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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 March 2009 08:48 pm |
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dmg and mj thanks for stopping by, I so need the support. And I love that quote about faking dmg! It's so true!
days without incident ( 65 ) and counting
Weight today 174 which is such a great number!!!
So we all know that I love to cause myself pain. The girls talked me into going for midnight drinks last night (fyi I looked absolutly gorgeous). I had a lot of fun, I dominated at poker, I played some pool and my game is really improving. I listened to some music and hung out with some really great chicks. But of course he was there. And at the end of the night I thought it was better to confront him now and instead of later. Long story short I gave him a piece of my mind. I honestly think underneath it all he is a nice guy (or I would really like to believe so) and that he's just young and sloppy. I don't know if I did the right thing, and I really don't care, I don't want to be with somebody who isn't head over heels for me, because I'm awesome, but it was good to get off my chest and now I'm ready to move on. Before I spoke to him I wasn't ready so this was a really important transition. I just really hope that there is some hurt involved for him (that sounds bad, but it's meant in the best sense), I know there probably isn't, but it would sure make it easier for me.
So back to being the best I can be! I need to get a hair cut, my ends are starting to fray a little, and while I'm there I think I'll get some more red put in. Despite the losses I haven't been putting adequate time into my walks and toning. I was doing three 1/2 hour walks and three 15 minute walks a week and toning daily. Maybe I should do a goals list, yes I think I will...
1. More water (this always seems to be an issue, in fact I'm getting a cup right now.)
2. Re-dedicate to my walks
3. Make hair appointment (although my hair dresser is very expensive and that's one of the reasons I wait so long to go)
4. Don't blow off dentist appointments (I'm seriously terrible about coming up with excuses not to go when I know I really should)
5. Meet really adorable men, flirt, enjoy, date, don't get emotionally involved.
6. Learn to forgive others and myself for what happened, because harboring hard feelings leads to bitterness. And I need to realize that harboring hurt is unavoidable, human and maybe even a little healthy.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 March 2009 09:41 pm |
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days without incident ( 66 ) and counting
So I'm pretty much feeling better. I seem my old self today. There are some hurt pride issues.
Last night I bought the most amazing things ever, diet ice cream bars, chocolate and peanut butter! 150 calories of heaven!!!
Someone brought a bunch of Godiva chocolate to work and it's killing me not to have some. But I had the taco salad for lunch today and that was enough calories for dinner as well. I'm estimating 800 but it was seriously probably even higher than that. So I'm at least up to 1200 calories today.
All I want to do is go shopping and buy clothes. Losing weight is not good for the budget!
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 March 2009 10:10 pm |
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Girl you need to let someone else's trash become your treasure!!! When I was going down in pant sizes I was not too proud to go right into a consignment shoppe like Goodwill to get my "twice loved treasures"!! LOL. $7 for Calvin Klein jeans??? That's what's up!! I got to get new clothes and get a bargain at the same time. Then to make the trip even more beneficial I would bag up my clothes that were too big and drop them off for someone else to get use out of!
As for your calorie estimations....have you gone on fitday.com, http://www.sparkpeople.com, or http://www.calorieking.com? I use them to get the most accurate numbers for my grub! 
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 March 2009 03:22 am |
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That's a really good idea dmg, I'm only in a size for a little while so why pay a bunch of money for clothes that won't fit in a month right? But I have to wear something, I'm sure we have a thrift store around here somewhere!
Today was a good day, eating and otherwise. And I'm feeling very optomistic right now. What have I learned from this whole thing. I've learned to be a little bit smarter, to trust my feelings a little less, to protect myself a little more.
One of my friends burned a cd for me, another gave me a back rub today, still another texted me just to ask how my day was. I have great friends  and they make me feel special and wonderful. I owe them so much and the support they give me is beyond awesome. I should do something nice for them. What could I do?
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CrimsonAnimus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 March 2009 03:30 am |
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Oh, wow! You've made such awesome progress, girl! WAY TO GO! 
It's great you have such supportive friends. It's great, too, that you're learning from this experience. It's a very tough road, and weight is only one of the obstacles we face. Stay strong! 
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Bluebuggy
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 March 2009 05:23 pm |
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Thanks for poppin in to my diary. Any support is well appreciated, now if I could only find the time to reply to all.
As for 2nd hand clothing. They are my godsend. I feel absolutely horrible spending money on a whole new wardrobe, so I buy from both ( a little more of the second hand). My problem is finding clothes that fit me correctly that I feel comfortable in. But it is time to throw away the plus sizes.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 March 2009 10:42 pm |
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days without incident ( 67 ) and counting
Thank you Nick, I'm glad someone can look at my diary and realize that it really is worth the fight to stop the binge!
blue- I have the same problem, I'm just not built right!
Everyone is so tired of hearing my guy problems, but I'm upset and (as bad as this sounds) I don't like not getting my way. So I'm going to salve my pride by going shopping! I'm hitting the thrift store first, but then I really need a bra so I will have to go to a department store.
But my friends are right, I need to concentrate less on guys and more on me. To that end I'm going to call and make my hair appointment right now!
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 25 March 2009 05:10 pm |
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| Haircut, new bra, some pretty clothes... you go girl! it is nice to see you developing confidence. I cheered when I read your statement about looking absolutely gorgeous. Believe in your beauty, no matter the number on that scale!!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 March 2009 02:32 am |
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days without incident ( 68 ) and counting
weight is the same
Tomorrow I get my hair cut!!! Yay! Then I may go shopping, I haven't decided totally yet. It's my Friday and maybe the girls will want to go out for a little while, I'm not sure. I need to get out and have fun, feel young and beautiful again.
I keep wanting to go really low on my calories, if I eat more than 1400 calories a day I think I'm going to get fat, and I don't see a loss until I do a low day. This is working, but it gets old too!!! I want to eat a real meal! I want to eat a little food and actually feel full!
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 26 March 2009 03:01 am |
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Become a master at picking the best low cal stuff! I learned how to use turkey and chicken to make fab things. I spent hours finding the best sauces that were lo cal, learned to make veggies a pleasure, etc. I am a volume eater, cannot pick at a salad and call it a meal!!
Hope your haircut comes out fabulous!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 March 2009 06:56 pm |
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days without incident ( 70 ) and counting
Shopping was fun! I bought new perfume and it smells super yummy! I bought clothes too, but the perfume makes me very very happy. I've never really taken myself to the mall shopping before and the thing is, I didn't mind being alone. I thought I would, but I didn't, I had a fabulous time! I'm great company. And now that I'm not huge people want to help me in stores! And some medium shirts even fit me! I still carry more weight around the hips and I don't know what to do about that, it doesn't look too bad but I would like to work on it, how do I fix that? I'm a comfortable size 14, and I'm really chest heavy but the rest of me is actually pretty little. That's suprising! Me little! I would also like to work on stomach firmness! I don't dig the goo.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 27 March 2009 11:47 pm |
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Hi Once! I am glad that you had so much fun shopping. Isn't it great being able to fit into 'normal' sized clothes?
You remind me that I meant to shop for perfume. I quit wearing it many moons ago because I was having bad headaches and sensitivity to a lot of stuff. But I am healthy again and would like something subtle, just a little touch of something. It's going to be a challenge finding something that's just right. What did you buy?
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 March 2009 01:42 am |
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| I bought one called Magical from Anchor Blue, it's a pretty light, sweet kind of smell. The other I bought is a raspberry vanilla from bath and body works. I tend toward more musky sweet smells. I was having trouble wearing perfumes for awhile too, they would actually make me break out in a rash! But neither of these have seemed to have that effect.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 March 2009 04:12 pm |
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days without incident ( 71 ) and counting
boys, boys, boys!
My goodness, now I have a surplus! How do you nicely tell someone that you don't want to give them your number? I dont know either! If you find someone who does let me know! I had a good night, hung out with some cool people, got a little male attention, made someone else a little jealous. Although he did a pretty good job of making me jealous too. At the end of the night we hugged though and we're still friends. It still hurts, I realize now he's the guy I want and it just sucks. There's men out there to replace him with, but I'm not ready for another guy in my life. And how come I keep getting mixed signals from him?
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 March 2009 04:22 pm |
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days without incident ( 72 ) and counting
little pieces of me...
I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm losing me and I don't know how to make it stop. Being single again has really opened my eyes to how much I've been hiding from myself for the last few years. I don't know who I am anymore, or how I might react in a situation. And I'm so good at lying to myself that I dont even realize I'm doing it.
Hanging out with other guys is just making me worse! I think I'm just going to quit the scene for awhile. I thought getting male attention elsewhere would help get my mind off things, and by that I mean him, but instead all I'm realizing is how close we really were, how easy it was to get attached to eachother. I know that if he really wanted to be with me, he simply would be and that I can't do anything about that, but at the same time I know this did affect him, much more than he cares to admit. Onward with life, less partying, less men, more me time.
My walks are still not getting the attention they deserve, partially because I've been making going out a priority instead of exercise. My fruit intake has been low too. I'm still losing and I'm eating the right amount of calories, but maybe not the best foods. I need to concentrate on doing what's best for my body.
weight today 173
Last edited on 29 March 2009 07:11 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 29 March 2009 08:42 pm |
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Thin, I think shedding the weight leaves us all with a lot of inner issues to deal with. Once the weight is off, we are left to focus on the other things that we might hate about ourselves... and the weight part is much easier! Attack your personal development the same way you did the weight loss- figure out what you do and don't like about yourself and make a plan to deal with things.
I'm so glad you had a good time shopping! I do love a pretty perfume, it always makes me feel much prettier and girly! And BTW, nothing wrong w/ being hippy... those of us built like a boy (yeah, me) would like a little of the hippy thing! It's a very feminine shape to have. Just figure out what pants and jeans fit you best and play it up!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 March 2009 11:11 pm |
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I'm finding some direction...
I was thinking about my mall trip and how much fun I had, even though I was alone. I realized this is where I need to start; to like myself and my own company. I'm looking for self gratification from men and it's not getting me anywhere (surprise surprise). But where do I start? I have a Plan, it's called... have fun where there isn't single men (or at least not a surplus of them) and where there isn't alcohol (or at least where the intention isn't to drink). So clubs and bars are 86'd from my life until further notice. And I think I'll take some advice from MollyMoo's diary no more calling, texting or emailing men period!
To kick-start my Plan I'm taking my little guy to the movies Thursday, we're going to see Monster's vs Alien's (no worries, it's a cartoon.) On Saturday I'm taking my sister to get Hawaiian pedicures, and later that night I'm going to have dinner on the coast and listen to some live music (maybe one of my girlfriends will be down to go.) The point of all this is to have fun, but to do it in a safe enviroment away from toxins (such as drinks and guys!)
I'm getting a divorce. It's very stressful and un-fun. To counter balance that I've been going out with the intention to have fun, but guess what? I'm not having fun and that's what I need to change. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 01:02 am |
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days without incident ( 73 ) and counting
Last night I had a full dinner and my calories did come in higher than usual, about 2300. I had ribs and they really hurt my stomach. My system is really sensitive, and those ribs were just not that lean! Today is a light day, and I'm not touching the scale because I know there will be some water weight hanging out.
I would just like to say, what is wrong with me? I can't snap out of it! Apparently I didn't realize how vulnerable I was.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 31 March 2009 01:20 am |
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Hi, I admire you for working to get refocused on you. When you said the 'toxins' are 'drinks and guys', I said 'wow', there's someone else having the same ephiphany at the same time.
I really like you, Once. Keep on doing the things that make you feel good about yourself. 
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 31 March 2009 03:08 am |
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| Thin, what the heck is a Hawaiian pedi? Your plans for the week sound fun! I actually want to see that movie, but my "little guy" is 15 and won't go, and I have no other little kids to join me... guess I'll wait til it comes out on video~
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 03:15 am |
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Mol- the problem is of course that I love those toxins!
I need to break down and cry so badly right now. While at daycare my little guy told someone that he was sad and cried. He isn't immune to this divorce, and I don't know how to protect him from it. My ex and I are so civil, and we really are friends. We even love eachother (although we both realize that love has been just friendship for a very long time) but that doesn't stop Michael from seeing the changes, he knows things aren't the same. On top of all of this is a pain, the pain that I've created for myself, I made myself vulnerable to someone, and I won't be making that mistake again soon.
Thank you to everyone here for the support, this outlet has really helped me get through this.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 09:09 pm |
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days without incident ( 74 ) and counting
MJ- sorry you're "little man" won't go to the movies with you, I dread that day. Hawaiian pedicures are a paraffin foot mask, and hopefully it'll be worth the money!
I made cupcakes for work last night and I didn't eat a single one!
Weight today still 173 even after ribs 
I'm still trying to keep busy and take things off my mind, hence the cupcakes and the obsessive house cleaning I've been doing lately. I'm feeling so guilty (for the jealousy thing) and un-special (because of the break-up) right now.... So Thursday movies and Saturday pedicures will hopefully help, after that we're going bowling! I need to plan more events coming up though, because the temptation is still there to go out and I keep thinking of reasons to go! There's this ridiculous hope that if I'm out and seen things will change but I know that is unrealistic and I need to just stop thinking about it! Why can't I? It's so silly and immature feeling.
Last edited on 31 March 2009 09:20 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 1 April 2009 01:49 am |
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| The pedi sounds awesome! I work in a vocational school and the cosmetology students do paraffin hand dips that leave your hands so soft and smooth! Nice work avoiding the cupcakes! Good luck staying busy. Your house is going to shine!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 03:22 am |
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Warning: the following is ridiculous...
My ex says to me "A guy broke up with you, don't have a mid-life crisis over it!" He says this because I've decided to trade in my car (see below) and get a tattoo. He may be just a little right, but I'm also making up for the things I never did as a "married women" and guess what?! It's fun!
Everyone at work loved my cupcakes and I was so happy I brought them. It was just a little way to say thank you to all of my co-workers who are so much more, they're awesome friends!
For lunch I had a safeway sandwich and I'm pretty sure it was at least 1000 calories. I skipped dinner because I had the second half at four and I figure that's way too many calories! I did have a skinny cow icecream and that brings my total calories for the day to an estimated (because I can't find calories for the sandwich anywhere) 1500. A little on the high side but hopefully I'll get some more decent walks in! And now...to finding things to distract myself with next week. If I fake having fun and not being hurt long enough I actually will be right?
Attached Image (viewed 250 times):
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 1 April 2009 08:20 am |
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Things will get easier. I am thrilled you are doing things you've always wanted and also spending time with your girlfriends. Keeping busy and having fun is great medicine!
And hey - I am planning on getting a new tattoo also, just figuring out what I want. Can't wait to hear what you are thinking about.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 08:37 pm |
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Mol- I hope they start getting easier real quick, this is getting old!
days without incident ( 75 ) and counting
Weight today 172
My house is getting super sparkly clean just how I like it!  But at what price? I can't sleep, I'm always distracted, my whole vibe is out of wack! I'm putting on a good show, but I'm so off balance! More distractions!
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 10:56 pm |
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Oh, oh, oh!!!! Can I hijack in your convo for a second??? lol I noticed your were going to get a tat and I thought it would be cool to show you mine; because it is related to my weight loss.
To the average person it is nothing more than a tribal butterfly....but let me explain the meanings behind it...
1. It is a butterfly: it represents going from something ugly to something beautiful (162 pound weight loss)
2. It's wings are closed: it doesn't recognize it's own beauty (my image dysmorphia)
3. It's looking down: depression
4. It's purple on the inside: the universal color for bulimia
5. It's outline is black: Black represents death...the anticipated death of my eating disorder
6. It's on my inner forearm: Every time I go to eat I can look down at it and remember where I came from, what I've been through, and where I am today.
For me, tattoos are more than pretty works of art on your body...they should have a meaning so personal that when you are 80 years old you can still love it instead of regretting it. Hope you find the perfect one for you...can't wait to hear about it and see it!!
DMG
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 11:42 pm |
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dmg- please stop by and hijack my diary anytime, that's why it's here! I love your tattoo it's beautiful and I love the meaning behind it.
I would love to get some angel wings on the back of my neck. They kind of represent a little of who I am. I have a birthmark on the back of my thigh commonly referred to as "angel kisses". I want it as a reminder that I've seen really bad things in my life, but that I'm still a good person and I always NEED to be a good person because that is an integral part of who I am.
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 12:06 am |
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I like the angel wings idea!! I want to get one more on my inner ankle, maybe that will be my b-day present to myself in June. lol.
BTW: congrats on the consistant weight loss...you're doing great!!!
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 2 April 2009 01:12 am |
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| Thin, the new car is totally hot! I love the idea of a tat with meaning. And your ex is just jealous that you are blossoming and moving on without him. Let him criticize, it will only make HIM miserable and you can continue on with making your life happy!
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CrimsonAnimus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 12:50 pm |
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Awesome car, ThinGirl!
Congrats on your weight loss, too. Wow...over 75 days without incident - that is quite an achievement! You're doing good enough to make up for all of us that relapsed the last couple of months.
Keep it up!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 04:37 pm |
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days without incident ( 76 ) and counting
Last night was almost a binge, and if it had been, I would have forgiven myself because boy did I have a good cry! I saw him last night. I stopped by to pick something up and there he was, hanging out, seemingly having a good time. He said hey to me and I acted like I didn't hear him, so on my way out he said hey again. Man do I love hearing my name on his lips.  I was upset because he wasn't mad I was trying to make him jealous and he never called me, but he tries to talk to me?!? What am I missing here! I hate small towns, I hate it that I have to see him. I hate it that I'm not good enough to be with him.
Today is movie day! My sister hasn't seen my new hair cut so I've promised to style it down and wear some of the new clothes I bought on my shopping trip. I tried on the ones I'm going to wear last night and I just felt fat and worthless. I know that has to do with certain male parties and hurt feelings, but still, I feel huge, I"m not where I want to be. Twenty pounds from now I might feel okay, but I realized that I'm still too big! My friend asked me if I was anorexic the other day. That scared me, given my past I need to stay away from those tendencies and mind sets. I know I sound ridiculous, obsessing about my weight, but it's the one thing that I feel like is my down-fall. That's why I can't be happy. Deep down I know that's not true, but it's easy to feel that way!
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 07:56 pm |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl wrote: boy did I have a good cry! I hate it that I'm not good enough to be with him.
Two things hun.....
First; There is only one who is worth your tears and that is the one that would never make you cry.
Second; It's not you that is not good enough to be with him; it's HIM that is too d**m stupid to be with you!!! Don't beat yourself up over this guy...it's not worth it. If you allow him to continue to have a stronghold on your heart; it won't be available when the right guy comes along and trys to find a place within it.
Let your hopes, not your hurts, pave the path of your future!!
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 2 April 2009 10:26 pm |
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| Thin, listen to what dmg had to say. You are approaching the situation with your heart still, but that will get better and you will switch over to your head and consider it from a logical standpoint. In the meantime, it is normal to feel disappointed and angry and even to have some questions about yourself, but remember the positive feelings you have been having, like when you got the new haircut, and how good you felt coming back from the mall. Don't forget to wear the new perfume! I hope your sis is one of those gals who can really help you put things in perspective!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 3 April 2009 03:19 am |
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Hey Thin, good cries are part of the healing process hun. Here's a virtual biiiig hug. I just have to say though, I can't wait until you meet the guy who lives eats and breathes just to see you smile. You deserve nothing less.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 April 2009 07:00 pm |
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dmg, mj and molly- thank you so much for the support, you're all right, I deserve better. It's hard to feel that way though! When you really like someone you just can't help it. But I'm getting better everyday, it would so help if I didn't live in such a small town and saw him all the time
days without incident ( 77 ) and counting
Yesterday was a high day, at least 2500, but not in a binge way, last night I wanted to, but the majority of my calories were spread through-out the day. It was fun taking my son to the movies, it was a really cute movie and he thought it was so funny. My sister went with me and afterward we went to the store and bought Twilight the movie which I stayed up all night watching, it was kind of cute (not quite as good as everyone at work says .) I bought a few more books and some cd's to burn on (more distractions) and some face cream (more self improvement). That's my new focus, distraction and self improving. And like I say the more I fake I'm alright the more I will be.
My goals for April-
*Reach 167 in weight
*Eat more fruit and veggies, drink more water
*More walking and toning
*Get hair colored and more face layers
*Find more fun distractions to do with my son
*Test drive Mazda 3
* Whiten Teeth
*Find reliable tattoo artist and have initial consultation
*Cut down cigarrettes to 1 a day (yes I started again and it's out of control!)
*Do nice things for my friends
Last edited on 4 April 2009 02:57 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 3 April 2009 10:13 pm |
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I think you will be able to move on from the pain he inflicts when you find someone new. In the mean time; let your revenge be a smile. Nothing cuts someone deeper than for them to see you smile and know it's not because of them. Yeah...I have a little bit of a vindictive streak in me. Divorce will do that to you. So practice the facade and wear that mask like a champion...no one needs to know the truth.
I love your goal list. :) Make sure you check them off one by one as you accomplish them.
May I ask how tall you are? I was just curious...I've kept my eye on your weight cause we aren't all too far apart...I'm 5'11" and wasn't sure if we were close in that respect too.
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 3 April 2009 11:42 pm |
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| Great list of goals for both you and your friendships and relationship with your son. The cut and color sounds very summer-y! Need to add that to my own list. I don't mind my hair getting darker in the winter but like to go lighter when the sun is shining!!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 April 2009 11:45 pm |
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dmg I'm 5'6" so I'm still comfortably in the over-weight category. But I'm starting to get close, I hope it's enough, I have this ridiculous urge to be just tiny, and I know it's wrong, it's an anorexic feeling and not good at all.
My problem with men always seems the same, the men who want me for good I don't want, and the fun party guys just want to party and not be boyfriends. But I still want them. Also men my age aren't looking to settle down and when they learn I have a kid all they see is MOM written on my forehead. I settled down with the wrong guy and had a kid because it was comfortable, I wasn't really in love with him, and I almost feel like I'm being punished now for that, because I've really hurt him and I havent' been entirely fair.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 April 2009 02:55 pm |
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Nobody Panic!
This may come as a shock to some of you, but no worries, I'm looking at this like a cycle, one round is ending, but another is begining, lets see what I can get that number up to now.
days without incident ( 0 ) and counting
Sorry guys! We all have our breaking points, mine was actually a few nights ago, but the binge waited till last night to rear it's hideous head. It wasn't a horrible binge, I've had much worse but I'm not looking forward to the damage control. Once the binge is started it sure is hard to stop the repeat. Hold solid without a binge for three days and it eases up right? It worked last time, let's hope it holds true for this time!
Plans for the day include some more layering in my hair, some great summer highlights (I'll post a pic later) and an awesome Hawaiian pedicure with my sister! Possibly bowling afterward, or I might take her to test drive that Mazda! It should be an awesome day. My little guy is going to spend the weekend with his grandparents, so I'll miss him, but it will be nice to do this without worrying he's bored the whole time.
Onward and upward to being the best and happiest me I can be! Self improvement and distraction! I actually made some more goals last night for myself, they're all just for the purpose of making me happy and feel good about myself. I like that idea.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 April 2009 05:13 pm |
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days without incident ( 1 ) and counting
I thought that would bother me ^ but it doesn't. I'm ready for cycle two! I'm pumped.
Living in a small town is hard, I just want to say that, I know everyone is tired of me being distressed over this, but it is hard, even if I don't see him I know where he is and driving by where he works brings up all these hard feelings. See no evil, feel no pain, it's the reminders that hurt the most. And no, there is no detour, I have to drive by there daily.
I'm a red head! My hairdresser lightened it and turned it red. It's very flattering! I had her do more layers and cut in too. I spent six hours in the salon yesterday ( I can't really afford it, this is going to hurt later  ) getting pedicures and my hair done. My toes are adorable too. I had fun! My sister and I went to a really nice restuarant and had dinner then we went to peak at the mazda I want. It's adorable, tinted windows, body kit, pearl white paint *sigh* I want it. It's missing a euro spoiler and vented hood but my brother in law assures me that if I really NEED these things they can be ordered and installed on it. YAY!
One of my friends wants me to go clubbing in Frisco with her, I'm very tempted, I think next Friday I'm going to go. I'm nervous about a big club scene but she works there and it's a bigger pool, no small town drama. I can just go out dancing, have fun and come home no big deal.
I'm very glad it's Sunday, I'm not washing my hair today to help the color stay and I don't want a million people seeing me with greasy hair! I bought another book too so I have something that will keep me at least a little busy!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 April 2009 09:15 pm |
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When I end a binge my first impulse is to go really low in calories, I know this is a mistake. I need to ease back into my regular calorie set, if I don't it's likely to set off another binge. Knowing doesn't make it that much easier, but it will stop me from doing something stupid like eating 800 calories a day and then bingeing like a monster the next. I'm shooting for 1600 today, I've got about 1300 in right now, so dinner will be light. I want this extra three pounds of water weight off now though! I hate how impatient I get. I hate that I still feel huge and that if I don't lose weight soon everything is going to fall to peices.
I would do anything for a content moment right now. A moment when I'm not over-analyzing everything, worrying, waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I have tried so hard and it is exhausting. I'm so tired. I just want to close my eyes and feel good again, feel like something isn't missing. Why do I feel this way?! Why can't I get over things easy? Audrey Hepborn once said, "I have a great need for affection and an even greater need to give it." That has quite a few meanings, but right now it applies to me in the sense that I don't give just a little of me, I give a lot and I can't take it back, it's like saying goodbye to part of myself. The feelings of inadequacy are creeping back in. I told my friend I know now it was too soon, I was too vulnerable to jump into anything because I needed that tenderness so badly, I needed a shoulder to lean against, but it should have been a friend, someone I could trust. Now it's ten times worse and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've been expecting to feel better with everything I've been doing to distract myself and I'm just not. I know going through the motions will help, that just getting out HELPS. But why can't it work faster! Think of some more distractions guys, I need help! How can I make this easier for myself?
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mj36
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| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 5 April 2009 09:50 pm |
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OK, so you had a binge. It came from an emotional place, and it will be a hard pattern to break permanently (I KNOW!) but you had a really long stretch of normal eating and can aim for another of the same. If the time between binges gets longer and longer, you can call it success! I can't wait to see your new hairstyle. I need to do something with mine but the $ is definitely holding me back! My hair is quite long and I pay extra because of that... but once I get back from my spring vacation, it will be on the to-do list. It always feels SOOOOO awesome!
Now, as for staying busy and distracted... what about getting a bike? If your little guy is too young to ride with you, you can get a seat for him to ride on the back or one of those little pull along things, and explore the great outdoors together. Or hiking, swimming, whatever. An enrichment class in some area you always wanted to learn, craft classes, whatever you've never found the time to do. Myself, I take a lot of courses for advanced degrees, but I also like to read, go to sporting events, watch TV, hike/bike/run... variety is really important too! I hope you find something to help with the distraction. I grew up in a small town, and I know exactly what you mean about having to face the situation daily... no long way around, no avoiding it...
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 April 2009 08:46 pm |
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days without incident ( 2 ) and counting
Weight is still two pounds up, ugh!
I wore my hair down, and Im' showing off, most people like it but one person said it makes me look older and that I look better dark.
I wasn't going to go out last night, but a friend called me and said the coast is clear, come have a fun night with me. So I did. I met someone new. Dangerous! I'm not over the last one so I'm taking this very slow. I gave him my number and that's it! He already called me . Shoot! I want that attention but considering I'm not over the last one I'm very likely to hurt him. Especially if the last one ever comes around again (in my wildest dreams!)
More distractions are needed. I should not have gone out last night. It felt good to feel pretty and desirable, but it feels sort of hollow too. I'm not pretty, thin or wonderful enough for the man I want.
Distractions this week include; test driving cars, clubbing in Frisco, hot yoga, tanning, a lot of cleaning and of course reading.
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 6 April 2009 10:44 pm |
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| You might be pretty, thin or wonderful enough, but until you believe it... you know the rest. Did you ever look at happy couples? Not always pretty or thin, but probably pretty wonderful... that's the one I would focus on! I think you already are wonderful, but the work is in believing it yourself! What is HOT YOGA?
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dmg2879
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 April 2009 11:00 pm |
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl wrote: I'm not pretty, thin or wonderful enough for the man I want.
EXCUSE ME??!! According to who's standards? Don't you DARE sell yourself short!! Listen hun...we, as women that have had our hearts broken, set these standards for the man we want. Problem is...more often that not, this man simply does not exist. OR...if you are referring to the GQ gorgeous man that is fit for gym commercials...sweetie, let me tell you from experience...that man will always be more interested with the person he sees in the mirror than the woman standing in front of him. The truest of all loves is not finding the perfect person, it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I had to come to the realization that I am ridden with flaws so how dare I want a man that has none? lol. We want them to love us with our imperfections, then we need to do the same in return.
You're awesome!! Believe it.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 April 2009 11:30 pm |
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mj- hot yoga is where they heat a room to 100 or so degrees and then you practice yoga, the idea is that you burn more calories and detox through sweat. It's supposed to help with cellulite.
dmg- Thank you for the reminder. It's so hard I feel like such a fool. This guy should act because he sure had me fooled. I thought he really really liked me and that's why I let my guard down.
Last edited on 8 April 2009 09:14 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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mj36
New Member
| Joined: | 25 December 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1063 |
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Posted: 6 April 2009 11:37 pm |
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| I think your hair looks fab, especially the layers around the face. Who cares what someone else thinks, as long as you like it and it makes YOU feel good. BTW, you have amazing eyebrows... haha, I just love a well-defined brow, probably because my blonde brows are hard to even see...
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CrimsonAnimus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 April 2009 01:28 am |
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Great pic, ThinGirl!
And I agree with the others - don't sell yourself short. It's difficult not to, and I can definitely relate. Somewhere out there is a man for you, who will appreciate you just as you are. I'm sure you'll find him someday, perhaps when you're not even looking.
Keep it up!
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 April 2009 02:08 pm |
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mj- I'm so glad you love the hair, I love it too, yay for wonderful stylists!
crimson- I always sell myself short, I've done it from a very young age and it's very hard to break out of. I constantly feel the need for reassurance that I'm worth something and when I'm getting attention from men I feel worthy, but it's worse when I'm not And no matter how many times I tell myself it's not me there's always this little niggling doubt that it is.
days without incident ( 3 ) and counting
I think I've gotten mostly out of the danger zone for bingeing but I'm not taking any chances, I'm still on high alert. As of yesterday I was still up two pounds from starting, so let's see what the scale holds for today, I'll post my weight when I get to work. It's always weird to hear "oh wow, you weigh less then I do now!" I'm no longer always the biggest girl in the room, although for some reason I still feel like I am. In fact friends that are heavier than me always look way smaller then I feel, and friends that are the same size have me thinking, there's no way I look that good! I'm not being ridiculous, I just can't see it, when I look in the mirror I see fat and loose skin!
That guy I met the night before last called me. Twice. I stopped by and said hi to him, which was a big mistake. He's a really quite guy, and I think he's looking for a girlfriend. I'm going to try to just keep a little distance and hopefully we can end up friends. I can't have a boyfriend right now, I don't have the ability to add any more stress to my life! And like I said, I'm not over the last one. It gets better day by day, but I still want him.
I wanted to get my house all spotless shiny last night but I was so tired, I didn't do much of anything and then I hit bed with a book early. Of course I read way too late and I'm a little tired this morning. So I guess I won't be catching up on sleep this week! That's not so bad though, looking in the positive light of it at least I won't want to go out if I'm sleep deprived!
weight back down to 172
Last edited on 7 April 2009 06:04 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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