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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 8 May 2009 10:15 pm |
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Phew, sounds like you guys got some things on the table! It's a tough situation to be in, but I would step out of the middle and let them deal with each other! It's tough that your husband has a different style of dealing with things than your family, but if they can meet each other somewhere in the middle, maybe they can work things out!
The house sounds awesome. We have been doing a ton of work around our house the last few weeks and I love to see it all come together... I love the happy feeling of pulling into the driveway and happily seeing the results of the hard work.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 May 2009 11:14 pm |
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thanks mj! i think at this point it has to be one day at a time and lets see how it goes when they bring her back. if they bring her back as he said they would, then go from there i guess.
the situation with gramma has no resolve unless d gives in and lets us all come together. he would have to allow her to come here, because he will not go to her house again as far as he sais. It doesnt concern him in any way that she isnt around, he has a gramma and he isnt saying i cant see her, just not with him. but is my seeing her without him making a big statement in itself? how do i explain his absense? she would have even more doubts in him if i went solo. i am just in this position, and of course my parents tell me not d to let it lie and talk to her...they say it to me, not to him. they know better than to say it to him, he will rebutt and have no remorse.
oh well, so far today i am not eating a whole lot, i cant find anything to let myself relax. trying to watch a movie...which we have loads of...i am finally caught up on my recorded shows...so i end up with a timeless classic...TWISTER. Only its on vhs, so with our surround sound its nothing.....i want to hear this movie on dvd! Gonna have to look into that if we go to walmart.
So for sunday, he would like to take me, us to breakfast at our little family restaurant in town, they have delicious chicken fried steak breakfast and sourdough toast. :) yummy treat that i never allow anymore. Then to home depot then home to play in the yard, and then he will cook dinner, which will be artichokes with filet mignon and fruit. Dad brought me two slices of cheesecake so i will save that for then. :)
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 May 2009 09:30 pm |
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ahhh so i made it thru the holiday weekend with only one injury and only one dissagreement. My folks showed up at 630 on saturday nite, even though he told d that he would have mj home in the afternoon way before dinner and we also learned thru mj that she was with gramma all friday nite. so, two more strikes for d in his book in regards to their respecting my wishes...and visits have ceased.
its been a wierd week because i have been down and out with a hand injury and somewhat limited in my productivity, so no wall work and no painting..besides we have no paint anyway. we are in limbo there, next check maybe. it looks great though!
still at 166, just finished the 3mile waistline workout, got a good workout in...felt good but i am kinda winded...wierd how working out in the yard is different from a workout with a video...i like the variety and cant wait to get abck outside! our next project will be the front existing deck, d started to tear it out last nite while i watered. Alot of the support decking is rotted either via termites or water damage from the yard...but we think its termites, so we dont know yet where we stand in regards to recylclable pieces, but its fun to consider the options...although its a big deck, so if we dont use it all, we will have to plant more grass seeds or get pavers....either way an investment......
horses and dogs are good, we are planning a trip in july to the carlsbad caverns, and will go thru roswell on the way, that is the alien capital of new mexico..lol.....maybe we will adopt an alien for our yard..i was telling d that i wanted a silver space ship to set in our big field at an angle as if it crashed....but he wasnt into it..he isnt too into aliens and ufos...but he likes the XFiles....hmmmmm.....anyway, i am excited for that trip! i cant wait! just to get out of town for a bit, and mj will stay here with sister in law and her son, and their dog plus our 3 and the horses......sis is gonna have her hands full!
:)
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 15 May 2009 12:16 am |
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| So awesome that you and hubby are going to get a trip alone! Sorry to hear about your hand, hope it gets better soon. It's awesome that your weight is down a few lbs. Keep at it and it will continue to fall!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 August 2009 06:20 pm |
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wow its been a loong time since i had time to journal on here...crazy how time flies! its already the end of august! lol
its been a busy summer, all is goin well for me i suppose. Last nite I had a bit of trouble sleeping, for some reason i started to think about events, meeting with clients, getting all their ideas onto paper, walking them thru the spaces to see what works for them, decorating the tables the day of event etc....i got really hartsick for it. Funny how that works for me. I realize how much time i would have to give to do that again, esp the driving to a place where you actually have the need for it. Here where we live, there isnt much of that, most folks here i imagine just have backyard casual events, we only have one hotel here for gosh sakes! and its like a roadside motel, not even a big one like Hilton or Holiday inn.....so that is not really something i can look at now. Or maybe even ever. Maybe one day i could be a consultant, but with my baby girl, i do have plans to be an at home hands on mom...so that is my priority for the next few years. I just miss having that outlet somewhere in my life, people counting on my experience, etc.
I passed up an opportuntity to watch my neighbors infant, for many reasons...but mostly the drama of their family and the fact of no pay, and i would lose time with my daughter, the last year before she goes to kindergarten....but i feel like i was selfish in the choice. In the end, i know i made the right choice, but i wonder if she looks at my life and sais, what the heck is she doing that she couldnt take this on?? My hubby assures me, she isnt feeling that way, we just live two very DIFFERENT lives that is all.... I tell myself I am a snob for not helping, and its true. I have enough of my own inner drama, i dont need her families too! LOL
We have done a lot of work on the house, we painted the exterior, only have one small section left, ran out of paint and money! but we are still landscaping, we have moved walls, taken down walls, put up new fences, always recylcling the items from the property. We have invested little financially which is good. I am happy to be so :green: in using and recycling cinder blocks, fences, etc...I am really happy with our progress as the season is coming to an end and we are facing another winter.
I am currently at 159-160, and holding there. I fluctuate and have hit 158 but only for like a day! I dont know when i will get there again, I cant seem to give up the sweets and i am still an emotional eater but i am managing it the best i can. Workouts are strong, i am stronger, i have done soo much outside that i havent even used my bowflex for weeks, maybe months consistently..but again, season change brings me indoors....
Family relations are good for now, MJ is with my folks the last few days after not seeing them since mothers day. We stepped away and now we seem to be on a page that works for all of us....for now...Every day is unknown you know? But I am happy for my time, and happy that she is with them, as she adores them and they really miss her. My gramma is still up in the air, in regards to our seeing her any time soon. D is still holding out that we dont really need to be a part of her life, and well i go along with it, since he is right. I was available all the time i lived with my folks, so now that i can be away from her constant negativity i am a better person. She is sick though, she is old, she is forgetful, etc and those arent excuses i know...but she doesnt have to be in that state of mind, she can choose to be happy. Mom sais she is getting sicker, potasiums up, body is achey all the time, unable to walk for too long, etc...but again, i am sorry for that, i know she is older and sick, but again, she can choose to not be down about the reality, she doesnt have to rain that on all of us. It makes me sad, but i know she can choose to be up anyway, knowing that God is waiting for her when she is ready and that she isnt alone at all.....i just wrote her a long letter a few weeks ago, and sent a card......who knows if i will hear from her?.....D's gramma is so positive, and she has to take insulin, she has trouble walking some days, but she is a happy positive person and its sad that my gramma isnt. I would rather be a part of her life, but i dont want to feel badly doing so.
We are doing well otherwise, we just celebrated our first year anniversary, we are broke, his hours are unstable, we are still playing catch up, but we are happy most days. Life is hard when you have little money to enjoy it...but we manage. We are hopeful things will improve. Thankfully he has a good job, and growth potential but the corporate offices are really taking their time implementing change for him and his future there. Patience is required but his patience has finally worn thin. His boss just proposed he come in on off days to try out sales, because commissions are wonderful for an RV...so he will be going in this sunday to see how it goes....pray for his awesome skills, experience, knowledge to land a good sale! :) that would be grand!!!!
not sure what plans for the weekend are, just relaxing after a long summer with family here, so i get the house to myself during the day, but to relax...hmmmmm well, after i water, feed the horses, scoop the poo, clean the house, maybe then i can relax! :)
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 August 2009 03:30 pm |
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had a nice weekend, hung out with hubby on monday, since he worked on sunday. both mornings we got up early and while he "farmed our land on facebook" i read to him aloud a book that sister in law lent to me. Its called the shack, and it was awesome. He got sucked right in, and i enjoyed reading it aloud much better than reading in my head silently. I cant wait for the next one from her to get started! :)
we worked on the convertible, she is finally getting back to look like herself, he is almost done with the worst area of damage! I put her insides back together and cleaned her all up.....i feel better seeing her come back to herself again. I love my car! So, of course i cleaned up my other one as well, so that none feel left out.
I talked with my mom yesterday, and mj will be with them thru this weekend. Friday nite we have the Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick concert and though we wont have any money to buy goodies we are looking forward to it. I am hopeful that our money situation will improve here with him goin in on sundays to try out sales. He had 6 customers on Sunday and he was hopeful that at least 2 would return. Pray for him. :) We need it so very badly. I have to remind myself we are living without credit this year, since January, so overall to do that is very hard! We arent sunk yet, although we get threatening waves of bills to wash us over alot! I wont give up! I keep working hard here and he keeps working hard there, it has to come around. :)
So back to mom, my gramma is not doing well. She is goin in the same direction my grampa went over two years ago, her potassium levels are high, she is barely able to get up and move around alone now, and when she has something happen she panics and calls my parents who them jump thru hoops. The problem is her nurse who comes to take blood feels that she is doing fine! Well, the thing is there is that my gramma puts on the show when anyone but my parents are around. With them, its the helpless lonely gramma and with the others its im fine, look at how well i can do this or that etc...Its very hard for me to hear this, because my mom is very stressed. As is my dad. Ideally my gramma wants someone, one of her family to come and live with her...which none of us are willing or mostly capable of doing. For my mom to do so, would mean quitting her job (she is the main money maker now, dad is retired and on social security and he is mainly the one who caters to my gramma....but they have a house, mortgage etc and two dogs who dont do well in my grammas house......the reasons are too many and its not an option, so therefor my gramma is alone in this large home, barely living if you ask me. She is very stubburn. I know this is the generation, but i also know she doesnt have to make it this way. She could concede to sellin her house and moving to a smaller somewhat assisted living place with people all around and activities nurses etc....she would be so much better off.
Regardless that wont be happening unless someone or something happens that keeps her from having it be any other way. We just try to get by, and keep her comfortable. Its bad though, she shouldnt be alone. I cant help, nor would i at this point, it pains me too much, and i am too far away and wont take mj with me for that. I understand that its her great grama, but in a home of sickness i dont want my baby girl. I did concede yesterday to my mom that they could take her for brief visits when she has to be at work at noon, and they just go take her lunch or something, so they can see each other...but my worries are so great in that my dad would go work on something around the house, mom would walk away to clean or do something and leave mj with my gramma who is unable to get around well, and mj would get into something, gramma woudl try to stop it and fall or hurt herself or worse say that mj broke something etc.....being a mom and worrying about something that i cant contro.. I of course want to make my gramma smile for a bit, and mj would do that, as long as its brief and not for the entire day. I just gave it to god and asked him to help my parents watch mj if they take her there for a spell. Its all i can do. :)
I am just happy that they are having a good time with mj. I am now looking at it, as our kid has gone to stay with the grandparents for a visit.... like a vacation. It makes it easier for me! :)
Other than that, dad and i are doing well. The money wont bring us down, maybe just temperarily...but not in the long run. Its just money. I am struggling a little bit with my eating tendencies but i am trying to just maintain and see how i feel. I would like to lose more, but apparently i am struggling with that, so i am doing my best to at least sit at this wt for a while.....as long as i dont go back up. Its hard still to manage and watch each day, and i still cant let the daily weigh ins go away....even when i know i overate! I still step on the scale! Its addiciting!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 September 2009 05:12 pm |
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its a new week and thank god i am back to 159! after the def leppard poison concert friday i sort of downspiraled and gained again. its so hard to manage each day and eat healthy. i give up being perfect, i just want to be healthy and shapely and toned.
last nite i made a mint/spumoni shake with 0% milk, had to get that ice cream out of this house..it was old and tempting me...so i made this shake, enough for two pint glasses and ended up drinking only half of a pint glass. I tossed the rest out. Little steps. It wasnt that i forced myself to toss it, i just didnt want it like i thought i did. My mind plays those tricks on me often, and then i have the item i dreamt about but it disappointed me somehow, let me down and i didnt enjoy it afterall. Wierd steps in this process I am going thru.
But big steps none the less. Especially for me.
things i still cant resist are still there, but i am not around them, so its getting easier. I cant recall the last time i had a slice of pizza and almost died because it was soo yummy. My tastes are changing. Now, its more like a good steak and a baked potato are my indulgence, with a good french crusty bread and some artichoke with melted butter...those are the things i long for. Not pizza. Pizza is like a passing fancy that i cant reach anymore, granted if i were in the big city again, that may not be the case...but i am here, so this is now what i long for. I end up eating the cravings and end up disappointed that they didnt taste like i recall, and like they let me down and i stop cold in my tracks and decide that i cant go back. It is a neat revelation for me, i must admit. I usually just eat to eat and feel better, and now, i need to really enjoy it to do so.....which means i cook it, instead of go to eat it. WIERD!
finances are tough, we will survive but its tough. D had a splitter of a headache from it yesterday, kinda like the ones i get! It was nice to be he healthy one for once, caring for him! I never get that luxury! Thankfully he is better today! :) Good Job Nurse Diesel! :)
Today I am being a bumm. MJ is at mom an dads still, its ok with me, she is having a good time, sleeping well, seeing my gramma whos not in her best right now with her health, which in turn makes my gramma feel better, if only for that moment, so i am not sure when she is coming home. Eventually! I tell myself to take advantage of this down time and sleep in etc...but yet, i dont do it! FUNNY HOW I CHANGE!
little things...the things i used to cherish arent so important now, sure i miss sleeping in, but when it comes down to it, i just dont do it! i am growing! :)
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 September 2009 02:51 pm |
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i am down to 157! i am thrilled although my new low was 156, i am soo close i can taste it! :)
had a breakdown yesterday, walking the dogs and mj. we were chased by some loose puppies and i just got fed up, i was yelling etc and noone was coming out to get them as they walked about 6 houses away from their own house...on a busy road...argh..you know, i feel for the dogs that have no love, and no home to really speak of...and well, with all the rundown living here i guess i just broke. i started to downspiral about mj and her school, our neighbor talks so bad about the high school here and her daughter is in such trouble, even had a gang fight in front of her house a couple of weeks ago, in which daughter and mom were both involved...its too much! I am so open to free spirits and being your own person and not having issues with others, but man, it started to eat at my brain. So, I got home finally, disgusted by the trash i see when we go on our "nature" walks in the mesa and got on the phone to speak to the schools so i can get a better idea of what will happen when mj starts kindergarten in the fall. Thankfully they have reverted back to keeping the kids in elementary here till 6th grade, she will now go to a nice newer school here close to our house, and in april i will register her then may i will be able to sit in on the 2 KG teachers classes and decide which i prefer to have her be with. I felt soo much better. Orig, i was goin to have to do an inner school transfer and drive her about 15 miles ea way to the only school in our area that had K-5th grade in the same school. the rest, incl the one she will go too, were on this K-4th grade with the 5th goin into middle school with all the big kids...which to me is insane! They arent or shouldnt be ready to engage with the older kids yet! So, having learned this, i can now enjoy allowing her to take a bus, that will prob pick up about a block from our house, or drive her in 10 min time, then i can even be a parent volunteer at the school. RELIEF! WHEW! THANK YOU JESUS! My whole plan is to be involved in her school since I am able to stay home with her while D goes to work. I feel soo much better...but i still lost it yesterday. D and I had words, I let it all out and then i moved our entire living area around, which is the living room, dining room, den and music room....its one big open space...so that was good for me, cleansing and calming. When in a tiff, just move heavy furnature it makes you feel better always! Change is always good. So, in the end, I dont have to worry for 6 years what will be her future..she will be safe at this school close to home. By then, who knows where we will be? D may put in a transfer and we go to CA! :) Or anywhere else! :) 6 years is a long time! :)
my gramms went to the hospital yesterday, thankfully she will get better hopefully! She has a good dr that she respects (which is saying alot!) and my folks took her in. Pray for her recovery,, at least to what she was before she began to have such severe pains. Her dr stated she most likely suffered a minor heart attack in the last 3 weeks....which we pretty much knew, based on her behavior. At least now she is in the hospital. She is safer there.
on to the day! gotta run to walmart and get a few things...not much, just a break from house and pick up a few small items... :)
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 September 2009 07:00 pm |
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this weekend i blew it. whenever i get a headache i just lose it and overeat big time. i really dont get the bad bad headaches as much as i did before i changed over to yaz, but man this one kicked my butt............right into the kitchen! LOL...bad i know. i was doing really good, maintaining this new low of 157 and happy as heck, and then i got a headache friday and saturday and just ate like a littlecow in the field, grazed all day, till my tummy hurt.
yesterday i was better, thank god....D and i took out the gas tank on the suburban and replaced the fuel pump, so i was under there helping when i could, getting dirty breaking my nails, you know the whole shabang....then i cleaned the garage because its getting cluttered from the goodies he brings home from work..lol.....so now the garage is clean and the sub is running strong...YAY!
this week is a new week for me. i have learned that i simply cant control some foods i adore....like the mint milano cookies! i saw them on sale, friday at the store, and i splurged, said i could handle having the serving size, i am doing well...etc.etc...the things we tell ourselves right? so, well, i got 2 bags, and with my headache on sat. i ate the WHOLE BAG! yep, and felt like #%@&! after, my tummy really hurt...so then, i popped a few too many colon cleaner vitamins and tried to cleanse myself...this never works fast....so, here we are sunday nite and my tummy decides to explode! :-{
the things we do to ourselves to hurt or improve...isnt it too much???? lesson learned. i opened the 2nd bag of cookies last nite.....figured i blew the weekend, why not just go out with a bang? so i ate 3 and made myself stop. It was yummy torture...isnt that crazy? then i did it in the kitchen too, not even sitting on the couch watching the movie, wiht my hubby eating slowly...but in the kitchen in the dark, watching tv from a distance....sad sad things i do to myself.
obviously i have a loong way to go to being healthy in the head about food, about not hurting myself when i already dont feel well, eating way more than i should etc. Its not easy to try to be healthy. God, why wasnt i given the natural thin genes?
so ok now i am eating something for the first time today..i am having my salad and bleu cheese dressing. Only instead of actually pouring the dressing onto my salad, i am eating it inside out...i am taking bites of salad and dipping it into the dressing, eating a lot less dressing i tell myself. Its maybe 2 tablspoons of dressing but i dont think i will eat it all this way. :)
i love salad, i just hate making them. i wish i had the yummy dressing that the restaurants have, i would eat more salad for sure! its hard to have those items around when i am the only one who eats them really....esp lately i havent had any greens around, just veggies. i go thru phases.
family life has been crazy, last week after mj came back from my folks house, she and dad were really not getting along. Too many ideas in my head to think of why it goes this way when she comes home, but it just is what it is. I have to find a way to make it work, because i know how much it means to my folks, my gramma who is now staying with them, and to her. To me and dad, well, we enjoy our break too, but i really am glad that i am back together with my parents, its too hard not to be a part of their world. I lveo them. I need them, like they need me, mj and D. Sharing a kid isnt easy! My folks really enjoy having her there with them.
i wish i had more willpower.... more inner strength to overcome the challenges that i face in my head.....
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BJD74
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Posted: 24 October 2009 05:51 pm |
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im irked today and i dont know why. is it me? is it mj? is it my folks who are up to their ears in my gramma health concerns and my dad dumps it on me the other day? is it d? i dont know what is going on but i am in a #%@&! mood this week. i have been trying to get under the 159 mark and the more i try the worse i do. i take too much internally and get upset over too many things that really arent a big deal, but i dont know how to stop.
we are so tightly budgeted right now, the winter season is upon us, we have to get propane, we need firewood, we need a tire for my car but its like, there just isnt enough to go around and still provide for the house. next weekend we have yet another invitation from my brother and his family to go over 50 miles to a 2yr birthday party. I have no cash to get something for them, let alone make d go thru it for hours on his precious day off? does he think he is the only one giving up a day off???
im just in a bad place in my head right now. struggling with my awareness of my skankiness towards those around me. am i depressed? am i bipolar? am i just obsessed with something i cant put a finger on? i dont know what is bothering me.
i would like to go to the party, but at what cost? i enjoyed seeing the family two weeks ago for our gathering. its been soo long, i really missed everyone. but i know not what D is thinking. i know how much he has endured in his past lives......so what is fair for us? do i have to set aside any time with my family with us in order for him to be happy? do we have to pay for the past he wasnt happy in? why does he drag his feet so much? what can i do to change it? he actually asked if i could just pass his birthday by because no one has come or said anything to him for the last two years.....first off, we havent done anything per his wishes, we have had his friends come down to play music....and honestly that is not everyones ball of wax. esp a couple with high animal allergies and an infant. I dont have any anger anymore about how come the family isnt coming here, we live far away and they have their reasons...so what can i do? take it personally and hold a grudge? whats the point? who is that helping??? noone.
im just in a funky place, i dont know how to speak up and get him to hear me without being angry. oh well, i guess i will think about other things....it will pass.
weight is 158 today. darn it. cant seem to break this number between 160-157.....ugh.
is 150 that hard to reach????
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Nancy_in_GA
Moderator
| Joined: | 8 January 2009 |
| Location: | NE, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 1785 |
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Posted: 24 October 2009 08:06 pm |
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So this party is for a 2 year old child?
I guess I'm going to sound like a bah humbug sort of person, but I vote for skipping the birthday party. If you want to visit your brother, and they only live 50 miles away, why not take MJ and drive over there while your husband is at work and visit? I would tell them that your husband is exhausted on the weekend and needs to rest because he's also been doing stuff around the house. If I felt obligated to send a present (which I wouldn't) then I would make something.
I think making a decision what to do will help you feel not so stressed out.
Just what I'd do, but then I'm not too much into either birthdays or relatives.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 October 2009 09:24 pm |
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hee hee nance, thanks for checkin in and giving me your insight. you are correct, its for a 2yr old and like you D isnt into the family thing either...not mine in particular but just anything social with anyone. He moved here to be a hermit, he has been in those circles all his life and wanted to get away by moving out to NM where noone would come see him. LOL...ironic that he met me just starting to live my adult life with my child!
either way, MJ will be going, which Leslie said was ideal.....in her message she said how MJ would really enjoy herself...there will be a lot of kids i imagine, between her and her sister and friends etc.
in regards to the idea of going without him, i think that i prefer not to do that so much because all of my adult life i was alone...i may have had a boyfriend or something but they never wanted to be a part of my life...so i think i am trying to make it happen with D because he is my husband, they want to know who he is etc...and i dont want to have to do it alone. On top of that, I never have the time to go see them, if I did it would be on a day D is off because of the schedules anyway. Its not that worth it to me, but I am starting to think about Christmas and Thanksgiving, they will expect us to be a part of it and what will he say then? he wont be thrilled, esp if they opt once again to do it at my grammas upon her stubburn insistance to be there for my grampa who has been gone almost 3 years now. I enjoy watching MJ with everyone, but I want him there too.
It isnt a fun place to be. I was always available to all of them when i lived wiht my folks and now that i have my own life etc...noone comes to see me or us. Why not? whats wrong with my place? dont they want to see that I have really done ok??? MJ was upset when dad came thursday to paint because he wasnt here to play, i told her she has to ask him to come down just to spend time with her, she doesnt understand that and my dad wont do it...so why did i even get myself caught up in the idea anyway? its wishful thinking. They are missing this time with my baby girl, their precious mj to cater to my gramma who is taking the same path my grampa took back before he passed, and the ungrateful hatefullness she exudes makes everyone feel bad but they keep goin back for more. Meanwhile, mj doesnt understand how come they cant see her, why she cant go to the doctor with them etcetcetc....i wish they could give her time without it always being about my gramma.
That sounds selfish, I dont mean it too. I love her. I just wish she could embrace aging better and not be so selfish about their time. She could utilize the public service taxis or vans for seniors, she could use the home delivery pharmacy options, she has choices to make her life easier...but they continue to use all spare time to be there at her beckon call and for not even a thanks.
i can go on, but its useless. its nothing i can change, i just cant make mj understand and i cant get d interested and i have to find some middle ground. I just wanted so much to have a partner who wanted to be there with me....(but then, as i read this, i ask myself, why would anyone want to be a part of that crazy drama???)
lol...anyway...i have done 3 12min miles today, and i have eaten 3 slices of sourdough bread with sheds spread on it....along with clam chowder. I started off good but quickly hit 1200 calories before noon...ugh. i was going to take a nap when i laid mj down but i got my tush off the couch and pushed thru 3 miles. Had she not woken up just now, i would have pushed thru the last 2....
Maybe i shall do it now?? if i can get an uninterrupted 25 min without mj asking for something to eat! (WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO EAT???)
hugs and thanks again nance....its great to be able to share my feelings and worries...
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 07:06 pm |
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we went to the sunday birthday luncheon. it was a pleasant suprise that things went ok again, and even more so that everyone decided that we should have Thanksgiving at our home this year! I was so excited that D suggested it, but of course it keeps him from having to go anywhere! LOL.....always an underlying reason...
i have made some changes to the way i am trying to lose weight.
1. Put the scale away, only weighing in on Fridays since last week. My next weigh in will be this coming friday.
2. keeping a food diary online with Livestrong.com that tracks my calories, my workouts, and charts all the foods i eat.
3. making any and all attempts to stop eating after dinner. its been challenging but i want to eat and i dont know how to overcome it.
I know that D is able to eat as much as he wants and he is aware that i am trying not too....but i cant put blame on him because he eats. If i could eat like him and never gain any weight, then i would! lol...but honestly its not possible for me to do that.
I am nervous to weigh in friday. my calories have been up arounfd 2000-2400 and i am working off enough to bring it down to 1500-1900 depending how much i do. I am fooling myself that i am doing ok this way. I pray i dont weigh in at 165 on friday! lol...
MJ is at my folks thru tomorrow. She will bring halloween candy home, i am sure. Not looking forward to it because it is so hard to resist. Its like the more i say i cant have it, the worse i want it.
I am sleepy. I want to go to bed, but its silly to feel that way. I have been off since we turned back the clock on sunday. I am waking up early, wanting to get back to bed and i am tired at 9! I am no fun! I cant seem to keep my eyes open, and i get into bed and just crash, my body just relaxes and i want not to move anymore...but then, i wake up in sweats and moisture on my forehead....I cant get comfortable either. Its weird.
why does motivation waver so much? how come one day i am on fire, then the next i have no gusto to get up? i am taking multi' vitamins, i just got myself some cinnamon, green tea with hoodia and vitamin b multi.......that should help me feel better. I am drinking enough water, like 12 glasses a day!
over the weekend i hiked a hill by the house, its a mile to the top and very exhurting. I love it! I did it two days in a row and now i dont have any desire to get my walking videos out to workout....i am so easily bored. I am expecting a new video today, hopefully! its got 4 different workouts from 1 mile to 4 miles....cant wait for that.
My heel is hurting a little today. Maybe the cold? maybe that i jogged in place yesterday for 30min without shoes....(although i always do that! our carpet is thick and squishy)...or possibly because i went on a hike uphill in flats, loafers if you will instead of my good support tennies. Spontaneous hike on sunday, havent been quite the same since.
Debating to run to walmart to get some dieters tea. It helps me stay regular. Sounds ickey in know..but hey, whatever helps keep the pipes clean! lol...
I used to drink it alot, but havent for some time. I had some yesterday and havent stopped goin to the bathroom, its getting all the junk out of me. A cleansing maybe?
Also havent worked out today. Its a lovely fall day, but i never get time to myself so i am being a bumm and relaxing. Its ok to just BE once in a while, isnt it?????
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MichelleP
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 25 March 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 685 |
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Posted: 15 November 2009 04:27 pm |
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BJ - I know you are feeling kind of stuck right now. I went back to the beginning of your journal here and girl, you have lost a good amount in the past year. You've come far in the past year. Think about how you felt at your high weight and think about how much better you feel now. I know it sucks when the weight doesn't want to get off the body, but keep it up and it will come off. You know what to eat and what not to eat and all that other diet stuff.
What kind of dieters tea are you getting from Walmart? I could use some better regularity myself? It seems the healthier I eat the less regular I am.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 November 2009 05:04 pm |
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hey michelle! :)
i got the Laci Le Beau Super Dieters Tea, you can get it at any grocery or pharmacy, its a burgundy or yellow box. I have been using it for the last 2 weeks and i am very regular now, which is something i have been challenged with lately. My body is not sure what its doing I think. I dont have any routine, hard as i try, and some days i notice due to the metformin i am taking that if i do a high carb meal i get an upset tummy almost immediately and need a bathroom. One of the setbacks to the meds. But its not all the time, and before i started to use the tea i would go a day maybe 3 even before a BM. Now, its daily, more than once a day! :) I know that is good for me, gets all the junk out.
i know i have my weakness's in regards to being a stress eater, or a binge eater and i try hard to avoid having it happen. Some days I do great and other days i just need sweets. Certainly I am waay better than i was a year ago, heck even 5 months ago, but i still have my bad days. I use the livestrong MY PLATE to track my calories and keep a diary of feelings, exercise etc and i can look at graphs of my intake for the day, then the calories burned and then see the net actuals for the day, which i must be either overestimating on.....although, you pick the activity, your weight, height, age etc are all calculated based on what you want to lose, it does it all for you...so really, i am not sure why its not working out? I keep telling myself i am burning 800 calories for a 5 mile 12 min per mile workout, based on the calorie burner on the livestrong and i take in 1900 for that day, take away the 800 ending up with 1000 or so which conceivably means i should lose if i am doing that say 4-5 days out of the week? THen, I have a day with 2300 total, burn off that 800 or so and up with 1500, i should still see a loss.
I dont know the science, I know I am now using Cinnamon, Green Tea with Hoodia and a Bvitamin complex as well, all designed to speed up metabolism and burn the fat more efficiently, but again, its been 2 weeks or 3 maybe since i started that regime and i swear the weight is going up? i know it doesnt always work, based on the chemicals etc in our bodies, everyone is different. But i do know that the cinnamon is supposed to help with sugar metabolising and that should be effective in helping with my PCOS, which is the sugar lack of break down process in my body, which is why i take metformin.
The problem with the PCOS and the PMDD is that I dont get regular periods, but i tracked my moods based on some websites i had found regarding PMDD and I found that 3/4 of the month i was a crazy woman, totaly out of control wiht my emotions, i had headaches like weekly, daily even that would last for a few days, i was mental, upset, on edge all the time.....and i took that to my dr and she agreed that i needed to give this a go, so she put me on the YAZ and the Wellbutrin. As a result though, my sex drive has decreased as she warned it may do.....and i get headaches less, but now i also have little or no bleeding with my TTOM, less than i ever had. I maybe see spotting and there is no regularity to that either, so i dont know how to gauge when i am up or down or more tempermental etc.......based around the cycle of the YAZ. Like, I am in the first 7 days right now, today was day 7, is this why i am having a higher weight? My body is such a mess hormonally i feel like, even though all the blood tests show i am right on target.
Peter, a regular on here, brought to my attention on the HC about how i used to tease him about my getting down under 180-70 and now here i am in the low 160 high 150's and how far i have come, but when i see mysefl in the mirror i like you, still see the flabby spots, the untoned spots, the wiggles and jiggles. I know I am firmer in the legs, the arms etc, i dont see alot of the extra that was there. Granted, I know I have changed my shape, I am in a size 10 (although i got a size 12 capris at the big lots the other day put them on at home and they are short waisted and snug. :( That wasnt exactly encouraging...but i realize they get defective items alot, so maybe that is why they are there in the first place, they are more like an 8! LMAO... :)
Its hard to cut the carbs, its hard to make a regime for myself because of our budgetting now, its really tight, D has made 20,ooo less this year due to economy and we have had to cut corners. I dont buy all the veggies i used too, I dont do alot of what i did in the beginning of this journey now. Instead we eat alot of the same items MOST days and I do my best to have smaller amounts. I do know that Pasta, Potatoes, Breads (short of the flour tortilla we have with our breakfast buritos) have practically vanished because D doesnt eat any of that having had to eat them when he was a kid, and when he didnt finish he had to eat it at next meal.....We eat a lot of steak, corn, cucumbers and onions, i have my sugar free oatmeals etc....i get what i can to accomodate my needs as much as i can. The sodas etc, are really not regular anymore, maybe one a week?
I really want to just watch calories without having to avoid foods i enjoy because i find that i will overeat that item if i avoid it. leading me to binge etc. I never purge, but the tea keeps me regular! lol....
I know that working out isnt enough. I know that the calories i am taking in is too much, but as a result of that i instead try not to eat at all. Like today, I have had coffee but nothing else. Not good.
I was considering dropping out of the HC, because i see others losing and i am getting sad and beating myself up instead of getting my arse in gear. Wallowing instead of being Proactive. Need to step back and look at what i am allowing myself to do and stop doing it.
I dont know. I am down that is for sure. I also have no idea what has happened to Once Upon, she has vanished. Maybe she is being kind to herself and taking a break too????? Although that doesnt sound like something she would do?! She isnt a quitter, and neither am I!!!! lol
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MichelleP
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 25 March 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 685 |
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Posted: 16 November 2009 02:21 pm |
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It really is harder to buy healthy foods when the budget is tight. Produce, lean meats, hearty grains etc... are not cheap. My husband has been out of work since July which has put a huge dent in our budget, groceries included. Before that I was buying better nutrient quality food for the entire family. It is really challenging on a tight budget.
I have never tracked the calories that I burn. I do keep track of the workouts I do, whether it was cardio or strength training and how many days. Some workouts are 20 minutes and some are 1.5 hours and more. I keep track of my calories, fats, proteins and carbs each day and calculate my weekly averages. I've been shooting for about 1600 calories but haven't managed to even get that high the past couple of weeks. My caloires were lower last week but I didn't exercise either so I figured the lower calories would offset the no exercise. Which apparently it did because I lost. But that could have just been excess water I was carrying from TTOM. Who knows? I swear different things work different weeks. It's definitely not an exact science now is it?
I hope you don't drop out of the challenge, I like having you around. I think you've lost during every challenge, right? Maybe not as much as you wanted? I only met my goals during the Spring challenge here. Each challenge after that I have fell short of my goals. I've fell short of them but I've still lost some and it helps keep me going. I like seeing my name move up in the colors on the challenge board too. I like how you average your weight out for the week when you do your weigh in. It does make sense that way.
No quitting here either. My goal is getting so much closer now. We have both been pretty big girls and have come a really long way. It really is fabulous. I think it feels harder sometimes because we are so much closer now. We want to be there right now but we still have some work to do. And it can seem agonizing at times. It's getting so close we can almost taste it ya know. GO BJ!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 November 2009 06:46 pm |
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hey michelle, sorry i hadnt responded but i didnt get a notice...argh....so, no way am i dropping out of the challenge! i dont want to give up!! I have been pretty good this week, my weights been all over the place, but well, i am spotting today and thursday i had a high calorie day and its put me back up again! i am going to try to do one high calorie day per week, in the event we eat out etc, or i just have to eat something i shouldnt....and then have the other 6 days to keep it under the 1800. I was 159.8 today. But i did get down to 157.8 this week the day before i had the high cal day, so wednesday.
i wish i were more like you in that my calories have moments that i dont get anywhere near the goals, and actually come out under them...lol.....it sure adds up easy!! i have been good about not snacking after dinner most nites this week, i had like a dessert or something but nothing aside from that. I am still drinking my tea and taking the vitamins too.
on other news, my grama went into the hospital yesterday. She may have phneumonia. Her heart is tired, she is on a ventilator and isnt coherent now. She has fluid on her lungs so they are dosing her with lasix to get it out, then hopefully they can pull the venitlator and see if she breathes on her own. its so hard to watch this because two years ago this was my grampa goin thru the same thing, and she is following in his steps quite perfectly, its quite sad because she is very stubburn and is resisting to get any help. hence, we are all going crazy trying to meet her needs without losing our minds.....lol.....
i am spotting today, go figure. its a #%@&! shoot. i never know what is up wiht my body. oh how i wish i had been born with normal hormones!!!! ;-p
i need to get off my butt and do something today, so far i have been playing on the facebook, cleaning up my farms and doin the things that clear my mind of any sadness and worry....mindless things. MJ is watching scoobie doo and its kinda cool today. I was debating to go scoop the poo, but with MJ here its kinda hard. She usually goes with me, but with the 3rd horse being new still, i dont trust either of them enough to let her go with me. Maybe at nap time I will get bundled up and get out there.
i am not prepared for the weekend, i dont want to eat too much and shoot back up!! with D home, its harder, although he keeps me busy with chores, cutting wood for our fireplace, etcetcetc.......i enjoy those things though because its a great workout for me! :)
heres to a good weekend! :) lord give me motivation!!!!!
oh yeah, i have decided to go back to daily weigh ins for my sanity. It seems to be helping me somewhat. i can look back at last saturday and know that i am down 2 pds, from that weight, even if its not the starting weight of the latest challenge...lol......i am still working to get back to that original weight! lol.....its gonna happen!!!
do you have big plans for the holiday? we are supposed to be hosting dinner here, but well, with gramma up in the air, i am not sure now...lol...we shall hope for the best!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 November 2009 06:51 pm |
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two days before thanksgiving and instead of happiness in my heart i feel dread. grama is going to make it afterall. we had a touch and go weekend wiht her heart but apparently its not quite ready to quit. but now, my folks will be fully in charge of managing her life, her care and the problem is she isnt willing to give up any of that. the house, the items in the house, the bills, the checkbook, the life etc....its all up in the air, no wills, no power of attorneys nothing at all, and to get her to do any of that would be a big uproar because she wont accept that she is very ill and the end could be near. i hate stubborn people. i love her, but the least she could do is be grateful that my folks are helping her. My two uncles have nothing to do with this situation and wont be a part of taking care of her because they are out of state, so the burden in totally on my mom and dad.
i know its not involving me directly, but for the fact that if she goes to stay wiht them indefinately then MJ will not be going up there very much. Partly because there is no room for her now, grama wil be in it, and also because dad will be tied up 3 days a week with dialysis visits and other things that come up along the way.
i did really well over the weekend with eating too much up until yesterday evening. i am having a hard time with chips, but i sent them away with D for lunch today, so now i dont have anymore to eat. well, i do but i wont go for them. i cant. i musnt. i cant allow this strain on my brain and my heart to weigh in on the scale. for some reason i have little motivation today, i would prefer to get back into bed but i cant. i have to scoop the horse poo but have to wait till MJ is napping because the 3rd horse is too new for me to let her go along with me, which she usually does. I feel overwhelmed. I have a sick puppy, he hasnt been eating, he has been throwing up for the last few days....even water. I dont know what to do. We cant afford to take him to the vet, so i just try to keep him hydrated and hope it will pass. The carpets are a mess, he even threw up on the couch! I have so much to do and i dont want to do any of it. I just want to give it to someone else for a few days. I get so upset to see D avoid the vomit all together, he just gets upset about it but i am the one who has to get my hands dirty. I do all of that though, sometimes i feel like cinderella in that i am always cleaning and he doesnt do much of that. I shouldnt complain because I am an at home mom, but somedays its nice to think he would pick up the poo, the vomit, clean a dish etc....
such is life though. i just get tired of doing it all the time. cooking all the time, cleaning all the time, washing clothes endlessly, cleaning the yards, taking care of the horses....its a joke to think in sept when MJ goes to kindergarten that i can go look for a small part time job because i have a full time job here. LOL....
i am just down, typical for me around the holidays, happy on the outside but sad as he.l.l. inside.
today i need to workout, i need to eat right, i need to cheer up because I cant be this way when D comes home.
thanksgiving is in two days, here at the house, so far brother, leslie, baby john and tony will be coming down together, mom and dad, who will have to leave early so that they can go see grama in the hospital, it can never be that we all get together without grama being in the center of it, with all of us worrying about her. I am so tired of it. Its #%@&! of me to say it, but the last 8 years has been nothing but strain and drain and drama over my gramparents. I know no freinds who have ever had it this way with their grandparents. Why me???
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MichelleP
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 25 March 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 685 |
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Posted: 28 November 2009 03:58 pm |
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BJ - sorry to hear of the trouble with your gma. I know it can be very hard. My gma now lives in assisted living. She fought it with everything she had, she did not want to go but it truly was necessary. I totally understood her fight though, as I would be fighting too. I would gladly take her in with me but unfortunately my house isn't set up for her needs and we don't have the cash to make the changes we'd need to make to take her in. It's hard to lose ones independence and have to rely on everyone else to do for you what you would have normally done for yourself. My gma has went from being a fabulous happy lady to a fairly miserable stubborn old mule. It sucks for everyone but I'm sure it sucks for her the most. Gotta love our grandmas!
I hope your puppy gets over whatever is making him sick soon.
As far as D not cleaning up..... not sure what I can say about that. Husbands are notorious for not doing their fair share. I too have been a stay at home mom forever and get po'd at the hubby because I don't get the breaks I feel I need at times. Since he's been out of work things have changed quite a bit. He's been cleaning more and doing most of the cooking. This is all great and I love it. Honestly I'd feel much better if he got his butt a job already. I like the help around the house but I like the income he made even better. So.............
It's obvious that your last post was written on a down day. Pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. A better day is ahead for you, I just know it.
Also I've done quite a bit of research about PMDD since you shared your story with me. I see myself in other women's PMDD stories. It's scary but at least it offers an explanation for my crazy monthly depression and rage. Since my hubby isn't working we have no health insurance so I really can't afford a dr. visit and meds right now. I did find some info about natural ways to help this condition such as taking Vitamin b6, magnesium, fatty acids and such. I am going to try those things and see if it helps. I talked to my husband and he believes that my crazy episodes started soon after I got my IUD in the spring. It's a copper IUD so there's no hormones. I did a little reserach on copper and found that there's a such thing as copper overload and it can cause similar symptoms to what I've been dealing with. Just not sure how that correlates with the monthly, if at all. All I know is that I cannot live with monthly crazy spells. I shared all the info I found out about PMDD and copper overload with my husband and he agrees that I'm probably dealing with these issues. So hopefully this helps him at least understand where all this #%@&! is coming from. I'd like to get the IUD out of me and have the hubby get a vasectomy, but again there's the issue of money and no medical insurance. Oh life is sometimes just so freaking grand isn't it? LOL! Thanks again for sharing your info on PMDD with me, it's been a great help.
I see your weight is down on the challenge. GREAT JOB BJ!!!!!!!
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 December 2009 05:10 pm |
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I know you wrote this in the weekend challenge but I am responding here becuase maybe you need to start writing here again to help you over this hump?
BJD74 wrote:
i will tell you now, not looking forward to the next few weeks. if i am already goin the wrong direction, whats goin to turn me around?
First of all, stop fretting, weight fluctuates and you know that. Second there is a school of thought that if you are trying to loose or maintain, you should not eat for at least 2-3 hours before you go to bed. I'm not sure about that but at the same time...could it hurt? Third maintenance is hard...very hard. I struggle like crazy when I am trying to maintain, it is easier to loose. Fourth...wah, wah, wah...yup some people can eat what they want and not gain...we are not those people, some people also have no legs...but we are not them either...my point...sometimes we are on the short end of the stick, sometimes the long end. There is a plan we just aren't privy to it.
Last...you will turn this around because you are strong, focused woman who has worked too hard to let it go...think of it this way...if you eat 20 cookies will your gram be any better? If you have a bag of chips will MJ suddenly stop spilling her soup? If you eat a huge bowl of spaghetti will Dave be the perfect husband. I think if any of your answers are yes...well then go for it but I pretty much doubt that is true. All it will do is add weight on top of you other life issues and you will be even more stressed because the problems are still there but now you gained weight. So that is why you will stick with doing what you need to do girl, you are way strong enough and you've come way to far to go back, time to get up and "fight like a girl".
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 December 2009 03:24 pm |
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hey michelle! i just now saw your post, sorry about that! well i am pleased that i have steered your concerns for your health into a direction that may help you! If I can help anyone else I want to spread the word! I believe we can all be healthy, but sometimes our bodies are beyond our own fixing. I dont enjoy having to take so many med's but i know i am better since taking them, and i am losing weight, sort of.
as of today, i am at 163. I could cry. I dont know how I lost control, I got the word from my doctor that i wasnt overweight or obese anymore two weeks ago and suddenly stopped trying i think? that and the constant grief from hubby about my not needing to do it anymore, try so hard that is, and being told to chill from my family because i was gonna disappear. WELL not disappearing people! Here i am fat again at 163. I told myself i would allow myself to relax some as long as i didnt go beyond the 160 mark. So, WTF?
I guess i havent got the control I thought i did. The weekends are sooo very hard for me, D wants my time and therefor i dont do my workouts, and i dont get the workouts and the heart pumping i need by carrying wood and doing outside chores. I have to get the workouts in, or all the food i eat just turns to fat. I am so disappointed in myself.
I think over the last few weeks, how i have definately ate worse than i did this weekend and how i havent been at this number since easter....so, what am i not doing? what have i started to eat i shouldnt? i know certainly i can cut out milk, full fat cheese etc...but i would either have to starve and still get that stuff for D and MJ or I find some strength in me to avoid it because we cant afford or have space for me to eat lower fat items. We got rid of our 2nd fridge that allowed me space for my "diet" things, I am trying so hard to get him the things he enjoys and just keep in veggies and fruit and my low sugar oatmeal. I shouldnt be having cereal anyway. I cant afford frozen meals, to get the lower calorie started again. I have to eat what we have here, and its hard for me to not eat too much. I do need help. I am fighting this challenge on my own.
I go thru the phases with the late nite eating, some nites i dont even think about food, other nites, while D is eating his 5th snack, i lose willpower. Now, do i walk away, go to bed and piss him off, do i ask him not to eat when i hear his tummy growl? becuase i made chicken that nite for dinner and he isnt a fan? Do i concede to buy all things he enjoys to save money and just live on water? i cant, i dont have the strength. When i started this plan, I had credit, I had my own money. Without my own money i am struggling to maintain this balance. I swear that things are more expensive these days. I feel bad. I feel really bad.
I dont want to maintain, I obviously cant handle it. I need to keep dieting and trying to lose this weight! I cant allow myself to go backwards, and I dont know how strong i really am. I feel disconnected from my family again, I sent those invites and everyone is so concerened about grama i havent heard from anyone. I give up on that now. I am already straining about the company coming, the boys using the camper, the extra water for showers, the lack of privacy or time to do my workouts without separating myself from all the family here to spend time with me. My sister isnt even healthy right now, she had a bad asthma attack this week. If we had a huge bank account of money i wouldnt care, because we wouldnt hurt financially after they left. This has been a hard year, emotionally, physically, financially. I cant wait for it to end.
But then, in February I will be up for renewal on my medicaid insurance that has afforded me the opportunity to stay on my medications, and to keep MJ covered. If I have to reapply, even with D's less income, he has refused to give the state his info, so the money we should be saving on the child support he paid coming to and end will simply get sucked up by my health needs, and coverage for MJ, and well, in effect all of us. He gets all wound up about saving saving saving, at least 100 a month from the money we will see come to us after this process is over, but he isnt paying the bills or managing this house. I suggested he have it deducted before it gets to me, so that I cant put it elsewhere and use it, for what may be needed here at home. I dont know. I am not totally convinced we will be able to save, when we are living with the help of my folks right now, esp in the moments when we have 40$ in the acct till next check and dad spots me some cash in hand. I have such a hard time knowing that at one point in D's life, he was over the 100,000 mark yearly. We arent anywhere near that number now, and he has so many dreams and goals and with our debt i cant see past it to see the goals. Maybe they arent my goals. I have regrets and i shouldnt. I cant take back the past and the things we purchased thinking it would be needed, like the laptop i got for real estate that i didnt stay 2 months longer into after purchasing and didnt need after all, the bowflex that has sat unused for months, the motorcycle that isnt used more than 2 months out of the year because D just isnt as flexible about our uncertain summer squalls that burst out at 5pm and he gets stuck in them. He is much like a cat in that he isnt into water, on his face, in his face riding a bike, etc. He is so stuck in his ways.
I am going on about nothing now, just unravelling my worry into words. I really should write a book, only noone would buy it because its depressing! :(
I know.
I spent my day yesterday cleaning the house for company saturday. I also did the bowflex machine and not my walking workouts. It felt good to do the strength in that machine over the weights in my workout, a change. As much time as i have in the day though, to get the minutes to do my walk and the bowflex with mj around is hard. I dont wish to let her run amuck to do it, she is such a busy body. I know Sept will be here soon enough and i will have my days to myself when she is in kindergarten and i will then wish i had these days back. I have to enjoy this time with her the best i can, but my patience is shot. I hold so much inside about my parents allowing her to do what she wants there and how hard it is when she comes here, D is tough. I am tough too, but I always see me differently because I am her mom. I get so upset with her, but its just steam venting out of my head. We almost gave her tv back last nite, until D spotts her watching our living room tv thru the reflection on the back door while we were eating, so he took it back to square one again. She was sad, I was sad because it is a nice thing to let her have so I can do my things too. I know, the tv isnt the babysitter, but to get me 40min it works fine. She isnt going crazy without it, and her dr would tell me no tv at all, but once in a while i need a break, she has been in my skin since D went back to work, she wants to go wherever i go, into the places he doesnt want her as well. Its just too much structure and its hard for me to follow all the time.
Like, yesterday i took my convertible to get it gas for D, and she and i went to the grocery for a second, she had a roll from the deli since we didnt eat before we left, she has some left in her bag when we were in the car, and got some crumbs in the seat......WELL! so today, he is getting ready to go and he said to me, "she ate in the car" and i said well, just a bit of bread and he said "its everywhere!" and i said, yes, well, your ashes are on the floor too! and gave him a look like, F876 You, its my car! and walked away but my head was reeling over how i didnt clean it out yesterday and well, all the painful memories of HIS PAST came floodinng into my head. See, his ex had 2 girls, that she allowed to eat in his truck all the time, and they never cleaned it up and so he made this rule for his cars, or our cars...but i allow her to have food with me in my car when i am driving and i ensure she doesnt mess. FOR HIM! FOR HIM! and they are both my cars. FOR HIM i do this, and believe me, i am anal about my cars, I take better care of them visually than anyone i have ever known. I wipe them down when i get home, take the dust from our dirt road off and all! How dare he give me grief?
I see his point, but my kid is not those girls who were unruled, misbehaved and lacking in respect. But i try my best to keep her in line as he wishes her to be, and keep my lip zipped at the same time, but man alive, he gave me grief and its my car! Its my car!
Ugh, I have to cool off, I cant believe how upset i am. I dont know whether im more upset with myself for slacking with her, or at the fact that he acted that way over some silly crumbs, knowing i usually dont bend the rules?
Ok, downward spiral is out of control. I know its a battle i cant win, he has his principles and his wishes and I need to honor them as long as we are here together, and in truth i do agree that the car isnt a place to eat, and darn it, it was like an edge of bread. I didnt even give it a thought, i was planning to clean the car anyway, only i failed to vacuum. You know, I saw the cigarette ashes and i didnt say a word until he got on me about her lack of being able to eat without making a mess. Its such stupid #%@&! really.
My battery is going to die, so its best i shut it for now. I will do my walking workout before MJ is up. Thanks for listening girls, and I am sorry i sound so negative. Holiday season is always hard for me. I just get wierd emotional chaotic crazy mental overemotional and sensitivity is at its all time high about now.
HIker, so much for my getting a grip, standing up and fighting like a girl!
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Hiker
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Posted: 16 December 2009 09:10 pm |
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| BJD, I wish I had a majic wand and I would wave it over you and make it all better but alas....they took my majic wand when they made me live in the land of reality. The best I can do is to tell you I will keep you in my thoughts and I know you are really struggling right now and it really stinks. Just know you do have friends out here that are thinking of you.
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MichelleP
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 25 March 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 685 |
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Posted: 20 December 2009 02:36 pm |
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Hi BJ-
The eating in the car issue.... my husbands the same way. He's quite anal about his car. Funny he gets ashes in there too and that's not a concern but one teeny tiny crumb of dirt from anyone else freaks him out. Probably just a control issue - and most men I know tend to be anal about their cars. My hubby even gets anxious when I drive his car. Whatever - I'm not one to keep my mouth shut and if he gives me grief about driving his car or about how dirty my van is because of the kids I have no problems telling him to chill the f*ck out. I've got 4 kids and I've learned to relax about cleaning issues all around. It's impossible to keep everything spotless all the time and I'm not even going to try, it's really not worth the stress. That's not to say that my place is a disaster area or anything but it's certainly not always as clean as I prefer it to be.
Christmas does bring a lot of stresses, especially if the cash flow isn't where it needs to be. I think I've told you that my husband lost his job back in July. So we have had no income coming in since then. We have been living on some retirement money he was able to get from his last job but it won't last much longer. Lack of cash is stressful all on it's own, then add in the holidays and the stress level shoots up even more. It's tough, I know. And the food buying issues with decreased cash really sucks. It's not just you, foods are more expensive. No wonder more people are fat - more people are lower income and are forced to buy the cheaper foods which are the least healthy for you. You can get a loaf of cheap white bread here for under $1- but the good whole grain bread I like is $3. So when you have a very strict budget guess which bread you're probably going to buy? It's the same with all foods. The healthier it is for you the more expensive it is. It sucks!
Okay so you've gained some weight back. It's frustrating for sure and I know it's helping bring you down. We all know the feeling and you are not alone. Just keep on trying to eat good and get moving. That's all any of us can do... just keep on trying.
Wanted to thank you again about the PMDD info. After much research, reading a ton of stories from other women and getting some info from naturopath/homeopaths I came to the conclusion that I am at least in part overloaded with copper. Had the copper IUD removed last week. I feel better already but it's too soon to tell if it's from getting the IUD removed or not. I've also started taking zinc to balance out the copper. I'll stick with this for a little while and see how I'm feeling. There are some other supplements I want to take but I'm testing the zinc/copper issue first to see if that's the main culprit before I go adding anything else in. It TOTALLY bites to have taken the IUD out, it has been the most fabulous method of birth control ever. No worries, no pills, no condoms, no jellies, none of any of that. The mood strikes and you're instantly ready for it. But if it is indeed the culprit of my problems it's not worth it. So I guess it's back to condoms for awhile until we get some medical insurance again. Then I think I'll get myself tied up.
I hope you feel better soon BJ. I think you're a wonderful woman!
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BJD74
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Posted: 20 December 2009 03:48 pm |
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michelle! thanks for all the cheering up and consolations! i just only got it today, sorry for any delay! I would take my butt to Planned Parenthood if I were you so that you dont have to worry about getting yourself prego, esp with your financial means now! I wish we could have another, but D had his vascectomy over 6 yrs ago with previous wife. I hate her for it. anyway, i would get there quick and you should be covered for only a small amount out of pocket, that is how i did it for so many years, and now i am on medicaid by Gods grace still.
cant talk long, family got here yesterday and things are ruff right now with 5 dogs, already had some tiffs! lol....alas that is the price we pay for having so many dogs! i weighed in at 160.2 today, thank you Jesus! :) i have been up to 163.8 this week! i was very upset but its all my own doing, so why be upset? i will get my edge back. i will do my best to workout while they are here, yesterday i managed a good mile jogging, and the day before i got in 2mi with my wts. Today, not sure yet but cutting wood? I would like to steal away to get one in, but we will see how it goes!
good luck with the pmdd, i now take the wellbutrin and the Yaz to combat the symptoms. I keep seeing Yaz blubs on the tv about the risks, and i figure i must be ok because i am all about kickin my butt in the workouts, and if i were to have a heart attack, well, heck i would have already! but if i get any wierd symptoms i will see what to do, not the best way to get money but hey, whatevers clever at this point!
i feel ok today, sure its wierd with family, but we are looking ahead to christmas day, we are expecting that check from child support backpay from our recent closure for D, and that will be here by wed, i pray! He hasnt shopped, and we need propane, firewood, etc. I love living in the country, but man alive Propane is costly! The firewood is costly!....although i wouldnt live without a fireplace here in the winter, i love the cedar burning. :) thankful that my dad has given to us the past few weeks, we have been gifted a few trunk loads keeping our wood supply replenished. I am grateful for them more than ever these days. :) wierd how things turned around. We all need each other you know? We all have struggles, they are dealing with my grama, i am dealing with new wife, mother roles, and we all need each other to love laugh yell etc :)
big hug and have a great week! talk before Christmas! :)
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Hiker
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Posted: 23 December 2009 10:59 pm |
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| Hey BJ, just wanted to stop in and wish you a Merry Christmas. Enjoy MJ, she is at great age, beleive me they go by way to fast so slow downa and relish every minute. Don't stress about your weight and don't stress about your company and making sure things are right, just remember, they are your family and they love you and you are worthy of that love. Enjoy the holiday.
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Hiker
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Posted: 23 December 2009 10:59 pm |
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| Hey BJ, just wanted to stop in and wish you a Merry Christmas. Enjoy MJ, she is at great age, beleive me they go by way to fast so slow downa and relish every minute. Don't stress about your weight and don't stress about your company and making sure things are right, just remember, they are your family and they love you and you are worthy of that love. Enjoy the holiday.
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BJD74
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Posted: 24 December 2009 03:54 am |
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Thanks Hiker! I hope you and yours have a special weekend too!! I hope you all get what you wished for! :)
Big hug!
B
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Terabyte
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| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1577 |
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Posted: 27 December 2009 03:37 am |
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Hi BJ: I actually spotted you in Cindy's diary and wanted to drop you a line and tell you that I am dealing with the same numbers you have been dealing with. I have plateaued around 158 for the past few months, bouncing around that number, a little up a little down, but usually right around 158. And then, fairly recently, like in the last week and a half or so, I ballooned up to 162.2, even surpassing your 161. I do NOT like to be in the 160s! But unlike you, I know what my problem is. I eat too #%@&! much. I am doing the Alternate Day Diet and when I stick to it and do it correctly, eating until I am full but not uncomfortably so on the up days, I lose weight. I have a BAD habit though of overeating on the up days, even to the point where my stomach is in pain from having so much food pile in there. Yuck! But when I eat reasonably, I lose weight. My last weigh-in was 156.6 and believe me, I like that number a lot more than 162.2! But I share your pain as a sister in the upper 150s/lower 160s. Those numbers just don't make for happy days or nights!
I can't even tell you how ecstatic I would be to see the scale actually in the 140s! Man, what a beautiful day that will be!
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BJD74
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Posted: 27 December 2009 06:15 pm |
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Hey TB! :) Thanks for stopping in! I am totally there with you now, i was 158.8 yesterday after being up in the 160-163! the last 2 weeks. Argh. I really dont know why i get so upset being up over 160, isnt it funny how i mind will play tricks? Its really nothing to be upset about, except the idea in my head that its so easy to KEEP CLIMBIN and not going downhill that i freak out! If I even take one day to just BE without thinking about it, (HA! not thinking about it?!?, yeah right!) I am up. Without any delay, the very next day i am up like 2-3 pds.
I just know its not ever going to be a day that i dont have to think about what i eat and know i will suffer consequences, I have to think about it. Its got to be a conscious effort every day, no matter how much those around me tell me how great i look and to just relax and enjoy being here its just never going to be that easy.
I hope you are doing well over the holidays! I didnt weigh in today, i am so tired and I just dove into coffee first thing! lol....so, tomorrow i will see how i did! :)
Have a great week! :)
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 2 January 2010 09:38 pm |
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| Hey BJ I just wanted to stop in and say hi. In reading your last several entries, I can tell you are frustrated with the scale, but as someone else pointed out, you've come very far in the last year so keep it in perspective! Hope all is well with you and your little MJ~
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BJD74
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Posted: 3 January 2010 03:29 pm |
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Hey, is that my MJ36? behind a new name? How are YOU?! Happy New Year! How is the loss coming for you? how is life?
Today i am back at all time high after a day of total lack of self control....argh, paying the price today! lol
But alas, i have come a long way so a few pds fluctuation isnt gonna kill me yet! :)
Thanks for checking in, I often wonder how you are! :)
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
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| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 3 January 2010 04:48 pm |
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| Hey BJ... yup, that's me with a new name. Unfortunately my loss became a gain and I am fighting an even bigger battle to take it off. I simply could not find the motivation after spending about 4 years steadily losing... once I started to slide into that gain, I just kept letting the lbs pile on. I have some serious work ahead of me.
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Hiker
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Posted: 3 January 2010 09:01 pm |
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BJD74 wrote: Today i am back at all time high after a day of total lack of self control....argh, paying the price today! lol
But alas, i have come a long way so a few pds fluctuation isnt gonna kill me yet! :)
Hey BJ, I'm in the same boat...my diary tells my tale of self indulgence. Anyway, we're back and we can do this. We;ve done it before we can do it again...we just need to get ourselves back in gear after our little trip over to the eat-what-ever-you-want-world. We know we can't go there but we did and now we have to do the time on the wagon. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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BJD74
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Posted: 4 January 2010 05:06 pm |
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ahh girls, boy have i blown it the last two days! Yesterday D and I made it a day in ABQ, so of course we ate out twice, and though i didnt eat all of my meal at each place, i allowed for sweets like soda, pie, bread and butter etc......and today, OMG i am up at 166. I could cry but to do so would just upset D and then me more, and as it is, Moses, the black lab who comes when the family comes is very sick. He got sick the first few days here, wasnt eating, just water....normal since he is very funny, like his mom and his uncle D. So, we didnt think too much, but today now being home for two days, his mom will take him to the vet. He is her prize baby boy, she called here very early today to tell us he wasnt eating yet and he was off to the vet today.
I am trying not to feel that somehow he got sick here? How can we know? Our dryer ball disappeared over the time they were here and he is a ball freak. Part of me is hopeful he maybe got a hold of it, and it got lodged somewhere and is blocking something, but i fear the worst too. I know little d was down a few weeks ago, but he is not sick now, and all the house has been cleaned, so there is little chance he got it that way. OH I DONT KNOW, but i feel somehow like we play a part in his illness.
i feel very fat. we got me some new jeans at sears, the levis dream of a size 10 didnt happen. Granted, they fit, if i promise never to eat again! LOL.....so, i am now in a size 12, that is snug and comfortable for me, wont be falling off anytime soon, esp how i am eating lately!
I still cant get over how allowing myself to eat for two days has taken me all the way from 159 to 165? I am also in the 3rd day of the YAZ, a new packet. Maybe that isnt helping. It seems each time i shoot up, i go a little higher each time, like last jump took me to 163. Now, here i am up at 165? WOW! I have to get my arse back on the gravyless train!!!
Come on girls, help me. Tell me I am worth it, cuz i am not feeling it when i put on those 10s yesterday and could barely breathe. :(
Trying to keep my head up!!! I am happy to hear i am not alone, as bad as that sounds, i am releived to not be the only one struggling. But, hiker, wait, you have been losing!?!?! What happened? i guess i need to see your diary, but tomorrow, as D is off today and i am already taking too much time! lol.
love you guys, wish i could see you for a great big hug cuz i am not feeling love right now.. :(
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Hiker
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Posted: 4 January 2010 09:08 pm |
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BJD, I am sorry to see you in such a funk but it is not that unusual to have a gain over the holidays. Having to get you larger size out, now that's a bummer, many of us can relate to but it happens  . Don't let it get the better of you. It is hard to realize this is a life style change and we can't go back to eating the say we did, that's what got us in trouble to begin with. I can't speak for you but I know if I am honest I not only ate badly the past few days but I ate way, way too much. Why....because it tastes good. We just have to decide what we want more. I know you were giving yourself a break but maybe it's time to end it? You were going to try and keep your weight around 155 if I remember cvorrectly? Well, you've only put on a few pounds and now is the time to nip it in the bud. It doesn't matter what D says, or your mother or anyone else. What is it you want to do?
While MJ is napping pull out one of your tapes and start walking girl or if she doesn't nap she can do them with you, I bet she would love to do thaty. And decide now what you are going to have for supper, calculate your calories and decide what you can have for a snack tonight...then stick with it. Your a pro at this so pull out your tools. I know you can do this, you know you can do this so let's do it together!
Last edited on 4 January 2010 09:10 pm by Hiker
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BJD74
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Posted: 4 January 2010 10:06 pm |
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Thanks Hiker! Big Hug, I know I can do it, but i just needed to see how I could do maintaining and obviously i am not ready for that. I know with the pills and the hormones I am up now, and I also know that I have been eating WAAY too much for the last two weeks since family was here. I couldnt stop nor did i let myself....well, i was aware but well i was lazy too or else i wouldnt have gained. I am sure realistically i am really about 162 again and I will get back down again. I dont own any 12's until now, I have one pair. I am down from the 14/16's I have been wearing. I am just happy to be down and I could have gotten the 10s, they were a perfect fit, but i wasnt ready to take the plunge knowing I could get back up so easy. I will get into that 10 and feel good in it! I have 10's now, so its just the style etc and my being bloated major the last few days. I know my carbs have been up, we have had such junk around!
Today i am doing ok. I have had hard boiled eggs, a half cup of coffee, a banana, water, and two small slices of that delicious hard french bread from our dinner out last nite. I brought home half my dinner, as did D, and we brought the yummy bread too. When its gone I promise not to get any more. I will use up what i have in the house and keep the bread out for a while. I only have sourdough here now, and its frozen so out of site out of mind for now. :) I have ice cream here from them, I am maybe gonna toss it or keep for MJ. We talked to my folks today, my grama is on day 3 of dialysis and she will be going into an assisted living nursing home for the next 22days allowing her to get proper care and allowing my folks for a reprieve in thier hectic lives. Thank god. Moses, my sisters dog, is sick, his kidney is enlarged and he is 25 pds underweight. He is on saline now, but the odds are not in his favor. Hiker, isnt it crazy how fast the ones we love so dearly and care for each day can just get sick? It reminded me of Libby my lab that I had to let go almost 5 years ago now, it was so sudden, no time to prepare. Honestly, i didnt want that time, i enjoyed her till the end.
Anyhoo, my boiling eggs are goin over on the stove, and my clothes are almost done in the laundry. I have scooped the poo today! :) Now, D and I are goin to play some more games on the Wii. :) Tonite, a good dinner, not sure what but I am going to take my time planning for mine. :) Thanks and have a nice nite! :)
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 5 January 2010 01:56 am |
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| Stay positive BJ! You've come sooo far and you are reaching new goals all the time. Don't let a little holiday setback get you down. Even people who don't struggle with weight gain a little around the holidays. The key is to get back down to your comfortable weight quickly instead of letting it be the start of the lbs creeping back on (and I speak from experience here unfortunately!). Sorry to hear your loved pets and family members are not doing well, will keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers!
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BJD74
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Posted: 5 January 2010 05:24 pm |
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thanks MJ! Today i am down to 165.2 lol...and i am happy to see it goin back down, believe me! Today I am grumpy, but i am feeling better. I just cant seem to sleep, granted, the more carby things i eat the more upset my tummy is and of course it hits me at nite, so therefore you would think i KNOW BETTER than to eat those sorts of foods. I need to sleep. I tried today, after D left, given i have the house to myself for a day! and of course the dogs are doing all they can to get me up, so i laid down at 730 and was up at 830. Right now I am trying to relax, watching a Law n Order SVU marathon, doing my nails and toes (nails are Berry Sweet and toes are Pop Apricot) and I had breakfast and vitamins. I have a fire going and I am trying to keep my calm since my head still hurts somewhat. ARGH. Day 4 of the Yaz new pack for this month, I am marking the calendar to see if next month I go way up again on the scale at the same time, so that I can see what is going on and maybe help myself keep from goin INSANE! lol.
We got me a new haircolor yesterday, Ruby Fusion, its a brighter auburn, I plan to get it done today, do my workout, and clean up the house. For dinner, maybe eggs again, they tasted so good last nite! :)
I havent talked to my folks, but D talked to them yesterday while i was out, apparently my grama will be goin to the facility by her home, a care home, senior center sort of place. WHEW! That will allow for some breathing time for my parents at least, and hopefully she will see that its not too bad, and that she may actually enjoy being there with other people etc :) Lets hope this opens her eyes to a whole new world! :)
Thanks for the prayers, we are grateful! Moses is doing better, he is responding to the saline, and he is drinking water again, so lets hope that his kidney will get better after they medicate and he will be home with his mommy and family.
I hope you have great days ladies! :) Big Hugs to all of you! :)
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 5 January 2010 11:19 pm |
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| Hugs to you too, you sound very centered today. I laughed when you wrote of the fact that you should KNOW not to eat certain foods that bother your tummy... that thought always comes to me after I eat the foods, right about when my tummy starts to hurt. If only I could figure out a way for the thought to occur BEFORE!
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BJD74
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Posted: 6 January 2010 12:19 am |
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we need to work on those things! It would be, ummmmmmm......
Bread, Rice, Pasta, Cookies, Cake, Processed Goodies, Fruit in high amounts, Sodas, Carbonated Sweet drinks, Potatoes, Salad Dressings that taste good!
LOL...so many thing that i adore still that i cant seem to take in in smaller amounts. If I could, perhaps, I wouldnt be in the predicament i am today.
The sad part is that I love the fruits, I am on a Banana kick lately, and I am seeing that oranges are hurting my teeth as of late as well, so the whole box i have of them is sitting :( I am currently getting fruit via banana, and then the individual containers of low syrup fruit cups, incl grapefruit. They add up in the day, and if i am not on target with other items, well then i can shoot over my goals easily, which kinda sucks.
Today I have tried to be good, but it didnt work perfectly. I had my breakfast, and Lunch, then i went and dove into the light vanilla ice cream we have here, i put some cocoa powder on it, then some walnuts, and the last of the whip cream. In total, i imagine its about 450, even if i had the good fat in the walnuts, they are high cal. I did only have the serving of each item, but well, it was not a great choice. I did have it early in the day and I will be reasonable for dinner. I am going to try not to eat after 7pm, 3 hours before bedtime. Please pray i am strong enough.
thanks for the support and i will talk to you soon! be strong tonite!!! :)
oh yeah, i did take a nap for about an hour, then i got up, did a power mile with my 2lb weights, then i went on to do my 2.25mile walk strong using the weights again thru the whole video which upped the calorie burn ;) It felt good. Then, I colored my hair, took a shower and am resting before D gets home. :) Not tooo bad a day. :)
love you guys!
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 7 January 2010 02:09 am |
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| You mentioned a walking video, was that Leslie Sansone? I wanted to do one of her dvd's tonight but my son had the dvd player disconnected and I couldn't figure out how to reconnect/use it with our new tv... and he is not home to help. I think I will try to work her in at least one day this week for something different!
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BJD74
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Posted: 7 January 2010 02:31 pm |
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mj, you betcha i do the leslie videos! i feel like i have all the best ones, with the most complete body workouts, using the stretchie band, and then my weights too. I have 1lb, 2lb and then 10lb hand weights that i use. I just got the 2's this weekend and i have used them twice! I feel some more soreness, but I wasnt ready to jump to a 5lb when i am using them from warm up to cool down, all thru the video, that can get very tiring and wear me out quicker, which i dont enjoy. I try to work my hardest thru them! :)
I havent got any other videos at this time, I really think I have found the one i enjoy the most with Leslie. I am really into the interval workouts, where you go fast for 3min then do something else, like kickboxing, jogging, weight lifting for 2min doing a full 4sets of them. Last week I was getting thru the workouts faster by doing the 12min miles, the 5 mile fat burn, id get thru 3 then push for the last two doing 5, maybe 6 if i pushed and jogged thru an entire 12min mile. I never really get bored with Leslie, and her videos are so cheap on Amazon. :)
We are losing Moses, most likely today T will be taking him to put him down, he weaked considerably last nite, as we expected he wouldnt make it till Friday. THanks for the support, I am ok, sad for my sister in law, and feeling the pain. I think I am most upset about her husband who is military who wouldnt get off for a few hours today to go with her to the vet, he instead said they would go saturday and find a puppy. How totally inconsiderate of him. I understand goin for a new one in a few weeks or months even, but to say oh we'll just go get a new one, like he is a pair of shoes to replace! ARHG! MEN! (not all men, of course, but this guy is such a different guy, T said she would have punched him in the nose had he been standing in front of her when she requested he come with her. Instead a freind is going with her. I wish I could go, but then, i would be crying too! I loved that annoying spoiled brat of a dog! lol...really i did! he was a good dog overall. :) He will be missed here, but then, i too cant wait to see what she finds next!
Having a good time playing Wii Sports at nite with D, last nite i actually beat him in a few 5 set games of Tennis! WOOHOO! Feels good even if i dont know whether he is letting me win! lol....i get some awesome shots in too! :) I think i am definately getting better! We start off with a round of 9holes of golf, then 2 games of bowling, then an hours worth of tennis. :) I am so happy we were able to budget it! I am sad however that we decided to purchase two driving games, as much as i love them i am not mentally adept enough to get my hands and head in the same direction, i do a lot of crashing! lol I do hope i am exercising when we play! I call it light calisthenics! lol
Have a great day all, pray for my sister in law who will be down and out today and thank you in advance for the time taken to do so! :) I love you guys! :)
I was down to 164 yesterday, hit 163.5 but it went to 164 and stopped. I know my calories are high still but my choices have been better overall. I am still caving sometimes, like my cereal yesterday but i could have DONE WORSE! lol
Not sure what today will reflect, havent weighed in yet.....lol
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
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| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 7 January 2010 10:11 pm |
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| I really love Leslie dvd's. That was the first exercise I did when I transitioned from walks around the block with my sister to something more intense. I did the walk and jog one to "learn" how to job, and I have the 5 mile fat burn one too. I love that you can do a little or a lot, and that she provides ways to do each exercise either more intense or less, depending on your ability. I need to get that dvd player hooked back up so I can get to work with my Leslie collection again!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 January 2010 05:52 pm |
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Get those videos out Girl and Get Moving! :) I only got thru 2 Brisk Miles yesterday, using my 2lb hand weights thru the whole video. I was just down yesterday with Moses goin to Heaven and all, and I am still quietly stewing about my dad. I am missing MJ today, they said she has a sniffly nose, is kinda carryin a small cold and I can only guess why! All the running about, the stress they are all experiencing with my gramma, etcetc....i am only letting her stay longer this visit because I know that when she comes home it will be for a while. I am going to pull back for a while. I need to after the incident with my dad and MJ. He knows how upset I am, or said so anyway, but I still dont have confidence back yet.
anyway, I am down to 163.2 today. Yay. Down from the beginning of the week but still UP from last weeks 159. I have only been half trying, although i am eating the majority of my calories before 5pm, i am not making the best choices. Its only what we have here, so that is better than fast food etc, but i could be better. I am racking in the carbs, because i am eating fruits, and still allowing myself to have some toast each day. I am eating too much, quite simply.
I feel like i could go back to sleep and sleep for the whole day. I am so tired. I was up again last nite with Little D, he decided to wolf his cookies from the bed onto the floor and of course i am the cleaning lady! LOL..so that got me up, then our other girl was out of the bedroom and whining at the door at some odd hour! That got me up to let them all outside then the alarm went off! :( Its been this way for weeks.
oh well, i am young i will survive, it just leaves me being a brat. 
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 8 January 2010 10:44 pm |
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| Hang in there. I hear ya about needing sleep. I get to sleep in til about 9 tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it! When I get tired, I don't put as much into the things I need to do, namely exercise and eating healthy. I am going to get the systems all set up this weekend, and hopefully do a Leslie dvd tomorrow instead of the treadmill. Already I could use a break from the tedium~
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 January 2010 06:31 pm |
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so i am way up again today to 165.4! I am the only one to blame, i didnt get forced to put the food into my mouth.
mj was coming home today but then my grams is being released, so of course they opted to go to rr to get her clothes for the facility then meet her at the facility after 2pm or so, then to bring mj home after. i told my dad if its after 6pm keep her till sunday cuz i dont want it to ruin the whole nite, knowing how she will be when they go to leave, and D is working today etc....trying to keep things calm. No need to do our life around their schedule. I said keep her, bring her tomorrow early. i am still so upset with him. i am upset with them for doing all this stuff for grama with no thanks, knowing they wont get it and yet they keep complaining about it and how sick she is. they seem to miss she wont be getting better EVER again, she is on the down slide, sick and getting sicker, she wont get her strength back etc.....i am upset about it too, why doesnt anyone want to let the woman go? she has caused a lot of pain to most all of us. anyway, oi. i wont go on.
i can only control myself. i need to gain control over the food intake. i am giving away the remaining chocolate almonds i couldnt resist at costco a month ago. I hid them away till after family left, and now this week dove nose first into the bucket. havent been able to resist them, or just have the one serving which is 11 almonds. MOre like 50 almonds as my lunch! lol...so, they are goin to my folks, as is the fruit cake sis made. i dont have anything else here that is tempting me. I gave away all of it. I have some cocoa, but its almost gone.
i moved the living room around, moved my hanging plants around, not sure how i like it. lol.
havent worked out yet, trying not to eat too much. cant sleep anymore, well, i can, but do i need too???
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 January 2010 10:21 pm |
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Hey BJ, throwing those almonds away is a good idea....if they tempt you it's the best thing to do I think.
Sorry to hear things are rough with your parents right now and you are probably right about your grandmother but she is your dad's mom and we all have special feeling about our mom's and the relationships we have good, bad or indifferent is always one of our deepest. That's why MJ is so lucky...she drew you for a mom!
Stay strong and remember we can only control ourselves, others must make their own decisions, as long as they respect our boundaries we need to let them do their thing, even if we think it's the wrong thing.
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
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| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 10 January 2010 04:24 am |
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| I hear you about getting rid of food that is tempting. I was fiending for some chocolate Friday night and there was NONE here! In a way it was frustrating, but ultimately it was a great thing.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 January 2010 09:32 pm |
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its gone, the goodies are gone. today weight back down to 163.2 i will be happier when its down to 159 again! lord i love that number! today i have had some stress and ate chocolate getting parts at the auto zone, how pathetic! have mj home, she is taking a bath and tired, i can see it in her eyes. D is trying to fix my dads computer, picked up a virus, i am trying to get my butt to do a workout, but i am emotionally drained today from the long conversation wiht my mom over my grama etcetcetc....its so hard not to let it drain me. I was such a large part of that when i was there, immersed and now i am not but i still internalize soo much of it because i know how hard this is for my parents. So, right now, i just want to curl on the couch, watch my law and order and be warm. The thought of anything more just doesnt sound fun, lost my motivation for today. Wierd huh.
tomorrow is another day and tonite i know at least we will play some Wii Sports! that will be a good hour or so of activity for me, and i will do my best to not munch today till dinnner. Water only! Nuts only! if i have to have anything! Fat, Proteins, Fruit Vegs.....no more soda or junk!
lol..its so easy to write it and not do it!!!
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mjremix
New Member
| Joined: | 2 January 2010 |
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| Posts: | 525 |
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Posted: 11 January 2010 01:13 am |
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| Everyone has a Wii but Miiiii! Hehe. Anyway, it sounds like you really enjoy yours. I am going to put it on my wish list and try to set aside money til I can get one too. My friend has a game called Just Dance that is a great workout and lots of fun too.
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