Molly Moo's Diary - My Diary - Post Your Diary On-line - Individuals

Christine, thanks for your comments...some of those suggestions are actually in progress. And yeah, if I'd get off my duff and exercise, I'd feel better. It's pretty simple actually. But at least I'm on day 4 of no smoking, and did a good bit of walking the past couple of days that's a good start. :)

Jack and Zen - thank you for your Happy New Year wishes. 2011 was not a good year for me, but I feel that there is starting to be more of a direction and an acceptance that I need to give up on some things and move on. It is clearer in some cases than in others, but some clarity and movement is much better than none.

I think I need to start a new journal for 2012 and close the books on this one, but I have a few loose ends I think I want to capture here first.

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6301

Posted: 3 January 2012 01:21 am

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TB's Email

I wanted to post TB's email from the afternoon of New Years' Eve, but it didn't seem right to put it here verbatim. Still, it seems there is something fitting to document in the closing of my old journal what is hanging in the air with TB as I head into this New Year and the changes and decisions which I am finally starting to make...here are the main points of his message:

He says he does and always will love me, but there are factors in the way of us being together. These include: he needs to work on trusting me; he also needs for me to be more active, because he wants always to be attracted to me and if I let myself go, that goes away; he really wants to start a family ASAP and he's unsure of where I am in my life. And he felt that if he pushed me away, that maybe I could get on my way to pursuing whatever I want/need to do without him being a distraction.

None of that really came as a surprise. I felt all along that my weight gain and loss of toning and fitness was a turnoff; he'd told me early on in our relationship that fitness was very important to him. I think he was probably disappointed as the summer and then fall came and went and there just wasn't any improvement. The trust thing...well, I would need to better understand what is going on there but I also don't feel like I have been able to be completely open with him about some things, so he's probably right there too. And on me pursuing my own direction without him being a distraction - well yeah, who can really argue with that either? I mean...sigh...this is so dead on with what I thought could really be going on in his head.

There are a whole host of things I could say back to him and my own needs and expectations I would also express. I started drafting some thoughts but really am not there yet. I don't want to lose my emotional sobriety and serenity right now and don't feel like I am capable to decide whether I want to or whether we should try again. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and put some semblance of those pieces back together and get a game plan going, and then of course my priority is planning my exit from the corporate world. But it does beg the question, if we did get back together and decide to get going on the family thing...wouldn't it be better if I kept working so I would get maternity coverage AND paid leave time?

Well, I just have to keep working the puzzle pieces in order here...the answers are coming, the wave of change is coming, and I've got my surfboard out.

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Last edited on 3 January 2012 01:26 am by mollymoo24

mollymoo24
Distinguished Member

Joined:	30 December 2007
Location:	Chicago, USA
Posts:	6301

Posted: 3 January 2012 02:04 am

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A few 2011 closing stats and facts:

I weighed in when I got home from trip tonight (after dinner) which I will count as my final year-end weigh in of 142.5, reflecting a 2.5 pound gain for the year.

I haven't smoked in 4 days. I really hope the physical improvements will help my ability and motivation.

I can't recall the last time I did any toning whatsoever. I did some walking the past 2 days, probably close to 3 miles yesterday and around 4 today. Only a few traces remain of my bronchitis. I should be able to try to jog a little within the next couple of days.

I have done a bit better job of connecting with friends lately. I also did a good job of staying in the moment with S this weekend, keeping things in their proper places even when both TB emailed, and then Jason went crazy trying to get a hold of me around 6 this morning.

My depression and general mood have been better for about 2 weeks since going back on the antidepressant and since I got beyond the 6 week point after the split with TB (and perhaps not coincidentally, Jason went out of town for the holidays). In Boston, I was able to be fairly upbeat on the W and was not feeling anxious until the end of my vacation approached last night...I started having anxiety about going back to work and I couldn't fall asleep. But I am working on keeping things in the proper perspective, keeping the rocketship from taking off.

I'm really not drinking much lately...not using alcohol to "numb" or escape like I was.

I seem to be genuinely valuing "balance" and placing a priority on it in my life. I'm much more aware of and seeing "drama" for what it is (especially in other people honestly) but it is helping me be cognizant of who I can and can't have in my life, or how...and take a little bit more "care" to protect myself and my emotional state.

I think that's about "all she wrote" folks. A bit of a boring end, but you know, 2011, I'm "just not that in to you any more". Let's get on with the getting on.

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