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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 8 February 2012 11:26 am |
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Today's Get Healthy Scorecard
Weight: 136.5 (early AM read-very consistent) (135.5 after work, dehydrated) (135.0)
Sleep: 11:30-5:15
Fitness: Yoga (45/50?m) = -60; Toning U/L1/A (35m) -60; 3.1m run/walk (39m) -250
Calories: 728IN -370 = 358NET
Drinking: -
Wellbutrin: Y
Vitamins: (Mag, Calc+D, B-Cmplx, Folic)
"Me" things: Taking EDog to vet so I get to lounge around the house for a couple of hours and go in to the office late.
Emotional: Recentered and OK. ETA: Got a little bit sad after vet, but bounced back OK.
Physical Bits: Got in yoga, I need to get in a run/walk though for training purposes!
GENT: Text from Jason, exchange last night. He apologized but just back from campus and 48 straight hours including some family stuff...just brief, supportive communication. Nothing from TB...Kryptonite....prolly a Very Good Thing!
Last edited on 9 February 2012 03:49 am by mollymoo24
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 February 2012 01:24 pm |
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| Hiker has a point, although there may be extenuating circumstances. It wouldn't be the first time a woman didn't want the father around. But, still it's his child. That and the fact that he didn't get an honorable discharge, for which the reason is still unknown. You just want to protect yourself here, Mols. It's good he's off the pedestal. That's good for you.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 8 February 2012 09:23 pm |
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Wow, I really really wanted a cigarette after work today (still there, not as bad). I had to stop for gas to get home....I really didn't think I was going to be able to go to a gas station and get gas without cracking and buying a pack. It was a difficult mind-body battle and I drove as far as I could in the hopes that the craving would pass. When I was actually at the gas station and got out of the car, the thought that popped into my mind was "you want to RUN more than you want that cigarette" and it was true...if I smoke I will kill my running and fitness. So...that saved me.
Even though I did yoga early this morning, my peace get a bit messed up afterward from EDog's vet visit...his tail hasn't healed at the bottom, though they had to remove the sutures and "glue" it and now it is in a tube where it is getting access to air (I guess there was too much moisture in the bandage)...I can't help but think they/we could have done better by him, why don't they check it every other day, or have me do it at home? but it is water under the bridge now. If it is not improved by Saturday they will probably recommend another amputation surgery which means he'll lose another several inches of tail and start all over again on the recovery process. This is not uncommon with tail amputations because there isn't a lot of skin there to work with, but it IS very sad - and expensive - when it fails to take and has to be redone.
I had an interview also this afternoon which, as I've said before, makes me entirely nervous. On paper, this guy looked like a very good candidate and I've been waiting for quite some time for our scheduels to align, so it felt particularly anxiety-producing. Then I had a 1 on 1 with my analyst C, then bolted out the door. It was sunny out and I thought I'd run; I need to run, but I haven't yet. Still trying to level out a bit first.
Every time I think of TB it seems to provoke anxiety as well. For the most part, I seem to be tuning him/the situation out today.
Since I went to the office late I had a late brekkie and no lunch - which also means I never got my usual bottle of water - so when I got home I got out of my dropping size 8 and hopped on the scale to a 135.5. Its nice to see even though it will be gone as soon as I hydrate.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 February 2012 11:54 pm |
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Wow - epic battle against the cigarette! Congrats on that victory. And 135.5, ok, sure some of it's dehydration - but it gives motivation to see low number, doesn't it? You know you're making progress.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 01:44 am |
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This night has been getting on pretty well actually..
I was really tired/sleepy (from stress again) and also a bit lonely when I got home from work, and still on edge. I went into slaa chat for a bit, but I just knew I would be upset with wasting a whole night in the chat room, isolating on my couch and feeling a bit pessimistic about the whole concept of ever finding someone - the right someone...and well, my age thing, my loose skin thing, my past-childbearing opportunity thing.
So, I used the time-bound technique and while I ran a bit over in slaa to keep someone company, I did keep my boundary and stuck to 5 minutes. Then, I went out in the front room and did my toning routine (uppers, lowers1, abs), which takes about 35 minutes. Its that old Denise Austen video, but it works. And, it wasn't so difficult as I expected, and I used the 3 pound instead of the 2 pound weights, I am guessing that the yoga has been waking up and strenghtening my muscles a bit. I didn't do lowers2 because I was thinking of running...
...and I did, 5K, my first nighttime run in quite a while...my muscles felt stronger, more comfortable, working steadily but not struggling like the other day...maybe because I didn't run yesterday and they had a chance to rest.
And I haven't even eaten since breakfast, which probably isn't ideal. I'll see if I get hungry after I cool off. And PAG is stopping by tonight on his way to #2, maybe we'll order out and eat something together.
Off to shower!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 02:09 am |
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Ha, after working out and not eating the rest of the day 135.0. Just sayin!  I did drink a lot of water earlier and I need to eat something, but that's SO COOL!
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zenobia
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 February 2012 02:46 am |
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right the f*ck on, mol!  good stuff!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 07:18 am |
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 Thanks Zen and Jack.
Unusally (for lately) I awoke at 1:30 and didnt' fall back asleep. Ended up putzing around on nwsite for a bit. I think it is because I didn't eat dinner until nearly 10. I was exhausted enough that I was asleep by 11, I kind of kicked PAG out bit early (10:45 or so) and crashed hard, but now I'm back up. I was worried it might mess with my sleep but also felt that I needed to eat something. And I seem to already be a little hungry again lol.
It is interesting how much better I feel about myself just for dropping these 8-9 pounds and toning up a bit - my clothes are fitting better; I feel a bit more comfortable with myself, I don't feel quite so insecure with how I look nekkid (though, there is still a lot more work to do). It is sooo easy to let onesself go....I never thought that I would again, but I did. You have to work on making taking care of yourself a top priority in your life.
I think taking up smoking again was a key part of my downfall. I do sometimes wonder if it was that, and not the W, which was sparking my muscle issues which plagued me to stop running, or other myriad health effects...I certainly know it is why I was sick the past 2 winters for quite a long time (and hey, haven't been sick in 2012, hmmmm!)
Smoking is very very bad. I'm glad I didn't break down today.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 February 2012 08:30 am |
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Holy good Molly, what's going on here? You mean you got up off the couch and did some toning - and a 5k? *And* fought off the big smoke? Dude, you get an A+ for today. 135 is just a happy by-product of being so proactive. If only I could do something like that. Wait - I can!
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 February 2012 11:50 am |
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MOls, I gott second what Jack said....you are doing fantastic. The smoking issue is huge and you are fighting that fight....and winning. HUGE accomplishment. And dropping 7-8 pounds...I think the incredible Mols is back  .
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 01:41 pm |
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Thanks guys!!! It's nice to be on a roll, and I appreciate your messages!
Boy, did I hardly get any sleep at all. I am at work, with a lot to do, so I'll just post my accounability quickly - but just a note that I had a snack in the middle of the night while I was up for several hours, and came in to the office today and enjoyed a piece of texas toast along with brekkie, but I'll keep it low at lunch and it will be fine.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 01:47 pm |
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Today's Get Healthy Scorecard
Weight: 135.75 (early AM) (135.5 after work)
Sleep: 11:00-1:30; 4-6 (sucked)
Fitness:
Calories: 1503IN -0 = 1503NET
Drinking: 1
Wellbutrin: Y
Vitamins: (Mag, Calc+D, B-Cmplx, Folic)
"Me" things: Finally getting this amp out of my house. Treated myself to a piece of Texas french toast with syrup at breakfast. :)
Emotional: OK. It was a crazy busy day at work, and I'm tired but fine.
Physical Bits: A bit twingy here and there but fine. Head muddled from poor sleep.
GENT: Other than PAG's visit last night (we ordered out dinner that was about it), nada. Blackie's coming by tonight to pick up that amp; happy to say I saw a fresh piccy of him on nwsite and he has new glasses and hair which make him physically uninteresting to me, he looks nothing like the person I had some interest in a couple of years ago. He lives about 50? 60? miles away so he just happens to be coming in to the city since he has the day off.
TB called this morning, as below.
Last edited on 10 February 2012 01:22 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 9 February 2012 10:10 pm |
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TB-Kryptonite rang me around 11:30 this morning. Surprised, I did answer it. The first thing he did was apologize about Sunday, and indicate that he had crashed out. I made sure that I was clear that my big issue was that he never called, he agreed. Same old same old. I don't think his apology changes the way that I feel about it, really. I'm tired and didn't have time or energy to think about it, and the rocketship did not go off.
I told him I was busy and I'd have to call him back after work tonight. I could hear that he was in the car driving and remarked on this...he said that yeah, he was on his way back to the city, and would be leaving again on Sunday night. Now. I was starting to wonder if things were as they seemed...I mean, he wasn't supposed to be getting back from Ohio until Sunday and then turn around a couple of hours later and go to Grand Rapids. But he does have a company rental and his own car is in the shop getting some work done, so I know he really was working.
I can't remember the reason other than work why he originally wasn't going to be back and we weren't going to get to see each other until after I got back from AZ. With everything that's happened I pretty much feel suspicious about anything he says or does right now. Which - well - that's not any use to have in my life. I do have better things to do with my time than worry about whether or not someone is telling me the truth.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 February 2012 10:59 pm |
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Yeah, I tend to agree, Mols. After everything, the new info, the inconsideration - he crashed? - what about when he woke up? It's Thursday, isn't it? It's just that he's so unreliable. Has a kid and child support which he never mentioned despite essentially proposing for marriage and a family. The discharge. The lack of communication. It's not like you guys are in high school. It's just kind of messed up.
At the very least, let him do all the work, all the 'splaining, all the worrying. Keep the walls up. Minimize you're availability. I just think that you're on a roll right night and need to keep the focus there. You seem to be inclined in the direction anyway.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 01:06 am |
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| Blackie's visit lasted about 2 hours. I was tired, but enjoyed his company. Actually he's still the same person I once liked, and I can see why. Very easygoing conversation, good sense of humor, and pretty cool - music and motorcycle guy. But the fact of the matter is, he's the primary custodian of his 9 year old daughter (but shared) and he's anchored to where he lives in small city, Indiana. It is too far away to make dating practical and while he used to make it to Chicago quite a bit on weekends when his ex-wife had custody on the weekends, now that the daughter is swimming all the time he takes her to her meets on the weekends, because the ex-wife won't. He's a good, dedicated father, but there's not really a potential for a relationship to happen unless I wanted to go down there all the time, which isn't practical for me. This is all why we never started seeing each other in the first place. But it was nice to spend time with him catching up. He's a nice guy, and no guessing where he stands on things. How refreshing.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 10:41 am |
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Oh yeah, my lead analyst in the US who has worked for me for something like 8 years is pregnant again with her 2nd child. As often happens when someone has a 2nd child, she's considering her options needs about coming back to work. She was asking about part-time (which we don't do, and isn't going to work from a workload standpoint) and I offerered to try to see if we could let her work from home a couple of days per week (also not likely, because we can't do this for her and NOT other people, but she has a huge commute) or maybe there is something else she could do for the company. Maybe I could hire her as a contractor part-time. She's the one who used to be the department manager who I have been try to replace (for a long time) without much success. In a way, I'm relieved. The fact that she has been here since the beginning...she's good, and I trust her implicitly, but she's stuck in old ways and we need some new thinking/talents in the team. This day was coming, and she's conscientious and hopeful enough that she was open about her needs ahead of time, without making any threats. She would like to continue to work to "keep her sanity" and she wants to talk about options.
Still, I didn't need another problem to solve.
And - being a woman I'm not supposed to say this, but - dang! I wish I could get pregnant so I could take 3 months off work. I've been here for 20 YEARS and the longest I ever had off was a 2 week vacation, exactly twice, during which I was still connected to the office for important things. I need a freaking break myself! And, I'm supposed to be leaving at the end of March...right?
I haven't advanced my thinking along those lines lately, I don't know if it is because my job has been going better, if it is laziness, avoidance, or just simply focusing more on the basics of getting my health better. Likely, all 3. It has been 2 weeks and the Europe VP hasn't approved my plan for the UK team org structure so I can't get going on the hiring for that.
I've got 3 active candidates in the pipleline right now for the open US manager role. The most promising one is from New York and I'm puzzled that it is has been 2 days and he hasn't emailed me his dates he would be available to fly out for in-person interviews...if I don't get them today, I'm thinking he has decided he is not interested in spite of his seeming enthusiasm on the phone. The gv project is kicking in to high gear, but it seems like CL is willing to step up and take on some of the work as a learning opportunity in spite of how busy we are. I'm grateful and hoping she will pull it off well, but she does need to learn at some time. AND something urgent and BIG has come up with a major multinational customer in Denmark and Holland, but it is probably the most interesting, roll up my sleeves, and dig dig for answers opportunity I've had in quite a long time. These 3 things are enough to keep me very busy and that doesn't cover all the little tick-tacky stuff that comes up every day...coaching people, approvals on things, meeting with the DNA on the new reorg and getting our teams to work together effectively; blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm glad I just reminded myself why I need to 'get out'.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 10:47 am |
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Oh, I did ring TB-Krypotonite last night finally around 8 after Blackie left (I was SO tired) and airily left a message that I was calling back because I said that I would, but that I'd be going to bed around 9. He didn't call back. Who knows...I know he had a 6-hour drive...he could have been doing anything, including sleeping, by that point.
I'm really glad that I had that time with Blackie because it made me realize that I could feel attraction to someone else. I'm very comfortable with him. I would date him if it was practical and he was still interested in me. Sucks, because I don't know how to go about meeting other people to date. But I guess when I really feel motivated to try, I will get out there and find ways. Plus, spring isn't that far away and then there is the lakefront, the patio at the coffee shop, etc. Too bad Bike Shop Guy doesn't work there any more.
OK, I got up early so I could go in to work early and instead have been writing in my journal. Time to get up and get going. No time for a shower!
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 February 2012 12:56 pm |
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Hi MOls, sounds like you had a nice visit with Blackie, nothing wrong with having friends that are just that.
I love your new name for TB....I think TB-Krypotonite is great, it will help you remember.
As for 3 months off when you have a baby...it might be fun but the next 20 years are a lot of work  . Espeically if you have to balance work and child.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 02:21 pm |
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Hiker wrote: I love your new name for TB....I think TB-Krypotonite is great, it will help you remember.
Kryptonite was Jack's brainchild - it's perfect. I'm still loving this morning the afterglow from being with Blackie who is totally open with how he thinks and feels...yeah, even if we are going to be "just friends", spending a bit more time with someone like that, whether in person or via phone or whatever, is really good for me, because I need to learn to be more of that way in relationships with men. PAG is also very open but I have been keeping PAG at arms length on the things we discuss because I know that he still has feelings for me, and to some degree I have for him, but it is tempered by knowing he's not today nor in the foreseeable future going to be really independent. And Jason, well, there are other reasons that spending time with him has its drawbacks, because he keeps ME at arms length in certain ways.
OK. I have a little Blackie crush going on again. But it doesn't mean anything. It's just nice to have that little undercurrent of liking someone else again. Maybe he's just come back into my world at just the right time, to serve as a distraction from TB.
Maybe I'll have to make a trip down to small city, Indiana after I get back from AZ. He'd invited me in the past a few times, but I could never work it in for various reasons.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 02:26 pm |
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Today's Get Healthy Scorecard
Weight: 135.0 (early AM) (GO ME!!!)
Sleep: 10:30 - 4:50 (yay, sleep)
Fitness: snow mostly killed plans; danced around a bit
Calories: 2306IN -0 = 2306NET
Drinking: 3
Wellbutrin: Y
Vitamins: (Mag, Calc+D, B-Cmplx, Folic)
"Me" things:
Emotional: Upbeat due to a decent nights' sleep, enjoying what I'm doing at work, and having a nice (platonic) time last night.
12PM: Work has been frenetic, getting frazzled, showed by eating chips and 2 pieces of chocolate, and snapping at someone...need to go chill out and breathe off in the corner.
Physical Bits: Still feeling that good ache from toning on Weds
GENT: -
Last edited on 11 February 2012 03:21 am by mollymoo24
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 February 2012 03:45 pm |
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Whoah..135. Nice
I'm sure that your healthy glow will capture men's attention. Without a doubt. Once you get there, the rest will follow. This Blackie guy sounds cool. Who knows, if you quit your job, you'll have more time to visit him. Or vice-versa.
Hiker's right - is the 3 months of worth the next 20 years? Two weeks vacation after 20 years - oh, i see you mean consecutively. Still, that what ticks me off about the American system - two weeks vacation? Really? WTF?
Another option for TB's nickname is KB Either way, it's a great idea to adjust his nickname to remind you what he's been doing to you. I love how you "airily" left a message. I'm looking forward to more of exactly the same kind of atitude toward guys on your part.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 10:47 pm |
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Firefox is working again! Thanks Nir!
***********************************************
Holy cow, Munich Energy Mol is back tonight...I'm SO in the mood for mischief. Kindof of combination I think of a stressful workweek going on pause (even though I didn't get everything done), dressing and looking and feeling good today at work (skirt, tall boots, looking thinner), and a bit of the Blackie factor thrown in.
*Glint*
However, there is a snow and ice storm currently on, so it may temper much getting around tonight. This is may be a blessing in disguise...or not. Ha. I kindof feel like it would be great for me to just have a debaucherous night for once, with somebody not already on the "been there/done that" list. If Blackie wasn't in small city, Indiana, with obligations tomorrow, I'm sure I'd be tempting him to drive back up here. :)
So, as it stands, I'm having a nice-sized g&t, and blasting some Killing Joke.
If nothing else, I foresee an evening in with music, drinks, the vinyl coming out, maybe some more decluttering etc. I'm pretty much feeling like I'm running the show again.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 10 February 2012 11:38 pm |
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This is for Jack...
Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75sx7U6dAB4
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 12:58 am |
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I'm so cheesed off right now. Not only has TB not called me tonight after work, but I see there is a concert on that I KNOW must explain how he magically arranged his schedule - Motorhead, Megadeath, and Lacuna Coil (LC being probably his favorite band). I'd bet $1000 he is at that concert right now with some other chick. Well, it's all downhill from here. #%@&! hath no fury like...
In any event, my playful earlier mood is winding into something a little darker; I think the weather keeping me in has something to do with it. I nearly got up and went to that concert myself, as a number of people I know are there (per FB)...but I think my actual motivation was to run into TB so I decided that wasn't a good idea. I seriously think right now I would probably punch him.
So...the acting out continues to take a contained and moderated form. I sent a text to Jason "thinking of you", not expecting any response. It looks like a number of FB peeps including PAG are supposed to go to a club night waaaay out in the burbs tonight, but with the snow I don't know how folks are getting out there. I have had 2 g&t's so I won't be driving anywhere. And I don't want to go to #2 if the peeps I know won't be there.
Well, it won't be the worst thing if I end up staying home and falling asleep. early. I do have plans to meet up with H tomorrow evening and do some dancing.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 01:05 am |
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So, ladies and gents, I just fired off the following text to TB-K:
"The sad thing is, I believed you and I believed IN you. And you don't seem to value that and you don't love me or respect me."
I'm not expecting any reply. I guess it kindof needed to be said, because it reflects how he has been acting, and if I'm wrong...well...he'll scramble to fix things. I am not expecting it.
Congratulations Mol...it may be a painful truth...but at least you don't have to live in the shadow of fear of the words any more.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 01:22 am |
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He just tried to call me but I didn't pick it up. Maybe he's not at the concert after all.
But he's certainly in town and wasn't trying to get together with me at all so pffffft.
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 February 2012 01:50 am |
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| Stay strong Mols, of course he is calling, he always does if he thinks you are pulling away, then he reels you in and then let's you go agian. It seems to be his pattern. Your email was right on, you do deserve love and respect.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 February 2012 02:57 am |
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| Good point, Hiker. That's the exact pattern. Mols, I guess it had to be said. He's gotta know now that he pushed you to far. It's interesting how when you get more physically in shape, you stop settling for less than you deserve. It's interesting how closely your physical condition parallels your physiological condition.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 03:00 am |
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TB-K left a voice mail alluding to the trouble's he's allegedly been having with his cell phone - not receiving all calls and texts - he alluded to this yesterday when we spoke as well...said that he's supposed to be taking it in tomorrow and getting a replacement phone. Just factual, about the phone, and "I'll talk to you later". Nothing addressing the content of my text at all, of course, maybe he wants to be able to deny receiving it. Whatever. I almost sent him a text "pathetic" but I didn't. It's sad, but I expect he realizes that his bluff is called, he doesn't actually even seem to be trying, didn't ask me to call him back, didn't ask if we could talk about my text, nothing.
Whatever.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 03:55 am |
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Well, Jason is on a roll via texts...talking about having a difficult day, and playing guitar and remembering old records/songs and old times...we are talking about one particular project, di-----... he tells me he learned over Christmas that the bass player, who is now somewhat of a known entity in the indie rock community, claims to never have listened to their recordings. Jason thinks it is about maintaining integrity, independence, and honoring the friendship...but I don't see it myself. He sent another text saying "not ever listening to it, he just gets to remember making it". That, I somewhat do get, because as I've seen along the way the past couple of years, each album or recording session is really a journey in and of itself...an experience over days or months or weeks, which is really burned into your brain as a snapshot in time, in your life.
Anyway, he says the other 2 guys in the band now have the cutest kids, and he hopes the kids don't stumble across the album with the picture of their dads with no heads. Funny. The music was mostly written by the other two in the U of M dorms, while Jason wrote and played drums and produced it. The subsequent R in A album was instrumental, due to the singer's vocal cord injury, but it is also quite good. That project and Jason's most recent here in Chicago, are the best.
He also says "when I want to feel better, s- f- t- s- was my favorite". I put it on and told him I was listening to it, and he texted back the same. It was sort of a nice moment, as far as text moments go.
I think my evening is going to be over soon. I was watching Reservoir Dogs earlier and finished most of it, and did a little decluttering but not very much. But I'm getting sleepy and looking forward to a restful night, and a good day tomorrow. I ate a lot, but am hoping that I'll be able to burn it off tomorrow. I haven't looked to see if we are going to get a warm up; the sidewalks are snowy and icy and it is quite cold out tonight, too cold to run in any event.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 12:38 pm |
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Good morning!
Hmmmm...right now the temp outside is 10 degrees with a wind chill of -7..., expected high of 21. I might be able to get out for a run - with my yaktrax, right at the peak, but it still will be pretty cold. However I have had 2 days in a row off, and I need it for training purposes so it is that, or the dreaded treadmill today. I also need to do yoga today.
Jason and I texted back and forth until we both drifted off a bit past 11:30 last night. It was just a bit of company and supportive stuff...we both knew we needed sleep more than anything else. I didn't get up until 6:45 this morning, feels gooooood.
Nonetheless, since I ate whatever the heck I wanted last night, there's a big Lump O' Crud in my belly this morning. I haven't felt that big yucky overeating lump in a long time. It is not a good feeling in any way, shape or form.
EDog needs to go to the vet today for the latest check on his tail. From the bit I can tell from the tube opening, it looks like that part has crusted up. I can't really see it well enough to tell what is going on, only that I am certain it is not infected and is not oozing anything. I hope that is a good sign! Please keep your fingers crossed.
The sun has just decided shine brightly through just the thinnest layer of clouds and so there is a whole big wad of bright orange in the sky, glowing through my back door window, onto my right shoulder, and making my own shadow on the couch. I love the sun, it is such an influencer on my mood, and surely the lack of sun this past week has part to do with my worsening mood. But I also didn't get quite enough sleep, work was stressful, I let TB get me off kilter, I was drinking (to excess on Monday at the beginning of the week), and I've been 2 days now without exercise. Of course it all just sortof rolls together and makes you not at your best.
Fortunately, I'm getting better at doing to the activities which DO make me at my best!
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Jack, I think it is interesting that you said I don't settle for less than I deserve when I am in shape. It totally is about taking care of myself, and feeling strong and worthy, and attractive...I guess those are the times when I feel like I can and should demand more...and have more confidence that I can land someone else pretty readily...and the energy to look and to date...cause MAN does that take a lot of time and energy. And you know that I don't want to be alone. I guess that's a factor that drives me to keep trying at it until past the time when it makes sense that I should.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 12:47 pm |
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Today's Get Healthy Scorecard
Weight: 136.0 (early AM, belly full of crud) (135.5 after run)
Sleep: 11:40 - 6:45 (yay, sleep-2 days in a row!)
Fitness: Yoga (56m, -60); 3.1r/w (39m) -250; dancing 1hr - 280
Calories: 2049IN -590 = 1459NET (5/6 pizza at 2AM-starving from all the exercise!)
Drinking: 3
Wellbutrin: Y
Vitamins: Noon (Mag, Calc+D, B-Cmplx, Folic)
"Me" things: Went out, saw Smiths cover band, danced. Kept it to 3 drinks and came home at a decent hour, which meant I didn't derail my sleep.
Emotional: OK when I woke up. Glad EDog is doing better. Suddenly sad about TB again this afternoon, after some memories cropped up. Felt more balanced after yoga and run.
Physical Bits: Nothing.
GENT: Nothing really. I noticed this morning that Blackie removed my "Good to see you" comment from yesterday from his FB page. Even though he'd texted me the same later in the day on my phone along with a bit of back and forth yesterday evening. I sent him a note asking about it cause I'm not going to guess. Could be just a privacy thing.
Last edited on 13 February 2012 12:27 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 04:00 pm |
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Back from the vet. There was a pretty big "flap" of dead stuff on the end of the tail, but also lots of healthy tissue and new growth, and good blood flow under the dead bit when they removed it. So altogether, it seems like things are more optimistic. He will go in next Thursday and is still on some antibiotics. The goofy vet put pink hearts on his bandage for valentine's day...its a little embarrassing for both of us but it was such a cute, sweet gesture I'm leaving them on.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 04:53 pm |
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Every once in a while it hits, me, the death of the dream, perhaps more than the loss of what in reality, is, or has been. I don't need that anxiety, that uncertainty; it is unhealthy and has preoccupied my of my mind and emotions. My creativity becomes suffocated, and my focus of pleasing and what is good becomes externally focused.
But there are those moments, like just now as I went to fetch my phone from the car, that I saw 'missed call" and anticipated that maybe it was him...but it wasn't...and then walking back through the yard past the firepit, I remember an early evening with him by the firepit, where we both felt it, a connection which was very different and solid and had long-term potential.
It has been over a year and a half now since our first date. It has been that long since I have been out there in the market "looking". It has been that long since I never really gave up thinking about the possibilities we'd talked about. I became open to accommodate his needs, which were different than mine, because I did feel that the possibilities were worth the work and effort and investment. And...had he felt the same, we probably could have done it, and been happy. But it has been for quite some time now, that I think he's been unable or unwilling to commit to being back with me for various reasons, and I think the opportunities have been exhausted. I'm exhausted. There is no winner in this, there is no positive outcome, after a year and a half of turmoil and effort, there is no result to show for it. We become strangers again. I guess its just important to remember all the good times and good things we did together, so it doesn't feel like I wasted a year and a half of my life.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 04:58 pm |
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I'm trying not to act out again today. I wanted a smoke. I want a drink. I want to eat (I haven't eaten yet because I ate so much last night, trying to figure out something lo cal). i'm going out with H later tonight. I would like to try to have a good day today leading up to that, so I can have a good evening too. I don't know why I lack the motivation to do my yoga and go for a run.
I guess I will use the time-bound technique. Yoga starts at 1PM.
Gotta shake this funk.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 February 2012 07:16 pm |
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Hey Mols,
Yeah, it's a good idea to remember the good times. Theres a famous song that goes "What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget". I don't think that's true in my case, but I think it's a heckova good idea.
It's ok to be in a funk. Just don't let that stop you from doing your yoga and your toning. You'll feel much better for it. Keep that momentum going!
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 February 2012 09:06 pm |
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| Hey Mols, yup you should remember the good times but don't let that make you forget the not so great times. No one has the phone issues TB-K claims to have. OK, maybe if you live way the heck out in the middle of nowhere but in the city...I don't think so. Just more of his dishonesty I think. You seem to be such an honest person I think maybe you don't see deception in others...then again maybe I'm the one who sees it far to easily. In any case great to see the strong Mols hanging in there.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 10:16 pm |
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Yup I managed to do my yoga first using the time-bound technique, then I bundled up to take advantage of the "warmer" (=18 degrees) part of the day - the sun was out yay! - put on my YakTrax for the first time, and slugged out 5K. My legs weren't so bad, but it is more my breathing that still isn't up to par. Even afterward, feels like I'm having trouble drawing a deep breath...could be the cold air? The YakTrax really work, I felt very sure footed (although I was taking slightly smaller strides, I felt), a minor drawback is that you do feel them a little on the arch of your feet, but altogether, very effective product and I'm certainly pleased that I was able to run outside with patchy snow and ice on the sidewalks. Time was something under 39, not very good, but its OK, I'm glad that I did it!
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Hiker...I started offering explanations of how it is actually plausible...but I just deleted them. I don't need to offer any more excuses for him.
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Tonight I go to L--- ---...I misspoke earlier when I said I was going with H. Really, she and her hubby were going there anyway as part a birthday celebration and when I mentioned I was interested and that I like to go there, I was warmly encouraged to come. So, I'll get a chance to talk with them and maybe some dancing; maybe I will meet some other friends of theirs, even; but I don't want to "glom" on to them unless it seems like that is what they want. As a backup, if I am in the mood later, I've RSVP'd as a maybe to one of Jax's soirees. I need to start getting my brave on again, socially. I haven't been since before I started seeing TB-K. I might have gone last year after we split up, but I didn't really have the bod (or suitable fitting clothes) for it. My wardrobe options are likely still quite limited since I'm still 13 or so pounds above where I used to be, but I can do a little fashion show here in a bit and see what fits. I can wear red, or red and black, for Valentine's day. I have some really great red and black boots, if I can just make an outfit around them.
Somehow, I wish Shred was in town to go to Jax's soiree...he has this presence which puts me at ease, and kind of anchors me. It seems like there are a half dozen things going on all at once which I am interested in tonight! But, definitely, exploring a friendship with H is a top priority.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 11:29 pm |
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I had 2 veggie burgers for dinner, cooked in a skillet with olive oil. I always wonder how much oil you should count. If it seems to disappear and there is nothing left in the pan do you count all of it? Is there an evaporation factor or anything?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 11:35 pm |
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The fashion show didn't work out so well. The fact is, I was 123 pounds when I bought all that gear. My choices are very limited - so limited in fact that I'm practically decided that I won't go right now...not until I can go and look and feel good about myself...and without a good outfit, I just won't.
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I've had the ringer off on my phone since I did yoga earlier. But - I have it sitting right here and I keep checking the screen. I know I am watching/waiting for TB to call. There's no one else I would anticipate hearing from this evening. Why do I do this to myself? And of course, if I don't hear from him at all tonight (which will very likely be the case) I know I'm going to really be hurt.
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Ooops....just now I got a FB message from H who says it is her turn to poop out tonight and she is staying home. So, if I don't do that, and I don't go to Jax's soiree, exactly what will I do tonight? Stay home and drink and cry over TB? Worse yet, be available should he contact me? My peace is suddenly disturbed. I need a plan for tonight.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 11 February 2012 11:51 pm |
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There's some live music on which I think I might enjoy; question is, who do I have to go with?  I'm getting sad now, sitting on my little couch, isolation is creeping in...I need some more friends.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 February 2012 12:11 am |
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Mols, you owe yourself a night out. Go to the live place music and tell people that your waiting for a friend who seems to be late.
For later on, don't you have meetups you can find on meetup.com and such around Chicago? I know around Boston there are a bunch. I sometimes go to Japanese, French, guitar and technical meetups. There are tons of groups for various interests, including dancing, music, singles, divorced, tons of them.
A scan on meetup.com of "music" for "chicago" shows there's 186 people attending the "WORLDS LARGEST VALENTINES SINGLES PARTY...
in Schaumburg, IL 186 attending", tonight at 8.
"Upscale Top Floor Lounge Saturday Night Wine and Dessert Mixer@CITYSCAPE"
The Rooftop/top floor Lounge at CITYSCAPE is such a place.
http://www.italiasiarestaurant.com/
208 attending - two spots left! Although probably that doesn't matter, I'm sure you could just show up.
"Lei It On The Line For Love"
Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort
2833 N. Sheffield Ave. , Chicago, IL (map)
Saturday, February 11, 2012, 9:00 PM
Don different colored leis to indicate your relationship status at a bash featuring live music from He Said She Said. Singles get a card with a number on it and get a cocktail when they find their match."
12 people attending.
Valentine's Brunch with Jazz Vocalist Jesse Charbonier
Sunday, February 12, 2012, 10:00 AM
36 attending, 4 spots left
Well, that's tomorrow, but still it's something to check out. Most of the people I run into at these events are single.
Btw, congratulations on yoga AND jogging. Wow. Impressed. Especially the jogging - those yaktrax sound amazing. If you keep it up, you're really going to have quite a fashion show. But wait like a year before buying anything else at that size.
Last edited on 12 February 2012 12:14 am by jackbenimble
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 12 February 2012 01:04 am |
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mollymoo24 wrote:
Firefox is working again! Thanks Nir!
Can't take credit for this - nor will I be to blame when it next stops working
This is the motion of the ocean - either a change in FireFox or a random change with the files served up by CPH (I do keep noticing subtle changes...)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 01:08 am |
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Yeah, thanks Jack, actually I did go look on meetup after my last post but didn't catch anything I really wanted. I also tried texting TC to go out for music, but no reply.
So - I did put something out on the nwsite about having a change of plans and to 'hit me up" if you are going to be out and about because I need to get out of the house.
Guess who hit me up. W, who let me know he was going to Jax's soiree and suggested that I go to it. Now, remember, W is TB-K's roommate, the one I knew first, before TB. W and I had an attraction but he was too young and wild for me and I refused to date him. He's absolutely still too young and wild. But we had some very openfaced communications before I started dating TB...so I didn't hesitate to tell him that I wasn't going to the soiree because while I'd lost some weight, I apparently hadn't lost enough. He said that the last time he saw me he thought I looked great blah blah...suddenly it feels like he's taking too much of an interest. If I go there tonight, its too soon...he may be wanting to tell me more bad things about TB, which I may or may not believe (W's been pretty immature about some things all along and really doesn't "get" TB)...I think it will just make me sad...and then, if TB finds out somehow that W and I were at the same event - which is totally likely because the other roommates are all mutual friends etc...well, it makes it even less likely that TB and I could reach some sort of sane ending to things.
But, yeah, part of me really does want to go...and at least I will know numerous people there. But if I go, I need to figure out in advance what the boundaries would need to be with W. I'm not sure it is a very good idea to hang out with him.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 01:27 am |
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Well, I didn't want to go with this because it's not the right color for the evening, but I've got on a grey leather dress with black heeled boots which kindof match. Going to go fishing for some stockings and see if I can make something of it. I just realized I don't even have nail polish on. Do I really want to be doing this half-a**ed?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 01:41 am |
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Wow - for a minute there I was proud of myself for coming to my senses - you do this, impulsively, a bit on the rocketship, without clearly thinking of all the repercussions, and you might regret it. And specifically, what came to mind was if TB found out, it would slam the door shut, it "ruin any chance" of...well, what? Aren't all the chances ruined anyway? So now, I'm totally second guessing myself. Should I go and be defiant and free, or should I not go, and maybe just do something else, just as a precaution until the fat lady has finally sung? And really, Mol, what IS he doing tonight? What was he doing all day? Who is he seeing? Going to a movie? Chatting up on the nwsite? Going out for a dinner, music? I am a freaking nutjob, I am. *tears* I don't really want to let go. How did I become this pathetic person? Sitting here on a Saturday night, half dressed, crying over a guy who doesn't bother to call me, or put any effort into a relationship? Worrying about whether communicating with W, let alone talking to him in person, is really such a wise thing right now...wouldn't he find it the sweetest victory to rip me away from TB for good? How do I know his intentions are friendly and honorable, I've been him at his not so best, and he's vindictive and spiteful at times.
OK. I have been at this for 2 hours now. Clearly if anything, I'm going to wear myself out.
I'm just going to put on a regular going out outfit and head over to L------ or something.
I wouldn't mind it if Jason wanted to get together tonight and hold each other but I don't think that would be very likely. I guess I could try.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 February 2012 03:53 am |
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| Mols, I don't know if you're still there, or went out, but I just wanted to say that you're not crazy. You're just getting hit with a blast of kryptonite. Every time you start thinking about him, you start getting all rocket-shippy. He's messing up your zen. I think you should quietly and calmly in your mind begin the process of letting him go. You're still holding out hope, and it's really disrupting you. You have the ability to end this thing. Take back control.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 07:09 am |
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xoxo Jack...
All things considered, I am pretty proud of my self control tonight. First, while I did hear from Jason while in the cab on the way out, we left it lie because he needed sleep and has a lot to do tomorrow. I went to see a Smiths cover band I've seen before, and suddenly, I felt OK again...familiar music, fun crowd. I tried but didn't really connect with anyone at that show (freak) but then I did go to L--- --- instead of #2 because I wanted a change of pace. I danced for easily over an hour and what is cool is that since I'm getting back into shape and not smoking, it was no problem; I loved it and sweated out good. I had a total of 3 drinks all night which is good, stopped when I should have, got home at a decent hour. All good stuff.
I also chatted a bit with a girl CA who is from the old club, though she is a few years older than me and therefore we don't really know each other well. I'd finished telling her I was going thru a breakup and how hard it is to meet people and how people who go to bars are generally a lot younger than us...and how there wasn't anyone I'd be interested in dating in the place...and then a southern-Europe looking older gent walked up to the dance floor and I called him out to her. Turns out she had a nice convo with him the prior week, and seemed like she had an interest....so ironic given what I had just said to her. They ended up dancing together. She thanked me for giving her encouragement actually, he was aloof at first and I'd said maybe he just need to be "lubricated"...which turned out to be the case, he'd just gotten off work. I'm super happy for her. At our age, it just is so freaking difficult to meet anyone.
Along those lines. FWIW, I did finally get a message back from Blackie via the nwsite and i guess the deletion of my post, so he says, has more to do with him playing around with the timeline format and it just didn't fit, he was cleaning things up, and also deleted a "crazy" chick who commented after me about how cute his daughter is. Hey...at least he didn't call ME the crazy chick. But he says, no, there's no-one that he'd be hiding from.
My gosh. Who would actually believe I am actually in such a battle...a battle for my heart and my mind? I'm almost 43 years old. You'd think I'd have learned a thing or two along the way. Cosmic Meltdown Guy comes to mind. Even well after I'd been through a series of other relationships and setttled in with L, the mere thought/reminder of him was like an electric jolt to my system. It took 10 years for me to be able to think of him and just not react to it.
I guess I'm just the same person I've always been.
Well, at least since I was a teenager...boy oh boy did I learn the wrong lessons about relationships (and men) during my formative years.
Last edited on 12 February 2012 07:10 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 02:34 pm |
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On Whitney
OK. A word about Whitney Houston (who passed away last night)because there are some things which are jumping out.
I was never a fan, really, though I recognized her absolutely magnificent talent. But as a non-fan, and not really interested, I never really was aware of what her life had become until these articles came out.
Its this thing with addiction I pointed out not long ago when I talked about Jason and about myself. You have otherwise amazingly talent people who sometimes get "stuck" there, who can't get out, and they die there. And I think the longer you spend there, the more difficult it becomes to get out. You lose your support network, whether from your behavior or isolationism as you try to hide your secrets. Your job, your friends, your family. You physically and mentally become erratic. The physical and emotional aspects of the addiction dominate you with urgency in any given moment. You start to associate with non-healthy people, enablers, who understand, accept, and feed your addiction.
What I've said in these pages, holds true. This is not a game. Change or die.
It goes for any addiction. Booze, drugs, food, sex/love, cigarettes.
And, as her relationship with Bobby Brown proves...you simply can't have Kryptonite in your life and expect to get and stay healthy.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 12 February 2012 04:23 pm |
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Today's Get Healthy Scorecard
Weight: 136.25 (must be that pizza!) (137.0 before bed - eep! salty pizza?)
Sleep: 2:30? - 9:30? Slept in...boy did I sleep hard from all that exercise!
Fitness: Walk 0.5mile -40
Calories: 1053IN - 40 = 1013NET
Drinking: 1
Wellbutrin: Y (11:15A)
Vitamins: (Mag, Calc+D, B-Cmplx, Folic)
"Me" things: Decluttered my bedroom closet (found some clothes I'd forgotten) and started decluttering one of the cabinets in the den. Connected with TC.
Emotional: OK. Still a bit heartbroken every time I remember that TB is home this weekend...hasn't bothered even trying to communicate. What a #%@&!ty way to be with people, regardless of who they are.
ETA: The "moments"" have continued all day. I seem to want to say more.
Physical Bits: Whooooweee I am stiff and sore, need to stretch! Nose incessantly running, starting after got up, before brekkie...doesn't seem like a cold, could it be the pizza crust?
GENT: Little back and forth with Blackie this morning via nwsite. I'm realizing again the impracticality of the situation. It sucks, I need someone else to like. And I've looked on Craigslist and man, it really seems like that's not a good thing for me. I think you get emotionally invested leading up to meeting someone that way, just like a dating site or whatever. I'd much rather just run into someone...which, if that is going to be my approach (passive rather than active looking) then I'd better get my butt out of the house a lot more often!
Along those lines, got a text back from TC, he got stood up last night and ended up getting quite drunk, he admits. He's my old friend from the amusement park who only recently started coming out of the closet and very recently moved to the city in Boys' Town, he's only about a 15 minute drive away. He's someone who is a self-desribed "music junkie" and we'd probably make good going out partners, actually...I'm going to work on getting some thing(s) set up for us.
PAG stopped by for a visit on his way to #2. We were both in good spirits and joked around a bit. He has this kind of giggly laugh, we were giggling together a little bit. I need to tell him that it makes me uncomfortable when he changes clothes in front of me still.
I wish it wasn't so, but TB-K is still on the brain. I was thinking today of what good companionship we provided to each other when things were going all right for us. We really did always enjoy each others' company and had may interests in common. And I just plain miss him. And I really don't think he has ever had "evil" intentions toward me, I think he's just messed up.
Last edited on 13 February 2012 04:09 am by mollymoo24
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