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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 February 2009 05:42 am |
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I don't know what I'm doing different. Yes I do. I've been bingeing all #%@&! day for like, three days straight. And yet, I've lost a few inches. 1.25" off my left thigh, oh my god. I was so happy I wanted to cry. And my hips stayed 39.5, but that's nice considering last time I measured I was dehydrated and sick and today, I'm bloated and full of cookies. I haven't exercised properly since Wednesday, though Thursday night I did 13 mins of weights before my shower. I figured, why not? I gotta shower anyway. I think I'll start doing that from now on, lifting if I didn't work out in the morning.
Covered in bruises from stupid injuries. Like opening a wood door at the same split second I lift my knee to go inside. I thought I broke my kneecap. Then I was scraping my car and slid on the solid ice surrounding it. Now the SIDE of my knee is black, too. Then, this is the weirdest. I was laying on the floor, sick from an overdose of sunchips. The cat starts clawing my hair, so I turn my head away and the little tab in my ear gets caught on the corner of my mattress. I mean, for crying out loud!
I've made myself a binge form that reads food desired, date and time, situation, and steps I'm going to take at that moment to divert it. Hopefully that'll work. I've always had weblog pages of things I could do instead. I wouldn't mind renting some scary movies. Maybe confront some outlandish fears in the meantime. Like werewolves....
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 February 2009 05:14 am |
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You know what? You should speak your mind.....and often. I do the same thing you do and hold it all in. Well, I say the #%@&! with that....say it! and say it loud....
I like to listen to allot of devia music when in this mood...it gives me strength. I usually do allot of pat benatar, j-low, pink, etc.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 February 2009 01:38 pm |
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| I think you should go for it. Next time when you can say something inappropriate, do it. Just blurt it out and see what happens. I doubt anyone is going to be to upset by it.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 February 2009 08:25 pm |
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I either need to get better or straight up get sick, this is ridiculous. I almost always have little twinges of nausea in my stomach and my lower digestive tract seems to be on constant standby. Today I was in Big Lots and I broke out into a sweat all of a sudden. I don't know what the temp is but I wore jeans and a thin t-shirt, some other people had jackets here and there. Then when I was about to check out at walmart 20 minutes later, I started feeling like I was gonna spew all over the bag of catfood in my cart. So I hustled over to the register and remembered I parked my car really far away "because it's a nice day, and it's a small amount of exercise." Gosh. I've noticed that these situations get worse when you drink powerade zero. You think they'd get a teeeeny bit better, but I guess not. I'd like to blame the produce I got at walmart. The lettuce, apples, and bananas taste weird. That's what I get for passing up cookies though, isn't it?
Birthday's in two days. Kill me now. Today was me trying in vain to spend the $50 my dad gave me. Can you believe it? I couldn't find anything in Kohl's I wanted, $5 of stuff at biglots, and $12 of household stuff at walmart. So I put it on my walmart card, I know I'll use the cash somewhere. Probably Wendy's or McDonald's. I don't know about you guys, but after a chicken nugget kid's meal and a diet coke I was stuffed for three hours. I really miss chicken selects, though :( I'm always like $1 short when I want them, and the groceries around here don't sell edible strips.
I guess one good thing is coming out of this. I'm no longer eating massive amounts at night. I do get a good amount of calorie-dense small snacks in the afternoon, though...like Lindt truffles...which I should have bought today, because the bag I ate was my stepdad's....
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 February 2009 05:49 pm |
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I made myself a beautiful nutrigrain waffle with calorie-free butter spray and calorie-free maple syrup. It was all warm and toasty and I retreated into my room to eat it.
So what do I do?
I dropped it on the mother #%@&!ing FLOOR!
I'm considering having my hands cut off, since they can't do their job properly.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 February 2009 07:09 pm |
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LOLOLOLOL, oh my god......that was so funny... 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 February 2009 09:44 pm |
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Old news, but I still hate my sister. So I wrote her a letter she'll never see!
I am just so fed up with you being so condescending. Guess what? You're 310 pounds, 30 years old, and in COMMUNITY COLLEGE. You're not hot sh1t. #%@&!ing go home and cook your own food. I am so sick of you bitching about being so poor and how we have to pay your bills and you're on welfare and you're always brooooke. Well guess what? You spent $50 at walmart today on food, so how broke can you #%@&!ing BE? I'm so OVER how you hang around our house every day expecting to be fed. You know what you need? To stop eating. For five months. Don't ever sit there and try to explain calories and glycemic index to me until you've dropped down to at least 150 pounds, you worthless sack of #%@&!. You aren't losing weight, your jeans are #%@&!ing spandex. Just the act of you sitting down stretches them out considerably. So please, quit pulling out the back of your waistband in direct proximity to me, because no one wants to see a single inch of your disgusting flabby skin. Please move to Colorado like you said you were going to...three years ago.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 February 2009 10:31 pm |
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| Today's my first full day as a 20 year old. Well, technically that ended at 12:35 pm. My mom had a grocery list and she doesn't exactly love shopping so I did it for her. I got all her stuff and for myself I got 70-cal wheat bread that I loooove, rainbow chips deluxe cookies, lightly salted sunflower chips, and butter-kettle microwave popcorn. Not the healthiest food but I've been craving it. I got home and pretty much started stuffing it all in my face like I was trying to hide the evidence or something. I've been trying to gulp down some raspberry lemonade because it makes my stomach kinda full and sore, which ought to discourage all sugar ingestion. It's 5 cals a glass, so I'm pretty free with it. I weigh myself and I see the 6 turn into a 9 and I think, "at least it's not 140" but sometimes it's been a fifth of a pound away from that. I got two new albums recently, I'll try to listen to them while...dun dun dun...working out tomorrow. I skipped 12 days in a row. Yeesh.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 February 2009 04:04 pm |
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| Ash, good luck getting back into your exercise routine. I have been fighting the binge issue lately too, but not doing so well, so I don't really have any advice on that part of it. Just keep being aware, I guess, and trying to derail those bingy feelings when they start.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 February 2009 02:36 am |
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My body fat went down 0.3% this week, and my measurements are the same. I've been eating whatever I wanted! No working out since Feb 4th! My god, you don't suppose I have diabetes, do you? I'm really dehydrated, according to the texture of my lips, but I don't really have a thirst, per se. In fact, I only drink like two cups of water a day if I don't sit down and make myself. And you know, I've been awfully sedentary the past week. I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series, so that's laying in bed for several hours a day. I noticed I spend very, very little time in front of computer and tv screens when I'm in the reading zone. I turn the tv on to eat dinner and I log on once every couple days if I feel like it.
I know I need to start exercising again. Maybe I'll just do half an hour of varied-level resistance training on my bike until I get used to it again.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 March 2009 05:59 am |
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| I hit 143.0 tonight. I'm so freaking embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I have a mind to put on all my tight clothes and take pics, but then they'll be stretched out and they won't fit right if I do lose the weight. I'm gonna wake up, immediately have two cups of water, and when my mom leaves for work I'll go back to working out. I always say that but 143? That's ridiculous. I was 136.8 two weeks ago. It's freaking MID-MARCH. What happened to "December 31st is my last day of living like a trashy pig"? What happened to "20th birthday = start of something new"? God. I make me sick.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 March 2009 10:36 pm |
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I wasn't sure whether that big gain was just water weight or fat, but it turned out to be water. I woke up 139.8. WORKED OUT (yeah, I know!) and had a Healthy Choice for breakfast. I wanted fish but I didn't have any thawed, this was the closest thing. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that their barbecue sauce doesn't taste like death, like some potato chips do. So that was adequate.
The side mirror on my car got knocked off in OCTOBER and I am STILL waiting for a way to fix it. I've tried doing it myself but I can't find the plug to just buy a whole new unit. Gorilla glue is a no-go. I forgot to look for epoxy at walmart, which I just came back from an hour ago. I just feel like trash driving around in a car like that. The crater in the side from god-knows-what, the smashed headlight from the stop sign (long story) and now my freaking mirror. It's just everything all at once. And my car makes rumbling noises now, it used to be virtually silent. It's an old car and when I get a freaking JOB I'm going to buy a new freaking car first thing. I have savings for food and everything else I could need.
I haven't used the internet in a while because I was busy reading for a week and when I got back on I had a #%@&! virus. It ruined my internet but in the end I got rid of it, so here I am. I guess we're all caught-up now.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 March 2009 10:40 pm |
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My car mirror's fixed and I worked out for the third morning in a row today. I had some generic doritos with salsa, which I figured was 340 calories. That'll be today's indulgence. Chicken for dinner, that can't be bad. I'm craving pepper and garlic powder.
I applied for a job at Cedar Point, which is a freaking dream job for me. I'd have to move three hours a way for a few months but that's just fine with me. Give me a taste of what it's like to live on my own. Well, away from home at least. I've been hoarding things 'for when I move out' and I didn't have the heart to put them back. If I get this job, it'll pay off. Matching toothpaste and mouthwash makes everyone happy.
I had an idea to make breakfast sandwiches for dinner. I'll definitely have to wait now that I've had all that cheese and oil. They'll each consist of a slice of diet bread, half an egg, and one strip of bacon cut into halves. For both it would be 210 calories—and you get BACON! Hello! Calorie-wise I don't see a reason to refuse it if you only have it like once a month anyway. And as for cholesterol and sodium, read an egg carton ): For some reason I bought turkey bacon for a couple months and it's not worth it if we rarely eat it and my family doesn't like it.
Slow days like this on the weekends make me want to get out and do something. But when they're cloudy on top of all that, like today, I want to swing by Kroger for a pint of ice cream and rent tv shows on dvd. But the movie rental place shut down and I have diet ice cream I could be eating right here in the freezer....
Edit: a lot of my measurements went up. The important ones, mostly. I don't know what I'm doing! A couple measurements are the highest they've ever been (while I recorded them, obviously). I'll give it a couple weeks of exercise plus whatever food, though I will make a conscious effort to resist. But we all know how well that works at the best of times.
Last edited on 16 March 2009 05:12 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 March 2009 02:22 am |
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Today I was kinda productive. Woke up, worked out, showered, dusted my furniture, vacuumed the carpet, cleaned the litter box, took out the trash, took my name off the capital one mailing list. I should have done more because I ended up eating bad food anyway. I resisted an iced cupcake earlier. Then I had like, three servings of dry lucky charms and two in a bowl with soymilk. And three frozen fish portions and a heap of fries. BUT. Now I'm having a bunch of diet pepsi so I can at least counteract the salt bloat. Still, fourth workout in a row, eh? Not bad. I'd love to finish out the month.
I should buy some latex gloves next time I see them (which is often...ever since dissection in bio2, I see them everywhere) so I can put on some lotion and heal my hands. They seriously loo like a 90 year old's. Not MY grandma's, though she probably uses some secret designer stuff from France. The sky blue polish makes them look a little younger though.
I took a picture of my neck to see whether I had a new mole, since the mirror didn't help. I realized I have a combination of puffed-out cheeks and crazy cheekbones. I'm also one of those people who can NEVER get a picture showing what they see in the mirror. I don't know what it is. But this one comes close.
http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/5048/notbadh.jpg
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 20 March 2009 01:46 am |
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Tuesday I was a good girl, I ate 1,200 calories and no more.
Wednesday I was bad. I had popcorn, a frosted cupcake, a few handfuls of peanut butter pretzels, a lot of cheese and caramel rice cakes, and a medium fry from Mcdonald's.
Today I woke up at 5:45 am because of the dog. I put him out and he wouldn't come in until nearly 8. Finally got back to bed. Woke up momentarily a few times and finally got up at 3:15. Yeesh. Worked out, showered, made my usual breakfast. I don't think it would kill me to make the mixed fruit portion the night before. So far I've had 641 calories and since it's 8:30, I'm not sure how many I'll have total.
Last edited on 20 March 2009 07:50 pm by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 March 2009 02:16 am |
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Don't tell anyone, but I spent $10 on binge food at Aldi. I'm done with it now, though. Still a billion calories.
I need to have some goals or something to look forward to.
Now—April 1st: lose 5 pounds of salt bloat and water weight.
April 18th: fit into my black work pants in case they call me to go back to work.
May 16th: fit into size 29 boys shorts for Cedar Point.
I think they're very reasonable goals. And in case that pair of jeans at Kohl's ever goes on clearance, I tried them on today so I know what size (11!!!) Hopefully it'll be another three years. I saw a girl at school wearing them and I searched ebay for months and months and finally found them at Goody's and then Kohl's. I doubt they'll ever stop selling them. I need to lose weight in my upper thighs and my butt needs to stop being droopy. About the shorts...I used to wear a 29 comfortably and when I put some on today I had to put them at the tiniest part of my waist which of course caused certain lines at my crotch area. I can't believe how much weight I've put on. I can't believe I freaking binged with my cash. That was supposed to be gas money. I pulled into the gas station but I did it the wrong way and I just got embarrassed and left. Maybe I'll do it later tonight when it's deserted.
Tonight I stuffed four green tea bags into a 1Q water bottle and poured in hot water. I plan to drink all four cups tonight because of the horror that was this evening. Ooh, I just noticed on my calendar—today was day eight of consecutive workouts! Hooray. And two of those days also got a blue dot meaning I didn't go over 1,200 calories. I should plan out menus...the less excuses I have, the less opportunities I have to slip up.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 March 2009 11:35 pm |
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My wallet is now empty of cash, my brother put gas in my car, my walmart card is living under my post-it dispenser in my desk, and all my change is in my piggy bank.
I feel so freaking sick. I knew I would, part of it is intentional. First, I ate whatever I wanted this afternoon. I made a dozen diet cookies (no flour/sugar). They weren't that good. I had more chips from yesterday and some french toast sticks. Then dinner was Lee's chicken. But enough is enough. I have a headache, I look six months pregnant, and I feel like puking. I've been drinking a quart of green tea but that wasn't exactly smart. Weigh-in is tomorrow night...what was I thinking?
Speaking of which, I'm now gonna post my stats on here in addition to my private LiveJournal. And probably pics. This is more for my own humiliation than anything and any other outcome regarding other members of this board is entirely coincidental.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 March 2009 06:27 am |
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Hey, Ash, you snuck back on here when I wasn't looking! Sorry to hear things have gotten out of control for you. I hope you can get back to being focused and get to the weight you want to be. I too ate some junk today, knowing full well I plan to weigh in tomorrow... eating oreos and ice cream the day before is definitely not productive! Actually, I checked the scale earlier today and wish I would have used that weigh-in but that wouldn't be honest... guess I'll have to suck it up and accept either no loss or even a gain this week instead of the loss I thought I would have...
Your pic is cute. I take the worst pics ever, sometimes I am thinking WHAT? I was there, that's not how I looked at all...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 March 2009 09:07 pm |
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NERVOUS!
This morning the advertiser had the ad for the ice cream place I worked at. First applications are tomorrow morning so I'm going first thing when I wake up. I wonder why they didn't call me but there's no point worrying. My first thought when I hung up (my stepsister called me, I never read the advertiser so I wouldn't have known) was worry about my PANTS! The black ones I bought last year do NOT fit and I have two khakis, one 9 and one 11. The only pants that fit out of my four are the black ones from Christmas Eve, and I could still stand to lose a few since we tuck in our shirts.
Mannnn. Grapefruit dessert, anyone?
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 March 2009 02:28 am |
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Before I binge, I do think about work and seeing people I haven't in 5 months...but I keep forgetting my PANTS! I always felt they were obscenely tight and that men were staring at me, but I have pretty bad paranoia at times so I'll discredit that idea. I'm making a habit of doing a fruit salad at night with all the calories and everything posted in a notepad so I can grab it without a single worry in the morning.
My mom's leaving at 6 am tomorrow for...I think two weeks? Definitely one week at the least. That means I get to do dishes and take care of the dog in the morning and keep the kitchen semi-clean. I'm kind of excited to do it. I'm buying another one of those scrubbers with the dish soap right in the handle (we go through those like no one's business) and I dug out my chamois cloth so I can hopefully clean the fridge inside and out and the outer surface of the stove. We have that clorox surface spray that's safe for food and pet contact, I always want to use it on the countertops but they're covered in crumbs and mystery substances and...yeah. But if I get it clean tomorrow morning and keep it that way, we should be fine. By some mistake we have five dozen eggs, plenty of coffee and filters, a whole bag of nuggets, fresh bananas...I can't think of anything I'd need to grab at the grocery for me or my brother. I suspect we'll do mostly fast food dinners or pasta roni since I can't cook and we don't really talk, let alone cook for each other.
I also had a complete DUH moment tonight. I was digging in my closet for a new purse since my current one is a huge frustration and when I opened the suitcase, all my summer clothes were right there. I'd been wondering for two weeks where all my t-shirts went! Yeah, that's me sometimes. I doubt any fit. I should sell some of it on ebay. Now that I have a scale I can have a pretty good idea of postage cost before I get it shipped.
This morning I had a yogurt for breakfast, then went to the store to get more since it was my last one. I've been obsessing over Milky Way bars so I finally got one and ate it. I forget what else I had. Anyway, today was just food after food. But I exercised after the candy bar and it was just amazing. I did 26.3 miles and it said I burned 554 calories. My usual result is around 24.1 miles and 505 calories, so you can see what a difference today was. Am I the only person who pretends they're acting when they work out mostly to distract themselves? I like to pretend I'm a cop who has to be in good shape, chasing after people and such, and that on my breaks I have treadmill races with people. Umm....that might have been tmi. Or just plain embarrassing. But it works! You can tell yourself "I'm doing good, but [I've done/they're doing] better!" and you kick it up a notch. All that aside, I easily ate 3,000 calories today 
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 March 2009 03:33 am |
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I LOVE the idea of acting while working out. Maybe next time I go for a run, I will pretend to be a Baywatch Babe running down the beach... minus the perfect body, hair and tan of course!
Did you go down to the ice cream place? Hopefully they will have a job for you! Sorry to hear about your pants, but if you keep working out, I bet you can get back into them before it gets nice enough for the ice cream season!
Hope the kitchen sparkles~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 March 2009 08:17 pm |
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Hmm. The summer clothes came out today, which means the measuring tape did too. I make a note of the measurements of the clothes, then every week I can check my own and see if any new clothes fit. Ha, right? Anyway I also dragged out my swimsuit I've had for my third year now. The sun was really bright today, so blessing and curse.
http://img183.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=tankinifront.jpg
BLAH just awful. I got rid of those stupid brownie-cookie bars today. That's a thousand calories I can't possibly eat tomorrow. Also, I'm back to logging my calorie balance. It's terrible to know, but even worse to ignore. Example:
Thur Mar 26th
In: 2,584
Out: 533
Balance: +851
I take my rough RMR of 1,200 and subtract it from my intake, then subtract my output from that. I'd love to have a deficit of 700 everyday but I'm not sure I'm the right person for the job. If I don't eat anything else today and burn off 500 cals, I'd only have a deficit of 84. Curse my snacking habit!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 March 2009 09:34 pm |
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Agghhh where did all my calories go? I check my wordpad and suddenly it's 891 and I...am confused. I had my usual breakfast, a small lunch...gah. I made reduced-cal oatmeal cookies today. They're bland, floury, dry on the outside. I think I'll pitch them. I'll have to try really hard not to eat the refrigerated leftover dough. Or the frozen dough when I defrost it. I don't feel like exercising at the moment. I saw an infomercial for something called The Wave from the company The Firm and it looked so freaking awesome, and it was cheap too, like $60 before shipping. I couldn't see a single payment method on the screen during the whole half-hour, but I assumed they wouldn't take money orders anyway. And let's face it, everything has awful problems. Nothing on earth ever works how it should. I googled and apparently some come with sharp edges and they creak when they're used. Anything that creaks makes me POd. Seriously. So I suppose I'm glad I didn't buy it. It just looked so perfect. Cardio, optional weights, muscles all over the models. Of course, models are models, but I'm still in the denial stage where I think "I'm not THAT fat, I only need to lose a few. I bet I could be skinny in a month" which couldn't be farther from the truth. Sigh.
Today my stepdad came home and informed me my mom was coming home...THIS SUNDAY. Not NEXT SUNDAY. God. I need to learn to listen. But that's pressure off my shoulders. No meal planning...I guess that's it. I do her grocery shopping sometimes and I'll do dishes so long as she doesn't break the soap-inside scrubber. I bought two just to be safe.
So, at........holy cow, it's only 4:32? That's ridiculous. It feels like 6:50. I did wake up at 7 to take care of the dog but I was back in bed by 8:30! I slept 'til 11 I think. I cleaned like a madwoman. I even combed the dog. And it's only 4:30. Suffocating feeling...suffocating feeling....
I think I will sell all my clothes on ebay. I'm freaking fat and I just need to accept that they'll never fit because dietary change is too hard for me. I can easily eat perfectly all day but it seems like I can't get through a day without a binge. I just can't. It's awful.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 29 March 2009 06:56 am |
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ok, you are not that fat and you know it. in a month, you could make a lot of progress. i know how rough it is to stop binging, but you can do it if you decide that you absolutely positively will not binge. plan your meals for the day and stick to it completely. everytime you say "no" to that cookie or whatever, it gets easier. make it three days and it's tons easier. just three days and you will see...
you've got a great shape to go by. you look pretty proportionate- a month will bring you lots of improvement. just give it a month and you will see. for me right now, i know a month won't bring me to where i want to be, but i can certainly be 5-10 lbs closer... it's better than where i am now, right?
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 March 2009 10:55 pm |
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| Ash, I am so glad I stopped to check on you, because I too really needed to hear what Zen had to say about binging... so, let's both try to take that advice and move forward!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 March 2009 11:51 pm |
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I'm not entirely sure why but today's been fun. Stormy, rainy, windy, those things don't usually end up with me doing a happy dance every now and then. For one thing, I feel lighter and thinner, probably because I haven't gorged. As of 6:40 I've had 741 calories. Part of those came from a delightful cereal called Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches. It's been sitting in the cupboard for months now and I found it while digging for pancake syrup (didn't eat, don't worry). It's 120 calories for 3/4 cup but it's so good that it's hard to care about 30 extra calories. My early evening meal was a healthy choice entree with turkey medallions, mixed vegetables, cranberry sauce, and apple crisp. Their crisp is 80% syrup, 10% oats, 10% apples so I diced half a fresh apple and mixed it in. I was shocked to find out the cranberry sauce was good. I have a vendetta against them because of the constant antioxidant stuff you see on tv and read about.
While at the store (grabbing my stepdad stuff for the road) I found walmart brand frozen pre-cooked chicken breasts. They're pretty cheap, 66 cents each when you work it out, and higher in calories than the label says but not by that much. What a time- and money-saver. If the flavor's not perfect, whatever, throw some onion powder on it, right? I had some from walmart a few years ago and they looked like charred roadkill with skin-like stuff hanging off. Sure, the ingredient list is a mile long, but I really don't buy that whole 'additives are satan' stuff. If I just need a quick meal or want to save $3 over a drive-through grilled chicken sandwich, this is a pretty good option. Because really, fast-food is loaded with the same stuff anyway. I also picked him up a box of swiss cake rolls. I felt bad, in a good way. I only eat those when deliberately stuffing myself to the point of oblivion anyway.
Haven't worked out yet. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore (KNOCK ON WOOD) so I'm not worried about when it'll happen. Last night I emerged from the basement at 10:45, for instance.
Oh, forgot to mention. I bought those gloves a few days ago. No results yet but since I have another 100 pair to go through, we'll see.
Last edited on 30 March 2009 12:26 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 March 2009 10:58 pm |
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All day I've been just thinking "chocolate, crunchy, chocolate, crunchy". I googled sugar-free Moose Munch for about 25 minutes, then I searched around for some weirdo who might have a big box of assorted candy bars. Found one. Well, technically it's a case of hershey bars for a fundraiser. It had all my favorites in it. I seriously considered it. $52 for $52 bars. But I didn't. Instead, I went to walgreens and spent $18.75 on cashews, cookies, poppycock, king sizes of: milky way, twix, kit kat; about five cadbury eggs. My favorite is the vanilla-chocolate creme mixed. I found 6-pack boxes of FullBars too. $1.99 each box! Seriously, it is like getting a box for the price of a bar. I might end up selling them on ebay. But if they work...if they work, I will go back for more. End of story.
I wonder why I freaking did that. I think I have a problem : /
But then again, what's cheaper? A weekly $20 binge or a weekly $75 therapist appointment? 
Last edited on 30 March 2009 11:52 pm by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 04:56 am |
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| I think the therapist is cheaper! because you will only go for a short while and then be fine, but the binges will last forever if you don't deal with it! Was that a trick question?? Seriously, I do understand how you feel about getting all that stuff, just knowing you are going to binge. I don't do that as much anymore, but I will search the house trying to find something to make a binge out of- whether it is baking chips, chocolate cereal, or even chocolate covered granola bars that are supposed to be for my son after track practice... I hope you can resist the urge to eat lots of what you got. Try to portion it out and have it as a treat each day. That way, you can still enjoy it, just over an extended period of time.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 31 March 2009 07:20 am |
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lol- i think the full bar thing was a mistake on walgreens part. we just got those in and are selling them individually. total score for you, man!
and i'm all for the therapist idea, too. no doubt.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 04:30 pm |
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Okay okay okay my old manager just called and I'm re-hired. The employee meeting is April 14th so I've got a while to lose the weight and get into my uniform pants. Yay! Now I have a real goal deadline and a load of stress off my shoulders. This calls for some Taylor Swift music.
Also I'm donating blood today, and every time I do my reaction gets a little worse. I'll try to exercise this evening but you know how that goes. If I do, it'll be day 19 in a row.
Edit: I knew it. My good luck couldn't last two seconds. I couldn't find the mother#%@&!ing place to donate blood. I was all over town. I should have known something was up when the map on the website couldn't even find it. So I said "whatever, I'm out of the house, I think I'll go get gas." That, for once in my life, turned out just fine. I pulled up at the right side, my car was facing the right direction, and I had a credit card so no embarrassing money shortage. I thought of going to Kohl's and picking out a new pair of jeans since it's pretty likely I'm going to be this size 'til the day I die, but instead I went to the grocery. Strawberries and potatoes were really cheap on sale AND the ad had coupons in it. So I got the produce and also some little pork tenderloin things and ElFudge cookies. I don't know if I'll eat them, I have them tied away in my bag full of the contraband from last night I'm trying to parcel out. A lesson in self-control, you know. Bad food is never going to vanish so the best thing to do is learn to co-exist peacefully.
Did I mention I won one of 25 pairs of advance movie screening passes? Yeah. I thought that was cool too. Until I got upstairs and spent 50 minutes crying and throwing a fit at the printer because it wouldn't work. I've never yet encountered an item requiring an electrical socket that worked correctly for me. But I finally get it printed out and then it turns out my brother doesn't even WANT the stupid things, let alone drive to Columbus to pick them up.
Why do I even try? Why? I swear I am never doing anything to ever help anyone else again. Ever.
Last edited on 31 March 2009 08:21 pm by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 03:02 am |
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| Hey, Ash, sorry to hear the world is crashing in on you a little bit right now. At least you got rehired which means $ coming in again! Plus, getting back into those pants will be a good motivator! Sorry to hear your brother wasn't able to appreciate that you were trying to do something nice for him. Brothers can be like that...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 01:39 am |
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Okay, finally a day without a mini-meltdown. I did have 11 EL Fudge cookies but I was cool about it, I didn't get all angry and glare at my reflection for five minutes. I chugged two hot green teas and took a three hour nap. I got up, did 90 minutes of cardio, and burned off 815 of my 1,347 calorie binge (I had other stuff besides the cookies). So I'm feeling fine, I was 19 calories under once you factor in RMR. Now it's time for dinner. I had a nectarine and a fullbar. Hopefully when my mom gets home in around half an hour I'll be able to eat something small if I eat at all. I thought since the fullbars were so cheap I would try them. As I wrote to myself in my private world, "170 calories is a heck of a lot better than a thousand or more." Even if I end up eating healthy all day and the bars carry me over my limit, I'll just lose weight a little more slowly instead of maintaining/gaining.
So. To business. The employee orientation meeting is on the 14th and my first day working is the 27th. Please, please let my pants fit...
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 02:37 am |
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| Ash, I have the same problem with cookies... ate a whole box of girlscout cookies last night... some people just don't understand how it feels to eat oneself sick... has nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with emotions!! Seems like we are in the same boat. Hopefully we can both learn to control the emotions which control the eating... and then our pants will fit again!!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 04:50 pm |
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Ah, GSCs. My philosophy on those is, if you have to eat a whole box, choose Tagalongs because you don't get very many :P I estimate I had three boxes this season  and perhaps a box of Trefoils.
Edit: You know, every time I binge on sunflower chips, I wonder why I don't just throw them away. So I do and then I think "why did I do that?! I have to have something crunchy!" I need something to fulfill that need. I wonder if there's a household object I can chew on that won't ruin my teeth...
Second edit: We were all full by the time our dinner was cooked. But we stomached some down and commisserated on the fact that we eat too much during the day. My brother said he'd gained 30 pounds since graduating high school (class of '03) but I kind of laughed inwardly because at my highest, I had gained over 15 pounds since we moved on Feb 15th 2008. I've lost three of those pounds, heh. It kind of makes me sick that when we moved here I was around 133, maybe 131 in the morning and my goal was 120. How could I have let myself slide so much? Maybe I'll go back to my old ten mini-blogs a day on the social networking site, private of course, and not even bothering to look around for similar users. The site I'm using now is good in some ways, not so great in others. OH, CSI TIME!
Last edited on 3 April 2009 02:00 am by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 11:38 pm |
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| Ash, I ate the Samoas or Caramel delites or whatever they are calling them these days... 15 cookies... better than eating thin mints, right? I have been giving the tagalongs to my teenage son who is 5'8" or so and weighs maybe 130... let him eat the cookies!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 April 2009 10:48 pm |
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Sooo the 4th and 5th of April did not include binges. Two days in a row, then I blew it today for food I wasn't even salivating over. Hmm. I didn't try any of my little tricks to prevent it, either. Just in a lame mood today On the other hand, I only weighed 142.2 when I was done! I'm sure it'll go up a little more in the next few hours and down again by the time tomorrow rolls around. I think tomorrow I'll go to Kohl's to check out some clothes I saw on the website and see what size I am in them. It's a good thing I'm so picky about clothes, otherwise I would have five closets full. I drop money like no one's business on the stupidest things. Like today, I spent $38 on 120 Fiber One bars. I think I'll resell them. Does anyone who reads this want a few? Or a lot? 
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 April 2009 12:17 am |
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| Ash, you are such a little entrepreneur! I am sure you will sell those bars in no time! I hate it when I binge without even trying my little tricks (gum chewing, exercising instead, drinking water, getting on this site) because it feels like just giving in... hopefully next time will be better for you and you will try a few of the tricks.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 April 2009 09:32 pm |
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Since I use a ten-second timer when I take pics of myself, I usually just set the camera wherever's closest and go to my little corner. Today I set it on my cat's condo and I got two shots of my lower body...ankles included. I was always terrified I had cankles because it sure looks like I do in the mirror. I'd love to just blame the angle. So now I have these two new long-shots and two where the camera is closer to the floor.
http://img513.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=pose.jpg
I'm glad to report they are nowhere near as bad as I thought they were, though they still need work. My lower quads spilling over my my knees just annoys me to no end but whatever, one day at a time.
I suppose the point of this post is that nothing is quite as bad as it appears.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 April 2009 03:08 am |
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Third day this week that I didn't go over my calorie limit. I'm happyyyy. My goal for now is 4 days a week and slowly work my way up until it's 6. I'll be very happy if I can make it to the "one meal per week doesn't affect your weight" thing. True or not, it's a wonderful concept.
By the way, did you know PB2 makes CHOCOLATE too? So now I can throw away that nasty chocolate syrup. If I want a reese sundae, just a scoop of that will be fine. That'll even save me more regular pb2 for sandwiches. Oh, happy. Except the price tag. But I'm in one of those moods where I just don't care. The jars really do last for freaking ever. A jar of normal, store-bought peanut butter costs more than a gallon of gas anyway. Might as well have the good stuff, right?
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 April 2009 10:05 pm |
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Yesterday was day four without a binge. Today will hopefully be day five. I'm slightly apprehensive. Since tomorrow's easter, the 'goody pile' is getting a little bigger. I have Take 5 bars, pillsbury bunny cookies, hershey bliss eggs, peanut brittle (surprise from my mom), pretzels, black raspberry chocolate chunk ice cream, sugar-free fat-free chocolate pudding, and sunflower chips. I'm determined to eat just a little bit at a time. I've been telling myself I'm allowed to have 1,450 calories because that's what I started out with last year when I started 'really' dieting and making healthier choices and it worked fine. I barely went over. And yet I haven't gone much over 1,200 which is good because it's my 'real' daily goal. I'm staying home for easter, by the way. Everyone else is going to my sister's and I'm gonna curl up with a Healthy Choice meal and a small pretzel sundae. Maybe get some extra exercise in. I think my bikes need a tune-up, they've been displaying more calories burned than usual.
Oh! I won a lot of clothes on ebay this afternoon I'm so excited about. They're size large t-shirts and size 11 bottoms, they should fit me right this moment. And they're so cute, they're even my style. Sometimes I let that slide because I just want a lot of cheap clothes that fit. So it was two tees and 5 capris and 1 pair of shorts for like $13.50. Finally I won't have to wear the same two outfits when I run errands or go shopping. I think I might be happy enough to start wearing perfume again...I do have 16 bottles of it, after all ().
Hope everyone can resist overdoing it on the sweets and fats tomorrow. Just remember, in a couple days you're going to want some of that chocolate and wish it hadn't all been devoured in one afternoon! At least, that's how my holidays turn out 
Edit: I did binge today. Darnit. I threw away the goodies though. Except the pretzels, those are fine. The ice cream was 99 cents after a coupon so I don't feel guilty. Same with the sunchips, actually. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and thought "oh yeah, you're gonna look fabulous at your work meeting on Tuesday!" I look 7 months pregnant again. I wonder why I don't think about those things while I'm bingeing. I should go make a post about "what you're forgetting" next to my "please don't binge" one.
Last edited on 12 April 2009 12:44 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 April 2009 10:12 pm |
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Everyone was at my sister's today for Easter so I thought I'd do a little cleaning and work out extra (I had peanut brittle and four easter cookies for breakfast...d'oh!) and I thought "what a lovely time to sing out loud to myself!" So I'm halfway through an Ace of Base song and I glance up the stairs, because that's where the bike is pointed, and I see A PANT LEG! God. I have no idea how long they were listening to me. They said they'd "just got home" but that could mean anything. I mean god, I didn't even notice them bringing the dog inside! I thought I heard his toy squeak....Well, lesson learned. Lip-synching is the best thing to do in every situation.
Oh! I also made my own poptarts today. I tried to watch my mom make pie crust from scratch this morning but I was distracted by something or other. So instead I found a tube of what I thought were crescent rolls, but it's like pizza crust all rolled up...anyway, I rolled it flatter to make the serving size 8 instead of 6, cut it up, and put a teaspoon of calorie-free fruit syrup in the middle and folded them over into pockets. They turned out pretty good, baked only 6 minutes then dusted with sweet n low. They're 94 1/2 calories each, which is my favorite part. And they're made with pillsbury dough, so you get the good flavor you really want. I'll try it with generic, which is always lower in cals, and then eventually make my own crust somehow. But this will do for a little experiment. I made strawberry and blueberry. I've tried the blue and it's great. The syrup got absorbed into the crust so if the gooey filling in a real poptart is your favorite part, I don't think you'd be too happy with these. They turned out cute, though.
Last edited on 13 April 2009 01:38 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 April 2009 09:55 pm |
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My stepdad went to the doctor again this morning and it turns out he's pre-diabetic and he has to test his blood sugar and everything. I feel freaking awful because this would be a good opportunity to help him out and reinforce my own ideas about healthy eating, less excuses to eat #%@&!, but I just feel like I'm about to break again. I want the filling, bad, salty, fried foods. But now I can't even eat a freaking fiber plus bar in front of him without feeling terrible. They told him stuff like 15 carbs per snack, only half a banana every 12 hours, the carbs are the problem and not JUST the sugar carbs...it's all so weird. I don't know what to do except share my love of sugar-free desserts and drinks. Maybe when he goes up for a nap I'll steal the folder they gave him and try to memorize it all.
And I suppose I might as well confess that I've been trying to lose weight for someone I haven't seen in six months and will be seeing again very, very shortly. But it doesn't matter, they have zero interest in me and that's how it will stay. But when I have realizations like that, ALL my reasons for losing weight go out the window, not just the vanity ones.
I got my chocolate pb2 today. I'll have to try it later.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 14 April 2009 10:47 pm |
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calorie free syrup? where do you get such things?
and your little poptarts totally made me want cream cheese wantons. yum!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 April 2009 11:41 pm |
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The syrups are from Walden Farms, and a few chain groceries are starting to carry them now.
The meeting today was kinda disappointing because I only recognized like four people. Three people I hoped would be there weren't, which sucks. But hey, a whole batch of new people to meet. Hopefully I'll make an outside-of-work friend for once in my life. I need to go buy more work pants. For one thing, they have to be what I refer to as chinos, meaning slit back pockets. Plus, my regular ones don't fit and I really don't think I'm ever going to lose a single pound so long as I live. I'll just go shopping tomorrow, it's a rainy #%@&! night and one of my headlights is out anyway. My luck I'd get pulled over even though I can't tell you how many one-lighters I see on a daily basis.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 April 2009 01:00 am |
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Not a lot going on. Talking to someone from work online. Maybe I'll make a friend who wants to hang out in person like I used to have.
I got my clothes from ebay this morning. Did I write about those? No, it appears I did not. Well, I found a lot of two t-shirts, five pairs of bermuda shorts, and one pair of regular shorts for like $13.95. They're all too big! JUST big enough to sit low on my hips and do the love-handle thing, you know? The shirts are okay. I wore one of the outfits to the grocery today when I ran out and bought something I shouldn't have. So pretty much I bought all those clothes for nothing. In other clothing news, I was at four stores yesterday and couldn't find a single pair of pants that aren't saggy and baggy on the butt area. I don't know where the teens I work with buy theirs but they sit right where they should and their butts look normal (yes, I checked). I'm kind of mad. If I get invited to the mall this weekend I'll have to go and hope I find something despite who I'd be doing the shopping with. I start work on the 28th. Got pushed back a day. That should be enough time.
I've been doing something very bad lately, too. I figure I should get it off my chest. Sometimes I end up having a binge around early evening, late afternoon and I go work it off. But then I get all showered and eat again. It's like........am I just not paying attention to the work I'm doing? I'm just stupid. But enough of that, I'm making myself feel bad when I haven't done anything wrong today.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 April 2009 02:42 am |
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| OK, Ash, no beating yourself up. You have lots of sadness lately I've noticed. Sounds like you are feeling lonely with nobody to hang out with outside the computer, and somehow some worthless boy has made you feel bad about yourself too, even though he's probably not even worth it! Stop bashing yourself. Do a happy dance because those pants are too big and you don't have cankles! Which is definitely true, because I saw the pics haha! Take care of yourself inside and out and people will be drawn to the happy you- not the skinny one, the happy one.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 April 2009 10:42 pm |
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I really have no idea what I'm doing right now. I'd like to have a friend to hang out with. But then again, there's not a whole lot to do around here and then I've also got this horrible skin that makes me so self-conscious and prevents me from ever moving beyond platonic relationships should I decide they're not pointless. I think I fixate on my skin when I'm scared to think about my weight and need something to distract myself with. And as usual, with 11 days 'til work, my mind is in manic-countdown mode where I alternate between trying to lose weight, not wanting to lose weight, and completely locking down and being criminally indecisive. I've never yet managed to accomplish what I've wanted to do before an event.
Today was a very nice searing-hot breezy day. Of course I didn't leave the house. But I did open the window in my room. Haven't worked out yet today. I've done it every day since March 13th, so about 35-36 days in a row. I don't particularly keep track but I think it's a really good streak for me. If only I could go that long without eating junk food. Today I had two kinds of ice cream and a large amount of pretzels and melted hershey kisses. I did notice that I eat a lot less chocolate when it's melted. I need something salty, powdery, spicy, like cheerios snack mix. But I don't think I'll have it. For one thing, I'd have to go buy it.
I don't know. I'm just really depressed lately. I've considered anti-depressants but that would require going to a psych and testing out dosages and all that bullcrap. Oh, and the fact that I'm uninsured. They say not to take generic drugs that change your hormones or brain chemistry. But I can't think of anything else to do, not even something I'm merely unwilling to do. I really hope going back to work and getting paychecks will help. And this will be my second year so maybe I'll be more appreciated and get a good feeling out of helping the new people. I can hope.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 April 2009 08:42 pm |
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| Ash, if you've been feeling down for more than a month, maybe you should try to talk to a professional about it. A lot of times there a sliding fee scales, or even programs to offer free treatment. Maybe you will feel better once you are busy with work, and also since you kow how to do things, you can kind of mentor all the newbies. Sometimes having a sense of purpose really helps out!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 20 April 2009 06:51 pm |
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Let's see, what have I been up to? Eating fast food for dinner and ice cream for dessert. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I've also been working out in the morning AND evening when that happens. So the universe balances out. I've been using the programmed personal trainer features as always, but on the highest one I've been kicking up the resistance one notch at every level. It equals about 30 more calories burned. It can get a little tedious, especially since I prefer semi-darkness and squinting at the screen by the reflection off my skin isn't the best way to take your mind off your burning quads. Oh! Speaking oh mah quaddddsss they feel a lot firmer now. Well, during exercise and for about 30 minutes afterwards, but still! My inner thighs aren't so lucky though. And you know me by now, I start a new diet format every morning. I think I'd like to do two big meals a day. They don't exactly have to be 600 each but the total's definitely going to be around 1,200. Breakfast this morning was two extra-large (I didn't buy those!) eggs, a can of diced potatoes, a soymilk coffee, and a nutrigrain waffle for 420 calories. Heh, it's April 20th today. I don't celebrate THAT part of the day, but it's still a neat coincidence.
I've got so many coupons that I'm thinking up rewards again. I have a dollar off SoBe lifewater (0 cal stuff, including OMG BLUEBERRY BLACKBERRY flavor) and the Fuze Slenderize flavors (OMG BLUEBERRY STRAWBERRY) are almost always on sale for 10/$10. Also, when I hit 135 (roughly ten pounds away) I get to buy Bon Jovi's Destination Anywhere. I love his music. I have two tracks from iTunes already but I don't mind paying for them again. I don't have iTunes anymore so this is just easier. And when I hit 129, I don't know what I'm doing. I'll definitely be needing some new jeans by then. But I'm 20 years old, how much longer can I wear American Eagle without feeling guilty? And the jeans in the Misses department are revoltingly matronly. I suppose I have plenty of time to think it over.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 02:20 am |
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| Ash, it's always a good idea to think up things as rewards. I kept saying I would cut off my hair when I met goal... but it's taken too long and it's below my bra strap, so I'm cutting it and have to think of a new reward hehe.
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