Eating disorders and etc. of me :) - Eating Disorders - Compulsive Overeating, Bulimia, Anorexia - General Discussions

Hi--first, my member name has nothing to do with weight, it's from gradeschool, and a silly joke between me and one of my friends (think, The Simpsons popularizing the expression, "Don't have a cow, man!"). I think it fits though :)

I've been reading the forums for a couple days now, and have so much in common with all the people here, it's a little bit scary. I don't know if the fact that I no longer force myself to throw-up and get rid of massive amounts of food makes me still bulimic (like alcoholics still are alcoholics). But, in the middle of June of this year, I kind of realized that things I was making myself do weren't helping, weren't fun, took lots of time, energy, and were, in fact, making me fatter--so I moved home for a week and told my family about my "issues". I had one relapse in October, where I actually threw up after bingeing. (It was a lot more difficult after my break.) But, now, I haven't since then.

My issues with food and eating, and weight gain began in high school. In my Junior year, (at the end, although I'd been saying there was something wrong with me all year long) I found out that I had hyper-thyroidism. But, unlike most hypers, I gained weight instead of losing--my emotions were also out of whack, I was depressed, fat, dropping grades, not sleeping, roasting all of the time, had no attention span--I was just really messed up. When we found out, of course, I had to slow my thyroid, which didn't help with the weight gain (before the thyroid issues, I was 5'6" and about 118 to 120; during my medication, I got up to 157+ and yo yo'd around a bit). Over the summer between jr and sr year, I went on a diet (slim fast) and started exercising (hour long walks in the morning, and lots of yard work) By the following school year I was down to 140, and got to 132 in the following couple of months. (125 has always been my goal)

In my junior year, because of depression, my mom finally got me set up with ballroom dancing lessons--something I'd wanted to do for a long, long time.

Over the next years, my weight went up and down ( I never got back above 140--until my little bout with disordered eating :( After college, which, I have an associates degree--I didn't want to go to college in the first place, I'm intelligent, but I learned not to like school after the elementary years, I went to floral school, looked for a real job, began working on an exchange basis at the dance studio where I take lessons, and I went to floral design school. I never really got a job.

One of my dancing friends, finally found something for me at a Bridal store that was basically seasonal----

OK, I'm going to fast forward now, because, I realized, I'm trying to tell too much of the story. I'll get to the year leading up to my descent :)

I began competitive dancing, I moved out of my parents, I worked at the Bridal Salon, maintained my own floral business (very small), continued work at the Dance Studio whenever possible, and got a seasonal position at Mervyn's because I wasn't making ends meet, began exercising, began practicing dance, and more exercising. The year before all this, I nearly got to my goal of 125--I was 126. After all this was going on, I slowly began to gain weight back. Of course, with it being the holidays, and all the giant sales, Mervyns wanted to keep happy employees and bought lots of junk food and regular food and everything for daily gorging in the break room. I had started to gain weight before this, and was constantly trying not to eat. I began trying to throw up after all the Christmas goodies, whenever I'd get a chance to go home between my jobs.

It was super difficult at the beginning, because, I'm one of those people with really strong stomachs, I can't throw up if I want to! It got easier, but I'd get nose bleeds practically every time. I've read about people who can just make it happen by thinking about it--how i wish I were one of those!! Most times, to feel completely cleaned out, I needed at least 20 minutes, and 30 was much better. But, sometimes, I couldn't make myself stop eating soon enough to have that much time (I had to eat enough to make it worth it--because however easy it got, it was still really not). I began to plan times to be able to eat, and get rid of it. (I had a roommate by the way, she never found out, and still doesn't know it happened--she's still my roommate).

Anyway, I've stopped now, and I'm glad. If it had worked, it would have been so easy, but it didn't--apparently, I didn't pick the right disorder--darn it!!

But, the problem is, my goal is still 125, I'm 5'6" (super-almost), and 24 (25 in April). When my mom found out, she put my on a healthy, balanced diet (I had no health insurance, or I would've gone to the doctor)--I lost about 8 pounds going from 142 to 134. But, some of it's come back, and I'm yo yoing again (I'm 137 at the moment). Presently, I'm trying to eat balanced and healthy-- (5 starch, 2.5 milk, 5 veg, 3 fruit, 3 meat, 4 fat). But, I've been semi-vegetarian since 5th grade--so, finding lean meat is not real easy. (Yes, there are lots of substitutes, but I've read that soy protein slows metabolism in people with a history of thyroid disease). I've been on diets for like, over 8 years now (everyone knows I'm always starting one). I exercise 5 days a week (at Curves actually) for 30 minutes followed by about 15 minutes of stretching, and have 3 dance lessons a week (they vary in their intensity).

I have a weird relationship with food, just (I think) like lots of you. I keep telling myself to stop stressing about it--but I don't think it will ever go away. And I'm afraid if I restrict too much, I'll go back to puking--been thinking about it lately. But I cannot be this heavy for the new competition season!! My next comp is at the end of March.

I don't know what I'm asking for--but, I'm so worried about the weight. Oh, and I finally got a real job in October (but it's very inactive--normally, I'm really active) a receptionist. And I still work at the dance studio in the evenings and on Saturdays.

Maybe someone can give me some ideas as to where to go--how to be more normal, and how when on a balanced (not super restrictive diet) not to feel restricted and that donuts and chocolate, and cake are the only things that will satisfy and destress?

I don't know--sorry so long and garbled :)

Edited to take just a little something out :)--nothing really important.

Last edited on 23 May 2006 10:58 pm by Be A Cow

Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com

Joined:	24 May 2005
Location:
Posts:	4179

Posted: 20 January 2006 03:51 am

Quote

One thing I want to respond to is whether or not you will always be like you are now with food. No!

Probably no one visiting this forum will ever feel normal about food, but we all grow and change. Many people posting in this forum have said how after learning to eat well they lost their desire for junk food. Someday you may not even want to eat donuts and cake.

BTW, I used the word normal. Looking at how the population is becoming obese, I'm not sure that's such a good goal. People that have a problem with weight and then solve it by learning to eat well are probably a step ahead of a "normal" person.

Welcome to the forum! Be sure to check out all the other features from the homepage, too.

Peter :monkey:

http://www.eatwellandexercise.com/

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