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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 November 2007 07:10 am |
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ok here goes.
BlackDiamond.
Brittany. 16.
Way too fatt.
Was too emo.
Micah. He's pretty much my best friend. Like the older brother i never had. He makes me smile no matter what. Until he gets mad at me. Then i wanna cry and stuff. We hang out ALL the time! We beat each other up alot. And he makes fun of me all the time. He says i got a big butt. grr... lol. I dont think ill ever be able to watch a movie at home or in theaters without thinking about him. He's always there.
I used to go to a private Christian school. There werent very many people at all that went there. But things happened. Other things went bad and i left. Im switching to homeschool currently but its taking a lil longer then i thought it would. I had the coolest friends there and part of me doesnt ever wanna lose them. But once i left, and i knew it would happen, things havent been the same between us. It kinda breaks my heart a lil to know that they all cared but i let them down. I dont believe in myself and i never really have. Like i told them, im not even sure if i believe in God and stuff. Im not a Christian and i didnt have anything to do with religion until i started going to school out there in Jan of '06. That whole religion thing didnt really ever click with me and im not sure if it ever will.
Ive always told myself that im never gonna end up like my cousins or my dad or any of that stuff. They drink, do drugs, steal, who knows what else. Well, i havnt done drugs. I have drank recently though. Idk, i kinda think that my life might be falling apart a liittle bit but at the same time it's how i want it. I basically know what's gonna happen in my life. And im ok with it. Im not gonna try my hardest to change it. If i die in some random car accident, then fine. If i OD, fine. It's how i was supposed to go.
Truthfully, right now i feel like nothing. I dont wanna eat much of anything. I dont wanna smile. I dont really wanna go have a bunch of fun and stuff. I wanna sleep all day and stay up all night. I wanna play with fire until there's nothing left to burn. I wanna grab a pair of scissors or a knife and cut things up until i cant anymore. Im in pain, but i cant get rid of it. Ok i lied, the only thing that makes me smile anymore is my best friend.
Well thats all for now. Not sure what else to say. But if i need to blow off some steam or something. Ill prolly be here to add to this little thingy here.
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 18 November 2007 07:15 am |
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Thanks for sharing. It always helps.
Hey, it's just now my birthday! Your post was the first thing I read at age 61! 
Peter
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missfit
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 November 2007 12:57 pm |
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| Thank you Brittany for sharing your thoughts and quite refreshingly, your honesty. You sound exactly like me when I was a teen. I didn't have a good childhood. My life improved when I went to college and went on my own. I'm 36 now, married and have 3 kids. My life is not perfect, some days (or weeks) are still so hard, but you know, it does get better. I know! Have a peaceful day today.
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Ohm
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 November 2007 04:18 pm |
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Dear Brittany, thank you so much for opening your heart to us. I for one, am priveliged that you shared your thoughts with me.
Now, listen to this: you are not doomed to do drugs, nor to get fat, nor to do anything. We are all born and one day we are all doomed to die (OK, so things may happen after death - I don't know about that, but we all die first). Those are the only predestined things which we can 100% rely upon.
I can understand that you are probably frightened and appalled at the prospect of alcohol abuse and other dependencies - but you don't have to find yourself in that place! It is a choice which you can totally avoid. Just don't do it. DOn't take the first dose. If you never take a drink you will never be alcoholic. If you never take any drugs, you can never find yourself dependant upon them either. LIkewise, you can never become dependant upon cigarettes or tobacco in any form if you never use it. The dependancy is only able to deveop if you first develop a habit, and that starts with a single use of whatever - tobacco, alcohol, crack, cocaine, heroin................... Just don't do it. Make a choice. Make it now, and then stick with it.
Please don't start your life feeling condemned or as if you have no chance. We all have the power to make choices in our lives. It is true that there are many priveliged and gifted people who, whether they realise it or not, have it easier than the rest of the population, but no-one is doomed to a life of dependancy until they take the first dose. Just don't do that.
You sound intelligent. You are clearly sensitive. You were not born to have your life wasted for you, paying for drugs or alcohol and spending your life waiting for the next hit. You have a choice. Exercise your right. Choose life. Do whatever it takes.
I'm not condemning addicts, whatever their drug of choice. I have great sympathy for them. I am only glad that I am not one of them. Some of them have had such hard lives, but then so have lots of people (including me). I chose not to allow myself to depend upon substances - even when there was nothing else to depend upon. I looked ife in the eye and was sometimes so scared I could hardly breathe - but I got through it, and so can you.
We are all young once. It is something that time will heal. W eall grow out of the fear and depression which is foisted upon us as our brain literally disconnects itself and rewires itself in an adult format (yes, that is what happens in adolescence - thank goodness that is over for me, no wonder teenagers can be so darned difficult). But we all go through it, and it ist he support aroudn us which helps. Some of use don't get the support we need - but they can still be OK. You can be OK. Please don't despair.
Becci
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 19 November 2007 01:08 am |
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Hey blackdiamond--
Well, of course I can straight over here after reading the challenge thread and seeing that you had a diary.
I'm sorry that everything feels so messed up right now.
But listen, it sounds like things bmight be about to be good with your dad, right? And your stepsis? Things can always turn around.
And I like what Ohm said, that you make your own decisions. You aren't doomed to do anything you don't want to do. If your life is going a direction you don't want it o, turn it around! It might take time, but I think you can do it. I know you said you don't care, but I think you do just a little or you wouldn't have even said anything.
Well, maybe you didn't want a pep talk. If not, then I just posted a big load of nonsense  At any rate, I'm glad you have joined all us journal-ers, and I hope you keep posting (here and in the teen forum too) You can always come by diary too, anytime, if you wanna chat. Or pm.
CG
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 19 November 2007 06:52 am |
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Things were or are good with my dad and them. And ive only met them once but i miss them already. We were supposed to go see them again yesterday erm Sunday. But my sister hadta work so we couldnt go. I just kinda wanna go and hang out with my dad. Talk to him about everything we've missed. Bout why he wasnt there when i needed him. So many times ive cryed myself to sleep over that stuff. Basically everytime i went to a friends house or anything i would be scared to death of their dad. And i really have no idea why, maybe its because i didnt have one around so i dont know what thats like. I know expecially when i was in middle school and that i would hear how my friends went places with their dad or how they helped their dad out in the garage. Played football or catch in the backyard. And it all hurt me so badly. I hurt to see all them having so much fun with their dad and i had nothing. Nothing. I cant even begin to tell you how empty ive felt this whole time without him. Even if he has been to prison twice and used to be an achoholic(sp?). It doesnt really matter to me because he's my dad and i wanted him to at least show he cared. But instead i got nothing at all. he has never spent a dime on me. When we went to see him last Saturday at the end he gave me a hug. And he acted like he wants to stay in touch. I wanna go see him soo badly i wish i could drive on my own, by myself.
As much as it all hurt me to feel left out with the dad situation. Ive been mad at him for so long. Ever since i was a little girl all i know is that ive been so angry with him for not being there. I kept telling myself that i would never go see him. Ive been wanting togo see my stepsister but i wasnt ever sure if i wanted to see my dad too. Honestly ive had soo much hate built up inside me for him. But as i got older it started to hurtt more and more. I started realizing what was actually happening and what was realy going on. Ive listened to my mom and grandma talk about him so much. And part of the reason i think i had so much hate built up is because of all the bad stuff theyve said about him over the years. I never actually got the chance to see for myself what was realy happening. I just found stuff out second hand.
I think i really need to talk to him on my own and find out stuff for myself.
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abnormalapathy
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 19 November 2007 12:48 pm |
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Hi there,
Wow, you sound a lot like me at 16. So, whether you want it or not, here's my advice:
Ohm, is right. You're not "doomed" to anything. And if you don't WANT to be the things you mentioned, then don't even start them. Oh I was never going to be like my mother at all - with her alcohol and drug dependencies, abusive relationships and multiple jobs as a single mother - I hated her for it. And you know what? With the exception of becoming a single mother, I did them all.
It wasn't stupidity, either. It was ignorance. I view it like this: I knew what alcohol and drugs were going to do to me. I sat through the stupid health classes in high school. I saw what it did to my friends. But I did it anyway and I kept telling myself I could stop whenever I wanted to. EVERYBODY says that. Trust me. And you know what? Very few people ever do, and sometimes they have to lose everything and that's still not enough. So yeah, not everyone becomes an addict, but most people--especially those with depression and other issues they haven't really resolved, do. Why? Because drugs and alcohol are easier to deal with than the underlying issues.
My dad wasn't involved in my life either. When other girls had someone to bring to school on Father-Daughter day, I had no one. My dad lived 1,000+ miles away and though I was supposed to spend summers with him, he rarely came around even when I was flown here to be with him. There's hurt and there's anger, but you know what? It's possible to build a relationship...no matter how long it's been...and...when it comes to fighting between parents, you'll never ever get the whole story from either one of them. Take what you can from both and create your own version of the truth because that is all you will ever have.
It is never too late to change your life - no matter how young or how old. I was a 16-year old runaway and was emancipated from my parents when I was 17. No one ever thought I'd make anything of myself because those stupid Lifetime after-school specials always say that girls like me are supposed to become prostitutes and die some cold, miserable death. And you know what? That didn't happen. I have a great job working for a UN affiliate, I'm in college and doing extremely well, my marriage didn't work out (but I was with that man for 10 years) and now I'm in another wonderful relationship with someone for over 3 years. I've lost 40 pounds this year and am happier than I've been in my whole life. My parents and I still have 'issues' but we are learning to set boundaries and respect one another. So yeah, you can have whatever life you want to work hard enough to create for yourself. But no one, not a single soul, is ever going to give you a free ride.
Best of luck.
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DeterminedGal
Senior Member
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Posted: 19 November 2007 10:07 pm |
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Hi.
I pretty much agree with what the others have written....I will respond more in detail when I get a chance.
Hang in there.
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Theresa
Senior Member
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Posted: 20 November 2007 06:23 am |
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| Hi Black Diamond, just keep letting out your emotions in your diary and don't keep them bottled up. As many others have stated, it is never too late to develop a relationship with you dad. When you get a chance to speak to him, tell him how you feel and how you felt as a little girl. You had every right to be angry, because every little girl/boy should have a Daddy to look out for her while she is growing up. You are the one who can control your own destiny so it doesn't matter how the rest of your family turn out. I believe you will be a total success in life because you have opened yourself up to how you feel. You are the proverbial rubber ball, you will always bounce back up again no matter what life throws at you.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 November 2007 03:21 am |
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I know that if he lived a long ways away from me i might not be as mad. But he has only ever lived like 90 miles away. That's IT. My sister. She has 2 kids oldest is 4. My dad had never seen either of them until that day we went to see him, and they live in the same city. Part of me cant completely blame him for not coming around the past few years. If i had a wife like he does i would wanna shoot myself. He told me that his wife kicked him out of the house for like 2 weeks just because he went to his own sister's funeral.
That day when i went to see them. I was soo scared but i tried not to think about it at all. I knew if i did i would freak out and wanna go home. When we got in Brandy's(my sister) car i looked at her and wow is she beautiful. Her kids are the cutest things ever they look like twins. We picked up my grandma Jenny and cousin. Grandma Jenny looked like she was about to cry the instant she saw me. She did that the whole time, kept wiping her eyes. Part of me kinda recognized them even thought i dont remember them at all. We got to my dad's work, and my uncle John came out and talkd to grandma Jenny. Then he looked at them and then at me when we got outta the car. He hugged me and said i had gotten so big but that i prolly didnt remember him. My uncle John went to get my dad so he could come out and see us. We were just on our way to walk inside to sit down, when he came out the side. I was the only one that hadnt walked in when i looked over and i saw him walking towards me. I dont exactly know what was going through my head at the time but i know i just kinda stood there and watched him walk up. I knew it was him. But i was so scared. I couldnt talk or move. I really dont think i even blinked while he walked up. The part of me that has been wanting to see him took over. It kinda felt like all my troubles had disappeared. We only got to spend like maybe 2 hours talking to my dad not even that cause i hadta come back to go to work. But when it was time to leave i got sad. I didnt wanna leave. I wanna go back. I wanna go back really bad. But my Lil G(grandma that i live with) doesnt want me to go back too often. She really didnt want me to go back anymore. I cant wait to go back again. I really CANT wait!
I know i can control what i do with my life. I just really dont want to. Im done being the good girl that gets nothing out of anything. Im tired of being the one everybody takes advantage of. Im just tired of it all. It all just hurts so badly. I seriously think that my Lil G and the rest of my family are bringing me down. Once i leave, I really think ill be soo much happier.
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abnormalapathy
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 November 2007 09:41 am |
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| Being in control means that you choose what you do with your life, not that you let people walk all over you and always be "the good girl." It is possible to maintain your boundaries - and that is control. Don't fool yourself by thinking that things will be easier, better or that you'll be happier in the long run if you just give up and let go.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 November 2007 08:04 pm |
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I know what im thinking in my head. And it might not always come out the right way on paper. I try so hard to find the right words to explain myself, but it's not working that well on some subjects. Im not sayin that the whole world will be easier once i leave this place. But once i leave i wont have the burden of being yelled at all the time. I wont be yelled at for the friends i choose. I wont be yelled at for doing my homework instead of cleaning my room. I wont be yelled at for... for nothing. I'll be able to have a nice day and not have it ruined by my Lil G yelling at me. Or her telling me i cant do something. I know i do things wrong and for those things i should get yelled at. But if i get yelled at for everything that i do wrong. Does that mean that i do everything wrong?? That i can do very little right.?
I know what my limits are. I know what i shouldnt do and what wont hurt if i do. But right now i really dont care. Im so messed up inside right now i'd rather ignore that boundry and make myself happy. Let myself have a good time. My friends from my old school kept telling me "God has the plans for your life." Well maybe this is supposed to be happening to me. If God is real then maybe he's just teaching me a lesson. A really good lesson.
Come to think of it. I may not have a bunch of money. I may not have a big 2 story house with like five bathrooms. And i may not be a popular kid in school. In public school all i ever did was keep my head down and not talk to anyone. It got me by i guess. But i do live ina house. I do have a computer. I have a bed to sleep in at night even if i do freeze my butt off. I have clothes and shoes and a jacket. I have a job that if i save up, will eventually buy me what i need. I should be happy for there are people out there who have no home. No food. No nothing. I should be thankful for what i have. And i am. But some people just arent as strong as others are. Im not used to gettin anything i ever wanted, just like homeless people might not be used to sleeping ina warm bed inside a house they are paying for. But i dont know sometimes life is crazy and throws things at us out of the blue. People aren't always the nicest. They can be mean or nasty or irritating. I deal with a great number of them everyday, like most everybody else does i assume. But there are those select few that no matter how hard i try to ignore them or whatever it just doesnt work. So therefore i delete them completely from my life. And people always tell me you know, there are going to be people in life that you dont like and wanna beat the stuffing outta them but you just have to deal with them. Well its something else when they try and ruin everybody's life thats there.
Anyways, im not sure where my mind is at right now. I'm sitting here drinking coffee waiting to go to work in 2 hours. My hands might just freeze off if i dont go into a warm room. It's getting harder to type and my hands should start getting a blue tint to them. Well talk soon. Laterz.
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Theresa
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 November 2007 06:46 am |
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Hi Blackdiamond
I would suggest that you print what you have written in your diary and leave it lying around for you Lil G to find and read. She will then see what you are going through and be maybe more understanding and realise that you need her love and understanding. I think that she just wants what is best for you but is not able to express her love easily. She probably had the same problem being shown love from her own Mom and Gran. Just remember that you are not alone and that there are people out there who feel your pain with you. Just keep up your diary and we are all here to help and support you.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 November 2007 06:19 pm |
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I dont think i would wanna just leave it laying around. Its not my kinda thing to do that. I keep to myself too much. And she would more then likely just yell at me for it. But i can handle it. I can handle this. No worries. Right??
Ok maybe i need to find someone to go to the gym with me or something. I mean yesterday when i was hangin out with Micah like I ate 1 piece of pie in front of him. My only piece of pie that ive had. This year i ate like nothing compared to in the past years. One year i ate like almost a whole cherry pie by myself. Yeah, bad i know. He said i eat like a pig. I ate one piece of pie. The only other thing i ate last night when he was here was an orange while i made him 2 hotpockets and a chimichanga. I know when he says i have a big butt and stuff i just kinda laugh it off and act like it doesnt hurt. But it's getting harder to just shrug it off. I remember when we would be watching tv and those infomercials about workout videos came on, and he told me that if i bought that then i could use it and get skinnier. and maybe hot. i just didnt know what to say to it. I just told him that if i had the money i would buy it. I know one of my problems is i eat too much fast food for starters. Dont drink enough water. Me and him go out to eat alot. Its something that we can do. And everytime we go to the store or to rent movies we buy a Pepsi or something. I really need to just not buy any drinks for myself. Dont eat any of the little snacks that he always gets. Eat more fruits and veggies. And idk. Find some way to exercise.
I would hope that carrying out all week at work would've helped shed like a teeny bit. But nothin yet. Probably cause of that stuff i ate yesterday. I went from working just Saturday last weekend to working everyday except Thanksgiving this week. Which reminds me. Wednesday at work my arm went numb. I didnt do anything to it like i didnt hit it or anyting like that. I was standing there at my register and i dont know what happened but the next thing i knew it was going numb. It was all tingly and then went completely numb. I had a hard time lifting my arm to get the receipt from the machine. My boss told me that i should get it checked out. I mean i had an EKG last year and it came back negative that nothing was wrong with me. But a few of my friends tell me that alot can change over the course of a year. I dont really wanna go get another one done. Because more then likely it'll just be nothing and it'll have just been another waste of money. So i dont even wanna try. I mean as long as it doesnt go numb when im carrying out at work I should be fine right??
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 November 2007 05:39 am |
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| Miculah. Thats what Mr. Mitchell, my old teacher, used to call Micah. He still does when i see him, But sometimes i dont think about it and it just comes out. On the subject of Micah. I was at work today and talking to Andrea. I said something about Micah and me hangin out all the time, and she said "Why dont you two just date?!?!" Alot of people tell me that. That we should. Or that we are going to one of these days. But i really dont see it happening. We are friends. He kinda acts really protective and stuff you know. When i mention a guy he is right there like "who is he? wheres he live? how old is he?" All that kinda stuff. Sometimes he gets mad at me cause i talk to certain guys. Sometimes it makes me mad because i cant do stuff without him getting mad. And i dont like doing stuff behind his back but i mean it's kinda like all my attention MUST be on him otherwize he's not happy. And i dont wanna lose him because he's basicly all i have. I remember back when we first hung out ALL the time. Like nonstop. Then i ran outta money and he seemed to disappear. Then a little bit before i got a job he was back again. I really dont wanna say you know that he's using me for my money or anything. But i cant help but sorta think that way. I mean its not like he just comes over to hang out wihtout spending some kind of money. When he's hungry i always gotta buy him something or go make him something. I mean i know its my house but he knows my house like really good. If he really had to he could make stuff for himself. If i dont have movies to rent. Or someplace to go eat. Or something like that. Then he wont come over. I dont know. It gets kinda interesting sometimes. I feel like.. well im not sure what i exactly feel but i dont really like it.
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 26 November 2007 10:43 pm |
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Wow, it would be horrible to have to decide if your friend was kinda using you. That's kinda depressing. I don't know, maybe you could have some other friends too? Not instead of Micah, just in addition to. Are there any people in any of your classes that seem fun?
CG
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 November 2007 04:04 am |
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I'm officially Homeschooled. I got no one else in my class. I mean there is this one kid that i have kinda started to hang out with. His name is Angel. I really like hangin out with him. But i cant let Micah find out. Or else he'll get mad at me and not talk to me. So i kinda hang out with him behind Micah's back you could say i guess. I get so scared that Micah will find out and get PO'd at me and never talk to me again. Then i would be like completely lonely all the time. Yeah, and that would make me totally depressed. =(
So i really dont know what to say anymore about it. I dont wanna hurt him or be hurt because he finds out that im hanging out with Angel. But i mean i dont wanna pass off what could end up being a really good friendship just because Micah goes all psycho when i talk to some other guy. Yeah, He's NOT my boyfriend. I know what you guys are thinking.
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 27 November 2007 08:31 pm |
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Hmm...it doesn't very friendly not to let your friends have other friends.
Doesn't Micah have any other friends? Or is it just you two always?
CG
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 November 2007 04:47 am |
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| Oh yeah he has other friends. He's been threw more girlfriends since we meet i cant even begin to tell you. But there are some people that he doesnt want me to talk to because they dont like him or he doesnt liek them. So i really dont know.
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Theresa
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 November 2007 08:04 am |
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| Just keep writing in your diary about all your emotions that you go through and you will learn to understand yourself more. Remember you are never alone
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 November 2007 06:56 pm |
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Yesterday i was kinda mixed up. Angel was supposed to come over at like 4:30 but when i called him he had to go help his aunt move. Then he said he would come at 6. He called at 6 and said he was coming. 6 came and went. 6:30 came and went. 7:30 came and went. 8:30 came and went. By then i was positive that he wasnt going to come. Then at like 15 til 9 i heard a knock on the door. Angel was standing at my back door freezing his butt off. He had lost track of time and was supposed to be home by 8:30. He was kinda late. So he stayed like maybe like half an hour and we took him home. I was so happy that he actually showed up. I know some people that say they are going to come and never actually show up. I mean i didnt like it that he came like a billion hours late but at least he came right? I started smiling when i opened the door =P
After we dropped Angel off i texted Micah back and we picked him up. Then we went to rent movies. But after we got done renting movies, Micah said he hadta go home and babysit his little brother while his rents went outta town. He took one of the movies with him and i kept the other one. I basically got yelled at the whole way home from my Lil G because Micah took the other movie with him. She said i need to stand up for myself when im around him. And that i need to tell him that i hang out with Angel every once ina while. But i dont wanna tell him because i dont want him to be mad at me and stop talking to me. My Lil G said that its not fair that he gets mad at me for talking to certain people and guys when we arent boyfriend girlfriend. But that i never say anything to him when he hangs out with a buncha girls and stuff. A couple times Micah has told me that i need to get a boyfriend. But if i would ever try to he would get mad. Its not like i try anyways. I dont need one. But i dont know what else to say about it.
Its very interesting let me tell ya.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 November 2007 12:40 am |
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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*rips hair out*
RAAAAAAAAAAWWRRRWRWRWRRWWRWRwrRWGdfgJDFJFJFDKFBFFBfkBFFBfk!!!!
people anger me.
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Theresa
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 November 2007 05:09 am |
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Just tell Lil G that you don't think of Micah as your boyfriend and that he is a jealous friend so you don't want to upset him just yet. Keep seeing other people as well, it is good for you to mix with all different kinds of people at your age.(well good ones anyway) I think Lil G just loves you and gets mad when she thinks she sees other people using you. I think Micah does use you but then you also use him to a certain extent as well. As long as he doesn't control or abuse you it is ok.(and vice versa) Also if you don't want a boyfriend don't get one because others say you need one. When you want one you will find one. It's something that happens and you don't need to go searching.
People can make you angry,hurt and mad at times. Just keep writing about it and it will not fester inside.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 November 2007 05:42 am |
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My Lil G is not the type that just takes things lightly. The other night she yelled at me the WHOLE way home because i let him take that movie. She's not gonna just let her come over everytime he farts crosswise. And if she does accidentally let her come over too then that just means like at least a week of stupid yelling and lecturing.
Ok i wont let it fester up inside me.
Im REALLY angry right now. Ok it wasnt bad. Then i was talking to Maddie, my old best friend. She said something about how she heard i got drunk one night. I told her yeah that i did and she like flipped out on me. She was like we drinking is stupid and i thought you were different that you didnt do that kinda stuff. I had just got done tellin her that i had changed alot lately. Then she deleted me. Which lemme just say REALLY made me PO'd. I mean if she deletes me for something stupid like that then she should delete all the other friends on her profile that has drank at least one. I guarantee you that she would be deleting AT LEAST 90% of her friends if they were actually honest with her.
And another thing. Micah just deleted me from the same stupid thing. Myspace. I posted some bulletin about how i had a new profile song and new pics. And i just said i would comment you back on pics if you commented myne. NOt saying oh please come comment my pics cause im so desperate! No. I was just saying but i guess he took that the wrong way. He sent me a message that said that im effin stupid. Then he deleted me. Well whatever cause i dont even care anymore.
On the topic of Micah. Kimi. Everytime i turned around Micah was like can we invite Kimi too? He talked to her on the phone the other day and he invited her over without even asking me first! Luckily she couldnt come. My Lil G will seriously like cuss me out for weeks if i would invite her over when he's there. Because she would say "Micah's just using you again so that you can invite your friends over and he can date them" well no duh i know that. And i hate introducing him to my friends because he has like asked out or dated or wanted to date like every one of them. I can just see it coming too. This morning Micah texted me to say "Around 4 or something can you call Kimi start talking to her then ask who she is dateing but don't say i asked. i need to know" well i know that that basically means ask kimi if she's single cause i wanna ask her out. Then that means he will ask MORE if she can come over too. Well seriously he can just go hang out with her. I NEVER tell him anything about who he dates or whatever because i just want him to be happy! But what do i get?!? Nothing. Today i bought him food from 7/11. He didnt like his so he took half of myne. Then he was hitting me with the beefjerky that he didnt eat. Which hurt really bad but he just says 'your fat it shouldnt hurt' Well whatever. Im tired of all these stupid bruises that he gives me for no stupid reason at all. I bought a game today for MY PS2 which he borrowed and is at HIS house. Then he says well you dont play it anyways. DUH! because its at YOUR house!! Before he left he asked for $3 to buy a FullTrottle. I only had a $5 or 2 ones. so he was like just give me the 5 ill give you the change tomorrow. I bought the hairdye he used on his hair like yesterday. I buy him food whenever he wants it. I buy him a stupid drink and Cheez-its when he wants it even if it means that i dont get to eat at work the next day. But i really think this might be the end of it. As much as i care about him and want whats best for him. Im not sure how much more of this i can take. Im seriously like no kidding about ready to rip my stupid hair outta my head. GRRRRR!
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 30 November 2007 03:25 am |
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I.
Me.
BlackDiamond8.
Brittany.
Can officially predict the future.
Micah and Kimi are dating.
I more then likely have just lost my best friend.
Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to die.
I feel angry.
I feel depressed.
Life hurts.
It just stabs you in the back.
Friends.
They just stab you in the back the first chance they get.
I spoke with a friend last night.
I spilled my feelings out to him.
I realized how badly i get treated.
But how I never stop to take a look at what im doing.
I do everything and anything for him.
He hurts me.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Mentally.
And i dont know why.
Im too scared to find out.
Im too scared to fight back.
I just sit there and take it.
Its all ive ever done.
Whether it was him beatin on me.
Or someone else.
My friend called it an abusive relationship.
Its just a friendship nothing more.
My friend suggested maybe Micah's trying to make me perfect.
Ill never be perfect or skinny or pretty or beautiful or hot.
It's a waste of time.
I'm a waste of time.
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Theresa
Senior Member
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Posted: 30 November 2007 08:22 am |
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Just go out with your other friends more often and you will see that you will definately feel a bit better about yourself. Just because he's dating someone else doesn't mean you cannot be friends still. At least you won't see him so much and you will save some of your money!
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 30 November 2007 08:28 pm |
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| Some girlfriends he has he still hangs with me a lot. Others. Well some of them he doesnt hang out with me at all. Its like i dont exist. I have a feeling this is gonna be one of those times. But whatever i'm seriously starting not to care anymore. Micah did text me a little bit ago. He said "what are you do.ng" So i said "In brush we just got done eating." He didnt write back so i figure he wanted to go eat somewhere or something. But even if he wanted to i wouldnt be able to. I work 3-8 tonight. We wont be able to hang out til Monday whether he wants to or not. Unless he.... #%@&! he just came over on msn and said "want to hang?" crazy people. Im still not completely happy with him at the moment right now though.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 December 2007 05:53 am |
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I think most of the anger inside me is gone for now. I just dont like to think about it.
ugh. I gotta work 10-7 tomorrow. And i carry-out all day. I hope its not too cold. I better wear like 10 layers of clothes.
I am newly addicted to Arizona Green Tea. For a while i was addicted to V8 Fusion Pomegranite and Berry.
My hands are turning blue. Im freezing.
I love my hair. Did i tell you i dyed it black?? Yeah! And i got it trimmed!
Oh! And did i tell you that im painting my room grey!! I love it! =D
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 December 2007 02:28 am |
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Honestly?? I wanna cuss my heart out so badly!!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
*rips rest of hair out*
Calmness Brittany. Calm down. Talk slowly.
Ok. So as you know I think i told you that Micah and Kimi are dating. Well yeah Micah asked yesterday if i wanted to hang out but i couldnt because i hadta work. So today! Im at work carrying-out and wutnot. I get a text. Oh Micah wants to hang out after i get out of work. Maybe he wont completely ditch me afterall. So i write back and ask him if he'll have a ride home. He texts back and says "can kimi come" OMG I went balistic inside! It's the SAME thing!!! How could i be so stupid!!! So i just wrote back and told him that he could go hang out with kimi and i would just go home. he put "?" so i said it again that we could hang out monday if he wanted. He write back "what". So i told him that he could hang with her and i would just go home. He wrote back "you dont want to hang?". I told him nah that he was hanging with someone already i didnt need to bother them. He wrote back and said "Ugh what the **** is wrong with you. We were always asking to see if kimi could hang with us now you dont want to. Fine whatever then dont complain ab....(end of text)" SO! This is how its gonna be eh?? So i wrote back and put "I asked even when i knew my grandma wouldnt let her. I know if i would have even asked if she could come over i would have gotten my *** chewed for weeks." He never texted back. Seriously how could i be so stupid! I mean he does so much bad stuff to me. He takes control and gets mad when i do like any little thing wrong. Seriously Im not perfect and i wont ever be perfect. He doesnt even respect the rules i have for my room. He treats my brother and sister so much better then he'l ever treat me. He makes fun of my weight. The way i dress. The things i eat. When i eat. The shoes i wear. The movies i think about watching. The way i talk sometimes. The mistakes i might make typing on msn. and the list goes on and on. And on and on. And on and on. Need i say more? I just really wanna explode and be no more. I wanna disappear and not have to deal with all this stupid junk! My mind is racing. I need to make it feel better.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 December 2007 05:14 am |
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(Brittany): Does it help?
(Micah): Yeah, havn't you ever cut?
Couple months back:
(Brittany): *shrugs*
__________________________________________
Today:
(Brittany): Yeah.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 December 2007 05:20 am |
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| Me and Micah just had a text argument. I asked him why he hits me so much. He said because i dont stand up for myself. He said he tries to get me to fight back. It doesnt help me fight back. It brings me down more. It makes me scared of Micah as i was of Chad when he did it. Micah said he wasnt gonna be my friend at the end. He said goodbye. Im not sure if thats gonna be a good thing or a bad thing. But he has a gf, it shouldnt matter. He yelled at me and told me that he invited me because i always complain that nobody asks me to do stuff and things like that. Well i dont need pity. I told him that i dont wanna be a tag along for him and his girlfriend. He said why do you say that? What if she isnt my gf. I told him im not stupid. I do have myspace. I saw all this buncha bulletins Kimi posted bragging about dating him. Well if this is really the end then i guess ill be getting my PS2 back soon enough right?
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 2 December 2007 05:06 pm |
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Brittany---
Are you okay?
CG
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thinkskinny
New Member
| Joined: | 10 October 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 101 |
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Posted: 2 December 2007 06:12 pm |
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You really don't sound ok. I think you really should talk to somebody in person, or even print out this diary and leave it for someone to find, someone who would really care.
I know it seems that Micah is the main person in your life but it sounds like he is very destructive and unfair. I'm not saying stop talking to him but maybe use this as an opportunity to really try and get some new friends or hang out with some other friends more.
I know that is much easily said than done as making friends is really hard. But why don't you just hold your head high and try talking to someone in class who you don't normally or something like that. ou would be surprised at the number of people who are keen to make new friends, or better friends as well!
I do hope that you're ok and that you haven't hurt yourself. Please post that you're ok and maybe some of us on here can help you come up with some ideas to start branching out-and saving your money at the same time!
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 3 December 2007 05:11 am |
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No.
Im not ok.
I never will be.
I dont believe in happyness.
I do believe in pain and suffering.
Let me remind you or inform you if you have not read the whole thing. I do NOT attend public school. I AM homeschooled. I do not have classmates. I do not have friends. Maybe one or two but i dont expect them to come hang out with me. Angel is the only one that MIGHT. When he's not always in trouble that is. Micah is basically the only one there is. Now i do have a few friends from my old school but i left there. And i left all my friends there too. Oh, and Micah said he wasnt ever gonna be my friend again so yeah. I dont think he's gonna be talking to me anytime soon. I gotta tell ya tho, I kinda miss him already.
No i will not print this out and leave it laying around. I dont like letting people know how i feel. Your just lucky i got up the nerve to make one of these. Even luckier that i actually post to it. I bottle things up inside and just smile and try to act like im happy.
Anyways. Today i got a lecture from my bosses at work. Zach and Angie. They own the store. When i was counting my drawer we started talking. They found out about how im homeschooled and how i dont plan to graduate high school or go to college. I plan on getting my GED at 17 and working or whatever i wanna do after that. They started telling me a bunch of stuff and making it sound like if i didnt graduate high school and go to college that im basically throwing my whole life away and gonna be a hobo living on a street in Denver. No if i wanna go to college later on in life then i'll pay and take some online courses. Well towards the end i said that my Lil G said she doesnt care and i can do whatever i want. Zach looked at me and said "And if someone wanted you to jump off a bridge with them would you?" So i told him right back i said "Ummm... It depends if its fun on the way down and there is water at the bottom." So Zach said "Its all pointy rocks at the bottom." Smartmouth me said "Hmm...That would kinda hurt."  I dont think Zach and Angie appreciated that too much. Zach looked kinda angry at me. But thats ok. If i wanna "ruin" my life by making my own decisions then so be it. He dont gotta live it so what does he care anyways.
To tell you the truth I just hurt so badly and i dont know how to make it go away. When i cut it makes me feel better. When i got drunk that night, it made me feel better. I basically wanna do anything to make it stop hurting. I drew a beautiful picture in math at the beginning of my freshman year. I'll hafta show you guys sometime.
Speaking of being drunk my friend made me sooo mad a couple hours ago. He is so like always freaking out about stupid stuff. I was talking to him ONLY him. And he started freaking out saying that he should go because im talking to others. Well whatever he can think that just because he didnt wait long enough for me to read the stupid thing he wrote and write him back. I dont know people anger me.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 December 2007 06:07 am |
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Update on the Micah situation. He texted me and told me earlyer to take him name off all my myspace and junk. so i was like so this is really it? well bring me back my ps2 then. he said i hafta finish it first. then we started talking yadda yadda yadda. He is like supposed to come over tomorrow or something. Im not sure anymore. But at the very end i was like wigged out from all the paint fumes and i asked him if he wanted to get drunk. Being stupid ya know. Then he wrote back and was like "Your gonna get drunk?" I said no but that i kinda wanted to. He was like "your stupid then." I was like "is this Micah." He said "yeah." So then i told him i was like "The same person that basically is the reason i got drunk in the first place?" Then he wrote back and was like "that was once and i quit." Omg he is so retarded. And he says IM retarded. The only reason he is "quitting" is because oh precious little Kimi doesnt like drinking. Well does that mean he is going to stop smoking. And stop getting high too?? We'll see how long that lasts. But whatever it's not like all my other "best friends" didnt do stupid junk like that to me too. Now he's gonna try and be a goody goody mormon boy again. Well i was a goody goody nobody until he changed that. But whatever this is how i am now and if everybody ditches me because of it so be it.
Like i was telling my Lil G earlyer about Zach giving us a buncha junk last night at work. He likes us giving each other sarcastic junk to each other otherwise he wouldnt be there doing it to us. So he must like getting it back. And if i get fired for going too sarcastic then whatever i didnt need a job anyways. Haha im so nice aint i. I dont gotta be nice cause people arent nice to me. Talking about work Saturday after i get off work Andrea and i are suppose to like bake a cake or something. HOW FRUITY! OMG! Haha this is gonna be amazin! The only person ive like ever baked a cake with was when Brandon and Zack from school came over. We made a strawberry cake and boii! Was it good.! That was a fun day for real. Except for the part where Micah got PO'd at me and left when me him and Brandon went to Sonic. But meh. He still came later on after he got bored and i talked im into coming back. Cause he just loves me like that. HAH! yeah right! Wow i make myself laugh sometimes.
I have paint all over my hands. I started getting my room ready to paint it at like 5 this evening then i started and got like 1/5 of it done. Then we went to Walmart and Edwards. Then we came home and i started painting again. It was like 7 or so by then. I messed around and moved my bed and stuff and by then time i moved it all back and put my computer back it was like almost midnight prolly. But i still got like 1/5 of my room left to do but those have big stuff infront of it so ima do that tomorrow.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:19 am |
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| Well well well. Micah came over today. It was very interesting. I didnt get hit. We did throw french fries at each other tho. We went to eat at Burger King. We went a couple places. I had a lotta fun after the awkward moments at first got overwith. I think im pretty happy right now. He didnt hit me at all today. =) He was like trying to put eyeliner on today that he got. It didnt work out so well. lol
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:25 am |
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| so, blackdiamond, can i ask you a question?
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:28 am |
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| Yeah go right ahead.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:32 am |
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| ok, can i throw some explination out there first?
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:34 am |
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| you know, i hesitate to write this, because is is in a very public place. though i love many of the people here, it's still terribly difficult for me to write about these things in a public forum....
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:37 am |
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| Its fine. you can explain and whatever you need to do. Or we can discuss this in a private message. Either way is fine. Up to you.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:41 am |
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perhapse both... but, i starte typing something, so i suppose i can post it here. might be edite tomorrow, but here. carpe diem, eh?
there are a numebr of things i wish i could share with you, but number one, i am tired. number two, there is the aspect of things being personal. number three, well, i don't know you, you don't know me and i have trust issues.
but, what i can tell you... well, to start, i am 25. but honestly, i never fit into my era. i was always THAT girl.. "oh, you are a 40 year old trapped into a 17 year olds body"... or "oh arn't you like 12"? no, i'm 17... (and i still get that today.... at 25, i am either 21 (becuase i frequent the bar) or 32 (interseting... to me anyway.). so yeah,k i am a "you belong with no one or everyone sort of person" i havn't decided where i am. personally, i prefer books, but that's a different story.
and it continues.... so don't leave yet.
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blackdiamond8
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 December 2007 04:44 am |
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| I wont leave. Im gonna be here now and prolly like 4 hours from now. continue please.
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zenobia
Moderator
| Joined: | 19 April 2006 |
| Location: | | |
