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Geminihopes
New Member
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Posted: 17 April 2008 12:32 pm |
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Well yesterday was a #%@&! day. I was so upset in the morning, I wanted comfort food, I knew exactly what I was doing. I needed to get out of the office, instead of going for a walk I went to the closest fast food place, pigged out, felt guilty and had this overwhelming urge to get rid of it. I knew that I have been having these urges for the last little while but I honestly didn't think that I would act on it. It has been like 2 years since I last purged. This use to be a huge problem for me like 10-15 years ago. I really thought that it was behind me but obviously not because I purged yeterday. Then I found myself starting to surf the net for pro-mia websites. This is just not what I want but yet I felt so in control of what I was doing, what I was putting inside my body, what I was having come out. Of course now I am dealing with the after effects, sore throat, blood shot eyes, lying to cover all this up etc. Part of me doesn't care because I can control things this way and eat whatever I want and not feel disgusting about it because I can get rid of it. I know that this is probably distorted thinking but it doesn't feel that way. It feels natural.
I am so confused....I know that this type of behaviour is not going to get me anywhere...not the weight loss that I want, not the good relationship with food that I want or with myself but it gives me a feeling of control over being able to eat whatever I want without saying that this or that is off limits. I can have whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I just get rid of it afterwards which means that it is not inside me.
AHHHHHHH I don't know what to do....do I continue/go back to this or fight the urges and press on to a better life.
Last edited on 17 April 2008 12:33 pm by Geminihopes
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 17 April 2008 01:40 pm |
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hey gemini
you should read the thread by pris.... the "very bad day.... ate till i puked" thread. there is some good advice there and it may help to know that you are not alone.
have you thought about seeking professional help?it might be a good idea before things get out of hand. if you are considering following it beyond a slip up, maybe you are in further than you thought. i really hope you can find your way.
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Geminihopes
New Member
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Posted: 18 April 2008 12:00 am |
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Thanks Zenobia,
I do see a professional and we had an email discussion about it this morning. I was in the mind frame all day yesterday and most of the morning that I was going to continue this behaviour as it was what I wanted (felt like I was back in control again) but after having an email session (in between our regular session) I see my distorted thinking and he also helped me to see that it was a slip up and a bad day that's it. Time to move on from it and learn. We are going to talk about it more in my next session but I am still threading lightly knowing that the urge is back. Taking the food easy and trying to stay away from triggering foods.
Thank you for your response...I appreciate it 
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