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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 17 April 2008 12:44 am |
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I think I'm failing.
This is soo hard!
It's so hard to count all those calories and make sure not to over eat.
So... I just gave up on that and started pigging out....
But now I feel so guilty, I've been eating so unhealthily over the last week or 2.
And I've been feeling very stressed out with all the homework, assignments, projects, and tests! So much work and not enough time for exercise! (or fun) (or sleep) (or anything really) ...
I was (maybe) going to get turbo jam maximum results from ebay, but I didn't bid in time and the auctions ended and now there are none left. There were 6 and they all ended around the same time. 
I think I went up a pound too. Or more. Atleast 1 probably.
How do you guys do it? The more I try, the more I fail!!
I partly blame my environment. If people around me ate healthy, then I would too! But since they're all eating junk, I do too. If my pantry was stocked with healthy stuff, I'd only eat healthy stuff... If my friends only ate healthy stuff, then there wouldn't be junk to pig out on when I go over..
I can't healthy stuff ever taste as good as junk?! Salads can be pretty yummy, but they can't compare with a juicy hamburger. And plain salads are just too bland. All my favourite foods are extremely fattening!! So unfair.
I suck at exercising. Are there any exercises that are actually fun and still make you breathe heavy and stuff?
Gah! I can never get motivated or stick to this healthiness stuff.
My parents are being stupid too. They critisize the way I look and stuff, but now that I'm actually trying to do something about it, they're telling me I look fine! They say that NOW. Like I will believe them. They're probably just saying that so they don't have to pay money for healthy stuff and turbo jam....
Me+         = 
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 April 2008 02:56 am |
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Hey Slimwish, good to hear from you. I know you are struggling right now, but glad you are being honest and talking about things.
I know what you mean about being around friends or family who are not particularly healthy. It would be so much easier to do it together, and so you have recognized an environmental factor that is waiting to sabotage you...if YOU let it. And boy all the stress you talk about isn't very helpful either.
Sounds like you need a good day to get jump started again. Forget what is past. Perhaps you should pick a day you are going to start back on the wagon, a day that you expect to be not so stressful and won't be eating out with your friends so that you have a better chance of success.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 17 April 2008 08:54 pm |
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Thanks Molly!
Breakfast:
apple smoothie: 100 cal.
half can of tuna: 60cal.
greasy looking noodle stuff: 150cal?
Total: 310cal.
Lunch:
Bagel: 230cal.
Green tea diet drink: 0cal.
2 cookies
Total: 400cal.
-EDIT-
I was going okay until....
Linner:
- piece of bread: 90 cal.
-pepperoni stick: 100cal.
-cheese: 150cal?
-half can of tuna: 60cal.
-tofu: 40cal.
-2 cups of frozen veggie: 250cal??
-some bits and pieces of other food: 100cal.
Total: 790cal. 
Dinner!:
-Rice: 180cal?
-Chicken covered in greasy looking sauce: 200cal?
-Bits and pieces of other food: 100cal
-banana smoothie: 100cal?
Total: 580cal.
TOTAL FOR DAY: 2080
I was doing well.
Good news: My dad says I can get turbo jam
Bad news: No turbo jam maximum results on ebay that sends to Canada. And I don't trust to order from Beach Body.
*sigh*
Worrying about my weight is starting to consume too much of my time.
SW
Last edited on 18 April 2008 04:24 am by slimwish
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 April 2008 08:59 pm |
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 Thatta girl! I haven't done my exercise yet for the day and its already 4PM now so I am gonna go talk a walk. I'll check in on you later!
OK well now I guess I'd better edit my post too, to add: These are the times when you really need to think about what made you start 'grazing' and try to find a pattern. If you can recognize the triggers, you can get control over them. Hppe you are doing OK SW.
Last edited on 18 April 2008 07:40 pm by mollymoo24
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 20 April 2008 03:13 pm |
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I think I'm going to post my mood to find a pattern.
I might order turbo jam maximum results soon. :P
Mood: blah.
Breakfast:
Canned Tuna- 60cal.
Rice- 180cal?
Tofu- 60cal.
Chicken covered in sauce- 200cal?
Apple- 70cal.
Total: 570cal.
Lunch:
Kabalsa (probably 2 or so cm)- 200cal.
Tofu- 80cal.
Pieces of mango- 70cal?
Total: 350cal.
(Very filling lunch! Wow! Only 350 cal!)
Snack:
Tortilla Chips- 150cal?
Popsicle- 40cal?
Some gum- 10cal.
Total: 200cal.
Dinner:
Rice- 160cal?
Mackeral- 80cal?
Boiled egg- 88cal.
Salad- 30cal?
Total: 358cal.
Total for day so far: 1468 cal.
So far so good! I'm going to try to stay under 1600 cal.
WOW!! I've had dinner and I'm still under 1600cal! I was sure I went over that... Weird.. I didn't even watch what I ate, pigged out, and so far soo good! Strange! Maybe I forgot something? I hope not!
I also went outside with my friends today and we biked for a few mins, walked, and jogged for a little bit. I probably didn't burn that many calories from that but I did get some exercise I guess.
Thanks mol! I think I might bid on TJMR today or tomorrow!
Last edited on 20 April 2008 11:18 pm by slimwish
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 20 April 2008 09:19 pm |
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SW i am checking in on you all the way from Budapest so I hope you continue to do well today. One day at a time, right? And...if the folks said you could get the Turbo Jam, then what are you waiting for? Mol
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 21 April 2008 08:24 pm |
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I won it!
I won Turbo Jam Maximum Results from ebay for $46 US!! ($56 with s&h)
EEEP! I just have to wait till my dad comes home, and then we'll pay for it and then it'll be here in 2-6 weeks!
Wow, I've been interested in TJMR for MONTHS! I hope it's really as good as it sounds!!
YAY!
Breakfast:
-2 hard boiled eggs with only half a yolk : 100cal?
-Some tuna: 40cal.
Total: 140cal.
Lunch:
Bagel: 230cal.
2 cookies: 180cal.
Total: 410cal.
Linner:
*eating now*
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 April 2008 09:10 pm |
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Slimwish,
Wow! I've been reading over your last few entries..........most all of us have been through those struggles, so we do so know what you are going through.
If I might give you a bit of advice, from what I've learned.............you know yesterday when you said you were really full? I think it's because you had plenty of protein in your meal. I have found that protein and/or fiber really fill me up! So, even though I don't eat much meat, I try to have some protein with every meal.....natural peanut butter, raw nuts, Egg Beaters, whole grains, and yes even veggies have protein!
My other piece of advice would be to try to limit your processed foods. Whole foods are much more filling (lots of fiber), healthier, and usually less calories. Make sure your grains are whole grains...........it should say "100% whole grain" on the label.........rice should be brown or wild rice........pastas should say "100% whole grain". If it doesn't say "100%" it is probably made with processed white flour.....that means it will quickly break down into sugar, and start your cravings coming, so it will be harder to resist those bad foods.
BTW, I've got the original Turbo Jam, and I love it!
Last edited on 21 April 2008 09:11 pm by Hisgal
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 22 April 2008 08:52 pm |
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=(
I feel stupid...
I just realized...
....
The Turbo Jam set I ordered doesn't come with the elite 11 flash cards or the TURBO GLOVES!!!!! 
I should've paid more attention!
Oh well...
I'm expecting the delivery to take about 10 days.
How helpful are the gloves and cards anyways?
---
EDIT
---
I have an idea! Can someone please scan the elite 11 cards for me so I can read how to do the moves? Maybe you can upload the pictures onto photobucket and send me the link through personal messaging??
I really want to know how to do the moves right!
-edit-
Ergg.. I'm upset about the no weighted gloves! It's gonna take another $25 to order them seperately.
-edit again-
I have another idea!
For my turbo jam gloves problem....... I CAN MAKE MY OWN! (maybe).
My idea is... I'll get zip lock bags and feel them with something like pennies to make them a pound. And then I'll get some gloves.. And then I'd cut the fingers off, so my fingers can breathe. And lastly, I'll duct tape the ziplog bags full of pennies or what ever onto the gloves to make them weighted!!!
Does that sound crazy or do-able?
What do you think?!
Last edited on 22 April 2008 11:43 pm by slimwish
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 April 2008 02:10 am |
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Slimwish,
I wouldn't worry too much about the Elite 11 cards..........I didn't get them with mine. One of the begining sessions just teaches the moves. Maybe you are different than I am, but I do much better by watching and imitating. I learned them in no time, and I'm a 52 year old grandmother!
I do know Scoobees and others have the gloves and love them! You can try making your own and see how it goes. Otherwise, have you checked the sports stores to see if they would have something similar? Probably less than $25 too! I even ordered my Turbo Jam from Amazon.com.......much cheaper and faster.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 23 April 2008 09:14 pm |
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Oh, skiracer is going to take some pictures of the elite 11 cards for me so yay! 
I checked on Walmart online, and I think they sell some weighted gloves for $11...
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=8056509
I attempted to make my own, but it didn't go so well. I put a lot of pennies in the bags, but it still felt so weightless!
I also found these weighted vests with really good reviews here:
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=5481392
I've been eating badly lately.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 24 April 2008 04:01 am |
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I have realized that... ... ...
I'm an emotional eater.
I found out from here:
http://www.diet.com/dietblogs/read_blog.php?title=8+Signs+Of+Emotional+Eating&blid=7923
I show most of the symptoms.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 25 April 2008 03:49 am |
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I'm getting obsessed with my appearance!!
I've realized I'm getting a bit obsessive... It's all I seem to be thinking about. I'm spending too much time and energy over it. And it's not just my weight-- It's how I look overall! (eg. facial features, height, clothing, other stuff)
Lately I haven't been having any fun time for myself. So I started thinking and it's cause I spend so much time on the web reading about whatever to improve how I look and stuff.
I'd be in class at school and I would start thinking about how ugly I look. Well, not just at school. I just keep thinking that. I've also realized that I keep critisizing myself. And it's not like some other person in my head that goes "You are ugly". It's myself saying "I am ugly."
I hate my genetics! That's another thing I keep fussing about-- my genetics. It sounds pretty stupid cause it's not like I can change my genetics, but still... I'm always thinking, "why couldn't I have been slim like my dad's side?"
"Why couldn't I have gotten the height from my mom's side?"
"Why did I have to get my dad's fat nose?"
"Why couldn't I have gotten my mom's nice eyebrows?"
"Why do I have to be allergic to piercings like my mom?"
"Why did I have to get my dad's weird blotchy looking discoloured back?"
"Why couldn't I have gotten my chest from my mom's side?"
"Why couldn't I have gotten my face shape from my dad's side?"
"Why couldn't I have gotten my mom's thick smooth hair?"
"Why did I have to get my weirdly shaped eyes?! I don't even know which side that's from."
"WHYYY?!?!"
. . . . .
I also keep seeing myself as a fashion disaster. I'm so jealous of my friends, they're all so much more fasionable than me. They're all rich too. I love where I live, but I'm jealous of a lot of the people around me. I'd say I live in a big town or small city. Though technically I live in a city, but it feels like I live in a town for some weird reason. But that's not even the point. Anyways, back to topic... Where I live, a lot of people are slim, athletic, and rich (it seems). Okay, they're probably not all rich, but I know quite a bit of people who are, and a lot seem like they're wealthy cause they all shop at Hollister, AE, etc. That's practically all people wear in my school.
Plus there's very little diversity where I live... And it makes me feel excluded. Or socially unacceptable or something. I'll be with my friends with their blonde/brunette hair and blue, green, hazel eyes with their expensive Hollister shirts or whatever, and I'd stick out like a sore thumb. Or so it seems...
And then I worry if I'll die alone cause I'm not pretty enough. All the guys seem to go for lightskinned, lighter haired girls... sterotypical... Is it just cause there's more girls like that or is it cause being different makes you ugly or something? I know it's their own personal preference, but it still makes me feel like I'm the ugliest thing at school. Am I socially unacceptable cause I don't wear expensive clothes? Or does it have to do with my socially awkward, shyness? Nah, it probably all has to do with my body.
No wait! Maybe it has to do with the way I talk... Maybe I have some weird accent or something. I HATE MY VOICE! It's so ugly I'd be so friggen annoyed if I knew a person that sounded like myself. I've heard voice recordings, and videos of myself and I have the most annoying voice ever!!! There's something that's just... stupid.. about my voice. I asked people if I had an accent, and they said no. Are they lying?? I don't know, but my voice still sounds horrible!!! I have this semi-high pitched voice, and pronounce words annoyingly. WHYYYYYYY?!! Could it be because I used to be like selectively mute when I was younger? ... I'm not 100% sure that I used to be, but I've read the symptoms and I had I think almost all of them. So I consider myself as a previous selective mute. So maybe I don't have enough experience talking... Sometimes I still have mute moments and show the symptoms, but I probably don't have it anymore since it's really rare to have it at my age. I don't show that many symptoms anymore, but I still have many of the traits.
Okay this is random, but it's from wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism
(traits)
- A difficulty in maintaining eye contact
- A reluctance to smile and a tendency to have a blank facial expressions
- Stiff, awkward body movements
- Particular anxiety in situations where speech is normally expected (answering school registers, saying hello, goodbye, thank you, etc.)
- A tendency to worry about things more than other people
- A sensitivity to noise and crowds or crowded situations
- Difficulty with verbal and non-verbal expression
- Frequent temper tantrums at home
- Fear of using public restrooms
- Compulsive traits
- Clinging behaviour
Orange means I show that trait, and pink means I show that trait, but it's not too severe. Blue means I might show that trait, but I'm not sure what they mean.
Okay... What the heck?! How did I end up at this topic? Sorry for all the random rants.
Main point... I think I'm obsessive (I wonder if I have slight OCD...), ugly, a fashion disaster, weird, socially unacceptable, and weird.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 26 April 2008 02:54 pm |
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Ughhh...
I feel down.
I don't want to do anything, but I want to want to do something.
There are things I need to do, but I feel.. bored.
Wow, I usually never feel bored! My life is always hectic and
here are always things to do.
There are things to do on the computer that I really like doing, but now I don't feel like doing anything. That's weird cause I'm a computer addict...
I just feel like lying down and maybe watching some TV which requires you to do nothing but look at the screen.
And that's weird cause I'm more of a computer person than a TV person.
AHH! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!
I'm still very full from pigging out yesterday, but maybe I'll eat some food. Eating food is always fun. ... Yum...
... Maybe not, I don't feel like eating anymore. Too full.
Bleh.
Why do I feel so bored?!?! I felt like this yesterday too. I never feel this way...
Or is it apathy?? I don't know..
& I've got a project to do...
I wonder if this site is my new obsession... Everytime I go on the computer, I really hope that someone has replied to my posts and stuff.
I can't wait till my turbo jam comes... Maybe it'll solve all my problems.. hah.
I could be my new obsession.. maybe..
SOMEONE REPLY TO THIS POST!!! PLEASEEEE.
Anyone feel this way??? Maybe I'm just weird. Yeah, probably.
Maybe by the time someone replies, I'll be feeling normaler or something.. heh. ...
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 April 2008 04:47 pm |
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| Hey SW, sounds like you need to find something to channel all that energy and enthusiasm into. I can't wait to see if you like Turbo Jam. In the meantime, how about going for a 45 minute walk today? Is it nice out by you? It's beautiful here. I just got back from nice walk myself and it feels great!
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 26 April 2008 06:05 pm |
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Heh.. I went on a 2 minute and 40 second run on my treadmill!
I guess that's better than nothing lol.
If I had a dog I would go for a walk... I bet pets help with weight loss! 
Running is soo exhausting..
I never get that ectastic feeling that people talk about when they run! I have excerised for 20+ min before, but I still don't get that feeling!
It just hurts to breathe.
And I probably don't run properly since it sounds like I'm stomping when I run!
Too much impact???
I'm want hummus. I ran out of it a while ago. And I want some veggies to go with it!
So far I haven't been good with food today. 
-ediiitt-
I really want some new clothes cause I don't have any summer clothes!!
While all my friends are wearing little short shorts, I'm wearing my jeans! In the hot sun! 
BUT, I don't want to go summer shopping and then end up not using them once I become slimmer with Turbo Jam!
(If I do ever get slimmer lol)
So, I think I'm just going to get like one new shorts and a new top or two....
And maybe a pair of flats..
Maybe.
I'm going to start on my project now! (maybe).
SW
Last edited on 26 April 2008 06:09 pm by slimwish
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 April 2008 11:48 pm |
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Hey SW how did the project go?
2 minutes on the treadmill huh? Hmmmmm. How about instead of running and pounding you just take a brisk walk. How about 15 minutes today? You know what works for me is if I can start at the beginning of a 30 or 60 minute tv program and then I just end up watching the program and lose track of the time.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 29 April 2008 05:02 am |
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I think I did the project pretty well... Though I stayed up till past 4am.
! I wish my treadmill was infront of the TV! That'd be so awesome!
*
Arggggggggggggggggggh.
I am hating my brother. Seriously.
HE IS SUCH A #%@&!ING BRAT! Sometimes I don't even think it's just sibling rivalary.
I know this is a horrible thing to say... but..... I think that I'd be happier without him in my life. Honestly.
I bet a pretty big part of my depression is cause of him.
I've never told anyone that before..
Arg.
... He always gets more attention than me.. From my parents.
AND I'M NOT #%@&!ING EXAGGERATING. It's not even a competition. He was just born first. (No pun intended).
He always gets special treatment. He gets away with everything.
The way I say it, just sounds like another stupid idiotic sibling thing, but it isn't. I know it. I KNOW.
I don't know how to say it...
It feels like I've been feeling the same way since forever...
It feels like no one understands cause everything just sounds so stupid.
It just sounds like I'm jealous of my brother.
Ugh. I sound so stupid.
But I know... I know that in fact he really does get special treatment. It's not all in my head or something.
ARGH!!
Sometimes I just want to punch out the wall.
... Well I actually did put a hole in the wall.. Out of anger... I kicked it....
Anyways.
The point is..
Well I actually don't know what the point is. But,
my brother is selfish.
I just feel really bad.
Things have changed, but some things are the same.
I've always felt this way.
I've always felt.. that my parents love my brother more. It's probably true too.
If I go through my old diaries, that's what I'd write about. I'd write about how much I hate my brother, parents, and how he always gets away with everything. I'd write about how unfair my parents treat me. But I'm pretty sure I ripped most of those pages out, cause I don't like remember that stuff.
Ugh. Sometimes I just wanna run away. Or hide in a closet. Hah. I do that sometimes.
I'd hide in a closet or somewhere and pretend I don't exist.
I'd do the same when I was like 6. I actually remember hiding in a closet from years ago. I was testing if anyone cared to look for me... I still do that.
Arg.
I'm so confused.
Everything is weird. Everything is unfair.
My moods change so quickly, I feel like an idiot. I know after I post this, I'll read it later and go "Wow! I must've been stupid for feeling that way".
Life sucks.
SW
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 April 2008 02:19 pm |
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Slimwish,
I wish I could help your pain! I can feel it in your words. If you haven't read it yet, go to Victor Version's diary and read the story he inserted there about choices. It's very wise! You, and no one else, determines your happiness and contentment, by how you act or re-act to everything that comes at you in life.
On a different note...........I have 3 grown children, all married and out of the house now. When they were little, you can't believe how many times I heard them say to me, that they knew I loved one or the other of them more than I loved them!  God gives a wonderful gift in the ability to love...........He gives us enough for all! I was so worried when my second daughter was born...........I loved my firstborn daughter so much, I was so scared that I couldn't love my second daughter as much. I was the one amazed to find out that I loved them both more than words could say. Then came our son, and that love stretched and grew by leaps and bounds, to include him. It such a wonderful mystery...........God gave us that ability to love, because He first loved us. I can't speak for your parents, but many I've talked to have been amazed at the same thing.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 29 April 2008 10:34 pm |
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Thanks Hisgal :)
I don't know about my parents...
My mom's always telling me not to have children when I'm older... Cause she says I'll regret it like she does.
Basically she hates me.
That reminds me... I'm EXTREMELY worried about my future.
I honestly can't even imagine myself having one.
What will I be? What will I do? Where will I live?
Will I have enough money? Will I get a job? Will I find a boyfriend?
I'm so so so so so so so so scared of the future.
Everyone's always told me I had a long time to think about what I want to be, but now that my future is only a few more years away, I'M VERY NERVOUS.
My friends seem pretty cool about it, but not I.
I'm scared #%@&!less.
I'm even afraid of volunteering.
How will I ever get a job?
-BREAK- arggh #%@&!, my mom's calling me up, I'll continue this later.
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 30 April 2008 11:53 am |
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| Your post reminded me of the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkDwrGPcChM
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 April 2008 02:39 pm |
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Slimwish,
First of all, that insecurity and worry about the future, is I think, pretty normal in teenagers. Those who really care, can dwell on it, and probably especially when their parents aren't helping them.
I remember, waaaaaaay back...............I was a senior, and the guidance counselor was pressing me to decide on a career and a school to go to. Well, in those days the majority of females, probably went into nursing or teaching........or got married and had kids. My Dad pressed me to go into nursing, so I did. I went into a 2 yr program to become an RN. I worked for less than a year after I got licensed............then stayed home to raise my children. When I went back into the work force, God gave me a wonderful part-time job (which has since become full-time) in an office doing bookkeeping. I'd always loved numbers and working with them. I should have become an accountant, but I listened to my Dad. So, Slimwish, you may not know what the future holds, but listen to your heart. Think long and hard about what makes you happy.........about what sort of things you really enjoy doing. If you plan to go on to college/tech college after high school.........do something you enjoy.
If you parents can't or won't help financially, take out loans and get a job. We couldn't afford to pay for our children's college education. They had to take out loans and worked about 30 hrs./week and summers. My son had a roommate, whose parents totally funded his education. You know what? That kid didn't go to class, except the one he had with my son..........who woke him up and made him come with him to a 2:00 p.m. class. This kid was up partying every night, in their room, and my son had 8:00 a.m. classes every morning! I don't think kids learn responsibility, when parents give them everything the want or need. Kids have to learn to earn the things they really want.
Maybe that's what you will have to do too? Figure out what you want and go get it!
I forgot to tell you about my mom..........she never told me she loved me, until about a month before she died of lung cancer, at the age of 62. By that time, she had disowned me, and told me she wished I'd never been born. So, slimwish, I do know a little of what you are going through. But, that didn't mean I had to repeat that pattern with my own children. They never, ever doubted my love . They may have complained that I loved one of the others more, but deep down they were assured of my love. God had a plan for me..........he used my husband and others to deepen my faith and trust in Him..........and carried out His plans for my life. When my mother disowned me.......I turned to my heavenly Father, and He carried me in His arms and got me through the incredible hurt and pain, one step at a time.
I wish I'd had a different childhood, but I didn't. I now see that as my parent's loss. When my mother finally said "I love you", I walked out of the hospital room. I couldn't say it back, because I didn't know if I meant it or not. I honored her, like the commandment tells us to do with our parents. I went to her house daily for weeks to change her dressings, and care for her. But to this day, I don't know if I loved her or not. But, I grew out of the whole experience. I didn't let it take me down. My mother's been dead for almost 11 years now, and I'm at peace with it. I've forgiven her, and have made sure that my husband and children know God's love and mine. I'm at peace. You can find it too, my dear. Just hang in there, and don't give up. Take baby steps to become a confident, kind, loving person to all you meet.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 30 April 2008 08:25 pm |
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Screw my last post,
MY TURBO JAM CAME!
I haven't even tried it yet, but I will very soon and I'll post again later today!
Thanks Hisgal, you're very inspiring. I could relate to that last paragraph with the "I love you" thing. I used to always tell my parents, "I love you". But now I can't, cause it could be a lie. I'm not sure. Now I'm always telling them I hate them... Sometimes it seems as if they hate me, but sometimes they do act like they care. But it doesn't feel like love...
sw
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 April 2008 09:43 pm |
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Just remember, my dear, once you say the words...........they are really hard to take back. Because even if you apologize or say you didn't mean it.........chances are they will always remember you said them. Especially if it hurt them when you said it!
My mom's words hurt me beyond belief..............no knife to my heart could have hurt more! But, I never said anything back to her.......I held my tongue, and acted the dutiful daughter.........honored my parents. I'm glad now that I did.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
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| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 1 May 2008 02:53 am |
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Hisgal wrote: Just remember, my dear, once you say the words...........they are really hard to take back. Because even if you apologize or say you didn't mean it.........chances are they will always remember you said them. Especially if it hurt them when you said it!
My mom's words hurt me beyond belief..............no knife to my heart could have hurt more! But, I never said anything back to her.......I held my tongue, and acted the dutiful daughter.........honored my parents. I'm glad now that I did.
Yea.. "My mom's words hurt me beyond belief..............no knife to my heart could have hurt more!"
I could relate to that.
I don't know if I could take back the words though.. I know at the time I say "I hate you" or something like that, it's all true. My feelings may change later, but all the feelings I had felt then were real. Sometimes I don't even know if I love my parents or not.... I don't know if it's love, or if it's need. Without my parents I'd be nothing, but I don't know if I truly love them. Maybe I'm confusing need with love. Or maybe I'm confusing anger with hate.
I don't know... But I do know that there's a lot of anger within me..
I don't know... Sometimes I just feel so helpless. Like I can't express any emotions or I'll get in trouble. Like I have to bottle everything up. I can't smash a vase or throw a chair against the wall as much as I want to. (Though I do imagine smashing things in my head, thinking of if I should actually carry out the actions or not).
It just feels like I can't do anything else but cry. I do that a lot. I can't imagine going through a whole week without crying. It's always been like this. Even when I was little, I remember crying a lot. I cried yesterday, I cried today, I'm always freaking crying!! I'm suprised the well hasn't dried up.
I wonder if I'm just made up of hate, hurt, and anger. 
Gah, I'm so weird.
~~~~~~~
My turbo jamming:
So far I did my measurements... They are on the Exercise- Turbo Jam forums.
I also did learn & burn x2, and cardio party.
I don't know if it's fun or not.
My mom ruined the mood.
She kept yelling at me about stupid things, so yeah.
But... It didn't feel that intense. 
I didn't feel any aching, soreness, or whatever.
I did get a bit sweaty.
And I made a lot of gross cracking noises!!!
Maybe I'm just not putting enough force into the moves?? Or maybe I'm not doing them right. I don't know.
SW
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 2 May 2008 06:07 am |
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I turbo jammed today!
FOR TWO HOURS!!
Ab Jam was a killer! In a good way. 
I did want a challenge.
Cardio Party was pretty fun too. I really especially liked the music sorta near the end.
So far my shoulders and butt are sore, but tomorrow I'll probably be sore all over. 
I did 20 minute workout, cardio party, ab jam, and a little bit of learn & burn.
~~
It was a bit awkward cause people was watching me... And making comments... GRR.
My mom was watching me for the whole cardio party and ab jam.. She kept making stupid comments about Chalene!! and the crew.  But she was quiet most of the time... She seemed interested in the workouts...
BUT OMG.
My DAD was SOOOOOOOOOO incredibley annoying, he totally ruined the fun.
He watched me when I was doing cardio party.
He kept making comments about turbo jam and the crew.
Every few seconds he'd say something stupidly obnoxious.
And my brother watched me for like 2 minutes. It was annoying.
WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME TO TURBO JAM ALONE?!??!?!
They all have to stare at me and make dumb comments. Grr.
~~~~
I haven't told my friends about it yet..
They're not very supportive of me trying to look better and stuff.
- Tempting me with junk food when I try to make healthy choices...
- Telling me I need to get out more & get off the computer
- Telling me I DON'T need to exercise when I tell them I'm starting a new exercise plan
- Not exercising with me and sticking to arranged plans..
...
BUT....
I WILL HAVE A SEXY NEW BODY!!!!!!!!!!
AND WHEN I GET IT, AND MY FRIENDS START TO WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, AND ASK ME TO TELL THEM MY SECRET....
I WON'T. MUHAHAHHAHA. 
That shall be my revenge to them..
For not being supportive..
Buhaha.
It'll be my own secret exercise slimming machine... Turbo Jam...
hahahah.
I just hope I don't become bulky.
SW
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 2 May 2008 02:19 pm |
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Hey there SW..
I'm sorry I forget to check your diary...for crying out loud, I forget to check MY diary!!
First, about being worried about the future...I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!! I have been in tears before because I am so worried about the future...what if I never find a husband? What if I can't find a good job? What if I fail at everythng? I can't imagine being out on my own and having to handle everything myself...
And about your friends not supporting you...friends are funny like that. All the time my friends are like, oh, you don't need to lose weight, you look great, blah blah blah." They think it's being supportive, but we know it's not. We know what we need to do for ourselves, right?
Hang in there sweetie. Life is definitley rough..
CG
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 3 May 2008 04:15 pm |
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OMG you did 2 hours? SW, don't overdo it!
And you just have to ignore the teasing at home. Is there any place in the house you could workout where you wouldn't be bothered if you had your own tv/dvd? Like in the basement or your bedroom?
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 4 May 2008 03:41 am |
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Gah!
The weird thing is I'm barely even sore!
Is 2 hours too much?
I did 1 & a half hours today...
With my annoying mom...
She joined in, and was SO annoying!
She kept moving the opposite way.
So I'd be punching to the right and she'd be punching to the left.
It was really annoying.
She thought she was so smart cause she thought you had to move all opposite from the people on the tv.. grr
So when the people on the tv moved left, or my right, I'd move to the right.
But my mom tried to do it in reverse so when they moved to the left, or our right, she'd move to the left instead. It just made it all confusing.
But when they moved to their left, they said to go RIGHT, so even if they're going to their left, it wouldn't confuse us. Ughhh. But my mom wouldn't listen to me even though I tried explaining a billion times.
She looked idiotic with her back to the tv trying to go the exact same way as them when didn't even have to.
Blah..
~~~
today......
breakfast: 150cal.
lunch: 150cal.
party stuff (cake, chicken wings, salads, chips, candy, pasta, etc.) : 1500cal (estimate.)
after party stuff: 300cal.
total: 2100cal. approx..
and..
WOW.
According to the activity calculator...
Sit-ups - vigorous
290 calories in 40 min
Tae Bo - moderate
544 calories in 50 min
...
I put in sit ups for the "ab jam" and tae bo for the other turbo jam stuff.
Surely I couldn't have burned more than 800 calories ..
No way! It doesn't feel like I burned that much. Nope.
Wait... Maybe I did burn a lot! But probably like 600 calories at the most..
I dunno.
It'd be awesome if I did burn 800 calories though!!!!
So lets say I burned like 500 calories...
That'd make my calories today to be 1600!!
What do you think?!
~~~
Oh, and I can't Turbo Jam anywhere else cause I only have 1 dvd player..
Well, I did have this really mini portable DVD thing, but the screen is REALLY small.
~~~
ALSO
Lately, I've been weighing in at about 120lbs!
Like before got Turbo Jam.
It's just been going up!
That's a 3 pound weight GAIN since I began this diary!
That's where I started...
120lbs.
I dropped to 117lbs, and now I've gained it back!!!
It took me months just to lose those 3 pounds!
Plus, I think I might be going up to 121lbs. But that other pound might be cause I started turbo jamming. But the other 3 pounds were probably fat.. Since I didn't exercise before turbo jam..
Do you think my weight will continue to go up with exercise cause of muscle????
Or will I get bulky with exercise and end up looking even fatter???
SW
Last edited on 4 May 2008 03:52 am by slimwish
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 5 May 2008 12:03 am |
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Since you are sooo close to goal, you might really benefit from some body fat calipers. They actually tell you what percentage of your weight is FAT...so then if you gain some weight, you can check your body fat percentage and then KNOW if it was muscle or if you are eating too many calories.
Not sure what your budget is like, or how much they are, but I know several ppl on here have them..
CG
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
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| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 6 May 2008 02:09 am |
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I think I've heard of those before... Don't they pinch your fat or something?
Turbo Jam is going pretty good for me. I did the 20min workout today, and part of Ab Jam.
...
And..
MY FAMILY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY DAD IS FREAKING ANNOYING AND TOO SWEET TO MY BROTHER.
MY MOM IS #%@&!ING SELF-ABSORBED.. "BOO HOO, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DOES WORK AROUND HERE. BOO HOO, EVERYONE IS STRONGER THAN ME BUT I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK. BOO HOO. BOO HOO."
AND MY BROTHER IS SO OBNOXIOUS, AND MY PARENTS ALWAYS LET HIM GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING.
ARG.
My
Family
Is
CRAZY.
CRAZY I TELL YOU. SERIOUSLY.
Ugh I hate it.
They're all imature #%@&! ups.
Yep.
I think I'm the only one in my family with my head screwed on right.
Yep.
They're all crazy and they're making me crazy too.
They're all phycologically idiotic.
I don't know if that's the right word for what I'm trying to say...
It's like they can't understand anybody other then themselves. They're just all so self-absorbed.
I'm too different from them... Unlike them, I'm excellent at understanding people. It's pretty weird.
I know I'm talking harsh about my family, and it seems like I'M the one who doesn't understand them, but I just have this... feeling.. That I do understand them, but not the other way around.
I know how my mom feels the most. I don't understand why she can't understand me. It seems as if we're both.. Depressed.. A$AGHaoiswgaslgfasdlkghaso.
Arg.
But she's always feeling so #%@&!ing sorry for herself, I hate it.
So what if she feels drained of energy? SO #%@&!ING WHAT? WHY SHOULD I GIVE A #%@&!? WHY? She always expects me to do all these chores that I hate. Yeah, me. Not anyone else. Not my brother, or my dad. Just #%@&!ing me.
Do you have any idea on how messy my house is?! OH MY GOD. IT'S LIKE A TRASH BIN. Someone could have it squeaky, sparkling clean, and the next day it'd be trash again. Once I've cleaned my house for 6 hours straight, and the next day it was half way to being totally trashed up again.
She never helped me through this, though she should've. I don't want to help her cause she's NEVER EVER greatful for my help and efforts. She's always yelling at me that I never do enough. Or that I'm lying about my efforts. Sometimes she accuses me of not doing chores and stuff and never ever cleaning, WHEN I CLEARLY DO. It makes me feel like my efforts are totally useless. So why should I help do chores if she's only going to yell at me and accusing me of never helping out? It's totally pointless! Ugh.
The only reason I feel I can actually get up without feelin like dying now is cause I started Turbo Jamming and getting some exercise. I KNOW what it feels like to feel like you're alive but dead. I KNOW what it feels like to feel drained of energy. BUT NO my mom thinks she's the only one in the world. She never helped me. She never let me see the doctor. I stood up by my #%@&!ing self, and if I can, she can too. But she is just being a whiny little bitch. I don't care if she has to get up and go to work. She thinks she has the most miserable life cause she has to work. Well you know what? I HAVE TO WORK TOO. It's called #%@&!ing HIGH SCHOOL. I get up at 7:30am and come back home at 4:10pm. Then I have like 2 or more hours of homework. And guess what? Sometimes I have to do ALL NIGHTERS just to finish everything. And guess what? I'm just a freaking kid! I feel old though.
Ugh, my life is totally out of control. It's a disaster.
My brother is an idiot.
I wish my family would just leave me alone.
I like being by myself.
I like quiet.
I sound like a freak.
What's wrong with me?
SW
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 May 2008 03:19 am |
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SW, I am sorry you are feeling all these stressful things in you life right now. I am glad that you are using your new turbo jam. Exercise gets your endorphines going. Try to stay focused on the positive things.
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 8 May 2008 12:40 am |
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Yea, if it wasn't for Turbo Jam, I'd be feeling A LOT more depressed right now. I think I actually haven't cried for a few days...
Gr... My mom's driving me nuts again...
She's doing her self pity thing again..
She keeps threatning me that she'll run away cause she always has to work so hard and no one ever helps her. She thinks she's the only one who has to work hard. THAT'S LIFE.
I bet this is to make me feel guilty, so if she does run away it'll seem like it's all my fault.
& I DO HELP her. This is what I mean by feeling unappreciated. I do help. Then she goes whining about how she has to do all the work when I DO #%@&!ING HELP. Then when I try to defend myself by saying that I do help out, she says I'm lying. GRRR!!
WHO IS THE ADULT HERE?
She should be more mature, her immaturity is really making me angry.
SHE SHOULD BE THE MATURE ONE.
Threatning me that she'll run away?! WHAT THE #%@&!?!
Next she'll be threatning me that she'll kill herself... Oh, I think she already did..
Now she's telling me how I always lie about having low energy, and she says I'm just making up excuses to not help her.
!!!
I DID have low energy. Honestly. Before Turbo Jam, I was constantly exhausted from nothing. Now that she see's me kicking & punching it up with Chalene, she keeps telling me I was lying.
I kinda feel stupid for writing all this cause it sounds like I never try to see things from my mom's point of view, but trust me.. I DO.
I've felt just like her before..
Total exhaustion, feeling like I'm the only one who does house work, feeling like running away... Feeling depressed..
BUT what makes us different is...
I don't constantly WHINE like she does. And I don't accuse people of doing things I know isn't true. And I actually try to understand people...
It makes me so mad, she is so self-absorbed.
And she always takes all her anger out at me! Yeah, everything's my fault.
The truth is... I'm actually kind of scared that she'll run away, but at the same time I'm like, SCREW THAT, GO RUN AWAY, SEE IF I CARE.
It's not like I really love her or anything, my future would just basically be over without her. And I'll be a hobo living on the streets cause I wouldn't be able to go to college/university without money...
So... I just need her for necessities... If you know what I mean.
......
I think she's suicidal... She's told me that...
You know what?... I went through a suicidal phase too... Which lasted a few months... Maybe even close to a year... I actually only stopped feeling suicidal kinda recently.. But no one cared. It's not like my parents ever took me to the doctors, they never let me get therapy. I even told them I was probably depressed... They didn't give a #%@&!.. This is one of the reasons I feel so much resentment towards them.
...
I did Cardio Party today..
& had too many chips.
...
Have I mentioned my mom constantly critisizes me?
..
SW
Last edited on 8 May 2008 12:43 am by slimwish
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 9 May 2008 09:18 pm |
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...
My mom's buying too much junk food.
She used to rarely buy chips and stuff, but now she's buying more! And it's not like she eats any of it...
It's like she's trying to get me fat...
So I told her to stop buying chips, and she said okay... She came home with chocolate bars!!
OH MY GOD.
Is she trying to tempt me into eating bad food or what?!
If I did all the grocery shopping, my house would be filled with healthy foods.
SW
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 10 May 2008 04:45 pm |
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Whoot!
Today I weighed in at.. 116lbs!!
I also lost 1.25 inches! (More detail on the Turbo Jam board)
That's a loss of 4lbs since like 8 days ago!
I started at 120lbs... But I had clothes on at the time, but I know that I weighed over 116lbs before, so I did have a deduction!
I feel more motivated now!
I think I might start keeping track of what I'm eating again...
Yay for Turbo Jam!!
Right now it's lunch time..
I haven't had breakfast yet, but that's only cause I woke up at 12pm!
I'll edit this later..
SW
Last edited on 10 May 2008 04:46 pm by slimwish
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mollymoo24
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 May 2008 12:30 am |
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| SW, I am glad Turbo Jam is working for you. Success feels good doesn't it?!! Keep it up!
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slimwish
New Member
| Joined: | 20 March 2008 |
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| Posts: | 163 |
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Posted: 12 May 2008 09:42 pm |
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I thought I lost pounds, but I actually didn't.
You know how I weighed in at 116lbs?
Well, later that day, I weighed in at 120lbs again!! That was in the afternoon with light clothing... And before I had weighed in in the afternoon with light clothing and I was 120lbs. So that means I might've been 116lbs all along and didn't achieve anything!
I got discouraged again and pigged out yesterday and today. Gahhh.
My forearms are sore.
What the heck?! Why not my abs? Shouldn't my abs be sore? My forearms are already slim.
I was so excited about the "loss" before.
My scale confuses me.
SW
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