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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 December 2008 08:22 pm |
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Muahaha! I DID post my weight on here! It's from late May but that's still something to work with. I'd love to be 138.6 again, geez. Tonight is my weigh-in night. Normally I only do it on Sundays but with the party thing, I don't want a last-minute surprise. No, no nooooooooo.
Went shopping today, largely using coupons. I was bored last night so I figured I'd go through them while TBL was on and I found all sorts of things. Well, some things were sold out or more expensive even with the coupon so I got generic. I'm re-stocked on bananas, apples, nutrigrain waffles, and diet bread. And VANILLA COKE ZERO was on sale! Oh my gosh. I about flipped when I saw it. It's my favorite drink in the whole world but it's usually like, $4.39 for a 12 pack. I got two for $6. Oh yes indeedy.
While I was on my slimfast kick I discovered that steamed soymilk is delicious on its own.
Oh, and I found a coupon for a FREE small McCafé drink at McD's. They're really good. The non-fat sugar-free vanilla cappuccinos are, anyway, that's all I've tried. A small is bigger than you think it's going to be, probably around 12 oz, and it's $2.49 regularly. I can get breakfast for a dollar sometime if a parfait mood strikes me.
Edit: French vanilla slimfast tastes exactly like pudding mix. This pleases me greatly.
Edit 2: My body fat and measurements went up. Arrrrgh. 1,225 calories today. I finally remembered to count.
Last edited on 18 December 2008 03:00 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 18 December 2008 11:00 pm |
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Today I woke up 3 hours earlier than usual due to a dream about werewolves. I have never been so bored out of my mind. Watching my mom make ham bean soup is just not primetime entertainment. I had about 1/6 batch of peanut brittle (oh god another food addiction, just what I need!), 2 strawberry-filled cookies (they taste like cereal bars!) and a bag of......dun dun dun.....microwave popcorn. That's like six nights in a row. I know I'm "female" but for crying out loud.
So tonight I ventured outside to walmart since it's closest. The first parking spot I saw was next to my dad's van so I went inside, expecting to see him in the vision dept or the catfood aisle. Nowhere to be seen. And this guy is like 6'2 with white hair and a mustache. Not a lot of people at the wallamarta look like that. At least around here.
So I grabbed my intended item, brown paper bags, and I left. I'm going to start popping all that corn I have. It's orville redenbacher brand, it's pretty good in the air popper. But I'm discouraged from making noise during the day since my brother and stepdad sleep in shifts. Like, 8 am is the only time you can catch both of them awake. It's nuts. I have some ranch sprinkles I found on sale a while back. I mistakenly thought I liked ranch flavoring because at my first job, they handed out ranch Moose Munch snack mix of some sort and it was totally awesome. But I guess it was ranch DRESSING flavor, because this isn't the same at all. It's still edible. I was shocked at how little I needed, too. I saw the "1 tsp" on the nutrition label and snorted. But I had plenty at the bottom of the bag from that little teaspoon. I like plain popcorn, so I don't know why I'm making this fuss. I'd spritz it with my nonstick olive oil spray but I'm terrified of the calories in aerosols.
After my first nibbling of nut brittle I did TWO HOURS of exercising. So my guilt is pretty much tepid at this point. I like it like that.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 20 December 2008 02:18 am |
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I don't like watching what I eat.
Until I realize that none of my clothes fit.
Tomorrow is my mom's baking day since we give treats for christmas instead of stuff. Maybe I'll lock myself in my room with fruit salad. Oh, I'll have to get eggs. We went through 17 in like, 6 days.
Okey dokey folks!
The last time I ate unacceptable food was 10:35 pm EST, Friday December 19th.
<a href="My timerhttp://www.timeanddate.com/counters/customcounter.html?month=12&day=19&year=2008&hour=22&min=35&sec=0&p0=805">My timer</a>
I don't have a goal in mind of how long to go, because once I make it that far I'll revert. That's not really my plan of action. I just wanna look at it once in a while and motivate myself. And if it helps other people to see how long a fellow CPHer has gone, well, that's dandy too.
I bought romaine blend bagged salad at the store, my favorite. I have two stalks of celery I can dice and throw in there. I should be set for tomorrow. I was gonna pre-cook some chicken so I could just nuke it tomorrow but I got lazy and forgot to pull it out of the freezer. I've changed my computer wallpaper to myself looking thin and confident (taken Feb 6th of this year, can you imagine?!). I didn't master the brown bag popcorn technique, my first try resulted in burnt popcorn smelling of vomit. Practice makes perfect though and I have plenty of spray butter and NuSalt. I have no snacks hidden in my room and any nut brittle we make from this point on is strictly for christmas gifts. I think I'm pretty good and set right now. Maybe I'll get up and exercise before my sister comes over.
Last edited on 20 December 2008 04:13 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 January 2009 07:40 pm |
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Haven't posted here because I'm just ashamed of my eating habits. That last post I made makes me physically ill. Not sure what to do. Yesterday was good, I ate a normal amount of calories and exercised a little extra despite being very frustrated. My zune was dead yesterday...I thought it was because of the whole leap-year screw up but I have a 120 model, not a 30. Turns out my battery was just dead. Silly me. And my brother's cd player did the same four tracks over and over again on random mode. I'm pretty discouraged because my intervals aren't nearly as strong as they once were. I paused twice last time I did them, and I only did 15 minutes instead of 30. Laaaame.
My slimfast can came with a recipe booklet. I do not recommend the apple pie one. Blechhhh. I feel like I'm always hungry. I just want a humongous plate of grilled chicken dusted with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Maybe some ketchup on the side. And some spicy potato wedges. I need spice and protein, it seems. You know, all the pepper and seasoned salt could totally help me clear out this congestion. Maybe I could save up my calories today and have a big dinner....
I suppose I do have some small things to be thankful for. My weight's been stabilized at 140-142.6 the past couple weeks. A lot of my measurements are slowly creeping down, but my fat percentage goes up. I guess it'll all work out eventually.
Last edited on 2 January 2009 07:42 pm by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 January 2009 08:24 pm |
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Today I finally found the walden farm peanut spread. Haven't tried it, I'll open it when I run out of PB2. Which, by the way, makes a fantastic dessert when added to chocolate slimfast....Today I got some low-sodium sunflower chips and a new jar of salsa that hopefully isn't the faintest bit sweet. I figured they'd be a good alternative to tortilla chips. 5.5 g unsaturated fat, that's good. See, I used to be paranoid about the total fat but I never took the time to read how much of it was saturated. I also got four bags of discontinued kettle corn flavored rice quakes. They're awesome. They had a 1/4 of a watermelon on clearance for $1.23, I've been craving it lately.
Hmm. Grocery blogging again. I did get a 'work shirt' today on clearance at kohl's, haven't tried it on. We were in a hurry to get the <1 pm earlybird price. My size 11 SO jeans are really baggy. Not falling off but I got a ton of room in there. Tomorrow night when I do my measurements I'll see if I can have any smaller clothes. I made a wordpad document with the measurements of my 'skinny clothes'. I'm feeling so guilty because I spent $35 bucks today that she covered with her debit card. If I knew her bank account number I'd do a deposit slip.
Edit: done exercising. I feel like I've got less fat but I'm waiting until this time tomorrow to find out. It's funny, I've usually abandoned all diet plans by friday evening which made my measurements very....consistent, week after week. I'm hoping to see some improvement this week. I started doing a couple light weight exercises with 5 lbs but now I can comfortably do them all with 8 except for the one where you bend at a 90 degree angle and bring your arms up to shoulder level at your sides. Some sort of fly I think. I really miss my old Turbo Sculpt tape. All of my muscles were goooood sore after that. Maybe someday at a yard sale.
Edit 2: after all that, I ............. BINGED? Yeah. Now I'm a sad little bunny. 
Last edited on 4 January 2009 02:19 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 January 2009 04:02 am |
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I'm scared. I'm incredibly depressed. I'm just a mess, really, at the moment. I've been all over ebay and walmart.com (new credit card, ha) trying to find some material thing to fill the void and then I thought "why don't I try to fix this instead of avoiding it?" Well, then I did some googling around and read something along the lines of "people who binge out of emotion do so because there is something they are avoiding and have not talked about" and it got me thinking. But then my mind immediately closed off and I felt like crying. I have a good idea of what I'm blocking out but I have to wonder why I don't think about those things while I'm eating. Or immediately after. In fact, the only time I think about that stuff is when I'm watching a tv show with plot or a movie where I can empathize with a character.
So um. Back to safe ground here. I think I'll go ask for book recommendations...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 January 2009 11:24 pm |
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Last night was a very weird night. Back to reality!
It's 6:15 pm and I've only had 450 calories. I'm not even hungry. I've had 4 servings of fruit so far. And salsa, sunchips, and a single strip of bacon. I'm trying the thing where you allow yourself bad food because telling yourself 'no' brings out your bitter, rebellious side. It seems to be working. I bought myself some cashew lover's poppycock. Yes, it's pure sugar, which is against my previously established diet rules. I told myself no corn syrup (except the stuff in my bran flakes, I cannot live without them). This also makes granola bars off-limits (btw fiber one makes MOCHA bars now!). For those curious, here were my rules:
- No more deep-fried food.
- No more junk food (chips, cookies, cheese corn, candy bars, little debbies, etc)
- No more fast food (drive-thru, pretzel stands, candy bars, starbucks at checkout)
- No more cooking oil (pan-fried potatoes, microwave popcorn, etc)
- No more butter.
- No more full-fat foods (dairy, baked goods, peanut butter, margarine, etc)
- No table salt. Use NuSalt instead. Get Mrs. Dash if you want more options.
- No liquid sugar substitutes (corn syrup, molasses, etc).
Very healthy, no? They even seem sustainable...until you read the ingredient labels on things like nutrigrain whole-wheat waffles! I think I'll have to live without waffles. I have fiber one pancake mix that I could use instead. Pancakes take about as long to make as sticking a waffle in the toaster. I also need to re-word rule 6 because a lot of times in reduced fat product, the monounsaturated fats are removed and the saturated fats stay. Like peanut butter.
So am I going to allow 'bad' snacks or am I gonna try to live without having those things in the house....
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 January 2009 09:12 pm |
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I had 101 grams of cashew poppycock for breakfast, which equals...545 calories. Yowza. I burned that off and then some. I made myself do 48 miles in two hours on my bike. My feet hurt but I did it. Pretty proud. It said 1,000 calories, and even though those things are never correct, I'm still happy. So today's gonna be fruit and veggie day...I do have some chicken thawing for dinner.
You know what's really good? Sugar-free raspberry jello with cool whip free and low-cal chocolate syrup. All mixed together. Yeahhhh.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 January 2009 12:34 am |
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| Binged on cookies and the dough thereof........ughhhh. So frustrated. I need to weigh myself or something every time I get hungry because I've been in the high 130s when my stomach was empty and right after exercise.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 January 2009 01:36 am |
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I don't like watching what I eat. Until I realize that none of my clothes fit.
Your comment describes my situation perfectly! We also share an unfortunate tendency to binge. I haven't figured out a way to permanently get it under control, but I will keep fighting til I do~ Sounds like you do a great job on your exercise bike. Keep at it and you will reach your goal weight!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 January 2009 11:47 pm |
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I went through and read the first page of this diary and wow, I'm slightly neurotic. I've been consistently doing 24 miles in an hour and thought that was improvement but apparently, I was doing that in May. Hmm. Maybe this means I'll weigh less, like I did in May....
Binged today but I brushed my teeth and unwound, I'm feeling pretty good now. Haven't exercised though. My head hurts. Oh my gosh! Last night I made a pouch of peanut butter cookie mix with the hershey kisses on top. Then I found a pack of hershey brand chocolate chips and made half a batch of those. It's so weird because I have zero patience for rolling the dough into balls and baking it and all that. I feel so weird. EVERY time I start creeping back down to the 130s, I start bingeing. It's frustrating. Maybe I'm hiding from something. I need to go to bed earlier and start exercising FIRST thing in the morning again. That worked for a couple weeks.
Let's see...my stepdad has another 5 or 6 weeks of phys therapy and then he can go back to work. I've almost forgotten what it's like only seeing him three days a week...ayiyiyi. When he does, things will change radically. Hopefully for the better. That's an awful thing to say, isn't it? Yes, it is. God, I really wish I had a job. I thought a few people would be looking to hire new people once the holiday rush was over, but I guess not....This is just depressing. There's a college down the street but I am just not interested in anything. Plus, my real dad's actually broke now and he couldn't finance it like he did for my brother. Ahhhhhh need a job job job job job jobj objob ob job job job
Edit: today was almost a wasted day (no exercise, bad eating) but I finally went downstairs and did 30 minutes of intervals and 30 minutes of regular cycling. I'm glad I did. This means two weeks in a row of zero skipped workouts. That's something to be proud about.
Last edited on 9 January 2009 05:22 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 January 2009 04:03 am |
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| I'm so exhausted and stressed and avoidant. Any time I start to think about something troubling, bam it's video game time. Or keebler toasted cracker time. I applied online for a job tonight. Even if they call me to say no it'd be nice to know someone acknowledged my existence.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 January 2009 04:29 pm |
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| Hey, Ash, sorry to hear you are feeling bummed. Looking for a job is tough, especially with the economy right now. I'll send happy thoughts your way that you will get a call about the job. Video games aren't the worst you could be doing when you are down! Hopefully things will get better soon.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 January 2009 11:17 pm |
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| I. Hate. This. House. I am so #%@&!ing sick of the tv being on its loudest setting all god#%@&!ed day so I have to listen to Nancy Grace bitch about this and that, I'm sick of being bitched at for cooking FISH! Like I don't have to smell their mother#%@&!ing BEEF and HAM all the #%@&! time! God forbid someone in this house should eat something healthy. And I'm REALLY #%@&!ign sick of being the only person who knows how to open a god#%@&! door and let the dumbass dog out once in a while or how to wipe his filthy paws when he comes in. I've just had it. I say this every day in my head but it's time I let it out.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 14 January 2009 12:48 am |
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| Do you feel better? It sounds like it is getting frustrating in all aspects of your life. I hope things get better soon. Nancy Grace, ARGHHHH... so grating and negative!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 January 2009 02:03 am |
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| Today's just been one failure after another. I went to eat the rest of my grapes and watermelon and they're moldy and fleshy, respectively. I'm just so frustrated. When I try to do something good for myself, it backfires. I could just go to walmart and replace it but I'm mentally exhausted at this point and I just want to scream. And stifle those screams with mcdonald's. I want nothing more than to tear into a big, juicy chicken strip right about now. And some heavily-salted, slightly limp french fries. God. Craving craving craving.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 14 January 2009 11:26 pm |
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| OK, Ash, what can you do to get things under control and help yourself feel better? You deserve to do good things for yourself. Don't get discouraged!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 January 2009 11:08 pm |
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Okey doke, let's see. Yesterday I had a (very) minor crisis unrelated to food and there was some trouble with lack of insurance and whatnot. You know how dentists are. The past couple days I've been very good during the day but at night, I see that I'm still hungry and I don't have enough calories left to fill myself up. So I abandon my plan and just eat until I'm bursting. I don't want to get into that night-eating stuff anymore, though it's true I feel worse about myself when the bad eating starts around midday. My goal is still to drop 2% of my body fat by my birthday (31 days away!), I just need to keep that on my mind. I don't even know if it's doable. I guess it depends how much weight you need to lose in the first place. My body fat analyzer is in kilograms, so I always have to round up or down a little bit and as a test, I did one round of each and the results were...very different. 0.7%, to be exact. I wonder if I should just drink a lot of water until I don't have to round up so it'll be more accurate. Either way, I measured my thighs yesterday and they're getting smaller. That always makes me happy. My jeans are always tight in the thigh and loose in the butt, so this is my main focus. I have a whole pyramid of things to worry about, taking them one body part at a time.
I think I'm gonna start putting garlic and onion powder on everything I eat. It's just awesome.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 January 2009 04:07 am |
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| What kind of body fat analyzer do you have, is it the scale kind? I got tested on a handheld one once, but really would like the scale kind to better evaluate my progress. I think it's really neat that you are trying to go by reducing body fat instead of lbs because you could be building muscle and not losing weight, but that would still be success~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 January 2009 06:20 pm |
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http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.11321
This is the cheap little thing I bought. When I use my healthometer scale, it says I have 40% body fat and I don't think that's physically possible. The handheld thing tells me I'm 29% all the time, which seems more likely. I had a Taylor one for a day...it told me 21% :P I got rid of that thing pretty fast.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 January 2009 12:10 am |
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It's become pretty obvious that I can't stop binge eating at night. So as of yesterday, I started changing up my workout. The displayed calories show about 215 extra per day if I do this routine instead. I hope it helps me maintain, at the very least...which I know it won't, deep down. My baseline is about 1230 calories per day and my binges vary widely. I typically burn 500 cals a day, but now it's 700+. I don't know. I'm never going to give myself ultimate freedom when it comes to eating (frozen chicken nuggets, fast food, etc) but the damage is still pretty bad when you sit down with a calculator. Today was one of those days where, at 4 pm, I had 300 calories left for the entire day. I had two of everything at snacktime, what a stupid idea. I should have just drank hot water to keep my stomach happy and full and had the chicken for dinner. But I never think ahead. All I care about when I binge is that exact moment. Stupid, selfish little girl.
Edit: Tonight's binge was a lot smaller than usual. About 1/2 a bag of cheddar chex mix and a pack of m&ms. I had a sugar-free baskin robbins pralines & cream hard candy and my cravings were pretty much done. I love those things.
Last edited on 17 January 2009 02:52 am by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 19 January 2009 04:38 am |
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| Ashley, thanks for the link. I'll check it out. I forgot about those little Baskin-Robbins candies to help my cravings. I love the mint chocolate ones. Have to put those on the grocery list for the week! As for the binging, I hope you get a handle on it. I am struggling with the same thing myself, trying to shake up my eating routine and the timing of my workouts. Hopefully we will each find the right formula soon~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 19 January 2009 09:08 pm |
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| I saw on the site that they have STRAWBERRY candies now, but I think they're not available in sugar-free yet. I can't wait.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 20 January 2009 02:42 am |
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| They didn't have the baskin-robbins candies at the grocery store today, but I got werther's SF caramel candies that have like 10 calories each, so I will enjoy that treat this week! Glad you reminded me about those little yummies~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 03:21 am |
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Today was uneventful. I woke up at 9:30 instead of 11 because the tv was too loud in the other room, so I was a little annoyed. Then around noon when people left I kinda laid around eating a little too much, considering the time of day. Well, no, I didn't, but the fiber one granola bar has chocolate in it so I felt like a fat pig. Who eats chocolate at noon?
Then I finally exercised after half an hour of procrastination. I did TWENTY-FIVE miles in one hour. 25.2 to be exact. Then I did 30 minutes of other stuff so I think I'm good. The majority of my day was spent playing video games...lame, I know. My calories were under 1,200 today which is very hard for me to accomplish.
There was a lot of binge food around today. For no apparent reason whatsoever, my brother picked up 18 krispy kreme donuts from the store...which I only eat if I'm already in binge mode anyway so I wasn't overly tempted. Then when my mom came home she had a pan of brownies from grandma's house. They're plain, though, nothing special. If they were peanut butter chunk, I would be writing a very bleak blog right now instead of this. My sister brought over a pack of those lofthouse cookies which have green icing on them...and GLITTER SPRINKLES. Did you know such a thing existed? I admit two days ago I ate about six of them (180 cals each, wow) but I haven't touched them since. Those were leftover from my nephew's birthday, and there was also a pack of store-made cupcakes (ew) in chocolate (double ew). Dinner was fresh chicken which I abhor. It seems so much bloodier than frozen for some reason. It didn't cook all the way through, which made me really mad, but hey that's less calories in MY stomach so why complain.
I always fall off the wagon around this time of night but I stashed away the cheddar chex mix (I have cheesy mini rice cakes instead if the urge strikes) and I'm watching episodes of DietTribe online. Stacy Kaiser is on this show, which is one reason I watch it. She's been the therapist for a couple seasons of Celeb Fit Club. DietTribe is a silly show, I can't relate to it at all, but I still like watching other people do all that work. Makes me tired, and since I just chugged a vanilla coke zero I need something like this to combat the caffeine before bedtime.
Edit: I forgot to mention that yesterday I had dinner for breakfast (tilapia, baked potato, sugar-free hot chocolate) after my workout and it was a really good idea. At 11:45 pm I was still cramming things in my mouth to bring my calorie level up. I think I'll do that from now on.
Last edited on 21 January 2009 03:24 am by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 03:40 am |
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Fish for breakfast, huh? Hey, whatever works. I watched that Diettribe a few times after someone else mentioned it here in a journal. I agree it is hard to connect with the people on the show.
As for who eats chocolate at noon, welcome to my world haha! No, really, if I could I would eat it all day, starting with those chocolate covered donuts for breakfast. But hmmmm, that's the kind of behavior that got me to be such a chunk again, so I'll skip those donuts just like you did! It's a good thing the cupcakes were the wrong kind, the brownies were plain, etc. No temptations!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 08:20 pm |
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Woke up and went to the grocery store. Thought I'd take a pic of my outfit to see what I look like in street clothes to other people.
The bone in my lower arm is weird because my arms are very squishy. I haven't been lifting weights lately. I can live with the upper body I guess but I'd love to lose about three inches in my upper thigh area. You can't even tell those pants are a size too big.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 03:03 am |
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I have very stupid thought processes. For one thing, the only way for me to make bad food vanish is by eating it. I don't know why that is. I don't think it stems from the guilt of living in an excessive country. It's more like..."there's only one donut left and if I don't eat it, I won't have had ANY in this whole batch." I don't even like donuts that much, they're pure sugar and virtually no flavor. Then there's the chex mix and the brownies that I could put in the microwave with a glob of peanut butter on top...I need to just be good and go watch Top Chef and drink some warm water. Yeah.
DAY THREE OF CLEAN EATING? MAYBE? 
Edit: nope. When I was shopping today I saw that slimfast bars were $1 each (which is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying a box!) so I bought three. And I....ate all three today. 660 calories of granola. What is that? Honestly, I need to make a list of my greatest weaknesses and avoid them like the plague. All I can think about is how I didn't burn the 720 calories that I was aiming for today and now I've got this on top of it. I can't focus on tv, I can't even watch Top Chef. Just frustrated. I should've brushed my teeth after dinner and quit eating for the day. I am a very ridiculous person. It all started when Carla mentioned that stupid cashew brittle. I wasn't even thinking about eating until that point. But I can't blame someone on tv for my bad choices. So from now on.......I guess no more foods that come in bar form.
Last edited on 22 January 2009 03:53 am by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 03:03 am |
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| Aww, Ash, don't pick yourself apart. You look very cute and have a nice figure. If there are some small things you want to change, I am sure you can make it happen.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 10:45 pm |
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Today I was depressed and sick of winter so I went and bought a few diet sodas. For some reason they make me think of summer. They're light, you can chug a couple and still bounce around all happy. Or maybe it's because I never went to a football game without one. I miss having friends!!!!!!!  God it's lonely in this town. I was in a picture-taking mood today because I had to do my car (don't ask, I'm repressing it). Most people put bedding and clothes in their closet. I hoard food in mine :[
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/8268/foodstashhv1.jpg
I also hoard beverages in liquid form.
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/335/popzx1.jpg
Oh. I also got Taylor Swift's new cd as a pick-me-up. Haven't heard anything from it. I've decided it's a gift to myself for when I hit 136 OR for my birthday, whichever comes first. Four pounds in four weeks.
But that didn't help my depression! No, of course not. I tried in vain to take a nap and forget all about mcdonald's. All day it's been in my head that I will have mcdonald's today. So I go to the gas station for a $1.19 cappuccino (not sugar-free or fat-free) and to mcd's. I'm an inside person, so I went in. But this old chick cut in line with her two kids, one of which was running around and about to knock into me. So I quietly left and went to walmart to buy equivalent items. I only ate half of my chicken (still a big portion). That's something. I know I need to get right back on my diet.....as soon as this cappuccino is gone. I could dump it down the drain, that's only like throwing away 60 cents. Yeah, I'll do that. So at 5:45 I stopped bingeing. Whoo.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 01:17 am |
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My eating problems have gotten to the point where I no longer sit for half an hour at my computer, staring blankly at the screen and agonizing about the idea of bingeing. I just go straight into it. This is very bad. I need to cut up my walmart card. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think I could have any sort of responsibility whatsoever without abusing it. Actually I should take it out of my purse and put it in my desk. That ought to work for about a week.
Tonight's binge was...let's see. 1/4 of a carton of potato wedges from Lee's Chicken. About two tablespoons of ketchup. One bite of haagen dazs black walnut ice cream (it tastes nothing like the stuff at work! ew). One slice of Edward's chocolate silk pie.
I think I'm done eating now. Before the binge my total was like 750 calories. Lately I've been asking myself why I want to binge and it says "because I'm depressed and I need something to boost my spirits, even if it is temporarily." I suppose that's legit. But there are other things. Like cartoons and jigsaw puzzles and A-Teens. Hmm. Maybe I just like the motion of eating. I should figure out how to make slushies out of my sugar-free peach tea. You'd think just stick it in the freezer, but you are so very wrong. That's not how it works at all. And I don't have a snow cone machine or anything like that. Another thing I thought of doing was filling a jug with decaf coffee and refrigerating it. I could pour in some soymilk and nuke it whenever I wanted.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 07:00 pm |
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| I hope you get control of the binges and figure out what is driving them. It is one of my biggest struggles too. Try not to get too down about it, because that just contributes to the cycle. When I was young and having a hard time controlling my card use, I would take the card and put it in a glass of water, then freeze it. If you want to use it, you have to go home, get it and let it thaw out. Usually takes care of those impulse purchases but then you will still have the card if you really need it.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 08:23 pm |
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| Does it make me a bad person if I think my sister is a nasty, gigantic worthless slob who needs to fall off the face of the earth?
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 09:55 pm |
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| No, it doesn't make you a bad person. There are times when I can't stand my sister either. It will pass. Just be careful not to say something to her that you might regret later.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 10:11 pm |
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| Good advice, CPort. If anyone would have told me that my sister would turn into a close friend when I was a teen, I would have LOL! However, time and distance (read: not living under the same roof!) has really helped us learn to like one another. Hope you get there some day.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 10:46 pm |
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| Same here MJ. My sister and I always got along fairly well. But, we never liked each other to well, until we went our separate ways. Now we see each other a couple of times a year and it's much better.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 10:49 pm |
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Here's the thing, though. She comes over all the #%@&! time unannounced because she lives four minutes away (before we moved, it was 25. yeah, I'm sad too). She just knows EVERYTHING, she's NEVER WRONG, and how dare you challenge her vast, boundless intelligence? She's 315 pounds, 29 years old, emotionally needy, complains about everyone. It's obviously jealousy because she finds fault when our friends get new tvs or computers that are mysteriously bigger than hers. She lives in a free house that our dad (or, as she lovingly refers to him, "MY DAD") gave to her and doesn't charge her rent. She's on welfare, we pay her phone bill for her, and yet she has a new car every four months. Oh, but our stepsister who lives the same way is poor white trash and a despicable example of a human being, there's no disputing that! Then she drops $200 every week on pizza rolls and other nasty bull at the grocery. I just can't figure her out. Like right now she works as a barista in her vocational school's cafeteria (OMG NUH UH IT'S REAL COLLEGE) and she just explained to me a minute ago how she can make a calorie-free chocolate peppermint mocha every day. Okay. That's why she's so freaking skinny, right? She counts her calories? She uses measuring spoons? Coffee has calories. Peppermint syrup has calories. Milk has calories. She even looked at me with a straight face and said hershey's syrup has no calories.
She just drives me nuts. Every time I look at her I lose my mind a little bit more.
Thanks for letting me rant a little. 
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 11:08 pm |
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| Well, sounds like sis is tremendously unhappy and it spills out on you. I would say kill her with kindness. When she tells you hershey's syrup is calorie-free, say I'll have to try that. Thanks for the tip. Man, if only it was true...
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2009 11:27 pm |
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lol, good idea Mj! Yea, kill her with kindness. It will send her over the edge, lol.
Gee, if that's true about the syrup, then I bet the brownies I ate today are calorie free also, lol
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 January 2009 09:43 pm |
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I am swearing off the following foods forever:
Cashews
Granola bars
Flavored rice cakes
Sunflower chips
Chex mix
Cheerios mix
Peanut brittle
Chocolate chips
Every single time, I binge on them and my day is wasted. I am so sick of wasting my days, months, years. I work out way too hard to eat this #%@&!.
Edit: Now my room is free of all those things. Fantastic. Now I have no excuses. I wonder how long it takes before I make up a few dozen. I moved my handweights into my room. Hopefully I'll do something on commercial breaks since I spend so much of my time watching tv.
Last edited on 26 January 2009 12:59 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 January 2009 11:50 pm |
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This morning I woke up around 9:20. Worked out, showered, done with all that around 11:40 when my stepdad and I did the grocery shopping. At first I was mad because my mom could have done it if she'd really wanted to, she was up at 9:20 when I was. I go with her a lot of the time so it's not like she does everything herself. Either way I got out of the house. Didn't eat until around 3:15. I forget why. So of course my blood sugar was very low and no matter what healthy food I ate, it wasn't getting back up. A very thinly-veiled excuse. I ended up eating about 3/4 c ice cream (all that was left) with about 2 tbsp melted peanut butter and maybe 1 1/2 of chocolate syrup. Then I got into the cheddar rice quakes. Why do I even have those? Either way I had about 20 of those. They don't taste like rice cakes at all. They taste suspiciously like corn puffs. I went to the store for junk food, can you believe that #%@&!. I thought I swore off that. Either way all I got was a pint of ice cream and a candy bar. I had about 1/4 of that ice cream and I weighed myself out of curiosity. It said 140.8 so for the rest of the night it's fruit and calorie-free drinks. Like the diet root beer I got for 64 cents. I wonder why I didn't just make egg sandwiches when I started my food fest. That'll be breakfast tomorrow, then. That and some burning-hot coffee.
I wonder when I'm just going to accept the fact that I binge every single day. If my workout burned off the binge I wouldn't care, but it doesn't.
Does anyone subscribe to Weight Watchers magazine? It's kinda pricey but I like keeping something around the house that I can read and re-center myself with.
Edit: Whatever. I ate the whole pint of ice cream. Are you gonna hang me for it?
Last edited on 27 January 2009 12:51 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 January 2009 03:14 am |
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I've been sleeping less and less. 7 hours for me is a very small amount...heh. Today, to the shock of millions, I went out and got a half gallon of ice cream, a pint of another flavor, and baby goldfish crackers. We're supposed to get a foot of snow and I was worried I wouldn't have anything to cheat with and I would start feeling claustrophobic because of it. The binge was 1,078 calories, my rough workout was 1,038. So close. Then I've had 740 cals of healthy food on top of that. Not the best, not the worst. 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 January 2009 12:31 am |
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I've been consistently doing at least 730 calories each workout, and I've only skipped 5 workouts so far in January. I think it's making a difference, I don't hit the 142 mark anymore until I've binged and/or drank a lot of water. Tonight's binge was about 80% of a batch of peanut brittle...and a bowl of churned moose tracks ice cream. I'd estimate a cup and a third, so that's 340 calories there. The brittle was a huge amount I don't even want to visualize. The night started as a "one-person sleepover" where I had an enormous cup of diet root beer, tortilla chips, and a few tablespoons out of a new jar of salsa (which I also dislike. Why am I so picky?). What is it about a two-liter bottle that just says "MOVIE NIGHT"? My nephew let me borrow Space Chimps. I still haven't watched it, I got completely off track.
Now I'm sitting here like "why peanut brittle? WHY? it's pure Karo!" and drinking a big glass of green tea. I cling to the vain, misguided hope that green tea prevents sugar from being absorbed. The claim was 91% I got that idea from a really old magazine ad about diet tea. It was like "You can enjoy your favorite foods, even sticky buns. But beware, [product name] is not a license to gorge yourself." Of course it's absurd but the power of my mind, I think, has influenced the scale more than a few times. Usually when I was in my "if you don't weigh x, you're not going out with your friends" phase around sophomore year.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 January 2009 02:29 pm |
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I love peanut brittle. There is no way I could of turned my back on it. So, don't beat yourself up about. Just get back at it.
And even though you have a few cheats here and there. It's good that you are getting in some good habits as well. Like the green tea.
So, just hang in there. It will get better and better as time goes. 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 January 2009 07:18 pm |
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Today's activities were marred by the discovery of ice cream in my pillow case.
Ice cream.
In my pillow case.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I'm always brushing crumbs out of my bed and I know I dropped a tiny bit of ice cream yesterday but I never imagined it was in the open end of my pillow case. I had a mental breakdown when I saw it. It's a wonder I didn't smell it. It had to have been there 20 hours. So now I'm never eating in bed ever again, I'm gonna vacuum my sheets really well, and I'm going to start eating at this desk instead with the monitor turned off. I've always known a big hindrance to my weight loss was my need to have something to eat when watching tv. Well, now that's not an option at all.
I'm also becoming very germphobic. I can't even think sometimes when I see that someone's microwaved a hot dog without a plate. I can't even use the microwave until I clean it out. That's just disgusting. Think about it. You innocently put your nice, freshly washed coffee cup in there in the mornings. Where do you put that cup when you're eating? On your lap, if you're juggling something? On your table? What else goes on that table? Bills? Coupons? Then you get to carry around hot dog residue all day! I can't stand it. I really need a job so I can just move out and not have to worry about that stuff anymore.
My birthday is in 16 days, and of course, I'm going to try to lose 4 pounds by then. I think I'll go back to exercising in the mornings, then lifting weights in the evenings. I would have to shower again anyway because of the 12 hours that transpire between exercise and sleeping. All righty, let's give that a shot.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 January 2009 10:17 pm |
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I don't know, sounds like your setting yourself up there. With no eating in front of the tv. I would go at it more slowly. Like only allow good snacks when watching tv or something. But, if you really think you can handle it, then go for it....
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 January 2009 11:11 pm |
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Ashley's guide to life.
Please read. Forward if necessary.
1. If you were stupid enough to have children, either leave them at home or stay home with them. Everyone hates kids, especially yours, and no one cares what new accomplishment yours has achieved.
2. Pay your own bills. You're not poor if you can buy a new car.
3. Eat your own food. Cook it at your house. Quit laying on my #%@&!ing couch all afternoon and eating our god#%@&!ed wallets when nightfall comes and we can't eat OUR dinner that WE paid for because YOU don't have the sense to go home and stay there.
4. Don't ever make anyone else babysit. Ever. It's your fault you have a kid, now take care of it yourself. You thought you were grown-up and responsible enough for a child but you're clearly not if you're dumping it off somewhere different every day.
5. Don't grocery shop on weekends. I'm dead serious.
Thanks for listening and tune in next week for more genius tips from someone who is easily irritated.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 January 2009 11:46 pm |
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lol, your cracking me up.....
I will definitely be tuning in again. Nice to see I am not the only one who gets annoyed...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 February 2009 03:29 am |
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What have I been up to, you ask? (Let's pretend). Lately, I am obsessed with tricking the scale. It happens every time I hit 139 early in the morning after months of being in the mid-140s. So I drink a lot of sparkling fruit water, exercise for only one hour instead of whatever my mind makes up, and I eat about 250 calories during the day. Then, because I've accepted the fact that I binge every single night of my life, I wait for my mom to get home around 8:30 ish. If she brought food, which she only does about five times a year, I go ahead and eat it. If not, I'll have some 'bad' food. Like stovetop popcorn with melted butter, or a pack of break-n-bake cookies. My stepdad's birthday is in two days, so I bought him a Hershey's Pot of Gold chocolate box. I have to try really, really hard not to eat it. I actually had it in my hands this afternoon. But I won that battle, and they're still in my closet. I wonder if wrapping them will make me more reluctant to touch them. So, no Sundays since I started this bender, so I can't tell you if my measurements have been affected. I only know that today after a workout and a shower, I hit 136.6. After my cookies I'm 139.4, though
On the bright side, I found a way to avoid the horrible microwave. The bathroom sink gets hot water pretty fast, but the TUB faucet gets it instantly. Hot water, tea, hot chocolate, whatever, all in an instant. Love it.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 February 2009 01:05 am |
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I'm furious 24/7. I can't help it. I'm too mad to even think. I just want to scream and give up and beat the #%@&! out of someone. I feel like doing something hideously irresponsible and dangerous. I'm so sick of being the quiet little girl who never does anything she's not supposed to, never tells anyone how she really feels. You think I'm a loudmouth on here? Well duh, it's the internet. In real life, I'm the total opposite.
Maybe I'm watching too much Malcolm in the Middle, but I just want to be a Reese for like, ten minutes.
Last edited on 7 February 2009 01:06 am by AshIdiot
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