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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 29 April 2008 04:57 am |
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I am also on the introduction page under A Lot to Do. To be quite honest I am afraid of becoming an anorexic. Here is my story as long as it is, I need to tell it.
I was bulimic in H.S. A friend called me on it relatively early on. I was not a typical bulimic. I would think about food that I had eaten until it actually made me nauseous. I would eventually throw up despite any efforts I made not to. I had to work very hard to overcome this downfall. I began to find comfort in food again and my weight has yo-yoed. I have been on healthy diets and I have been on extream exercise diets.
I am, as Peter said in his blog, extremely obsessive. I have lost almost 20 pounds (I weighed in at 156 today after I signed up). I am doing well, however... I am down to eating approximately 300 to 600 calories a day. I have been eating a lean cuisine and an applesauce every day. I may throw in a piece of cheese. I know that this is not healthy, but I can not help myself. I can not bring myself to eat. It takes a lot of convincing to make myself eat the lean cuisine. I am afraid that I am headed down a very dark path.
I desperately want to lose the weight!!! That is part of the reason I can not bring myself to eat. I have done "so well". I really want to be this hot sexy woman for my husband when he gets home from Iraq. I know he doesn't care what I look like, I know that he loves me, but I want to love what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to look at me and go Oh My God, I can't believe I'm married to her.
My goals are not unrealistic... I am shooting for 135 to 140. This is on the low end of my ideal wt. range, but still in my range. I have been donwn to 122 before. I know that this is not a good wt for me. At 5'8" I know that this is entirely too small.
Once I ran approx 60 miles a week and lived on salads and gummy bears, another time I would spend 3 to 4 hours at the gym running and lifting weights though I ate fairly normal I was only 16 % body fat. Again there is the bulimia from high school (I suppose that is what you would call it, nothing that went in stayed in) and I did laxitives then too. I am seeing a trend I do not like. The sad part is I am in the medical field. I have taken advanced fitness courses and I know that what I am doing is not good. I believe that the psychological component is a major factor that I have yet to learn how to overcome. I am a good motivator I think and I have helped some of my friends lose the correct way. Why can I not do it for myself?
Can some one help me? I know how I think I should go about it, increasing my caloric intake by small icriments until I reach a healthy level, but how do I convince my mind to know it is okay to eat those calories. I have gone so far that feeling hungry feels good. I am taking control. I'm not giving in. I am winning the battle I have fought my entire life (I was 165 and 5'3" in sixth grade I don't even remember wearing kids clothes, I always wore misses). I remember the compliments I recieved when I was thin and it was wonderful. Will I be able to stop when I reach my weight? Also I feel myself wanting to regurgitate when I eat, so in order not to do that, I choose not to eat.
This is the first time I have admitted I have a problem. I am always so in control and trying to help everyone, it doesn't seem okay for me to have a problem.
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 29 April 2008 06:12 pm |
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brook_06 wrote: I want him to look at me and go Oh My God, I can't believe I'm married to her.
Then you'd best be alive!
Could you please clarify your goal? Is it to make him happy? To look good to make yourself happy?
I think sometimes when it's really clear what our goal is, it helps us to select the right path to take to reach it.
Peter
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clarinetgurl
Moderator
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Posted: 29 April 2008 09:43 pm |
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Oh sweetie.
As you say, you are in the medical profession, and so you know what anorexia does to you. It will make you thin, but it will not make you thin and beautiful. Seeing your ribs, have your skin turn yellowish, having your hair fall out...these things won't make you feel happy, will they?
I can't help with psychological part of it. Do you have a close friend in your profession that you cold talk to and confide in?
Would help to start out by eating raw veggies that practically have no calories? Then, you get used to eating more food, but you could know it is not actually raising your calorie count. Then you could slowly progress to eating things with small amounts of calories...just a thought, I'm just spouting things out here.
I hope you find the help and support you need.
CG
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 30 April 2008 05:18 am |
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| It is to make me happy. I believe he is happy. I have struggled with my wt always. I want to surprise him. I know he loves me no matter what. He has made it clear that if I lose wt. not to do it for him, to do it because it is what I want. I hate what I see in the mirror. It seems that normal diet and exercise don't usually work, I always have to go a little over board to get results (but never like this). I apparently do not have a medical condition resulting in my inability to lose. My cholesterol, BP, HR, thyroid, glucose etc is perfect, I have talked to physicians about a diet plan but they all blow me off. Most of them are overweight themselves. To clarify when I first started eating so few calories (which has only been a few weeks) I wanted to loose 10 to 15 pounds before my husband came home, but with the results I have been getting I don't know if I will be able to resume a normal routine for fear that it would revert back into grazing and overeating. I have a love hate relationship with food.
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 30 April 2008 05:21 am |
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clarinetgurl,
Thank you for your input. I don't really have anyone that I believe i can confide in, that can help me. That is why I turned to CPH. I may try the veggies.
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 1 May 2008 03:26 am |
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I feel like a  !!! I ate not one but two sloppy joes today at the neighbors house. I think that may be one reason I have been avoiding eating and why I try to eat prepackaged meals is because I can not stop once I start. Grrr...  I walked 1 mile and paced around in my yard for a while when it got close to dark, (I am sure I looked like an escaped mental patient  , but I was sooo anxious I had to do something and I didn't quite know what ) but I skipped the ex. vid. I feel soooo guilty! !! I need reassurance... can someone give me some!?! I am so confused and I am fairly certain my body has no idea what to think at this point!!!
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 1 May 2008 03:33 am |
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Your mind doesn't know what to think, either. I'd like to suggest that you keep a journal for a week, and everytime you eat something or want to eat something, write about what you are feeling. Mostly, of course, when you want to eat too much.
http://www.caloriesperhour.com/news_050316.php
Also when you want to eat, try to do something else like take a walk or talk to someone about it.
But mostly I think a journal will help you get a better understanding of what's going on.
Peter
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 1 May 2008 03:47 am |
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| I think I can do that Peter... thanx!
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 2 May 2008 02:43 pm |
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I have gained 3-5 lbs in 3 days. WTF!!! I know that since I have drastiacly cut my cal in the last few weeks that my metabolism has dropped. Fine. But 1 lb. of fat is 3500 cal! I KNOW I have not eaten 10500 in the last 3 days. I guess it is back to 1 lean cuisine a day!!!
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 2 May 2008 02:53 pm |
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I'm sure your body can't create 5 lb of fat in three days. It's probably water weight.
You need to average your weight over a number of days, and be more consistent in providing your body with energy and nutrition.
Your knee-jerk reations will not solve your problem.
Peter
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 2 May 2008 03:38 pm |
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Peter wrote:
Your knee-jerk reations will not solve your problem.
I am not familiar with this phrase. If it's regarding my bad attitude you are right. It is just sooooooooooooooo frustrating!!!
You know the song: I'm in a hurry to get things done... I rush and rush until life's no fun...
That is pretty much my theme song. It applies to wt. loss as well. It is hard for me to get determined to do it and when I do do it... I want to get it done yesterday!
As I said earlier, I don't have much of a support system regarding my wt. loss. My step-father-in-law is all for the starvation diet (he has never had a problem with his wt. he is 55 and weighs 155 and has for the last 20 years). My mother-in-law is obese and she thinks if you don't eat a 5 course meal then your not eating enough. She always has tons of food and sweets!!! I really have no stability in this area and I have no idea what to do any more. Like I have said before. I know what I should do, or at least I used to, I just don't know how to implement it.
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 2 May 2008 11:53 pm |
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No, not attitude.
A knee-jerk reaction is named after the uncontrolled (without thinking) reaction you get when someone hits your knee and your leg kicks out.
I was referring to the fact that you weighed more than you expected for one day and on that you were changing your eating plan to one small meal a day... if I understood you correctly.
I am doing so much better than I used to be, but it's still a struggle. I work closely with two diet buddies sharing all my trials and tribulations and trying to keep on track.
We can't change as quickly as we like, but we do better to keep trying than to give up.
Hang in there,
Peter
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 3 May 2008 04:24 am |
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I had a whole post written and somehow I lost it... Oh, well.
Peter, thank you so much for your support ! It is greatly appreciated!!! I feel like I did better today. I had about a handful of pasta for lunch, then I went to the gym for a couple of hours, had 10 oz. smoothie, rode bike for about an hour, and went and ate some sushi. I wish I could eat sushi every day!!!
It really is a struggle!!! Why? I know that not everyone has this horrible relationship with their meals!!! What causes this unhealthy infatuation with a necessary ritual such as eating? If I could figure out the problem and it's origin then maybe I could correct it!!! Food is not sustenance to me; it is medicine and it is poison.
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Peter
Founder, caloriesperhour.com
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Posted: 3 May 2008 04:35 am |
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brook_06 wrote: If I could figure out the problem and it's origin then maybe I could correct it!
Don't mean to bug you about it, but that's what the journal's for. When you feel like eating poorly, you journal your thoughts.
You may end up realizing the problem is not fat or chocolate or sushi or food at all, but you're upset with someone or something and eating to comfort your feelings.
Then you can address that problem, whatever it is.
Peter
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sara
New Member
| Joined: | 18 March 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 12 |
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Posted: 4 May 2008 08:28 pm |
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Hi, I know how you feel. I posted here a while ago because I wanted to loose some weight. After I lost it I just wanted to loose more. That's how you know you have an eating disorder, when 'thin' is never thin enough. If you cut a lot of calories until you get to your goal weight and then go back to eating normally then that's ok. But if you keep restricting your self and start developing an obsessive relationship with food then I think you should go see a doctor. And by doctor I mean a psychologist.
It doesn't sound like you have anorexia, it sounds like you are on a crash diet. Most people who crash diet eventually end up binging.
Last edited on 4 May 2008 08:30 pm by sara
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wendy
New Member
| Joined: | 4 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
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Posted: 6 May 2008 01:23 am |
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I totally agree with Sara! Brooke, you are on a path to destruction. Trust me, I have been there for the last 20 years. If you can, please see a psychiatrist. Sounds to me like you may need some antianxiety medication and also someone to talk with about eating disorders. Everyone on this board has a bad relationship with food, and the only way we can mend that relationship is to find out the reasons behind our obsession with food. A counselor is just the thing for that!
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 6 May 2008 03:41 am |
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Thank you for all of your help and support!!!
Peter, I have started a food journal of sorts. I really haven't noticed an emotional connection with my food lately, just that I looooove the way it tastes. I am eating more than I was not as much as I have. I need to write in my journal so I can keep up, I haven't in a couple of days.
Sara and Wendy, I can not afford to see a psychiatrist right now. I'm not sure how much ins. will cover. I have not talked to a psych. about my eating before, that is an excellent proposition. I will be returning to school in the fall and if I can find a psych. I can tolerate there I will definately give it a shot. (I had a psych. I liked but she no longer works there). I have taken anti-depressants in the past, I do not feel like I need them now. I am doing much better emotionally now (that or I am in out right denial!!
Again, thanks for all the support and advice!!!
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wendy
New Member
| Joined: | 4 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
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Posted: 6 May 2008 12:16 pm |
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Brooke-
Do you have Tricare insurance?? You mentioned your hubby is in Iraq. If he is military, there are people you can talk with that are on base. My husband is retired military, so I had a $25 co-pay, but that was because I sought treatment off base.
 Wendy
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 6 May 2008 02:05 pm |
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| Yes, I have Tricare. Thanx for the heads up. I may try seeing someone.
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brook_06
New Member
| Joined: | 28 April 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 10 May 2008 05:58 am |
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I haven't logged on in a couple of days which means I haven't been keeping up with my journal. Whoops. I feel better. I don't know how that correlates with all the drama of this possible anorexic trip. I am leaning more towards the belief that this may be okay for the short term. Which my main fear  since the beginning has been whether or not I would be able to stop once I reached my goal wt.
I did find out where the wheel power not to eat was coming from. I have been taking these diet pills (Cylaris) which by the way are amazing. I hadn't taken them for a few days and was having trouble controlling myself (I didn't go totally crazy but lets face it I was eating too much). I took them again today and I wasn't hungry all day. I ate a lean cuisine (370 cal) for dinner and had a glass of O.J.
I did buy some asparagus to prepare and celery to snack on.
I have been going to the gym, I bought some wts., I have been walking and/or working outside (e.g. I worked on refinishing a table for approx. 4 hours today, still no where near finished). Therefore I am back down to my 155lbs. I really would like to lose another 5 lbs in a week, but I dunno if it is going to happen.
I am very proud of the 20 lbs that I have lost, and I have been an inspiration to several of my friends. There have been positives that have come from this, I just hope not to revisit the past, ya know.
Well, I think I am ready to venture on. I am moving to another forum that I feel I am better suited for. I do not think this problem bothers me. At least not now, I will deal with it later if need be. If anyone has any final notes that they would like to jot in they would be appreciated . I will still be checking in on this one to see if there is anything I can grow from, or if there is any support that I can lend.
Best Wishes to all!
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