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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 14 January 2011 03:14 am |
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More Forward Movement and Simplification
Coach Steve and I have talked numerous times over the past year of whether to end our coaching relationship - at least in an official (i.e. "company-funded") capacity, whether the duration of the coaching was raising questions about effectiveness and my progress. So tonight, it was finally clear to me, I think, that is just better to wrap it up - "offically" and then we can continue to evolve into a direct personal therapist type of relationship, which will permit me to be more open about personal things/factors which probably are relevant, but I just don't give him information about. Um...like my preoccupation with guys, Jason's late night visits, compulsively checking the internet, etc. I think we both expect it to take on a more clinical type of bent, which it probably needs to in order for me to continue to progress anyway. We're pretty comfortable with each other and right now it just 'feels' like I'm likely to get more from it that I need than from continuing with Dr. B...maybe I just need a change for more forward movement. And getting "the monkey" (i.e. the company) off my back will be one more thing out of the way.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 14 January 2011 06:44 am |
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| Uh oh. I crashed-hard without artificial assistance but have woken up at 1:30AM with SUCH a tummy upset! The crabcakes I had for dinner were awesome - and huge - but something's biting back. And I'm anxious about that stupid webcam interview - how stupid! If I don't get back to sleep I'm going to have bags under my eyes!
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 January 2011 12:02 am |
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I'll keep in mind your advice about follow up notes. I've always more or less known when I "aced" the interview. But, time they are a changin'.
Good luck with the hiring...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 15 January 2011 02:31 am |
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| OMG. Was that webcam interview this morning? Seems so long ago. Another frenetic 14-hour day. Just got home. Time for dinner, a tasty beverage, and sleep. Busy day tomorrow with the funeral, EF, more work, Toolboy, laundry, packing...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 15 January 2011 11:35 pm |
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Back from the hometown. The funeral service for Pitch's mom was absolutely lovely, perfect, a fitting tribute I sense that she would have liked. Pitch, not unexpectedly, held his poise while talking had a tough time playing and singing...he started out with the story behind the song, which I hadn't heard before. How he and his mom were on a roadtrip and he got tired of listening to her AM radio, so when they stopped he bought a cassette tape of Greg Almann and put it in and "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" was the first song to play. She recognized it and said "Oh, I like this song". I guess that they had talked about him playing this at her funeral...and so, he brought his old guitar, the one he learned on when he was 13 years old, and played and sang with barely controlled emotion. So touching. My eyes weren't quite dry; and I wasn't the only one.
Good news that I only have 1 load of laundry. Doing dishes. I have one "must do now" project for work which should take an hour. Then Toolboy will be over for a bit. Then packing I discussed at length my affairs with EF today and she mostly just listened...I'm not going to do anything tonight but while I am away I've got to make up my mind whether to breakup, or fully reinvest my best efforts in this...I know already but I just want to let the decision breathe and reexamine me reasons.
I'll have to write more later.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 16 January 2011 12:04 pm |
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Woke up an hour early so I have a little putzing time before packing goes into high-stress mode. I was too tired to pack (much) last night after another very full day on top of a crazy week. It's going to be quite a stretch for me to get into relaxation mode after this, but I must, it is the whole purpose of this trip. Well - combined with getting rid of my 3-week-old cough, and getting some exercise and respite outdoors.
Toolboy was an hour late coming over, which rather irritated me since I'd crammed to get everything done by 8 so we could have a 3-hour window. The reason of course was that he and his roommates were cleaning the apartment to sparkling for a combination bday party/art showing. But he didn't call and so after the frenzy just waiting for him to arrive, the tiredness caught up with me. We just listened to music and hung out and had couch time. But something was weird, maybe because we haven't seen each other in 5 days, maybe because of my distancing, maybe it was something in HIM, but he felt like a stranger. He's putting on weight so fast he's even starting to look different in his face and I was pretty honest in letting him know that he's no longer hiding it well.
I can't wait to get on this trip. Whether hardcopy journal or here, I'm hoping to get to get much more in touch with my feelings about - everything. To find some truths which I can use as operating principles going forward regarding Toolboy and Pitch and Jason. Truths about who I am now as a person, what is important to me, where I want to head, what I can let go of as secondary. What other line of work I might want to take on. How relationships and/or starting a family are influencing my decisions and how to separate that out from what other things I want for me.
I guess I'm going to go for now, because the relaxing mode really will only begin once I'm packed and ready to go...
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 January 2011 10:04 pm |
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| Molly, have a great trip and do try and relax some. This is your trip to Scottdale right? It will feel great to just get some sun and maybe finally really kick that cold or bug or whatever that has been keeping you down physically. Enjoy.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 17 January 2011 08:18 pm |
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Thanks Hiker! Yep, I'm in Scottsdale and trying to decompress. Relaxation is not coming easily and its going to take a couple of days I think. Unfortunately I'm only here for 4 days so I am considering trying to add on a few more. The cost is extreme...but who can put a price tag on health and wellness. There's no magic to hurrying back to Chicago other than money, I realize. I can do more studying and relaxing here than I ever could if I rush back to the city. So I can sort of rationalize it. Maybe. If I hurry up and do my taxes maybe I'll get the money back fast enough to cover it and never miss it. 
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 17 January 2011 09:52 pm |
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Hah! I'm riding the wave right now. I went to the front desk and first talk to the clerk I've befriended, then the manager walked up and I introduce myself as the guest that had inquired about broadband capabilities to conduct a webcam interview with the UK (they only have it in the meeting rooms which are all booked, so they couldn't help me). Anyway the computer was coming up with an exorbitant rate I really couldn't stomach and I was looking for something substantially less - which I know that they easily do when the resort is not booked up - anyway the manager went in the back and came out 5 minutes later with a rate about 33% lower than what I am paying for the first 4 nights. So - I took it. Then on top of that, the airlines wanted $400+ for changing my return but I was able to use air miles and got it for free!
It felt so right...I know this is a lot of money to most people (my total bill will exceed 2 grand before meals and drinks and all that) but I need this. I realized today that I'm putting so much pressure on myself because I have only 4 days here, which was a result of the initial sticker shock...plus I have some work commitments I am layering in while I'm here. It all made sense. I feel great. I work hard. I need this to be at my best...decompression, sunshine, exercise, being outdoors, getting away from the boys and all that comes with.
Now, that being said, in the back of my mind an idea has formed to invite Pitch to join me out there the last few days. He loves Scottsdale, He could probably use a getaway. My only other concern about extending was so that I could get home and be around if he needed company. Well...perhaps if he needs my company, he can come to me instead. I'm sure he has the air miles. I need to sit on it a little bit though, cause in spite of what it could lead to, I'm not sure that the timing is right. Still, we might not get a better opportunity...
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 18 January 2011 02:09 pm |
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| Scottsdale is worth every penny, Mol. It seems like only yesterday you booked it, wow time flies. Sounds like it was a lovely service for Pitch's mom.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 21 January 2011 04:06 am |
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Spirit Dance
I'm sitting fireside at my resort, extremely happy that I'm still here and not back home where the temp is supposed to get down to 0 (farenheit) and -20 wind chills overnight. The time has gone by far too fast and has been far less relaxing than I'd hoped. I worked a LOT the first few days, especially on Tues and Weds, and was very frustrated and nearly hysterical with panic over what is on my plate at work. I've selected a candidate in the UK but she's super high powered and I'm afraid I can't keep her busy - my boss thinks we can find things for her to work on. I sure hope so. The existing analyst in the UK I think is a bit concerned for his own footing...so I need to make sure he feels OK. I did get his input along the way and we talked about what this might mean for his next step career move....anyway I gotta stop thinking about it...
I have managed to get into a much more relaxed mode now, with virtually all the work stuff out of the way (duh its Thursday night) and having had the best hot stone massage in my life, a walk to Camelback mountain this afternoon, a walk into downtown tonight, and a sushi dinner at Ra. I wanted to eat well, and I think I ate wholesome but somehow think there was too much salt, and too many calories total in all that sushi.
Tomorrow I think I will head to the desert botanic garden and then perhaps my first-ever yoga lesson. It seems that new experiences are important right now and stimulate my feeling good. That, and exercise and fresh air.
The soundtrack album for this trip has turned out to be Beach House's Teen Dream. This afternoon though I was listening to Dead Can Dance (poolside, ironically) and hit upon this song which grabbed me. I grabbed the Ipod and saw that the song name is Yulunga (Spirit Dance). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SPaxspxXDw Hmm..cool name, sounded right for the moment. I was also visited by a bird at the same time...just a solo blackbird(?) which I playfully splashed away from the hottub while repeately listening to the song...only to see him come back again shortly thereafter and command my attention...imploringly...til I really noticed him...only then, did he fly off. It was interesting. Coincidence perhaps. But maybe not. If you see something there, it means something, even if it is only inside your own mind while you try to solve riddles...
I've been getting to bed on time, or downright early every night. Part forced by work with Europe, part with wanting to make the most of the daylight and sunshine here - I'm pretty happy about it. Tonight apparently will be no exception as it is 10PM locally and I'm really quite sleepy.
My period seems to be starting, guess it waited for me to relax. That's not uncommon at all.
Pitch obviously is not coming out here. I spoke with him just briefly tonight, he's working a lot and trying to stay busy but still sounded pretty low. He goes to Argentina next week so I guess I won't see him at all until he gets back. I think it is for the best, yet I do rather feel like I'm not giving him enough support. But then, part of what I'm trying to do while here, is to not make other people's problems my problem. I realized I do that a LOT. For example with Toolboy. I need to focus on me. Maybe it has been my way of deflecting the focus on myself, maybe because I didn't want to face some hard facts/truths/difficult choices. I sure hope that the next few days *without work* bring me more clarity.
Last edited on 21 January 2011 04:12 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 21 January 2011 01:41 pm |
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Journey to Peace
Holy cow. Today I awoke at 5:30. I am sleeping like a log out here, in my super comfy bed with fresh air and exercise. Sleep is a Very Good Thing. I enjoy awakening early and having plenty of time to just ease into the day with a cup of organic coffee.
It is too cold here to sit outside except in the peak of the day, which is a slight disappointment. But it seems lately I get cold very easily. I'm in the main lobby of the hotel, where in recognition of the chill temps the staff was instructed to light the fireplace during the day, and it is a cheery sight.
I have already done all possible w/r/t getting the paperwork in motion for my UK candidate, who will start on Feb 4. I admit, I panicked again this morning. I really have too much going on and am in survival mode and will be for some time. This is a repeat of last year, only worse, when my very first overseas analysis joined the company and I went into that 6-week survival mode - where my personal focus was narrowed to TOT - The One Thing, which was exercise - to keep myself on track to my goals and to manage stress. I'll be travelling quite a bit during Feb and I've got to make it all come together.
While I hate the fact that work consumes so much bandwidth, I have got to get a grip on what 'needs to be' in the weeks and months ahead, and find a way to make it happen. To push down/push back expectations to other people. To set the vision. To be the leader and not the doer. To teach, train, mentor, and help my people do their best to support me.
So it leads me to this point, now. On a vacation spending my valued time freaking out. To sit here and get a plan together. The only way I'm going to make it and get on top of the anxiety I am feeling is to lay out a workplan and expectations. To peel away that which can be delayed or delegated or maybe just isn't as important.
My personal goals and expectations are going to have to once again take a back seat. This disappoints me, as I wanted my time here to be about sorting through what is important and eliminating the clutter. In a way, perhaps this will force me to prioritize and/or make decisions.
Along this line, I had a message from Jason last night, I'd checked in with him a week ago and his very short, uninviting reply hurt a bit, but I decided that if he's not going to nurture a friendship type of status between us right now it is better not to communicate back. His message last night was more nurturing, inquiring about my trip etc. Still, it doesn't seem a priority any more. I don't have time and bandwidth in my life for people who don't give me back something equal to what I give them something meaningful, something worth having. He's just not able to give me any of that right now.
I wrote something in the hardcopy Book of Mol yesterday which is worth repeating. Right now, whether it is in boyfriends or friends or other relationships, I need, simply, to be with those with whom I am totally comfortable. With whom there are "no expectations". With a Jason or a Pitch, my bandwidth gets consumed about what 'could be' and it creates a certain amount of anxiety and emotion and thought around each and every interaction. I was thinking about and texting PAG, who I brought here to this special place last year, and how comfortable and easy that was. And how comfortable and easy it is with S and EF and SB. There aren't any anxieties or expectations. There's just us, whatever time we have together, it is easy. Simple. Important. And right. Being comfortable with myself involves being around people that I am most comfortable with. And in my heart, that means leaving behind those anxieties, that clutter that noise which permeates my life and my thoughts and my journal entries.
I just want to focus on being comfortable in my own skin again. Peace.
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50lbs2lose
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 January 2011 05:05 pm |
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PEACE. reminds me of a pottery friend of mine who is rather zennish,she says a lot,"peace in equals peace out"
Having many children and many rattling circumstances in each day I like to quote this to myself at least once a day
Sounds like you are having a relaxing time?
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 January 2011 05:24 am |
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Mol, I totally agree you can't bandwidth yourself up with people who make you anxious and nervous. Better to stay focused on yourself and your own priorities. You've got enough going on with work right now.
That Dead Can Dance tune is cool - exotic, mysterious. I liked it.Last edited on 22 January 2011 05:25 am by jackbenimble
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 22 January 2011 06:55 pm |
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Hi Cindy and Jack! Good to hear from you.
Cindy, I like your friend's quote very much. To me it means in order to give my best, I have to be at my best. And that's a place I'm trying to get back to. I am relaxing a bit, especially today. Thanks:)
Jack, I'm glad you liked the song. It is part of my journey now, where I am headed, what I am trying to move away from, in order to create space for myself to be at my best.
Today is my last complete day here, and I'm doing pretty well with it so far. In spite of an upset tummy I stuck with my resolve to go out and get exercise and sunshine early. I've just returned from a 3-hour excursion to Chapparal Park, which was a new discovery. Last night by the fire I was talking to a woman about where to buy bottled water cheaper...she pointed me down a street I'd never walked, away from the buzz of town and Camelback mountain...and my steps took me to discover a very large park with a lake, a long walking/exercise path, lots of kids fishing, baseball fields where little leaguers were playing, etc. On my 2nd loop around the park, I just kindof wandered to the lakefront where the kids were fishing, and an offhand inquiry and remarks to an onlooking woman sitting at a picnic table ("Are they catching anything") ("This reminds me of my childhood") led to an hour long discussion, sitting in the sunshine. She was a transplant from New Hampshire, here for 4 years, with 4 kids ranging from 5 to 18. It wasn't long before we were getting deep, talking about making radical changes and how we adapt much better to challenges and new conditions in life better than we ever could have thought. How you can overthink change and make yourself afraid and anxious. SHE brought up how you have to realize when you are giving more than you are getting from relationships and decide to let them go...later in the conversation it came out that she has fairly well determined to divorce her husband. How she's realized how selfish he is and how when she expresses her needs for help that he doesn't change and pitch in, he doesn't meet her halfway, if he really loved her, that he would care about the fact that she'll "losing it" and that she needs to get away from that in order to be strong, to take care of herself, to live her life in accordance with her needs. It reminded me so much of where I got to with L, the dependency, the inability to be a strong partner, to grow with me. It also reminded me of how I maybe have since become weak, how I haven't stood by the needs and principles which led me to "reboot" my life and move forward with whatever lay in store.
I can't help but think that it is 'one of those things' which was meant to be. The conversation I mean, meeting this stranger, inviting myself to join her for nearly an hour while we both talked about the need for forward movement, the "fear" which can derail one from doing so, the baggage that threatens to keep us from leading fulfilled lives.
I was tempted to get her name/contact info and stay in touch, but just decided to let it go, and sincerely wished her all the best. I mean, I don't live here, and it is doubtful we'd ever come in contact again. I think we both got something important from it though, and am grateful that the opportunity, my circumstances, and my mindset, led me to that moment of sharing which has brought me to a better state of mind.
Life is a weave of threads...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 22 January 2011 11:36 pm |
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It is going to be a very low key last night here, as my tummy (and related uckyness) is bad enough to preclude much activity. I didn't eat all day - no desire to - while I let "whatever" try to work itself out. Most likely I ate/drank something contaminated. :(
So I've just ordered room service hoping that chammomile citrus tea, crackers, and vanilla gelato (the only things they offer that I think I can consume right now) will result in an improvement. If so maybe I will go over to the main lobby for a while later for a change of scenery.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 23 January 2011 02:43 pm |
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As it turns out, spend the evening from 6:30 onward in bed...all in all something inside me is a bit sad that any moment of time here was wasted; on the other hand perhaps it doesn't matter. It is pretty clear that I know what I need to be doing. I need to get on with imagining trying on ideas, getting a 'sense' of what I might be able to do...pick a direction to start moving forward in, something which makes the 'leaving behind' all fit in a certain perspective.
Tears now. Maybe that's just the food poisoning talking. But I feel like I must be the only person on earth who doesn't have an answer for what they'd rather be doing. Everyone says if "If I won the lottery I'd do x". Or, my "dream job is Y". Maybe they want to climb a mountain or go white water rafting. I have a friend who wants to become a National Park Ranger. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want more than I can handle. I don't want expectations which have no reference point in reality or what is possible for one person. It is not that I don't want to work. I just want to work a more sane job. And screw Steve for telling me that I can't have it or that I should want to stick it out at my company if he truly believes that it is not possible. The ONLY THING I have ever told him I really wanted is to have a work/life balance. Maybe I give him too much credit, maybe he really HASN"T been listening to me. I don't know but ending our formal (company-funded at least) coaching relationship is a Very Good Thing.
So, I guess my parting thoughts (other than, please please let me make it home without having any "bathroom problems") is that a have a few hours yet of respite before I am back home in the hailstorm. I can do some free association, and just try to 'feel' what feels right. Somewhere inside of me there are wants and desires and dreams...I just need to learn how to let them come out.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 January 2011 12:18 am |
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Hey Mol,
I hope you feel better and get to that happy place mentally and emotionally. There is hope. I don't know what it is, but there is hope.
I've had an amazing insight since leaving my job. Before, I didn't want to commit myself to the job fully. I figured, it took enough time out of my life. Plus, I was doing work I didn't like, proposals.
Now that I'm on my own, I've dropped the distractions and am focused on learning some mobile programming skills for most of my waking hours. The fact that I'm working for myself, and it's work that I like, makes a difference.
The reason I bring this up is, though, even when you're an employee, if you're doing work that you like, and it pays well - could that be enough right there? Just focus on the job for a bit and let the social life sort itself out for a few weeks?Last edited on 24 January 2011 12:19 am by jackbenimble
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 25 January 2011 12:11 am |
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The Most Spectacular Girl In the Universe
Hmmmmm.
I'm in a pretty good place right now. Which is downright unexpected given the fact that it was first day back at work, and I didn't get everything done I needed to, and I need to work a few hours yet tonight on performance reviews.
Let's try to digest this.
1. I took Wellbutrin on Fri, Sat and Sun (but skipped today) but still could have built some up. Definitely noticed the tinnitus last night and it is still going.
2. My period came on Saturday and really took off Sunday and then started moderating today. It could be a hormone-cycle effect post-PMS. The anxiety last week about work could possibly have been exacerbated by PMS.
3. I feel pretty decent about my prioritizing with whom I am spending my time now, focusing on where I am getting back what I am giving. That is Toolboy, who made it clear last night how much he missed me, and reiterated exactly what his priorities are, what he thinks his timing is to get financially sorted, and be able to be there for me and "us" and that he knows that I won't be doing this high-powered job any more if and when we start a family. There is no doubt that he wants this to go all the way. He was thinking about all this all week while I was gone, and worrying about what was going through my mind while I was away. He asked about my trip and was concerned about how I am feeling physically and emotionally. Truthfully I told him everything that I thought about while I was gone and he met every concern head-on. Including everything I've thought about starting over, moving (or owning a condo in Arizona), stepping down in my career. He wants to do it together and he believes we can make it work from a timing perspective. He's starting his #2 choice job tomorrow while still hoping for an offer from #1. There's a resurgence of warmth and comfort and confidence I am feeling in our relationship which almost scares me in its strength. But perhaps it is also because I am letting other distractions fall by the wayside, including Pitch, who has seemingly distanced himself again (maybe I even provoked it by extending my vacation?).
[Along those lines, a certain amount of affection and appreciation and, well, feelings resurfaced for PAG while on this trip. He's still friendly and supportive and cares about me and is constant - and man - well - on some level, isn't that what we really need from people in our lives? Good man, PAG, he is. He actually was working at the airport but was unable to go on break while I was there, so we missed each other. But I really wanted to say hello...and see his smile...and wonderful eyes.]
4. Work. I had a limited number of things to do, and the permitted distractions which I did allow were relating to people. One of my managers coming in and needing to just talk about an experience on Friday which is troubling her. One of my other managers coming in and talking to her about her role and about the career development for one of her staff. NOTHING NEW came in. Not a single unreasonable demand or email or emergency which wasn't already on the docket. So...a sense of forward progress and a sense of providing leadership to my people again, the way I am supposed to.
5. Physically, I am pretty much recovered from my food poisoning episode. I didn't get enough sleep, due to Toolboy staying a bit late and then an errant phone dial from S at 5:15 woke me up early. Toolboy and I made a new 10PM curfew for weeknights. Also with his new job, and having access to the car, it sounds like we might have better flexibility for getting together now where he can come here, and I don't have to either pick him up or go to his place when I'm tired.
6. My day started off with a conversation with S on the way to work today. Bizarre to have girl talk at 7 in the morning but she was up and had free time and I returned her call while I was on my way to work. She validated my thinking about Pitch and she's known him for a lot longer and questions his stability in a relationship with anyone and whether he will ever get there. So she totally agrees with me putting him back where he deserves to be unless and until he comes forward more deliberately and consistently. Stupid boy. Doesn't he know he's losing out on the Most Spectacular Girl In The Universe? :D [That's a bit of an 'inside joke' as that is how I would jokingly refer to myself in my conversations with Jason when he couldn't commit to being in a relationship with me.]
So, yeah, I need to go back to work on those performance reviews in a few minutes but I'm really trying to understand the anatomy of a better mood and improved perspective. Especially after being utterly freaked out about my work ahead just a few short days ago. <<scratching head>>
Last edited on 25 January 2011 12:18 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 25 January 2011 02:44 am |
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Wow...burned hot for a couple of hours and now definitely ready to crash. Rather than do the performance reviews, I was in the mood for music, and played my turntables and danced around for about 30 minutes, then futzed around til I got my itunes working and am downloading the new Decemberists album and also most of the discography of the punk Band X. They do the greatest-version-ever of the song "Wild Thing":
The link of course:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x22aek_x-wild-thing_music
OK. Time to go to bed in the bed which I managed to do last night. I got a replacement copy of Infinite Jest delivered today (having accidentally left mine in AZ, lost under the pillows apparently, which is rather funny to happen to a 1000 page book)...so I can read in there...and soon will set up my Bose Ipod doc/stereo so I can listen to music in there too.
Just waiting for my downloads to finish so I can sync my Ipod and go to sleeeeeep.
Oh, Toolboy called and asked me to be his backup alarm for his first day of work tomorrow, since they had electrical problems at his apartment today and he doesn't trust his alarm to go off. It's sortof cute. I feel so domestic and "couply" doing stuff like that for each other. The way it should be. :)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 25 January 2011 11:36 am |
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The Ache Report
After a short pre-sleep stint after which I consumed food in bed though not hungry (W wearing off?) I did fall asleep at a reasonable hour.
My hip and my general abdomnial area have been uncomfortable, stiff, painfull, etc for the past few days. Dysfunctional. At first I thought it was just period related, though the stiffness is unusual and pain in my hip is also and not just in my back. Then, thinking about muscle stiffness while in AZ, even before the W, but then also calf muscle spasms after starting the W. Is this all hormonally related, symptoms which are worse now that the Gynefix is making my periods worse? Is it just cause I haven't done toning in a few months? I dont know. But last night I both took Ibuprofen and put a heat wrap on I was so uncomfortable. I tried to get it stretched out when I was doing the dancing-about stuff but it wasn't effective.
When I think about the muscle problems my mom had when she got older it frightens me. Especially when we're talking about starting a family, taking long motorcycle trips, snowboarding, etc. I can handle getting older and having aches and pains, but I've had muscle complaints for nearly two years now with no explanation. I wish doctors treated the 'whole you'. Your family physician stays away from gyne stuff and your gyne only treats whats going on in your uterus etc. No one is responsible it seems if your hormones might be causing havoc on the rest of your body. I need to get to the bottom of this before it gets worse, cause I don't want to end up like my mom if it is something progressive.
Frick. And I go back overseas in less than 2 weeks.
OK. This is not a cheery way to start my day. Think I'll hit the "reset" button, go take some more ibuprofen, get dressed and get on my way. I'm already a bit behind. Blah.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 25 January 2011 10:24 pm |
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Just a mood note.
I took a W this morning. Was feeling OK, looking forward to getting to the office and moving things along, but wanted to stay on the W if that is what is helping my mood right now. Was actually getting a lot done - and planning trips etc, getting organized, which was also helping...then things got a little out of control went I went to book my next trip to UK/Germany and snags erupted and I was running out of time before my dental appt. Travel office needed a copy of new passport. Travel office realizing that Germany won't let me in with less than 6 months to expiration. New passport needed for travel in 10 days. Finding out what to do, making appointment tomorrow, changing conference calls etc around...travel office calling back, ticketing fail, need new credit card...meantime I need to print tickets to take to passport office tomorrow. Need to get photos taken tonight and paperwork sorted. Off to dentist...didn't get peforrmance reviews even started...let people know what has arisen and I'll be out of office tomorrow to go to passport agency...then bolt for dentist.
The series of events triggered the Rocketship. It's like a manic episode - maybe these are manic episodes. I was a babbling brook at the dentist, darting in and out like a maniac, frenzied to get back to the city, prep house for Toolboy (garbage out, rotate dishes, pick up) now cleaned up, changed and time to throw on makeup for photos. The thing is, I'm all adrenaline. Focused. Laserlike. Intent. And it is not just stress...it's like stress combined with action, a mission.
I guess the last time like this was when my wallet got stolen. I need to look back and see if I'd restarted the W back then also. It's good to be stressed and take action though, rather than curled up in a ball feeling despair. That's for sure.
But in all this, driving home, the Longing for Jason came on strong. I wanted to call him, I wanted to be in his presence again, even tonight, even though I have plans to see Toolboy. And I was disappointed in no email from him and tempted to email him just to hear from him. Even though I know that is the wrong investment of my time. Is it because the intensity of the feelings that I had for him are just like the intensity of the feelings I'm now experiencing, they are echoes of the two? Does one beget the other? And is this feeling (which, frankly, I rather find enjoyable, though I know it can frequently lead to outcomes which I'd otherwise never have) a direct or indirect result of being back on the Wellbutrin? Or again, a post-PMS hormonal pendulum swing in the other direction?
I wish I had answers. Somehow when I see Dr. B or the meds Dr. there's no way to exactly recall all the details of these episodes or how long the last or how I felt or whatever. The only way I guess is to print out these descriptions and go back and chart with my periods and with the W and see if there's any kind of discernible pattern.
But, I do tend to think it is the W. Because the Rocketships are pretty rare anymore since I stopped (for the most part) taking the W.
And yeah, I typed all that really dang fast.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 26 January 2011 04:04 am |
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Another great night with Toolboy and if I didn't have such heavy job obligations I think I would welcome spending more time with him. As it is, I found myself neglecting my duties to work tonight and should probably check work email before bed, but I'm just spent. At least I'll get a head start on things in the morning since I don't have to commute.
He came here directly from "work" which actually, wasnt' just a probationary day like he thought...they are also doing a probationary day with another candidate on Saturday and then will make a hiring selection. So, nothing in the bag yet. He's counting on this or his #1 choice to pan out and while he seems fairly upbeat, it will be crushing if neither comes to fruition. He got paid for today but is still $400 short for rent. If they're late, the rent will increase significantly. I don't want to loan him that much money for sure and he doesn't want me to loan him the money, but the other guys can't cover him. [He really, really has a problem with taking a loan from his girlfriend.] I told him "no" immediately when he brought up the bathroom remodeling thing though; I'd thought about this in AZ and I'm just not going to pressure myself to do this when it is not an immediate priority for me (yay Mol!).
But anyway, we went and got passport photos taken, bought a bottle of wine, ordered some dinner, and enjoyed just being together, relaxing, holding, sharing, talking. I'm finding it is easier to be direct with him than I find it with other people...maybe the time we've spend together is just making it easier to communicate. I guess the more I see him, the more the edges of separation of our lives are blurring just a bit. I know its what he wants. I need to be much more sure that he is what I want, though, for the long haul. I kept PAG at arms length for a year, between seeing each other only once or twice a week, and then travelling out of the country. With Toolboy, we live much closer and now that he can drive up here it seems like he wants to get together every night. I don't know if I want that or not, just yet, just now. I have lots of other things I need to be doing...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 26 January 2011 11:33 pm |
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Stifling?
Today I went downtown and submitted for my new passport. Headed back to the house and was not very interested in getting to the work I needed to do. I got into the chocolate chips too. Then about 2PM I got more coffee, took a W, and got started on the work which most urgently needed to be done. 2 performance reviews, which I've just now finished. I find they take about 2 hours each. I don't know if that's normal, but that is how much time it takes me to read, reflect, write comments, and occasionally look back into emails to check a fact or confirm a prior discussion.
I have 4 more reviews to complete yet this evening, where I'm the "second level" supervisor and so those are just a quick read-through and light comments (mostly attaboys to help motivate folks and let them know I'm paying attention). Then, work on a business case to repurpose the vacancy left by Jane with a new role we are creating with the intent to offer it to an individual within the department as a development opportunity.
I'm tired. I guess I came here for temporary respite. I called Toolboy and told him that we can get together tomorrow because I have too much work to do tonight. He said..."I'm OK with that, as long as you're working and getting your sh*t done so we can relax and hang out together tomorrow." It was the way he said it, that I didn't like. It felt possessive, jealous, like I need a legitimate excuse to want to not spend time together. Me, I need a lot of alone time, and if he's going to want to be together all the time I'm not working, it's going to compromise me, who I am, and what I want to accomplish. Like reading, or studying, or working out, or listening to music, or keeping up with friends, or just...being for a while. Reflecting. Like I said, it was just the way he said it. And last night he proposed spending the entire weekend coccooned and naked together. And then combined with his behaviour on Sunday when I got home, how he was repeatedly following me from the den to the kitchen like a puppy dog when I was checking on pizza (which I commented on and he acknowledged) makes me wonder if he's getting possessive. Clingy. Like the more I let him get close, the more he's going to suffocate me. I guess time will tell. Maybe it is simply because he wants to get in as much time as possible before I go back out of the country for 10 days, but I think it is subconscious.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 26 January 2011 11:56 pm |
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John Lennon - Jealous Guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzhyKn1ThpU
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suenos
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 January 2011 12:35 am |
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hey Mol! Well, did it in bits and pieces but finally got all caught up on your new diary!
Interesting about your reaction to your boyfriend's comment (or what you perceived as the tone beneth the comment)... I've always been super quick to ditch guys when then got clingy (ugh) and/or possessive. Funny thing is, that's how I knew my guy was "the one"...cause I realized one day (in great shock actually), that while I still enjoyed (and needed) my own "me time" space, I had to have a daily dose of "together" time as well...like if more than a day went by without him being around, I just didn't feel complete or something.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 27 January 2011 03:27 am |
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suenos wrote: that's how I knew my guy was "the one"...cause I realized one day (in great shock actually), that while I still enjoyed (and needed) my own "me time" space, I had to have a daily dose of "together" time as well...like if more than a day went by without him being around, I just didn't feel complete or something.
Where's the "like" button? That just sounds right. Shocking as it was. 
Thanks for stopping by Suenos, always good to hear from you. I'm slowly falling into busy-work-day-then-order out/eat out trap with Toolboy (which I'd never do on my own, I'd just rummage turkey and a salad out of the fridge) and boy, it's getting to be a real problem because I'm not working out. Hoping the groundhog doesn't see his shadow and spring comes early this year so I can get my butt outdoors walking and jogging again!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 27 January 2011 04:40 am |
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Well I need to be honest. Ever since having those thoughts about Toolboy earlier I've been feeling emotional, sad, thinking that there's a reality here I am in denial about. I was exhausted hours ago and should have just quit working and gone to bed. Instead, I was weak and wrote an email to Jason (who was teaching class) and while he should have been home an hour ago I haven't heard from him. Talk about setting yourself up to go from bad to worse.
Then I kept myself up past bedtime updating Quicken and editing my retirement calculators...not because it needed to be done, but it was a bit soothing, but also was something to give me an excuse to stay on the computer and keep compulsively checking emails...which I've done ever since Jason should have been home. I know myself well enough now to know that I'll take Xanax to fall asleep but still wake up twice in the night and check email if I haven't heard back from him.
I also wrote a jovial email to Pitch, just on a friendly tone, company for while he's travelling.
I just wasted a chunk of time this evening, emotional bandwidth and precious sleep and thinking time, on 2 people who don't give me back what I need, what I want, what I deserve.
Weakness. Time for bed and tomorrow will be a new day.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 27 January 2011 10:33 pm |
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Eh. The Longing is still plaguing me. I've heard nothing of course. I didn't specifically say that I needed to hear from him last night, but if he was inclined to be responsive to my reaching, my feelings, he certainly would have sent a note back. More bandwidth Mol, just sitting here typing about it. Enough.
So, it was a short xanax-laden sleep night and I consequently couldn't get up on time. Had to start on the conference call w/Germany during the commute and finish from my office. One of the gals ran to get coffee for me cause I couldn't go down where I'd lose the signal...then she brought me a piece of sausage bread someone brought in. It was so good, I helped myself to 2 more pieces during the morning, then added a cookie. Lunch was usual chicken salad/salad bar, but pretty sure I've reached my calorie total for the day.
I don't have the good and the green in the house right now, which is bad. Going to AZ last week I didn't order Peapod, and now I'm skeptical about ordering only a weeks' worth of food before I go to Germany. I probably should or at least stop by the grocery store, else I'll fill up on mac and cheese or something. Blech. This is too much like 'the old days'; having a boyfriend who doesn't like salad and loves to eat out is a problem.
I need to buy a new computer. I go through laptops faster than most, I suspect, I just sortof toss them around, have them in the backyard by the firepit, spill things on them etc. I get a new one about once every two years. Toolboy was a bit critical, but I guess I just look at them as disposable. I use them in a way that suits me, then when they wear out and things start breaking, I have to get another. I've never been one to treat things delicately...phones...Ipod...even my SUV (I maintain it, but yeah it has dings and dents and scrapes). I dunno. I guess some people do, and some people don't. I don't.
Toolboy tonight. I need to get something done for work first. I really have a ton of things I need to do for me, but I just can't seem to get my list organized and things planned out with other 'things' taking up my mindspace.
Anyway, this was pretty helpful. I stopped thinking about Jason the entire time I was writing about other things. OK...on with some other distractions then!
Oh, and gawd I need to work out and burn off some of this stress!!!
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 January 2011 03:19 am |
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Hey Mols,
That W stuff - it sounds pretty good. Why was it again you didn't want to take it regularly? So you can experience life's sufferings to the fullest? (I'm just playin with ya :)
I hope there's some good news on Toolboy. Jason - I think he's gonna let you down in the end. I wish you could forget about him, somehow. But you already know that.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 29 January 2011 07:07 pm |
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Hi Jack. Yeah, regarding Jason and thanks. My friends and even my own mind tells me the same thing. So what is it about me that can't let go? I can see clearly that he made it to the brink of something more with me and it didn't feel right and so that should be that. Acceptance has never been my strong suit. It seems like the more I have to overcome obstacles to have something, the more I want it...just like how I make my life more difficult than it needs to be...because the "easy" things I guess I don't value as much...or I take for granted...or maybe they don't resonate in the same way.
********************************************************
So let's see. Thursday night I went down to Toolboy's for a couple of hours...we went and got a six pack and some take out food, then cuddled in his room...while I'd intended to go home at 10, I was quite sleepy, and not wanting to leave how comfortable I was feeling with him, and so I stayed overnight and got up for work at 5:30. We talked about my job situation and stress, and he helped me regain perspective that things are just tough right now because of all the HR issues and hiring and whatnot creating a lot of work, and it should settle down again in few months. All of a sudden, I felt the weight which was crushing me lift off, and I started to breathe again. I really appreciated him listening to my boring crud and caring and helping me work through it. It was a nice validation of maybe there being more to our relationship than I was originally getting. More signs of us intertwinging our lives. We were together last night also, went to a live music venue and saw a great guitarist (Antony something) and then spent the night at his place again. Today we were talking about each of our needs to have more structure to our time going forward, especially when he starts working; how working out needs to be a higher priority even though it will eat into our time together. Today we could have spent cozing but instead we're going to have about 6 hours apart to get some other stuff done, then get back together tonight.
I did loan him $400 for rent. It wasn't easy for either of us. I don't want to be loaning money to someone I'm dating. He doesn't want to take a loan from someone he's dating. Yet...it seemed like it was what needed to be done. If he doesn't get a job offer on Monday or Tuesday from one of his 2 "pending" prospects, then he's going to take a 2-3 week contract IT gig to get some cash coming in. If he doesn't make it happen, it's going to break the situation I think. We talked about it last night. About how when I was in AZ and thinking about the option of downshifting, of moving there, quitting my job for something less, or nothing for a while, and how I'd made myself a promise after L that I would only be with someone who could take care of me - not because I want someone to take care of me, but that I know that they were capable - and would, if something should happen. Also, I guess I just want the person to be resourceful and to make their dreams and goals come true. I believe that Toolboy IS resourceful and he's smart and capable, and I don't want there to be this artificial pressure on him to make a bad decision on a job or something, just because he's afraid of losing me....but I think circumstances are starting to create that pressure now anyway. It's just a fact. The holding pattern and wondering about our future and the one-way street of the money flow in this relationship are poised to become a real problem if something doesn't happen soon to change it. So, he is stressing out about it, I know, even though he's really good at presenting on the surface like he's all even-keeled about everything.
***************************************************
I had my follow up visit to the doctor and bloodwork drawn yesterday to see about the high iron. I realized that I didn't communicate effectively with him about my other symptoms and issues, except my eyelashes thinning out, which he was trying to blame on cosmetics or the aging process. I'm going to start taking vitamins once the test results are back and am sure I'm not going to screw up a baseline. Maybe folic acid will help.
Anyhow, I need to get some laundry going, color my hair, hopefully get my taxes started. I received my W-2 in the mail yesterday and was really dismayed at the amount of taxes I paid. I need a tax shelter/strategy badly. Just another reason to question why I work so hard - at the end of the day, the harder you work and the more stress you have and the more money you make, the government just takes a larger and larger chunk. It's pretty demotivating.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 January 2011 07:32 pm |
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Hey, I have a great tax strategy worked out. Lose your job. You will be amazed.
Actually, I was reading about a lawyer who formed some kind of s-corp, and paid himself as profit distribution, taking only a measly salary, which means no payroll tax. But, the IRS is getting after him.
Another good tax dodge is to work from overseas, as I'm planning on doing. Federal tax exempt, although you *still* have to pay the social security tax. Weren't you offered a job in England? How would that work?
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Toolboy. It's nice to have the IT gig as a fallback.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 29 January 2011 07:55 pm |
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OK I'm trying not to panic but hysteria is mounting. I can't find the memory stick that I took with on my trip...I know I worked on the files on the plane ride back...think it was in my work bag in the last day or 2...but it is not there now. I look to see if I tossed it with the other stuff on the coffee table when the cleaning lady came, but its not there. I looked in the SUV, it is not there either. Not in the couch. In addition to things like my to-do lists, it has electronic copies of my original CPH journal and some *detailed* offline journal entries and other things like text logs which are definitely not fit to be circulated...I'll die if it fell out at work and that stuff is read by anyone...shudder to think...trying not to panic...I was so stressed and disorganized this week I was just careless...careless...not thinking about what would happen if that ever got into the wrong hands...
Time to go systematically back through everything...then, the official freakout can begin.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 29 January 2011 08:26 pm |
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Relief. On the 3rd time, after systematically going through everything in a 15 foot radius, I found it perfectly nudged up in the seam of my work bag, in the pocket where I had it. That's 45 minutes of my life I'd rather not repeat. 
Now I'm curious to go through exactly what is on it to see how bad it would have been.
*********************************************************
On Being "Abnormal"
As I was searching though the thought crept into my mind that maybe my carelessness comes from a subconsious desire to 'out' myself though. I hide so much of who I am from people in my daily life because of work, or social acceptance, or whatever. It is difficult to have all these different lives, silos of me cordoned off. Like, the me at work. The me I am with Jason. With Toolboy. With Pitch. When I'm out at the clubs and with my club friends. When I'm with my girlfriends. There isn't just one "me". I don't think I'm that uncommon in that regard, most people have different aspects of themselves wax and wane according to circumstance. I think though I probably take it to a greater extreme then most. Hiding things = discontinuity = complexity = making my life more difficult than it needs to be.
For some reason, this experience is making me contemplate what it must be like for homosexual people who are 'in the closet'. Hiding who they really are, and seeking individuals and/or communities who they can be themselves among...and feeling happy there and like they belong...but doing it underground and having to hide it from their everyday life. People who are afraid they will lose support/acceptance of friends and family...of people they work with...maybe they are even married...church-going members...in the military...it just sucks. How can you ever be happy and well adjusted if you are always living in more than one universe. Separating out your life? Keeping friends from other friends...perhaps talking about them at arms length but never letting them intersect?
A bit to ponder. I know I've visited this topic before, and I know I need to be comfortable in my own skin again.
I should ask myself "what is the WORST that would happen"? Thats probably what they suggest to people who are in the closet? What would be the repercussions, and could you live with that? Because if you can get over the hump, suddenly, you can be free to be who you are, and people can like you or not like you, you cant change that, but at least they have a fair chance to get to know the real you, not just the side you want them to see, and decide for themselves. It would be so nice to not have any topic "off limits"...but even under the best of circumstances I think back to my conversations with Shred...now he's one who has a HUGE persona...and yet even he talks about the need to keep stuff closeted from what he'd call "normal" people. Or Pitch or Jason...their complex minds are so full and twisted with fantasies and dark realities that "normal" people wouldn't begin to comprehend or be OK with...and so we all stay prisoners of what is socially acceptable, what is normal...I guess the only people who can get away with being abnormal are artists and the fabulously wealthy.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 30 January 2011 08:52 pm |
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Becoming Friends
Toolboy and I had a fun, dorky night in last night. His roommate was invited over but didn't show so it was just us two. And he said he was in the mood for a board game, which I haven't done in a while. There were slim pickings in the den, a cheap magnetic travel chess set, Yatzee, backgammon...but then we got into the box which has my old 'puzzle' collection - or more exactly, original Rubik's Cubes, Rubik's revenge, Rubik's snake, the Missing Link, other puzzles and games and the like. That was fun and got the nostalgia machine running. That led to the original Star Wars figures coming out of the basement, and finally, the box of old family board games out of the basement. We ended up playing Life - the old version, not the new one - and it was hysterical how structured "Life" was - go to college start a business; get married; putting the little pink and blue pegs into the cars when you got married and had kids. We gave the spouses and kids stupid goofing around names, but it was sortof this undercurrent of well, yeah, maybe we'll be doing that for real some day. Naming kids. Buying life insurance. Betting on the stock market. I kept landing on stupid in-law things, like the relative who bequeaths you the shrunkenhead collection and you have to pay $10,000 to a museum to take it. It was a lot of fun and we played two games, cooked a deep dish pizza, and then turned on a movie at 2:30 (I just wanted to go to sleep and I promptly did).
This morning, we got up at a decent hour and had a nice long coffee and talk, then went to Home Depot for my new doorbell he's going to install and looked at the vanities for my bathroom and power tools. I swear, I felt like this could be us for 'real'. Like we could be married and just doing this stuff, working on 'our house', buying 'our tools', (OK, HIS tools), realizing 'our' dreams and projects. Last night, and during the talking this morning, as he listened and gave advice and ideas about the house, and we talked about his path forward with school and his dream to get his doctorate, and many other things I suddenly realized that we're becoming good friends. It scared me and felt good at the same time. I ended up dating L after we were friends first for a year, and L became my best friend.
PAG and I were good friends too, but I kept him at arms length because I could never see how he was ever really going to get ahead, to get to an independent existence (still living at home). I think he wanted to have a woman in his life, and he "loved" me and felt that I fulfilled him, but I don't think he really grasped what an adult relationship really required, a partnership with shared vision and mutual commitment to getting there. I don't think L really ever did either. Neither one of them was a fully realized, independent adult human being. And as much as I adore PAG, think he's an amazing and wonderfully generous human being, I think he's probably got a ways to go before he finally 'gets it' for himself. He's working on it. But he's still an overgrown child. Toolboy I think 'gets it' - I think it is fairly recent, he's a self-described late bloomer, but I think he does "get it" and he's ready.
At times I feel like I love Toolboy...I pretty much enjoy every minute we are together, and I'm even starting to miss him on the days we don't see each other. But I still haven't freed myself from other longings and desires. And until I can look him in the eye and tell him I love him (and ONLY him) and truly know that I'm committing myself to him, I'm still holding something back. And there's still the fact that while I fully believe he's capable of getting a good job and doing 'whatever it takes' to support us, it has yet to be proven out. And there are things about me that he doesn't really know much about yet, because they are difficult to talk about. So, things just need to continue on in their current train. We'll see each other Tuesday and Thursday this week, then Saturday before I leave.
On the topic of 'the other two' which plague me, Pitch and I will go to the Decemberists concert on Friday evening, probably dinner first and/or drinks at my place after. It will be a good test. But I think Pitch, as my friend S rightly observes, is so unable to commit to anything with anyone right now, that it will end up being a platonic and arms' length uncomfortable evening between two very similarly wired people. And as for Jason, my greatest weakness, there have been a few short exchanges in the past week...I can't seem to want to give him up, even now, and yet the stakes are becoming much greater. If I can only get through this extremely packed week and get on the plane without succombing to my deep-seated desires to carve out time to see him before I go...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 30 January 2011 09:58 pm |
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Parallels
Holy cr*p. I was thinking more about how I was 'just friends" with L for a year and trying to remember why, if I was seeing someone else, or hung up on someone, and how it was that we became more. And it struck like a lightning bolt. T. T was the guy I dated at the very end of college. I was a club dj and student...he was an air force firefighter stationed 15 miles or so away...we dated for a couple of months, then he was transferred overseas to England. A long-distance, but uncommitted, relationship ensued, and within 6 months of graduation I went for a 10-day visit which ended in tears at the end when I wanted a committment (exclusivity) and he said that he couldn't give it to me (long distance, other interests, etc). The interest and friendship (and longing on my part, there is that word again) and big phone bills kept up for another year until after he came back home to Oklahoma to be stationed there. We agreed I would come out for a visit, and while I really wanted to be with him, he didn't feel the same; more tears and we ended up parting ways for good. After graduation, and moving back home, I'd become a regular at "The Old Club" which is where I met and became friends with L. The week before I went to see T in Oklahoma, I'd been friends with L for a year, and went up to his house in MI for a weekend, and everyone else blew it off, so it was just the 2 of us, and finally, something happened between us. Then I got on the plane to Oklahoma, T broke my heart, and I came back home to a huge bouquet of roses, sent by the man who was ready and waiting for just a chance to be with me. My heart was heavy, but L was steady, open, supportive, fun and a good friend, and it wasn't long before we were a steady couple.
The point being: T had to happen. That heartbreak, that longing, and that painful goodbye had to take place. Acceptance, that we'd tried, but we just didn't work out, that he didn't want me enough...that door had to close in order for me to move on and embrace the man who was in front of me, who was there for me, who DID want to be with me.
I see clearly the parallel here. The Longing is the same. The deep wanting to be with someone but clearly they don't want to or can't give me the commitment I need. I won't be able to really fully be with Toolboy - or anyone for that matter - until the door is clearly shut - and locked - with Jason. T was pretty cut and dried. He lived across the country. He made the decision that I wasn't right for him. There was an ending. We said goodbye. I cried at the airport and then on the flight all the way back to Chicago. (Dang, I just started crying now, thinking back to that time, how hard it was). But then I got off the plane and that was it. It was over. There was no looking back. There was no hope. There was no contact. There was a clear line and an end to it. And that allowed me to move forward with L.
With Jason, there is and has been no line. Neither one of us has been willing or able to say a final goodbye. Probably for different reasons. Jack told me to "abandon all hope". I don't really feel hopeful any more. I don't think about Jason now and say "maybe some day, when he gets back on solid ground again". I don't think it is at all likely. But there are other things that I think neither of us wants to let go of. I think for me, the intensity and novelty of our explorations, having that extremely rare someone I was comfortable enough with, and unconditionally supported by, to be free of inhibitions and just be myself....And when you've got two people who are both clinging to a thing, who have a difficult time letting go of something even when that something may have run its course...well, I always figured Jason would need to be the one to walk away for good, because I've never wanted to. But I'm sitting here thinking, well - how will that make me feel? Hanging on waiting until he finally decides that it is time to say goodbye for good? Being the one rejected, walked away from, instead of being the one to walk away? How would it feel instead to be the one to initiate the final goodbye? To overcome the Longing in the expectation that it will free me up to truly, fully be with someone else?
The parallel here with T is giving me a lot of food for thought. That same deep-seated longing and desire; unrequited love; the unattainable, met by waxing and waning interest at times strong, and at times bordering on indifference. It was only the finality of that Oklahom visit a year later which brought things to a final end. Closure. What would it take to bring things to finality with Jason, where we'd both feel OK with it? The last time we saw each other was New Years' Eve morning, that could have been goodbye easily, when he came to the brink of a real relationship with me and then discovered that it didn't feel right...that morning perhaps could have and should have been 'The End', and maybe it would have, if we weren't both caught by surprise when it happened. I still remember the look back as he walked to the train down the sidewalk, me standing shivering on the front porch until the last sight of him disappeared...in that moment it felt suddenly like he was taking a last glance for good. Yet even now, questions are being batted around about whether we should see each other soon.
Acceptance. Closure. I don't want to let go. I didn't want to let go of T. Or B. Or SHB. Or Mitch. Those special few who get embedded so far down deep inside of you that you feel like you can't breathe without them. I've never been able to be the one to walk away...they left, or it took undeniable, long term patterns of hurtful painful moments coupled with eventually something/someone else helping me to move on. Why DO I find it so difficult to simply demand more or walk away? Ah, it is a time-honored question I suppose. I'm certainly not alone.
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 January 2011 11:15 pm |
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| That's a really good insight. New Year's would be the perfect time to be the last time. Respectfully - Jason has walked away from you twice already, Mols. It seems clear to me that you should let him go. But, I'm probably becoming a bore on the topic. You if anyone understand your motives and the battle of the intellect versus emotion. Last edited on 30 January 2011 11:16 pm by jackbenimble
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 30 January 2011 11:54 pm |
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Jack...I appreciate you hanging in there and reading my posts when I'm the one who is a broken record. I feel bad when friends I trust give me sound advice which I know is sound, but I struggle with doing what in my head I know I probably should. I have a lot of good qualities; acceptance simply isn't one of them. Tenacity and perserverance, and clinging to the familiar, are just part of who I am, unfortunately. Maybe I'll get better at it as I move past my midlife crisis phase. Really - life's too short to be wasting it on the wrong things.
And now, for a perfect song, which I couldn't resist posting on Toolboy's networking site page. He's not on there very much, and neither of us publicly acknowledges our boyfriend/girlfriend status on there, but I couldn't resist, especially after our purchase at the hardware store today:
White Stripes - My Doorbell http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA4rwWAEXmY
This is repeat from a bygone journal entry eons ago, but it is a great song to repurpose. I'm sure Toolboy's friends who are not aware that he has a girlfriend will become a bit clued in.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 31 January 2011 02:40 am |
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**** ARGH **** TAXES ***** ARGH ****
OK. I just needed to get that off my chest. It's actually the time of year every year which forces me to go through the brokerage statement for the account with the stocks I inherited from my Mom and just left there. First, there are stupid piddly small amounts of stocks in small companies, maybe 25 shares, in the case my mom had bought 50, then it was split between my brother and I. There are a few "big name" blue chip companies and maybe a dozen little piddly nothings. So...as an example, this company for which I ended having 25 shares in did a 20->1 reverse stock split and I got cash-in-leiu of less than $5, and now own 1 share. It would cost me more to dump the things than they are worth, so I just leave them but at tax time it costs me time and headaches cause I have to recalculate the basis.
Simplification. I need it.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 31 January 2011 05:03 am |
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Hmmm. One of the stocks did a spinoff and they said in the circular they sent out, that it was likely going to be a dividend...but you have to wait til you get your 1099 from your brokerage to see how it ended up and the amount.  My brokerage always is late and I won't have their 1099 for 4 weeks yet. All over a few dollars, and I have to hold up my tax return for this? The amount of interest I'll lose on my refund...it's really disappointing.
But anyway, I got the bulk of the painful stuff done tonight. So I think I get get my taxes "almost" completed in the next day or so.
Time for bed though...nighty night.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 31 January 2011 06:42 pm |
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I had a bad sleep night last night. First one in a while. [I just checked and today is only day 11 (maybe day 12, depending on how you count this one) so it could be the start of ovulation hormone changes.] Anyway...I slept from 12-2 then was up until nearly 5. From then on, I just kept resetting my alarm (which I'd set for 6:30) and variously hit the snooze until finally attempting to stay awake at 8:30...then making coffee etc. Was supposed to go downtown first thing to pickup passport then drive up to the office. Instead, picked up the passport around 11:30 and came back home to do some work here. I think I'll go to Starbucks in a little bit because I'm finding it difficult to focus here at home, and I need to drop off my dry cleaning anyway.
I've been melancholy today. I skipped the W yesterday and decided I'd better take it today, so hopefully it will kick in and help. Mostly what is bothering me, is that L has so taken up with the places and some of the people I'd found after we parted ways, that I can't go to certain events or places anymore or he'll be there, which ruins the vibe and tends to make everyone uncomfortable. He's flailing and desperate to belong to something, and he doesn't work, so he has all the time in the world to be ingratiating himself with the crowd. It bothered me a little that I avoided the event night at #2 Friday because I knew L would be there, but also PAG, and that I didn't want to bring Toolboy into that environment. Even PAG unhappily texted me about how L is 'showing off' all the new toys he is buying (with his mom's money) and trying to 'make himself look important around the place.' What got to me though, is the event photos on the networking site...I have L blocked, but the photographer posted untagged photos and I could see L, showing off his (terrible looking) new tattoos, posing with people who don't look thrilled to be in photos with him, and other people - W in particular - posing with his girlfriend and L's stuffed bunny toy in what is now his profile pic which I see all the time...that - a stuffed bunny which has been in L's leather jacket since the days of the Old Club years ago...just makes me sad how things have devolved, how L has devolved, how I am not free to just go where and when I want and with who I want without complications.
In any event, I did manage to make a decision and order a new custom laptop which should be here by the time I get back from Europe. Finally, I will have a fully functional unit again...including, a keyboard with a working "a" key. I'm still using the onscreen keyboard every time I need to type the letter a...it has been that way for something like 4 months...lol.
Last edited on 31 January 2011 06:44 pm by mollymoo24
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jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 January 2011 06:48 pm |
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L still isn't working? Living off his mom's dough? Buying stuff? Urggh.
Custom laptop? Do tell. Still, what a hassle, not having the 'A' key...
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suenos
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 January 2011 08:13 pm |
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Ya know, when I first read what you wrote about your ex my first thought was “ewwwwwww” - not a pretty pic on so many levels. But, if you kinda step back and look at the poor guy objectively, it’s still cringe inducing, and understandably uncomfortable & irritating for you, but at the bottom, it’s really just sad.
I mean, if you think about it, the guy’s had a non-stop string of hard blows and losses in two short years - cancer and surgery, the loss of his marriage, his home AND finally, his mother - basically he sorta lost the world as he knew it one big chunk at a time…..hard blows for even the best adjusted person - not surprising that someone with his poor to non-existent life management/coping skills has been dealing with it by regressing emotionally and acting out socially. The man has no “anchor”. And, no matter how much it was, he’ll probably very quickly blow through the money his mother left.
It seems unfair, but, maybe for your own peace of mind you might want to consider disengaging from that particular club scene and the people in it and just let him have at it. In the end - what would you really lose? You’re the one whose got 1) a great career (yea, I know, there’s times it takes more than you wanna give, but you still have to admit that, by any objective standard it’s a great career), 2) a boyfriend who is in love with you and, though not perfect, has the very real potential of becoming a life mate and even the father of your kids, 3) a couple of good girlfriends who are actually real “care about you” friends, not just superficial “club/party/facebook friends“ 4) the support and love of your father and brother, and 5) finally, the comfort and familiarity of remaining in the same house you’ve lived in for the last decade or so. I mean the “stuff” you’ve got is real and meaningful in the big picture - and the “stuff” it feels like he’s leeching from you is, at the end of the day, all smoke and mirrors.
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mollymoo24
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| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 1 February 2011 01:00 am |
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Hi Suenos, yes, that is pretty much how things are. I do feel sorry for him and for the situation; it is understandable why he is where he is right now, and I simply avoid going anywhere I think he will be. So yeah, I've given it over to him. I don't go out very much any more anyway and don't have the energy to make it some kind of competition. There are still times I can go out when he won't be around and my better 'friends' (used loosely) from the scene steer clear of him. Toolboy is not into the scene anyway, and even though his roommates all went to the event night last Friday (and reported to him on L's behavior) he and I had a nice time going out for live music instead.
Thanks for your post. You have a great way of cutting to the heart of the matter.
********************************************
Which reminds me...speaking about best girlfriends...I heard from both EF and S today. I got an email yesterday from the amusement park friends about a cruise we're trying to coordinate for this summer. Friends checked in on me via the networking site or text (I, J, Calgary, Blackie). Toolboy called just to make sure I knew about the blizzard warning (life-threatening weather, they are saying). A lot of people are hard up looking for work, having a difficult time making ends meet, and I don't have to think twice about ordering a new computer. I have a good life.
Sinead O'Connor put out an album entitled I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got. It was a departure from her earlier, fiercely emotive album The Lion and The Cobra. I always thought "I do not want what I haven't got" to be a sign of peace, of satisfaction, of acceptance, of comfortableness of where one has got to in life. She'd changed over the years, gotten married, become a mother, grew her hair out...found some inner peace with it all. It was a sign of her evolution, of coming to terms with herself and her life. I'm not there, but I'd like to be.
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Well it took me a while, but I just finally signed up for one of those credit-lock services, prompted by a discount offer and air miles through my freqeunt flier program. I need to still check my credit reports for any suspicious activity since my wallet was stolen around Thanksgiving, but this will help detect anything new which pops up.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon working at Starbucks, where I treated myself to a mocha and had a spinach feta wrap to eat. I made some progress on planning for the new analyst to start and though it is far from ideal, there are some ideas to work from. I'm leaving in about 30 minutes for my late 9PM meeting with Steve, and am stopping to pick us up turkey sandwiches for dinner.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 1 February 2011 04:05 am |
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This is the title track. It is a really beautiful song.
Sinead O'Connor - I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyBPf7E_V9o
I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got
I have learned this from my mother
See how happy she has made me
I will take this road much further
Though I know not where it takes me
I have water for my journey
I have bread and I have wine
No longer will I be hungry
For the bread of life is mine
I saw a navy blue bird
Flying way above the sea
I walked on and I learned later
That this navy blue bird was me
I returned a paler blue bird
And this is the advice they gave me
"You must not try to be too pure
You must fly closer to the sea"
So I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 2 February 2011 09:37 am |
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Snowpocalypse
Well, I'm in the Holiday Inn Express near the office, riding out the storm variously entitled "Snowpocalypse" "Snowmageddon" "The Great Blizzard of 2011". Most of our company drove home when they closed the building at 2:30 yesterday afternoon and will have the day off today. However, I have a meeting/presentation with a group of sales managers who beat the storm in and I have to fulfill that commitment. Seeing what was coming, I booked the hotel room in advance and so brought change of clothes etc. Actually used the treadmill here (3.1m, 51 minutes) it was the first time in 6 weeks? I did even the slightest bit of jogging. I've no stamina/cardio - none - but it was good to get moving.
On my way out of the fitness center, right there in the lobby were several high level people from the office who had done the same thing - including the Europe VP I've been needing to catch up with. I thought I was going to be eating dinner out of a vending machine, but they'd found a pizza place that was still open and delivering, and had brought beers, and so I ran up and changed and then joined them for about 2 hours. There were variously at least a dozen people who joined us here and there, as the maintenance crew and a skeleton crew of customer service people were put up in the hotel by the company so they could come in to the office tomorrow and keep things running. It was a rare opportunity to just get out - informally - with blue jeans on no less - and just hang out. EVERYBODY brought liquor into this place, and it really was like the inmates converted the hotel into a giant bar. I guess knowing that we're snowed in people were looking to party.
In any event, after my salad, 3-4 pieces of pizza, and 2 beers, I headed up to my room around 8PM but was so whipped, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I needed to be working on my presentation for today, but I was useless, and fell asleep by 10PM. Consequently, I'm up at 4AM. I wasn't counting on having to dig my car out of the parking lot in order to get over to the office. Not sure how I'm going to manage that. I can see it out the window and it is pretty buried. But I'll deal with it in a couple of hours. Right now I just need to write some form of a presentation. I'll try to get it done in 90 minutes, cause I just need to get it done and move on. So much to do.
I have my 'welcome' phone call with the new UK-based analyst today and it is giving me an anxiety attack. I'm worried about keeping her busy and challenged. I sure hope that I look back on that comment and laugh some day.
So, good morning - eeearly - from the snowbound midwest! So glad the HI Express has a coffee maker in the room. Time to brew and get to work!!
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 February 2011 02:08 pm |
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| Mol..........if you can get your car shoveled out, can you get it down the street? I feel for ya, Mol. We had a "blizzard' here in MN about 2-3 weeks before Christmas, but only 19" of snow with it..........sounds like you are getting 2 ft or more in this snowfall. Even the schools have been closed in your city, and I heard that hasn't happened in 12 years! Stay safe..........blizzard conditions are nothing to mess with!
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Hiker
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 February 2011 10:33 pm |
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Hey Mol, hope you were able to get your car out. I envy you, I love blizzards and I love being snowed in. Once it took me 7.5 hours to get home, a normal 1 hr 15 minute ride, now I have to admit that I did not love but once I know all of my family is safe I love it.
I bet you scored some points with the upper management with your foresight to come prepared to stay over and what a great chance to socialize in a relaxed atmosphere.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 3 February 2011 02:06 am |
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Hi Pat and Hiker! Yep, I was one of the few, the brave, the strong, the insane who dug my car out of the hotel parking lot this morning and made it to the office. It required a combination of shoveling thru nasty blowing powder and the fact that I have a tough SUV with a raisable air suspension system. The entire County my office is in was declared a state of emergency and it was illegal to drive on the roads. But the hotel was only a mile or so away.
Two of the managers in my department made it in, and since altogther only 41 people made it in to the office today, I'd say we were well represented. (GM and DF). Around 2:30, the sales managers I needed to meet with were finally shuttled in, and I met with them at 3. It was very productive, well worthwhile. I also made progress on a number of other things, a product acquisition/launch that isn't going very well, T-26 days; a 2-hour catchup/one-on-one with one of my managers; the call with the new UK-based analyst (went well, btw) and the like. It was like hump day. The day when maybe, just maybe, I started seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
I was exhausted by the time I got home, and not knowing what was in store when I would arrive. There's been a lot of drifting, and even the highways were in hazardous condition on my drive home. When I got off the highway onto the surface streets, then into my neighborhood, my heart sunk. 4-foot drifts/plow walls at every corner, narrow barely passable bands down the side streets; a wrong move when turning could get you stuck...but I made it to and down my alley, turn the corner to my garage and things opened up...I think the neighbor behind or down a few must have had a snowblower, and cleared the access to my garage...I pulled in and opened the side door to a 4' drift, which I poked a hole through with my big broom, then clambered through the yard up to the house to get my shovel. 20 minutes later I was in the house. I went to the front to see how bad THAT was, and someone had snowblowed the front and someone else had shoveled my front walk. I'm sure the neighbors next door had some part and I left a message thanking them...really, the kindnesses were overpowering, and I was so grateful...I need to find a way to pay it forward.
But probably not tonight, cause I'm collapsed on the couch and ready to fall asleep. Time to call Toolboy and then zzzzzzzzzzzz....
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6301 |
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Posted: 3 February 2011 03:17 am |
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Dang...overtired...not falling asleep...not messing around tonight...took a whole Xanax straight off and I'll be zonked in 15 minutes or less. It's 10:16, I'm going to time it for giggles...
...oh boy, it was 11:28 the last time I noted the time...that didn't go so well.
Last edited on 3 February 2011 01:51 pm by mollymoo24
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