| Author | Post |
|---|
Nir
Senior Administrator
|
Posted: 28 March 2011 09:00 pm |
|
mollymoo24 wrote:
You know, I think about alcoholics and drug addicts as "those people". Those people whose lives are ruined because they can't function in society every day; they need their addiction to get through the days.
I go to 3 or 4 AA meetings a week and most of the stories are told are not like the 'stereotypical' alcoholic you have outlined in the text I quoted, but rather the 'white-collar' representation that you described in the rest of your post (which Jack has gone ahead and relabelled as 'a person who likes to have fun once in a while').
How would you feel if you were a fly on the wall in an AA meeting and heard someone else tell a very similar story?
Incidentally the most 'anonymous' way of attending an AA meeting is via conference call or IRC chat.
Now for the bit to make you think: what are you more 'powerless' over. What are you more likely to 'abuse', to not be able (or want to) leave alone. Is it food or alcohol?
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 29 March 2011 12:55 am |
|
Hey Jack - Actually I agree with Nir, though - you are a bit kind to sugar-coat it. However I did appreciate what you say about the fact that I am human. I choked up a bit reading that as it is also what Dr. B and also Steve have said to me. I tend to be pretty critical of myself; and you are right, I am not a robot and I do have feelings and emotions and needs and desires and it is normal. What is not normal, is the depth to which I tend to bury/control all those feelings emotions and needs and desires to where I don't even know that I have them. It's the alcohol, in part, which helps me to release them.
Nir - I might consider an internet meeting in due course. I guess I was trying to say I agree with you...my brain says "those people" but in reality I totally agree and get it that many people are functioning alcoholics/abusers. I grew up with one, my Dad. He was a weekend binger too...Friday nights after bowling, and Sundays during football season in particular. I like the question you pose about which am I more powerless over? I don't have an answer for that. Need to think about it.
******************************************************
Today's Getting Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: 141 after dinner.
Calories:
Brekkie: Egg+white (100); breakfast sausage link (90); wheat toast (120)
Lunch: Chicken breast (130) on wheat bun (160) w/lt mayo (20)
Dinner: Rollup (120) with cheese (200) and beefsteak tomato (30); salsa and Baked Scoops (150) = 500. Mike's (220)
Total: 1340IN.
Sleep: Less than 6 hours. Got back from Toolboy's about 11:15. Woke up once or twice. Alarm at 5:45.
Fitness: Zippo.
Smoking: Day 10. Today I had cravings a couple of times but the peaks are nowhere as intense as they were a week ago. I'm making it!!
Wellbutrin: Yes...at 630PM after I got home and picked up my refill. This checklist reminded me - again.
"Me" things: Nice talk with EF, she's been having a rough time lately, we made plans for me to sleepover next Thursday. We're doing a weeknight since we both have to see our men on the weekends. But it turns out to be my birthday night too, and will be awesome to spend it having some girl time/girl talk.
Emotional: Work was another ridiculous stress fest. When the US VP told me a critical international customer wants a meeting on May 10 and we need to set up a meeting with the Europe VP to put together a strategy, I felt sick. It's something important and all the jerks who have had years to think about the issues with this customer haven't come up with a strategy, and now I'm going to be in the thick of it with only 6 weeks to go and two major freaking deliverables which were already a stretch to drive to a finish in April and May respectively. I nearly vomited from the stress for about 30 minutes. Of course my UK-based analyst was in today and trying to get her up to speed and do my own work in between...cripes. Vomit. I need to be working on a presentation tonight but I just don't have it in me. I'm exhausted.
Drinking: A Mike's Hard Lemonade. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, it was just tasty and handy and went down easy with dinner. But when I just added up all the calories and saw that took me from 1100's to 1300's for the day, it made me go 'hmmmmmmm'...
Last edited on 29 March 2011 02:55 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 29 March 2011 02:46 am |
|
After we covered all of EF's latest news and developments, which include a creepy co-worker who is starting to make unwelcome 'gestures of kindness' toward her...we turned to me. What's going on with you, she asked..."Oh, not too much, I kissed PAG and told Toolboy that I love him!" I exclaimed. After a high level recap of the evening, which, for expediency, I left out the part of going to Jason's apartment in between those two events, she asked "Well do you love him?" I paused and then said, "No, I don't think that I do. I don't know. I've kept a wall up for a while now, keeping a certain distance, and while it felt good to let go of that and just be together with him without that wall in the way, I guess I've had doubts and reservations about this relationship since the beginning and I guess i still do." But, you can't take it back. You can't say, I was under the influence, I didn't mean it, I'm not sure I do really love you. Hmmmm. Well, what would happen if I did?
He had another interview today (he had a couple last week too). The 68-hour week is killing him and not worth the money and I guess everyone there is worried about their jobs due to the slowdown in Japan. I guess he learned that a year ago, they laid off the entire 3rd shift without warning, benefits, nothing. Not sure how long he needs to work there before being eligible to claim unemployment.
Anyway, this new job will involve significant travel...for weeks or maybe even months at a time, working on remote locations in US, Canada, Mexico, and Central America. The good news is that the pay is better, he'll have an expense account, and the recruiter that got him the interview has been placing people there...for 17 years...and in that time only 1 person he placed ever left the company. That's an impressive track record.
Toolboy also had his first day in the gym today and gave the rest of his pack of cigarettes to his roommate. I'd better get into better physical shape here soon.
Time to go do my weigh-in then it will be just about time for bed.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 29 March 2011 02:57 am |
|
| Counting calories had an effect this evening. I stopped myself from having a pre-bed snack and a nightcap of apple schnapps since I was already over 1300. I definitely don't need the calories...but I'm so susceptible to snacking when I'm this tired/drowsy. OK...bed!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 30 March 2011 12:57 am |
|
Counting calories continues...and is having a positive effect. I fought like mad to eliminate any late night snacking last night and won. Today, I logged calories concurrent with each meal, using TDP, which I've been tinkering with the past week or so to get my counts...all my old foods data was gone and it is taking a while to build up, but I have decided TDP is the way to go for now. It kept me on track and I knew exactly how much I could have for dinner. I'll just post daily totals from now on.
Using TDP's calculators (which I yet want to cross-check with CPH), at 5'2" and 42 years old (nearly) and 141 pounds and a sedentary lifestyle I can consume 1134 calories and lose 1 pound per week. Ideally, I'd love to lose 2 pounds but 1 is a great target. I sat here and my brain went, "Do I want a drink, or do I want a piece of bread for my veggie burgers?" Bread won. There are too many calories in alcohol to drink when you are not exercising. And yeah, the numbers are starting to sink in....I'm going to have to get exercising again if I really want to make some progress. And be able to have the occasional treat.
******************************************************
Today's Getting Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: Next weigh in Thursday.
Calories: Total: 1067IN (1134 is now my target).
Sleep: Woo Hoo! It took a 1/2 Xanax and a little bit of time but once I was out, that was it - slept straight through. I actually woke before my alarm by 15 minutes and felt refreshed and awake!! 11-5:30 = 6.5 hours. Possible contributing factors: Not expecting to hear from Jason or anyone else and so not being on internet late. Hard day at work had me worn out. Xanax. And...no late night snacking!
Fitness: Zippo.
Smoking: Day 11. Same today, peaks are a minor annoyance and pass fairly quickly.
Wellbutrin: Yes.
"Me" things: Got my watch battery replaced; talked to the car detail place. Declined to take my UK people out to dinner as I'd been in the office for 12 straight hours and needed a bit of a break tonight with our early presentation in the morning. It is 8:30, I've had dinner, I'm going to read Infinite Jest for a bit and try to be asleep by 10:00.
Emotional: Day was hectic, but stress level was down a bit. In part because I awoke on top of my game and got early got the presentation done...and forced myself to not waste time editing and editing it to perfection. As validation, my boss looked at it later and said it was right on the mark, well done, and thanked me for taking the initiative to pull together this interactive presentation tomorrow (which I really did as a chance to toot our own horns). I'm also starting to see the light on my calendar where I don't have so very many meetings next week and may just be able to get the workload back under control.
I also enjoyed working 4-hours on Germany project with my UK-based analyst in the same room. It was so much more effective. Even though he is going to end up reworking a substantial analysis and presentation, and backtrack a bit with the project team, my insight and guidance led us to a conclusion that there is $300,000 bottom line increase we can get easily just in one small aspect of the project. Implementable by July 1. I'm good at what I do, but more than that also I really enjoy these times when we get to brainstorm and collaborate and really make something good happen as a team...the great "aha!" moments when we high-five each other and know that we've got something that will put us on the map at the company's highest levels. Huaaaah!
Drinking: Nope. No exercise, no treats.
Last edited on 30 March 2011 01:25 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 30 March 2011 02:22 am |
|
Calculations, Calculations, Calculations (Thank You Peter!)
BMR & RMR Results: BMR 1,361 RMR 1,253
Factor Category Definition RMR
1.2 Sedentary Little or no exercise and desk job 1,504
1.375 Lightly Active Light exercise or sports 1-3 days a week 1,723
1.55 Moderately Active Moderate exercise or sports 3-5 days a week 1,942
CW GW Loss DailyCalorieDeficit Time toReach GoalWeight
141 133 8 lb 467 2 mo 0 dy
141 128 13 lb 758 2 mo 0 dy
Activity RMR Deficit 467 Deficit 758
Sedentary 1504: 1037 746
Lightly 1723: 1256 977
Moderately 1943: 1476 1185
The tale of the tape: Since I find it difficult to get by on much less than 1200, with light exercise I could lose 8 pounds in 8 weeks (or, should I workout significantly more, up to 13 pounds in 8 weeks). If I don't exercise at all, I'd have to consume only 1037 per day to lose 8 pounds in 8 weeks - not realistic. (If I work out I'll also end up building muscle, I may need to temper the loss a pound or two.)
I'm still going to set myself a fairly aggressive goal of 133 by May 31. I'll set my daily intake at 1200 (the occasional high day will average things closer to 1256) and I will need to get in a light workout 1-3 days per week. Everything on top of that will just be a bonus.
This seems realistic and achievable, if I buckle down and focus.
Last edited on 30 March 2011 02:57 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 30 March 2011 02:58 am |
|
| ...but tonight...sleeeeeeeep.
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 March 2011 06:55 am |
|
You're on roll, Mol. Keep it going!
On the whole addiction/functioning alcoholism thing - I'm obviously not an expert, and someone such as Nir who attends to AA meetings on a regular basis clearly knows far more about that affliction than I ever will. In my defense, i've never had to deal with it directly, although at one point after some prolonged partying I was once accused of having alcoholic tendencies. I settled down quite a bit, once I got married. Last edited on 30 March 2011 07:00 am by jackbenimble
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 31 March 2011 01:28 am |
|
I caved last night after I couldn't sleep and went for a late night snack of a rather large amount of hummus and scoops and a swig of chocolate syrup (440). Revised total: 1507IN.
Furthermore, at the group luncheon today, I got a big brownie wrapped in saran wrap since it was free, thinking I'd take it home and give it to Toolboy. I got back in my office and next thing you know, without thinking very much about it, into my mouth it went...most of it anyway. At least I'm now at home after work, putting the damage into the counter so I can figure out how many (if any) calories I can still consume today.
******************************************************
Today's Getting Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: Next weigh in Thursday.
Calories: Total: 1040IN. (1200 target). I could have eaten nothing for dinner to balance out for yesterday; however, felt that a bit of something light would help stave off grazing. If I stick with this, I'll be pleased. Counting First really works!
Sleep: Well, I couldn't fall asleep last night and then the late night snacking probably didn't help. I was checking a bit for Jason, actually. Besides that, I really didn't settle down with my book until 10:00. Combination of doing the above intake/exercise calculations, texting with PAG etc. Full dose of Xanas required, slept about 12:00 until 5:45 with 1-2 wakeups. Will try to do better night.
Fitness: Zippo. Not even trying to pretend. This week is just brutal, the weather is still terrible, and I take some solace in the fact that I'm getting back on track in a lot of other ways.
Smoking: Day 12. Mostly same today; only craving was after work, it was more intense than I'd like but not bad enough to crack me.
Wellbutrin: Yes.
"Me" things: Talked w/Dad on way home from office. Planning to read.
Emotional: Hectic hectic hectic but glad that some things are resolving, moving forward, coming to conclusion as far as a contract issue which has been going on for a year, today's presentation, tomorrow being the last day the UK analysts are here. Having them here HAS been stressful and there's a lot we need to accomplish but by the end of the day tomorrow we'll have accomplish what we humanly can - it will need to be enough.
Something else occurred at work...at the end of the day my boss informed us that a new CFO has been selected, I thought someone internal (possibly my boss) would get the nod to replace the outgoing CFO, but no, they've gone outside to a guy who retired from another company. A company I don't have a lot of respect for, it is a good old boys club and most people from there prove to be short on ethics and long on politics. Tormentor is from there, and my old boss, and the current President of our company, and an Ops VP and a few others I don't fully trust...and they all apparently know this guy. I'm hoping to be fair and open and take him at face value, but in truth I'm sick to my stomach. We don't need another good old boy "yes man" from their old network. We need someone solid, ethical, competent, able to relate to people...like the outgoing CFO. Combine that with the fact that our much beloved and very people-friendly CEO is retiring in May...suddenly the top managment profile of our little privately-held company is set to morph into something ugly. Combine that with the fact that I have to start over and prove myself - again - to someone new, someone from the outside - someone who may have friend(s) they want to put into my job...well...the whole situation sucks. And he starts in 2 weeks.
It made me feel a couple of things. First, just another reason to want to get out of there, before it gets ugly and ruins how I feel about my day-to-day environment and the standards I have for myself professionally and ethically. Another warning sign to take control of my own destiny and make my life want I want it to be. I also felt certain that now that I won't move to Europe. With my favorite/trusted VP coming back here to the States, and this uncertainty in my direct reporting organization, I really don't want to go over and then get stuck there where I'm not wired in to what is going on at corporate.
Maybe I'll rethink/feel differently about it with more time to ponder, but that is where I am at. Mostly, I just feel tired, and not wanting to deal with it. I just want to do my job, be good at what I do; I just want things to normalize, and getting this thrown into the mix is just another freaking complication which will drain me. I'm not political. I'm not a hob-nobber and I sure as #%@&! will never be, ever, in my entire life, part of the "Good Old Boy" network. First, I lack the proper equipment. Second, I value people by the quality of their work and what they bring to the table, not people who get ahead by bsing and taking credit for things and manipulating and hiding things. I'm too honest and straightforward. If I thought it was bad....it is apparent to me now, it is going to get worse. This guy was hand-picked, and the message is clear...he's never actually BEEN a CFO from what I'm told...only a General Manager...good grief!
I feel pretty calm about it right now though. I mean, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except accept it as fact, and try to get on with taking care of my own life and priorities.
Drinking: Nope. No exercise, no treats.
Last edited on 31 March 2011 01:51 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 31 March 2011 03:21 am |
|
I just went on a binge that I'm not sure is even over yet.
5 triscuits & hunk of jalapeno pepper cheese (150)
then
chunk chicken sandwich: 12-grain bread, lmw, grated romano (250)
and
walkers cheese & onion crisps (130)
= 530.
I'm always so weak/vulnerable at this time of night...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 31 March 2011 11:46 pm |
|
I shouldn't be surprised that I was hitting the snooze today after that late night binge. Think I got around 6 hours and may have woken up - not sure. But surely wasn't rested. It was another crazy day...but I think the peak...the minute the UK analysts left at the end of the day I finally took a minute, relaxed, and spent about 10 minutes talking with some of the US team. I received feedback that they had high opinions of my UK-based team, and also that the presentation we gave yesterday was very informative. Mission accomplished there. I expect to solicit/receive other feedback soon. Also had a surprising good meeting today with the woman who runs our business in Denmark and Norway...a very strong, capable woman; I thought she was new to the company but it turns out she has 5 years under her belt. It was very informative, very good.
It wasn't a good food day either. Juice added to breakfast; chips added to lunch and leftover deep pan pizza consumed. And I still have steak dinner with Steve. I feel a bit agitated, on the rocketship right now. Adrift, sort of buzzing along on adrenaline and emotion and not in the best place to think clearly or make decisions.
I haven't heard from Toolboy in a couple of days. I wondered how he'd be now that he has a texting phone and now I know...nothing's changed. I know he's working like mad and back in the gym and our schedules don't align where he can call, but he should drop me a line now and again. Tonight I have dinner with Coach Steve but my idea of going to visit Jason afterward isn't going to pan out - he has class late tonight and early tomorrow and is already exhausted. A little sad, because I miss just being together, but I completely get it.
I need to make up my mind what to tell Steve. I don't want this to be the last time I see him but I also don't think I'm ready right now to expand and invest further in a post-employer-funded relationship. So I'm going to log off, change clothes for dinner, and then try to decompress and think with a blank sheet of paper in front of me.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 03:29 am |
|
I'm back home after dinner w/Steve at a packed Argentinean steak house on Southport. 1.5 glasses of wine, bit of steak, salad, bit of mashed potatoes. Maybe 600-700? I'll split the difference and call it 650.
Anyway, I was quite energized and we talked about a lot of things; my company, a bit of my personal life, his upcoming vacation to Italy with wife Jessica, he just had his x5 bday on March 1, etc. My trepidation over the changing of the guard at the helm. And how it will become a political and not trustworthy environment and certainly not people friendly. He says a lot of people feel that way. I think we all feel that way for a reason. Although he tried to plant a seed that maybe I could eventually get promoted to a level of power where maybe I could influence the culture some day. Not sure I have it in me to take that on as my mission...not do I think I want to devote my life to doing that.
Anyway, I was dressed so that I could go out after but some retarding factors brought me back home. First and foremost I was driving, and so buzzed emotionally that I don't trust myself to go out to the clubs and not drink. Second, Thursday's aren't a great night at #2 and PAG is not there; I couldn't get a hold of Chris; I don't think anyone is out and about. I'm starting to lose steam now...
I am really having a hard time not smoking today. I'm glad I didn't cave, but I don't understand why it is getting harder instead of easier. Guess it has something to do with how wound up I was especially later in the day.
From the comfort of my own couch,
Mol.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 12:31 pm |
|
Sigh. AFTER that last post I went and ate almost all the leftovers from the steakhouse and opened a bottle of wine (though I had less than 1/2 glass) AND had a bag of the Walker Crisps I brought home for SB. (900). I was soooooo exhausted and just crashed out on the couch. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know I'm worn out, and when I'm exhausted, I'm more vulnerable to be on the emotional rocketship and just sort of out of control.
I checked my phone and the last I heard from Toolboy was a text on Tuesday. I think the last time we spoke via phone was Monday evening. I CAN'T be in a committed relationship where the person is just simply absent, no matter how busy they are. I was texting back and forth with PAG again last night. There's such a contrast in the attentiveness, caring...maybe I'm just needy in that way.
It is not boding well for my emotional state right now. However I am working from home today and have an overwhelming amount of things to take care of so I'll probably just bury my emotions in keeping busy.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 02:15 pm |
|
Well - at least I'm not hungry this morning!!  
Some coffee, time to wake up, connecting with a few people and the realization that more than anything I just need to get out of the chaos and get a mani-pedi have put me into a better mood. Time to go back and take inventory on yesterday...
******************************************************
Yesterday's Gut-Busting Get Healthy(?) Scorecard:
Weight: I forgot to weigh in and will do it today at usual time.
Calories: Total: 2989IN (target: 1200).
Sleep: Xanax...maybe 6 hours...vague dreams..not refreshed, hitting snooze in the AM.
Fitness: Zippo.
Smoking: Day 13. The emotional intensity and excitement and fatigue combined to set up some pretty strong cravings, all that saved me was the knowledge that I'd made it 13 days and didn't want to throw that effort away.
Wellbutrin: Yes.
"Me" things: Enjoyed dinner with Steve at an Argentinean steakhouse; shared a few personal things...didn't make it out to any club/bar, but sleep was probably more important anyway.
Emotional: Think I've sufficiently covered this.
Drinking: 1.5+.5 glasses of wine = 2.0. I didn't go directly out because I was driving and was feeling that agitation/compulsion to medicate; after getting home, tiredness took over. If I'd have gone out (in a taxi) I think I was perfectly primed to go on a binge. Just saying, cause I'm really trying to be aware of this connection.
Last edited on 1 April 2011 02:46 pm by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 02:51 pm |
|
It's Day 14!!!! 
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 06:47 pm |
|
So. I have to say I wonder if being back on the W steadily for a few weeks now is messing with my emotional state too. I'm still agitated, tired, in fact drowsy. I''m working on transferring files to my new computer after a trip to Best Buy to purchase a SATA hard drive enclosure (newer type) as my old laptop power supply is totally dead and I still need to recover some files from the HD.
Anyway, Toolboy doesn't even know that I'm home today. He's probably up by now, and heading over to the health club before heading to work tonight. Or maybe he has another interview. I am certain that he doesn't think anything is wrong whatsoever. That he'd be surprised to learn how upset I feel at his lack of communication/contact. I think he in a way is like me only worse; he becomes so engrossed and focused in whatever is going on that he forgets about everyone/anything else. Still, apparently that is not what I need.
Accordingly, I reached out to Jason, and when I didn't hear back after a couple of hours, I responded affirmatively to Shred's invitation to get together. I know I'm sunk. At the same time, I know I will get what I need, what I am missing right now. Male attention, physical closeness, and an opportunity to bare what's going on inside of me emotionally. He will know for sure after he concludes a conference call with a client which begins at 2PM.
Finished copying over my photos and now working on my ITunes library. It is 72GB this is going to take a while.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 1 April 2011 08:46 pm |
|
Things are a bit surreal. In addition to getting a confirmation back from Jason (in between work and class) that he needs some alone time this evening, I got a call from the office which prompted me to check email...an emergency conference call was scheduled.
As it turns out the same a*hole customer (whose name begins with A, lest I forget), has once again rejected a proposal - the first time they didn't want to commit anything but wanted a better price; so we gave them an uncommitted proposal at a comensurate price, the best we felt we could do; and they don't like that either. The user group within this customer has universally selected our company as the preferred company and the decision makers are being completely transactional. It is a very large customer and the sales rep, who has been undergoing breast cancer treatment was nearly exploding in tears, lobbying for us to save the deal.
So we already had one emergency call and another is scheduled for 4:30 today.
Toolboy starts work at 5. Haven't heard from him.
Shred wants to cook dinner on the grill and have some wine...he full well knows the art of seduction...I told him I'm too full from eating almost a pound of cow last night!! 
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 2 April 2011 03:20 am |
|
MM, congrats on battling the cigarrettes. You have weathered the first real storm. There are more coming, but just don't give in, no matter what!
Too bad about Toolboy - he's like me, not good at keeping in touch with people, I'd wager. You need a situation where you guys are more synced up on your schedules.
Last edited on 3 April 2011 02:59 pm by jackbenimble
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 06:42 am |
|
I was surprised a little while ago to find that it was 12:30 Saturday night/Sunday morning. I'm surely going to stay in for the evening; will make myself something to eat and finish recapping events here before trying to go to sleep.
Scene 1
Friday I finally arrived at Shred's around 8PM; he is temporarily squatting at friend's place - she was out of town for the weekend - before he goes out to LA. I hadn't been aware that he'd only been in his last apartment 4 months and then out with his brother in the quad cities for 6 months or so after he got evicted - the person he was subletting from was not giving the money to the landlord. He's been back in town for about 6 weeks now, tying up loose ends and getting financing squared away for the film project in L.A. He says it will take about 3 months during which he will decide whether to move there permanently.
He had made dinner but due to my lateness in arriving the chicken had dried out a little; the couscous was good. Red wine, 2 bottles, I probably had about 4 glasses. It was pretty comfortable between us from the start. He is still smoking but thankfully was good about not offering or sharing. We had some couch time and watched a few episodes of Dr. Who and fooled around a bit.
Around 12:30AM, my phone rang. Then immediately, it rang again. And a third time. I figured it was Toolboy, even though the timing was odd and he should be at work. I ignored it, five minutes passed, and it rang a fourth time. Shred went over to the patio dooway to catch a cigarette and I figured I'd better see who it was. I checked my phone.
Jason.
He'd been texting me too. So I rang him back to see what was up...but wasn't expecting him to say "I'm at your house."...dramatic pause...."You're at my house?" I echoed back to him in mock disbelief, eyebrows raised at Shred. "Well, actually, I'm IN your house," he said...dramatic pause.... "You're IN my house" I echoed again, eyebrows raised even further..."I jumped the back fence. You left your back door unlocked. You really should be more careful." I guessed (accurately it turned out) that he had been doing some drinking and wandering, as is his wont when his mind is dogging him. "Jason, I'm in the West Loop'. He paused while it sunk in, then said "Do you want me to leave?" Now I'd been wanting to see him, and we'd had such difficulties and I'd told him earlier in the day to let me know if he changed his mind about needing 'alone time'...so no, I really didn't want him to leave. And I did the rude thing, and begged my hosts forgiveness, and while I had mentioned Jason during the course of the evening's conversation, it still smacked of rudeness to end a date abruptly and go home because a man was in my house. But that's what I did. Shred didn't question and was cool about it walking me down to the corner and putting me in a cab. I offered to make up for it by hosting him for dinner and possible firepit at my house before he goes and he was very much in favor.
Scene 2
When I got back home, I found Jason prostrate on my couch, cringing when I saw he'd moved my new laptop and the delicate old hard drive still connected via USB like some cat hanging by its tail. Then a huge wet spot on the carpet and on the couch, where he'd knocked over the substantive remains of the morning's "giant mug of Starbucks". I towered over him and firmly called his name, jolting him awake. He reached for me and so I sat down and we talked a bit about how he had gotten there...then migrated to my room.
Hence commenced the complete loss of track of time, which is not abnormal when we are together. I think we both kept waking up sporadically...there were some terrific moments this morning where we just talked...he wants badly to get out of the city and see the stars...the fact that he is jealous of all my travelling...talking about places we've been/seen (Bruges is a particular favorite of his, I've never made it there yet). He had me cracking up so hard about Dutch, in all its many-consonanted and harsh-gutted glory; how after hearing it for two weeks while there on a project, he was so glad to take the train to France - and hear French, blessed French - he didn't understand a word but it was a relief to his ears. His dismay over the recent shootings of protestors in Saudi Arabia and the destruction of P---- Square. He remembers it well, and to think that it is gone, destroyed...of Guatemala, another place he's thought about going back to just to get away - he lived there with a roommate for quite a bit of time, and told the story of the busjackers who shot the driver and robbed everyone - only to be caught by an angry mob in the next town and hung and burned alive...in part, because the people there don't trust the authorities to do the right thing. His one roommate and lifelong friend, whom he lived with prior to his current apartment, is engaged to a girl from Guatemala and she is expected to arrive here in Chicago soon...His updates from a difficult week - his dad's father is hospitalized with dimentia and they are not sure if he will be coming back out; his mom's mother died of the same/related causes last year...he had spoken earlier Friday evening to an old friend whose bandmate just committed suicide, dredging up a lot of old, difficult memories...his cousin, who is in his early 20's, wants to come to Chicago and live with him for a time to get away from his mother and is calling him frequently. On Monday, he cancelled his English class to go see Godspeed at the Vic. He still hasn't finished up the video from the show in Minneapolis, it's probably at least 1/2 day project including the fact that he needs to install the software onto the stuio space's computer...it just hasn't been a priority. He has two musical projects going on now...and there's significant interest in his last band's work, though the singer is in Seattle now and Jason swear's they are not going to get back together. How he thinks he might be willing to go to a concert with me, depending on the band - while at the same time stating that he had avoided purchasing a ticket to see Arcade Fire/The National because he knew I would be there, saying "I wanted to give you your space".
In the course of the conversation I told him "You are my greatest weakness." I was surprised actually when he said that I was his, as well. I don't know what it is, why I have become goodness and temptation all rolled into one in his mind. But as we talked about the separation between where he compartmentalizes me, in his private life, away from even his closest friends...and how there are some things inside of him he just wants to keep for himself, that he doesn't want to share...whereas I seem to have an innate desire to be able to share everything, to have someone (s) know me and accept me for who I really am without hiding things constantly...the strain on me of hiding various aspects of my life from various people and not feeling like a whole, connected self...in the course of this dialog he talked about how he makes a strong effort to be wholly truthful and honest with me...the only person in his life who he feels like he is fully honest with; how he loves to tell white lies and bs people and how his oldest/best friends and bandmates will call him on it if he gets too outrageous.
And so we talked about going down the 'rabbit hole'...and not being able to come back, how that applies to so many things in life...you know you are perfectly capable of becoming a bad person, and what stops us...what if you just didn't care and did whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and to whom you wanted without fear of the consequences? Where would it stop? And could you ever come back? How he admits to having had dark thoughts about me...and how he wonders any more if he's fundamentally a good person which has slipped into some bad ways and habits from which he can recovered, or whether he's really just a bad person now. And what constitutes a bad person, anyway?
Around 3:30PM or so we snacked on a reasonably healthy assortment of apple, grape tomato, triscuits, cheese, pita chips...then he started talking about going home, I didn't want him to. I think, like me, while he didn't have anything particularly pressing at home, also wasn't in the moment enough to just want to lay there together...but I asked him to come lay down again for a little while, and that led to some other things and some more explorations til I think we were both emotionally exhausted and crashed back asleep....finally getting back up at 12:30AM.
I've made some linguine and had some dinner while typing. There may be more I want to capture but I'm getting drowsy and will have to come back later.
Last edited on 3 April 2011 05:21 pm by mollymoo24
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 03:02 pm |
|
You had quite an evening there, Mol. Jason has been around quite a bit recently. Shred sounds like a cool guy, that was the exact best way to react.
The best news is, yet another day non-smoking. Awesome!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 04:54 pm |
|
Scene Absentia
Well, having just sent off an email to Jason and having had breakfast, I sit here procrastinating a bit. Time has been marching by and while I cannot afford to waste the day today, I also am having a difficult time getting a plan of attack together.
One of the things I need to address is Toolboy. He finally texted me around 4PM Saturday, saying that he had the day off and asking what I was up to. He also called and left a voice message after 7PM asking what I was up to and saying that he was hoping to get together, and anotherlater at 9PM with a tone of increased urgency, saying "Let's get together!". after I'd turned my phone off. I owe him a return call but the prospect of doing what is necessary is a deterrent. Its clear that when I'm the focus, I'm the fixation, and when I'm not the focus, I'm completely out of his awareness. It is no wonder his long-term girlfriend ended up cheating on him, and no wonder why I am compeled to go elsewhere to get needs met. The sad thing is that I think he just doesn't get it, and it is something he's never going to be able to change. I just think to myself, gosh, if he has this ability to make be feel hurt and neglected, imagine how any kids of ours would end up feeling? He's not a bad person at all...he's just wired that way. The sins of his father are visited upon the son...much as he hates his parents, they've made him who he is.
My heart is breaking a little bit, if only for the shattered little fantasies I had for a while that he could be 'the one'. In spite of our different interests and tastes, we are compatible in a lot of ways...and maybe in the end I could have invested more time and effort into it and made it work. And I really thought that being with someone with more conservative values would be good for me, grounding. So whether it is him, or me, or both, there is something here which is not fulfilling me. In spite of my wanting this to be 'the one', for the searching to be over, to have someone solid whom I could partner with to chart out the course of my future life, to end all the little side distractions and devote myself completely to; apparently I am back to square one. And I need to get on with that charting on my own. Alone. It's probably the end of many future potential paths, if I think about it too much. The family thing being one. And just generally, the prospect of meeting someone dwindles dramatically with my limited free time and limited energy for going out and doing anything these days.
The tears finally just came. I don't want to be alone. But I don't want to cheat, I don't want to compromise my values, I don't want to be trapped, I don't want to suffocate. I want to be with someone with whom 1+1=3; where the combination of the two of us together begets something stronger than each of us alone. Where we bring out the best in each other and then some; where we build upon the strength of the other person's love to branch out and reach newer heights within our own selves. And I can't settle for something which is less than I deserve. And yet, I don't want to be alone.
I've said it before. Loneliness is my langoliers. I'm terrified and incapacitated when I think about being alone for the rest of my life. What does anything matter if nobody loves you?
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 06:28 pm |
|
As always, the only thing one can do is try to pull it together. I'm glad at least that I'm not hungover in any way, and did get some sleep.
Today's Get Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: Just going to wait until Monday's scheduled weigh-in.
Calories: Counting only what I have had since arising this morning: banana, 12-grain bread w/butter (160), pasta (150). I think that is all. Things are blended together with my late night dinner last night. +11 Triscuits (220) and some swiss cheese (150) (target: 1200).
Sleep: 2:30AM-8:30AM-10:00AM with numerous wakeups.
Fitness: Zippo. I have no excuse for not taking a walk as the temperature is mild out, but I'm still getting sorted.
Smoking: Day 16. Still occasional cravings, linked to emotionality, but every day which I get under my belt firms up my resolve more and more. I've come too far now for backslidings.
Wellbutrin: Yes. But I do want to note that I didn't have any - nor any caffeine - yesterday.
"Me" things: Some journaling. Sent a brief text to Toolboy indicating that when he didn't contact me all week I went ahead and made other plans. I should just call him directly but can't seem to work myself up to it. After I finish this, I'm going to make a to-do list for today to help me prioritize and focus.
Emotional: Intermittently numb and then emotional, for reasons described above. I can't bear to think of myself as alone again, that "aloneness" and my sense of self-worth are so tightly interwoven. Today is PAG's birthday and upon finding he had no plans, I offered to take him out to dinner. Will need to leave here no later than 6:45.
Drinking: None today...4 glasses of wine with Shred Friday evening as I was riding that particular wave of agitation/nervousness, and maybe a total of 1 yesterday in a few sips of some fine 30 y.o. Scotch while Jason was here. He on the other hand, consumed quite a large amount, and now the fine stuff is all gone.
Last edited on 3 April 2011 09:06 pm by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 06:44 pm |
|
Here are things I most urgently need to do:
House: Pick up Kitchen (done) Laundry (done) Blue Bedroom (done). Clean up coffee spill using spotlifter (done-and picked up closed where spotlifter was hiding).
Financial: Put Quicken on new computer; put in latest bill payments (done).
Shower & shave (done) and makeup (done)
Prepare myself mentally for the final goodbye conversation with Toolboy. He deserves sympathy and an explanation, not anger or silence. (we exchanged texts, i told him i know that we should talk but that I'm feeling emotional about things right now. his excuse for silence all week is that he was frustrated over his new phone and it froze at one point, which is pathetic because he could have borrowed his roommate's phone, or sent me an email or note through the networking site etc if he put any thought to it)
After the above, look over the week's priorities for work and determine prework which needs to be done tonight or when things can be scheduled. Leave for the burbs early; get out of the house and do the work in a coffee shop or something. (NOT done)
Go have a nice dinner with PAG, laugh, and smile a bit before the next workweek begins. (done. He's a good man, PAG, he is.)
Last edited on 4 April 2011 03:27 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 10:41 pm |
|
I just read the beginning few entries of this edition of my journal. In particular, on New Years' Eve the entry about Toolboy and not feeling that this relationship was ultimately right for me. Then, the issue was my holding back and then improving my own communication, sharing, and him responding...but noting that he was never going to be able to 'read me'. Well, i guess I saw it clearly enough then, and I might, later go back through all the entries about him and my feelings about him. Keeping a journal is very good for that sort of thing. Clearly though, dating him has turned into an emotional roller coaster and while I thought he was solid, and in ways he truly is, something about his communication patterns has the ability to send me shooting off in all directions. I've been in this relationship pattern before, and I know I can't continue to do it. Cosmic Meltdown Guy comes to mind, though he was truly a bad, manpulative person. Surely things with Jason too are this way, but the difference is that Jason has never once made the pretense to be my boyfriend, supposedly in love with me, wanting to start a family with me, etc.
I'm working on copying some more files onto the new machine, including my Quicken, while I type this. The spots seem to have come out of the carpet pretty well. I'm running a bit behind and having given any attention to work responsibilities yet. It may not happen until I get home...which at that point will strictly be to prioritize and schedule things.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 3 April 2011 11:23 pm |
|
Well, I am having a bit of difficulty getting the old version of Quicken to read my data file, so I have had to purchase the latest and am downloading it now. I rather figure I am going to be repurchasing/replacing a lot of software this time around.
I leave for dinner in about 10 minutes, well behind on my plans for the day. I'm feeling pretty emotionally agitated and craving a cigarette, though I don't think I will crack.
I just posted this on the networking site, though, a beautiful love song it its own right, though the line "you are my sweetest downfall" always has had an association for me with Jason:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 4 April 2011 02:32 am |
|
Strangely, A Week
I had a nice dinner with PAG at Outback (his choice) after I actually got there; didn't check the directions before I left and ended up overshooting it on the highway and having to call PAG twice to get myself to the restaurant. Having dinner together was pretty easy, nothing forced, nice conversation and catching up. He told me that last weekend, the doorman at #2 was keeping an eye on L the whole time and he was only there 5-10 minutes and then stormed out angrily. Unknown, but can be assumed that he either spotted me with PAG, someone noticed, or even just that one or both of us were there...in any event, more drama and it actually upset me that L is still having such a hard time coping...
It occurred to me only on the drive home that in the space of 7 days - Saturday to Saturday - I saw: Pitch, PAG, Toolboy, Shred, and Jason - in that order. All 5 of the men who have in some way comprised the ongoing "relationship" fabric of my life during the past 22 months. I think what draws me back to PAG is the constancy which he always demonstrated, and true caring and genuine concern for me. I'm not saying I'm even seriously entertaining getting back with him - but I'm just thankful for his friendship and also for what he is able to show me/remind me in terms of what I deserve out of a relationship. And thinking back, that constancy is what L offered, he never wavered, was always reliable, always made me feel like I was important...no wonder we just kind of blossomed into 'more than friends'.
Toolboy called while on my way to dinner and I let it ring to voice mail...he said something about having cleaned his room and found my movies and if I had any spare time he could come by and drop them off. It was a silly thing to say. I guess he's not at all figured out that I am in serious emotional distress over HIM or his lack of attentiveness...or perhaps he's just trying to pretend like he's not panicking...I don't know. I just can't talk to him tonight though.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 4 April 2011 04:25 am |
|
The National - Conversation 16
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEE0OGJUE-4
Shannon Wright - No Mercy for She
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDDf7r5lc58
Shannon Wright is quickly becoming a new favorite artist...she's not new, just new to me. The song I really wanted to post is "You'll be the death of me" but the album version is not on the tube.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 4 April 2011 04:25 am |
|
| Shred pinged me on the networking site before bed. I apologized again for bolting and thanked him for being cool about it and that tomorrow I'd have a better idea of my schedule. He asked me if there was a party going on when I got home Friday night and I answered "not exactly" and changed the subject. As we were chatting a massive storm came through - terrible lightning and thunder, hail, sheeting rain. Then realizing how late it was getting I told him I needed to go to bed...at which point he said "Of course you do. Could he smell me on you?" Oh dear. I just hung up and didn't respond. I know he likes to say things which provoke a reaction, amusing himself...but that was just unnecessary. Last edited on 4 April 2011 04:31 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 4 April 2011 10:38 pm |
|
I'm terribly emotional today. Home from work and desperate for a drink to relax. Maybe the scorecard will help me not have a total blowout.
Today's Get Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: 141.5 after dinner. Holding pretty much steady.
Calories: I went binging away last night but not looking back. Today: egg (80) toast (110). chicken breast on bun (130+150) and emotionally-driven potato chips (230) ham (60) swiss (75) bread (110) yellow rice (450) 1/2 g&diet t (60) = 1455IN (target: 1200). Actually considering how emotional I was, that's pretty good. Maybe it WAS a double dose of W today, that curbs the appetite.
Sleep: 12:00 - 5:30, Xanax, hit snooze a few times. Woke up at least once, checked for email from Jason. Unsurprisingly, nothing. Think that is also a key reason I didn't go to bed earlier.
Fitness: Zippo. It's 47 and though the rain has ended and it is not terrible out, it is grey, I'm grey, I don't care...
Smoking: Day 17. Still significant cravings linked to emotionality, and today I've been really emotional all day.
Wellbutrin: Yes. I might have taken it twice, I wasn't sure so around midday I took one.
"Me" things: I need a good cry. Maybe I'm PMSing?
Emotional: I was a grumpy b*tch when I walked in to the office and once immediately attacked with a hysterical "the sky is falling' I bit someone's head off and dropped the f-bomb. (I apologized later, but it was still a bad thing to do). I was determined to get things done in droves today, and was extremely rigid about my time allocation and giving orders then delegating the rest of the A** customer's project - which worked, actually. Most of the emotionality seems to be centered around Toolboy, getting the explanation together, coming to terms with what is going to be so difficult...especially because he won't "get it", that this is a pattern we've talked about before, and also because I don't really want to be alone again. And I did want to believe he was the one. It's so freaking hard.
Drinking: I went for a drink to relax but 1/2 g& diet t was it...that's all the gin I had in the house. The liquor cupboard here is nearly bare - which probably isn't such a bad thing.
Last edited on 5 April 2011 02:38 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 4 April 2011 10:40 pm |
|
| I just checked...I'm not PMS'ing...I don't think. Today is day 19.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 5 April 2011 02:52 am |
|
I hate the langoliers.
It has been dead silent all night.
No contact from anyone. I didn't reach out to anyone either, but I hate those nights when you feel you could drop off the grid and no one would miss you.
Kind of ironic that all my man-worlds came together at the same time, and yet I've not even heard from PAG today, not even hello. The solitude is good for me though, I know, I need to get refocused on my friends and sorting out what is important to me, genuine me.
*******************************************************************
On the plus side of things, I unplugged from worrying about work at all tonight. I got a lot of stuff done at the office today, and it feels the first night in ages I'm not simply shutting down numbly, sick with worry about 84 things urgently due tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I watched a movie on Netflix - Boondock Saints, I guess because I was thinking about Toolboy, and I never did really see the movie as I fell asleep. I also made yellow rice, and while it sounds silly, it felt good, that was the first thing I've made for dinner where I actually had to do more than heat things up in ages. Tasty too. Zatarains.
I'm far from emotionally in control right now and the though again occurs that perhaps the Wellbutrin is actually feeding the volatility. But I need to really sort through this and be OK. I need to finalize the decision in my mind and then move on and don't look back.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 5 April 2011 05:23 am |
|
Pinging
Finally the big buckets of tears came after I put the movie away, checked futilely for emails from Jason or activity on the networking site...the loneliness, what it will feel like without Toolboy...how between work and travel I've let most other social relationships fall to the wayside...how empty my life feels. How sad I am to have to walk away and wonder if I'll ever find anyone who fulfills all my needs, or if I am going to regret letting this one go without working a lot harder at it.
I know I'll get up tomorrow and go to work and feel better once I get there. I'll probably even reach out to a few people socially and make some plans.
It just, for now I really wish there was someone around to talk to, someone who knows me. I'm tempted to try Jason but he is likely in bed, and since he yet hasn't written back with his take on Saturday's time together, it is better to just wait. For a moment there I was freefalling and actually thought about calling a crisis line, just to hear a voice. Sad, Mol.
I was also reading my old journal entries back to September when Toolboy and I first started dating. This pattern has been here from the start and it is so sad...he has a lot of good points...has smart - he's handy - he's musical - he thinks I'm the one - he's never done anything to deliberately hurt me - his expressed intentions and desires have been constant. But he's just failing to meet my emotional needs; the need for communication, for sharing, for bonding. I realize he's been under a lot of stress lately with the long hours and all, but I suspect on some fundamental level either you do or you don't relate to people in that way. I have a need to open up; to share; to be supported, to feel loved and valued, and important to the person I am with. And I feel that we have that when we are together...but not when we are apart. And with my schedule, and his, it is even more important and when it doesn't happen, then my natural reaction if to fill that need elsewhere. Simple. I go pinging off to wherever I can get it. And Jason of course is my biggest weakness and most intimate sharer, the person I can tell anything and not be judged. My spending time this past weekend with Shred and Jason and PAG is all just seeking emotional intimacy to satisfy that need because Toolboy was emotionally absent. All 3 of these guys have known me for nearly 2 years now. This makes sense.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 5 April 2011 11:08 pm |
|
Well, I've been in emotional turmoil all day, pretty much; couldn't wake up this morning after 5 hours of sleep, went into the office late. Had kind of a lightish day, though instead of taking a 2-3 hours lunch as I could have, and had a drink or two as I wanted, no one could meet meet and I ended up just continuing to work on some things. At least it wasn't a frenetic pace, and I had time to think it out.
So....the emotions are making it difficult to come to terms with what really needs to be a rational, objective decision about Toolboy. I can't be with someone who sends me off pinging and I can't expect, based on the history, that things will ever be any different. And I suppose if I felt we were perfectly paired otherwise, maybe there would be more sense to keep trying?
---- Well, the flow of things was interrupted by none other than Michael, the man himself. I haven't talked to him since December and for him to ping me just now on the website is too much irony. The funny thing is though, it got my mind off things for a bit and I've come off the peak of emotional intensity I was feeling about ending things with Toolboy when I first got home from work. We mostly chatted about how Gothica is finally moving out, how he has become reclusive, he just feels angry and isolated all the time...but that it is fueling his art. He says that is how he used to be before Gothica dragged him out places. He can't meet anyone and pretty much feels like everyone in the scene is a liar (women) or full of drama. He is working 2 part time jobs making enough money to get by, but isn't going out at all any more. It always surprises me when I hear from him. It is a reaching out of sorts I guess. He doesn't mean anything other than just talk, as friends. Yet, there are still echoes of what I saw in him and still do, I can't understand why the man is so determined to be dissatisfied...or frankly, to lament that he can't find a relationship to me, who he I am sure knows thinks he is pretty special. Maybe it just makes him feel good to talk to me, strokes his ego or something.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 5 April 2011 11:21 pm |
|
You know...I hate to be stupid, but its entirely possible that the reason I hear from Shred and Michael at times such as these is that they see some of my posts on the networking site - in the current case, posts from last week and this are of some dark, mournful music and my photo is of a raven...even though I don't publicize who I am dating or what my relationship status is on the site, it's obvious to people who know me that something emotional is going on. And since I would talk about anything and everything else bothering me EXCEPT relationship troubles...well...yeah. Duh.
Well. It still makes me feel better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
I also got bday cards in the mail today from Dad and friend I. Those made me emotional too.
Well, if I am going to make anything productive of this evening in, of justifying being a hermit again, then I'd better get some sense of structure of what I want to talk/think about. I'm so aggravated I don't have MS Office on my new computer yet though, cause my 6/60 planner and goal lists and that aren't functional yet.
Which means, on the flip side, I have no access to any email history, texts, or offline journal entries right now. I can't imagine not preserving that stuff...but what is important out of all of it is what and who I am now, where those experiences have taken me, where I am at on my journey.
I hope and need to have a productive night.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 6 April 2011 12:31 am |
|
With trepidation I loaded Office 2002 onto my brand new, Windows 7 system...trusting in multiple internet posts which said it would run OK, with only a few bugs. For now, this is the best solution to get my needed docs up and running and so, wanting to work on my 6/60 planner I went for it. So far Excel is working great but what I am excited about was how many of my objectives I met for March. I didn't even recall that I'd written "stop smoking" as one of my goals. Many things, such as the UK analysts training/orientation week, and several signficant projects are either closed out or so far along there's not much left to do and not worthy of being on the list.
OK then! So...the fun part is ahead, seeing the months start to take better shape, being able to plan, thinking about travelling and possible fun things to do...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 6 April 2011 11:48 am |
|
I don't usually post in the morning and I have to get going to the office but last night I was reading on emotionally unavailable men and the women who love them...the push-pull relationship dynamics with the man controlling the pace, feelings of rejection, inadequacy...stemming from patterns/experiences learned earlier in life on the part of both individuals. I remembered about Women Who Love Too Much and how that led me back to realizing that my pattern of interacting with men stems primarily from my relationship with my father...and how I was having these realizations months ago but how I let work - and Toolboy get in the way of my focus on this area of myself.
I managed to get an appointment tomorrow with Dr. B after work, before I go to EF's for my birthday night 'girl talk' over dinner and a bottle of wine. I dont' seem to be capable of really imagining him out of my life...I've tried...I can't breathe...which of course means that the minute that I see him and he says something to make it all right, or to change or make an effort, that I'll just give in. I don't think it is realistic to expect him to be able to change and I don't think it is healthy for me to be on the roller coaster because look what happened. I went pinging all over and smashing things and became an emotional wreck. Some of the books say that couples counseling can improve things; others aren't that optimistic. I need Dr. B.
I also was thinking about the cast of characters and just how many of them fall into this category...to some degree. About the importance for me of steadiness, of constancy, and emotional availability; why I ended up with L, and then later, PAG. I thought Toolboy was rock steady too...but it turns out that he may just be one of these guys who lays on the intensity until they've got you secured....THEN the push-pull starts.
I'm wounded to be sure. I feel sad and awful and crying a lot. But I think I'm on the mark here.
And it goes to show again that there's something inside of me that is drawing me toward these guys over and over and over again.
Time to get my day started...this morning is going to be pretty high intensity.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 7 April 2011 03:49 am |
|
Take 2. Once again lost a post...still getting used to this touchy new mousepad/keyboard...
Pre-B-Day
While I was too busy today to think a lot about Toolboy, the sadness was still present and permeated my mood all day. I also realized that two important and time sensitive issues took up a lot of unplanned time I couldn't really afford to give to them - one, relating to Germany, where one of the locals is starting to mutiny; and the other, here in the US where my chief analyst was looking for some advice and direction on how to present information for a major negotiation and audit. The former, I should have made them wait; the latter, I should have told her to use her best judgement and be accountable for it...but I guess in her shoes I would have appreciated someone seasoned to brainstorm with...and so it goes...
I still haven't been able to come to grips with the idea of having Toolboy out of my life. I'm still so blinded by emotion that even when I am objective and rational, the concept won't stick. I can't wait to talk to Dr. B tomorrow. She'll give me an honest opinion with both barrels if I need it. I expect I will see him Saturday.
Anyways, sad forlorn little me didn't even start a major contract review due tomorrow because of the other things which cropped up...at 6:30 I got to the point where I was ready to start...and I was so tired...and sad...being the lonely lost workaholic Mol staying at the office the eve of my birthday...it was a bleak prospect; going home and working on the contract there was even bleaker; so I ended up taking it and going out for dinner at the A---- and made arrangements for PAG to meet me there for a birthday beer on his way to #2. It was a great idea. I made a lot of progress on the review, had dinner (a reuben and a salad), had 2 guinness, and a nice time talking with PAG. It made all the difference between me being at home, alone, sad, lonely, and in tears; and feeling that I'd struck a pretty good balance on this last day of being 41.
Yay for me.
And the bday wishes are starting to roll in on the networking site, which is nice to see. Goodbye 41...I don't know where you went, you were a blur...but you were a stepping stone to the good things that 42 will bring.
About the calories in that reuben, though.....
|
Hiker
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 7 April 2011 01:08 pm |
|
 Happy Birthday Molly, hope you have a great day.
|
Hisgal
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 7 April 2011 08:46 pm |
|
Happy Birthday, Mol!  
I've got bad news for you though..........birthdays don't slow down as you get older.
On the other hand, I like the experience and knowledge I have at 55.........didn't have that at 21........30..........40........or 50!
|
Nir
Senior Administrator
|
Posted: 7 April 2011 09:00 pm |
|
Some idle googling got me here http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7283155.stm
Happy Birthday
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 8 April 2011 03:39 am |
|
| Mol, 42 is the new 32, if you haven't heard. Happy Birthday, kid.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 8 April 2011 07:35 pm |
|
Hi, and thanks Hiker, Pat, Nir and Jack!!
It was a great birthday. Really good. It was the best thing in the world to take today off; go up to the hometown, have a nice dinner and couple of glasses of wine with EF, stay overnight at her house, girl talk....this morning, on spontaneous brainstorm, texted friend J who lives about 20 minutes away on the way back...she went in to work late and we had an hour and a half tete a tete over coffee at her house. I just love her I can just be absolutely me around her, with all my bumps and warts and flaws...she brings it out of me. EF to a large degree too. It felt good. I have the day off and went past a few old places including the "caboose park" we sometimes went to as children...it seemed so much larger then. Spent about an hour and a half in a Starbucks responding to all the bday greetings on the networking site and found a concert tonight I am getting a ticket for. I'm focused on me again, and getting in touch with myself...it feels so good, so right...strengthening...
I saw Dr. B after work yesterday and she did what I needed her to do - reaffirm that I can't be with Toolboy, in spite of, and because of, these very strong emotional responses I have when my emotional needs aren't being met...I had to give it a chance these last 6-7 months or so, and now I have my answer. I'm working on accepting it...she recommended that I NOT see him this weekend or I'll be drawn back into it, in my current state; and it was like a release when she said "you aren't under any obligation to see him this weekend; you aren't under any obligation to teach him, to tell him what he is doing wrong, to try to help him...with him lacking emotional empathy, do you really think he is sitting there having all these intense emotions over you?" He could have at least sent a happy birthday text or something and didn't...I'm still emotional about it but staying busy and keeping my mind on other things is working.
Nir, I enjoyed that link. I never read Hitchhikers Guide but you know I am fascinated with numbers and their meanings/associations, which are unique to the individual but it is still quite common...42 is the inverse of my favorite number 24...I could go on about squares and multiples and all that...it wouldn't surprise me for the author to really just have picked a number which resonated with him and said in his own mind that the answer to everything is simply whatever resonates within each of us....
I certainly think that is true. At least, it is fundamental to our happiness. Clearing away the smoke and the clutter and the emotions and clearly being able to identify and guide your life path toward what resonates, to be true to yourself....well, that's what 42 is all about for me. Thanks again.
It's going to be a good year. A growth year. A year of change. I feel it. It is spring. The winter is over. The time for stagnation is over. The time for truth and genuineness and being myself again has begun...
|
Hisgal
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 8 April 2011 10:27 pm |
|
Alright Mol! Go get 'em.................it's your year!
And I agree with Dr. B !!!! Emphatically! Sorry, but Toolboy treats you like you're in a 50 year stagnant marriage! Except that if you were married, you see each other more! Don't "settle" for someone who doesn't think the universe revolves around you! Make sure the next guy thinks you are as special to him, as he is to you!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 9 April 2011 10:26 pm |
|
It is Saturday, and I'm taking a little time to breathe and get an anxiety attack under control. It is entirely due to work - because of what is ahead in the next several days (the mutiny put Germany project put into a crisis Thurday morning, with an urgent team meeting on Monday to approve recommendations and then to be approved by the General Manager no later than on Thursday.) The write up is far from complete, the analysis a long way to go..it is going to make me and my team look unprofessional - I am going to need to spend my Sunday on it and cannot waste much more time on it because it is the critical week for the FG proposal in the US and that is also a massive, massive, undertaking.
Breathe.
Of course I have made things even worse for myself by not getting enough sleep and getting volunteered to host a party tonight.
Breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
So, backing up a step, Jax was able to go to the Cut Copy show with me last night. She drove, which was nice, as she needed to pick up Ian at the train station after work. I haven't seen her we think since October. We went to a nearby bar for dinner first. The show itself was amazing. Even in the balcony where we were, everyone was dancing. Incredible crowd vibe, postive energy, great music and lights, and of course having Jax's company was great. We both had the same idea afterward to drive out to Br------ where Ian works at a wine bar, and go pick him up rather than kill time waiting for him to finish and get on the train. It was fun, there was a decent 2-piece live act playing, Jax and I each had a glass of wine and Ian surprised me with a small piece of chocolate-covered cheesecake with a lit candle in it for my birthday. So wonderful. I thought they would be going home after and since they live very close to Jason I texted him thinking I could spend the night. It ended up that he was out walking though and had been drinking, but we had decided to head to my house for a nitecap and so after a stop at Walgreens, picked him up and the four of us went to my place. He was quiet as I figured he would be and after having a couple of glasses of wine I just put him to bed. But it was still the first time he's ever been introduced to any of my friends...Chris has seen him once or twice out and about but that's it.
Anyway, Chris was up in Wisconsin with his brother and it was HIS birthday so we all called him and hazed him and started hatching plans to try to get the whole old gang together tonight. Ian and Jax both love my den, affectionately known as the Pinewoods Lodge, and they really preferred to have a gathering here, so I agreed to it. It was a mistake. They stayed late last night (until 3) and I would imagine with more people tonight could go even later. I didn't get much sleep either, because once I finally made it to bed, I woke Jason up and he was in a rather fiesty mood....I am not sure what time we woke up this morning but it couldn't have been later than 8:30 or so...
Jason, tried to help me to let go of the anxiety, stress, brain constantly on alert (I'm high monitoring)...we spent a couple of hours(?) this morning building on a variety of techniques...it seems like a good hour was just breathing, his voice coaching me on focusing on relaxing each part of my body one by one, light touch, etc...it did help and for a time, all the things I wanted/needed to do today/tomorrow (get ready for party; what to do about Toolboy; the work and week ahead) were far in the distance, and in some particular moments, gone....afterward he shared two recorded songs from his 'secret project' (which is with someone named Josh, I learned) which may or may not finally reach the intended goal of an initial EP. The first was very good, the second needs some reworking; he then showed me, finally, video footage shot by his brother from his now-defunct (more or less) band's show in Minneapolis in late December. They looked and sounded so good. He also showed me, briefly, clip of his brother's band playing a gig at a bowling alley - it sounds corny but it was a cool setup and he said they had a lot of fun.
He could have probably spent more of the day here, but this is the second Saturday in a row where he was ready to go home when I wasn't. The dynamics between us have been inverted the past two weeks, where I seem to be the weaker, struggling one and he is taking on more of the caretaker, nurturing role. I'm not sure how he feels about it. I, on the other hand, welcome it. Today, I asked him not to worry about me and he said that he always worries about me. But I think that mostly in the past he was worried about hurting me emotionally, by not being able to give me what I need...now he seems a bit more in tune with how I am feeling. I didn't want him to leave last week and I really didn't want him to leave today, to the point where I got emotional and tears welled up; so we laid together for another spell, until it was just time. I think it was just because I knew the minute that he left, reality and all the anxiety and everything I am feeling would come crashing back in.
So anyway, I just realized I haven't taken my Wellbutrin all day so I am stopping to do that.
I'm going to get this freaking anxiety under control by figuring out what I need to do (Make a Plan) and then take action.
Crud. Toolboy just rang. I let it go to voice mail.
OK Mol.
Here's what I've tried to do for myself so far. I went to Starbucks. I went and got a mani/pedi. Then I went to the liquor store to get supplies for tonight. Then I got a major panic attack. But here's the deal Mol:
#1 - you don't need to drink tonight and you don't need to stay up late. Do you really need to host a party? Do you need to still stress go out and do more shopping or let people know if they want something to bring it? I have no - zero - food in the house. I still haven't picked up from last night/this morning and I haven't had a shower. I don't see how I can gracefully back out. But I will spend 30 minutes after this post picking up the house and thinking about my options. This could include giving the invitees a heads up that I am not up for a big night and offering to do a concert after-party next weekend instead.
#2 - tomorrow needs to be focus on Germany heavy and hard - no screwing off. Give yourself a maximum of 6 hours. 10-4. Git er done and the anxiety (relating to that) will hopefully abate. Hopefully.
#3 - Breathe.
#4. What to do about Toolboy? I know it is wrong to not call him, some form of communication, but my emotions and nerves are so edgy and difficult to manage right now...wait...breathe..
Eh, whatever. Time to get moving.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 12:29 am |
|
OK. I decided to approach the party thing like this. Certain things I wanted to do regardless, like hanging new string lights in the den, taking a shower, taking out the garbage, and lugging the firepit into the yard from the garage - all done. I figured what the heck - I'll make a firepit *for myself* tonight because I want one, and if people come over I'll ask them to bring something to eat or they can suffer with frozen pizza.
I did finally pick up the phone to call Toolboy - essentially planned to telll him what was up and I'm sorry we can't meet in person to talk about it this weekend because I can't afford to get that distraught. Phone in hand I got whammed with a big wave of emotion and crocodile tears...and haven't been able to call. So - I haven't put makeup on yet. (wry smile). I'll finish picking up the den and see how I am then.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 01:21 am |
|
Well...I did it...I called Toolboy and as expected he asked me on the phone for a clue what was going on, and then when I told him I had realized that I just couldn't date him because i'm really emotional and he is just not; he doesn't get me, we don't communicate like we need to, he can't see things from my point of view, and that it sets me off emotionally. He had a tone of surprise in his voice. I pointed out that emotionality and communication are things we've talked about before...he said 'well you can't expect me to change'...and I said no, I don't - but I've tried it for a while and it sets me off too much...then as expected he asked to get together to talk about it, tomorrow, and I said no and I wasn't sure when I'd be ok talking to him. So then he said well I guess I will call you then tomorrow - ok? silence...is that all right?...more silence...hello?...I finally said OK in the smallest little whisper and he hung up the phone.
It does make me sad, so very sad, I really had hopes for this relationship---indeed, as I told Dr. B, when we'd be hanging out, or shopping at Home Depot or whatever, it just simply seemed like we were so right for each other. So easy. But I have to believe that I'm doing the right thing...and it WILL get easier...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 03:45 am |
|
Pretty much an emotional mess, though it could be worse. I ate a whole thin crust pizza, but only cheese - 960 calories. I'm drinking diet soda (a rarity) instead of having drink(s). I've realized that my party guests, if they show, will not be getting here until roughly midnightish. I'm tired and would much rather go to sleep and have a productive day tomorrow.
At least I got some necessary things done around the house.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 07:39 am |
|
It ended up being too cold for a fire outside, I closed up the windows and settled in on the couch. The best possible outcome under the circumstances occurred...I let myself fall asleep before 12...I awoke to 2 phone calls and a text from Ian, indicating that both he and Jax were exhausted and just going home after he got off work, with apologies...we never heard from Chris and guessing having overdone it last night for his BDay he either didn't make it back to the city today, or made it back then crawled into bed. No worries...next weekend may work out much better anyway. And I'll be in better shape to get some real work done tomorrow.
Saturday's Get Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: Next weigh in: Monday.
Calories: Starbucks Chicken Panini, entire cheese pizza, 1 Mike's Hard Lemonade. 156 0IN. Maintenance-ish.
Sleep: 4-5 hours. Jason.
Fitness: Zippo. It was a decent day but I was in a constant state of readiness for company from about 8PM onward, and doing chores much of day.
Smoking: Cravings are virtually gone. Friday was 3 weeks! I will track for 1 more week then I get to take it off this list!
Wellbutrin: Yes.
"Me" things: Spent a few minutes at my Starbucks today for lunch, then got a mani pedi. Managed to luck out and spend time resting instead of partying all night tonight.
Emotional: Anxiety and panic attack over work and commitments exacerbated by an unplanned commitment to have a party and the need to communicate with Toolboy. It was terribly difficult to talk with Toolboy; my emotions were so strong that my brain went to pieces and I couldn't breathe. I was compelled to text him a short while later and apologize. A few crying jags and moments of extreme sadness but predominantly anxiety today.
Drinking: 1 Mike's Hard Lemonade. Expecting company was aactor in me not having anything else but I also just wasn't in the mood, too tired, and not wanting to do anything else stupid to my physical being.
It is day 24. I spotted a little on Friday but not Saturday.
I may be drowsy enough now to get back to sleep..
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 04:40 pm |
|
It is by far the nicest day so far this year - sunny, 80, mild breeze, birds chirping. I slept in late and am having coffee and breakfast before starting on the heavy lifting with the Germany presentation. I'm truly sorry I'm going to miss this day, it would be perfect for going to the woods and sitting on a blanket reading...but I'm in serious trouble if this Germany project doesn't come back on track and it has to happen now.
Today's Get Healthy Scorecard:
Weight: Next weigh in: Monday.
Calories: 3AM taco chips (80) Breakfast omelet w/cheddar and salsa (310) and most of 12-grain (100). Snack, chips w/salsa (100) Blue Moon beer (170). Soup (110) Sm. bit of baked potato w/ffsc (50) 920IN, 1200 target. Shorts put on barely fit. Fat bulges in butt thights and stomach are really noticeable now.
Sleep: 11:45-1:30-2:30 then up til 4:45-10:45. Over 8 hours total. Woke up feeling refreshed and caught up. I haven't slept in like that in a long time and needed it.
Fitness: Walked 1 mile to enjoy sun and breeze. Went back out and had another mile wander. = 2 Miles walking.
Smoking: No.
Wellbutrin: Yes. Once again, thanks to this checklist. It's good for something.
"Me" things: Sleeping in. Revolting and just doing what was minimally necessary w/Germany project. Getting outside in the fresh air until it got too windy. Reflective journaling in the moment.
Emotional: High anxiety linked to Germany, abated after I did what I was going to do and went for a walk and sat in sunshine. Emotional rocketship again worsened terribly over Toolboy, really bad. Pitch sensed something was wrong when I didn't answer his text earlier and called late evening. We had a good bare honest connected chat for the first time in a while...though I didn't tell him about Toolboy...I do need to tell him though, that wasn't a very good start to my genuineness.
Drinking: 1 Blue Moon started in afternoon, finished up with dinner.
Last edited on 11 April 2011 02:29 am by mollymoo24
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 10 April 2011 08:15 pm |
|
| Life goes on - but without smoking. Huge victory. Keep it going!
|
|
|
|
|
