I am on the way to the hospital".  Two and a half weeks early...loose ends everywhere including projects due for customers this week that no one else is sufficiently up to speed on...don't get me wrong, I am excessively happy for her and her husband, becoming first time parents. That.is.awesome! It's just....a lot for me to handle right now, and there's no give. I worked 12 hours solid and just came home, had an omelet for dinner, and am taking a bit of time to relax. First conference call at 7AM tomorrow. That means getting up at 5:15. Working out seems a fantasy, I am exhausted and I am in desperate need of a good nights' sleep. I need to figure out how to get some help with things, rather than try to do it all myself - THAT is the immediate focus I should have.
And for now...I went looking for images to update my networking site picture...zen...calm...and came upon quotes Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (author, Robert M. Persig). I love this: "The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there." Amen.
I'm off to work on my accountability (cals and weigh-in). I binged badly last night in my xanax-influenced, PAG-aggravated, non-sleep state, so this is going to take a while.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 19 January 2010 02:29 am |
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Well. Not completely tragic.
Yesterdays totals (incl. binge-o-rama): 1675IN/1407NET.
Today (incl a generous gin-and-tonic): 1503IN/1503NET (no exercise  )
Weigh-in...131.
I've been eating a lot of salty foods and need to get back on the workout program. All will be well...
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 19 January 2010 03:45 am |
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| Was just wondering why I am eating instead of sleeping. Another 4 triscuits, 2.5 oz turkey, .5 oz bleu cheese. Hmmmmm. At least I am out of peanut butter...til Peapod arrives tomorrow.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 19 January 2010 07:48 am |
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| Wondering why one again, I am awake at 2:47AM.
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50lbs2lose
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Posted: 19 January 2010 10:43 am |
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Hope you finaly fell asleep. Just wondering if you have ever tried something like valarian root or kava kava? They are both natural and relax the nervous sstem. Also try drinking a hot cup of vanilla rooibos with milk before going to bed. ( Not too late that you are up peeing all night though).
Hope you have a better day.
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 19 January 2010 10:12 pm |
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Thanks Cindy.
I am completely sleep-deprived and yet I successfully navigated the shark-infested waters today, including two hours on the firing line with the sales managers. Heh. Knowing your stuff down cold comes in handy on short notice.
Just got home. Waiting for Peapod to deliver then I think I will try for a nap. They have a two hour window, sure hope they come on the early side of that. I am actually having hallucinations.
I'll put cals in the counter later - brekkie 1 egg, 2 bacon, 1 whole wheat toast; lunch, ham/chs panini from Starbucks (370). Expecting to eat lo-cal for dinner, with Peapod coming I'll have the good and the green back in the house.
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mjremix
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Posted: 19 January 2010 10:18 pm |
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| Ughhh I hear ya on the need for a nap. Sucks that you had a hard time sleeping. I often overeat when I wake up groggy, in the middle of the night, and can't go back to sleep. It always seems to me that my defenses are down and it almost feels a bit automatic. Sometimes I think I should lock the snack cupboard at night!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 19 January 2010 11:09 pm |
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No kidding MJ! Of course "snack cupboard" in my case means the entire kitchen and pantry....because late night grazing knows no bounds...
Well, I've put everthing in the calculator, including tonight's dinner and last nights "snack" and am at 1400IN even.
I tried to lay down after Peapod arrived but couldn't fall asleep. I am so tired, actually, that I have room spins so its a bit yucky just lying there. My 1400 includes a bit of single malt scotch that I am now sipping and with luck, will help me get over the hump. Otherwise, its Xanax again.
I can't keep this up. It is no life. I miss my free/fun time.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 20 January 2010 01:54 am |
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| Well, after chatting online a bit with a friend, I decided to go for a walk, to feel better, clear my head, and hopefully set myself up for a better nights' sleep. Just as I was getting ready to leave the house, I heard from PAG, who decided to come into the city and go to #2 tonight. Rather than let that derail me, I invited him to come meet me and take a walk with me, then headed out the door. Got in a 1/2 mile, then met PAG at the house. He hadn't eaten dinner...rather than derail, I gave him options - he picked pizza - and I left him there to make his own pizza and went for my walk....another 2 1/2 miles, brisk pace, picked up some ice for PAG's soda. I feel a bit better, although I am sitting next to him on the couch and he is stuffing a Gino's East deep dish pizza into his mouth. It will be a challenge to resist - but the 8 o'clock rule is in effect, so I am going to try!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 20 January 2010 03:18 am |
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Nope. Didn't make it. There was one slice of pizza left, sitting out, and I eventually ate it. Then, that had me on a roll so I had a serving of a hamburger and noodle dish, with cheese. I never finished the Scotch though...so 1905IN, 1646NET. I always get so close to the finish line, then blow it.
Anyway, good night...I kicked PAG out, and am taking Xanax....please please please let me get at least 6 hours tonight....Please...
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 20 January 2010 06:28 pm |
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The Good: 6 hours of unbroken sleep!
The Bad: Emotional eating today. 
The Ugly: My stress level! Argh!!!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 21 January 2010 03:56 am |
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Maybe its because of the bad and the ugly but I've no interest in accountability today and have eaten quite a bit.
Yogurt+granola+blueberry+raisin toast
egg+sausage+wheat toast
turkey avacado club sandwich + potato chips
leftover thai noodles w/a bit of chicken, then hamburger/noodles
1/2 tortilla, 1.5 oz ham, .8 oz cheese, light salad dressing
1.5 glasses white wine
1pbrc
.....at least I didn't eat the cake this afternoon (?) at the post-birth shower...
I went for a 3 mile workout after I got home, jogged about 2.25 of it, still having some left calf issues, but was able to move at a fairly decent clip for a while.
Chris came over, finally, to claim his hoodie and to return my movie 24 Hour Party People. He hung out for about and hour and a half that I really didn't have available, but I haven't had one on one time with him forever and it was nice hanging out. We eventually put on his Ipod and listed to Altered Images, Cocteau Twins, Information Society, Chris and Cosey...it's nice that we appreciate the same music. He's off to another of Prop's events while I wait for my Xanax to kick in...
PAG has gotten together some new designs that people are excited about, I am very glad. He has so much talent...eventually the right person is going to see it and things I HOPE will take off for him...
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Terabyte
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Posted: 21 January 2010 04:13 am |
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I hope things take off for him, that would be really great!
Maybe make you feel more attracted to him too--if you see him as a go-getter?
Maybe?
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 January 2010 04:52 am |
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Hey Mol,
I just caught up. Whew - what week, huh? I don't know how you do it. At least you got that meeting with the sales people out of the way. I would've been freaking out - if I speak in public, I have to be ready, probably over-prepared.
That was a very profound quote about Zen on the top of the mountain. Also about being so mad that people get nervous. One thing I've noticed, is that people who get mad very often get their way. I almost like when I get so mad, I don't care anymore. It's liberating, actually.
I hope the rest of the week is a bit less stressful for ya...
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mjremix
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Posted: 21 January 2010 12:03 pm |
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I had one of those complete wrecks of a night with eating too, but your choices are at least healthy for the most part! I went for cheetos and m & m's! We'll both recover though. Sometimes life stress gets so heavy, it's hard to do the hard work that is necessary to maintain a healthy diet, especially since we KNOW we have a problem with eating our emotions! I am just trying to focus on the positive-today is a fresh and new day!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 21 January 2010 02:01 pm |
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mjremix wrote: I had one of those complete wrecks of a night with eating too, but your choices are at least healthy for the most part! I went for cheetos and m & m's! We'll both recover though. Sometimes life stress gets so heavy, it's hard to do the hard work that is necessary to maintain a healthy diet, especially since we KNOW we have a problem with eating our emotions! I am just trying to focus on the positive-today is a fresh and new day!
Yeah this is a good point MJ. I rarely have junk food in the house, so its pretty rare that my binge list contains doritos, ice cream, cookies, sweets etc. That is a good thing!
I agree that every day is a fresh start. Every day I have a fresh chance to meet my 500 calorie deficit target - which, if I do it often enough, maintains my weigh and will eventually start removing the pounds.
I slept last night too, another 6 hours straight! Woo Hoo!!!!!
Tomorrow I work from home, am excited to have a chance to run in daylight! The little things in life. AND...the hours of daylight are getting noticeably longer.
Today - 1200 cals, toning, and a good nights' sleep are in order.
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mjremix
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Posted: 21 January 2010 09:55 pm |
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Mol, I have a general goal of working my way back up to jogging 20-30 minutes most days of the week by the time it is nice enough to jog outside. That is usually March or April here in NY so I have some time to accomplish that goal! I am looking forward to cranking my tunes and smelling fresh air, and changing my route up. The treadmill route is pretty darned boring 
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 21 January 2010 11:08 pm |
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Fire It Up!
Lets see. Today is a another day which threatened to go out of control on the eating.
IBrekkie 1 egg+1white, 1 bacon, whole grain english muffin.
Then by 10:30 I was back in the cafeteria wanting a scone! Good thing they didn't have them, I had a banana instead. 
Lunch was this southwestern salad thingie - lettuce, black beans, tomato, shredded cheese, corn, tortilla strips, grilled chicken, and dressing. You got to put on your own dressing so it wasn't drenched or anything. Estimate 450.
Then a mini dark chocolate bar. And a fun size M&M's. The chocolate crept in. But a small quantity at least.
So it could be wayyy worse...I am at 938 in, so I have to behave at dinner.
I did forget that I have dinner plans tonight with the head of our Canada office. Am going to do my full toning though first though. Putting myself of the egg timer here - 6:20 is my deadline to get out there and fire it up!
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 21 January 2010 11:20 pm |
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| Cr@p. It's 620. OK...off I go...
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 22 January 2010 08:35 am |
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Tunnel
Well, to show how quickly I've lost conditioning, the workout that should take about 46 minutes took me 1:15, cause I had to pause between each segment. I was happy though that I did it all - virtually all cause I didn't quite do the end of the abs. And it was time to get dressed.
We had a lovely dinner at the Persian place but I ate everything on my plate - beef kiboudeh(sp) with 2 cups of dill rice, a large pita, and a bit of cheese. Stopping there would have been brillaint. However I was in the mood after to have Starbucks to settle everything and enjoy a bit more of a night out, and there, I really blew it. I had a chocolate chunk cookie that was staring me in the face. Ate the whole thing.
So yeah I dont know...600 maybe for the dinner, another 300 for the cookie - too tired to go look them up right now - perhaps 1850IN and 1650NET on the day. Roughly.
I went to my and Jason's park after Starbucks closed. He's on my mind daily although we don't communicate directly all that often. Sat in my car just thinking and listening to music, then eventually got out and walked a bit. When I go there, the associations are so strong it is like his ghost is there with me. I sent him an email after I got home, wondering...I believe he started classes this week so that, in addition to his volunteer teaching, and some things going on with his band, I think leave little time for much else.
I'm at the point in January every year which I can't help being a bit disturbed and melancholy; my mom's birthday and the anniversary of her untimely death, which took place the day before her birthday. It's been 8 years now. I know my life would be different if she were still around, and I wouldn't be the person that I am now, so strangely from that viewpoint I can't say that I have regrets. But #%@&!...I miss her...and as I grow up and mature and see things from the age of 40, I often think of what life was like for her when SHE was 40, I would have been 15, in high school, just about a year before she and I went to battle, then went to war, over the person I was becoming. The people I went to high school with or worked at the amusement park with - some of them have kids now the age that I was then- indeed, some with kids graduating high school this year. Getting older, you get that perspective on the cycle of life. I don't have to be a mom myself to see it now, it is a wondrous knowlege to have, and yet bittersweet.
Why does it take virtually a lifetime to figure out life? And once you start understanding what its all about, you're past your prime to really live life and enjoy it?
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 22 January 2010 09:02 am |
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The High Road
To my music-loving friends, check this out...
Broken Bells - The High Road http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mkr19RSG6k
Apparently this is the lead singer from Danger Mouse and The Shins (Zen).
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mollymoo24
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| Posts: | 6302 |
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Posted: 22 January 2010 06:57 pm |
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The Colour of the Sky
There's a lot adding up to a melancholy day today but its really all right. SF followed her intuition and sent a nice email remembering that its that certain time of January when I get sad about my mom. That was sweet. My mom is only part of what is feeding it; the grey weather, Jason being distant, life (and work) draining my personal and creative energies, and apparently coming down with the flu are part of it too. But as I said in my response to her, strange as it may seem, I enjoy having these moods once in a while. It makes me feel more human and in touch with myself, than everyday life where you are so busy "doing" that you aren't busy "living".
I really want and need to have an inward focused day...complete with journaling rest, and few drinks, and some music. I am supposed to go out to #2 later, its been quite a while, but I seriously don't know if I am going to make it.
The sky is grey and so am I.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 22 January 2010 07:59 pm |
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Well I am simply just churning unproductively. I don't seem to be on a track to get in the daylight run...in fact, I cannot be bothered to get off the couch to go to the bathroom. I am required to turn in performance reviews today for my staff and its not really good that my head isn't in the game, so I've put it all to the side in hopes that I'll get a nap or a cry or rest or something will kick in where I feel a bit better.
Jason is the worst of it, actually. A one-word text from him and no email response as yet. Regardless of what is going on his head, I am a flesh-and-bone human being and a highly rational-emotional one at that...and right now the rational and the emotional are both colliding...and the voice in my head is once again going 'you need to end it'; 'you deserve better'; 'you waste you emotional energy on the wrong people'.
I seem to be quite drowsy, perhaps a nap will ensue. It was a another sleep intermission night last night. 12-3, 5-8.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 22 January 2010 09:11 pm |
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"If death is the absence of feeling, I am overflowing with an abundance of life." -MKQ
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mjremix
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Posted: 22 January 2010 09:32 pm |
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| That voice in your head deserves to be heard. It may have an important message for you! As you work through this time around the anniversary of your mother's death, I hope you can find peace with the relationship you had with her, and the people you each were/are, independent of one another.
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 23 January 2010 04:13 am |
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Silent Night. Holy Night.
Well, a few things. Either I have the flu or something, as I have been severely under the weather today along with being in a funk. I suddenly got labored breathing at 10:20AM, and a minute later was vomiting in the kitchen sink and extremely hot and hanging on for dear life. I remember it well because I watching the clock on the stove, drenching my hands and face and neck in cold water to try to recover to be on my 10:30 conference call, which I made with no time to spare.
So I couldn't get off the couch all day and felt extremely ill, all the while knowing I had to get these performance reviews over to my boss before the end of the day. I made it through a couple of other calls, then around 4 sent him in email explaining that I'd been sick all day but I'd get them done. But I just couldn't do them. Finally around 5 I made myself get dressed and go out to try to get some energy and burn off my reckless calorie intake, but I couldn't run, at least I did walk...I was tempted to jump on the el and go down and wander over by Jason's and our park...but I didn't, primarily because I wasn't sure I'd turned off the coffee pot and I didn't want to leave it for hours. Ended up stopping in my Starbucks for an uncharacteristic but fitting Earl Grey tea...then walked home. Ate dinner (quite a bit). Took a bath. Finally couldn't put off the reviews any more and started them around 8, finished up about 25 minutes ago.
So here I am. I figured if I was up to going out tonight I was going to #2, but strangely for the first time I haven't heard from PAG. I would bet my last dollar he is there, and likely caught up in the artwork, bumper stickers, t-shirts and the like he is working on with the new manager. Still, I am a bit surprised I haven't heard from him, and expect at some point I'll get a text from him asking where I am at. Of course I long to hear from Jason but silence there too...and haven't even heard from Pitch this week, in spite of sending him a link to the Broken Bells song above, which I think he would really like. Nothing from Chris or the other club folks. I am just forgotten little Mol tonight.
Which - really - is just perfect. I am finally to a point where I can just sit for a spell, and think about whatever I want, and it is calm and quiet in the house. There's a good cry inside of me which was trying to come out last night and today, but at least for the moment it has retreated and I am left with only a minor heartache and a tired rest of me.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 January 2010 12:08 pm |
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Hey Mol,
As a matter of fact, I really liked broken bells link that you posted. It reminds me vaguely of another song, that I like, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I wonder what made you sick before the meeting? Sounds like food poisoning or something.
Hope you enjoyed your silent night - you deserve it!
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