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Infinite Disguise in the City of Angels
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Terabyte
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 Posted: 26 February 2010 06:56 pm
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Finished applying for another job. Behavioral intake coordinator.  We'll see what happens there!

I also used this soup kit that I got for Christmas.  It honestly didnt really look THAT good, but I made myself cook it up so that I could have some meals set up over the next 2 days.  The whole kit makes about 8 servings, a total of 1360 calories.  It was a chicken soup kit from Trader Joe's.  It was okay, not super wonderful but not bad.  It was spicy and filling.  I had that and some prunes for breakfast for a total of 563 calories.  Breakfast was late, as I woke up later than usual, so I ate at about 11:00am this morning.  Now the soup is in my fridge and I will probably have a bowl of it for dinner. 

I did some push-ups and some tricep work, shoulder work, squats and lunges, not much.  But it felt good to get moving.  Interestingly enough, I can do 5 boy push-ups and I haven't been trying. 

It reminds me of this room-mate I had in college, Tracy, who was a sweet and funny chick and she ate fairly healthy but not perfect.  Anyway, she had a cute figure and I remember she came out of the bathroom one day wearing a little halter top and she said

can somebody please explain to me how I have a six pack without even trying?

and lo and behold she did have a little six-pack ab thing going on---looked good, not gross or manly.

Anyway, that's how I felt about the push-ups.  Would LOVE to have a six pack ab set.  We'll see.  Actually, that makes me want to do some ab stuff. 


**** 

there I did some ab stuff too. 

Terabyte
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 Posted: 26 February 2010 10:07 pm
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Whew I drank some kava tea and am feeling mighty mellow!  Love it!

I can't find any info on the calorie content of it--does anyone know?


Got a text from one of the guys I am dating.  He went to the Far East for a month and he said he brought me something.  Interested to see what it is.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 27 February 2010 01:53 am
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Yay!  My mutual fund went up!  And my friend Paul is coming over to watch a movie :cool: And when I say friend I mean another totally beautiful man I am dating.  What did I used to say?

Consort.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 27 February 2010 02:50 pm
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Ah, yes!  The weight continues to just fly off my body.  This morning, the scale said
155.2#!!!   

This is truly amazing.  I can't believe how easy it is to lose weight if I just cut out junk food.  Seriously--this is a loss of over 6 pounds in less than two weeks! 

I am going to a party tonight and seeing a friend of mine that I haven't seen in quite some time. My goal is not to eat any salt or fat before this party.  This should make me feel light and airy before I go.  It will also help with my big weigh-in tomorrow.

I am SO HAPPY that I have been able to drop this amount of weight in such a short amount of time.  It feels wonderful, and while it's not always easy to fight off cravings for junk food, it definitely pays off, and pays off almost immediately too! 

I called my chef friend to tell him thank you for his comment.  Nothing is more motivating to me than a chance to prove someone wrong.  To me, I derive great satisfaction from a great big screw you. 

:cool:


Terabyte
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 12:22 pm
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Here is some pretty heavy subject matter that I have been thinking about:

Many of you probably recall from reading my diary that I am adopted and that my biological mother was murdered in 1986.  I had *thought* that they had captured and punished her killer, but they didn't, the person is still at large. 

Anyway, even though she was killed so long ago, there are two reporters who are still working on the case, trying to solve it.  I was contacted by one of them about two weeks ago but I couldn't help her, as I had no info about the murder and indeed had never even met my biological mom that I can remember. I did live with her until I was about 4 months old, but I don't remember any of that obviously.

So anyway, this reporter sent me an email wherein she had found a fairly recent blog written by one of my mom's boyfriends, who had just recently found out about the murder.  He wrote a lot about her, some very nice stuff, I guess he really liked her a lot.  But there was some funky stuff in there too that I didn't know about.  One, that she was molested by her parents and two, that yours truly was most likely the product of a sexual assault that occurred in a park where my Mom was sleeping.  (My Mom was a transient/runaway/hitchhiker for a significant part of her life. 

That poor woman--I am older than she was when she died--had such a hard life and then it ended so horribly. And I always at least liked to think that I was conceived in the context of a loving relationship or at LEAST in the throes of lustful passion if not love but it appears, at least according to this dude's blog, that I may have been conceived under the worst circumstances possible and that I am partly made of the DNA of some rapist.  

Needless to say, this is not good news.

However, in pondering this matter, I thought of one f the clients I had, a young woman who was molested by her stepfather, got pregnant by her stepfather (who is now in prison, may he rot there forever!) and she kept the baby.  She gave him a beautiful name, a very Jewish name which I always thought was interesting as she is Latina--and she was always very loving to him.  I knew her a good year and saw her with him every week and it was clear that she cared about him a lot and did not connect him in her mind with his terrible father in any way.  Or if she DID, she never showed it. 

We even had a conversation about what she should tell him about his origins, when he's older, because I think it's important not to lie to kids about stuff like that, even if you are trying to protect them, because if she were to lie and he were to find out the truth some other way, which is probably inevitable--he will feel betrayed and he will like he is a bad person himself, that he is gross or shouldn't have been born, etc.  So I told her to be open about the way he was conceived and tell him that while it was of course not a good way for him to be conceivied that she chose to keep him because she loved him very much and it didn't matter to her about his conception circumstances it mattered only that he was her son and she loved him.  And that she felt grateful that out of that horribleness, something so great and beautiful could have come.  I clearly remember sitting with her in the kitchen, with her and her foster mom and telling her this and she agreed with me and said that was how she felt and that is how she would tell him when the time came. 

So anyway, that was comforting to me to have known that young woman and her son.  And as a matter of fact, that young woman was close to my mom's age when she had me.  Actually, my young woman was a bit older--she got pregnant prior to becoming an adult, my Mom got pregnant at 19.  But we had that conversation about what to say to her son when that young woman was 19. 

It's funny--a lot of people ask me how I can have the career I have, as I see people in such bad circumstances, see things that are really awful, deal with people who have had the worst possible things happen to them, does it ever make me feel bad or make me think bad things about the human race, what we are capable of doing to each other.  And really, my answer is that yes I see and hear about horrible things, I mean REALLY horrible things, so I do get to see the ugliest side possible of humanity but I also see the most beautiful side of it too.  Foster parents who show so much love and give these kids a chance at a new life, kids who are able to heal from everything bad that happened to them, and things like that young woman who loved her son so much even though his origins were pretty awful.  There's a million little moments I could play in my head about things that I have seen that were moving over the years, and I guess I could say that out of the greatest ugliness  I have seen the greatest beauty emerge. 

So anyway, that young woman will probably never know how much her love for her son helped me have a positive perspective on my own history.  But I feel that I am very blessed to have known her. 


Terabyte
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 01:33 pm
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Ay yai yai, looking at pictures from the huge quake in Chile.  All those people!  My heart goes out to them....

Terabyte
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 08:36 pm
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Also, in brighter and happier news, my hot neighbor asked me out on a date yesterday.  We hung out at his house and got crunk and then went to eat at a Mexican food place.  He likes orange soda. 

I like orange soda.

I like him.

I sat on his lap at the table like a total dorkus. I love acting like a lovey-dovey dork. 

He had a picture of his father, who died on Valentine's Day, in the bathroom on the mirror.  I kissed the picture.  Like you kiss the mezzuzah (sp?) in the doorway of the houses of the traditional Jews. 

And may I just say---GEEEEZ my neighbor has the nicest body.  Slim and cut and just--I don't know.  Michelangelo would have loved him. 


mjremix
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 08:51 pm
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I can only hope that your biological mother has the satisfaction, in the afterlife, to see that you are an amazing woman who has risen above any humble, or even horrific, beginnings she had.  It sounds like she was repeatedly victimized from a young age til her death.  I can only hope that those reporters are able to find answers so that there can be justice for her as she surely deserves it!

Terabyte
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 09:19 pm
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Thank you--I hope so.  I would like the killer to be caught and put to death but really, she's already dead and so many others f.ucked her over evidently.  I guess I got all the breaks she didn't get!  And I really mean that--I got an absolutely wonderful set of parents that had a lot of money even so that I could go to school, get a degree and do work that I really love.  And I can't tell you how many of my clients have expressed passionately how much they were thankful for me and the work I did.  That really feels good and makes me feel that if I were to die tomorrow, I would have led the life I wanted to lead.  And I have felt that way since I was 21 and started working with abused kids in the group home, tucking them in at night, reading them bedtime stories, making them brush their teeth, etc.  Even though I never birthed any children, I feel like I have been a mother to too many kids to count.  Sometimes it doesn't seem fair, that I should have had so much when my mother had so much bullsh.it all the time, so many violations and pain.  But oh well, I also didn't get crushed in Haiti or Chile nor do I live in a mansion and shop on  Rodeo drive, so  I guess everyone's path just unfolds as it does and it's useless to compare yourself to others. 

To be honest, I feel motherly toward my mother as I am now older than her when she died and also she reminds me of a lot of the young women I have served as a social worker.  I have known many beautiful and troubled girls in my career--some of them healed up, some of them keep reopening their own wounds, inviting in more violation and pain.  But all of them are the same underneath, just regular girls who are loving and would like to just give and have love,like the rest of us. 

When I told my hot neighbor about the rape and the murder and all that he said

isn't that interesting how it came to be that you picked a career where you are helping people like that and you never knew all that until recently? 

And it is interesting.  It is, as many would say, meant to be.  It was my calling, there was no other way it could have been. 

My adoptive parents of course were very sad to hear about that and their heart went out to my birthmom.  My mom said to me you know what even if your father was a rapist, it doesn't matter. Your mother was a loving woman and your real father is your father, my husband, he is who made you who are more than any guy that just happened to supply the sperm.  Any guy can really put his penis into any woman, whether she even wants to or not, that doesn't deserve the title of father.  I am really sorry that it happened to your mother that way, but as far as I am concerned, you were gestated in love and you were raised in love.  Don't even call that guy father.  God gave you to us so that Steve (my adoptive dad) could be your father.


Last edited on 28 February 2010 09:23 pm by Terabyte

mjremix
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 Posted: 28 February 2010 10:11 pm
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Your mom is a very very smart woman, I guess that's where you get it from! I love the circle you have traveled from needing help, even at that very young age to be somewhere safe and secure, to being the helper.  Sort of giving back on a daily basis.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 1 March 2010 01:57 am
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Just found this song--- really pretty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwoLACv_srQ

Terabyte
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 Posted: 1 March 2010 01:58 am
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recent pic--thought it turned out good:


Attachment: Photo-0294.jpg (Downloaded 104 times)

mollymoo24
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 Posted: 1 March 2010 02:46 am
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You know what's super cool - you're even more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside...and you're gorgeous.  :grin:   Thanks for being a guide, you really have a special knack for "knowing..."  well beyond your years. xoxox.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 1 March 2010 04:09 am
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Awww, thank you! 

Terabyte
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 Posted: 1 March 2010 06:38 pm
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Oh man, I am already done with my calories for the day.  Yikes!!!  I had shells and cheese and aCadbury cream egg and 2 prunes.  That's 1255 calories.  It was DELICIOUS!!!!   But now I gotta get through the rest of the day without putting anything in my greedy mouth.  Except tea.  I lost so much weight the last two weeks, I really want to lose another pound this week.  So I am DETERMINED!!!

Oh yes, and food cost for the day: $6.04.  That's the highest I think my food cost has been since my chef friend made that comment to me.  $7 per day is the government's food stamp standard. 

mjremix
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 Posted: 2 March 2010 03:04 am
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In a social work class I took in undergrad we had to live on a foodstamp and welfare budget for a week and talk about what we had to give up.  It really provides insight into how hard it is to live on what the government provides.  I think it was particularly difficult for some of my classmates who had never been poor... I grew up with food stamps and government cheese so it wasn't as much of a stretch for me though it certainly sucked!

Terabyte
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 Posted: 2 March 2010 04:21 pm
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Wow--that's a cool project to assign in school.  I like it!

OOPS I ate a bunch of cereal yesterday afternoon and was punished with a read of 162.6 on the scale this morning.  Oh well, that's what you get! 

I really just want to have a deficit today- Sunday morning and be able to hit my goal of 155.6 by Sunday morning. 

I made a call this morning to a local school psychologist so I could set up a quick appointment with her this week to give her my card and encourage her to send kids to me who may need therapy due to abuse/neglect/trauma.  One of my smart colleagues who has her own private practice gave me that little gem of an idea.  I left a message for the psychologist, so hopefully she will call me back today. 

:cool:

mjremix
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 Posted: 3 March 2010 02:42 am
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I'm a school counselor, and I get calls routinely from social workers and other community based providers, introducing themselves and providing contact information.  We also have a local publication put out by a mental health org that has all the local providers listed, with specialties, fee info, etc.  Would be good if you an get into one of those publications if they have them in your area.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 02:06 am
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Ooh, yeah that's a good idea!!!  Well that chick didn't call me back but I think I will try again.  I am sure she's busy and I am not the first thing on her mind. 

I started the process of getting credentialed with Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health.  Yeesh, that paperwork is a bear!  Its like its written in some foreign language, I am not kidding.  It's not for the faint of heart, let me tell ya!

I weighed 157.8 this morning.  This pleases me.  I have to get down to 155.6 by Sunday morning!!!!  That's 2.2# in 2 days.  I should be able to pull it off.

Started doing yoga again throughout the day.  It feels really good. I have done 20 minutes so far today. 

I was feeling HUNGRY about an hour ago so I drank some kava tea.  Seems to work pretty good.  I need to not eat anything until tomorrow morning. 

I went food shopping and spent $25 today and my goal is to make that food last until at LEAST the 10th. 


Terabyte
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 09:00 pm
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Weighed 156.2# this morning.  Already ate a lot so I am done with eating for the day.  Whew!  Beautiful day outside, did some reading in the sun.  Felt great!  Watching my friend's son and getting a pedicure today (hopefully, my friend is super-flakey :dizzy:)

mjremix
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 09:24 pm
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Way to go! Guess it really helps to limit what you spend, takes willpower (of which I have none) out of the equation when there is no junk to eat!

Terabyte
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 09:51 pm
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I would really like to weigh 155.2# or less tomorrow but geez I am HUNGRY!  I wish I hadn't eaten all my calories so early in the day.  Maybe I will do one of those fasting hour-by-hour logs to help distract myself. 


Terabyte
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 10:41 pm
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Distracting myself watching the Tyra show and reading this book during the commercial breaks.  Interestingly enough, Tyra has prostitutes on her show and the book is a work of fiction about a woman in a harem who became the queen after she found favor with the king.

On the show, there is one woman who left prostitution, got married and went to school and there is another woman who continues to be a prostitute.  It's annoying to me because the audience is so against the prostitute and even though the woman maintains that she is happy with what she's doing and with her life, the audience keeps telling her that there's no way she is really happy and that they feel sorry for her.  I thought--sheesh why can't you just accept that she is cool with her choice?  Just because it's something you wouldn't do that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way.  Most jobs have something about them we don't like, boss's butts we have to kiss or policies we have to adhere to that maybe we don't even agree with or just people's #%@&! we have to put up with because they are customers or coworkers or whatever.  Maybe having sex with someone who looks like George Costanza isn't the highlight of someone's day but think about it--someone has sex with those not-so-attractive guys, and I mean just regular women who aren't getting hundreds of dollars for it.  So I think what's the big deal?  I think it all just depends on how you look at something and I thought it was unfortunate that the people in the audience and Ms.Banks herself could not just accept that the prostitute was happy with her profession and her life. 

Terabyte
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 Posted: 5 March 2010 11:08 pm
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Well I was just too hungry and I ate a small bean burrito and some string cheese. Only 330 more calories, which puts me at 1630 for the day.  I don't think that's too bad.  I might not be able to weigh 155.2#, but as long as I weigh 155.6# or less by Sunday morning, I am happy.

zenobia
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 Posted: 6 March 2010 04:58 am
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the hing with the prostitue- have you ever watched or read diary of a london call girl?  the blog is called Belle de Jour (if it's still on-line, you should read it.  the lady is brilliant and witty and just so freaking cool!  like, super amazing- i think you would appreciate her style and humor).  the story of the chick who was happy with her life choices remind me of her.  i agree with you- we all sell ourselves in some way- she like the sex biz.  that's exactly it!  big deal!

Terabyte
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 Posted: 15 March 2010 12:41 am
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Update: shorthand--
met revised weight goal for the week

GOT A JOB!!!!   Temp to permanent position as a medical social worker at a hospital.  Big money  too! 
White boy money.
2 miles from my house!!!!
And everyone was paying me huge compliments already, telling me they have never seen someone know the ropes so fast, that I was working like someone who had been there for a long time, that they were really impressed.  That felt really good.  Tip of the hat to the woman who trained me, she made streamlined cheatsheets I refer to and make my job flow easily. 

Also have possible new client, FIRST ONE, for my private practice.  Left a message for her case manager to see about starting sessions.  

Sunbathed today reading a funny book about the end of the world "Good Omens."  Never read anything like it.  I really dig it.

Lots of hot men at my new job.  Gotta love that.  One looks one of my exes.  Must see about that. 

mjremix
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 Posted: 15 March 2010 03:46 am
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Congrats on the job! Way to go!

zenobia
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 Posted: 15 March 2010 06:37 am
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yay tera!  i knew you'd catch your break :)

mollymoo24
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 Posted: 21 March 2010 06:57 pm
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Congratulations on the new job!  It sounds like a great fit for you, and happy that the $$$ (and men) are good.  :)   You definitely deserve it, a bright gal and a hard worker, you make your own breaks in life!

zenobia
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 Posted: 2 April 2010 02:09 am
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hey!  just seeing how you were doing.  hope all is well and you are digging your new job!

cportwine
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 Posted: 6 April 2010 07:45 pm
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Congrats on the Job! I hope all is going well for you.... :wink:

Terabyte
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 Posted: 21 June 2010 03:57 pm
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Hi guys!  Sheesh, I know it's been quite a while!  But I am back!  The job is great--I worked there for about 12 weeks, then they ended my contract, but this week (after a 2 week break) they asked me to come back for a week.  i got the job through a registry service, and I have never done registry work before, but it's kinda cool--they find you assignments and then you just go, sometimes for a few days, sometimes for months.  So far, I've only landed the hospital gig, but that works out great for me since it's so close to my house. 

So I don't know why they needed me back after that two-week break; I am sure I will find out more once I report in there.

As for my weight, I would have to say that I am not pleased with my current weight.  This morning I weighed 165.4# with a 35.1 body fat percentage.  I know this is a little inflated because I ate quite a bit yesterday (about 2,710 calories), I had sodium-laden pizza yesterday which I am sure is making me retain water, I weighed myself after drinking a big (15 oz. or so) glass of water, and I weighed myself with my clothes on.  But still, I am not pleased with this weight or this body fat percentage.

Actually, to be brutally honest with you, things haven't even been going so well in the man department because I am so self-conscious about my weight.  Twice last week, two different men that I REALLY LIKE asked me to go do something with them (one invited me to a camping rave and one invited me to a party at his house) and both times I declined because I felt gross and fat.  I honestly haven't been going out at ALL as much as I used to or as much as I would prefer to, because I feel so bad about my weight.  I don't think I am fat, I don't think I look obese or anything like that, but my cute clothes that I like to wear when I go out just don't fit, or at least don't fit in any right or flattering way.  This is NOT a good thing.  When my weight cuts into my social/love life, that is a big problem. 

So I am determined to make some improvements.  There is a party that I want to go to this Saturday, and obviously while I don't expect to be at my target weight in a week (that would be impossible I think, anyway, even if I starved myself, did speed, and went to a sweat lodge), I really want to be able to go to this party, wear something I feel good in (even if I have to buy something in a larger size for now), have fun, and I want to go feeling happy and confident with myself that I stuck to a reasonable, healthy fitness plan for the week. 

I have to go finish getting ready for work now, but I will come back later and I look forward to catching up with all of your journals as well.




mollymoo24
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 Posted: 21 June 2010 09:34 pm
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Terabyte wrote:
Actually, to be brutally honest with you, things haven't even been going so well in the man department because I am so self-conscious about my weight.  Twice last week, two different men that I REALLY LIKE asked me to go do something with them (one invited me to a camping rave and one invited me to a party at his house) and both times I declined because I felt gross and fat.  I honestly haven't been going out at ALL as much as I used to or as much as I would prefer to, because I feel so bad about my weight.  I don't think I am fat, I don't think I look obese or anything like that, but my cute clothes that I like to wear when I go out just don't fit, or at least don't fit in any right or flattering way.  This is NOT a good thing.  When my weight cuts into my social/love life, that is a big problem. 

Hi, Terabyet, it is great to see (read?) you again!  I am glad things went well with the job and hope you can continue to get more similar gigs.  Regarding the above, I could have written those words right now myself.  I am pretty sure I can't get into my cute clothes either or would not be flattering, and am actually avoiding trying.  Turning into quite the homebody.  But reading your post reminded me of how the only way to get there is to refocus on all the things we did right before.  For me that is counting calories and being steady on my workouts.    Looking forward to seeing us both get going in the right direction again!~

Terabyte
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 Posted: 22 June 2010 02:38 am
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Molly:  That's pretty funny that you feel the same way because I thought of you when I was talking about going out, on the boards you've always seemed the most similar to me when it comes to how you like to socialize/go out. 

Well, here's to us being able to get back into our cute on-the-town stuff and being able to do what we like again soon. 

Anyway, as far as my food/exercise went today, I am pretty happy with it.  I know I have a decent deficit (probably somewhere around 300.  I drank a lot of water, also got in a lot of walking/stairs at the hospital.  My pedometer says that I walked over 4.5 miles, so that's great!  I also did some modified pull-ups on the stairs at work to help work out my arms.  So I would count today as a success.  I would have been happier to have eaten a FEW less calories, but I am still cool with it.

With the hospital, I guess they are doing major restructuring and they hired a new Director of Social Services that is in charge of the social services departments at all 4 of the company hospitals.  He met with me and told me that it was his plan to have me be hired full-time at the hospital and he would be pitching this to the CEO.  We'll see what the CEO decides to do--the hospitals are all for-profit and i am much more expensive than say, the other "social worker" and I use that term loosely, because he is a horrible worker, ignores patients, doesn't document anything and straight up admitted that he doesn't like talking to patients or their families BUT he is very cheap, as he has no Master's degree, and i don't even know if he has a Bachelor's degree even, so they can get away with paying him like $12 an hour, whereas I am substantially more than that.  The new Director stated that he would prefer me to replace the other "social worker" but I don't know if the CEO will go for that because it would be an added expense.  And to be honest, I think the CEO probably cares more about the bottom line than quality of care, because, well, he's the CEO, he doesn't come to the hospitals, he doesn't interact with the staff or the patients--his job is to make sure the revenues are as high as possible and the expenditures are as low as possible.  So, we'll see what he decides.

And even though it probably sounds mean, honestly. that other "social worker" is an insult to the profession.  Anyone who straight up ignores their clients should not be a social worker (or a doctor, or a nurse, or a teacher, or in any type of helping profession).  I don't know how he even got hired in this position.  To be fair, he is from India and his handle on English isn't the best, so maybe he is shy or embarrassed about his language difficulties as opposed to just being a jerk and just plain not wanting to bother with the patients, but seriously, if someone's language skills are that bad, they shouldn't be in that position either, as the bulk of social work is meeting with people, talking with people, helping them navigate through their issues. 

I am just taking this position day by day though, as I was told previously by the hospital that they wanted me to hire me full-time and then they suddenly told me they didn't need my services anymore and now they are realizing they need my help again.  They are doing major restructuring in the social services department (as the hospital got popped twice for having subsstandard social services when they were visited by JCAHO --sp? --the licensing agency for hospitals).  I am not counting on them hiring me full-time.  If they do, wonderful, if they don't, that's fine too.  I am just happy to have work right now that is so close to my house and that pays so well. 

:cool::cool:

My first day back went really well overall, and it was a great day overall.  And it's good to be back here too.  This website has always helped me stay on-track.


Terabyte
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 Posted: 22 June 2010 11:18 am
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I was very tired after my first day back at work, so I fell asleep pretty early (around 9:30pm).  I made myself do a little bit of yoga (just 8 minutes) before bed, so that felt nice and calming.

Now I am up at 4:00am for whatever reason!  That happens sometimes.  I am still kind of tired, so I will probably go back to bed within the next 30 minutes or so, but I was tired of just laying there (I woke up from sleep probably around 3:00am). 

I weighed myself and i weigh 162.6 #.  I am pretty sure my body released a lot of water and sodium yesterday, so that's good.  I have a lot of extracurricular stuff I want to get done today--I want to do my laundry and get a pedicure and I need to pick up some bathroom supplies.  Hopefully I can work all that plus my work duties into my day smoothly. 

I decided that if I can stick to my fitness goals this week, by Saturday I want to go out and buy myself a new outfit to wear to this party this weekend. 

My goal for today is to keep my calorie maximum at 1,350.  That is pretty low for me, but I am sure I can do it if I focus on eating mostly whole/healthy foods. 

I also want to get in some resistance training, at least one muscle group. 

Oh yes, I started doing to meditation again, a more prayer-like session in the morning and a more silent session at night.  I like it, it feels good! 

Terabyte
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 Posted: 22 June 2010 03:14 pm
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Ah, fell back asleep and had interesting dreams!  Weighed myself again around 7:45am and the sale said 161.2.  I am sure that is just more water weight gone, but I will still take it.  I think my water weight has probably stabilized now at this point, having shed basically 4 pounds in a day. 

I planned out my meals for the day; I am going to have raisins and almonds for snacks throughout the day.   I am going to have chicken soup and yogurt for dinner.  For breakfast, I am not sure what I want, but I can make this a bigger meal...

I will decide once I get to the drugstore and see what looks good, but I have to cap out at 530 calories.  No more than that!


cportwine
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 Posted: 22 June 2010 06:27 pm
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HI, I came in here to see what you have been up to and I am glad I did. I am going to start planning my meals out again. Maybe that will help me with this stupid gain that I can't turn around.

Thanks! :grin:

Terabyte
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 Posted: 23 June 2010 04:24 am
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Planning it out does help because then you know exactly what you need to do and you just follow your own orders! 

I was able to meet my goal of eating 1,340 or less today, as I ate the following:

tuna sandwich-430
raw almonds--120
raisins--90
shortbread butter cookies--225
juice--130
gummie vitamins--10
calcium chew--20
yogurt--170
chicken soup--110
gum--5

TOTAL: 1,310

I also drank a lot of water, about 75 ounces, which is what I should be getting!  It really helps for me to drink a big glass in the morning and in the evening, as that takes care of 30 ounces right there!  Then I just drink it throughout the day and it's easy to get it all in. 

Today was good at the hospital, a lot of stupid political stuff going on, I am trying to just navigate through that and just focus on my work, but it pops up here and there.  That #%@&! is so annoying.  I am glad I have a reasonable boss right now. 

As for getting all my tasks done today, I was able to get supplies at the drugstore, but the pedicure and laundry did not happen.  Maybe tomorrow!  I would like to get at least one of those done tomorrow!

Did morning prayer and evening meditation.  The morning prayer felt good and inspired, the evening meditation kept getting gunked up with work thoughts, it was a struggle to keep my mind just on the rhythm of my breathing.   I gave it a good try though! 

I noticed that I had a lot of good feeling energy today.  I did not have any caffeine, not even green tea.  I am on Day 7 of my cycle, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I definitely noticed it and appreciated it.  Hopefully I can have more of the same tomorrow! 

:smile:

Terabyte
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 Posted: 23 June 2010 04:26 am
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I forgot to mention, I got in some good activity at work, over 4.25 miles on my pedometer just from walking around and going up and down the stairs at work.  Also did some resistance training using the stairs.  A few of my coworkers saw me and giggled at me, but that's ok.  I am sure it looked funny.  One of them was a really handsome nurse and he flirted with me a lot later in the day so I guess he liked what he saw! :cool:

Terabyte
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 Posted: 23 June 2010 04:27 am
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Oh and also I want to point that 1,310 is a very low calorie day for me.  I am really happy that I pulled it off.

:smile::smile::smile::smile:

Terabyte
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 Posted: 23 June 2010 02:56 pm
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Well, the scale stated that I weigh 159 lbs this morning.  I am very happy to see weight in the 150s.  My goal for the day is to eat no more than 1,500 calories.  Tomorrow, I am going to prep for my 36-hour fast starting Thursday (Thursday evening to Saturday morning).  I have been doing a lot of research online regarding fasting and it appears that a weekly fast of 24 to 36 hours is beneficial for weight loss (which is my top priority) but also for detoxing the body, increasing mental clarity, and, if one is so inclined, connecting to the more primal/or and spiritual side of one's self/life/the universe.  These are also things that sound good to me! 

I drank a big glass of water this morning, as I am trying to develop this habit, and I note that again I feel full of a happy energy, and it is VERY enjoyable.

I am meeting with my boss today at work and I need to tell him some things about this coworker that is being inappropriate.  My boss already knows this person is highly inappropriate, as I have witnessed him have arguments with her to put her in her place twice already and that was on the first day I met him.  I really want this woman (the inappropriate one to)

1) die
2) radically change her behavior
3) get fired/laid off
4) quit

Any of those would be great for me.  This woman is so unbelievably mean and inappropriate with everyone, I marvel at how she still works there.  I have thought about her diagnosis using the DSM-IV and the closest I could come to would be Anti-Social Personality Disorder, but mostly she is just a bully and a really mean person.  I have only met one other person who was like this (again in a work setting).  That particular woman claimed to be bipolar (which is a diagnosis that seriously gets overused a lot in my opinion, as does ADHD, as does Asperger's), but she tended to use her diagnosis as an excuse for grossly mistreating other people.  I actually have a friend who was also diagnosed bipolar, and it appears to be an accurate diagnosis, but my friend is a very sweet woman and even though she has her periods of mania and depression, she never hurts other people or acts like a jerk. 

A phenomenon I have noticed, and one that I try to carefully consider when I am working with patients or clients, is that once a person is informed they have a psychological/psychiatric disorder, once they are labelled, there is a tendency for that person to give all their power over to the disorder and completely identify with the diagnosis and make it defining for them as a person.  (I believe there is actually a name for this, I think i learned in my Sociology courses, called Labelling Theory---who would have guessed it was called that right?  :wink:).  The person then relates everything back to their diagnosis,and it becomes their focal point for everything.  They will then sometimes "give up" trying to better themselves or have healthy relationships or have a satisfying job, etc. They will give up taking care of themselves, engage in self-destructive behavior or behavior that is destructive toward others and then if anyone calls them on this behavior pattern they will say

I can't help it, I'm _______________ (fill in the blank: depressed, bipolar, whatever)

or I can't help it, I have _____________________________ (PTSD, Asperger's ADHD, etc.) 

I always hate to tell people their diagnosis because of this tendency people have, so when I do I always try to explain that a diagnosis is just a description of their current behavior, it's not something written in stone, it's not some big powerful entity unto itself, and furthermore these diagnoses change every few years, as men and women in their ivory towers decide what is now considered a disorder and what isn't, homosexuality used to be a disorder and now isn't for example, and mostly it's helpful for billing and a reference point for how to treat/deal with the problem but it's NOT who the person is in any way shape or form and it is not license to act in unacceptable ways. 

Granted, there are some people that have very severe mental disorders such as a severe case of schizophrenia where the person isn't even oriented to time/place/person (i.e. they don't know who they are, where they are, or what is going on), but even these cases have been shown to respond in more "sane" ways when they are treated more like a "sane" person and not avoided or told they are crazy.  For example, there is a guy at the hospital right now, I don't know what his diagnosis is because he hasn't been seen by our psychiatrist yet, but he is constantly in the hallway mumbling to himself about other countries, lawsuits, previous wars, the devil,h.ell!, etc.  Sometimes something will rub him the wrong way--and there's no telling what this might be--and he will start yelling and screaming, lunging at other patients or staff, etc.  If people yell back or crowd around him, he gets more agitated, but if someone approaches him calmly and says let's talk in your room, what's wrong, what happened,  he will usually calm down, get to a place where he kind of makes sense and will usually ask for a soda or a cigarette or ice cream and then he will be okay.  I guess it's kind of like dealing with a little kid sometimes. 

But anyway, with my private practice client, I never tell her what I had to diagnose her as (because I have to put down something for billing).  If she ever asks me, I will tell her, but for the most part she is well adjusted, she just has some recurring nightmares about the molestation she went through.  (Which I think is pretty normal and understandable).  I don't want her (or anyone) to think of themselves as a diagnosis.  It can make people feel like they are damaged goods when they are given a diagnosis, like they aren't normal or capable of being normal. 

Last edited on 24 June 2010 03:44 am by Terabyte

Terabyte
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 Posted: 24 June 2010 03:43 am
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Another GREAT day food and exercise wise!  I got in about 4 miles of walking, plus did some yoga (not much, probably only about 2 minutes or so, but still, something) and did a lot of stair climbing today, plus I carried my full laundry basket for about a quarter of a mile.  Which means that YES I managed to do my laundry.  The pedicure mission is for tomorrow or over the weekend.  :smile:

I also managed to meet my goal of eating 1500 calories or less.  Here is what I ate:

1) cottage cheese, honey, and strawberries for breakfast and dinner--670.  By the way, this is absolutely delicious and really, really easy to make.  Just get a bowl of cottage cheese, pour honey on it and put fresh strawberries in it. For dinner I actually took some strawberries, mashed them with a fork and let them sit in a bowl all day getting juicy and added that to my cottage cheese and honey for dinner.  REALLY GOOD and really great if you like meals with minimal prep time.

2) raw almonds: 40

3) gummie vitamins and some Juice Plus tablets they were handing out free at work: 40

4) strawberries: 30

5) two pieces of Hawaiian pizza they had at work: 520

6) raisins: 90

For a grand total of 1,420 calories!  YAY!!!!

And it was great because I still got to enjoy the pizza they had at work.  Incidentally, we had the pizza at work because it was one of the nurse's Melanie's birthday.  She is Filipina and she stated that in her culture, it is customary to treat OTHER people when it is YOUR birthday, so she bought like six large pizzas for the hospital staff.  I thought that was pretty cool and interesting.  It made me want to do something similar on my birthday.  BUT I plan to take my birthday off if I am working at that time, so maybe I would just do it the day before.  Because not working is my gift to myself on my birthday.  :yum:   That is, if I am employed, otherwise every d.amn day is my birthday. 

I also stayed well hydrated, which I am happy about and the thing I am most pleased about is that I bought a Hostess Cherry Pie, which is one of my most favorite desserts, this morning at the gas station when I filled up my car.  After I bought it, I was actually craving cottage cheese more, so I went to the store and bought that and ate it.

When I came home, I wanted the cottage cheese dish again, so I ate that and then I DID want to eat the fruit pie.  But I knew that if I ate it, it would put be WAY over my calories for the day---those suckers have 480 calories a pop!  So I considered eating it anyway and just making up for it tomorrow by having a way lower calorie limit tomorrow (like 1,020).  But I decided no just save the pie for tomorrow and work it into my day like I did with the pizza today.  And I went and brushed my teeth, drank a big glass of water (like i usually do at night--I bookend my day with big glasses of water) and put the pie away out of sight to be enjoyed tomorrow. 

That is a really big deal for me to be able to do that.  I am really proud of myself that I did and I know i will feel fantastic when I go to sleep tonight knowing that I said no to that pie!  :tongue:  And it will taste all that much sweeter tomorrow when I don't have to feel guilty about it!

You can't buy a feeling like that. 

****

As for work-related things, my new boss is actually trying to make a case against that really inappropriate woman I told you all about.  With any luck, she will be terminated or moved out of our facility soon.  I heard through the grapevine that she was sent to our hospital from another hospital in the network because she had #%@&! off the staff there so much, they decided to do a lateral transfer.  I guess she is friends with the CEO and that is why she is still employed, but it's pretty clear that the staff at this hospital has had just about enough of her as well so hopefully she can move on to yet another of our hospitals or just get canned altogether.  But if she's that friendly with the CEO, maybe he'll just move to another hospital again. 

I got a lot of compliments from the nurses at work, with them telling me they were glad I was back and they missed me.  They all told me they hoped I would be hired there full-time as I made their jobs a lot easier because I was good at helping calm the patients down (we have a heavy psych population at the hospital even though we aren't a psych hospital formally).  That felt really nice to hear.  It made my day.  Even the security guard Jamal that I am friendly with said that he hoped they would hire me because I was a good worker.  I told him thank you and asked him what made him say that and he replied that he watched how I was with the patients and the staff and he could tell I was a good worker and a compassionate, nice person.  "Like a social worker," he said. 

I was really surprised and of course VERY pleased that he said that to me.  It made me think that I really can do a good job anywhere, whether it's with kids in foster care or with patients or whatever.  Obviously the population I work now is really different than the population I worked with before, but the same basic rules apply--stand up for them, listen to them, treat them with respect.  It's all pretty simple, but everyone reacts pretty darn well when you do that!

:lightbulb:

who would have guessed, right? 



Terabyte
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 Posted: 24 June 2010 04:41 am
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I am making my own ice cream.  I had some heavy cream I had bought to eat with my strawberries, but then I didn't know what to do with the rest of the cream and I wanted to put it to good use.

So I poured it in a bowl and mixed in peanut butter and honey and put it in the freezer.  I think the bowl has like 1,100 calories in it because heavy cream is super dense in calories.  But I will taste it tomorrow and see what I think.  If it's good, I will let you know.


Terabyte
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 Posted: 24 June 2010 04:04 pm
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That ice cream was VERY hard when I went to get it out of the freezer this morning.  It is now defrosting on the counter so I can try it.  What I could scrape off so far tasted mostly like butter.  Butter's good, but I wouldn't sit and eat a bowl of it (me not pig!!!)

The scale stated that I weighed 159.2 this morning with a body fat percentage of 33.5%.  This is a small gain in weight since yesterday, but it has to be either water (as I ate pizza which is high in sodium) or muscle as I definitely had a deficit yesterday for sure for sure. 

Anyway, today my goal is to keep it under 1500 calories and to eat clean (i.e. no chemicals in my food, at least to the best of my knowledge).  That means no fast food, no processed food, etc. 

I have my food planned out for the day and it is to include:
1) strawberries
2) cottage cheese
3) honey
4) raisins
5) almonds
6) celery
7) peanut butter
8) orange juice (I found some at the store that has no HFCS)
9) my ice cream that I made that I know only contains cream, honey and peanut butter

So there you have it.  I am going to do a fast starting tonight and going to Saturday morning and my research indicates that it is best to eat clean both prepping and coming off of a fast.  So, even though it's not a long fast (somewhere around 36 hours), I want to eat clean beforehand.  Plus, that will also be good for me anyway.

This morning I had celery and peanut butter for breakfast and it was REALLY good.  The celery gives a nice, satisfying crunch and the peanut butter is DELICIOUS.  Again, this is a great food for those of you who like meals with minimal prep time.  i will be honest, before I bought it and made it, I was craving French bread (which would also be fine for me to eat, but I am REALLY trying to get in more fruit, veggies, and protein, lord knows I eat enough carbs as it is!!) and luckily as soon as I ate that peanut butter and celery it killed my French bread craving, it made me happy and satisfied, and as I sit here typing this, I am once again feeling very proud of myself.  That is a great feeling!

Work today should be pretty awesome as that one horrible chick isn't going to be there.  :grin:


Terabyte
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 Posted: 25 June 2010 04:48 am
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Well, I didn't QUITE meet my calorie goal for the day, having consumed about 1,630.  That is 130 over what I wanted to eat, but I still have a deficit, which is good.  I did manage to eat clean; this is what I had

1) spaghetti with meat and carrots
2) cinnamon doughnut
3) celery with peanut butter
4) strawberries
5) tuna salad sandwich on wheat
6) orange juice

I admit, the doughnut probably was unneccessary but it was a fresh doughnut, not a preservative-laden one.

When I say "clean" I mean free of chemicals at least as far as I know.  So that means no fast food, most candy (unless its higher quality candy), no things that have weird things I can't pronounce in their list of ingredients.

The sandwich doughnut and spaghetti were all FREE FREE FREE at my work.  So that was really pretty cool!

I was able to get in 2.5 miles of walking and I did some modified pull-ups on the stairs at work. 

I started my fast at 5:00pm today and I changed my plans and think I will go until 5:00pm tomorrow.  I plan to break my fast with a serving of cottage cheese and strawberries, which should be about 300 calories, so that will be good for the day.

Then, if i can keep my calories lower on Saturday, perhaps around 1,070 I should be in pretty good shape.  It also honestly depends on the results I get body composition-wise over the next day or two that will determine what I decide to do with my calories on Saturday.  If the scale/my tape measure/my clothes/the mirror tell me something really nice on Saturday morning, I might increase my calories to 1,500.  But 1,070 IS doable, especially if I stick to really healthy foods, mostly fruits and vegetables and protein.  We'll see what happens.

Weight tonight was 162 even.  That is about a 2.8 pound gain since this morning's weigh-in.

To be honest, I could have done without the doughnut.  That's probably the only thing I would have changed about today.  Or I could have done without the other half of the tuna salad sandwich.  That would have put me well back into my calorie range if I had foregone either one of those.  Oh well, it's already done!  I have a deficit even though it's not as big as I wanted.

At work, there is a new and very beautiful coworker that has graced the hospital with his presence.  I hope to see more of him around.  He is something else!  And tomorrow I get to work with him all day.   Woo hoo!   Not only is he handsome, but I see him work and I like the way he is with the patients; he is nice and humorous and friendly and respectful but he can get serious with a patient too when they are getting out of hand.  I also like that he swears a lot (not around patients of course), but when we are in the office together, he curses like a sailor.  I like it!  I like a man with a filthy mouth.  :devil:

Phoebe
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Location: Bear Valley, Wisconsin USA
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 Posted: 25 June 2010 12:12 pm
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Straylight-
 
Good to see you back posting.  I smile every time I read about your work perspective. I could not be happier you are doing what you do, keep up the good work.
 "Obviously the population I work now is really different than the population I worked with before, but the same basic rules apply--stand up for them, listen to them, treat them with respect.  It's all pretty simple, but everyone reacts pretty darn well when you do that!"
That stament rocks and says it all.

Ice cream= frozen bananas.  Quarter a few bananas, put in freezer 4+ hours. Throw in a food processor, you can add a touch of milk or cream, soy milk or coconut milk or not.  Also you could add a dab of peanut butter or chocolate, or cocoa.  One thing you really don't need to add is a sweetener.  I have been just eating the frozen bananas without taking the time to grind them up.  Kills the sweet craving and taste as good as ice cream.

Terabyte
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 Posted: 25 June 2010 03:58 pm
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Phoebe thanks for the tip!  I will keep that in mind! 

This morning, the scale said I weighed 158 even.  158 has been my bottom weight for months and months now.  If I can break past it, I will be so happy.  I am pretty sure I will by tomorrow because I am fasting until 5:00pm today and I plan to just eat fairly lightly (cottage cheese and strawberries) after that.  MAYBE a glass of wine after work, but that will all be no more than 500 calories, which is great for the day and will definitely give me a big huge deficit.  What I REALLY want is to go out with my hot coworker after work for a drink so we'll see it that materializes.  He needs a name.  Let us call him The Hospital Adonis.:cool:

I did have some gummie vitamins though, as it is my habit to eat those every day, whether I am fasting or not.

I did some squats this morning.  I read that when you do squats you should go all the way down, like you are picking something up off the floor, as that is the main reason why you would squat in the first place.  I read that doing shallower squats can weaken your hamstrings.

I also took a walk around the block this morning.  It felt good to greet the day like that.

Had a big glass of water as usual.  I need to make sure I stay very hydrated today.  Yesterday I got caught up with work and didn't do so well with the hydration.

Meditation continues to go well.  It feels really nice.  I do it in the evening after nightfall and I turn off all the lights in my flat and enjoy the darkness. 




mollymoo24
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 Posted: 26 June 2010 01:57 am
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The Hospital Adonis cannot resist...no man can...  :grin:

Thanks for the inspiration to meditate...

Terabyte
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 Posted: 26 June 2010 03:14 am
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I barely got to see the Hospital Adonis, it was really busy at work today.  I did get to talk to him after work for about 15 minutes on the phone, which was cool.  We talked about all work-related stuff, but it was still good, a nice conversation. 

My fast went well, I completed 24 hours.  I broke the fast with almonds.

Then, I ate a lot--I think it would probably count as a binge, and that probably *wasn't* s great, but it's already done.

I ate:

2 servings of cottage cheese with honey and strawberries
2 servings of cottage cheese with honey and raisins
2 glasses of wine
1 hostess fruit pie

Luckily since I had fasted all day, my binge only put me at 1,440 calories for the whole day, which still creates a good deficit for the day, as I did some yoga, walked about 3.5 miles and also did a lot of stair climbing as well as the squats I mentioned earlier.

Still though, I don't like to binge like that.  Hopefully my next fast will go a bit better!

Either way, I am happy.  I weighed myself after the binge and I weighed 161.2 pounds.  This is about a 3.2 gain since this morning's weigh-in.

We shall see what I will weigh tomorrow morning.  I am hoping to have broken past the 158 mark.  Even 157.9 would make me SOOO HAPPY.  :cool:


Terabyte
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 Posted: 26 June 2010 08:52 am
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Sheesh, I went into a food coma (and i am SURE the alcohol helped on this one) and woke up at midnight feeling REALLY thirsty.

I got up, drank half a glass of water (about 6 ounces) and weighed myself again.  This time I weighed 159.4 lbs.

This is really good.  I am really hoping to weigh less than 158 tomorrow morning (and I mean morning morning when I wake up for the day, as I know technically it's morning now, but I don't consider 2am "morning".

Tomorrow I go to see my private practice client.

Oh yes!

I forgot to mention: I officially started my very own private practice; I am a business owner!!!!  :cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool:

I just have the one client for now, which suits me fine working at the hospital full-time.  And it is all completely official, my business is registered with the IRS, I have a business license, and all that cr.ap you have to do to officially own a business.  I started seeing this client in May.  She is a young woman in foster care who is getting adopted.   I actually had worked with her before when I was employed at the foster family agency and she wanted to continue seeing me for therapy even though I was no longer with the agency.  So it all worked out!  I see her in her home on a weekly basis on Saturdays.





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